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I wanted to show how I have been affected positively throughout my childhood and how I've grown from experiences.

-Paper was well organized and easy to read

-Kept a good flow

-need to fix some grammatical errors and go more in depth for the pivotal moment.

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I need to rewrite some of the paragraphs to have better flow. Better descriptions and sensory details could also help paint the picture. I wanted to clearly show certain things, but they weren't shown because of bad grammar or spelling, so I need to fix that.

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-Felt sort of sparatiky at points from the handwriting and a messy sentence structure.

-Indents and new paragraphs were missing.

-Good sensory words and whatnot as well

-Needed to make it less of a story

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use better vocabulary and better sentence structure. Make the sentences flow better and show emotions in detail. make sure that my sentences show and don't tell

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-change up some of the vocabulary I use throughout the story so it doesn't get repetitive

-add better transitions for a smoother storytelling style

-add a little bit more sensory detail so the reader can really feel themselves in the story

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use more sensory detail

add growth sentences

fix sentence structure

help the reader understand the story

fix run on sentences

I am planning on fixing this one step at a time and enjoy the process because I love English.

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My story needs more progression, a better 'pivotal moment', stronger values, and fewer I's and My's

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better sensory details, more showing less telling

more diverse sentence structure

less repetitive vocabulary

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I had enough words but I needed to elaborate a little bit and make the sentences a little more interesting. It was a good story but needs some help making it more flow more. I need better words to fill it in but I need to make sure they are not just words thrown in there to make me sound smart real good elaborate words that are complete.

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mine had good sensory details, I need to add more personal growth toward the end of my essay. More variety of transitions words to not be as repetitive and more descriptive words to make is sound better.

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It could flow better by adding less simple sentences and having a bigger variety of sentence types. Also i can add more sensory details and use better more descriptive words. I could also cut out some unneeded sentences and words in places

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Use better sensory details of where I'm at

Have stronger vocab in describing things

Have better sentence flow threw out the story

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MIne had good growth and a good personal connection so the reader could easily bond to the message, but certain sentences were run-on and I need to add more details to the second half of the essay.  I had a strong start, but slowly kept adding less and less details and especially sensory details, in order to keep the word count below 600. Ill need to cut out a lot of sentences that arent necessary. (mostly in the first half of the essay)

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MIne had good growth and a good personal connection so the reader could easily bond to the message, but certain sentences were run-on and I need to add more details to the second half of the essay.  I had a strong start, but slowly kept adding less and less details and especially sensory details, in order to keep the word count below 600. Ill need to cut out a lot of sentences that arent necessary. (mostly in the first half of the essay)

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add better vocabulary and better sentence structure, also better organization and more details

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add better vocabulary and better sentence structure, also better organization and more details

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The main thing I need to work on is tying the end of my story to the beginning, it doesn't flow as well as it should and could be worked on. Adding more transition words to make the sentences and paragraphs flow better is a must. The main part of my story could use more detail in how I really felt, how miserable it really was and adding more descriptive words to really add to the feel. Finally, adding in more impressive vocabulary to make my story less bland should wrap it up.

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-add more sensory details to help the reader better picture what is going on

-add how I grew from challenges

-fix any grammar errors and have variety of vocabulary

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focus on the things that I learned more. share more about my personal love for baseball. Use more strong vocabulary and sensory details. Show more struggle and progression. Also touch up some of the sentences/punctuation and make paragraphs.

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-work on adding more sensory details, to add more feeling, aswell as being more descriptive.

- I need to expand on my vocabulary, i need to use other words instead of being repetetive.

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mine includes good personal growth but I need to be more detailed when describing my experiences and also need to use better vocabulary when talking about my emotions to give the reader a better understanding

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use sensory details, be more descriptive of the experiences and how it had a personal impact, good sentence structure and summary but could work on some grammar.

I'd say I need to be descriptive of what I am talking about and use sensory details. as well as the personal impact and fix the grammar.

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A couple of sentences got me lost

Feels almost as if it comes to an end abruptly

Some parts were a little hard to follow/felt like it was jumping around in places

My plan for revision, going forward, is to focus on smoothing out some of the rocky areas, namely by the ending to make it flow better. There's also a section in the middle that I think is confusing people and frankly doesn't make much sense given the context, so my plan is to cut it out, which should help me get back under the word count.

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It had blocky sentence structure and little personal growth. I will work on not as many run on sentences and adding more personal growth toward the end of the paper.

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You did very well keeping it vulnerable and organized, all I would do is keep an eye out for run on sentences and play with some of the sentences we did in class.

- I think that when I am going through my memoir, I can pay attention to sentences that feel to long and look at where I could add a semi colon or a colon to break it up. I also think that rephrasing some of my sentences so that there is more variety and make sure that I am not using the same word repeatedly.

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-Work on using some better words and transitions

-Add some things that show more growth

-Put more sensory details in the end

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-use more synonyms and not be as repetitive

-eleborate more on the outcome and personal growth from the experience and how it has made an impact on my future

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It had good organization, needed some more transitions, and needs to have an event leading to character development

Combine sentences to flow better and change up repeated words.

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Good sentence flow and structure, but lacking in variety of vocabulary. A few sentences that seem out of place.

- Going to go through and find words that are repeated often or words that could be changed for stronger meaning and emphasis. Take out any unnecessary words or sentences and double check punctuation and spelling.

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Put your name at the top of a pad.

Summarize the feedback you received.

Address the feedback specifically, and identify your plan for making changes.

All drafts must undergo revision - you are held accountable for this.