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"A series of animated films explaining brain development in early childhood, and how interactions between babies, young children and caring adults can make a positive difference to their social and emotional development."

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Centre for Early Childhood. Big change starts small. We’re on a mission to transform society through early childhood.

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This website is about the work being done in Dundee around very young children and their families in relation to attunement and attachment through art. It supports the ideas around serve and return, resilience, and building on relationships where shared experiences bring joy and a sense of wellbeing for both child and parent. The website has a link to their digital book with ideas for shared art projects with some gorgeous pictures!

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The Art at the Start project is a collaboration between art therapist Vicky Armstrong and experimental psychologist Dr Josephine Ross. We are interested in the impact participation in art can have upon the social well-being of young children and how shared art experiences may help to build strong attachment relationships: What happens when young children make art together with their important adults? How does engagement with the arts contribute to a child’s individual development? How can we describe what is happening when making art? Can we show that art making is creating change in a measurable way?

Photographed by David P Scott. All rights reserved. www.davidpscott.com

Our project will explore a number of approaches to this question, looking at both art therapy and participative arts. We will be working in art galleries, health settings, the baby lab and even festivals.

The blog will aim to showcase ongoing research as well as providing suggestions of easy art making to try with little ones and some ideas for messy and sensory play experiences. We’re happy to get in a mess road testing them and we’ll try to show why they might be good for little ones (and their grown ups).

Photographed by David P Scott. All rights reserved. www.davidpscott.com

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The Art at the Start project is a collaboration between art therapist Vicky Armstrong and experimental psychologist Dr Josephine Ross. We are interested in the impact participation in art can have upon the social well-being of young children and how shared art experiences may help to build strong attachment relationships: What happens when young children make art together with their important adults?

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Trauma and the importance of early relationships 

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Trauma and the importance of early relationships 

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A podcast by Sally Hogg about the importance of those early relationships and how they support our little ones

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Early Trauma and the Importance of Early Relationships - ACAMH

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In this podcast, we are joined by Sally Hogg to discuss early trauma and the importance of early relationships.

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Dr KATRIONA SULLIVAN ON TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCES GROWING UP IN POVERTY AND THE KINDNESS OF HER EARLY YEARS TEACHERS

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Dr KATRIONA SULLIVAN ON TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCES GROWING UP IN POVERTY AND THE KINDNESS OF HER EARLY YEARS TEACHERS

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This example of kindness and nurture goes on all the time in our early years settings and the importance of it should never be underestimated.

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"Having a person like that see me and care for me was transformative." 

Dr @katrionaos grew up in dire poverty. She told @BBCNuala on @BBCWomansHour about the impact a teacher taking care of her at school had on her.

Listen on @BBCSounds: https://t.co/MIzirNNqWD

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Woman's Hour - Independent Inquiry into child sexual abuse, writer Katriona O'Sullivan, electric cars, fertility laws in France - BBC Sounds

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Professor Alexis Jay's reaction to the government’s response to IICSA.

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"Having a person like that see me and care for me was transformative." 

Dr @katrionaos grew up in dire poverty. She told @BBCNuala on @BBCWomansHour about the impact a teacher taking care of her at school had on her.

Listen on @BBCSounds: https://t.co/MIzirNNqWD https://t.co/dsiaLYl5N0

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"Having a person like that see me and care for me was transformative."

Dr @katrionaos grew up in dire poverty. She told @BBCNuala on @BBCWomansHour about the impact a teacher taking care of her at school had on her.

Listen on @BBCSounds: https://t.co/MIzirNNqWD pic.twitter.com/dsiaLYl5N0
— BBC Radio 4 (@BBCRadio4) May 31, 2023

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.metadata.attachment_props_source.data.entities.urls[].title
Woman's Hour - Independent Inquiry into child sexual abuse, writer Katriona O'Sullivan, electric cars, fertility laws in France - BBC Sounds

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.metadata.attachment_props_source.data.entities.urls[].description
Professor Alexis Jay's reaction to the government’s response to IICSA.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.metadata.attachment_props_source.data.text
"Having a person like that see me and care for me was transformative." 

Dr @katrionaos grew up in dire poverty. She told @BBCNuala on @BBCWomansHour about the impact a teacher taking care of her at school had on her.

Listen on @BBCSounds: https://t.co/MIzirNNqWD https://t.co/dsiaLYl5N0

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.metadata.attachment_props.original_text
"Having a person like that see me and care for me was transformative." 

Dr @katrionaos grew up in dire poverty. She told @BBCNuala on @BBCWomansHour about the impact a teacher taking care of her at school had on her.

Listen on @BBCSounds: https://t.co/MIzirNNqWD https://t.co/dsiaLYl5N0

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.metadata.attachment_props.text
"Having a person like that see me and care for me was transformative." 

Dr @katrionaos grew up in dire poverty. She told @BBCNuala on @BBCWomansHour about the impact a teacher taking care of her at school had on her.

Listen on @BBCSounds: https://t.co/MIzirNNqWD

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.metadata.attachment_props.entities.urls[].title
Woman's Hour - Independent Inquiry into child sexual abuse, writer Katriona O'Sullivan, electric cars, fertility laws in France - BBC Sounds

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.metadata.attachment_props.entities.urls[].description
Professor Alexis Jay's reaction to the government’s response to IICSA.

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Scientifically based parenting with some great articles and research to help support parents with their children's emotional development and behaviour

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Parenting Advice. Backed by Science.

We teach you how to create the best environment for your child's brain development and wellbeing.

Type a keyword below and find a blog post, play idea or podcast episode to learn from.

nurture yourself first,then your child and each other!

The science behind your child's development in easily digestible summaries so that you can apply what is best for your family.

Community support matters. It helps us know that we are not alone.

For expecting and new parents: Stay current with research relevant to your baby's development

Select one of our services that best matches your needs. PDF workbooks, 6 month programs, private consultations with experts and more!

"I really love your content sooo much and I am spending much time reading your post and making notes in my notebook. I am a pediatrian, but when comes to parenting, I learn new information from you every day."

- Aya F. Pediatrician and mom of 6-month old

""I love Curious Neuron because it has helped me gain more confidence as a parent" "

- Rebecca R, mom of a 1-year old

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Parenting advice. Backed by science. We cover developmental milestones in babies, behaviour and tantrums in toddlers, mental health in teens and education. We are experts in pediatrics, research and early childhood education. Join the Curious Neuron Family! Dr. Cindy Hovington is a mom of 3 and a ne

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The key person is in the statutory guidance and is a must for all Early Years settings.The importance of this role cannot be underestimated. On the governments mental health for young children website, it is made clear that a key person approach makes the difference for children's social and emotional wellbeing. This document goes through the role and its significance.

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This is an open university course through their free learning portal - open learning. It covers all the areas of attachment and would make a good CPD opportunity !

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attachment in the early years | openlearn

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This free course, Attachment in the early years, covers theory and research in the area of attachment in early childhood. In the 1950s, John Bowlby was the first person to develop a theory about ...

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Working in child care, you're often the first person in a child's life that they bond with, outside of their own parents.

In other words, the bonds you share with the children in your care have more lifelong impact than most other relationships in children's lives.

But forming those healthy early attachments can be complex. It takes a lot of time and planning to understand and meet the needs of infants in your care. Could there be certain things we should do more of? Or things we do with the best intentions, that don't actually work that well?

When it comes to bonding with babies, there's a whole school of knowledge to make sense of it: Attachment theory.

You've probably heard of attachment theory before - but translating scientific theory to the daily ruckus of your early years environment is something else. So in this article, we're going to get into how attachment theory looks and feels on the day-to-day in your classroom. We'll talk about why exactly it matters so much, and how you can use attachment theory to form even stronger bonds with the little ones.

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What's attachment theory all about?

Attachment theory is the science of how babies bond with their caregivers.

Of course, attachment theory doesn't dictate how that happens. Babies have been bonding with their caregivers since way before we had a name for it. But attachment theory helps us understand the patterns and influences behind how that bonding process happens, so that we can help children get the healthiest start to life. Attachment theory suggests that children's bonding experiences are the most influential in their first year of life, so we'll focus on that first year in the scope of this article.

At its core, attachment theory says that infants need to form strong bonds with one or two central caregivers, in order to have a solid emotional base that prepares them for the rest of life.

This bond is a matter of quality over quantity: The healthiest attachments don't always form with whomever spends the most time with a baby, but who responds best to a baby's signals. In infancy, this means not only being sensitive to babies' needs, but also consistent in responding to those needs.

Why does attachment theory matter so much for children?

You could think about attachment as one of the very first steps on the pathway of child development.

Our first caregivers teach us how to use social cues, which is how we learn to process and communicate our own needs. But also, having these secure attachments gives us a safe home base as we venture out into the world. Infants and toddlers need someone to return to with questions, and to help them feel secure and supported as they explore their own independence.

To put attachment theory in the larger context of child development, here's how those first attachments shape our growth later on:

Cognitive development. Attachment shapes our perception of who we are, who others are, and how we relate to each other.
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Emotional regulation. When we feel emotionally secure in our first attachments, we're better able to process and share big emotions as we grow up.
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Exploratory play and curiosity. Having a strong relation with a caregiver means we've got a secure foundation to start exploring the world around us.
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Building social skills. If our first personal relationships are warm and nurturing, we're more motivated to welcome new people into our lives as we grow up.

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First year of life, and four stages of attachment

Every child develops attachments in their own way. But as our newborn brains develop, the patterns of how we form attachments get more complex.

Our current understanding of attachment theory suggests children go through four distinct phases of attachment during their first year of life. This is the most critical time window for babies to form these bonds, and build these foundational relationships.

Again, within the context of child care, this means that you've got to think the most about attachment with children under one year old.

During that first year, you may notice that a few months can make a big difference in how babies approach attachment. Here are the four key phases of attachment children go through in their first year:

Asocial (0-6 weeks old): Newborns won't recognize a specific caregiver at this age, but will respond well to affectionate gestures, like gentle touch, soft voices, or being held.
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Indiscriminate attachment (6 weeks - 7 months old): At this stage, babies enjoy human company, but respond about equally to any caregiving adult. Babies may get upset if they get separated from their caregiver, or if they don't know where they are. Around this time, babies start learning to identify and remember specific faces.
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Specific attachment (7-9 months old): By now, babies start bonding with a specific caregiver. They might show anxiety when they're around unfamiliar people, or sadness when separated from their special person.
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Multiple attachment (10+ months old): At this point, babies start to recognize and attach to other important people in their lives - such as siblings, grandparents, or child care workers.
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What does healthy attachment look like in child care?

It's hard to tell you what good attachment looks like in this short article.

Evaluating the quality of children's attachment in any definitive way requires specialist training. It's often done in a controlled setting, where children's reactions can be very carefully observed. The daily hubbub of your early years setting might not be the place for that.

But beyond that, we probably shouldn't focus too much on condensing children's early emotional bonding into a numerical score. Instead, we can use attachment theory to help remember the importance and complexity of babies' attachments. It reinforces the immense importance of the work you do, and underlines how critical it is that we show extra attention to the youngest ones in our care.

Within child care, here are some reflection questions that can help you think about how you and your team are helping babies form those first attachments:

How responsive is the practitioner to the child's emotional needs and needs for safety?

How effectively does the child signal distress?

Does the caregiver demonstrate their ability to recognize children's needs and soothe them when needed (e.g., when distressed)?

Of course, an infant's behavior in child care isn't always an ironclad indicator of their attachment. Children's age, developmental stage, home life, and of course individual personality can play a part in how they bond with you.
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How to apply attachment theory in your child care setting

The good news is, supporting healthy attachment doesn't need to be very technical or complex. Within child care, simply giving children consistent, attentive care is enough.

Here's how you can help support healthy, nurturing attachments with the infants in your care:

Show enthusiasm for every child. Greet children and their parents by name in the morning, and show the child that you're happy to see them. When it's time to say goodbye in the afternoon, little rituals like a daily hug or a quick song can mean a lot to children.
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Make time for personal connection. Talk to infants about the things you see around you, or what's happening in the room. Be sure to make eye contact with the baby, and to mirror their smiles and laughs when they do so.
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Learn how individual babies express their needs. Is that a "I'm tired" cry or a "I'm hungry" cry? An arched back, tightly-closed eyes, curled fists, crying, or active movement can mean a lot of different things. It's up to you to do a bit of detective work to learn how each infant in your care communicates their needs.
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Pay attention to babies' favorite sensory inputs. Some babies might like a soft touch or tickling, while others might prefer soft music or being rocked back and forth. Learning what works for each individual infant helps attachment by demonstrating to the child that their needs and preferences are being met.

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What is attachment theory in early childhood? | Famly

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Working in child care, you're often the first person in a child's life that they bond with, outside of their own parents. In other words, the bonds you share with the children in your care have more lifelong impact than most other relationships in children's lives.

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The association for infant mental health AIMH is a great website with free resources around support baby development. This nurture toolkit is from the site and well worth a look for you want to do CPD on this subject

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Attachment theory focuses on relationships and bonds (particularly long-term) between people, including those between a parent and child and between romantic partners. It is a psychological explanation for the emotional bonds and relationships between people.

This theory suggests that people are born with a need to forge bonds with caregivers as children. These early bonds may continue to have an influence on attachments throughout life.

History of the Attachment Theory

British psychologist John Bowlby was the first attachment theorist. He described attachment as a "lasting psychological connectedness between human beings." Bowlby was interested in understanding the anxiety and distress that children experience when separated from their primary caregivers.

Thinkers like Freud suggested that infants become attached to the source of pleasure. Infants, who are in the oral stage of development, become attached to their mothers because she fulfills their oral needs.

Some of the earliest behavioral theories suggested that attachment was simply a learned behavior. These theories proposed that attachment was merely the result of the feeding relationship between the child and the caregiver. Because the caregiver feeds the child and provides nourishment, the child becomes attached.

Bowlby observed that feedings did not diminish separation anxiety. Instead, he found that attachment was characterized by clear behavioral and motivation patterns. When children are frightened, they seek proximity from their primary caregiver in order to receive both comfort and care.

Understanding Attachment

Attachment is an emotional bond with another person. Bowlby believed that the earliest bonds formed by children with their caregivers have a tremendous impact that continues throughout life. He suggested that attachment also serves to keep the infant close to the mother, thus improving the child's chances of survival.

Bowlby viewed attachment as a product of evolutionary processes. While the behavioral theories of attachment suggested that attachment was a learned process, Bowlby and others proposed that children are born with an innate drive to form attachments with caregivers.

Throughout history, children who maintained proximity to an attachment figure were more likely to receive comfort and protection, and therefore more likely to survive to adulthood. Through the process of natural selection, a motivational system designed to regulate attachment emerged.

The central theme of attachment theory is that primary caregivers who are available and responsive to an infant's needs allow the child to develop a sense of security. The infant learns that the caregiver is dependable, which creates a secure base for the child to then explore the world.

So what determines successful attachment? Behaviorists suggest that it was food that led to forming this attachment behavior, but Bowlby and others demonstrated that nurturance and responsiveness were the primary determinants of attachment.

Ainsworth's "Strange Situation"

In her research in the 1970s, psychologist Mary Ainsworth expanded greatly upon Bowlby's original work. Her groundbreaking "strange situation" study revealed the profound effects of attachment on behavior. In the study, researchers observed children between the ages of 12 and 18 months as they responded to a situation in which they were briefly left alone and then reunited with their mothers.

Based on the responses the researchers observed, Ainsworth described three major styles of attachment: secure attachment, ambivalent-insecure attachment, and avoidant-insecure attachment. Later, researchers Main and Solomon (1986) added a fourth attachment style called disorganized-insecure attachment based on their own research.

A number of studies since that time have supported Ainsworth's attachment styles and have indicated that attachment styles also have an impact on behaviors later in life.

Maternal Deprivation Studies

Harry Harlow's infamous studies on maternal deprivation and social isolation during the 1950s and 1960s also explored early bonds. In a series of experiments, Harlow demonstrated how such bonds emerge and the powerful impact they have on behavior and functioning.﻿﻿

In one version of his experiment, newborn rhesus monkeys were separated from their birth mothers and reared by surrogate mothers. The infant monkeys were placed in cages with two wire-monkey mothers. One of the wire monkeys held a bottle from which the infant monkey could obtain nourishment, while the other wire monkey was covered with a soft terry cloth.

While the infant monkeys would go to the wire mother to obtain food, they spent most of their days with the soft cloth mother. When frightened, the baby monkeys would turn to their cloth-covered mother for comfort and security.

Harlow's work also demonstrated that early attachments were the result of receiving comfort and care from a caregiver rather than simply the result of being fed.

The Stages of Attachment

Researchers Rudolph Schaffer and Peggy Emerson analyzed the number of attachment relationships that infants form in a longitudinal study with 60 infants. The infants were observed every four weeks during the first year of life, and then once again at 18 months.

Based on their observations, Schaffer and Emerson outlined four distinct phases of attachment, including:

Pre-Attachment Stage

From birth to 3 months, infants do not show any particular attachment to a specific caregiver. The infant's signals, such as crying and fussing, naturally attract the attention of the caregiver and the baby's positive responses encourage the caregiver to remain close.

Indiscriminate Attachment

Between 6 weeks of age to 7 months, infants begin to show preferences for primary and secondary caregivers. Infants develop trust that the caregiver will respond to their needs. While they still accept care from others, infants start distinguishing between familiar and unfamiliar people, responding more positively to the primary caregiver.

Discriminate Attachment

At this point, from about 7 to 11 months of age, infants show a strong attachment and preference for one specific individual. They will protest when separated from the primary attachment figure (separation anxiety), and begin to display anxiety around strangers (stranger anxiety).

Multiple Attachments

After approximately 9 months of age, children begin to form strong emotional bonds with other caregivers beyond the primary attachment figure. This often includes a second parent, older siblings, and grandparents.

Factors That Influence Attachment

While this process may seem straightforward, there are some factors that can influence how and when attachments develop, including:

Opportunity for attachment: Children who do not have a primary care figure, such as those raised in orphanages, may fail to develop the sense of trust needed to form an attachment.

Quality caregiving: When caregivers respond quickly and consistently, children learn that they can depend on the people who are responsible for their care, which is the essential foundation for attachment. This is a vital factor.

Attachment Styles

There are four patterns of attachment, including:

Ambivalent attachment: These children become very distressed when a parent leaves. Ambivalent attachment style is considered uncommon, affecting an estimated 7% to 15% of U.S. children. As a result of poor parental availability, these children cannot depend on their primary caregiver to be there when they need them.

Avoidant attachment:Children with an avoidant attachment tend to avoid parents or caregivers, showing no preference between a caregiver and a complete stranger. This attachment style might be a result of abusive or neglectful caregivers. Children who are punished for relying on a caregiver will learn to avoid seeking help in the future.

Disorganized attachment: These children display a confusing mix of behavior, seeming disoriented, dazed, or confused. They may avoid or resist the parent. Lack of a clear attachment pattern is likely linked to inconsistent caregiver behavior. In such cases, parents may serve as both a source of comfort and fear, leading to disorganized behavior.

Secure attachment: Children who can depend on their caregivers show distress when separated and joy when reunited. Although the child may be upset, they feel assured that the caregiver will return. When frightened, securely attached children are comfortable seeking reassurance from caregivers. This is the most common attachment style.

The Lasting Impact of Early Attachment

Children who are securely attached as infants tend to develop stronger self-esteem and better self-reliance as they grow older. These children also tend to be more independent, perform better in school, have successful social relationships, and experience less depression and anxiety.

Research suggests that failure to form secure attachments early in life can have a negative impact on behavior in later childhood and throughout life.

