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Grief Connection Space, LLC.  | Michelle Halm 

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Grief Connection Space, LLC.  | Michelle Halm 

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Grief Resources (English & Spanish) from New York Life

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Grief Resources (English & Spanish) from New York Life

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COVID-19 bereavement resources:

Power of Parenting: addressing fears and feelings from prior losses.
Resources and responses for families who may be experiencing heightened feelings from a prior loss due to the pandemic.

Ask the expert: Living through COVID-19.
A fireside chat about communicating with children regarding the coronavirus between Heather Nesle, president of the New York Life Foundation and Donna Gaffney a consultant to the New York Life Foundation.

Care-giving amidst coronavirus: How do we support our children during a pandemic?
Q&A between Heather Nesle, president of the New York Life Foundation and Dr. Julie Kaplow, founder of the SAMHSA-funded Trauma and Grief. Center.

COVID-19 Resources for School Communities
Developed by the National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement in partnership with the Coalition to Support Grieving Students, which was founded by The New York Life Foundation among others.
Coping with Change & Loss
In support of children, teens, & families, this booklet was developed by one of the Foundation's national partners, the National Alliance for Grieving Children. ( English version) ( Spanish version)

Other COVID related content:

How to monitor the media diet our families will consume in the weeks to come.

Twelve tips

Coping with the coronavirus pandemic from one of the Foundation's partners, Tom Demaria of the National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement.

Support and resources

How to support bereaved children over the holidays

National Alliance for Grieving Children: Hero Toolkit in support of Grieving Children and Teens

This free toolkit developed for Children, teens and their support network, provides activities and conversations designed to empower each of us to become everyday 'heroes'.

After a Loved One Dies - How Children Grieve and Adults Can Support Them
Click here for the Spanish version
This booklet explains how children grieve and how parents and other caring adults can help them understand death better. It can also help parents and adults who are part of the lives of children who have experienced a loss know what to expect and how to help.

National organizations:

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Bereavement Resources | New York Life Foundation

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Discover all of the bereavement resources that New York Life provides to help anyone grieving get through difficult times.

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Family & Community Members - Coalition to Support Grieving Students

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The Coalition to Support Grieving Students appreciates the important role that schools can play in supporting grieving students. This topic has rarely

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NACG GriefTalk Schools Resource Guide for Administrators

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NACG GriefTalk Schools Resource Guide for Administrators

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Billy's Place is a community in the West Valley of Phoenix that provides comfort and companionship to kids and families experiencing grief-no matter where they are on their journey. Through support groups, special events, and a community of people who 'get it,' they help families rediscover moments of happiness without guilt. They nurture these moments as signs of hope for more promising days ahead.

Groups include family groups for kids who have lost a sibling, parent, or significant person in their lives, Young Adult Groups, a kids-only kicking back night, and a Traumatic Loss group which is those who have lost a loved one due to suicide, drug overdose, or homicide.

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Kai's Journey - A Series for Families Navigating Grief | New York Life Foundation

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Billy's Place is a community in the West Valley of Phoenix that provides comfort and companionship to kids and families experiencing grief-no matter where they are on their journey. Through support groups, special events, and a community of people who 'get it,' they help families rediscover moments of happiness without guilt.

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"A lot of my teachers, actually, did not do a lot, which was not helpful at all. It makes you feel kind of awkward, makes you feel very, very alone, very not understood." (Student)

School professionals make a world of difference when they reach out to grieving students. This module describes ways students benefit from grief support. It provides strategies for starting a conversation with a student. It identifies common and well-meaning statements that may not be helpful, then offers alternatives to help you feel confident your conversation will be constructive. It outlines ideas for sustaining helpful conversations over time and suggests ways to build effective support among peers when a classmate experiences the death of a close family member or friend. The video includes interviews with students, educators and administrators, as well as four simulated encounters with actors that model approaches educators can use in different situations.

View the video by chapters:

Why you should reach out to grieving students

Strategies for starting the conversation

Navigating reluctance and communicating with empathy

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Talking With Children - Coalition to Support Grieving Students

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Practical strategies for initiating a conversation with a student who has recently experienced the death of a close family member or friend.

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Grief Out Loud- A Podcast by Dougy Center

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Grief Out Loud- A Podcast by Dougy Center

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Grief Out Loud Podcast | Listen & Subscribe | Dougy Center

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Produced by Dougy Center, we open up the often avoided conversation of grief. Hear personal stories, get tips, and gain insights from bereavement professionals.

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If you came here looking for a script for talking to your child about death and grief, I'm sorry, we can't give you one. Your child is an individual and your situation is unique, so what you say and do will depend on a number of different factors. But here's some good news:

(1) As a caring and loving parent, you likely already have the qualities necessary to navigate this situation

(2) Qualities like reliability, consistency, warmth, and openness are far more beneficial to the child's well-being than having the perfect words and right answers.

(3) We can't tell you exactly what to say, but we can offer you tips on talking to kids about death and grief.

As a general rule of thumb, what you discuss with the child will depend on the following three things:

How old they are

The child's age will have a large influence on how you communicate with the child. As children learn, grow, and mature, their capacity to understand will change and evolve. For instance, when speaking with small children you will want to stick with straightforward and simple answers, while when speaking with teens you may explore more complex and abstract concepts. We will address this a little further here, but we recommend reviewing this article, Childhood Grief: The influence of age on understanding, if you haven't already.

How close they were to the person who died

We'll define closeness in two ways (1) when the child was very close to the deceased such as with a parent, grandparent, or sibling or (2) when the memory of the deceased is a constant presence, even though the child may not have had a close relationship with the person. Examples of this second scenario include any close family member, like a grandparent, sibling, or parent, who died before the child was able to build a relationship with them.

If the person who died was not a close family member, friend or community member, you may find that having one or two conversations is all that is necessary. If the person who died was a close family member or friend or community member, then you should conceptualize your first conversation as the beginning of an ongoing dialogue, rather than as a single conversation.

Although initial conversations about the death may not be detailed, expect that as the child processes the loss, and as their capacity to question and understand matures, they may (1) want to know more about their loved one (2) want to know more about the circumstances of the death and (3) want to talk about their loved one as a way of maintaining their ongoing bond.

How curious they are

If the child has questions, it's a sign that they are curious, that they don't understand, or that they are seeking reassurance. Remember, grief is an ongoing process and that your child may continue to process the death long after your conversation with them has ended. Allow the child to ask questions within the context of your conversation(s) and make sure they know it's okay to ask questions later on if they come up. Don't be surprised if children ask the same questions over and over, they may want to clarify their understanding or they may want reassurance that the story hasn't changed. If you think it may be helpful, you and the child can also discuss other adults they feel comfortable going to with questions (such as an aunt or uncle, adult sibling, faith leader, etc).

Some specific tips for talking to kids about death and grief:

Tip #1: Assess Understanding

Assess your child's understanding of the topic at hand; either what specifically happened to their loved one and/or their understanding of concepts like death. Many children have no prior experience with death and they may have no idea, or odd ideas, about what happens when a person dies.

For example, a few years ago I asked my 4-year-old daughter, Virginia, what happens when you die.

Hmmmm...any other guesses?

Okay, so four-year-old Virginia seems to know that death has something to do with the body, but beyond that, her conception seems a mix of imagination and information she's picked up here-and-there (from watching CSI? I don't know).

Let's ask 7-year-old Virginia?

Seven-year-old Virginia has a more complex understanding of death. She has a vague idea of what happens, she understands death's permanence, she knows that people feel tough emotions after someone dies, and she has real-life reference points.

It's good to assess the child's understanding of what you plan to discuss with them because this will help you decide how to approach the subject. Now we're not saying you should give your child the third-degree, rather that it can be helpful to begin your conversation by asking them about the thoughts and ideas already swirling around in their heads.

Such a conversation can take many forms. Some examples include:

If your family has recently experienced the death of someone very important, you may start with a specific question like - "Do you know why mommy is sad today?"

If you think the child already has some idea of what has happened (because children are far more tuned in than you think) you might ask something like,"What do you know about what's been going on?" or "What do you think happened?"

If you're discussing the loss of someone they didn't know, you might show them a photograph and say something like, "Do you know who this is?" or "This is your brother, he died before you were born. Do you know what it means when someone dies?"

Tip #2: Be honest and straightforward

Parents want to protect their children from pain and harm, this goes without saying. But sometimes this instinct can lead caring adults astray. Being honest with children about something as frightening and upsetting as death may feel callous and damaging, but it's actually really important to be straightforward and truthful.

Put yourself in their shoes. If you are curious, worried, or scared about something unknown, are you able to take your mind off of it? How do you feel when you can tell someone is withholding something from you, being evasive, or outright refusing to answer your questions? Do you stop wondering? I expect your answer to these questions is - "No!" You'd either worry, wonder, ruminate, or draw your own (potentially incorrect) conclusions. Don't assume that when your child is put in this same position they won't do the same.

As an adult caregiver, children look to you to clarify their understanding of what's happened. Confusion and lack of information will only leave the child guessing. Although the simple truth may be heartbreaking, the fantasy of the unknown can be far more frightening to a child.

What you say will depend on your situation, but generally speaking try to match the child's developmental level. Don't feel as though you have to tell them everything all at once and don't give them more information than they can handle; hopefully, they will feel comfortable asking you questions now and in the future. With small children, phrases like the following may be appropriate.

"He is dead and will not be alive again." "Her body stopped working" "He isn't suffering and he can no longer feel anything"
"She took too much to a drug," in the instance of overdose. (For information on talking to a child about a drug-related death, read this article)

"Suicide is when someone makes their body stop working," in the instance of suicide. (For information on talking to a child about a suicide death, read this article)

After explaining new concepts or providing them new information, assess their understanding of what you've said to them and invite questions.

Tip # 3: Don't use euphemism!

People commonly use euphemism to replace words or phrases that make them uncomfortable. Many adults aren't comfortable talking about death, even amongst other adults. This is likely why there are approximately 200 euphemism related to concepts around death and dying. But up until a certain age, kids are very concrete in their thinking. Thanks to their literal nature, euphemisms like the following only cause more confusion:

"She's in a better place" = She went somewhere great

"She's left us" = She left/abandoned us and she may or may not return

"She's sleeping" = She's asleep and she will wake up.

"She went to sleep forever" = There's a chance that I could go to sleep and never wake up

1She passed away" = Not sure what that means

"She is resting in peace" = She's sleeping somewhere peacefully

I know you might feel tempted to use euphemism when explaining death to children, but don't. If you want to see some examples of how kids interpret euphemism, check out this article in which we actually asked children what some of the different death related euphemisms mean.

Tip #4: Validate their emotions

Remember that a wide range of emotions is normal in grief, so don't be surprised if the child seems to show little emotion or if they show an emotion like anger, worry, or fear. Normalize and validate their emotions, whatever they may be.

Tip #5: It's okay to share your own emotions

Generally speaking, being open about your own grief will provide your child with reassurances that he or she is not alone and that it is acceptable to feel all types of emotions in response to loss. Be willing to acknowledge your painful feelings and be open to discussing the hard parts. By maintaining an authentic, warm, and supportive dialogue, you are setting the stage to be able to discuss grief as it changes and shifts in the days, weeks, and years to come.

That said, as hard as initial conversations may be with your child, try to stay calm and in control. If you're worried about keeping collected, you may want to set aside some time before or after the conversation to process your own emotions. You may also want to consider having another trusted adult with you, either for moral support or to help you guide the conversation.

Tip #6: Don't judge

You don't need us to tell you this, but kids say the darnedest things. Sometimes the things they say will surprise you because their comments are astute and observant, cut right to the quick, or the words they choose are kind of silly. If a child says something that surprises you in the context of a conversation about death, try not to make them feel embarrassed, wrong, or ashamed.

Some examples of things that may take adults by surprise when speaking to a child about death include:

If the child has specific curiosities about the physical aspects of death

If the child seems like they don't care

If the child's response seems selfish or self-centered

If the child says something matter-of-fact or direct

If the child has existential questions or observations about the meaning of life and death

If the child makes angry, blaming statements

Remember, there's a wide range of normal responses and children will grieve little-by-little over time. Do your best to respond to their questions and comments in a calm, validating, and non-judgmental way.

Tip #7: Reassure, reassure, reassure

The death of a loved one is scary. Intense emotions are scary. Change is scary. As your child attempts to cope with everything that has happened, and as they attempt to make meaning of the death, they will likely benefit from a lot of reassurance. Hopefully, your child will make their worries known, but you may feel it's appropriate to reassure them about some of the following:

The death was not their fault: Grief has a funny way of making people, child and adult alike, feel guilty for all sorts of things. Some reasons why a child might feel responsible for their loved one's death include:

Magical thinking. This is when a child believes that their negative thoughts and wishes somehow contributed to their loved one's death.

If the person died from suicide, the child might have thoughts that if the person had loved them more they wouldn't have chosen to die, or if they had been a better child the person might have been happier.

