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Wake up at 6:30

Brush teeth and eat breakfast

Pick up Sarah and Ryan

Arrive at Raging Waters

Standing at the top of the halfpipe

Racing down the half pipe backwards

Falling off the half pipe.

Identify the action in this sequence. In 10 minutes, generate an intriguing way to engage your audience.

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"Wait, I change my mind" Lachlan bellowed! His eyes glared at the instructor. Eyes locked, fist clenched. His destiny sealed with the instructors chuckle.

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My heart jumped out of my chest as I saw the massive wave of people waiting in line. My legs turned to jelly as what felt like hours passed. Now it was my turn. Now I am so ready!

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I wonder if you can focus on the drama like what happens in slow motion.

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I wonder if you can exclude unnecessary details?

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I wonder if you can include metaphors, similies and descriptive language to strengthen your hook.

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"i can't do this!" lachlan screamed, "let me out!" he shouted as he started banging the door against his fist. "one, two..." the instructor said calmly "three" "my chest was pounding i saw the floor creak i jumped and before i know it i'm going down HEAD FIRST!"

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Lachlan's Day - Brush Teeth and Eat Breakfast

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Lachlan's Day - Brush Teeth and Eat Breakfast

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A swirl of mint and milk filled Lachlan' mouth "EWWWWW" he screamed. "Thats so grosssss, I am never doing that again, lesson learned". Lachlan went to his bag and grabbed his water bottle, he decided to rinse his mouth out before he had the chance to through up. He couldn't get the flavour abomination out of his mouth so he had to brush his teeth once again.

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Lachlans body filled with fear as he got closer and closer. Screams rang through his ears that's when a voice called "your up" .  Lachlan was regretting his decision is this dangerous will i survive he thought to himself. Aaaggghh he began to fall at the speed of light vomit began to swirl in his stomach oh oh he said to himself.

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As the Life guard instructed us to push the donut onto the Bombora, we all tensed up not ready for the moment. We shouted as loud as a car honking in morning traffic. Then "boom" we had reached steepest slope in the whole of raging waters! "AAAAAAAAAHHH!!!" We all screamed at the top of our lungs.

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the slide is so tall that my heart started to race like as if it was going to pop,i was so nervous that i was going to fall off the ride "wait! no i don't want to go down!" i begged to my friend "come on don't be such s chicken its just a slide what could possibly go wrong?" he said "yeah...what could possibly go wrong...." i said trembling with fear

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Stop!
Don't go! You're going to get yourself hurt! yelled Katherine's mum! As the instructor yelled! 3 2. 1! As she went down the rocket! Her heart was about to leave her soul.

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Wait don't! As Katie looked straight at the at the life guard.She knew she was doomed as soon as she had dropped! Her heart was racing.

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My heart jumped as I heard demonic scratching coming from my room. I froze there not knowing what to do. I had to be brave. I had to fight whoever was making the noise.

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Lachlan was about to walk into this colourful place with with big tall slides then lachlan heard a big sound crashing and people laughing and screaming in joy and heard a cozy soft water sound.

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"AHHH" screams lachlan as he falls down the deep steep long hollow pipe screaming in fear, the pipe is long and so was his screaming tribbling and shirving regerted he argeed to such thing. so scared he screamed but nothing came out of his mouth,his voice has been left out of his mouth and all he could do it shut his eyes and keep his mouth wide open trying,and trying to yell almost peeing himself, oh he could feel the drop traveling through his body as he falls deep down.

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The breeze shivers down Lachlan's neck as he stand at the top. His hearted was racing like theres no escape.Lachlan gulped as the people in front of him shrieked on top of their lungs. Finally, it was his turn. Life or death, there was no inbetween.

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As Lachlan arrived to raging waters with Sarah and Ryan he knew he was gonna go the halfpipe. As he got to the halfpipe he started getting more nervous as it got close to his turn but when it was Lachlan's turn he got brave.

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3 2 1 lachlan's heath is beating so fast it missed a beat lachlan closes he's eye and tryed not to think about it but then a big wave of water pushed him of the rifled he then opened his eye and it was done.But laclan was so scared he didn't go on any more rides that day

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boom! as everything got out he took over the world he laughed evilly I had to do something. I jumped at him but his powers were too powerful for me I had to bring people with me to defeat him

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Lachlens heart was racing as the kid in front of him dropped.He got in and instantly regret it."3 2 1"lachlens heart dropped as he bolted down the tube.he let out a big scream as he was doing 360's nd water splashing in his face.he reached the end and had a little pee in his pants.

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nice

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I like the way that you have spaced out "one, two" to build suspense before three. The description of calmly is a nice touch

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i like that you put yourself in laclan shoes

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i like that you put yourself in laclan shoes

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I like how descriptive it was, l feel like I am in his situation. <3

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it was to late now there was no going back i took a deep breath and closed my eyes i went down my soul left my body next thing i know is  SPLASH.

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A passionate emotion of regret hit him as he started to fall down the slippery slope. The instructor counted down and as each number got closer to the number one, the harder he felt his heart was pounding on his chest trying to break out. He started to try and bang on the glass door as hard as he could. the belt restricted his power towards the glass door. "1" the instructor said. The floor opened...

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I like your use of a simile in the start about the cars honking

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He begged and pleaded ''please let me out'',he said to the maniack that locked him in.He felt like all the air escaped 3... 2...1... as the floor beneath him fell away, the last thing he heard was the laugh of his worst nightmare.He felt like he saw jesus christ as his sole left his body.He BARLEY survived as he reached the bottom he could see his heart pounding against his chest.

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I like how it is show not tell you explained the sound and area which is so important! <3

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good

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I like how you used caps to make it funny and catching

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i like how you described how he felt before the drop, feeling how he was going to feel

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good

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I like the metaphor - her heart was about to leave her soul.

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I like the way you used punction in your sentences

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As Keira went on as her heart skipped two beats. In the distance she saw her brother crying so she began to panic. As they were counting down she wobbled as she was shaking. And then she went dropping down so fast. As she was on, she was screaming he lungs out.

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It was to late now. I took a deep breath in and kept in as the the lifeguard smirked at me seeing my pale face. My soul left my body as I loads of water take over my body. Next minute later the water left my body. I shouted as my eyes started to close.

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I like how you had a build up and told us about how is heart was racing.

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cool

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I like how you described the surroundings of Lachlan

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Lachlan was about to go on the rocket slide but his heart dropped he heard people scream  he was with  his friend and his friend said dont be scared go on it with me  he trembling with fear and he was shaking 

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Lachlan was about to go on the rocket slide but his heart dropped he heard people scream  he was with  his friend and his friend said dont be scared go on it with me  he trembling with fear and he was shaking 