Children diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), conduct disorder (CD), or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) frequently display attachment problems, possibly due to early abuse, neglect, or trauma. Children adopted after the age of 6 months may have a higher risk of attachment problems.

Attachment Disorders

In some cases, children may also develop attachment disorders. There are two attachment disorders that may occur: reactive attachment disorder (RAD) and disinhibited social engagement disorder (DSED).

Reactive attachment disorder occurs when children do not form healthy bonds with caregivers. This is often the result of early childhood neglect or abuse and results in problems with emotional management and patterns of withdrawal from caregivers.

Disinhibited social engagement disorder affects a child's ability to form bonds with others and often results from trauma, abandonment, abuse, or neglect. It is characterized by a lack of inhibition around strangers, often leading to excessively familiar behaviors around people they don't know and a lack of social boundaries.

Adult Attachments

Although attachment styles displayed in adulthood are not necessarily the same as those seen in infancy, early attachments can have a serious impact on later relationships. Adults who were securely attached in childhood tend to have good self-esteem, strong romantic relationships, and the ability to self-disclose to others.

A Word From Verywell

Our understanding of attachment theory is heavily influenced by the early work of researchers such as John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. Today, researchers recognize that the early relationships children have with their caregivers play a critical role in healthy development.

Such bonds can also have an influence on romantic relationships in adulthood. Understanding your attachment style may help you look for ways to become more secure in your relationships.

Additional Reading

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Attachment theory is centered on the emotional bonds between people and suggests that our earliest attachments can leave a lasting mark on our lives.

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This is Dr Jools Page theory of professional love.  Dr Page draws heavily on the writing of Nel Noddings- Nel Noddings, the ethics of care and education – infed.org:
and Bowlby

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This is a document that talks about possible behaviours associated with attachment types and how we might be able to support them. Look at the power point slides which will also give information about how to approach and support behaviour too.

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Introduction

What is attachment theory and why is it important?

Attachment is a clinical term used to describe "a lasting psychological connectedness between human beings" (Bowlby, 1997). In particular, attachment theory highlights the importance of a child's emotional bond with their primary caregivers. Disruption to or loss of this bond can affect a child emotionally and psychologically into adulthood, and have an impact on their future relationships.

Only specially trained and qualified professionals should assess a child's attachment style. However, it's important for all adults working with children to understand what attachment is and know how to help parents and carers become attuned to their child's needs. You might do this by working with them directly, or by signposting families to other appropriate services. In the long term, this can help improve wellbeing and provide positive outcomes for both the child and their caregivers.

Understanding attachment in the early years

Children can form attachments with more than one caregiver, but the bond with the people who have provided close care from early infancy is the most important and enduring (Bowlby, 1997).

It's important that parents and carers are attuned and responsive to their baby's needs and are able to provide appropriate care. This includes recognising if their baby is hungry, feeling unwell or in need of closeness and affection (Howe, 2011).

Forming an attachment is something that develops over time for a child, but parents and carers can start to form an emotional bond with their child before they are born. Sometimes a parent or carer may have difficulty forming this bond, for example if they are experiencing mental health issues or don't have an effective support network.

On this page, you'll find information on:

why attachment is important

how children develop attachment

attachment issues, insecure and secure attachment and behaviours to look out for

how trauma can affect attachment

how you can support parents and carers to develop a bond with their child.

Need specific information?

Our information specialists are here to help you find research, guidance and best practice.

References

Bowlby, John (1997) Attachment and loss. Volume 1: attachment. London: Pimlico.
Bowlby, John (1997) Attachment and loss. Volume 1: attachment. London: Pimlico.
Howe, David (2011) Attachment across the lifecourse: a brief introduction. Basingstoke: Palgrave Macmillan.

Stages of attachment

Stages of attachment

The first two years of a child's life are the most critical for forming attachments (Prior and Glaser, 2006).

During this period, children develop an 'internal working model' that shapes the way they view relationships and operate socially. This can affect their sense of trust in others, self-worth and their confidence interacting with others (Bowlby, 1997).

When are attachments formed?

Attachments are formed in different ways during the phases of a child's development.

Antenatal (before birth)

During the antenatal period, parents and carers can form a bond with their child. Any bonds formed before birth can have a positive impact on the relationship between babies and their caregivers once the child is born (Condon and Corkindale, 1997).

Birth until 6 weeks

This is sometimes referred to as the pre-attachment phase because the baby doesn't appear to show an attachment to any specific caregiver. However, parents and carers who provide a nurturing environment and are responsive to their babies needs can lay the foundation for secure attachments to form (Bowlby, 1997).

6 weeks until 6-8 months

During this stage of their development, a baby might start to show a preference for their primary and secondary caregivers (often the mother and father).

6-8 months until 18 months-2 years

During this period a child begins to show a strong attachment to their primary caregivers. Babies start to develop separation anxiety during this phase and can become upset when their caregiver leaves, even for short periods (Bowlby, 1997).

18 months - 2 years onwards

At this point children are likely to become less dependent on their primary caregiver, particularly if they feel secure and confident the caregiver will return and be responsive in times of need (Bowlby, 1997).

References

Prior, V. and Glaser, D. (2006) Understanding attachment and attachment disorders: theory, evidence and practice. London: Jessica Kingsley. Condon, J. T. and Corkindale, C. (1997)
Bowlby, John (1997) Attachment and loss. Volume 1: attachment. London: Pimlico.

The correlates of antenatal attachment in pregnant women. British Journal of Medical Psychology. Cambridge University Press, 70 (4): 359-372. Bowlby, John (1997) Attachment and loss. Volume 1: attachment. London: Pimlico.
Bowlby, John (1997) Attachment and loss. Volume 1: attachment. London: Pimlico.
Bowlby, John (1997) Attachment and loss. Volume 1: attachment. London: Pimlico.

Types of attachment

Types of attachment

A child's need for attachment is part of the process of seeking safety and security from their caregiver.

What does secure attachment look like?

In secure caregiver-child relationships, the caregiver is usually sensitive and tuned in to the child's needs. They are able to provide care that is predictably loving, responsive and consistent.

Young children who have formed a secure attachment to their caregiver may display the following patterns of behaviour during times of stress or exploration:

proximity maintenance - wanting to be near their primary caregiver

safe haven - returning to their primary caregiver for comfort and safety if they feel afraid or threatened

secure base - treating their primary caregiver as a base of security from which they can explore the surrounding environment. The child feels safe in the knowledge that they can return to their secure base when needed

separation distress - experiencing anxiety in the absence of their primary caregiver. They are upset when their caregiver leaves, but happy to see them and easily comforted when they return

Benefits of secure attachment

When caregivers react sensitively to ease their child's distress and help them regulate their emotions, it has a positive impact on the child's neurological, physiological and psychosocial development (Howe, 2011).

Children with secure attachments are more likely to develop emotional intelligence, good social skills and robust mental health (Howe, 2011).

Effects of insecure attachment

Not receiving comfort and security in the early years can have a negative effect on children's neurological, psychological, emotional and physical development and functioning (Newman, 2015).

Babies and young children who have attachment issues may be more likely to develop behavioural problems such as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) or conduct disorder (Fearon et al, 2010).

Children who have attachment issues can have difficulty forming healthy relationships when they grow up. This may be because their experiences have taught them to believe that other people are unreliable or untrustworthy (Bowlby, 1997).

Adults with attachment issues are at a higher risk of entering into volatile relationships and having poor parenting skills, behavioural difficulties and mental health problems (Howe, 2011).
> Find out more about how trauma affects child brain development
Further reading

Take a look at our reading list on child attachment.
> View the reading list on the NSPCC Library catalogue

Attachment issues

Attachment issues

Factors affecting attachment

Some circumstances can make it more challenging for a child and their caregivers to form a pattern of secure attachment. These may include:

abuse, maltreatment and trauma experienced by the parent or child

parental mental health difficulties

parental substance misuse

the child having multiple care placements

parents being separated from their baby just after birth, for example if the baby is receiving neonatal care

stress such as having a low income, being a single parent, or being a young parent

bereavement or loss of another caregiver that a child had an attachment with

Signs that a child may have attachment issues

Children's behaviour can be influenced by a wide range of circumstances and emotions.

Indicators that a baby or toddler might not have a secure attachment with their caregiver will emerge as a pattern of behaviour over time, particularly during moments of stress or exploration. This pattern might include:

being fearful or avoidant of a parent or carer

becoming extremely distressed when their carer leaves them, even for a short amount of time

rejecting their caregiver's efforts to calm, soothe, and connect with them

not seeming to notice or care when their caregiver leaves the room or when they return

being passive or non-responsive to their carer

seeming to be depressed or angry

not being interested in playing with toys or exploring their environment

As children with attachment issues get older, these behaviour patterns might evolve. As well as being evident during times of stress, some behaviours may start to become obvious at other times. These may include the child:

finding it difficult to ask for help

struggling to form positive relationships with adults and peers

struggling to concentrate

struggling to calm themselves down

both demanding and rejecting attention or support at the same time

becoming quickly or disproportionately angry or upset, at times with no clear triggers

appearing withdrawn or disengaged from activities

daydreaming, being hyperactive or constantly fidgeting or moving

(Mentally Healthy Schools, 2020).

If you think a child may have attachment issues, you should refer them to a suitably trained health and social care professional for a full assessment. You should follow your organisation's procedures to make a health and social care referral, or contact your local authority children's social care services.

References

Bowlby, John (1989) The making and breaking of affectional bonds. London: Routledge. Mentally Healthy Schools (2020)
Howe, David (2011) Attachment across the lifecourse: a brief introduction. Basingstoke: Palgrave Macmillan.
Attachment and child development. [Accessed 09/11/2020].

Trauma and attachment

Trauma and attachment

The signs of attachment issues can be similar to indicators that a child is experiencing other challenges, such as:

This means it's important to consider everything that's going on in a child's life and make sure they and their family are provided with appropriate support.

Think about all your previous experiences with the child and their caregivers, to help you build a clear picture of their relationships and recognise any concerning patterns of behaviour.

The impact of trauma and attachment

Children who have experienced abuse, neglect and trauma might develop coping strategies that can make it more complicated to recognise attachment issues.

For example, one sign of secure attachment is that children see their caregiver as a secure base to explore from. But children who have experienced neglect, for example, might display independent behaviour in order to protect themselves from the emotional pain of not having their needs met (Marvin et al, 2002).

It is also possible for a child to develop an attachment to someone who is maltreating them (Blizard & Bluhm, 1994).

As well as affecting attachment, experiencing trauma can have an impact on a child's brain development. Children might need extra support to help strengthen the architecture of their brain.
> Find out more about how trauma affects child brain development
What to do if you're worried that a child is experiencing or at risk of abuse or neglect
If a child is in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
If you're worried about a child but they are not in immediate danger, you should share your concerns.

Follow your organisation's child protection procedures without delay. These should provide clear guidelines on the steps you need to take if a child discloses abuse. They will state who in your organisation has responsibility for safeguarding or child protection and who you should report your concerns to.

Contact your local child protection services. Their contact details can be found on the website for the local authority the child lives in.

Contact the police. They will assess the situation and take the appropriate action to protect the child.

Contact the NSPCC Helpline on 0808 800 5000 or by emailing help@nspcc.org.uk. Our child protection specialists will talk through your concerns with you, give you expert advice and take action to protect the child as appropriate. This may include making a referral to the local authority.

> Find out more about recognising and responding to abuse
If your organisation doesn't have a clear safeguarding procedure or you're concerned about how child protection issues are being handled in your own, or another, organisation, contact the Whistleblowing Advice Line to discuss your concerns.
> Find out about the Whistleblowing Advice Line on the NSPCC website
When you're not sure

The NSPCC Helpline can help when you're not sure if a situation needs a safeguarding response. Our child protection specialists are here to support you whether you're seeking advice, sharing concerns about a child, or looking for reassurance.

Whatever the need, reason or feeling, you can contact the NSPCC Helpline on 0808 800 5000 or by emailing help@nspcc.org.uk

Our trained professionals will talk through your concerns with you. Depending on what you share, our experts will talk you through which local services can help, advise you on next steps, or make referrals to children's services and the police.
> Find out more about how the NSPCC Helpline can support you

Supporting children and families

Supporting children and families

Building positive relationships

It's important for anyone who works with children and families to support parents and carers in building positive relationships with their child. Having positive interaction and play with caregivers can help a child's brain to develop healthily.
> See our early years resources which you can share with parents and caregivers
Video feedback programmes can also be used by specially trained social care professionals to help caregivers improve their interactions with their child. This involves caregivers being filmed when they are interacting with their child and then watching the recording with a trained practitioner, who gives them feedback and helps them build on their strengths.

Support for parents and carers

If parents are struggling with their own issues, it may make it harder for them to bond with their child and provide consistant and responsive care. They may have:

experienced abuse of trauma themselves

drug and/or alcohol dependencies

mental health issues.

> Find out more about parental mental health > Learn more about parental substance misuse
Services for children and families

The NSPCC has many services that children and families can be referred to, from supporting parents and carers in taking care of their children to preventing sexual abuse and overcoming abuse.

Our services might be suitable for children and families you are working with:

Pregnancy in Mind helps parents who are at risk of or experiencing mild to moderate anxiety and depression during pregnancy. The service helps build parents' capacity to provide sensitive, responsive care to their babies and keep these skills developed postnatally and as their children develop
Browse for more services
Further reading

Take a look at our reading list about child attachment interventions, support and treatment.
> View the list on the NSPCC Library catalogue
Supporting children's mental health

Children with attachment issues may have problems expressing or controlling their emotions and forming positive relationships, which might affect their mental health.

It's important to make sure children and young people have access to mental health support.
> Find out more about child mental health > See the NSPCC's advice for parents and carers on how to support their child's mental health
Childline

If a child or young person needs confidential help and advice you can always direct them to Childline. Calls to 0800 1111 are free and children can also contact Childline online. Children under the age of 12 can be directed to the Childline Kids website.

We also have a series of posters and wallet cards you can download for free. These can be printed and displayed in your setting to encourage children to contact Childline if they need to talk.

Introduction

What is attachment theory and why is it important?

Attachment is a clinical term used to describe "a lasting psychological connectedness between human beings" (Bowlby, 1997). In particular, attachment theory highlights the importance of a child's emotional bond with their primary caregivers. Disruption to or loss of this bond can affect a child emotionally and psychologically into adulthood, and have an impact on their future relationships.

Only specially trained and qualified professionals should assess a child's attachment style. However, it's important for all adults working with children to understand what attachment is and know how to help parents and carers become attuned to their child's needs. You might do this by working with them directly, or by signposting families to other appropriate services. In the long term, this can help improve wellbeing and provide positive outcomes for both the child and their caregivers.

Understanding attachment in the early years

Children can form attachments with more than one caregiver, but the bond with the people who have provided close care from early infancy is the most important and enduring (Bowlby, 1997).

It's important that parents and carers are attuned and responsive to their baby's needs and are able to provide appropriate care. This includes recognising if their baby is hungry, feeling unwell or in need of closeness and affection (Howe, 2011).

Forming an attachment is something that develops over time for a child, but parents and carers can start to form an emotional bond with their child before they are born. Sometimes a parent or carer may have difficulty forming this bond, for example if they are experiencing mental health issues or don't have an effective support network.

On this page, you'll find information on:

why attachment is important

how children develop attachment

attachment issues, insecure and secure attachment and behaviours to look out for

how trauma can affect attachment

how you can support parents and carers to develop a bond with their child.

Need specific information?

Our information specialists are here to help you find research, guidance and best practice.

References

Bowlby, John (1997) Attachment and loss. Volume 1: attachment. London: Pimlico.
Bowlby, John (1997) Attachment and loss. Volume 1: attachment. London: Pimlico.
Howe, David (2011) Attachment across the lifecourse: a brief introduction. Basingstoke: Palgrave Macmillan.

Stages of attachment

Stages of attachment

The first two years of a child's life are the most critical for forming attachments (Prior and Glaser, 2006).

During this period, children develop an 'internal working model' that shapes the way they view relationships and operate socially. This can affect their sense of trust in others, self-worth and their confidence interacting with others (Bowlby, 1997).

When are attachments formed?

Attachments are formed in different ways during the phases of a child's development.

Antenatal (before birth)

During the antenatal period, parents and carers can form a bond with their child. Any bonds formed before birth can have a positive impact on the relationship between babies and their caregivers once the child is born (Condon and Corkindale, 1997).

Birth until 6 weeks

This is sometimes referred to as the pre-attachment phase because the baby doesn't appear to show an attachment to any specific caregiver. However, parents and carers who provide a nurturing environment and are responsive to their babies needs can lay the foundation for secure attachments to form (Bowlby, 1997).

6 weeks until 6-8 months

During this stage of their development, a baby might start to show a preference for their primary and secondary caregivers (often the mother and father).

6-8 months until 18 months-2 years

During this period a child begins to show a strong attachment to their primary caregivers. Babies start to develop separation anxiety during this phase and can become upset when their caregiver leaves, even for short periods (Bowlby, 1997).

18 months - 2 years onwards

At this point children are likely to become less dependent on their primary caregiver, particularly if they feel secure and confident the caregiver will return and be responsive in times of need (Bowlby, 1997).

References

Prior, V. and Glaser, D. (2006) Understanding attachment and attachment disorders: theory, evidence and practice. London: Jessica Kingsley. Condon, J. T. and Corkindale, C. (1997)
Bowlby, John (1997) Attachment and loss. Volume 1: attachment. London: Pimlico.

The correlates of antenatal attachment in pregnant women. British Journal of Medical Psychology. Cambridge University Press, 70 (4): 359-372. Bowlby, John (1997) Attachment and loss. Volume 1: attachment. London: Pimlico.
Bowlby, John (1997) Attachment and loss. Volume 1: attachment. London: Pimlico.
Bowlby, John (1997) Attachment and loss. Volume 1: attachment. London: Pimlico.

Types of attachment

Types of attachment

A child's need for attachment is part of the process of seeking safety and security from their caregiver.

What does secure attachment look like?

In secure caregiver-child relationships, the caregiver is usually sensitive and tuned in to the child's needs. They are able to provide care that is predictably loving, responsive and consistent.

Young children who have formed a secure attachment to their caregiver may display the following patterns of behaviour during times of stress or exploration:

proximity maintenance - wanting to be near their primary caregiver

safe haven - returning to their primary caregiver for comfort and safety if they feel afraid or threatened

secure base - treating their primary caregiver as a base of security from which they can explore the surrounding environment. The child feels safe in the knowledge that they can return to their secure base when needed

separation distress - experiencing anxiety in the absence of their primary caregiver. They are upset when their caregiver leaves, but happy to see them and easily comforted when they return

Benefits of secure attachment

When caregivers react sensitively to ease their child's distress and help them regulate their emotions, it has a positive impact on the child's neurological, physiological and psychosocial development (Howe, 2011).

Children with secure attachments are more likely to develop emotional intelligence, good social skills and robust mental health (Howe, 2011).

Effects of insecure attachment

Not receiving comfort and security in the early years can have a negative effect on children's neurological, psychological, emotional and physical development and functioning (Newman, 2015).

Babies and young children who have attachment issues may be more likely to develop behavioural problems such as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) or conduct disorder (Fearon et al, 2010).

Children who have attachment issues can have difficulty forming healthy relationships when they grow up. This may be because their experiences have taught them to believe that other people are unreliable or untrustworthy (Bowlby, 1997).