If the child was in some way involved in the event that led to the death, they may feel responsible for the circumstances that led to the death or feel that they failed to respond in a way that prevented the death.

Make sure the child knows that the death was not their fault and that the death was not something they could have prevented.

The death was not their loved one's choice: Reassure the child that the death was not a deliberate choice and the person did not want to leave or abandon the child. In certain circumstances, like suicide, it may be helpful to discuss mental illness or to explain that " their brain wasn't working properly" and that this is why they killed themselves, not because they didn't love their family or because they didn't care about them.

They are safe and their family is safe: Make sure the child knows that they are safe and that they will not die. Make sure they also know that their family is safe and that their family members will not die anytime soon. I know we can't be sure of this, but reassure the child anyways (unless you have a compelling reason to believe this isn't true).

Sicknesses like the flu or a cold do not lead to death: If your loved one died of an illness like cancer, make sure the child knows that the type of illness their loved one had is different than the types of sicknesses they experience like the flu or the common cold.

They will be taken care of: Make sure the child knows that they will always be taken care of, no matter what happens. It may be helpful to brainstorm all the caring adults in their life who they can count on.

You will be honest with them and keep them informed: Death leads to change, it's often unavoidable. Reassure your child that you will get through things as a family, that you will make decisions as a family whenever possible, and that you will talk to them about changes before they happen.

Tip #8: Prepare them for customary rituals like funerals and memorial services

Talk to your child about funeral/memorial services before they attend them. There are three important things to cover in this conversation:

1. Include them in the planning to the extent possible. Ask them if there are things they would like to incorporate into the event or if there are special ways that they would like to honor their loved one.

2. Talk to them about what to expect before, during, and after the services, burial, etc. This may include discussions about things like the person's body, burial, cremation, what types of emotions they may witness, what types of emotions they expect to feel, etc.

3. Discuss their concerns and worries. Are there any parts of these rituals that worry them? Brainstorm ways for them to cope in the moment. For example, a small child might like to bring a favorite stuffed animal to hold or might want to choose a trusted adult to be their buddy for the day. Older kids might want help identifying a room or place where they can go to take a break if necessary.

Tip # 9: If you think it's necessary, help them to decide what they will say and/or share if people ask them about their loved one's death.

Help them to find their own language and way of responding to the sympathies and/or questions of others. Reassure them that it's okay to keep things private if they like

Tip # 10: Help them identify other support people who they feel comfortable talking with
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Talking to Kids About Death and Grief: 10 Comprehensive Tips - Whats your Grief

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If you came here looking for a script for talking to your child about death and grief, I'm sorry, we can't give you one. Your child is an individual and your situation is unique, so what you say and do will depend on a number of different factors. [...]

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"Sometimes not knowing what to say, what would be appropriate to a child who is bereaving, will prevent me from helping them. From reaching out to them." (Teacher)
Talking about death and grief can be difficult. When reaching out to a child who has recently experienced a loss, even caring and compassionate adults may hesitate, fearful of making comments that are not helpful. This module offers education professionals concrete advice on "what not to say" to grieving students and their families. It offers more constructive alternatives. Use this information to feel more confident that your comments will be supportive and affirming.

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What Not to Say - Coalition to Support Grieving Students

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This module offers school professionals concrete advice on "what not to say" to children and adults who are recently bereaved.

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The Coalition to Support Grieving Students appreciates the important role that schools can play in supporting grieving students. This topic has rarely been part of professional training of school personnel or included as a component of continuing education offerings. This website was created to fill this gap. It provides training resources specially designed for school professionals, including brief video modules on a range of topics. Each video module is accompanied by a handout that summarizes the key points covered in the video; many of the modules are divided into several "chapters" so you can watch part of the video and return to a subsequent chapter at a later time. There are also some additional materials, as well as links to other websites, that can be found in the Additional Resources section.

Principals, assistant principals, superintendents, school board members, and central office staff have important leadership roles in this area. You can help ensure that classroom teachers and all school personnel are better prepared to meet the needs of grieving students and their families. You may wish to use the training modules for in-service training or recommend that school personnel view the materials for self-directed professional development. We invite you to incorporate this information into your current bereavement policies and procedures, staff training plans, and community education initiatives.

You will also find resources that address how to lead in the setting of a school crisis where deaths are involved. We will add more materials to the website over time, as well as periodically post special information after major national disasters or crisis events. Please feel free to contact us if you have suggestions for new topics or questions, or if you would like to consult with someone from the National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement about support strategies and procedures that could be used following a death in your school.

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Principals & Administrators - Coalition to Support Grieving Students

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The Coalition to Support Grieving Students appreciates the important role that schools can play in supporting grieving students. This topic has rarely been part of professional training of school personnel or included as a component of continuing education offerings. This website was created to fill this gap.

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NACG GriefTalk Schools Supporting a friend who is grieving

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NACG GriefTalk Schools Supporting a friend who is grieving

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In this podcast Eleanor Haley, MS and Litsa Williams, MA, LCSW-C, the mental health professionals behind the website and book ‘What’s Your Grief’, leave no stone unturned in demystifying the complicated and messy world of living life after loss. One digestible topic at a time, Haley and Williams distill topics ranging from grief theory to coping. Grievers and grief professionals alike will find their approach practical, relatable, informative and engaging. Grief is sad and confusing, but your grief support doesn’t have to be.

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When children and teens at The Dougy Center are asked, "What's something you wish people would stop saying?", they break out in a chorus of "I'm sorry!" What do you say when you find out someone died? What words do you write in a sympathy card or email? It's a universal struggle to know what to say in an inherently emotional and potentially uncomfortable situation. Grieving people, especially children and teens, are extremely tuned into other people's discomfort. Friends, teachers, and colleagues often don't know what to say or how to react when it comes out in conversation that someone's parent, sibling, friend, or other family member died. This can lead many people, including children and teens, to avoid any topic that connects to their loss. Everyday questions such as: How come your grandparents always pick you up after school? How old is your mother? How many siblings do you have? can leave grievers feeling confused about what to say and worried that answering honestly will make other people uncomfortable. Grieving people brace for the automatic, "I'm sorry," that often follows when they disclose that someone in their life died.
When asked why they don't like that response, children and teens had this to say:

"How am I supposed to respond? It's okay? I mean, really, it's not okay."

"Um, it's not their fault, why are they apologizing?"

"It's just so awkward. It's like a total conversation stopper."

"So many people say it, even people I've never talked to before, it feels kind of fake."

"I know they mean well, but it just gets old."

Does this mean definitively that you should never say, "I'm sorry" to someone who is grieving? No, it's just helpful to consider the relationship you have with the person and the context of the conversation when choosing what to say. Ask yourself the question, "Is what I'm about to say going to connect or disconnect the conversation?" Sometimes "I'm sorry," can act as an interruption. This may happen when a person shares about a death as part of a bigger story they are telling. When "I'm sorry," is interjected, it can stop the flow of conversation, and leave the teller with the awkward task of saying something like "It's okay, it was a long time ago." On the other hand, if a friend calls to tell you that someone died, that's a time when an authentic, heartfelt, "I'm sorry" can serve as a connection. Even in that situation though, keep in mind that the person on the other end of the line has likely heard those words many times over, so it can be good to try and think of something different to say. A few possibilities include: "I'm so sad to hear this," "I'm so sorry you have to go through this," and "How heartbreaking." Another option is just to repeat back what the person tells you, "Your dad died last night." This gives them the opportunity to say more and direct the conversation.

When it comes to children and teens, one of the only alternatives they've offered is, "That totally sucks." Of course, if that's language you're not comfortable with, you might come up with something else that acknowledges the reality of the loss without verging into what the teens call, "sympathy overload." Many teens appreciate when people can remain matter of fact when talking about the death. They can grow very uncomfortable if they sense people feel sorry for them.

In the end, there's no perfect thing to say or not say. Just keep in mind that grieving people are navigating conversations, big and small, throughout the day that have the potential to highlight their loss. Conveying a sense of calm and ease when someone does tell you about a death goes a long way to dismantle the awkwardness and discomfort they are used to encountering. From that foundation, you can choose which words to say, based on your connection with that person and the context of the conversation. Try writing down a few alternative phrases that work for you. This will make it easier to access them the next time you want to communicate that you care to someone who is grieving.

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Dougy Center for Grieving Children & Families | Portland, OR

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When children and teens at The Dougy Center are asked, "What's something you wish people would stop saying?", they break out in a chorus of "I'm sorry!" What do you say when you find out someone died? What words do you write in a sympathy card or email?

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I spent a lot of time with my grandmother when I was growing up. When I was young, before I started school, my grandmother watched me while my parents worked. I have many fond memories of walking the alleys by her house to the playground, helping her stuff grape leaves and roll cookies, playing the piano, painting our nails together, watching All My Children, and eating her delicious lentil soup.

But let me back up a bit. Long long before that, when my mother was just a twinkle in her father's eye, my grandparents emigrated to the United States from Greece. They did what most good Greeks did: they opened a restaurant and they had children. But life did what life does sometimes - it took my grandfather way too soon, leaving my grandmother a widow with two elementary-school aged children. My grandmother ran the restaurant on her own, raising her two children in an apartment upstairs. A vision of the American Dream, she sent her children off to college, one to the Ivy League, and one at the top of her class through college and pharmacy school. In her retirement my grandmother moved to Baltimore. She stayed busy as a church volunteer and as a babysitter to her grandchildren. In her eighties she was still spending twelve hour days at the Greek Festival making loukoumades and selling pastries.

In her late eighties my grandmother had a stroke. The years that followed brought dementia that slowly took away the fiercely independent woman we knew. She was a version of my grandmother, a woman who was still kind, who still prayed, and who still loved having her nails painted. But this version of my grandmother spoke less and less, came in and out of awareness, had to be reminded who we were, and could no longer care for herself.

When my grandmother died just shy of her 95 th birthday in 2004 I am not sure I had ever heard the words 'anticipatory grief'. And yet I remember so well thinking that we had been saying goodbye over the past six years, as she had slowly slipped away. Though she had still been with us in body, we had been slowly mourning the loss of her personality, her independence, her memory, and her awareness for years. Remembering who she had been, it was like we had been watching her fade away.

Anticipatory Grief: the nitty gritty

Here is the thing about grief - though we think of it as something that happens after a death, it often begins long before death arrives. It can start as soon as we become aware that death is a likelihood. Once death is on the horizon, even just as a possibility, it is natural that we begin to grieve.

Though this is different than the grief that follows a death, anticipatory grief can carry many of the symptoms of regular grief - sadness, anger, isolation, forgetfulness, and depression. These complicated emotions are often coupled with the exhaustion that comes with being a caregiver or the stress of being left alone when someone goes to war or is battling addiction. We are aware of the looming death and accepting it will come, which can bring an overwhelming anxiety and dread. More than that, in advance of a death we grieve the loss of person's abilities and independence, their loss of cognition, a loss of hope, loss of future dreams, loss of stability and security, loss of their identity and our own, and countless other losses. This grief is not just about accepting the future death, but of the many losses already occurring as an illness progresses.

When we know a death is imminent our bodies are often in a state of hyper-alertness - we panic whenever the phone rings, an ambulance must be called, or when our loved one deteriorates. This can become mentally and physically exhausting. The same is true of watching a loved one suffer, which is almost always part of a prolonged illness. Caring for them as they suffer takes an emotional toll on us. These things (and others) can contribute to a sense of relief when the death eventually comes, and a guilt that can come with that relief. These feelings are common and totally normal when someone has experienced an anticipated death. And yet we feel guilty for this relief, thinking it diminishes our love for the person. It doesn't, of course, but this relief can be a confusing feeling. We sometimes need to consciously remind ourselves that the relief does not change the deep love we had for the person, rather it is a natural reaction to the illness.

There have been numerous studies showing that anticipatory grief can reduce the symptoms of grief after a death but, as always with grief, there are no rules. There will be times that anticipatory grief may reduce the intensity of grief following a loss, then there are many times that the grief following a death is not impacted at all. For a great review of the research on anticipatory grief (and understanding of why much of the data conflicts), see this article by Reynolds and Both a. What is important to keep in mind is that if you are grieving with less intensity or for shorter duration than other losses because of the anticipatory grief you experienced before the death, that is totally normal! On the flip side, if you do not feel your grief is diminished despite it being an anticipated death, that is totally normal too! Convenient, eh? There is no formula for how an anticipated loss will impact us because we all grieve differently.

Things to Remember When Dealing with Anticipatory Grief

1. Accept that anticipatory grief is normal. You are normal and feeling grief before a death is normal. You are allowed to feel this type of grief. Seriously. This is a common phenomenon that has been documented for nearly a century. You are not alone!

2. Acknowledge your losses. People may say annoying things like, "at least your mom is still here" that minimize what you are experiencing. Allow yourself to acknowledge that, though the person hasn't died, you are grieving. Consider journaling, art, photography, or other creative outlets to express the emotions around things like acceptance of the impending death, loss of hope, loss of the person you once knew, loss of the future you imagined, etc. Explore mindfulness (we have a post on that here) as a way of being present and aware of the many emotions your are coping with.

3. Connect with others. Anticipatory grief is common among caregivers, but unfortunately when all your time is consumed with caregiving you may feel totally alone and isolated. Seek out caregiver support groups, either in your area or online, so you can connect with others who understand the challenges you are facing, including anticipatory grief. There is an online anticipatory grief forum that is active here if you are looking for online support.

4. Remember that anticipatory grief doesn't mean you are giving up. As long as you are there for support, you are not giving up on a family member or friend. There comes a time where we often accept that an illness is terminal and that recovery is no longer a possibility. Though it is a reality, there can be a feeling of guilt that comes with that acceptance. Focus on what you are doing - still supporting, caring, loving, creating meaningful time together, etc. You are shifting your energy from hope for recovery to hope for meaningful, comfortable time together.

5. Reflect on the remaining time. Consider how you and your loved one will want to spend that time together. Though what we want may not always be possible, do your best to spend your remaining time together in a way you and your loved one find meaningful. If your loved one is open to it, you may want to discuss practical matters, like advance directives and funeral arrangements to ensure that you are able to honor their wishes (rather than being stuck having to guess what they would have wanted).

6. Communicate. Just like we all grieve differently, anticipatory grief is different for everyone. Expect that everyone in your family may be experiencing and coping with anticipatory grief in different ways. Keeping the lines of communication open can help everyone better understand one another. If you are planning for the remaining time to be meaningful and comfortable, make sure to include all the important family members and friends in those discussions.

7. Take care of yourself. I know, vague and way easier said than done!! But it is true. Check out our posts on self-care (for normal people), yoga, and meditation for some ideas of ways to take care of yourself. Remember the old cliché, you can't take care of others if you don't take care of yourself.

8. Take advantage of your support system. Caregiving and anticipatory grief can be a long road. Do an assessment of your support systems so you know which people may be able to help you out (and who you may want to avoid!). We have a great support system superlative journaling activity to help you out with your assessment here.

9. Say yes to counseling! I know, there are still some of you out there who may think counseling is just for wackadoos. I am here to tell you that is just not true! Counseling is helpful for normal, everyday people who just need a place to process complicated emotions and have some you-time. So just say yes to counseling if you are feeling overwhelmed with the feelings of anticipatory grief. You can check out our post on finding a counselor here.

10. Relief is normal. In the case of anticipated loses there can be months, years, and even decades of caregiving that can be overwhelming and exhausting (though adjectives don't even seem like enough!). When someone dies there can be a sense of relief that is completely normal, but that can also create feelings of guilt. Remember that feeling relief after an anticipated death does not mean you loved the person any less. It is a normal reaction after a stressful and overwhelming time in your life.

11. Don't assume. Just because your loss was an anticipated loss, do not assume this will either speed up or slow down your grief after the death. We have said it before and we will say it again: we all grieve differently.

Have you had experience with anticipatory grief? Leave a comment - we are all a little better when we can learn from one another.

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Grieving Before A Death: Understanding Anticipatory Grief

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I spent a lot of time with my grandmother when I was growing up. When I was young, before I started school, my grandmother watched me while my parents worked. I have many fond memories of walking the alleys by her house to the playground, helping her stuff [...]

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Tools for grief. We provide resources, support and connection for children, teens, young adults and families that are grieving before and after a death.

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•	Grief Support Professionals - Chicago Area

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•	Grief Support Professionals - Chicago Area

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The Coalition to Support Grieving Students appreciates the important role that classroom teachers, including teachers, paraprofessionals, and other instructional staff, can play in supporting grieving students. This topic has rarely been part of professional training of school personnel or included as a component of continuing education offerings. This website was created to fill this gap.

The site covers a range of grief-related topics to provide training resources specially designed for school professionals, including brief video modules. Each video module is accompanied by a handout that summarizes the key points covered in the video; many of the modules are divided into several "chapters" so that you can watch part of the video and return to a subsequent chapter at a later time.

You may choose to view specific modules to answer questions you have about how to support a student in your class who has experienced a loss. We hope you will return to view additional modules and learn more about this important topic. These modules can also be used in learning groups or can be viewed as part of in-service training. There are also some additional materials, as well as links to other websites, that can be found in the Additional Resources section.

We will add more materials to the website over time, as well as periodically post special information after major national disasters or crisis events. Please feel free to contact us if you have suggestions for new topics or questions, or if you would like to speak with someone from the National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement for additional suggestions about how to support grieving students.

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Classroom Teachers - Coalition to Support Grieving Students

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The Coalition to Support Grieving Students appreciates the important role that classroom teachers, including teachers, paraprofessionals, and other instructional staff, can play in supporting grieving students. This topic has rarely been part of professional training of school personnel or included as a component of continuing education offerings.

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With the right kind of support, children are fully capable of successfully navigating the challenges of bereavement and growing into healthy adults. As a matter of fact, research has found that healthy children are the product of a positive relationship with their parent or caregiver, especially where there is care and warmth, modeling of healthy coping behaviors, honest and open communication, and clearly established expectations for behavior in the home.

How do I tell my child that someone has died?

Telling a child that their father or mother, sister or brother has died ranks among the most difficult tasks a parent will encounter. There is no "one size fits all" in terms of what to say, but there are a few general principles that may help. The explanation you offer your children will vary depending on the circumstances of the family member's death; was there an acute or long term illness, or did the death occur suddenly and without warning?

In either case, it is important to talk to your children as soon as possible after the death. Start simply and honestly, and preferably in person, by saying something like, "I have some sad news to share with you. Today your Dad was in a car accident. The ambulance took him to the hospital but he was hurt too badly and he died." First and foremost, be honest and avoid any temptation to alter the truth. If there are questions you can't answer, say, "I don't know, but I can try to find out."

You may want to wait and see what questions your children have before giving more information than they can handle at one time. It's also helpful to reassure them that, "this is hard, but we will get through it together."

Contributed by: Staff at the Dougy Center

What do I tell my child if their person died from suicide?

When talking with your child, it is important to take into consideration your child's age. Younger children often process information in bite size pieces. Older children and teens often have complex questions and might want a lot of information.

When deciding how much to tell your child, follow their lead based on the questions that you're being asked. Answering children's questions honestly is important. So is explaining suicide in terms that they can understand. For example, "Your mom died of suicide." Suicide means that a person caused their own death. As a parent, you might be hesitant to say these words, but children often overhear the word suicide and might be confused by what it means.

By having this open conversation, you are allowing your child the opportunity to ask questions and have concerns addressed. Children will often ask "why." It is okay to say, "I don't know" if you don't know why.

If you have been struggling with how to have these conversations, or have not been fully honest up to this point, try not to be too hard on yourself. After all, you are also grappling with your own grief and sorrow. Going forward, the key is to create an environment where difficult, yet necessary conversations can take place.

Contributed by: Pamela Gabbay, M.A., FT

What do I tell my child if their person died from homicide?

As in most "grief talks" or "how do I break bad news" questions, timing is everything. In the case of a loss due to homicide, this is even more central to supporting your young person and family.

The very nature of a homicide involves urgency and quick responses by support and law enforcement personnel that may involve participating in an open investigation, or an "in the moment" or "on the scene" media presence that the family or child/teen may be involved in before any real talk or support can be given.

Supporters should be alert and very sensitive to whether or not the child/teen was a witness to any events preceding the death, or the actual event itself before attempting to talk with the child/teen. This awareness can help you garner responses and resources for addressing possible trauma or other related issues present.

Support offered should factor in any need a child or teen may have about what they have seen or heard about their person on TV or other social media.

Information shared should seek to clarify and to answer questions about what has happened in an age appropriate and truthful manner.

Again, an awareness of the immediate impact of the homicide on the child's/teen's daily functioning can be more helpful than thinking that questions or support involve a need to know "what happened".

By addressing these needs first in our support efforts we may experience a natural and healing unfolding of what else needs to happen to provide support for the family/young person.

Contributed by: Alesia Alexander Layne, MSW, LCSW, CT, Project KARMA

Should my child attend the funeral and or participate in the funeral?

While it is natural to want to "protect" children from the painful reality of death, end of life rituals are vital to a child's understanding of death and a key component of grief and mourning. Funerals are communal events, which we have been performing since the beginning of time, across continents and cultures. Allowing children the option to attend and participate in these significant end of life rituals is important.

Start by telling them what it will look like. Walk them through what they will see, who might come, what people might say, and how people might feel. Children are wonderfully inquisitive and they will be curious at the funeral.

Answer questions honestly and confess when you don't know the answer. Many parents find it helpful to have a point person during the funeral. Identify someone you and your child trust to be available if your child wants to take a break or stop participating in the ritual.

So, give kids the facts they need, normalize the experience, and let them know their choices. If they decide they do not want to participate that's okay, too. Just be sure they are making the decision with unbiased facts.

Contributed by: Joseph Primo, MDiv, Chief Executive Officer, Good Grief

What reactions might I expect to see with my grieving child?

Your child will grieve in his or her own unique way. How they grieve will depend on many different factors including their age, their stage of cognitive development; cultural influences; their relationship with the deceased and most importantly, how you are grieving.

Young children up to age 6 are subject to the kind of illogical or magical thinking typical of that developmental stage. They are also egocentric and may think that somehow they caused the death of their loved one. In addition, young children don't understand that death is irreversible and may be waiting for their loved one to return. Young children need reassurance, comfort and patience on your part as you respond their questions. School Aged children understand that death is permanent but still struggle to make sense of what happened. Respond to their questions in truthful, direct language and know that they are old enough to hear the answer if they've asked the question. Children of this age may lack the ability to verbalize their feelings and may behave in ways that cause additional problems. Children may have trouble tolerating strong emotions that are triggered by reminders of the deceased and will need to learn ways to cope with those feelings and thoughts. Parents and caregivers can provide reassurance and bereavement support programs can provide opportunities for children to connect with others who are also coping with a death in the family. Adolescents are also egocentric and struggle with guilt and regret when a loved one dies. They may attempt to cope with their grief in ways that can be impulsive or even unhealthy. In addition to keeping the lines of communication open with their teens, parents and caregivers can promote supportive relationships. Participation in grief support programs with similarly bereaved teens is also beneficial. Families can encourage teens to continue to pursue the goals they'd had before the death, including leaving home for college or work after high school graduation.

Contributed by: Lauren Schneider, LCSW, Clinical Director of Child and Adolescent Programs, OUR HOUSE Grief Support Center

How can I help my child transition back to school? When should they go back to school?

Going back to school after a death in the family can be an emotional experience for children, as well as parents and caregivers. Although there isn't a "right" time to go back to school, it is important to promote a return to routine activities and structure.

Caregivers should consider the child's level of comfort in being separated from supportive adults, and may want to have children attend half days or come to school for lunch breaks to help ease the transition.

It is important to let school personnel know about the death and share what has been helpful to the child.

The impact of a family death on a child's academic functioning can be unpredictable. Grief reactions can intensify at any time-including during a math test. In some situations, grief can influence a child's ability to make decisions, and impair memory and concentration, resulting in a decline in school performance. There can also be symptoms similar to ADHD, including disorganization, distractibility, hyperactivity and impulsivity.

Grieving students are likely to benefit from additional social, emotional and learning supports. Parents and caregivers may want to request that school personnel consider making additional accommodations for their children, such as opportunities for breaks or time with a counselor during the day, reduced workload or assignment extensions, assistance with organization and time management, or tutoring when needed. Families can advocate for their children by sharing the resources they have found helpful with school personnel.

Contributed by: Staff at Judi's House and JAG Institute for Grieving Children and Families

What are some of the challenges my child may face at school?

There are many common challenges kids who are grieving express having at school. Many children might be nervous to return to school because they are worried that others might ask them about their person's death.

Some report being distracted and even frustrated because they cannot concentrate on their work. Other children have reported that they are worried they might have a grief trigger and get upset or cry in front of their friends. Some children have also reported being bullied, or picked on by other children; and some simply share that people say things that they intend to be helpful or comforting, but that are actually hurtful.

Even with all of these potential challenges, though, school remains a safe, structured environment for children and can be helpful as they adapt to life without their person who died. It is helpful to be with friends, get out of the house, and take part in coordinated, fun activities.

Although returning to school can be challenging, parents/caregivers can be encouraging, schedule time to "check-in" about how school is going, and listen when their children need to express their frustrations.

Contributed by: Andy McNiel, M.A.

How do I parent a grieving child?

The experience of grief can be difficult for any child to comprehend and sharing their feelings can be a challenge. After a death, children are often left feeling frightened, angry, sad or confused. They may lack the ability to express themselves, or reach out for help, in a clear or mature way.