Adults with attachment issues are at a higher risk of entering into volatile relationships and having poor parenting skills, behavioural difficulties and mental health problems (Howe, 2011).
> Find out more about how trauma affects child brain development
Further reading

Take a look at our reading list on child attachment.
> View the reading list on the NSPCC Library catalogue

Attachment issues

Attachment issues

Factors affecting attachment

Some circumstances can make it more challenging for a child and their caregivers to form a pattern of secure attachment. These may include:

abuse, maltreatment and trauma experienced by the parent or child

parental mental health difficulties

parental substance misuse

the child having multiple care placements

parents being separated from their baby just after birth, for example if the baby is receiving neonatal care

stress such as having a low income, being a single parent, or being a young parent

bereavement or loss of another caregiver that a child had an attachment with

Signs that a child may have attachment issues

Children's behaviour can be influenced by a wide range of circumstances and emotions.

Indicators that a baby or toddler might not have a secure attachment with their caregiver will emerge as a pattern of behaviour over time, particularly during moments of stress or exploration. This pattern might include:

being fearful or avoidant of a parent or carer

becoming extremely distressed when their carer leaves them, even for a short amount of time

rejecting their caregiver's efforts to calm, soothe, and connect with them

not seeming to notice or care when their caregiver leaves the room or when they return

being passive or non-responsive to their carer

seeming to be depressed or angry

not being interested in playing with toys or exploring their environment

As children with attachment issues get older, these behaviour patterns might evolve. As well as being evident during times of stress, some behaviours may start to become obvious at other times. These may include the child:

finding it difficult to ask for help

struggling to form positive relationships with adults and peers

struggling to concentrate

struggling to calm themselves down

both demanding and rejecting attention or support at the same time

becoming quickly or disproportionately angry or upset, at times with no clear triggers

appearing withdrawn or disengaged from activities

daydreaming, being hyperactive or constantly fidgeting or moving

(Mentally Healthy Schools, 2020).

If you think a child may have attachment issues, you should refer them to a suitably trained health and social care professional for a full assessment. You should follow your organisation's procedures to make a health and social care referral, or contact your local authority children's social care services.

References

Bowlby, John (1989) The making and breaking of affectional bonds. London: Routledge. Mentally Healthy Schools (2020)
Howe, David (2011) Attachment across the lifecourse: a brief introduction. Basingstoke: Palgrave Macmillan.
Attachment and child development. [Accessed 09/11/2020].

Trauma and attachment

Trauma and attachment

The signs of attachment issues can be similar to indicators that a child is experiencing other challenges, such as:

This means it's important to consider everything that's going on in a child's life and make sure they and their family are provided with appropriate support.

Think about all your previous experiences with the child and their caregivers, to help you build a clear picture of their relationships and recognise any concerning patterns of behaviour.

The impact of trauma and attachment

Children who have experienced abuse, neglect and trauma might develop coping strategies that can make it more complicated to recognise attachment issues.

For example, one sign of secure attachment is that children see their caregiver as a secure base to explore from. But children who have experienced neglect, for example, might display independent behaviour in order to protect themselves from the emotional pain of not having their needs met (Marvin et al, 2002).

It is also possible for a child to develop an attachment to someone who is maltreating them (Blizard & Bluhm, 1994).

As well as affecting attachment, experiencing trauma can have an impact on a child's brain development. Children might need extra support to help strengthen the architecture of their brain.
> Find out more about how trauma affects child brain development
What to do if you're worried that a child is experiencing or at risk of abuse or neglect
If a child is in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
If you're worried about a child but they are not in immediate danger, you should share your concerns.

Follow your organisation's child protection procedures without delay. These should provide clear guidelines on the steps you need to take if a child discloses abuse. They will state who in your organisation has responsibility for safeguarding or child protection and who you should report your concerns to.

Contact your local child protection services. Their contact details can be found on the website for the local authority the child lives in.

Contact the police. They will assess the situation and take the appropriate action to protect the child.

Contact the NSPCC Helpline on 0808 800 5000 or by emailing help@nspcc.org.uk. Our child protection specialists will talk through your concerns with you, give you expert advice and take action to protect the child as appropriate. This may include making a referral to the local authority.

> Find out more about recognising and responding to abuse
If your organisation doesn't have a clear safeguarding procedure or you're concerned about how child protection issues are being handled in your own, or another, organisation, contact the Whistleblowing Advice Line to discuss your concerns.
> Find out about the Whistleblowing Advice Line on the NSPCC website
When you're not sure

The NSPCC Helpline can help when you're not sure if a situation needs a safeguarding response. Our child protection specialists are here to support you whether you're seeking advice, sharing concerns about a child, or looking for reassurance.

Whatever the need, reason or feeling, you can contact the NSPCC Helpline on 0808 800 5000 or by emailing help@nspcc.org.uk

Our trained professionals will talk through your concerns with you. Depending on what you share, our experts will talk you through which local services can help, advise you on next steps, or make referrals to children's services and the police.
> Find out more about how the NSPCC Helpline can support you

Supporting children and families

Supporting children and families

Building positive relationships

It's important for anyone who works with children and families to support parents and carers in building positive relationships with their child. Having positive interaction and play with caregivers can help a child's brain to develop healthily.
> See our early years resources which you can share with parents and caregivers
Video feedback programmes can also be used by specially trained social care professionals to help caregivers improve their interactions with their child. This involves caregivers being filmed when they are interacting with their child and then watching the recording with a trained practitioner, who gives them feedback and helps them build on their strengths.

Support for parents and carers

If parents are struggling with their own issues, it may make it harder for them to bond with their child and provide consistant and responsive care. They may have:

experienced abuse of trauma themselves

drug and/or alcohol dependencies

mental health issues.

> Find out more about parental mental health > Learn more about parental substance misuse
Services for children and families

The NSPCC has many services that children and families can be referred to, from supporting parents and carers in taking care of their children to preventing sexual abuse and overcoming abuse.

Our services might be suitable for children and families you are working with:

Pregnancy in Mind helps parents who are at risk of or experiencing mild to moderate anxiety and depression during pregnancy. The service helps build parents' capacity to provide sensitive, responsive care to their babies and keep these skills developed postnatally and as their children develop
Browse for more services
Further reading

Take a look at our reading list about child attachment interventions, support and treatment.
> View the list on the NSPCC Library catalogue
Supporting children's mental health

Children with attachment issues may have problems expressing or controlling their emotions and forming positive relationships, which might affect their mental health.

It's important to make sure children and young people have access to mental health support.
> Find out more about child mental health > See the NSPCC's advice for parents and carers on how to support their child's mental health
Childline

If a child or young person needs confidential help and advice you can always direct them to Childline. Calls to 0800 1111 are free and children can also contact Childline online. Children under the age of 12 can be directed to the Childline Kids website.

We also have a series of posters and wallet cards you can download for free. These can be printed and displayed in your setting to encourage children to contact Childline if they need to talk.

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Attachment and child development | NSPCC Learning

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Explains why attachment is important as well as the different stages. Includes information on types of attachment, attachment issues and the effect of trauma.

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Julian Grenier talks to Peter Elfer about the importance of the key person role

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How can the key person approach support children's social and emotional learning in the Early Years?

YouTube · 10:31 · 1,000+ views

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Looking at the Birth to 5 matters material will always give you a good overview around the role of the key person that you can share with your team.

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Key points

Babies and children become attached to significant adults within reliable, respectful, warm and loving relationships which are essential in order to thrive. Babies and children experience wellbeing and contentment when their physical and emotional needs are met and their feelings are accepted. The key person approach, reflecting relationships within families, helps serve to meet these conditions. Early experiences of love and attachment have lifelong benefits.

The key person helps the child to feel known, understood, cared about, and safe. The key person helps the baby or child feel confident that they are "held in mind", thought about and loved. This experience of being cared for by reliable adults who meet their physical needs and remain attentive and playful, affectionate and thoughtful allows children to form secure attachments. Such a grounding provides a "secure base" from which children feel confident to explore the world and form other relationships.

The key person role involves a "triangle of trust" with the child and family. A key person approach is a way to ensure that all children and families have one or more persons within the setting with whom they have a special, nurturing relationship. The presence of a key person helps the child to feel emotionally secure when away from home and provides a reassuring point of contact for parents. There are different ways to ensure a key person is always available (e.g. shared and paired caring, or support partner or buddy).

A key person has special responsibilities for supporting a specific group of children and building relationships with them and their families. The role will involve close physical and personal care for a baby or young child. It is therefore important that parents feel able to share vital information about their child's intimate care preferences, likes and dislikes, motivations and interests, and how they feel about being away from home. Parents might want to talk about their child's feelings or development. It is most helpful for a key person to attend the home visit with another colleague. This frees up opportunities for parents to talk while the key person makes playful connection with the child. If a home visit is not possible, adults can meet somewhere comfortable, with resources to encourage relaxed and playful introductions.

The key person's role includes, but goes far beyond, administrative and operational activities such as keeping records or communicating about the child with parents or other professionals. It is an emotional, reciprocal relationship. As children grow, the key person may not always be present at the setting. Despite this, the child should still feel "held in mind" when they are apart. The key person approach is statutory throughout the early years phase, including in Reception. The role may look very different in a large class of children with often only two adults, but the principles remain the same. A teacher can retain overall knowledge of the children in their class and benefit from particular knowledge that other people working with them might have. The stronger the relationships are, the more supported the child (and their family) will feel about subsequent transitions, including to Key Stage 1.

An effective key person approach needs strong leadership and committed practice. Leaders should have a good working knowledge of the key person approach and be able to implement it to maximise consistency and continuity for the child and family, while offering the best possible support and supervision for practitioners. Although there is legally no minimum qualification to be a key person, leaders can support less experienced staff, including careful thought about the pairing (or mentoring) so that all can benefit from wide expertise. Key persons communicate with a wide range of people involved with the child, including those in other settings the child attends, health visitors, paediatricians, Portage, physiotherapists, social services, Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service, educational psychologists, speech and language therapists, bilingual support, children's centres, and others such as dinner staff.

The role of the key person involves building a relationship of "professional love", with specific and potentially heavy demands. It is important to have professional support and supervision in order to share the challenges of the role. It is also a joyful and privileged position to share in the care of a baby or young child, so having opportunities to celebrate and share those joys are equally important.

Children benefit most when their key person has special qualities and dispositions. Ideally, a key person:

has passion for their work and sees the value and rewards in being a key person

is empathic and understands the different ways of creating a family

appreciates and respects the cultures, identities and diverse backgrounds of the children and families with whom they work

is able to draw on their own informal knowledge of childcare practice from within their own experience and reflect on how best to use or build on it

is able to reflect on and understand the influence of their own attachment experiences on their work with children and families, with the confidence to know when to ask for support and further training

is willing to research and reflect on the concept of "professional love", so that they can see its relevance to their work as a key person

finds effective ways to connect with families, such as developing digital technologies while continuing with as many opportunities for face-to-face connection as possible

is not judgemental and has the skills to communicate with other agencies and settings involved with the child and their family

is well qualified, and/or has wider knowledge and understanding of, for example:
attachment theory, including social and biological factors that might affect a child"s capacity to form attachments

co-regulation and self-regulation

neuroscience (brain development and how it links with all the Prime areas as well as self-regulation and executive function)

pedagogy of effective, relation-based practice

bias and prejudice, how it affects the children and families they work with as well as themselves, and strategies to challenge this

how to identify and support children in a range of circumstances, including those who are vulnerable, looked after, with visible and invisible special educational needs and disabilities

recognises that it is a personal as well as a professional relationship which brings with it much joy, as well as challenge.

works collaboratively with other practitioners, to ensure consistency for the child, and supports transition as an ongoing process, not just an event.

Resources Bibliography
Previous page: Parents as partners | Next page: Supporting development and learning

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Attachment and the role of the key person

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Key points Babies and children become attached to significant adults within reliable, respectful, warm and loving relationships which are essential in order to thrive. Babies and children experience wellbeing and contentment when their physical and emotional needs are met and their feelings are accepted.

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What’s a key person's role?

While going to a childminder or to nursery can be an exciting and enriching experience for a child, it can also be a stressful experience. This is partly because it is something new and unfamiliar, but also because it involves the child separating from the main person who looks after them. To help young children manage this, they need to be able to depend on a known and reliable caregiver at the setting, namely a ‘key person’. (Previously the term ‘key worker’ was commonly used to describe this role, but many nurseries now use the term, 'key person' to emphasise the central importance of the relationship between the child and the 'person' responsible for their care.)

Key people are usually allocated a small group of children to look after. They will be the main carer for each of these particular children while they are in the care of the nursery or childminder. If a child is able to form a close relationship with a ‘key’ person who is consistently available to them this will help them to feel more secure. This key person will become an additional ‘attachment figure’, in the absence of their parents or carers.

Just like with the attachment relationships that the child has formed with their parents or carers, this new relationship is a secure foundation on which the child can build their capacity to explore, play and learn.

Depending on the age of the children they care for, key people have a range of responsibilities, such as feeding, changing, activity planning and monitoring each child’s developmental progress. Through these activities, the key person’s most important task is to get to know the child as an individual and to develop a warm and empathic relationship with them. A key part of this is responding sensitively to their verbal and non-verbal cues.

Like parents, key people can’t always be perfectly attuned to their key children, and like parents, they can’t, and won’t, get it right all the time. But what is most important for the baby, toddler or young child is that they have a consistent and reliable adult who keeps trying to understand them and what they need.

Also see: Separation anxiety

Tips on how to build a secure relationship between key person and child

There are a few practical steps that nursery staff, key people and parents can take to help babies, toddlers or young children settle into their new relationship with their key person. These will also help ensure that a secure relationship develops.

Helping with the settling in process

A child’s key person is the ideal person to support the child through the settling-in process. This is as much an opportunity for the key person to get to know the child as it is for the child to start getting used to the nursery setting and routine. It is very helpful if the key person can plan the settling-in process together with the child’s parents, so that it can be adapted as far as possible to meet the child’s individual needs. The carer should be able to spend as much time as necessary in the nursery with the child to settle them.

Effectively communicating with parents and carers about how a child is doing

Communicating effectively with parents is a vital aspect of the key person’s role. Nurseries have different way of doing this - some write notes and observations in a book, others catch up with parents verbally at the beginning or end of the day. This is particularly important for babies and younger toddlers, who are not able to talk about what they have been doing during the day. Open communication between key person and parents or carers helps parents feel ‘in the loop’ about their child’s experiences at nursery. It also gives parents a clear communication channel if they have concerns or important information to share about their child. Young children and even babies pick up on whether their parents trust the person who looks after them at nursery, so developing this relationship is really important.

Being there during tricky transition periods

Even after a child has settled into nursery, the key person is particularly helpful at times of transition, such as beginning or ending nursery, returning after a weekend or a holiday break, or even simply changing from one activity to another. It is common for young children to feel scared, anxious, or even cross when saying goodbye to a person or an activity or changing from one caregiver to another. If a child has a reliable and empathetic adult, who they can expect to be sensitive to their feelings and needs, at these tricky times, it will do much to help them manage and master these feelings.

Implementing a ‘key person buddy system’ for times of absence

Part of the strength of the key person-child relationship is its consistency – the key person is a familiar adult who is present and available whenever the child is at nursery. However, like parents, key people can’t be available to children 100% of the time, and sometimes there will be unexpected changes. A ‘key person buddy system’, in which children are allocated a second key person who will step in if their usual key person is not available, is a helpful way to support children with unexpected key person absences. Whenever possible, it is helpful to give children as much warning as possible if their key person is going to be absent or if there is going to be a change of key person. At times of intense stress, such a health crises, children and parents may have to manage abrupt, unplanned changes to nursery staffing. Nursery closures may mean a sudden separation from the key person.

Also see: Separation anxiety

Useful links:

Guidance for parents and early years staff on managing the return to nursery, following a period of lockdown.

Guidance on supporting parents and children via digital platforms.

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Relationship with the key person in a childcare setting | Early Years in Mind | Anna Freud Centre

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Advice on key workers or childminders on supporting babies, infants and young children with ensuring nursery and school remains an exciting and enriching experience. Find out more.

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This is the obituary of Elinor Goldschmied who developed the key person approach along with the treasure basket and heuristic play. This article tells us a little about her journey as a childcare expert.

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Elinor Goldschmied, who has died at the age of 98, was one of the pioneers of early childhood care and education, whose work has continued to exert a profound influence on theory and practice right up to the present day. All Elinor's work was highly innovative, but perhaps the three most important new ideas that she introduced into early years practice were the treasure basket, heuristic play and the key person system, described in People Under Three (1994), which she and I co-authored. The treasure basket is designed for the few months when a baby can sit up comfortably, but is not yet mobile. Heuristic play is a form of group activity for children in their second year, and the key person system is designed to ensure that each child in a day nursery has a special relationship with an individual staff member.

She was born Elinor Sinnott into a prosperous family in rural Gloucestershire, the fourth of seven children, and her early life in the countryside was full of opportunities for unrestricted play. But her childhood was clouded by the death of her favourite elder brother and soon afterwards by that of her mother. She was sent to live with her grandfather and attended Clifton high school in Bristol. Elinor decided she wanted to teach and chose to train as a nursery teacher at the Froebel Institute in Roehampton, Surrey.

Her first job was in the junior school of Dartington Hall, the "progressive" school in Devon, where she stayed for five years. Dartington in the 1930s provided an exciting cultural and political environment which changed her view of the world. It was a magnet for intellectuals, artists and musicians, many of them refugees from Nazi persecution.

In 1937 she won a scholarship to the mental health course at the London School of Economics, where she qualified as a psychiatric social worker and met her future husband, Guido Goldschmied, driven from his home city of Trieste by the fascist regime. They were both very active in leftwing causes - Elinor continued to be a member of the Communist party long after it had been abandoned by most of her friends.

During the second world war, she was asked to take responsibility for a group of evacuated children who were considered "unbilletable" because of their wild behaviour. This experience provided the foundation for much of her later work on the management and organisation of day nurseries, both in Britain and Italy.

After many traumatic experiences during the war, Elinor and Guido, with their baby, Marco, returned to Italy in 1946. Shocked by her visits to the orphanages where babies and children had no playthings or human relationships, she met a forceful and influential woman, Elda Scarzella, founder of the Villaggio della Madre e del Fanciullo, a home for single mothers in Milan, vehemently opposed by the Catholic establishment. There Elinor oversaw the nursery education and staff training, pioneering the transformation of childcare in Italy. From this experience she wrote a book, Il Bambino nell'Asilo Nido (The Child in the Nursery), one of the first to address the group care of very young children.

After Guido's early death in 1955, Elinor returned to England, working as education social worker for the London county council and later Ilea, where she fought against the practice, now prohibited, of taking children into care for non-attendance. After "retirement", she began a new career as a consultant in several London boroughs, especially Hammersmith and Fulham and Islington. In Italy and Catalonia she was greatly valued as a leading expert in early years care and continued, into her 90s, to visit and teach in Barcelona, Arezzo, Milan and other Italian cities two or three times a year. One question that particularly annoyed her was,"are you still working?", the trigger for one of her best poems.

A favourite quotation, from William Blake, was: "He who would do good to others must do it in minute particulars." Unlike many of the pioneers of early years care and education, Elinor eschewed grand theories, preferring to show, through her eight documentary films, how advances in our understanding of child development can be applied in everyday practice. But perhaps her major contribution came through her inspired teaching of generations of early years workers. All who met her were profoundly influenced. Largely by word of mouth, her ideas have spread far beyond the childcare centres where she taught directly, and will continue to do so for many years to come.

She is survived by Marco, one of Britain's leading architects, five grandchildren, four great-grandchildren and three of her four sisters.