Often when a child misbehaves they are trying to communicate a need for help, or a strong feeling, and just lack the vocabulary and skills needed. Adults may see negative or "acting out" behavior as intentional, but sometimes it is just a reflection of the child's limitations and desire for support.

While no loss experience should excuse antisocial or dangerous behavior, we must not miss the messages in our child's actions.

Set clear limits for the negative behavior and focus on safety being absolute, while also offering healthier ways for the child to express himself or herself.

Be confident, but not overly critical, when commenting on misbehavior.

When a child doesn't want to "talk," parents and caregivers can still model healthy self-expression by sharing their own feelings.

When we help children find better ways to share their feelings and needs, negative behaviors are less likely to occur.

Contributed by: Peter Willig, LMFT, FT

Can my child be okay?

After the death of a loved one, parents and caregivers are often concerned about their children's ability to cope. Although the field of childhood grief is still learning about how children function after a death, current research indicates that bereaved youth usually go on to lead healthy and productive lives.

It is also natural to see changes in children's behaviors after a death, including signs of sadness, anger, and fear.

That being said, it is helpful to be aware of signs that can tell us when a child may be in need of more formalized, professional support. Some behaviors that might indicate the need for further support include:
(1) inability to keep up with daily tasks, such as regularly attending school, completing homework, personal hygiene;
(2) significant, ongoing signs of extreme sadness, sobbing, or social withdrawal;
(3) risky, harmful behaviors (drug use, reckless driving, stealing);
(4) inability to acknowledge the death, or appearing numb or totally disconnected from the reality of the death; or
(5) persistent fantasies about ending his/her life in order to be reunited with the deceased person in an afterlife.
Julie Kaplow, Ph.D., Director, Trauma and Grief Center for Youth, Texas Children's Hospital

Grieving is a natural human experience and serves a crucial purpose in our lives after we lose someone important to us. While the parent-child relationship and open communication are the most important tools to insure healthy adjustment after a family death, many parents have concerns about their children or feel the need for more support for their children or themselves.

Fortunately, there are resources for children and families that can promote a child's health after loss. Many communities have support programs for individuals who are grieving. Professionals and trained volunteers provide activities and opportunities for children to be with peers who are also coping with a death.

Many programs also provide parent education or group sessions that offer information, support and suggestions for parenting their bereaved children.

There are also child and family mental health centers based in health care facilities or universities where experts provide screening and counseling services for children who may be having a more difficult time after the loss. Families can identify resources by asking trusted health care providers for suggestions in their own communities.

Public libraries not only contain helpful books for children and parents but may also have listings of regional resources.

The National Alliance for Grieving Children is the most comprehensive source for information and services focusing on childhood bereavement. The NAGC website and its Childhood Bereavement Awareness Initiative website contain many resources for families including a listing of grief programs and centers across the United States.

Parents and children face new and unfamiliar challenges as they grieve a death in the family; it is a time to gather as many resources as possible.

Contributed by: Donna A. Gaffney, DNSc, PMHCNS-BC, FAAN

Find Support

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With the right kind of support, children are fully capable of successfully navigating the challenges of bereavement and growing into healthy adults. As a matter of fact, research has found that healthy children are the product of a positive relationship with their parent or caregiver, especially where there is care and warmth, modeling of healthy coping behaviors, honest and open communication, and clearly established expectations for behavior in the home.

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Mary-Frances O'Connor, Ph.D. - The Grieving Brain: How We Learn from Love and Loss

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NACG's list of bereavement support programs (National list by state)

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NACG's list of bereavement support programs (National list by state)

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Please use the links below to Find Support in your area.

The National Alliance for Grieving Children lists grief support service providers who serve children, teens and their families. The National Alliance for Grieving Children does not evaluate or check the validity of certifications or licenses of any provider. In seeking grief support services and/or counseling, NAGC recommends that each consumer inquire directly with the providers listed as to their trainings and certifications, with the better business bureau or with any applicable governing licensing boards.

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Please use the links below to Find Support in your area. The National Alliance for Grieving Children lists grief support service providers who serve children, teens and their families. The National Alliance for Grieving Children does not evaluate or check the validity of certifications or licenses of any provider.

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The Coalition to Support Grieving Students appreciates the important role that schools can play in supporting grieving students. This topic has rarely been part of professional preparation for the majority of school professionals or included as a component of continuing education offerings. This website was created to fill this gap. It provides training resources specially designed for school professionals, including brief video modules on a range of topics. Each video module is accompanied by a handout that summarizes the key points covered in the video; many of the modules are divided into several "chapters" so that you can watch part of the video and return to a subsequent chapter at a later time. There are also some additional materials, as well as links to other websites, that can be found in the Additional Resources section.

School counselors, school nurses, school psychologists, school social workers, and other student support personnel often are in the position to provide ongoing bereavement support to grieving students, assist families in identifying appropriate community resources, and help classroom educators and other school professionals become better prepared to provide support to their students. We invite you to incorporate the training modules in your own presentations to classroom educators and other school professionals, recommend that school personnel view the materials for self-directed professional development, or draw ideas from the modules to help you directly provide support to grieving students.

You will also find resources that address how to support students in the event of a school crisis where deaths are involved. We will add more materials to the website over time, as well as periodically post special information after major national disasters or crisis events. Please feel free to contact us if you have suggestions for new topics or questions, or if you would like to consult with someone from the National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement about how to address the needs of grieving children in your school.

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Student Support Personnel - Coalition to Support Grieving Students

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The Coalition to Support Grieving Students appreciates the important role that schools can play in supporting grieving students. This topic has rarely been part of professional preparation for the majority of school professionals or included as a component of continuing education offerings. This website was created to fill this gap.

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Supporting Preschoolers Who Are Grieving

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Supporting Preschoolers Who Are Grieving

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Explaining death to a young child and supporting them in their grief can feel overwhelming and intimidating. The resources below, created for youngest grievers are free for all who need them - please use and share them freely.

These resources were made possible through a partnership between Dougy Center and KinderCare Education . The NACG is supporting this project in distributing to our community. We are grateful to these two partners for sharing the work for the benefit of all.

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Explaining death to a young child and supporting them in their grief can feel overwhelming and intimidating. The resources below, created for youngest grievers are free for all who need them - please use and share them freely. These resources were made possible through a partnership between Dougy Center and KinderCare Education .

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When grief hits a family, children often become the focus - how to talk to them about death, how to recognize if they are grieving 'normally', how to create open communication and dialogue. etc. When we ask adults what they need in their grief often their first response is what they need for their children. We have number of articles on WYG offering this type of support. We have posts on the impact of age on understanding , on grief journals and workbooks for kid s, on the risks of using euphemisms , on art activities for grieving kids , on art activities for grieving kids and adults , on talking to kids about suicide , an activity book for kids after a suicide , on holiday activities for kid s, and more holiday activities for kids. We also have an article reminding you why it is important to take care of yourself in order to better care for the children in your life. But one thing that we don't have is a list of kids books about death and grief, despite the fact that we get asked about this fairly often.

We have talked about journal, activity and workbooks for kids , but sometimes a story is the best way to open a dialogue. Often reading a story can help kids know they are not alone and normalize what they are experiencing. It can offer a safe way to open a dialogue with children about death and grief, in groups, as a family, or one-on-one. So today, here it is! We have a list of 64 children's books about grief. As with all of our '64 things' lists, we know this is not an exhaustive list. Please add your favorites in the comments. The books are primarily for the 10 and under crowd but, rest assured, a list of 64 Young Adult novels about grief is on the horizon.

1. Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children (kids 5+)

2. The Invisible String (kids 3+)

3. Everett Anderson's Goodbye (Reading Rainbow) (kids 5-8)

4. The Tenth Good Thing About Barney (kids 6-9)

5. I'll Always Love You (kids 3-7)

6. When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death (Dino Life Guides for Families) (kids 4-8)

7. I Miss You: A First Look at Death (First Look at Books) (kids 4+)

8. The Saddest Time (kids 6-9)

9. Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Loss (kids 8+)

10. The Fall of Freddie the Leaf: A Story of Life for All Ages (kids 4+)

11. Gentle Willow: A Story for Children About Dying (kids 4+)

12. Where Are You? A Child's Book About Loss (kids 4-8)

13. Samantha Jane's Missing Smile: A Story About Coping With the Loss of a Parent (kids 5+)

14. The Scar (kids5-9)

15. A Terrible Thing Happened (kids 4+)

16. The Elephant in the Room: A Childrens Book for Grief and Loss (kids 4+)

17. The Boy Who Didn't Want to Be Sad (kids 4+)

18. I Wish I Could Hold Your Hand...: A Child's Guide to Grief and Loss (Little Imp Books) (kids 9+)

19. Water Bugs and Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children (kids 4+)

20. When Your Grandparent Dies: A Child's Guide to Good Grief (Elf-Help Books for Kids) (kids 5+)

21. Someone I Love Died (kids 4-8)

22. What Happened When Grandma Died? (kids 4+)

23. Always and Forever (kids 4+)

24. Badger's Parting Gifts (kids 4-8)

25. Ghost Wings (kids 5+)

26. Finding Grandpa Everywhere: A Young Child Discovers Memories of a Grandparent (kids 7+)

27. The Grandpa Tree (kids 3+)

28. Sad Isn't Bad: A Good-Grief Guidebook for Kids Dealing with Loss (Elf-Help Books for Kids) (kids 6+)

29. Nana Upstairs and Nana Downstairs (Picture Puffins) (kids 4-8)

30. Daddy, Up and Down: Sisters Grieve the Loss of Their Daddy (kids 4-8)

31. Saying Goodbye to Daddy (kids 4+)

32. The Angel with the Golden Glow: A Family's Journey Through Loss and Healing (kids 4+)

33. Where's Jess: For Children Who Have a Brother or Sister Die (kids 3-6)

34. A Taste of Blackberries (kids 8-12)

35. Bridge to Terabithia (kids 8-12)

36. My Grandson Lew (kids 4-6)

37. Aarvy Aardvark Finds Hope: A Read Aloud Story for People of All Ages About Loving and Losing, Friendship and Hope (as the title says, people of all ages!)

38. The Empty Place: A Child's Guide Through Grief (Let's Talk) (kids 5-10)

39. Dancing on the Moon (kids 3+)

40. Lost and Found: Remembering a Sister (kids 6+)

41. Stacy Had a Little Sister (A Concept Book) (kids 4+)

42. Ragtail Remembers: A Story That Helps Children Understand Feelings of Grief (kids 4+)

43. Goodbye Mousie (kids 4-8)

44. Remembering Crystal (kids 3+)

45. Rudi's Pond (kids 5-8)

46. The Memory String (kids 4-8)

47. Sammy in the Sky (kids 4-8)

48. Where Do People Go When They Die? (kids 3-8)

49. Chester Raccoon and the Acorn Full of Memories (kids 3-8)

50. Her Mother's Face (kids 4-8)

51. Remembering Mama (kids 4+)

52. Old Pig (Picture Puffin) (kids 3-8)

53. Pearl's Marigolds for Grandpa (kids 3-7)

54. Saying Goodbye to Lulu (kids 3-6)

55. The Mountains of Tibet (kids 7+)

56. Rabbityness (kids 3-7)

57. I Wish I Could Hold Your Hand...: A Child's Guide to Grief and Loss (Little Imp Books) (kids 9+)

58. Can You Hear Me Smiling?: A Child Grieves a Sister (kids 8+)

59. The Copper Tree (kids 5-8)

60. Everybody Feels Sad (kids 4+)

61. Grief is Like a Snowflake (kids 4+)

62. My Baby Big Sister: A Book for Children Born Subsequent to a Pregnancy Loss (kids 4-8)

63. Ladder to the Moon (kids 4-8)

64. Missing Mommy: A Book About Bereavement (kids 3-8).
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64 Children's Books About Death and Grief - Whats your Grief

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When grief hits a family, children often become the focus - how to talk to them about death, how to recognize if they are grieving 'normally', how to create open communication and dialogue. etc. When we ask adults what they need in their grief often their first response [...]

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Dougy Center for Grieving Children & Families | Portland, OR

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At Dougy Center, you’ll find grief support, resources, and connection before and after a death. We provide the right place when nothing feels right.

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We all experience losses, big and little, throughout our lives. When enduring a big loss, people fall into patterns that may be considered masculine or feminine ways of reacting.

Men and women tend to process their losses differently, but the way they grieve is affected by many other factors besides gender, such as culture, personality, and temperament. Grief and loss are experienced in unique ways by each individual.

A generalization about gender differences in grieving would be that men tend to focus on feelings of guilt and anger. They are likely to spend more time thinking than feeling. They also tend to act independently rather than rely on others.

Women typically need more support and are expressive with their emotions, which is behavior we tend to associate with grief and loss. However, there is no cookie cutter approach to mourning. In recent years, experts like Kenneth Doka, PhD, have recategorized these types as intuitive and instrumental grief.