Sheila Millington writes: I came to know Elinor in the 1960s, at the annual conferences of the Association of Child Care Services. She seemed to be there from a wish to keep in touch with younger colleagues and to learn about current policy and practice developments as they affected very young children. I drew on her work when I was responsible for early years in the social services inspectorate in the late 1980s. More recently, she joined in the commemorative events to mark the 50th anniversary of the Children Act, 1948.

Elinor's idea of the treasure basket had stemmed from her observations of parents and children, how babies learned about the world around them and how parents provided their babies with things to play with and investigate. Babies, she wrote in 1989, "suck, grasp, touch and feel objects, [rehearsing] behaviours which foster their earliest learning". In a 1997 video for the National Children's Bureau, a baby is shown, sitting up, beside a basket of natural treasures; a lemon, a fir cone, a large seashell and more. The infant is completely absorbed.

Elinor Violet Goldschmied, educationist, born 15 December 1910; died 27 February 2009

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Elinor Goldschmied, who has died at the age of 98, was one of the pioneers of early childhood care and education, whose work has continued to exert a profound influence on theory and practice right up to the present day.

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In this podcast we continue our discussion with Juliet Davies, a Children's Centre Coordinator and Lead for Special Educational Needs and Donna Gaywood, a Children's Centre Teacher from Bath and North East Somerset. Juliet and Donna discuss the support in place for children with Social, Emotional and Mental Health needs in their area.

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               mental health

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Podcast: Supporting Children with Social, Emotional and Mental Health Needs

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In this podcast we continue our discussion with Juliet Davies, a Children's Centre Coordinator and Lead for Special Educational Needs and Donna Gaywood, a Children's Centre Teacher from Bath and North East Somerset. Juliet and Donna discuss the support in

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Children leaving parents for the first time or having to get used to leaving parents is a real emotional and psychological challenge even though it is a natural part of development and change. Knowing how to help this stage of development will give children a positive and supportive experience to learn from

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At around six months, babies will start to become anxious when their parent or primary caregiver leaves them. They'll also get quite clingy and cry. This is a normal part of development, which children usually grow out of when they reach around three.

When a child starts to experience separation anxiety it's a sign that they have begun to realises how much they rely on their carer. They will also have developed more awareness about what is going on around them. All this means they feel less safe when they don't have their carer close by. They may also feel upset in new situations or with new people, even if their carer is there. For a baby, it's particularly frightening to lose sight of their caregiver. Babies can panic that people or things may have gone for good, if they aren't able to see them.

When a toddler is separated from a parent or carer, it can feel to them as though they have been 'left'. They might think, "If you really loved me you would never leave me!" But the fact is that most toddlers will experience being separated from their parent or carer at certain times, and although they can find these times upsetting, the toddlers will learn to cope with them. If parents and carers can focus on consistently ensuring their child feels loved and understood, they'll learn that when they are left it will be OK, and that their carer will come back.

Levels of separation anxiety vary widely. Some toddlers may become upset initially when their parent or carer leaves, but are then able to enjoy playing with their toys, and other children and caregivers. But others might not be able to be settled so easily when the caregiver has gone, and comforting or distracting methods don't work on them.

In some situations, the fear of separation can become so intense that the child spends all their time monitoring where their parent or caregiver is, and not letting them out of their sight for a moment. In these cases, it's very possible that the child won't enjoy playing and interacting when the parent is gone. Usually, these responses to separation will lessen with time.

Advising and reassuring parents and carers who are leaving their child at the setting for the first time

Suggest that parents prepare for, and manage their own feelings
Encourage parents and caregivers to think about any forthcoming significant separation before it takes place. It can be useful for them to get in touch with their own feelings, and think about how they may be expressing these feelings in their behaviour. Children are very sensitive to how parents are feeling!
Acknowledge their feelings as valid
It is important to acknowledge with a parent and caregiver that it can feel pretty scary for them to leave their child. It can be helpful to talk to them about any strong feelings that may be brought up for them by the separation. It may be that they are feeling upset, guilty, relieved or worried.
Remind them that the process isn't likely harm their child
Reassure parents and caregivers that, while a child can feel distress when being separated this feeling does not necessarily cause them harm, and that their child is learning important lessons that will allow them to become more independent.
Encourage a positive 'Goodbye'
Encourage parents to be positive and decisive when saying goodbye to their children. It's important for parents to tell children that they are leaving, and to do so confidently and in an upbeat way. This will boost children's confidence (even if not at first!) that it is safe to be left, and that their parent will return.

Attending to a child after the parent or carer has left

If, after the parent or carer has left, you think the child might be missing them you could talk to them about what is happening, and how they may be feeling. For instance you could say: "Are you missing your mum? She's gone shopping. After that she will come back. Shall we look at a picture of her and you together here on my phone? There she is. That's your mum, she'll be back soon".

While doing this you could leave conversational gaps in between questions and use exaggerated facial expressions to show them that you understand where they are coming from, and are interested in their feelings.

Also see: Relationship with the key person in a childcare setting

Top tips to share with parents and carers

1. Avoid overnight separations until the child is older where possible, and also avoid leaving your baby when they're tired or ill - for they will need you at these times.

2. Engage your baby in games that help them learn that people do not 'disappear' when they go out of sight and that you will come back even if you go away. These games could include playing peek-a-boo, and hide-and-seek.

3. Practice short separations from your baby to begin with - leave them for a few minutes with someone they are comfortable with. Gradually work towards longer separations and leaving them in less familiar settings.

4. Before the separation help your child become familiar with the new places they will be in, and the people they will be with. Similarly, help the substitute caregiver become familiar with your child - such as what they like and don't like, any specific worries and fears, and their daily routine.

5. Tell the child what is going to be happening at least a few days before it takes place, using simple and straightforward language, with a confident and factual tone of voice. Give the child room to ask questions, and to protest!

6. Tell the child what they'll be doing while they are apart from you. Talk about what you are going to do when you see them again, so they can look forward to it. Reassure the child that you'll be thinking about them, and that the child can think about you while you're apart. Even for younger children who can't speak, they may understand a simple explanation, and will understand a reassuring, loving tone of voice

7. Leave your child with a little reminder of you e.g. a photo, a little toy that they can keep with them.

8. Try to make 'saying goodbye' a positive time. Don't sneak away, but make sure to say goodbye and tell them that you're leaving. Even if you are feeling sad or worried, if you can smile and say goodbye confidently, your child will feel more confident.

9. Give your child a big hug to greet them when you return. But don't be concerned if they don't greet you joyfully, they may be angry or avoiding looking at you. This is normal and try not to take offence. In fact, this is a good sign as it means they are confident enough in their relationship with you to let you know you that they are not happy. Tell them how happy you are to be back together, and how you missed them when you were apart.

Impact of the health crisis

The health crisis is impacting different families in different ways. Some children may be spending much more time with their carers, which may make separating more difficult when they go back to nursery. Some children may find themselves separated from certain people they are close to, such as a family member or their keyworker, for extended periods of time. It may be difficult for young children to understand why they can't see their family members, or staff or friends from nursery. And it can be more difficult to reassure children if carers are anxious about these separations themselves.

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How to help with separation anxiety | Early Years in Mind | Anna Freud Centre

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At around six months, babies will start to become anxious when their parent or primary caregiver leaves them. They'll also get quite clingy and cry. This is a normal part of development, which children usually grow out of when they reach around three.

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We tend to think of "doing something for attention" as a bad thing- but what if it isn't?

Every single one of us needs attention. Attention- especially from those we love- is an essential ingredient for the attachments that empower us to grow as individuals, that supports mental health, and that develops our template for healthy relationships.

If attention is something we all need to thrive and even to survive, then attention-seeking behavior in children, teens, and adults becomes important communication (rather than just an irritation!).

What Attention-Seeking Behavior Might Be Telling Us

Seeking attention through behavior is never a person's first attempt to get that attention. When you perceive attention-seeking behavior in teens, kids, or adults, it's typically a sign of an unmet need.

People seek attention through behavior when attempts to get care by asking verbally have failed.

Humans are expressive and creative. It is a sign of a healthy brain that we creatively try different ways to get our needs met.

Three Reasons People Act Out for Attention:

They're a healthy human asking, in a creatively human way, for the connection and validation we all need. Occasional attention-seeking behavior- especially in adolescence- is part of normal development, identity formation, and finding our place in the world.

Long-term unmet needs have shaped a behavior pattern. This can happen when a person has spent formative years of their life in relationships where verbalizing their needs (example: "I need a hug") or healthy bids for connection (example: crawling into a parent's lap) were ignored, rejected, or even punished. As a result, when these individuals feel an attachment figure (parent, partner, or friend) is distant, they may default to attention-seeking behaviors instead of communicating.

Attention-seeking due to a short term breakdown of communication in a relationship. Attention-seeking behavior is a way of- well- getting attention! And it works! It's not uncommon for attention-seeking behavior to show up in otherwise healthy relationships when two partners are out of sync or when one partner is simply distracted. Attention-seeking is a result of a normal- and often healthy- escalation of communicating needs.

When Attention-Seeking Behavior is Healthy

Faced with a partner that is pulling away or distant in a relationship, a healthy response might flow through these escalating tiers:

1. Naming and communicating a need. Example: "You've felt distracted. I miss you. I need to know you care about us." Or, for kids, it may sound like: "You work too much."

2. Initiating connection Examples: initiating physical intimacy in a romantic relationship or inviting a friend out for a day spent one-on-one. For kids, it might be a toy plopped in your lap or a request for a bedtime story even though they're a little old for one.

3. Attention-seeking behavior. Attention-seeking behavior communicates needs that cannot be ignored any longer. Attention-seeking behavior takes many forms from fabricated drama to overly/uncharacteristically sexualized behavior, or from pranks, gags, and performative behavior to tantrums.

Relationships that consistently reach this third stage and rely on attention-seeking behavior to elicit a response that stabilizes the relationship tend to be exhausting, stress-filled relationships that cycle between extremes of drama and stability.

Ask What the Behavior is Saying

Because "attention-seeking behavior" is often an adult, child, or teen's way of reaching out, it is critical to avoid a shaming response. Invalidating their vulnerability in asking for care (even if we don't like how they asked) can increase problem behaviors.

A common response when we realize someone is doing something for attention is to "catch" them in the act, naming "you're just looking for attention," but this is rarely a constructive response. On the contrary- it pushes the person away instead of inviting them into the connection they are seeking.

Usually, we respond negatively to attention-seeking behavior because we were parented that way, or because we feel overwhelmed by trying to locate and meet our child's needs. It can be frustrating to be pushed away and simultaneously needed so deeply by adolescence, and many parents can use support navigating this time in their child's life..

Humans- children and teens especially- DO need attention in the form of being seen and noticed, listened to, and made to feel safe to be who they are.

Getting Help

The reality is we may not always (or even, often) have the capacity to understand what's not being spoken or the resources to provide what kids need from us- and that's ok. Parents don't have to meet every need, respond to every bid for connection, and resolve every issue: we just need to do our best and call in backup when we need it.

When children and teens ask for attention, the job of the parent, caregiver, counselor, or educator is to show up, affirm, and do our best. When our best isn't enough, it's time to reach out to outside resources- even if that means facing our own fears of having our limits seen by someone else.

Attention-Seeking Kids in Therapy

This is one reason why therapy, even short-term, can be helpful to families: The role of the therapist is often one of interpreter: helping both kids and parents understand what's really happening, so the family can work with the underlying challenges instead of the behavior.

Kids are often distressed by their own acting out.

When their behavior causes their parent's or caregiver's anxiety to increase, a child's distress is multiplied. This shared distress may seem to grow larger as focus directly on behavior management takes up more and more space in the parent-child relationship.

By interrupting the cycle in which (1) kids act out, (2) parents respond with their own distressed and anxious response, and (3) kids respond with increased impulsivity, the family can begin to recover. As a child learns to identify and verbalize their feelings and a parent learns to be more curious about behavior instead of reacting with fear that they've messed up, problem behaviors typically reduce or resolve.

Next time you think someone is doing something for attention, think about the role the behavior is serving. What might it be saying? How might it be an attempt to access the resources the person needs in order to function?

Dealing with Attention-Seeking Behavior When You Aren't the Parent

Often, for those of us on the outer edge of someone's life, it can be easy to take on a mindset of "that person doesn't have it so bad" or "aren't that troubled." These automatic judgments create less tolerance within us for empathically handling the attention-seeking behavior of a student, friend, etc.

You can balance support and self-care by offering only as much support as you can offer freely, and setting boundaries for when you are being asked for more than you are able to give (your irritation here is a clue: learn to pay attention to when irritation rises in order to locate your personal boundaries).

When you reach your limit, you can say something like, "It sounds like you are really struggling. I care about you, but I don't have the skills to help. You mentioned wanting to (use x resource/see a therapist/etc) and I think that's a great idea. Can I help you connect with that?" The crisis text line is a fantastic resource when you can't support someone but want them to have skilled support.

[Image Description] Negative attention looks like: Lecturing them (drawing of an arm with a green sleeve, with a finger pointing), Punishing them (drawing of a brown chair), Threats (drawing of two speech bubbles that read "If you don't..." and "I'm gonna..."), and Yelling at them (drawing of a female head with brown hair pulled into a bun and a light skin-tone, whose face is angry).

What is Negative Attention?

Negative attention in response to attention-seeking can take many forms.

Negative attention comes through lecturing, yelling, punishing, or threatening the person asking for attention. Our negative responses aren't always on purpose- often they are an automatic conditioned response shaped by how others have treated us in our neediest moments.

Example: Imagine being the parent of a toddler incessantly pulling on your leg in the middle of an important work-from-home meeting: a negative response to the child's bid for attention could be punishing the child or muting yourself long enough to yell "STOP!"

[Image Description] Positive attention looks like: Noticing them (drawing of eyes inside of a pair of glasses), Listening to them (drawing of text bubbles that read "!!!" and "heart !?"), Feeling and expressing empathy (drawing of two dark skin-tone hands hugging a pink heart), Playing with them at all ages (drawing of stacking blocks of different colors), Hugging them (drawing of light skin-tone hands hugging), and Spending time with them (drawing of a golden analog clock).

What is Positive Attention?

Alternatively, when a person of any age is seeking attention, we can respond mindfully and with positivity.

This can look like giving someone gentle physical contact, spending time with them, listening to them, expressing empathy, playing with them, or simply noticing them.

Let's revisit the tugging toddler example again: Instead of brushing them off or responding punitively, a positive response to their attention-seeking could include acknowledging they need something, holding their hand, or assure them that you will be available for them in (x) amount of minutes.

Taking a moment to notice the attention-seeking behavior and respond compassionately can interrupt the annoying escalation of increasingly dramatic attention-seeking behavior. Knowing they are seen and heard can make a difference.

[Image Description] Four comic-style vignette drawings depicting a child demonstrating attention-seeking behavior. The first drawing depicts the child asking the dad for attention, but the dad is distracted by reading materials. The second image depicts the child asking their mom for attention, but the mom is distracted by computer work. The third image depicts the child asking their teacher for attention, but the teacher is distracted by another student. The fourth image depicts the child, mother, father, and teacher sitting in the principal's office discussing behavioral problems.

The Importance of Noticing Attention-Seeking

As the comic above depicts: attention-seeking behavior typically does not escalate in one instance, but over many instances of not feeling responded to, seen, or heard by those around the person who is asking for attention.

Remember: every single one of us needs attention because attention is an essential ingredient for attachments, mental health, and healthy relationships - attention is something we need to survive and thrive. Attention-seeking behaviors are important pathways for communication, so if we mindfully tune-in to our child, teen, or partner's attention-seeking behavior, we may learn something important.

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3 Reasons Behind Attention-Seeking Behavior (& How to Respond) - LindsayBraman.com

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We tend to think of "doing something for attention" as a bad thing- but what if it isn't? Every single one of us needs attention. Attention- especially from those we love- is an essential ingredient for the attachments that empower us to grow as individuals, that supports mental health, and that develops our template for healthy relationships.

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So many times, I've looked into the eyes of a child who is angry, bewildered, frustrated, or who has given up the fight altogether, and I see myself.

I recognize those feelings, or I remember the anxiety from somewhere deep in my own childhood.

Traditionally, we educators learn to respond to children's behavior with certain tools or "quick fixes," as a means of gaining control. But this doesn't always address the core of the issue. We've got to recognize that "bad behavior," or attention-seeking behavior, is an important way for children to communicate their needs.

My work is based on understanding our own emotions and biases regarding discipline in general, and more specifically, how we react to children needing our attention. In other words, we can't help children manage their feelings and behaviors without understanding our own.

In this article, I'll challenge us to reflect on how we perceive children's need for attention, and how that connects with how we remember being treated as children ourselves. You'll come away with new ideas on how to respond to children in ways that support their emotional health and development.

Reframing attention seeking behavior in children
Instead of us saying, "She is just doing it for attention - ignore her," we might say, "She is just doing it for relationship." Then, would we still have the option to ignore her?

‍Know your own emotions first

In many cases, it's not so much that a child really has behavior problems. More often, it has to do with how we perceive those behaviors, because we connect them with being punished for expressing the same things when we were little. It's only natural that we choose responses that fit our comfort level and personal experiences - but we can also rethink this.

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It takes courage to face how some of the ways we were treated as children can affect our disciplinary interactions, or our relationships in general with young children.

But our responses in emotional situations are crucial in helping children develop a healthy emotional identity. We've got to support them at every turn - and of course, this is much easier said than done. But if we're not aware of our own emotional limitations, we might not be as supportive as we would like. We might unintentionally humiliate a child, echoing the way a parent or educator shamed us as children.

Even if we know what the right response is, our personal emotions can sometimes be overwhelming, and make us act in an inappropriate way. This happens to all of us, and there are things all of us can do to grow and improve.

What causes attention seeking behavior in children?

Getting attention is a complex issue in our relationships with young children. How well can we deal with children's natural need for it, when we developed all kinds of weird ways of seeking attention ourselves? What makes us uncomfortable about desiring attention? Why do we sometimes feel guilty or ashamed for even wanting it in the first place?

That we still carry this stigma about attention-getting suggests our own disciplinary experiences as children still affect us. Some of us might choose to echo how our own parents and caregivers responded to us, because we think it works - and we end up frustrated, because discipline policies ask for different responses. Or, we might decide to make changes in how we set boundaries for children in the future.

Thinking of new responses to attention seeking behavior

Once, while I was giving a presentation, a woman described how she sought negative attention from her parents when she was a child. Jealous of her newborn younger sister, she would take away her sister's toys, prompting a scolding from her parents.

I described to her an ideal scenario where her parents, instead of admonishing her about taking away the toy, they might rather hold her in their arms and tell her how much they loved her and understood her pain about her younger sister.

I described them saying something like; "We don't expect you to love your sister until you are ready. We love her and you, and one day we are sure you will love your sister too - when you are more used to her being in our lives. We can't allow you to take away her toys because that hurts her, but we love you nevertheless and understand why you are doing this."

The woman who had shared her story was very struck by this. She told me she realized that she always thought she sought out negative attention, when in fact she just needed to have her feelings validated.

In this, we see both sides of this complex issue - the importance of reframing children's behavior in a more positive way, and the risk of letting our own childhood experiences go unchecked, potentially leading to us repeating the same inappropriate responses.

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Self-reflection tools for attention seeking behavior in children

As educators and caregivers, we need to understand why we respond to children in the way that we do. And when it comes to emotions, this starts with reflecting on our own experiences as children.

The more we understand ourselves, the easier it is to validate and accept young children's emotions.