Intuitive grief can be associated with our generalizations of the way that women grieve, which includes the following:

Strong, affective reactions (waves of powerful emotions)

Expressions that mirror feelings (more like an open book)

Moving forward involves exploring and expressing feelings, progressing through the pain in order to heal.

Instrumental grief can be associated with the masculine way of grieving, which includes the following:

More thinking than feeling (an inward, quiet process, less expression of emotions)

Being physical, expressing grief through doing something (I could not fix my son, but
I can fix this broken fence)

So how do you help someone who doesn't want to talk or ask for help?

Use logical analysis-figuring out problems by breaking them down into manageable steps (to be less overwhelming)

Gather information-on new roles (in your household, family, work, etc), supports, faith, to do lists, etc., in order to start implementing

Use humor-It has much of the same release as crying does, and it's still okay to laugh

Provide diversions/distractions-list all supports and assign them to categories

Good doers (who could take care of the pet, get the paper, etc.)

Good listeners

Good respite (who could take a break from the grief and will not ask you about your loss)

Instrumental grievers would benefit more from groups that focus on a how-to (like being a single parent), adventure based, informal or educational, than a traditional support group.

Like any other model for grief, there are several tools you can use with variations for each person. There are always ways to help. You can start by figuring out which support is needed and offer it. And if you need help, ask for what you need. Just know that there is never a wrong way to grieve.

© Copyright 2012 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved.

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

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Two Styles of Grieving: Intuitive and Instrumental - GoodTherapy.org Therapy Blog

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We all experience losses, big and little, throughout our lives. When enduring a big loss, people fall into patterns that may be considered masculine or feminine ways of reacting. Men and women tend to process their losses differently, but the way they grieve is affected by many other factors besides gender, such as culture, personality, and temperament.

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This morning I entered the phrase 'Types of Grief' into Google and my search returned a surprising number of results. On the first page of results alone I found 10 different types of grief with 3 subheadings under 'Complicated Grief' and I thought to myself, "what the?!?" Who knew there were so many different classifications and titles?

I'm sure most people operate under the assumption that grief is just plain old grief! So with this in mind I have created a 'Types of Grief Glossary'. Kind of like a wiki but less comprehensive and slightly more random. It's just a reference tool so you can understand the different terms you may encounter as a griever.

You're welcome!

Normal Grief

Hahahahaha...oh wait, you're serious. Okay fine let's talk about 'Normal Grief' by first clarifying there is no 'typical' or 'average'. There are no timelines and grief experiences generally vary from one individual to another. 'Normal Grief' simply refers to a grief response that falls under an extremely broad umbrella of predictability.

Reactions to a loss can be physical and psychological. It is not uncommon to experience periods of intense distress and feeling such as (but not limited to) the following: longing, crying, dreaming of your loved one, anger, denial, sadness, despair, insomnia, fatigue, guilt, loss of interest, confusion and disorganization, disbelief, inability to concentrate, preoccupation with thoughts of your loved one, fleeting hallucinatory experiences, meaninglessness, withdrawl, avoidance, over-reacting, numbness, relief, sadness, yearning, fear, shame, loneliness, helplessness, hopelessness, emptiness, loss of appetite, weight gain. Right, I just listed every symptom to every disorder that's ever existed. I'm sorry but grief makes you crazy.

However, 'Normal Grief' is marked by movement towards acceptance of the loss and a gradual alleviation of the symptoms, as well as the ability to continue to engage in basic daily activities.

As its name suggests, 'Anticipatory Grief' is the reaction to a death you were able to anticipate such as when an individual dies from a long term illness. As soon as you accept and understand someone you love is going to die, you begin grieving.

Grief that occurs preceeding a loss can be confusing, as you may feel conflicted or guilty for experiencing grief reactions about someone who is still here. You may experience anger, loss of emotional control, and helplessness. You may also feel grief over the loss of things other than the individual, such as loss of hopes and dreams for the future and the loss associated with a changing roles and family structures.

'Anticipatory Grief' is different than the grief response felt after a death and does not necessarily make the later any easier. However, it can allow those who love the individual to slowly and gradually prepare for and absorb the reality of the loss. Also, for some but not all, it allows for meaningful time spent with the individual lending to a sense of closure and peace.

Complicated Grief

Refers to grief reactions and feelings of loss that are debilitating, long lasting, and/or impair your ability to engage in daily activities. Other types of grief such as 'Chronic Grief', 'Delayed Grief', and 'Distorted Grief' all fall under the blanket of 'Complicated Grief'.

Although the concept of 'Complicated Grief' is well known and generally accepted, it's not without its detractors. There are some who believe 'Complicated Grief' is simply the manifestation of grief reactions combined with other mental disorders such as Depression and Anxiety.

Chronic Grief

Strong grief reactions that do not subside and last over a long period of time. Continually experiencing extreme distress over the loss with no progress towards feeling better or improving functioning.

Delayed Grief

When grief symptoms and reactions aren't experienced until long after a persons death or a much later time than is typical. The griever, who consciously or subconsciously avoids the reality and pain of the loss, suppresses these reactions.

Distorted Grief

Extreme, intense, or atypical reactions to a loss - odd changes in behavior and self-destructive actions. Anger and hostility towards oneself or others are common.

When one experiences a second loss while still grieving a first loss. This is also referred to as "bereavement overload" or "grief overload".

Prolonged Grief

(Similar to 'Chronic Grief') Grief reactions that are prolonged and intense. The griever is incapacitated by grief and daily function is impaired on a long-term basis. The griever spends much time contemplating the death, longing for reunion, and is unable to adjust to life without the individual.

Exaggerated Grief

An overwhelming intensification of normal grief reactions that may worsen over time. Characterized by extreme and excessive grief reactions possibly to include nightmares, self-destructive behaviors, drug abuse, thoughts of suicide, abnormal fears, and the development or emergence of psychiatric disorders.

When a loss impacts many areas of one's life, creating multiple losses stemming from the "primary loss". Though it is easy to think our grief is solely the grief of losing the person who died, our grief is also the pain of the other losses caused as a result of this death.

Masked Grief

Grief reactions that impair normal functioning however the individual is unable to recognize these symptoms and behaviors are related to the loss. Symptoms are often masked as either physical symptoms or other maladaptive behaviors.

One's grief is 'disenfranchised' when their culture, society, or support group, make them feel their loss and/or grief is invalidated and insignificant. This can occur when the death is stigmatized (suicide, overdose, HIV/AIDS, drunk driving), the relationship is seen as insignificant (ex-spouse, co-worker, miscarriage, pet), the relationship is stigmatized by society (same-sex partner, gang member, partner from an extramarital affair), the loss is not a death (Dementia, Traumatic Brain Injury, Mental Illness, Substance Abuse).

Traumatic Grief

Normal grief responses experienced in combination with traumatic distress suffered as a result of a loved one dying in a way perceived to be frightening, horrifying, unexpected, violent and/or traumatic. Distress is extreme enough to impair daily functioning.

Collective Grief

Grief felt by a collective group such as a community, society, village, or nation as a result of an event such as a war, natural disaster, terrorist attack, death of a public figure, or any other event leading to mass casualties or national tragedy.

Ambiguous Loss: (See 'Disenfranchised Grief')

Losses that lack clarity and can lead to different views of who or what has been lost. Individuals and those around them may question whether a loss has occurred or if this is a loss that should validate deep emotional responses (such as with disenfranchised deaths).

Inhibited Grief

Occurs when an individual shows no outward signs of grief for an extended period of time. The individual inhibits their grief, eventually leading to physical manifestations and somatic complaints.

Abbreviated Grief

A short-lived grief response. The grieving process often seems shorter because the role of the deceased is immediately filled by someone/something else*, because there was little attachment to the deceased, and/or the individual is able to accept and integrate the loss quickly due to 'Anticipatory Grief'.

*So, I was surprised to find the most common explanation for abbreviated grief was due to "replacement of the deceased such as with a remarriage". What the what? I see what they are getting at and I suppose for a small faction of widows/widowers this could be true, but as a generalization this just seems ridiculous. Getting remarried after the death of a spouse is neither a 'replacement' nor the fast track to end your grief.

Absent Grief

This is when the bereaved shows absolutely no signs of grief and acts as though nothing has happened. Characterized by complete shock or denial, especially in the face of a sudden loss. This becomes concerning when it goes on for an extended period of time. This does not account for differences in how we grieve and it's important to note that just because you can't tell someone is grieving doesn't mean they aren't.
Did we miss a 'Type'? Leave us a comment.

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Types of Grief: Yes, there's more than one

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This morning I entered the phrase 'Types of Grief' into Google and my search returned a surprising number of results. On the first page of results alone I found 10 different types of grief with 3 subheadings under 'Complicated Grief' and I thought to myself, "what the?!?"

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"How do I tell my child about the death?" This is the most common question we receive at The Dougy Center. Someone has died, leaving parents and other adult caregivers to struggle with finding the right words to say to their children. In this episode, we outline tips for talking with children about a death. Adults can start by attending to their own reactions to the death. Often the thoughts and feelings they experience can impede or enhance having an open, honest, supportive conversation with their children. As an adult, what do you need to sort out with feeling shame, blame, confusion, guilt, or other emotions related to how the person died? How can you keep that as your story and not put it onto your children?

Summary of tips for talking with children:

Tell the truth

Use concrete, age-appropriate language

Allow for questions - in the moment and over time

Be prepared to tell the story over and over, esp to younger kids

Refer to The Dougy Center resources (below)

Know that you are providing children with a safe, trusting foundation from which to experience their grief

Bookstore: http://tdcbookstore.org

Tip sheets: http://www.dougy.org/grief-resources/tip-sheets/

Main site: http://dougy.org

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Tips For Talking With Children About Death

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"How do I tell my child about the death?" This is the most common question we receive at The Dougy Center. Someone has died, leaving parents and other adult caregivers to struggle with finding the right words to say to their children. In this episode, we outline tips for talking with children about a death.

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1. Take care of you -- Exercise, eat well-balanced meals, stick to regular routines and reach out to others for support. These activities might be difficult when you are grieving, but taking care of yourself is still important. Grieving children do better when they have a healthy adult providing support and understanding to them.

2. Be honest with your child -- Discuss the tragic event with your child in a simple, direct and age appropriate manner. Be honest and share clear, accurate information about what happened. Children need to hear the truth from someone they love.

3. Listen -- Listen to your child share his or her story about what happened. Let them ask you questions and answer their questions as best as you can. Do not be afraid to say, “I don’t know.”

4. Acknowledge your child’s grief -- recognize that your child is grieving. Be careful not to impose your grief on your child, but allow him or her to grieve in his or her own way. It is normal for children to feel an array of emotions, including sadness, anger, frustration and fear. It is also normal for children to move in and out of grief reactions, at times being very upset or getting angry easily and at other times playing as if nothing has happened. If you are not sure how grief is impacting your child, spend time with them playing, coloring, drawing or sharing stories. Quite often children will give you clues to their grief through these activities.

5. Share -- Tell your child stories about your own life. Times you were afraid, sad or angry. Tell them how you dealt with these situations and what you learned. Children love to hear stories about the adults in their lives and when those adults were children. Sharing stories helps a child normalize what he or she is experiencing.

6. Be creative -- Give your child a creative outlet to express feelings. This can be done through drawing, writing, doing crafts, listening to music, or playing games.

7. Maintain clear expectations -- Keep rules and boundaries consistent. Children gain security when they know what is expected from them. Children will often use their pain as an excuse for inappropriate behavior. While you should always acknowledge the grief your child is experiencing, you should also teach them to be accountable for their choices, no matter how they feel.

8. Reassure your child -- Remind your child that he or she is loved and that you are there for him or her. Following the death of a person in his or her life, a child's sense of safety can be shaken. Children often fear that you or other people in their life might die. While you cannot promise that you or others will not die, you can let your child know the plan if such an event occurs.

9. Create rituals and new family traditions -- Rituals can give your family tangible ways to acknowledge your grief and honor the memory of those who have died. Lighting candles, recognizing special occasions, sharing stories about those who have died or volunteering with a local charity as a family are some of the ways you can incorporate new traditions or rituals.

10. Be patient -- You and your child are grieving and the most intense parts of grief often take longer than we might want. Grief also changes us in many ways. So, be patient as you and your child experience your grief. Be patient with your child with repetition. A child often has to come back to the same details and questions. Patiently spend time with your child as they (and you) grow, change and continue to construct their (your) life story.
Written by Pamela Gabbay, EdD, FT
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Written by Pamela Gabbay, EdD, FTDownlaod a PDF Version

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Bedtime Stories for Kids || LTB - No Matter What

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Explore Topics - Sesame Street in Communities

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Your care and support can make a huge difference in the life of a young child. Sesame Street is here for you with activities and tips for the challenges and joys along the way.