Here are some ideas that can help you get in touch with your own emotional experiences, and the influence they might have on your teaching and caregiving:

You can read books to learn more about discipline strategies. One of the best books about discipline strategies that I have read is: No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind, by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D. I, too, have written two books that share some suggestions for discipline strategies: Don't Get So Upset! Help Young Children Manage Their Feelings by Understanding Your Own, and Everyone Needs Attention: Helping Young Children Thrive.
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When you're frustrated with a child's behavior, take some time to be still and reflect. For example, you might discover that a child reminds you of someone. If you hold still you can ask yourself, "I wonder why this or that child presses my buttons. Who might this child remind me of?" Consider keeping a journal to record and reflect on how you feel. You can consider the following questions:
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How do your childhood experiences influence you?

What buttons is this behavior pushing?

How have you faced your discomfort about what angered and hurt you as a child about being ignored, rejected?

How did you feel when someone noticed your effort and shared that with you when you were a child?

How did it feel to be excluded, or when something seemed unfair?

In what ways have you validated your own experience?

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You can interview family members to understand how it was when you were very young. Ask them questions about what was happening in your family when you were born. How was your parents' relationship at that time, how many siblings were already born, and how were their relationships with your parents or guardians?

I was curious to find out how my parents perceived me as a young child, and how they disciplined me. What was their socio-economic status at the time, and what kind of support were they receiving, emotional or financial? Of course, if you are anything like me, once you start asking questions, the responses you receive will inevitably raise more questions for you.
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Attend workshops on the subject. The National Association for the Education of Young Children has two annual conferences each year which are attended by thousands of all types of early childhood educators. The Child Care Exchange is also an excellent resource for articles and suggestions.
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Support groups can be helpful in sharing ideas and feelings about disciplinary issues. This is something you could create within your own child care center, with your team. If you're not the only one looking to rethink your approach to attention seeking behavior in children, talking it through with your colleagues is a good place to start.
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Moving forward with attention seeking behavior

Teaching young children is the most powerful profession I know, and it comes with an awesome responsibility. It's up to us to model new ideas for children, new ways to solve problems, and how to show kindness and compassion. These Early Years relationships lay the cornerstone for children's emotional identity - and how they share those emotions the rest of their lives.

Us teachers are not only dealing with curriculum items like mathematics, literacy or social studies. We're teaching social and emotional skills, and we need to build that framework with young children moment by moment. Tamar Jacobson is an early childhood development and education consultant for early childhood programs, organizations, and families. Her book on this subject, Everyone Needs Attention: Helping Young Children Thrive, is available via Redleaf Press.

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Rethink Children's Attention Seeking Behavior | Famly

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So many times, I've looked into the eyes of a child who is angry, bewildered, frustrated, or who has given up the fight altogether, and I see myself. I recognize those feelings, or I remember the anxiety from somewhere deep in my own childhood.

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Right now, child care settings across the world are cautiously opening their doors again. Us grown-ups are probably a little on edge, and understandably so. But how are the children going to handle all this?

According to Neal Horen, Director of the Early Childhood Division at Georgetown University, one thing's for certain: The first few days aren't going to be just like we left off three months ago.

"I think you're going to see a wide range of behaviour and reactions. Some children will have a great deal of anxiety about coming back, and they can communicate those feelings in a lot of different ways," Neal says. "Teachers in early education need to be ready for it - the question is how we do that."

Neal's background is in clinical psychology, and for the past 20 years he has specialized in mental health and emotional development during early childhood. I called him up with some questions about separation anxiety, and how we can best support the children who are struggling with getting back to their old routines.

Before we get into this, it's worth reiterating that what we're talking about won't apply to every child. Some children are going to be overjoyed to see their friends and teachers again, and others are going to be apprehensive. Both are okay. But right now, the little ones that are having a tough time just need a bit more help.

With that said, let's dive in.

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What does anxiety look like?

Depending on the age of the children in your care, they may not yet be able to recognise and share the emotions they're feeling. That is to say, the way they communicate their feelings is going to vary a lot. In these times, it's natural for all of us to feel a bit more stressed and anxious - but what's "normal" anxious, and what's a cause for concern?

According to Neal, one good way to evaluate children's behaviour is not to overanalyze specific outbursts, but to look at how things change over time.

"I think it's reasonable to expect that everyone's going to be a bit more on edge as we come back. But if we see after a week, or two weeks, that a child's behaviour has not changed at all, then it's time we start looking at ways to address their anxiety," Neal says.

With each child, ask yourself: Who is this child, temperamentally speaking? What were they like before all this, what did they like to do or not like to do?

In these first few weeks, parents and caregivers should keep an eye out for these potential indicators of stress and anxiety in children.

Trouble controlling temper

Regressive behaviour

Depressive sadness, or a lack of interest in favourite activities

Changes in sleep schedule or appetite

Self-isolating, or withdrawing from social circumstances

Abnormal clinginess toward a particular parent or caregiver

The three Rs - relationships, routine, and resilience

Even setting the coronavirus aside for a second, there's a lot going on in the world right now. It's pretty easy for us grown-ups to get anxious, and it would be naive to think we don't pass those anxieties on to our children.

Whether we're trying to make our return to child care more comfortable, or create a more stable environment at home, we can think of our work in terms of building up the three Rs - relationships, routine and resilience.

Let's break them down one by one.

1. Relationships - When children feel more secure in their personal relationships, it gives them a safe base to explore the rest of their world. Hold personal check-ins with families, just to see how everyone's been doing. If certain children appear to be struggling, make room for some one-on-one activity time with a favourite staff member. If you're still connecting with families remotely, be sure to still hold virtual activity time to keep those relationships strong.

2. Routines - Keeping routines helps your child care setting feel more familiar, safer and reliable. As children return, make sure to explain how your daily practices might change with social distancing rules - more hand-washing, certain toys put on the shelf, a bit more distance at playtime. Remind children of your daily schedule, and put a schedule up on the wall so they can structure their expectations about what's next.

3. Resilience - Children need our help to learn resilience. Right now, that means helping children identify difficult feelings they might experience, and showing them where they can go for support.

Re-entering the outside world

In some cases, going back to "normal life" isn't so simple. As Neal explains, these next few weeks could be a pretty radical change for children, which can cause serious stress.

"You're going to see children who are very fearful, because they've spent the past three months being told to not go near people," Neal says. "Parents have drilled their children to stay away from others to protect themselves, and now we're saying alright, go run around and be near people. It's mixed messaging, and that can be confusing."

Before children feel comfortable coming back to your child care setting, they need to feel comfortable leaving the house again. Reach out to parents at home, and help everyone prepare for the return. Parents should sit down with children and explain the new guidelines for safe conduct, and why they believe it's alright to start getting out and about again.

Then, take things in small steps. This means giving anxious children small moments of exposure that allow them to be brave, and realise things aren't as bad as they feared. This might mean just walking to the mailbox to collect the mail, or coming along for a grocery run. Especially now, remaining diligent about hand-washing and social distancing can help comfort children who are uneasy about coming back into the world again.

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Working with the parents

Supporting children means supporting parents, too. It's worth being aware that parents can be just as stressed and anxious about returning to child care as their children, and that children will naturally reflect their parents' emotions.

In the first few weeks, make sure to set aside more time than usual to keep in touch with the parents at your setting. Here are some ways you can reach out to parents to get them more involved with your reopening process.

Hold family check-ins - Neal recommends scheduling family meetings as a sort of post-corona debriefer. It's important that you ask parents what went on at home on a daily basis, so you can get an idea of what sort of home environment the child is transitioning from. Ask about what went really well, what was challenging, and how children's behaviour was at home. It's also worth checking in more than once, to see if they've noticed any changes in behaviour during this transition.
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Give parents resources to use at home - Make sure parents are equipped with the resources they need to support themselves and their children when they're at home. Consider sending along some reading, so parents can stay informed and on top of this. Our guide to supporting children's wellbeing at home, or this resource from the Child Mind Institute, are both good places to start.

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Practicing patience all around

As we get used to our old routines and habits, it's important we take the time to show a little extra patience all around. You, your team, your parents and your children could all use a bit of slack. After all, this is an incredibly weird and hectic time we're in.

But in this transition, as Neal points out, there's room for growth. Sure, it's great to get back (or a little closer) to normal - but we shouldn't overlook the resilience we've all shown these past few months.

"Rather than focus on how hard this has been, we should also think about the resilience of our families, children and providers," Neil says. "Parents have spent much more time learning how to support their children's development, and providers have had an opportunity to learn new ways to connect more around social-emotional development and wellness. I hope we see both of these continue as we go back to our regular lives."

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Approaching Separation Anxiety as Child Care Reopens | Famly

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Right now, child care settings across the world are cautiously opening their doors again. Us grown-ups are probably a little on edge, and understandably so. But how are the children going to handle all this?

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Winter bugs and viruses are usually mild, but can sometimes become more serious. It can be hard to know what to do when your baby or child is ill and when you can manage this at home or need to see a doctor or nurse for more help.

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Here at Just One Norfolk, we are dedicated to providing children and young people's health services to the community. Find out more about our services

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Inside I' Hurting provides educational professionals with a much-needed classroom handbook of new strategies, practical tools and the confidence for supporting these children from an attachment perspective, thus promoting inclusion in the school system. Contents include: how attachment difficulties can affect a child's ability to learn; providing an 'additional attachment figure' in schools; the benefits and challenges of getting alongside children who have experienced trauma and loss; transitions during the school day; permanency and constancy; being explicit; regulating arousal levels; handling conflict; wondering aloud; lowering the effects of shame; working with transition from primary to secondary phase; developing effective home/school partnership (includes a photocopiable initial meeting prompt card); providing staff support; recommendations for future action.

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Louise explores how to facilitate quality moments of relationship with children and young people that genuinely reach them, where they are, recognising the impact of trauma on their emotional state, mental functioning and ability, or lack of it, to trust the adults. She helps identify the best way to work so that we can teach curriculum as well as healthy behaviours. Honouring biology by building on Perry s (2006) neuro -developmental sequence, Louise provides numerous creative ways of being and doing for those wanting to ensure school is as inclusive as it can be.

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SELF REGULATION IN BABIES AND YOUNG CHILDREN

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SELF REGULATION IN BABIES AND YOUNG CHILDREN

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This essential handbook for all early years practitioners provides a wider awareness of self-regulation in babies and young children. It emphasises the importance of giving children positive attachments and empathy, and provides fun ideas of how to promote coping strategies for them.

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She gives practical advice about how to support children in learning all aspects of positive behaviour while they are in your early years setting. She explores the different behaviours that children need to learn and develop in order to be happy and successful learners in their future school careers and beyond. From learning how to share, to learning how to pay attention; from learning how to be responsible, to learning how to be kind.

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Allen Sabey, PhD
Postdoctoral Clinical Fellow An 8-year-old boy comes home from school crying about how a friend said he did not want to be the boy's friend anymore. A 14-year-old girl's grandmother just passed away and she hasn't come out of her room for three days. A 16-year-old boy argues with his parents about not letting him stay out later with his friends.
Imagine the following scenarios:
The Importance of Responding Well to Children's Emotional Distress
A 3-year-old girl begins yelling in a grocery store because her mother said she cannot have the cereal she wants.

These types of emotional moments in children's lives shape their ongoing development and future well-being. More specifically, it is in the accumulation of these moments that children learn about their emotions and how to deal with them (Sroufe, 2000). What children learn from these experiences will either support constructive ways of dealing with their emotions, or hinder their ability to manage their emotions in healthy ways. The experiences children have in this regard are largely influenced by how their parents or caregivers respond to them in such moments of distress (Cunningham, Kliewer, & Garner, 2009).

The tenor of the emotional environment in which children are raised has life-lasting effects for them (Valliant, 2012; Waldinger & Schulz, 2016). This emotional environment influences children's brain development and their ability to regulate their emotions (Cassidy, 1994; Perry, 2002; Shonkoff & Phillips, 2000). Emotion regulation can be defined as "the ability to respond to the ongoing demands of experience with the range of emotions in a manner that is socially tolerable and sufficiently flexible to permit spontaneous reactions as well as the ability to delay spontaneous reactions as needed" (Cole, Michel, & Teti, 1994, p.76). In other words, emotion regulation is the process by which individuals influence which emotions they have, when they have them, and how they experience and express them (Gross, 2013).

For example, a child's emotion regulation skills can be observed by what a child does when he or she feels sad - whether he or she can express that sadness in a constructive way, or suppresses and hides the sadness. Healthy emotion regulation abilities are critical, because they affect a child's cognitive abilities, as well as the quality of his or her interpersonal relationships (Calkins, 1994; Lemerise & Arsenio, 2000).

Although children are born with different emotional temperaments, the ability to appropriately manage difficult emotions is not an innate ability that some children are born with and some are not (Goldsmith & Davidson, 2004; Kiff, Lengua, & Zalewski, 2011; Mirabile, Scaramella, Sohr-Preston, & Robison, 2009). It is primarily learned through accumulated experiences, especially experiences early in life. Children learn how to regulate their emotions through the process by which their parents or caregivers respond to their distress (Davidov & Grusec, 2006; Eisenberg, Cumberland, & Spinrad, 1998; Fabes, Leonard, Kupanoff, & Martin, 2001; Kopp 1989). Children deal with emotional distress in healthy ways to the extent that their parents or caregivers help them deal with their distress in healthy ways
Emotion Coaching for Children
Children can often feel overwhelmed and confused by their strong emotions. Their brains are not yet developed with the ability to calm themselves, think through a situation or experience, and decide how to best respond (Shonkoff & Phillips, 2000). Children need to feel emotionally and physically safe to feel, explore, and understand their feelings (Sroufe, 2000). How parents respond to their children's negative emotions will shape how their children deal with those emotions and how they act when they are distressed.

Research with preschoolers, elementary school-age children, and adolescents demonstrate that the ways parents respond to their children's emotions is strongly related to children's social behavior, internalizing symptoms, and behavior problems (Katz & Hunter, 2007; Katz & Windecker-Nelson, 2006; McElwain, Halberstadt, & Volling, 2007; Shipman et al., 2007; Stocker, Richmond, Rhoades, & Kiang, 2007). When children are emotionally distressed and their caregivers ignore, dismiss, or criticize them, children become confused and unable to manage their uncomfortable emotional experiences in healthy and constructive ways. For example, if a child is feeling sad but does not have anyone who understands and empathically talks to him or her about this feeling, it would not be surprising for the child to misbehave or act defiantly (Cavanagh, Quinn, Duncan, Graham, & Balbuena, 2014; Dunsmore, Booker, & Ollendick, 2013).

One approach that can help parents respond to their children's distress in a healthy way is called Emotion Coaching (Gottman, Katz & Hooven, 1996). This approach has received strong empirical support and is encouraged by many current parenting experts (Havighurst, Wilson, Harley, Kehoe, Efron, & Prior, 2013; Lunkenheimer, Shields, & Cortina, 2007; Markham, 2012; McDowell, Kim, O'Neil & Parke, 2002; Siegal & Bryson, 2011). This approach can be described in four steps:

First, parents need to see their children's emotional distress as an opportunity to connect with them (Gottman et al., 1996). Parents often do not want their children to feel painful emotions. Although this sentiment is well-intentioned, parents' efforts are often wholly focused on stopping their children from feeling whatever it is they are feeling. Parents may use a variety of strategies to do this, including ignoring the distress, distracting (e.g.,

"ooh, look at this book over here!"), reframing ("Your

sister didn't really mean what she said"), or

rationalizing ("It isn't a big deal. You have plenty of

other friends"). Although some of these might be

helpful after the child is calm, in moments of distress,

the parent's goal should be to help the child understand

what they are feeling. Children who are helped in this

way learn to become resilient as they face emotional

challenges throughout their lives (Shonkoff & Phillips, 2000).

Connecting with children in these moments will also promote

children's ability to follow parents' instructions and advice.

Internally, a child will feel, "Since you care about what I am saying

and feeling, I will care about what you are saying and feeling."

Second, parents can help children name their feelings (Gottman et al., 1996). Parents should help children identify their feelings. It is useful to label the emotion out loud for two reasons - first, so the child knows the parent understands what he or she is feeling, and second, so that he or she learns that what he or she is feeling has a name. For example, a parent might say, "It looks like you are really sad," "I can see that you are pretty mad right now," or "You're kind of scared of that, huh?" This step requires parents to be attuned to what their children are feeling. They must be aware of and able to accurately read their children's emotional cues. Here's a list of some basic negative feelings to identify and name: angry, sad, hurt, afraid, confused, upset, disappointed, worried, discouraged, guilty, lonely, and ashamed.

Third, validate the feeling (Gottman et al.,1996). Children need to trust that their parents will be there for them no matter what they are feeling. To do this, parents should put themselves in their child's shoes, and express their understanding of the child's distress. Parents should tell the child that they understand why he or she is sad (or mad, or scared) by using the word because. For example, "You're sad because you really wanted that toy, huh? That toy looks really cool and special and fun. That would probably make me sad too if I couldn't have a really fun toy that I wanted."

It is important to note that all children's feelings are acceptable, because feelings provide important information about what is happening in the world. Some parents may believe that the way a child is feeling is irrational or immature, and that by validating and understanding the feeling, it will make matters worse. However, telling a child not to feel something (e.g., "Don't be sad", "There's no reason to be upset") rarely makes a child feel better. In this step, parents should avoid telling the child to "look on the bright side," or trying to logically explain to the child why he or she should feel differently. Rather, feeling understood in the hard moments is what will help the child feel comforted and be able to calm down. Validation is soothing. As a result, children feel less confused and learn they can trust their feelings as helpful information. They will also feel more connected, and more likely to come to the parent when upset in the future.

It is also important that parents learn to empathize with children's positive emotions. Sharing joy and fun with parents is crucial for children's development (Ginsberg, 2007; MacDonald, 1992). Expressing admiration or pride in children's efforts and achievements, and participating in enjoyable activities together, are some simple ways that parents can express empathy for children's positive emotions.

Finally, if a child is pretending to feel something, parents should avoid validating the pretend emotion. Instead, understand and talk about why the child might be pretending. For example, a parent in this situation might say, "It seems like you are being dishonest with me because you're really kind of scared or embarrassed about something."

Finally, problem solve together (Gottman et al.,

1996). Once the child's feelings have been identified,

parents need to help the child meet his or her

emotional needs. One way to do this is to initiate a

conversation with the child about what could be done

to help the situation. When considering various ways to

make the situation better, parents can prompt their

children to come up with possible solutions

themselves. For example, parents can ask something
Emotion Coaching in the Context of Children's Misbehavior
like, "What do you think we should do now?"

Parents can also offer ideas or suggestions, such as providing a hug when sad or offering support when a child needs to confront a difficult situation. This step is important, but should be taken only after the child has felt validated, has calmed down, and can reasonably think about what might be helpful in the situation.
Challenges in Implementing Emotion Coaching
Although all children's feelings are acceptable, not all of their behaviors or actions are. Children need to learn that what they are feeling does not inevitably dictate what they do. Emotion coaching does not equate to permissiveness. If a child has misbehaved or acted in an inappropriate way, parents still need to hold clear expectations for appropriate behavior. A challenging task is for parents to evaluate and decide what their child needs, especially when that happens to conflict with what the child wants.

Children are most likely to demonstrate appropriate feelings and behavior when parents are both highly warm and consistently firm. Validating a feeling does not imply that a parent must give in to a demand or desire. For example, if a child does not want to go to school, a parent can work to understand and validate why the child does not want to go to school, while still requiring the child to go to school: "School is tough sometimes, especially when kids are mean and you feel left out. Feeling left out is probably one of the hardest feelings ever, huh? I think I probably wouldn't want to go to school if I were you, too. But I can't let you stay home, because school is really important. What do you think we can do to help make going to school easier for you?"