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The Rabbit Listened | Virtual Read Aloud | Listening | Shon's Stories

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💥Ruby Finds a Worry | Ruby's Worry (Read Aloud books for children) | Emotions

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Dougy Center

The National Grief Center for Children & Families

Dougy Center provides support in a safe place where children, teens, young adults, and families who are grieving can share their experiences before and after a death. We provide support and training locally, nationally, and internationally to individuals and organizations seeking to assist children in grief.

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KinderCare Partnership for the Youngest Grievers | Dougy Center

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Dougy Center partnered with KinderCare to create & distribute educational grief resources for children from birth through preschool age.

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Death and grief are natural parts of the human experience, but addressing such heavy topics with kids can seem daunting.

There are many ways to dive into this conversation, and one powerful approach is through books. Authors of children's books have tackled how to explain death, the emotions that accompany loss, the grieving process and more in age-appropriate ways.

To aid parents in these discussions, we've rounded up 25 children's books that help kids understand death and grief.

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25 Children's Books That Explain Death And Grief To Kids

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These stories help kids understand and process loss.

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The problem with platitudes is there's always this ghost sentence. This second half of the sentence that we don't say out loud but is very, very clearly implied to the grieving person.

So, if you're grieving and I come to you and I say "At least you had them as long as you did," the second half of the sentence there is "... so don't be so sad."

"They would want you to be happy ... so stop feeling so sad."

The grieving person can hear the second half of the sentence even if you don't say it out loud. So a really cool and slightly uncomfortable exercise to do for yourself if you're thinking about things I might say to a grieving friend or family member, if you can add "so don't feel so bad" at the end of what you're thinking of saying, don't say it.

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Speaking Grief | Supporting Grief: What NOT to say

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The problem with platitudes is there's always this ghost sentence. This second half of the sentence that we don't say out loud but is very, very clearly implied to the grieving person. So, if you're grieving and I come to you and I say "At least you had them as long as you did," the second half of the sentence there is "...

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Teenage Grief Sucks | Teens Talking About Grief

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Teenage Grief Sucks is a teen-run website that’s opening up conversations about grief. Read stories written by teens and share your own.

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When grief hits a family, children often become the focus - how to talk to them about death, how to recognize if they are grieving 'normally', how to create open communication and dialogue. etc. When we ask adults what they need in their grief often their first response is what they need for their children. We have number of articles on WYG offering this type of support. We have posts on the impact of age on understanding , on grief journals and workbooks for kid s, on the risks of using euphemisms , on art activities for grieving kids , on art activities for grieving kids and adults , on talking to kids about suicide , an activity book for kids after a suicide , on holiday activities for kid s, and more holiday activities for kids. We also have an article reminding you why it is important to take care of yourself in order to better care for the children in your life. But one thing that we don't have is a list of kids books about death and grief, despite the fact that we get asked about this fairly often.

We have talked about journal, activity and workbooks for kids , but sometimes a story is the best way to open a dialogue. Often reading a story can help kids know they are not alone and normalize what they are experiencing. It can offer a safe way to open a dialogue with children about death and grief, in groups, as a family, or one-on-one. So today, here it is! We have a list of 64 children's books about grief. As with all of our '64 things' lists, we know this is not an exhaustive list. Please add your favorites in the comments. The books are primarily for the 10 and under crowd but, rest assured, a list of 64 Young Adult novels about grief is on the horizon.

1. Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children (kids 5+)

2. The Invisible String (kids 3+)

3. Everett Anderson's Goodbye (Reading Rainbow) (kids 5-8)

4. The Tenth Good Thing About Barney (kids 6-9)

5. I'll Always Love You (kids 3-7)

6. When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death (Dino Life Guides for Families) (kids 4-8)

7. I Miss You: A First Look at Death (First Look at Books) (kids 4+)

8. The Saddest Time (kids 6-9)

9. Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Loss (kids 8+)

10. The Fall of Freddie the Leaf: A Story of Life for All Ages (kids 4+)

11. Gentle Willow: A Story for Children About Dying (kids 4+)

12. Where Are You? A Child's Book About Loss (kids 4-8)

13. Samantha Jane's Missing Smile: A Story About Coping With the Loss of a Parent (kids 5+)

14. The Scar (kids5-9)

15. A Terrible Thing Happened (kids 4+)

16. The Elephant in the Room: A Childrens Book for Grief and Loss (kids 4+)

17. The Boy Who Didn't Want to Be Sad (kids 4+)

18. I Wish I Could Hold Your Hand...: A Child's Guide to Grief and Loss (Little Imp Books) (kids 9+)

19. Water Bugs and Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children (kids 4+)

20. When Your Grandparent Dies: A Child's Guide to Good Grief (Elf-Help Books for Kids) (kids 5+)

21. Someone I Love Died (kids 4-8)

22. What Happened When Grandma Died? (kids 4+)

23. Always and Forever (kids 4+)

24. Badger's Parting Gifts (kids 4-8)

25. Ghost Wings (kids 5+)

26. Finding Grandpa Everywhere: A Young Child Discovers Memories of a Grandparent (kids 7+)

27. The Grandpa Tree (kids 3+)

28. Sad Isn't Bad: A Good-Grief Guidebook for Kids Dealing with Loss (Elf-Help Books for Kids) (kids 6+)

29. Nana Upstairs and Nana Downstairs (Picture Puffins) (kids 4-8)

30. Daddy, Up and Down: Sisters Grieve the Loss of Their Daddy (kids 4-8)

31. Saying Goodbye to Daddy (kids 4+)

32. The Angel with the Golden Glow: A Family's Journey Through Loss and Healing (kids 4+)

33. Where's Jess: For Children Who Have a Brother or Sister Die (kids 3-6)

34. A Taste of Blackberries (kids 8-12)

35. Bridge to Terabithia (kids 8-12)

36. My Grandson Lew (kids 4-6)

37. Aarvy Aardvark Finds Hope: A Read Aloud Story for People of All Ages About Loving and Losing, Friendship and Hope (as the title says, people of all ages!)

38. The Empty Place: A Child's Guide Through Grief (Let's Talk) (kids 5-10)

39. Dancing on the Moon (kids 3+)

40. Lost and Found: Remembering a Sister (kids 6+)

41. Stacy Had a Little Sister (A Concept Book) (kids 4+)

42. Ragtail Remembers: A Story That Helps Children Understand Feelings of Grief (kids 4+)

43. Goodbye Mousie (kids 4-8)

44. Remembering Crystal (kids 3+)

45. Rudi's Pond (kids 5-8)

46. The Memory String (kids 4-8)

47. Sammy in the Sky (kids 4-8)

48. Where Do People Go When They Die? (kids 3-8)

49. Chester Raccoon and the Acorn Full of Memories (kids 3-8)

50. Her Mother's Face (kids 4-8)

51. Remembering Mama (kids 4+)

52. Old Pig (Picture Puffin) (kids 3-8)

53. Pearl's Marigolds for Grandpa (kids 3-7)

54. Saying Goodbye to Lulu (kids 3-6)

55. The Mountains of Tibet (kids 7+)

56. Rabbityness (kids 3-7)

57. I Wish I Could Hold Your Hand...: A Child's Guide to Grief and Loss (Little Imp Books) (kids 9+)

58. Can You Hear Me Smiling?: A Child Grieves a Sister (kids 8+)

59. The Copper Tree (kids 5-8)

60. Everybody Feels Sad (kids 4+)

61. Grief is Like a Snowflake (kids 4+)

62. My Baby Big Sister: A Book for Children Born Subsequent to a Pregnancy Loss (kids 4-8)

63. Ladder to the Moon (kids 4-8)

64. Missing Mommy: A Book About Bereavement (kids 3-8).
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64 Children's Books About Death and Grief - Whats your Grief

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When grief hits a family, children often become the focus - how to talk to them about death, how to recognize if they are grieving 'normally', how to create open communication and dialogue. etc. When we ask adults what they need in their grief often their first response [...]

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💥Ruby Finds a Worry | Ruby's Worry (Read Aloud books for children) | Emotions

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Grief Resources (English & Spanish) from New York Life

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Grief Resources (English & Spanish) from New York Life

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COVID-19 bereavement resources:

Power of Parenting: addressing fears and feelings from prior losses.
Resources and responses for families who may be experiencing heightened feelings from a prior loss due to the pandemic.

Ask the expert: Living through COVID-19.
A fireside chat about communicating with children regarding the coronavirus between Heather Nesle, president of the New York Life Foundation and Donna Gaffney a consultant to the New York Life Foundation.

Care-giving amidst coronavirus: How do we support our children during a pandemic?
Q&A between Heather Nesle, president of the New York Life Foundation and Dr. Julie Kaplow, founder of the SAMHSA-funded Trauma and Grief. Center.

COVID-19 Resources for School Communities
Developed by the National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement in partnership with the Coalition to Support Grieving Students, which was founded by The New York Life Foundation among others.
Coping with Change & Loss
In support of children, teens, & families, this booklet was developed by one of the Foundation's national partners, the National Alliance for Grieving Children. ( English version) ( Spanish version)

Other COVID related content:

How to monitor the media diet our families will consume in the weeks to come.

Twelve tips

Coping with the coronavirus pandemic from one of the Foundation's partners, Tom Demaria of the National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement.

Support and resources

How to support bereaved children over the holidays

National Alliance for Grieving Children: Hero Toolkit in support of Grieving Children and Teens

This free toolkit developed for Children, teens and their support network, provides activities and conversations designed to empower each of us to become everyday 'heroes'.

After a Loved One Dies - How Children Grieve and Adults Can Support Them
Click here for the Spanish version
This booklet explains how children grieve and how parents and other caring adults can help them understand death better. It can also help parents and adults who are part of the lives of children who have experienced a loss know what to expect and how to help.

National organizations:

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Bereavement Resources | New York Life Foundation

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Discover all of the bereavement resources that New York Life provides to help anyone grieving get through difficult times.

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Segment Transcript

IRA FLATOW: This is Science Friday. I'm Ira Flatow. Being a human can be a wonderful thing. We're social creatures. We crave strong bonds with family and friends.

Those relationships can be the most rewarding part of life, but having strong relationships also means experiencing loss. Grief is one of the hardest things we go through in life. If you've lost a loved one, you know that feeling. It can be an overwhelming sadness and heartache that reaches deeply into the very core of your being.

To understand why we feel the way we do when we grieve, the logical place to turn to is our brain. A new book explores the neuroscience angle to this profound human experience. The author is my guest, Mary-Frances O'Connor, PhD, author of The Grieving Brain, based in Tucson, Arizona. Welcome to Science Friday.

MARY-FRANCES O'CONNOR: It's so nice to be here, Ira.

IRA FLATOW: It's so nice to have you. Let's start with some of the wordplay here, if I might. I'm inclined to use the words "grief" and "grieving" interchangeably, but they're actually different experiences, correct?

MARY-FRANCES O'CONNOR: That's right. I have found this to be really helpful in studying grief and grieving. Grief is that wave that just knocks you off your feet, where grieving is how the feeling of grief changes over time without ever going away.

So what I mean by that is that grief is a natural response to loss. And if I open a drawer, I come across a- my mom's signature, say, for example, 20 years after she's died, I may still dissolve into tears on that day. And yet I know that that feeling of grief is maybe more familiar. And so it's not the same as it was 20 years earlier. But if we're expecting that we're not going to feel grief anymore, we may start to wonder if we're actually getting any better, or if we're adapting the way people are expecting us to.

IRA FLATOW: You said when you study grief. How long have you been studying grief? And what do you mean by studying grief?

MARY-FRANCES O'CONNOR: I have been studying grief for a good 22 years now. I started in graduate school, because fMRI technology was brand new back then, and I was absolutely intrigued. So after my dissertation, we brought people back and put them in the neuro-imaging scanner for the very first study of grief from a neuroscience perspective.

IRA FLATOW: So this was groundbreaking stuff then.

MARY-FRANCES O'CONNOR: Yes. The American Journal of Psychiatry thought it was, at least.

IRA FLATOW: Well, when you put them in the scanner, what do you ask of them?

MARY-FRANCES O'CONNOR: We really struggled with, you know, how do you evoke something as deeply intense and personal as grief in such sterile, sort of hospital-like environment? And what we came up with was what people do pretty naturally. If they're going to tell you about someone who has been the love of their life, they often open a photo album and show you photos.

And so we scanned photos individuals brought us and took words from the stories they told us about their loss, and projected those onto goggles that people were wearing in the scanner. So we literally had images of what their brain was reacting to when they were each looking at individual photos of their loved lost one, which was a little unusual at the time. Usually, we'd try to have standardized stimuli across everyone. But it is such a personal experience, that felt important.

IRA FLATOW: Please, can you share with us what you've learned? Tell us what is going on in the brain when you look at those pictures, or when we lose a loved one.