Emotion coaching is often difficult for parents, because parents must understand that children's distress is an opportunity to teach them better ways of managing their emotions. This may feel unnatural and uncomfortable, especially if it was not role modeled by one's own parents. However, with practice it gets easier and feels more natural.

If parents have difficulty managing their own negative emotions, it will be particularly challenging for them to help their children with negative emotions. Children's intense negative emotionality can often trigger parents' difficult emotions from the past, making it hard for parents to calmly accept and acknowledge their children's experience (Hoffman, Marvin, Cooper, & Powell, 2006). If parents' own parents were critical, dismissing, or uncaring in the face of their emotions, they will need to have patience with themselves as they learn to calmly accept and work through their child's difficult emotions.
Conclusion
Another potential challenge to emotion coaching are children's unique personalities and emotional needs. Some children are born with a more difficult temperament, which means that they may be more difficult to soothe or more prone to anxiety (Buss, 2011; Goldsmith & Davidson, 2004). These children require more patience and perseverance from their parents as they deal with those difficult emotions.

Finally, factors such as poverty, discrimination, single parenthood, or other difficult life situations can create additional stress for parents, which in turn makes it more challenging for them to remain calm and emotionally connected with their children. Parents in these situations should seek support where available, and trust that any effort to emotionally connect with their child will be beneficial. Parents will never perfectly coach their children through all their emotions in every situation. Rather, being "good enough" as a parent is good enough.

Children need parents who can be both sensitive and strong in the face of their emotional distress. To do this, parents need to acknowledge their child's negative feelings, and respond with empathy. Finally, in all of this, parents need to consider the age and development of their children, as children will need different types of responses at different stages of development (Klimes-Dougan et al., 2007).

In conclusion, let's revisit some of the scenarios described earlier, to illustrate how emotion coaching might work in those situations:

To the 3-year-old girl screaming in the grocery store, a possible emotion coaching response could be: "You really, really want that cereal, don't you? That cereal is really good, and you love it, and so it's not easy when you really want it and you don't get it. That makes you pretty angry, huh?"

To the 8-year-old boy who is crying about perceived rejection from a friend: "You are really sad because your friend hurt your feelings, huh? I've had good friends who weren't always kind to me too. What do you think you could do?"
References
To the 14-year-old girl whose grandmother just passed away: "You're grieving because you loved grandma so much and she loved you. Is that right?"

And, to the 16-year-old boy upset about not going out with his friends: "I know it makes you really angry when we don't let you stay out later than your curfew. It's tough to have to be home earlier than your friends because you feel like you are missing out. But we feel that it's important that you come home at the time we decided. Do you have any ideas about how to make it easier?"

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family institute at northwestern university

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Supporting Children in Distress: The Power of Parental Emotion Coaching

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Allen Sabey, PhD Postdoctoral Clinical Fellow An 8-year-old boy comes home from school crying about how a friend said he did not want to be the boy's friend anymore. A 14-year-old girl's grandmother just passed away and she hasn't come out of her room for three days.

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This resource may help if you are trying to understand and support children that are adopted or are being looked after by the local authorities 

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Adopted children are more than twice as likely to receive poor GCSE results. Understanding the implications of attachment is important early on

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This books helps children to realise that for people who love each other the invisible string will always connection them regardless of how far apart they might be.

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Skip to content

-PARENTS MAGAZINE

" The Invisible String by Patrice Karst is a heartwarming story that reassures children that even though they can't always be with a loved one, they're always in each other's hearts."

-TONY ROBBINS

THE INVISIBLE STRING book is "a beautiful way to begin to try, as parents, to instill in children the impenetrable power of the heart, the energy of love, and the flow that can be felt from the grace in every moment."

―United Way (Life Lessons for Little Ones)

"If I could only have one book to use for counseling purposes, this would be it. This book is extremely versatile. It can be used for any type of separation, loss."

―The American Academy of Pediatrics

"Delivers a particularly compelling message in today's uncertain times that though we may be separated from the ones we care for, love is the unending connection that binds us all."

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The Invisible String Book - Patrice Karst | Loneliness | Loss

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Skip to content -PARENTS MAGAZINE " The Invisible String by Patrice Karst is a heartwarming story that reassures children that even though they can't always be with a loved one, they're always in each other's hearts."

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Bronfenbrenners Ecological Systems Theory (1979) or bioecological theory explains the importance of the environment as child grown up and how it can effect development. Tamsin Grimmer uses this theory to talk about her loving pedagogy where feeling loved is empowering and makes us ready to learn.

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Bronfenbrenner's ecological systems theory posits that an individual's development is influenced by a series of interconnected environmental systems, ranging from the immediate surroundings (e.g., family) to broad societal structures (e.g., culture).

These systems include the microsystem, mesosystem, exosystem, macrosystem, and chronosystem, each representing different levels of environmental influences on an individual's growth and behavior.

Background

American psychologist Urie Bronfenbrenner was critical of previous theories of child development.

He argued that studies of children in unfamiliar laboratory environments with one other person, usually a stranger, were ecologically invalid (See Mary Ainsworth's 1970 experiment of the ' Strange Situation ').

Bronfenbrenner (1974) claimed most earlier studies were 'unidirectional,' meaning that the laboratory studies observed the influence of A on B (e.g., a stranger/mother with a child) rather than looking at the possible influence of the child on the stranger/mother, or any other third party's influence.

Bronfenbrenner maintained that these laboratory features of research are not characteristic of environments that children actually live and develop in.

Bronfenbrenner recognized multiple aspects of a developing child's life interact with and affects the child. His work looked beyond individual development, taking into account wider influencing factors and the context (or ecology) of development.

He proposed the 'Ecological Systems Theory' based on these dynamic interactions that the environments have on the developing child.

Bronfenbrenner's (1974) perspective has some resemblance to the works of Albert Bandura's social learning theory and Lev Vygotsky's sociocultural theory in which the environment is explicitly or implicitly considered as a crucial mechanism in development.

The Five Ecological Systems

Bronfenbrenner (1977) suggested that the child's environment is a nested arrangement of structures, each contained within the next. He organized them in order of how much of an impact they have on a child.

He named these structures the microsystem, mesosystem, exosystem, macrosystem and the chronosystem.

Because the five systems are interrelated, the influence of one system on a child's development depends on its relationship with the others.

The Microsystem

The microsystem is the ﬁrst level of Bronfenbrenner's theory and are the things that have direct contact with the child in their immediate environment, such as parents, siblings, teachers, and school peers.

Relationships in a microsystem are bi-directional, meaning other people can influence the child in their environment and change other people's beliefs and actions.

Furthermore, the child's reactions to individuals in their microsystem can influence how they treat them in return.

The interactions within microsystems are often very personal and are crucial for fostering and supporting the child's development.

If a child has a strong nurturing relationship with their parents, this is said to positively affect the child. Whereas distant and unaffectionate parents may hurt the child.

The Mesosystem

The mesosystem encompasses the interactions between the child's microsystems, such as the interactions between the child's parents and teachers or between school peers and siblings.

The mesosystem is where a person's individual microsystems do not function independently, but are interconnected and assert inﬂuence upon one another.

For instance, if a child's parents communicate with the child's teachers, this interaction may influence the child's development. Essentially, a mesosystem is a system of microsystems.

According to the ecological systems theory, if the child's parents and teachers get along and have a good relationship, this should have positive effects on the child's development, compared to negative effects on development if the teachers and parents do not get along.

The Exosystem

The exosystem is a component of the ecological systems theory developed by Urie Bronfenbrenner in the 1970s.

It incorporates other formal and informal social structures, which do not themselves contain the child but indirectly influence them as these social structures affect one of the microsystems.

Examples of exosystems include the neighborhood, parents' workplaces, parents' friends, and the mass media. These are environments in which the child is not involved and are external to their experience but nonetheless affect them anyway.

An instance of exosystems affecting the child's development could be if one of the parents had a dispute with their boss at work.

The parent may come home and have a short temper with the child as a result of something which happened in the workplace, which may result in a negative effect on development.

The Macrosystem

The macrosystem is a component of Bronfenbrenner's ecological systems theory that focuses on how cultural elements affect a child's development, such as socioeconomic status, wealth, poverty, and ethnicity.

Thus, the culture that individuals are immersed within may influence their beliefs and perceptions about events that transpire in life.

The macrosystem differs from the previous ecosystems as it does not refer to the specific environments of one developing child, but the already established society and culture in which the child is developing in.

This can also include the socioeconomic status, ethnicity, geographic location, and ideologies of the culture.

For example, a child living in a third-world country would experience a different development than a child living in a wealthier country.

The Chronosystem

The fifth and final level of Bronfenbrenner's ecological systems theory is known as the chronosystem.

This system consists of all the environmental changes that influence development over the lifetime, including major life transitions and historical events.

These can include normal life transitions, such as starting school, and non-normative life transitions, such as parents getting divorced or having to move to a new house.

The Bioecological Model

It is important to note that Bronfenbrenner (1994) later revised his theory and instead named it the 'Bioecological model'.

Bronfenbrenner became more concerned with the proximal development processes, meaning the enduring and persistent forms of interaction in the immediate environment.

His focus shifted from environmental influences to developmental processes individuals experience over time.

'...development takes place through the process of progressively more complex reciprocal interactions between an active, evolving biopsychological human organism and the persons, objects, and symbols in its immediate external environment.' (Bronfenbrenner, 1995).

Bronfenbrenner also suggested that to understand the effect of these proximal processes on development, we have to focus on the person, context, and developmental outcome, as these processes vary and affect people differently (Bronfenbrenner & Evans, 2000).

Critical Evaluation

Bronfenbrenner's model quickly became very appealing and accepted as a useful framework for psychologists, sociologists, and teachers studying child development.

The Ecological Systems Theory provides a holistic approach that is inclusive of all the systems children and their families are involved in, accurately reflecting the dynamic nature of actual family relationships (Hayes & O'Toole, 2017).

Paat (2013) considers how Bronfenbrenner's theory is useful when it comes to the development of immigrant children. They suggest that immigrant children's experiences in the various ecological systems are likely to be shaped by their cultural differences. Understanding these children's ecology can aid in strengthening social work service delivery for these children.

A limitation of the Ecological Systems Theory is that there is limited research examining the mesosystems, mainly the interactions between neighborhoods and the family of the child (Leventhal & Brooks-Gunn, 2000). Therefore, the extent to which these systems can shape child development is unclear.

Another limitation of Bronfenbrenner's theory is that it is difficult to empirically test the theory. The studies investigating the ecological systems may establish an effect, but they cannot establish whether the systems directly cause such effects.

Furthermore, this theory can lead to assumptions that those who do not have strong and positive ecological systems lack in development. Whilst this may be true in some cases, many people can still develop into well-rounded individuals without positive influences from their ecological systems.

For instance, it is not true to say that all people who grow up in poverty-stricken areas of the world will develop negatively. Similarly, if a child's teachers and parents do not get along, some children may not experience any negative effects if it does not concern them.

As a result, people need to avoid making broad assumptions about individuals using this theory.

Bronfenbrenner's Theory in the 21st Century

The world has greatly changed since this theory was introduced regarding technological developments.

The exosystem of a child could be expanded to consider influences from social media, video gaming, and other modern-day interactions within the ecological system.

This could suggest that the ecological systems are still valid but may expand over time to include new modern developments.

Kelly and Coughlan (2019) used constructivist grounded theory analysis to develop a theoretical framework for youth mental health recovery and found that there were many links to Bronfenbrenner's ecological systems theory in their own more recent theory.

Their theory suggested that the components of mental health recovery are embedded in the 'ecological context of influential relationships,' which fits in with Bronfenbrenner's theory that the ecological systems of the young person, such as peers, family, and school, all help mental health development.

Classroom Application

The Ecological Systems Theory has been used to link psychological and educational theory to early educational curriculums and practice. The developing child is at the center of the theory, and all that occurs within and between the five ecological systems are done to benefit the child in the classroom.

According to the theory, teachers and parents should maintain good communication with each other and work together to benefit the child to strengthen the development of the ecological systems in educational practice.

Teachers should also be understanding of the situations their student's families may be experiencing, including social and economic factors that are part of the various systems.

According to the theory, if parents and teachers have a good relationship, this should positively shape the child's development.

Likewise, the child must be active in their learning, both academically and socially. They must collaborate with their peers and participate in meaningful learning experiences to enable positive development (Evans, 2012).

Empirical Evidence

There are lots of studies that have investigated the effects of the school environment on students. Below are some examples:

Lippard, LA Paro, Rouse, and Crosby (2017) conducted a study to test Bronfenbrenner's theory. They investigated the teacher-child relationships through teacher reports and classroom observations.

They found that these relationships were significantly related to children's academic achievement and classroom behavior, suggesting that these relationships are important for children's development and supports the Ecological Systems Theory.

Wilson et al. (2002) found that creating a positive school environment, through a school ethos valuing diversity has a positive effect on students' relationships within the school. Incorporating this kind of school ethos influences those within the developing child's ecological systems.

Langford et al. (2014) found that whole-school approaches to the health curriculum can positively improve educational achievement and student well-being. Thus, the development of the students is being affected by the microsystems.

Frequently Asked Questions

References

Bronfenbrenner, U. (1974). Developmental research, public policy, and the ecology of childhood. Child development, 45 (1), 1-5.

Bronfenbrenner, U. (1977). Toward an experimental ecology of human development. American psychologist, 32 (7), 513.

Bronfenbrenner, U. (1995). Developmental ecology through space and time: A future perspective.

Bronfenbrenner, U., & Evans, G. W. (2000). Developmental science in the 21st century: Emerging questions, theoretical models, research designs and empirical findings . Social development, 9 (1), 115-125.

Bronfenbrenner, U., & Ceci, S. J. (1994). Nature-nurture reconceptualised: A bio-ecological model. Psychological Review, 10 (4), 568-586.

Hayes, N., O'Toole, L., & Halpenny, A. M. (2017). Introducing Bronfenbrenner: A guide for practitioners and students in early years education. Taylor & Francis.

Kelly, M., & Coughlan, B. (2019). A theory of youth mental health recovery from a parental perspective. Child and Adolescent Mental Health, 24 (2), 161-169.

Langford, R., Bonell, C. P., Jones, H. E., Pouliou, T., Murphy, S. M., Waters, E., Komro, A. A., Gibbs, L. F., Magnus, D. & Campbell, R. (2014). The WHO Health Promoting School framework for improving the health and well‐being of students and their academic achievement. Cochrane database of systematic reviews, (4).

Leventhal, T., & Brooks-Gunn, J. (2000). The neighborhoods they live in: the effects of neighborhood residence on child and adolescent outcomes. Psychological Bulletin, 126 (2), 309.

Lippard, C. N., La Paro, K. M., Rouse, H. L., & Crosby, D. A. (2018, February). A closer look at teacher-child relationships and classroom emotional context in preschool. In Child & Youth Care Forum 47(1), 1-21.

Paat, Y. F. (2013). Working with immigrant children and their families: An application of Bronfenbrenner's ecological systems theory. Journal of Human Behavior in the Social Environment, 23 (8), 954-966.

Rhodes, S. (2013). Bronfenbrenner's Ecological Theory [PDF]. Retrieved from http://uoit.blackboard.com

Wilson, P., Atkinson, M., Hornby, G., Thompson, M., Cooper, M., Hooper, C. M., & Southall, A. (2002). Young minds in our schools-a guide for teachers and others working in schools. Year: YoungMinds (Jan 2004).

Further Information
Bronfenbrenner, U. (1974). Developmental research, public policy, and the ecology of childhood. Child Development, 45.

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Bronfenbrenner's Ecological Systems Theory posits that an individual's development is influenced by a series of interconnected environmental systems, ranging from the immediate surroundings (e.g., family) to broad societal structures (e.g., culture). These systems include the Microsystem, Mesosystem, Exosystem, Macrosystem, and Chronosystem, each representing different levels of environmental influences on an individual's growth and behavior.

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Tamsin Grimmer advocates for a 'loving pedagogy' which she bases partly on Bronfenbrenners theory relating to the importance of environment on development. Grimmer says that we must keep children central and families valued in our practice as we offer agency and advocacy within our support.

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There has never been a more important time to prioritise children's wellbeing and nurture them. This calls for us to develop a 'loving pedagogy' and speak the language of love!
Although we do not always use the word love , we have a professional love for the children in our care and we want them to feel secure, loved and valued. As educators, we would feel devastated if anything happened to one of our children and saying goodbye when they leave our setting for pastures new is always a heart-wrenching time!

Oh! And if you want to watch Tamsin's webinar on the subject - you can access our previous webinars from here: https://mailchi.mp/d0b1e7b3ed0c/kinderlywebinars

What do we mean by loving the children in our care? Consider how a parent loves their child, the intense strength of emotion involved and the way they are committed to caring for and protecting them, putting their child's needs before their own. Love is about having intense feelings for our children but it is also about actions and not the emotion involved.For example, it's about putting the needs of children first, holding them in mind and enjoying playing together.

A few years ago I read about love languages, the idea that we all prefer to give and receive love in different ways. For example, a child might say, 'Well, my mum tells me she loves me, but she never spends any time with me' or, 'My dad plays with me but he has never hugged me...'

According to Chapman and Campbell, there are five love languages:

They suggest that if we can identify our children's love languages then we can speak the same language as them and reassure them that they are loved. The same can apply in our early childhood settings - if we consider how our children prefer to give and receive love we can build better attachments and enable them to feel safe and secure. Here are some ideas of how we can identify and then speak the same language as our children:

Children who respond to verbal praise and encouragement. For example, a child who glows with pride when you have praised their contribution.Offering words of affirmation to a child makes them feel proud, worthy and valued. So tell them that they are special and regularly use words of endearment and affection towards them and cheer them on in games, verbally encouraging them when they try to achieve things. You can also praise their efforts by labelling the praise, for example, 'Wow, I love the colours you have chosen!'

Children who want to spend time with you.For example, a child who actively seeks out adult attention and wants to be near you in the setting. Spending quality time with a child tells them that they are important and that we want to spend time with them. So include them in daily activities, listen and respond to their attention-seeking behaviour, it means that they need more attention and make time to chat with them about their interests and fascinations.

Children who want to be cuddled hugged or held and want to cuddle, hug and hold others. For example, a child who sits on your lap, holds your hand, strokes your back, or snuggles into you during a story. Offering children positive physical touch makes children feel wanted, loved and helps to build a secure attachment.So always greet them by getting down to their level and offer a hug, high five or fist bump. Allow them to cuddle up or sit on your lap during a story and offer them opportunities for positive touch such running lotion into their hands or engaging in a 'thumb-war' for fun!

Children who love to give and receive gifts and presents. For example, a child who brings you a treasured stone in the garden and tells you that you can keep it! Offering children gifts in addition to other love languages can reinforce the idea that you care.So hold the child in mind and make resources specifically for them or collect a conker from the garden and offer it to them.You can also value the 'treasures' that they give us for example, put that feather on display!

Children who like to do things for others and enjoy having things done for them. For example, a child who offers to help you or who is thrilled when you offer to get them their shoes or coat.We are often teaching children to be independent, however, in order to feel loved and cared for some children want to be physically looked after through acts of service.So plan to do things specifically for them and ask them to help with tasks.If a child asks for help, respond sensitively, decide if their emotional tank needs refuelling and if it does, jump in to help!

Now we understand a bit more about the types of love languages there are, here are my top 10 tips for developing a loving pedagogy with young children:

1. Read stories and books which include love, such as, 'While we can't hug' by Eoin MacLaughlin, 'Under the love umbrella' by Davina Bell and 'The Invisible String' by Patrice Karst.