MARY-FRANCES O'CONNOR: You know, one of the things we realized is that grief is really complex. So it actually involves a bunch of different things that the brain is doing all at the same time. And those include things you might expect, like memory and even things like being able to take someone else's perspective. So encoding of sort of the self and the other. But other things as well, even things like regulating our heart rate and so forth.

IRA FLATOW: You've just described how you show pictures to people who are getting their brain scan. And that must dredge up memories, correct? What's going on in their brain about these memories?

MARY-FRANCES O'CONNOR: Well, one of the interesting things is the brain is very complex. And we can actually be using two streams of information at the same time. So you're absolutely right. One aspect is memory. We're thinking about times we spent with the loved one, maybe even seeing the loved one decline over time or being there when they passed away or getting that phone call to tell us that they have died.

But interestingly, we also have to think about the bond. So in the human brain, there is a bond created when we come to be a parent, or we become a spouse. That bond is very strong and comes along with some beliefs. And one of these beliefs we have is, that person is going to be there for us. No matter what, that person is there.

What that leads to is these two streams of information. On the one hand, you know that they're gone. But on the other hand, it sort of feels like they're going to walk through the door again. And so that can be very confusing for people. I think it takes a long time for the brain to be able to predict, no, I'm not really going to see this person again, and all the emotions and what that means that comes along with it.

IRA FLATOW: So does that mean that in the brain, the brain cells have to physically rewire themselves for the new reality?

MARY-FRANCES O'CONNOR: That's exactly right. So even in simple things, say in a mouse, if you put him in a box every day and he sees some blue LEGO item, after a number of days, if you take the LEGO out, and you put him back in the box, there is still a ghost trace of that block. Because the rat is expecting it, there are neurons that fire when he is in the area where that block should be. Now, this persists for a number of days, but imagine, for a life that is so intersected with another person- everything we do and think and plan is involved with this other person- the brain literally has to create new wiring to understand what's happening.

IRA FLATOW: And that takes time.

MARY-FRANCES O'CONNOR: It does take time. It turns out that time is one of the most important things. But actually, experience is another important thing. Something we sometimes see is that people have a lot of difficulty with grief and start avoiding situations or conversations or even people that remind them of the loved one because it's quite painful. But it turns out that kind of avoiding doesn't give our brain a chance to learn the new reality.

IRA FLATOW: Yeah. Grief can feel like such a physical event.

MARY-FRANCES O'CONNOR: Yeah.

IRA FLATOW: Can't it?

MARY-FRANCES O'CONNOR: It really can. I think it is a physical event, in part because it's physically happening in your brain. Usually when we say that, of course, we're referring to the bodily feelings.

But really, those changes- for example, some work by Zoe Donaldson at University of Colorado Boulder shows that there are specific neurons in rodents that pair bond- some of you will have heard of them- called voles. There are specific neurons that are activated just when that vole is approaching their one and only. And the number of neurons increases as that bond gets stronger. And so if you think about, then, all the things that have to happen in order to be able to predict this person isn't going to be back and understand what that means, it's pretty complicated, and really is a physical process.

IRA FLATOW: Yeah. Yeah, you talk in your book, also, about how grief can actually cause physical ailments.

MARY-FRANCES O'CONNOR: Well, the term "the broken heart phenomenon" is something we think of as a metaphor, or we think about that in terms of sort of a poetic way to put what we're feeling. But we actually know from epidemiological research that it is true that when a person has lost their spouse, their own risk of mortality goes up. For men, it goes up twice as high than their married counterpart for the first six months. And it goes up in women as well, not quite as high.

And so we know that that connection is a lot about physiological regulation. Being with our loved ones is extremely rewarding, and it feels safe. And so our physiology really has to live in what feels like an unsafe world for a while, and try and figure out how to come back to homeostasis.

IRA FLATOW: Yeah, because we know that losing a loved one can be very traumatic.

MARY-FRANCES O'CONNOR: Yes.

IRA FLATOW: Do trauma and grief overlap?

MARY-FRANCES O'CONNOR: We used to think that grief and depression were the same thing. And sometimes we even thought grief and PTSD might be the same thing, depending on how the loved one died. But some work by Richard Bryant at the University of New South Wales in Australia did neuro-imaging scans of people who had a severe form of grieving, and it actually looked different from PTSD and from major depressive disorder in the brain, recruiting different parts of the brain, recruiting the orbitofrontal cortex when people who had this severe grief looked at pictures of people with sad faces. So knowing that there are some biological differences, or neurobiological differences, really reinforces what we see clinically, that PTSD and grief- they are different.

IRA FLATOW: That is interesting. You say in your book that many people who lose a loved one turn to religion to help them understand what has happened and where their loved one may have gone. Is there science that backs up this connection?

MARY-FRANCES O'CONNOR: I think, you know, as a neuroscientist, it isn't so much that I'm trying to figure out if religious beliefs are true, but rather, what does it do for us if we have religious beliefs? So on the one hand, we know often being a religious person comes along with having a religious community. And we know social support is really important. And we can see that in studies.

The other thing that sometimes happens for folks, though, is that they get into a lot of concerns about guilt, sometimes even feeling that they are being punished for what has happened. And this can be really problematic for people in trying to understand the meaning of what they're going through.

IRA FLATOW: We have to take a break, but when we come back, more about how our brain processes grief with author Mary-Frances O'Connor.

This is Science Friday. I'm Ira Flatow. A brief programming note- the spring season of the Science Friday Book Club is about to begin. Starting February 25, we're reading Sarah Stewart Johnson's The Sirens of Mars. It's all about the search for life on the Red Planet. If you want to read with us, go to sciencefriday.com/bookclub. You can sign up for our newsletter, join our community space, and even read an excerpt of the book. That's sciencefriday.com/bookclub.

If you're just joining us, I'm speaking with author and neuroscientist Mary-Frances O'Connor about how our brains process grief. Her new book, The Grieving Brain, is out now. Are there medications designed to alleviate or help people cope with grief?

MARY-FRANCES O'CONNOR: This is a very important question. And I would say that at this point, we do not have medications. In fact, one of the things that we know is that, as I said before, major depressive disorder and even severe forms of grieving are different things. This was really neatly, sort of elegantly, explored in a study by Kathy Shear at Columbia University, where they did treatment for a severe type of grieving called prolonged grief disorder. And they also looked to see if they had major depressive disorder.

So in one case, they were given just psychotherapy targeted for grief. And then they were either given an antidepressant or not given an antidepressant. What they discovered was antidepressants were very helpful if the person had comorbid depression. We saw their depressive symptoms remit. But the antidepressant did not actually have an impact on those feelings of yearning and wishing that the person was back. That type of emotional pain was not actually helped by the antidepressant. And that was very helpful, again, in helping us distinguish between these difficult experiences.

IRA FLATOW: Do you suspect, though, that when someone is grieving, and it's quite obvious how much they're suffering, that somebody- a psychiatrist or their physician- may prescribe an antidepressant just to give them something when they don't actually need it?

MARY-FRANCES O'CONNOR: This is a bit of a challenge. I think there hasn't been a lot of education in medical schools- frankly, in psychology training, either- about grief. It really is in its infancy. And so often, because, just as you say, doctors are empathic- they see this person, they want to give them something- sometimes they will prescribe an antidepressant, even sometimes when the patient says, I don't really feel depressed.

But the other problem is that a lot of people who are grieving have difficulty sleeping. And so a doctor will often prescribe a sleep medication. What we know about that is the difficulty sleeping that comes with bereavement is a temporary situation. It is incredibly difficult, but it is also temporary.

And those sleep medications tend not to work well in the long run. And yet people tend to stay on them, sometimes because coming off of them is difficult. So it's more important to think about, for example, cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia, what we call CBTI, which is a way of thinking about supporting the natural sleep cycle through behavioral means and enabling that person to get back into a rhythm naturally so that in the long term, they don't have these sleep difficulties.

IRA FLATOW: Now, your book was written pre-COVID, but it's very timely for right now, I would imagine. So how much grief is happening in the world because of this virus? I mean, has this pandemic changed how you look at grief in some ways?

MARY-FRANCES O'CONNOR: It has in some ways. I think there's been a lot of discussion about grief. But what we know from evidence in the United States, some modeling done by some sociologists demonstrated that for every person who has died, there are about nine loved ones who remain, who are survivors. So if you think about, we're getting close to a million people who have died of COVID, that's 9 million people who are acutely grieving. And-

IRA FLATOW: And that's just in our country.

MARY-FRANCES O'CONNOR: And that's just in our country. So one of the difficulties is just understanding what it means to have such a large number of people, but also, who are all going through it at the same time. Usually, when we're losing a loved one, we have people around us who aren't going through that experience that we can kind of lean on. And now we have a pretty unusual situation where, I mean, let's face it, we're dealing with a lot of types of grief, but even if we focused only on bereavement, we're dealing with a lot of deaths.

And for me, it isn't just, what does that grief feel like, or how many people have it? But as a grief researcher, my interest is partly in, why might the pandemic circumstances be harder for people who are grieving? And the thing I said before about, the brain relies on this stream of information where we've maybe seen the person decline, we may have been there at the bedside when they passed away, we went to a funeral or a memorial service- many of those circumstances have really changed because of social distancing.

And so as I'm doing research right now, I'm talking with people who- you know, the 70-year-old woman who dropped off her fairly healthy husband who had a cough at the ER, and was having some trouble breathing, and then, because we're not allowed to be in the hospital with them, the next thing she knew, he was actually- she was being told that he had died. And that's a very unusual circumstance, for us not to be present. People who have loved ones in long-term care experience this as well. And I think the problem is that it doesn't give our brain a chance to understand what's happening as we're going through the experience.

IRA FLATOW: Yes. That, I'm sure, has happened many times, unfortunately. And as you say, we're experiencing what feels like a group grief event with COVID. Do you think this might change us as a species?

MARY-FRANCES O'CONNOR: It's an interesting question. Certainly, in the sense of a species, grief is such a universal experience. And even pandemics, right, mass casualties- we certainly, as a species, have faced difficult situations before. And we can look to some of those for important ways that people have coped.

I think it's unusual in a cultural way. Part of what we sometimes forget is that bereavement is a health disparity, right? So 65% of all the children experiencing COVID-associated loss of a caregiver are of a racial or ethnic minority.

And this has always actually been true. Black Americans become widowed at much younger ages. Work by Debra Umberson down at UT Austin showed that between the ages of 65 and 74, 25% of Black Americans are widowed compared with only 15% of white Americans. And so bereavement isn't affecting everyone equally. If we're thinking at a kind of public health level, we have to really make sure that the response is targeted in the way that it will do the most help.

IRA FLATOW: If there are people who are listening and who are grieving, what do you recommend they do to lessen the pain or help them move on or find help?

MARY-FRANCES O'CONNOR: This is a very challenging time for people. I think it's confusing. The grief experience is not often what people are expecting. There's a lot of anger, often, or just the intrusive thoughts. You can't sort of stop thinking about it.

Much of that is actually pretty normal. And people often have the desire to talk about their experience, to try to put into words what it means to know that you're not going to retire with this person that you had planned to do that forever. So I actually recommend reaching out and talking with the people around you, especially people who may have had their own grief experience. Often, there's a level of empathy there that- it can be more difficult for people who don't have the same lived experience. So reaching out and talking with people.

And also, if people are experiencing things like feeling life isn't worth living, or feeling they can't get through the day without drinking a large amount of alcohol, these are really signs that it is important to reach out for professional help, as well, because this is a temporary situation. And although it doesn't feel like it in the moment, it will change over time. And we want to support a person who's in that immediate part of grieving in order to help them get onto that sort of healing grieving trajectory.

IRA FLATOW: You know, the news is filled almost every day with someone else suffering a violent death, whether it's from gunshots, whether it's from murders, whatever. Is there a special kind of grief that these people, the relatives and the loved ones of these people, go through that needs a special kind of treatment or counseling?

MARY-FRANCES O'CONNOR: We sometimes refer to this as traumatic grief, meaning that the situation itself that led to the death was a traumatic situation. And we know that violent deaths and unexpected deaths can be more problematic as people are trying to understand what has happened and what it means for their life. Often, people who've experienced a traumatic death experience more grief symptoms.

But often, also, it comes with other things as well. Sometimes there is what we might call survivor's guilt. So depending on what the situation was, the sort of question to oneself of, why did I live when this other person did not? And that can be complicating as you're trying to come to terms with what has happened and then learn how to sort of restore a meaningful life.

IRA FLATOW: What research would you like to see on grief and grieving in the future? And if I gave you- I'm going to give you the SciFri blank check question. Maybe you've heard it before. If I had a blank check, which I don't have it, to give you for spending on buying anything you'd like, on the kind of research you'd like to see done that hasn't been done, how would you spend it?