2. Use positive, affirming and encouraging language e.g. labelled praise and words that build self-esteem.

3. Listen to children, value their ideas and, whenever possible, act upon them.

4. Create resources or plan activities with specific children in mind, reminding them they are special.

5. Do something to help the children e.g. finding their shoes or mending the broken toy that they love.

6. Give children appropriate 'gifts' e.g. a daisy or special stone in the outside area.

7. Help children to understand the concept of love by talking about people who love them and how to act in loving and caring ways.

8. Role model acting in a loving and caring way ourselves.

9. Make pictures for other people, create letters and cards for others and send them in the post.

10. Lastly, spent time together, have fun and enjoy each other's company!

-

Chapman, G. and Campbell, R. (2012). The 5 love languages of children. Chicago, IL: Northfield Publishing

5 love languages website: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Professional Love in Early Years Settings Research Project: https://pleysproject.wordpress.com/

Tamsin Grimmer is an experienced early years consultant and author who has a keen interest in how young children learn and develop. Her master's research considered the place of love in early childhood settings and she is currently writing a book about developing a loving pedagogy. When not writing or researching, Tamsin works part-time on the Primary and Early Years PGCE courses at Bath Spa University and is the early years director for Linden Learning.

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10 Top tips for developing a 'loving pedagogy' - Kinderly

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There has never been a more important time to prioritise children's wellbeing and nurture them. This calls for us to develop a 'loving pedagogy' and speak the language of love! Although we do not always use the word love , we have a professional love for the children in our care and we want them to feel secure, loved and valued.

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Making space for children s agency with playful learning

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This is a great webinar talking about how we need to keep and use our understanding about child development as we approach post pandemic settings

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Little Lockdowners | Full Webinar | Watch On-Demand

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Alice talks about the importance of connections - Do you know me? can I trust you? are our environments about happiness and connection?

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This is an app to help parents with self-regulation - there is a cost to this app which has a 2 week free trial - but there are also free lesson plans with resources and other information in the blogs that you may find useful

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Wondergrade supports all members of your family through short emotion regulation and mindfulness activities and 5 min Parent Play audio clips, giving you a new game plan every week.

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This is a selection of free resources that support a nurturing approach and can be used with children or with staff as CPD

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Download over 50 FREE social emotional learning activities for kids, like feelings scales, an SEL journal, and self-regulation calming tools.

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Observing Children with Attachment Difficulties in Preschool Settings

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Observing Children with Attachment Difficulties in Preschool Settings

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This book is an introduction to attachment and child development to help early years professionals provide appropriate support.

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A Tool for Identifying and Supporting Emotional and Social Difficulties

This child observation tool has been designed to help structure observations of children with emotional and behavioural difficulties in early years settings. Simple checklists and diagrams help to identify particular behavioural patterns and attachment issues, and appropriate interventions. Handouts with activities are also included.

For preschool children with emotional difficulties arising from difficulties in attachment, standard observations used in early years settings are not always helpful in identifying their problems and providing guidance on how they can be helped.

Combining an accessible introduction to attachment and child development with a child observation tool for identifying behaviour, and the emotional needs underlying this behaviour, this book enables early years professionals to identify problems and provide appropriate support. 'Case study' boxes help to illustrate typical patterns of attachment, and all aspects of behaviour are covered including play, interaction with peers, neediness and aggression. Written in clear, concise language, Observing Children with Attachment Difficulties in Preschool Settings aims to equip the reader with the knowledge and skills needed to identify and support children's emotional and social difficulties.

Suitable for use with children aged 2-5, this will be an invaluable resource for early years professionals, as well as clinicians, teachers and learning support staff.

Information

Publisher: Jessica Kingsley Publishers

Date: Dec 2012

ISBN: 978-1-84905-337-2

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Observing Children with Attachment Difficulties in Preschool Settings - Kim S. Golding

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This child observation tool has been designed to help structure observations of children with emotional and behavioural difficulties in early years settings. Simple checklists and diagrams help to identify particular behavioural patterns and attachment issues, and appropriate interventions. Handouts with activities are also included.

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Whether it's a loved one far away or a parent in the next room this delightful book illustrates a new way to cope with something all children and parents confront sooner or later; a child's fear of loneliness and separation. Here is a warm and delightful lesson teaching young and old that we aren't ever really alone.

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That's impossible said twins Jeremy & Liza after their Mum told them they're all connected by this thing called an Invisible String. What kind of string? They asked with a puzzled look to which Mum replied An Invisible String made of love. That's where the story begins. A story that teaches of th...

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Attachment explained through Mary Ainsworth's strange situation 

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Attachment explained through Mary Ainsworth's strange situation 

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This short video explains using visuals that experiment that Mary Ainsworth (who worked with Bowlby) carried out initially to find out more about attachment - it is a strange situation and the experiment has it's critics but it the reaction of the children to the situation began a whole lot more research into attachment.

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Secure and insecure attachment | Individuals and Society | MCAT | Khan Academy

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This is a fantastic handbook that links PSED with attachment and give activities, reflections and tips to practitioners on this prime area of the curriculum

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This company uses dance and movement to support and engage children in a way that enhances that relationship and brings joy, and self-esteem and self-awareness to the child. Liz is interested in Jools Page work on professional love and has used Daniel Hewitt's work on intensive interaction mixed with creative movement that shares power and honors the child.This is about those times holding space for children even if wordless and non-verbal that is used to allow practitioners to tune in to a child's needs and support that relationship of 'professional love' in fun and achievable ways e.g. dancing, moving, copying, laughing over activities. The video within the blog is lovely.

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Have you ever been in love? Where the feeling is that no-one else exists apart form you and the object of your affection. Where the two of you are wholly focussed on each other and the rest of the world melts away.

Islands of Intimacy in early years are just that. They are spaces that occur between two people where there is connection, trust and a shared experience. Where movements, eye contact, facial expressions are in complete harmony.

You can see those moments often when people dance together, especially when that dancing together is about what Mine Conkbayir talks about in her recent book "Early Childhood and Neuroscience" as

The term 'Island on Intimacy' was developed by Elinor Goldschmied. Her writing and thinking influenced the Key Person approach in early years settings and had a strong impact on the contemporary Early Years Foundation Stage. She advocated for focused interaction specifically organised to respond to very young children's need for close relationships with the keyworkers which is characterised by a flow of meaningful interaction.

These two 30 second videos show staff at Loughborough Campus Nursery experiencing Islands of Intimacy. They are beautiful moments where the connection between the adult and child is palpable and moving.

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Island of Intimacy - Our Creative Adventure

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Have you ever been in love? Where the feeling is that no-one else exists apart form you and the object of your affection. Where the two of you are wholly focussed on each other and the rest of the world melts away. Islands of Intimacy in early years are just that.

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This is a good introduction to Jools Page idea around professional love. An idea that supports and builds on Bowlby's theory of attachment and talks about how important those connections are. Have a look at 'creative adventures' blog on this Padlet and the idea of 'Islands of Intimacy' to gain the ideas around why, when children are in our care, that the connection is so important and supports their development in making relationships.

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The term 'professional love' was coined by Dr Jools Page as part of a research project, talking to Early Years professionals across England during 2015. One of the aims of Dr Jools Page and her team was to investigate whether media coverage around sex abuse scandals had resulted in wariness and impacted on relationships with the children in our care. She wanted to understand how professionals felt about 'loving' children in a professional capacity.

The survey, completed by 793 professionals, was ground-breaking. The results found that 95% of professionals believed that demonstrating affection towards children was an important part of practice in Early Years. Unfortunately, 10% of respondents worried about false accusations.

Interestingly, respondents gave lots of different meanings to the term 'professional love' which is what we are going to consider now...

What does professional love look like in the current Early Years climate?

Perhaps the word 'love' has connotations that some professionals feel uncomfortable with. Could there be confusion between the love expressed between parent and child and that seen and felt in Early Years settings? Love can be displayed often without us even realising.
How many of us respond to the needs of children with...

Cuddles

Touch

Time and attention

Respect

Tuning in

A desire to help a child achieve their best

Encouragement

Praise

Celebrating achievements

Pride

As professionals, we are complimenting the love and care children experience with their primary care giver. However, there are two important points to consider here...

1. Not all children have loving, secure attachments with their primary caregiver. These children may need and require a different approach from us in order to diminish the effects. Children require a safe space, a haven where their needs are met and emotional stress minimised.

2. Professionals will have had different experiences, as a child and adult. Our ability to express and reciprocate professional love can be affected by our prior lived experiences. We need to focus on the needs of the child rather than our own. If a child needs a cuddle, we can provide this, but if we need a cuddle, it is not appropriate to use a child to meet our emotional needs.

Why is professional love important in Early Years?

All children need and deserve to have their emotional needs met whilst in our care. Our role is to nurture, enable and value children, respecting that each child is unique, joining us with different experiences and needs, some of which we may not be aware of.
Professional love enables children to...

Develop emotionally

Become resilient

Understand that they are valued, helping them feel worthwhile

Feel safe and secure, enabling them to feel relaxed and happy to play and learn

Our child centred positive interactions should be the foundation of everything in Early Years. Professional love, therefore, must be embedded in the culture and ethos of the setting, demonstrating a commitment to meeting the emotional needs of children.
Supervision

Meeting the needs of our very youngest children in the education system can be stressful, tiring and emotionally draining. Recognising the strain on professionals means our focus should be on supervision processes and the adequacy of these. We must acknowledge whether professionals are emotionally able to engage in professionally loving practices as well as the impact of giving and receiving love.

Professionals need time and space to offload. This could be as part of the supervision process or at any point when they feel a need to talk. Leaders must be open to providing emotional support, understanding that professionals may need support to understand their own feelings in relation to the children. This is particularly important when safeguarding concerns arise. Professionals with a close relationship to the child, such as the Key Person, could be anxious, scared and full of self-doubt.

When we talk about professional love being the bedrock of the setting, radiating through the curriculum and culture, it means a collaborative approach is necessary. Reflecting on this as a team can help make sense of what professional love means to your setting. This includes how it is demonstrated, limitations, the impact and any challenges that could be faced.

Professional love still seems to be a term that is not widely used or understood within the sector. Could this stem from a lack of training? It's evident that meeting the emotional needs of children is a high priority with Personal, Social and Emotional development being a prime area learning in the EYFS - so why aren't we including professional love in Early Years training courses?

Increased dialogue around the subject of professional love is required to normalise the subject. When it becomes recognised as a valued part of our role, professional love will be seen as usual good practice, necessary for the learning and development of children. Initiating and engaging in critical discussion and reflection by all those working in Early Years, from those providing the care to those training the future workforce, is important in developing a whole sector approach to professional love. Normalising it will hopefully see the links with paedophilia diminish, with professionals feeling able to demonstrate love without fear of accusation.
Love is not often, if at all, mentioned in national or organisational policies. Why is this? Unfortunately, it raises the question of whether the sector is becoming academized through outcome driven processes. We need to acknowledge the 'caring' aspect of Early Years as being just as important as more academic areas of focus such as phonics and mathematics.
Emma Davis - January 2020

About the Author - Emma Davis

Connect with Emma
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Early Years Professional Love - EY Matters

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The term 'professional love' was coined by Dr Jools Page as part of a research project, talking to Early Years professionals across England during 2015. One of the aims of Dr Jools Page and her team was to investigate whether media coverage around sex abuse scandals had resulted in wariness and impacted on relationships with the children in our care.

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NURSERY ATTACHMENTS AND THE KEY PERSON ROLE.

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NURSERY ATTACHMENTS AND THE KEY PERSON ROLE.

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A lovely, accessible booklet from the Froebel trust on Nursery attachments and the Key Person Role.

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This little booklet is a download from the Anna Freud site and has advice on attachment and supporting it within the setting

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This poster is great to remind us of what a stress response might look like so that we know how to approach it

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This is a very powerful story about attachment and the difference it makes when as babies we are given the care we need, and when we are not. It takes a few minutes to read but it illustrates the important of relationships and those 'roots' that effect the 'fruits'. It is an invaluable insight into developmental trauma.

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How Adoption Alone Does Not Heal a Hurt Child
An adoptive mom's exploration of the neurological impact
of trauma, neglect, and sensory deprivation

By Heidi Holman
Short Circuits: A Baby's Story - the bases of developmental trauma
One cold morning a beautiful, healthy baby girl, 3 days old, wakes up to find herself alone on a deserted street, hungry and cold. Her mother does not answer her cries, and in fact no one responds for hours. The baby, increasingly agitated and distressed, screams with primal urgency. Eventually a stranger happens by, picks up the crying baby and delivers her to the police station. Through several more intermediaries, the baby is eventually delivered to the local orphanage. Examined by a doctor and then wrapped in blankets and fed a bottle, she is deposited into a crib and left alone for much of the rest of the day. That night, no one comes to answer her frantic cries. More days go by, more cries unanswered. Care is administered on a rigid schedule, since the caregivers have so many babies to attend to, and there is minimal opportunity to be held, carried, or spoken to. Stimulation is limited to what the baby can see, hear and feel from her crib. Feedings are bottles of formula, propped for maximum efficiency, delivered through extra large holes in the nipple. Occasionally the baby's mouth loses its place on the nipple and the entire contents of the bottle pours onto her body. When that happens she misses her feeding, and her wet clothes aren't changed for another hour or more. Eventually the baby stops crying altogether because she has learned that crying rarely draws anyone to her. She is often lonely and scared, especially at night. The sounds of other babies crying and in distress cause her great anxiety, which she learns to tolerate by shutting down and withdrawing deeper inside herself in an attempt to protect herself from the constant stressors in her environment. One day many months later, the baby is bundled up and brought by bus to a city several hours away. She is handed to a stranger with just the clothes on her back and one bottle of prepared formula. Otherwise, everything of her old life has vanished in an instant. The stranger brings her to a hotel across town, where she is changed into new, peculiar smelling clothes. The stranger shakes a brightly colored rattle in her face. The baby's environment has gone from one of minimal stimulation to one of hyper stimulation; new sounds, new smells, new sights, new sensations, delivered in rapid fire sequence. The stranger tries to feed her a Cheerio, but the baby reflexively gags because she's never had solid food in her mouth. The stranger tries to bathe her in the sink but the sensation is unfamiliar and terrifying. The stressed baby, overwhelmed, sinks deeper and deeper into a state of shock and withdrawal. And they lived happily ever after.

My Story
I adopted Sal when she was 13 months old. Malnourished and developmentally delayed, it was a long time before she caught up to her chronological peers. She received 18 months of Early Intervention services, a federally mandated and state funded program administered to children at risk for developmental delays in the US. She was stoic and independent. For the first couple of years she would not seek me out for comfort, even when she was hurt. Her first spontaneous hug at age 3 gave me a visceral shock. I understood for the first time that she had merely been tolerating my hugs until then.

I believed children to be resilient, and over time I saw evidence that Sal had overcome the deprivations of her first year in an orphanage. She grew physically strong and healthy, and began to meet all of the developmental milestones for her age. I also had my first adoption of big sister Jenny as a frame of reference. Jenny was happy and healthy, successful at school and socially. Surely with time and TLC, Sal would follow in her sister's footsteps. The first tangible clue that this was wishful thinking on my part didn't surface until Sal was 5 years old. Sal was a funny, spirited and joyful child. She was charismatic, laughed frequently, enjoyed playing with friends, and was something of a clown.) and had an exuberant magnetism. One day driving somewhere in the car Sal suddenly started crying convulsively. I thought at first she had been injured, the sobs were so urgent. I whirled around to ask her what was going on, and after a few hiccupping gulps she blurted out "I miss.....my bouncy seat!" The last word was swallowed by a wrenching wail erupting from deep in her gut. Speechless, I kept driving, trying to understand the disproportion between the stated source and the impact. Sal hadn't played in a bouncy seat for several years. To my bewilderment, Sal began to have similar episodes multiple times a week, mysterious outbursts of some long forgotten thing. She would dissolve in gut-wrenching sobs for no apparent reason. They would occur at random moments. Each time she would attempt valiantly to name her grief, as she tried on one explanation after another. "I miss.......my ayis...my jingly toy...Grandma...my bottle...China...my crib."

Around the same time she began to have explosive rages. Her emotional state was so heightened in these episodes that she seemed to be having an out-of-body experience. The rages were always triggered by being around children and this time Sal knew their cause. She was mad because she "hated the babies."

When the Bonding Cycle is Broken
Attachment is the trusting bond that first develops between a mother and child, beginning in infancy. Healthy attachment is formed through repetition of the cycle of needs being expressed and then met. A baby is hungry so she cries. The mother hears the cries, and she immediately responds. The baby is fed while the mother actively works to soothe the baby's agitated state. As the cycle is repeated and reinforced thousands of times, the baby learns to trust that her needs will be met and that the world is a safe and good place. If this cycle is not regularly completed, it can have devastating implications for the emotional health of the baby.
Having a primary emotional bond with an attuned caregiver who predictably meets a baby's emotional needs is foundational for healthy psychic development and the ability to form healthy relationships with others. The ability to process and regulate one's own emotional state effectively, to delay gratification, to problem solve, to have empathy for others, are all critical for a healthy and secure sense of self. These are skills that are developed through the formation of healthy attachment.

In early developmental stages, an agitated or hyper-aroused baby must be soothed by her primary caregiver in order to feel calm, safe and secure. The baby actually experiences her own emotional state as an extension of her caregiver. If her emotional needs are consistently met, over time the baby is able to take on some of this emotional regulation herself. Throughout early childhood, skills of self awareness and self regulation are reinforced. From there the child is able to begin to process the emotions of others, to develop a sense of empathy and to form healthy relationships beyond the primary one. These are lessons with clear and lifelong repercussions, negative if the bonding cycle is broken.

Some simple questions flow from this:
*Would adoptive parents recognize how a child grieves?
*What tools do parents need to cope with a child grieving for loss of the unknown?
*How do parents help a child develop resilience around loss while supporting the child's right to feel loss?
I began to see that my intuitive methods in dealing with Sal's outbursts and rages were not adequate. No amount of loving or reasoning or logical consequences or discipline had any impact on her difficult behaviors. I felt like I was spinning my wheels so I began to research, seeking out books and Internet sites devoted to adoption issues in post-institutionalized children, hoping to find some insight. Much of the available information on adoption issues focuses on attachment. But reading about attachment didn't help me to fully understand Sal's inexplicable out-of-body rages and grief or the times she would dissociate under stress and just freeze. She had few of the other red flags for attachment impairment; she was affectionate and loving to me and her sister, had learned to come to me for comfort, was often joyful and exuberant. She had come so far from the withdrawn, affectless and listless baby that I had brought home. Deep down, I questioned whether Sal had any attachment issues at all.

As an adoptive parent, I had some understanding of attachment theory. I knew that children who spend time in institutions, or who experience multiple ruptures in caregivers, have not had the opportunity to form healthy attachment to anyone. I understood that this was a process she would have to undergo with me, and I understood some basic strategies for promoting attachment. I understood that I needed to respond to Sal at 13 months as though she were a newborn. I understood that she needed to learn to rely on me to meet her needs. I understood the importance of promoting eye contact, skin contact, little forms of intimacy to which she was not accustomed. I understood that she might need to be carried on my body, to co-sleep, to feed from a bottle, for a prolonged period of time, long past the age when these habits are indulged in biological children. What I didn't understand was that these strategies, time, and a mother's love would not be enough.
What is Trauma?
It's known that trauma occurs when an event elicits a real or perceived threat of danger, injury or death. Trauma triggers certain neurobiological responses, a primitive survival mechanism. The body experiences a fight, flight or freeze response to the threat. Stress hormones, mainly adrenaline and cortisol, flood the body and brain. The body is thrown into a state of hyper-arousal and hyper-vigilance; heartbeat races, muscles tense, breathing accelerates. An adult in this hyper-aroused state is unable to access higher order thinking, as the body is primed for an immediate response on a primitive level to the threat. Fight? Or flee? While these are effective neurobiological strategies for dealing with actual threat in the short term, they can be damaging to endure in the long term.