MARY-FRANCES O'CONNOR: You know, I think there are even some really basic questions that we don't know. One is that we have a number of studies now on grief, that single snapshot in time across a number of people. What we don't have a lot of research on is actually grieving, so looking at the same person, putting the same person in the MRI scanner numerous times across that changing experience and seeing, what does it look like in the brain when people are coming to terms with what has happened, restoring a meaningful life?

And the second question I would want to know at the same time- we don't actually know if people who are psychologically having a lot of difficulty adjusting are the same people who are having a lot of difficulty medically adjusting. So we don't actually know yet- because these tend to be different groups of people studying them- we don't actually know if the changes physiologically are related to the changes in the brain and in the mind. And so I'd love to see more integrated work over time with people.

IRA FLATOW: When you say medically adjusting, what do you mean by that?

MARY-FRANCES O'CONNOR: Well, this gets a little bit back to what I was saying about the broken heart phenomenon earlier. What we know is that acutely- and this is true even in animal pair bonds. Some work by Oliver Bosch at University of Regensburg in Germany has shown that when a bond is formed, it's almost like cocking a gun, so that as soon as there is separation, cortisol goes up, or the animal version of cortisol. Cortisol goes up in humans upon separation and remains high.

So think about that moment when you lose your kid in the mall, and you can't find them- that utter panic, right? Or think about when a husband even goes on a trip out of town, and you feel awful, right? As soon as that separation happens, we know there are these physiological changes.

And we're still really trying to understand, in human beings, for whom do those changes happen most? Is that related to how they feel emotionally? And then, are there things that we can do to help sort of support the body as it deals with this stress hormone imbalance in order to improve their experience and even improve their medical situation in that initial period of grief?

IRA FLATOW: Talking with Mary-Frances O'Connor, PhD, author of The Grieving Brain, on Science Friday from WNYC Studios. You told me earlier that you've been studying grief for over 20 years. Does it get to you, studying grief?

MARY-FRANCES O'CONNOR: This is a really common question for me. You know, I teach an undergraduate Psychology of Death and Loss course, so 150 undergrads who say the word "death" probably more in that 14 weeks than they ever have in their life. And they often say to me, you know, I feel like you're too happy to be teaching this class.

And I tell them the thing for me is, the reason I'm happy is because I really understand the suffering. And so I have found a way in my own life, from the death of my mother when I was in my mid-20s and then the death of my father not so many years ago. I know what that suffering is like. And for me, it has helped me to find a lot of meaning in life, to know that working with that one student to help them understand something is really rewarding because this is all the time we got.

So I think the surprising thing is, for people who have found meaning, it can be very powerful. And that is sort of an unexpected side to grieving.

IRA FLATOW: Well, that's about all the time we've got. Mary-Frances, thank you for taking time to be with us and for this terrific book that you've written.

MARY-FRANCES O'CONNOR: Thank you so much, Ira, for bringing this conversation to the radio.

IRA FLATOW: Mary-Frances O'Connor, author of The Grieving Brain. She's based in Tucson. And if you're interested in learning more about this topic, you can read an excerpt from the book on our website, sciencefriday.com/grievingbrain.
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Segment Transcript IRA FLATOW: This is Science Friday. I'm Ira Flatow. Being a human can be a wonderful thing. We're social creatures. We crave strong bonds with family and friends. Those relationships can be the most rewarding part of life, but having strong relationships also means experiencing loss.

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As mental health professionals who have experienced significant losses ourselves, we know individual grief is unique and there is no "right" way to cope. Our goal is to create a community that provides hope, support, and education to anyone wishing to understand the complicated experience of life after loss.

What's Your Grief offers online and in-person continuing education training for grief support professionals. Using an accessible approach and a combination of practical and creative tools, we strive to help participants utilize relevant and useful theories, tools, and techniques in their work with people grieving a wide range of losses.

We post a new article to What's Your Grief about once a week. Subscribe to stay up to date on all our posts.

What's Your Grief does not receive funding or grants to help our operational costs. If you've ever benefited from this community and would like to help us continue our work, please consider donating. We're a program of Fusion Partnerships, Inc., a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization. You can make a one-time or monthly donation in support of What's Your Grief. You also may give in memory of a loved one.

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Whats your Grief - A Grief Website for the Rest of Us

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As mental health professionals who have experienced significant losses ourselves, we know individual grief is unique and there is no "right" way to cope. Our goal is to create a community that provides hope, support, and education to anyone wishing to understand the complicated experience of life after loss.

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Pre-School (under topic select pre-school)

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Pre-School (under topic select pre-school)

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These resources were created as a tool for those supporting a child that is grieving, and we encourage you to use and share them freely. If you are seeking direct support, please visit our Find Support page.

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These resources were created as a tool for those supporting a child that is grieving, and we encourage you to use and share them freely. If you are seeking direct support, please visit our Find Support page.

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There is no question that one of the most common concerns we hear from grieving parents is how to support grieving children and teens. We have posted in the past about some things to expect from kids grieving at different ages , as well as several posts on activities for grieving kids . One of the big questions we get is about what good books are out there to help grieving kids. This is a humongous topic because there are so many types of books for kids of all ages. It is hard to know where to start!

We reviewed a while back an activity book for kids who have lost someone to suicide and got great feedback on the post. So today we are going to take a look at some other grief activity books that are out there. We will keep these posts coming more regularly, because there are just far too many books out there to cover in just a post or two. Please let us know by way of a comment if there is a kids activity book or journal that you love, have wondered about, or just generally think we should include in an upcoming post. As you may know already, I have a book buying problem, so I am always excited to add a new book to my unreasonably huge grief book collection and will make sure to talk about it here in a future post.

As I looked at my colossal stack of children's journals and activity books, I decided the best way to tackle this is starting with books for really little guys. Grieving kids of all ages present unique challenges, and when we talk about younger children a big challenge is that they don't have the words to express their emotions. Many of the activity books you will find for younger kids will really focus on understanding and labeling different emotions. These activity books help kids feel the permission they need to grieve.

Another challenge in supporting kids of this age is that they do not understand the finality of death. You may be expecting that these books will address understanding death and its finality. There are many story books out there that allow parents away to talk about death with young kids, but you will find the goal of some of these activity books is to help kids with their emotions, rather than helping them understanding the finality of death. This is not true of all activity books, but is something to be aware of in deciding if a book is right for you and your child.

Ages: This book is for kids 3-9.

Summary: As a coloring book, most pages help kids identify and label feelings. A few pages ask kids questions and ask kids to identify why they feel certain emotions ("sometimes I feel scared because . . ."). The book has pictures of different young children, boys and girls, who have lost someone and identifies different emotions they are feeling. The book covers having no feeling at all, feeling scared, feeling mad/angry, not being able to control emotions, feeling different from other kids, feeling alone, feeling okay and happy, feeling hurt, and feeling sad. The book then helps kids feel comfortable expressing their emotions and talking about the person who died. It encourages kids to talk about how they feel, share their true feelings and not keep emotions inside, and reminds them that it is okay to cry and also that it is okay to be happy, laugh, and play.

Comments: This is a great book to get kids started talking about grief and emotions. As primarily a coloring book, it is non-threatening and can be eased into. This book can't be purchased on Amazon (Say what?! There are still books you can't purchase on Amazon?!). You can pick this book up on Alan Wolfelt's website .

Ages: This book is for children 6-12 (though Amazon says 9-12, all other sources say 6-12. My experience with the book is that it is appropriate for kids as young as 6 with adult support and selection of appropriate pages/activities).

Summary: This has six objectives that are clearly laid out in the beginning of the book, showing which pages are associated with each objective. The author also includes "Additional Reading" for each objective. This is great if you find you child is struggling with a certain area, or really likes a certain section, as it offers guidance of what other books might be worth purchasing. The six objections of the book are change is a part of life, dead is the end of living, living means feeling, feeling better, sharing memories, and I am special too.

The section on change explains change, then includes an activity asking the child to draw themselves as a baby, now, and "very old". It introduces that dead is the end of living, then asks kids to draw something that causes people to die. It stresses that people don't die because of anything another person thinks or says, an important point for young kids who may be experiencing "magical thinking" where they worry their thoughts and wishes can cause things to happen. This section ends with a place for a photo of the person who died.

The next section, as expected by its name, introduces that death is the end of living and that a person can never come back after they die. This talks about a "spirit or soul" that leaves the body and talks about different beliefs people have - that the spirit goes to heave, that it takes a new form, or that it becomes part of the people they loved. It asks kids to draw what they think, and also write what they wonder about. This section on the spirit may be more abstract and challenging for younger children.

The next section addresses emotions and asks kids to draw faces of different emotions, then to draw emotions that people sometimes try to hide and the "masks" they use to hide them. It goes over different feelings and asks kids to color a body where emotions hurt. This then ask kids to draw things that make them sad, angry, frightened, and things they worry about.

The fourth section encourages kids to identify things they like about themselves, draw something they are good at, and reminds them that everyone is good at something.

The fifth section about memories and comfort asks kids to draw what they remember about learning about the death, draw how they like to be comforted, and draw or write an "if only". It asks kids to draw or write their favorite memory and something they learned from the person.

The last section helps kids identify all the people in their lives who love and care about them. It asks them to list or draw family, friends, neighbors, and other people who are in their "caring circle". It asks kids to draw someone (or something) they can always talk to, and end reminding kids they can still have fun and be happy.

Comments: This is a long book that offers activities on a wide range of topics, including understanding death, labelling emotions, giving permission to grieve, identifying emotions, and finding coping skills. It is very comprehensive, but younger kids may need to tackle it in pieces, with the support of an adult. Overall this is a great book!

Ages: 6-12

Summary: You will be not surprised to know this book is similar to the book above, but could be used for many types of "terrible" things (death, natural disaster, house fire, severe car accident, illness, etc). There is a lot of overlap with the book above on emotions, change, and recognizing strength and support. What this book does not have is an emphasis specifically on understanding death, discussing the soul/spirit, and remembering a specific person. What it does have is more information on painful memories and more development of feelings of anger and fear.

This book also has six objectives, with supplemental readings. The six objectives are 1) sudden change and loss, 2) grief: a natural reaction to loss, 3) learning about feelings, 4) drawing out difficult feelings, 5) soothing painful memories, and 6) growing stronger.

Comments: This is a great book for exploring emotions, especially those that come with trauma. It discusses bad dreams, fear, anger, and shock. Just as the book above, it covers labelling emotions, giving permission to grieve, identifying emotions, and finding coping skills. It is very comprehensive, but younger kids may need to tackle it in pieces, with the support of an adult.

Deciding Between When Something Terrible Happens and When Someone Very Special Dies: If you are deciding between these two books you may wish to consider your goals for a book and the nature of the death. If one of your goals is helping a child understand death and the finality of death, When Someone Very Special Dies is going to be the better choice, as it addresses this directly. If the death was very sudden and unexpected and/or your child experienced exposure to the death that may have been traumatic, such as witnessing an accident you may wish to start with When Something Very Terrible Happens.

The Grief Bubble by Kerry DeBay ATR-BC, LMHC, CTS

Ages: 6 and older

Summary: This is an interactive activity book with a goal of helping kids "understand what grief is and to recognize their grief." The book describes life being normal until the worst thing happens - someone special dies. In basic line drawings it shows that normal life is no longer normal. The book ask kids to draw or list new thoughts or questions or memories they have since someone special died. It asks kids to draw new feelings they feel, identify pain in their body, and draw things they are doing differently. Kids are the introduced to the idea that all these changes - in your head, heart, and body- are grief. The next page asks kids to draw a picture of their grief, and gives them some prompts for drawing. The book then shows, again with simple line and bubble drawings, that there will eventually be a NEW normal life. Kids are prompted to draw a time when everything was okay and then draw what they would like their new normal life to look like. The book ends with quotes from other kids about what grief is and gives a spot for the child to fill in their own definition of grief. It then gives a few quotes from other kids of things that help and asks kids to list 5 things that help them.

Comments: This book is a great way for kids to understand what adults mean when they say the word "grief". As the author says, it is "such a little word for such big stuff!". This book is more basic than Heegaard's books, but may be a great introduction before diving in to those books. This book does ask kids to think about their feelings, but does not specifically prompt kids by listing specific feelings they may be experiencing. If your child is younger and is still struggling with identifying and labelling emotions you may wish to start them with Wolfelt's How I Feel before moving on to this book.

For more resources for grieving children and teens, check out this section of our blog.
Again, please leave a comment with kid's activity books and journals you like! Next installment in this series will look at activity books and journals for kids who are just a little bit older. Don't miss it - Subscribe to get our posts by email and follow us on social media.

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Grief Activity Books for Kids 3-9 - Whats your Grief

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There is no question that one of the most common concerns we hear from grieving parents is how to support grieving children and teens. We have posted in the past about some things to expect from kids grieving at different ages , as well as several posts on activities for grieving kids .

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Become a Grief Sensitive School Receive $500 grant

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Become a Grief Sensitive School Receive $500 grant