Prolonged exposure to trauma can permanently alter the biochemistry of the brain. Over time the amount of cortisol and adrenaline released in the body can cause a sensitization in the part of the brain associated with the stress response. The repeated triggering of this stress response can result in the child persisting in this state of fear long after the threat has passed. Symptoms can persist for years after the actual trauma in the form of hyperactivity, anxiety, sleep disturbances, impulsivity or emotional hypersensitivity, as well as episodes of reliving the trauma. Neglect, while not a single traumatic act, can be experienced by an infant as ongoing trauma. The neurobiological responses are similar. An abandoned newborn, completely dependent on her mother, experiences trauma; physical abandonment is literally a life or death threat to her.
An infant left alone physically and emotionally may live in a state of prolonged fear and hyper-arousal, causing the brain to be awash in large amounts of stress hormones. Unable to summon help, and unable to physically flee, an infant might respond by dissociating from her body, another primitive coping mechanism At this later stage of trauma, stress hormones used for coping with a single incident are burnt out Maladaptive brain function on this primitive level can also have profound implications for development of higher brain executive functions. Scientists report that in abused or deprived children the parts of the brain responsible for regulating emotion and memory are significantly smaller than in non-abused children. Many traumatized children develop symptoms that resemble ADD/ADHD, such as inattentiveness, aggression, and non-compliance.
In the end, I was not able to crack the mystery of Sal's behaviors on my own. I made an appointment with an attachment therapist. The therapist spent one session interviewing me extensively about Sal, and another observing her directly in facilitated play. Her diagnosis was that Sal had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, a condition that was interfering with her forming a secure attachment to me. Though the diagnosis was like a punch to my stomach, I felt a simultaneous sense of relief that there was an identifiable syndrome underlying Sal's behaviors. There was the possibility of therapeutic intervention and healing. The diagnosis also joined several disconnected dots for me. Sal's behaviors were related to an attachment problem, but could only be understood within the broader context of trauma.

With PTSD, a trigger can transport the afflicted person instantly to the neurobiological state of trauma and she can experience the trauma anew as though it is something happening in the present, even if it happened years ago. In this state, the higher functioning brain is disengaged. My trying to deal with Sal's episodes by using logic, discipline, time outs, or worse, reacting with my own heightened emotional state, was ineffective and counterproductive.

Armed with this theoretical framework, we began to peel back the layers of Sal's behaviors. I began to understand what her triggers were, and I was astonished to discover how much of her infant experience had been stored in her brain. I had always believed that pre-verbal memory was not accessible. And yet, it became clear that Sal's pre-verbal experiences were being accessed when the PTSD was flaring up. Sal's rages were manifestations of the extreme stress and threat she had felt as an infant in her orphanage, neglected and frightened, unable to summon help.

One of her triggers was children crying or yelling; exposure to this would instantly transport her to a hyper-aroused trauma state. Sharing or shedding belongings was another trigger; long past the age when most kids learn to share, Sal was unable to do so. On a fundamental level, she was unable to share because she perceived other children as a threat. She had no internalized sense that the world was a good, bountiful and safe place. Her primitive brain had learned that her needs would not be met, and she responded in a primitive way-with fear and anger. Once I began approaching her behaviors with this framework, her relief was palpable.

Once I was able to react to her outbursts calmly and provide the right words, give her a context for these large, scary feelings and help her begin to process them, she began to respond. It was counterintuitive because it involved going right to the source of her pain: her first year in the orphanage, the loneliness, the fear, the anger, the hurt she had endured as a helpless baby. As her mother, my first impulse had been to protect her from that pain by avoiding it. What I learned from our therapy was that the only way through it was to confront it dead on.

My first opportunity to confront her pain came one night at bath time. I had drawn a bubble bath, a treat for Sal and Jenny. But almost immediately I heard Jenny loudly complaining that Sal had pulled all of the bubbles to her side of the tub. Exasperated, my first impulse was to tell Sal that she needed to share with her sister. But I stopped myself. Instead, I knelt down on the bath mat, leaned into Sal and wrapped my arms around her. "I bet this reminds you of when you were a baby," I said. Sal started sobbing quietly. "Does this make you think of a time when you were little and didn't get what you needed?" I asked softly into her hair. Sal continued sobbing, nodding her head. "Sweetie that was terrible what happened to you. No baby should have to go through that. But you're with me now and I will always give you what you need. You see all these bubbles in the tub? I have more. See that bottle on the shelf? It's only half gone. And when it's empty, I'll go to the store and buy another one. You don't have to worry anymore."

Sal snuffled a bit, then started pushing half of the bubbles to Jenny's side of the tub. I was stunned. How could it be this easy? What power there was in this simple acknowledgment of a piece of her pain. For the first time, I was able to talk her down from her hyper-aroused state. For the first time I felt like I held the key to an impenetrable door. I began to see how inextricably linked trauma and attachment are. I saw how PTSD was preventing Sal from handing over the last modicum of control necessary to trust that her needs would absolutely be met. On some primitive level, she felt that she needed to be vigilant and protect herself, whether by hoarding the bubbles, dissociating from her body, or raging at the perceived threat of another child. If it weren't for the suggestion from our attachment therapist that I might want to have Sal evaluated for sensory processing issues, I would never have thought to pursue it. But once I started researching sensory processing issues, I realized the signs were there. Among the red flags was her love of spinning and swinging. She loved tire swings, and could spin endlessly and never get dizzy. She was very active, hyperactive even, moving during every waking minute. Yet there were a couple of peculiar gaps in her fearless, high-energy antics. She showed occasional clumsiness. She was reluctant to get on a bike, even with training wheels. And she was tentative on the monkey bars, unable to master the hand over hand technique that other kids picked up easily. My reading suggested that these were clues of a dysfunction in her vestibular system, which regulates balance and the body's relationship to gravity.

Many of Sal's activities were attempts to stimulate that system. Her difficulty with the monkey bars betrayed poor bilateral coordination, a skill experts say ends up having profound implications for learning how to read. Sal was late to develop hand dominance, and her writing and drawing skills lagged behind her peers. Though she showed a solid understanding of phonics and letter recognition, she seemed to have difficulty writing letters.

Her drawings were unsophisticated, demonstrating little understanding of spatial concepts. All were indications of difficulty in organizing visual information. Though she was very verbal, there were times when she seemed to speak in startling non sequiturs, blurting out a narrative that I couldn't easily follow.

I came to see that this belied a disorganization of thought and difficulty sequencing events. I sought out an Occupational Therapist trained in sensory issues. An evaluation revealed that Sal indeed had Sensory Processing Dysfunction By then Sal had been home five years and the signs had been missed by me, by her teachers, by her pediatrician, and by all of her Early Intervention therapists. The treatment for SPD is a set of targeted activities customized by the Occupational Therapist.

Sal was offered treatment which effected a comprehensive overhaul of her central nervous system, designed to stimulate neural connections and systems that went awry or never optimally developed. This kind of repair is possible because of the amazing plasticity of the brain and central nervous system. Activities targeted the vestibular system, proprioception, muscle tone, core strength, tactile sense, auditory sense, and visual sense. Over the course of several months we attended weekly sessions with the OT, and still incorporate many of the therapeutic activities as part of a home curriculum. Sal's muscle tone and core strength improved, which in turn helped her sense of coordination and balance.

She worked hard and mastered bilateral movements such as swinging on the monkey bars. Her ability to organize the visual world improved, which helped with residual clumsiness as well as writing, drawing, and pattern recognition. But there were also improvements in other areas. I didn't anticipate that her ability to regulate herself emotionally would improve or that her anxiety would abate. It is clear that it is helping her brain work more efficiently, which in turn is helping her reach higher levels of functioning. More significantly, doing the foundational work of filling in the gaps in her neural circuitry is also tangibly enhancing her ability to recover from the trauma and attachment disorders. Therapies that I had thought of as unrelated to each other were actually working in support of each other. It was a light bulb moment.
The Pervasiveness of Trauma
It is known that the newborn infant brain is quite immature and plastic. Research has shown that over time, the brain develops sequentially, from the bottom up, starting with the brain stem and moving up to the cerebral cortex. Primitive functions develop first and lay the groundwork for more complex functions like emotional regulation and higher order thinking. Brain growth and development are governed by experience. Experience also dictates neural wiring.

Research shows that the central nervous system is a self-organizing and dynamic system that develops in direct response to life experience. Through repeated exposure and processing of stimuli, neural connections are built and the brain learns to organize and integrate sensory information efficiently. Gathering and processing sensory information is the normal developmental task of the infant. This information is brought in through all of her senses through interaction with her environment. Seeing, hearing, tasting, touching, development of muscle tone and balance are some of the interactive experiences that build neural connections critical for development and for moving on to higher levels of functioning.

Most babies first experience their world from the safe haven and safe arms of a committed carer- their mother. Many adopted babies and children may have lapses in this process because they may have not had opportunity to interact in a sensory rich environment. While they may appear to "catch up" developmentally once they're adopted into loving homes, in many cases critical gaps in neural pathways will persist. Much like trying to build a house on a wobbly foundation, moving forward developmentally without revisiting the site of the sensory processing gap often results in a sensory processing or integration dysfunction. These kinds of dysfunctions can be extremely subtle and hard to detect for someone not trained to recognize them. Young children learn effective ways to compensate for sensory processing weakness. Unless the source of the dysfunction is treated, experts believe that it's likely to surface as a learning or behavior issue around the time the child enters school.

Sensory integration dysfunctions often result in a child having difficulties organizing and interpreting information, making it very difficult for the child to keep up with the challenges of elementary school. The child works so hard to just make it through the day that learning, remembering, organizing and planning ahead are much more difficult than for the child who is integrating typically. Difficulties can emerge as auditory or visual processing disorders, or they might emerge as hyperactivity or difficulty focusing. Sensory processing disordered children can easily be misdiagnosed as ADD/ADHD because the symptoms are so similar. Sensory issues can also show up as behavior issues; inefficient or disorganized sensory integration can affect emotional equilibrium as the child struggles with the higher levels of functioning and more sophisticated learning that are the normal expectations of elementary school students.

Parenting Pain and Insight
It is painful for me as an adoptive parent that I wasn't there for my daughter when she was at her most vulnerable. I wanted to believe that her needs were consistently met in that first year in the institution. One of the first steps toward healing her has been to acknowledge that this image of her care is a fantasy. I also needed to understand that my love and best intentions alone were not enough to overcome the effects from that first year. It was an epiphany that her issues do not exist in isolation from one another; her insecure attachment is linked to both her PTSD and to her SPD. They are intertwined like an intricate Gordian knot, as tangled as her neurological circuitry itself. Understanding that and approaching her issues as a spectrum, with a holistic framework in mind, I believe has been key to her good progress. But more fundamentally, it took attunement to my daughter and a willingness to view her behaviors in a context and understand what I was seeing. Many well intentioned friends assured me that Sal's emotional outbursts were developmentally normal. It took some extra sensitivity, and trusting my gut, to see that something was indeed amiss. Initially, seeking out therapy was crushing; the last thing I wanted was for Sal to be slapped with a scary sounding acronym. But after the blow of that first diagnosis, I quickly learned to look past the labels and see that they don't define who my daughter is.

Sal is not a pathology or an aberration. Her neurobiological and psychological responses to her experiences were completely normal; it was the circumstances that were extraordinary. Extraordinary, and yet typical for institutionalized children. I don't believe that Sal is an isolated case. How many others are out there similarly affected? Why is it that some children fare better than others in the same context? How is it that some are able to get enough of what they need in sub-optimum environments? Of course, there is the unquantifiable element of resilience. How does resilience intersect with experience to jump start, or short circuit, brain development?

In my own personal study of 2 children, I have one who sails through life and one who struggles. Tellingly, the one who sails never spent a day in an institution, but lived with an exceptional foster family from 3 days old until she was handed to me at 9 months old. Her foster mother revealed to me that Jenny was beloved, held and spoken to almost constantly. I was grateful at the time, without fully comprehending the enormity of the gift she had given Jenny: the gift of an optimum beginning, nurture, love and sensory rich, the gift to develop her potential without struggle of impediment. Though this should be every child's birthright, Sal was given no such gift. But somewhat paradoxically, she has bestowed unexpected gifts upon me. It's easy to love the child who sails and excels, but for the child who struggles the depth and quality of love ends up being breathtaking.

Sal has stretched me the furthest and taught me the most. She has taught me about bravery and perseverance, strength, grace and humility. When I look at her I see the courage of a fighter and the heart of a hero. With only a small child's understanding of the therapeutic paths we pursue, she intuitively embraces her therapy with enthusiasm. In this simple and affirming act of trust, I see someone who works hard every day to fully integrate the experiences of her first year. While experience perhaps isn't destiny, it has molded who she is today. With full acceptance of that, I am working hard to help her become who she will be tomorrow.

© 2007, Heidi Holman
Heidi Holman is an adoptive mom, writer and filmmaker. She lives in San Francisco with her 2 daughters.

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EMK Press-Short Circuits How Adoption Alone Does Not Heal a Hurt Child

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How Adoption Alone Does Not Heal a Hurt Child An adoptive mom's exploration of the neurological impact of trauma, neglect, and sensory deprivation By Heidi Holman Short Circuits: A Baby's Story - the bases of developmental trauma One cold morning a beautiful, healthy baby girl, 3 days old, wakes up to find herself alone on a deserted street, hungry and cold.

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Pam Jarvis constructing evidence-informed policy

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Pam Jarvis constructing evidence-informed policy

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This is a great article that looks at the evidence around Bowlby's attachment theory and what modern research through neurophysiology, psychology and practice   can add to the story.

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These are activities to do with children that you could suggest to parents as fun ways to connect. They are organised around the 4 dimensions to support resilience. Bruce Perry famously said that "children are not resilient they are malleable". The point here being that resilience is not something that children are born with but is something that is learned through our warmth, empathetic interactions with others. Knowing we are loveable, fun to be with, loved and cherished, helps us to build resilience for the future.

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A short video that explains how love is answer! and how the circle of security works to support behaviour

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circle of security parenting connection - Bing video

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If you or parents have any questions around ECHPS, worried or concerns about SEND then SENDIASS is an independent adviser that can help you. You have to call and book an appointment but this will give you time to think about questions you want to ask and the support you are looking for as well.

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Welcome to Norfolk SEND Partnership. Norfolk SEND Partnership offer information and advice to children, young people and parents/carers about special

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HOW EARLY CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES EFFECT LIFELONG LEARNING AND HEALTH

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HOW EARLY CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES EFFECT LIFELONG LEARNING AND HEALTH

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This powerful little video explains how the earliest childhood experiences effect the rest of our lives and how we can make a difference - alongside other services- by supporting families and children as they grow.

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Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University

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How is ongoing, severe stress and adversity in early childhood connected to chronic disease in adults? And, what can we do about it? In this animated video, narrated by Center on the Developing Child Director Jack P. Shonkoff, M.D., learn what the latest science tells us about how early experiences affect not only early learning and school readiness, but also lifelong health. Understand the effects of adversities such as poverty, discrimination, systemic racism, exposure to violence, and child maltreatment, abuse, and neglect on the developing brain and many other systems in the body. Challenge yourself to think about how we can use policies and resources to address the sources of these problems. And, consider how integrating pediatric primary care with every aspect of the early childhood ecosystem may be an important part of the solution.

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How Early Childhood Experiences Affect Lifelong Health and Learning - Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University

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How is ongoing, severe stress and adversity in early childhood connected to chronic disease in adults? And, what can we do about it? In this animated video, narrated by Center on the Developing Child Director Jack P. Shonkoff, M.D., learn what the latest science tells us about how early experiences affect not only early learning [...]

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HOW ATTACHMENT AFFECTS YOUR EMOTIONAL REGULATION AND RELATIONSHIPS 

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HOW ATTACHMENT AFFECTS YOUR EMOTIONAL REGULATION AND RELATIONSHIPS 

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This is an accessible description of attachment. It is focussed a little more on how our relationships in childhood can effect us in adulthood. Understanding our own experiences of attachment helps us recognise behaviours as adults we use which were how we learned to self-protect ourselves as children.

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Mindfulness & Clinical Psychology Solutions

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A Word of Caution !

Before you go down the road of using Attachment to blame or shame yourself (or your partner, if you are having relationship difficulties) please understand that: Attachment styles are ADAPTIVE behaviours from an earlier stage of life based on our upbringing. Although these behaviours may no longer serve us, they may be carried forward into adulthood. In other words, a child who is taught that relationships are untrustworthy or even frightening naturally learns to have SELF-PROTECTIVE behaviours in all of their relationships. This is not our fault - and it is completely understandable from a survival instinct perspective (after all, all humans are born completely dependent on their parents for food, shelter, nourishment, love and protection). However, as adults it is our responsibility to understand and heal from our childhood attachment conditioning, to help ourselves recognise that the past is affecting us and to provide ourselves with options (and the permission) to change and replace patterns that are no longer serving us.

Also, when considering your childhood attachment history, please keep in mind that parents do not necessarily have to be 'highly abusive' to have a negative effect on their children. Parents who are over-protective and intrusive, who are judgmental and have high expectations, or who are dismissive of a child's thoughts and feelings can (over time) also cause a distrust of relationships - or even a distrust of a child's own emotions - well into adulthood for that individual.

So in other words, if you learned in childhood that relationships are conditional, shaming, unstable, threatening, withdrawing or rejecting, it may cause you to be uncertain about relationships and this may lead to behaviours typical of the three non-secure attachment styles ( anxious, avoidant, or disorganized behaviours). This is not your fault. These emotional reactions and their resulting protective behaviours are an understandable adaptive response to feeling insecure (or unsafe) in an important relationship during a critical stage of our development.
In other words, whereas being able to view attachment behaviours as 'protective strategies from an earlier part of life that no longer serve us' is crucial to our liberation, shaming or ridiculing ourselves (or our partner) for having attachment difficulties is probably doing nothing more than continuing to perpetuate the intergenerational toxicity that was handed down to us (or them) by caregivers. This is unlikely to result in freeing ourselves from these patterns and is more likely to continue to do further damage.
It is important to seek help for attachment difficulties. They are not easily resolved with self-help material alone. This is because attachment is relational, it involves your brain's development and emotional learning in the context of interactions with others. There is learning, reflection, and healing that requires an emotionally-attuned and and emotionally-safe therapeutic environment, and there are skills that need to be honed and practiced interpersonally that cannot be mastered alone.

The four attachment styles were born out of the seminal work of psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. In the 1950s, Bowlby proposed that attachment is the product of evolutionary processes and that infants are thus born with an innate drive to form attachments with caregivers. In the 1970s, Ainsworth developed a paradigm (the 'Strange Situation') to determine attachment security in children within the context of caregiver relationships. The 'Strange Situation' procedure involves series of eight interactions lasting approximately 3 minutes each, whereby a mother, child and stranger are introduced, separated and reunited. From this research, Ainsworth identified three main attachment styles (a fourth attachment style was later identified in the 1980s by psychologists Main and Solomon).

The four attachment styles consist of Secure Attachment and 3 non-secure Attachment Styles listed and described in detail with examples, below:

1) Secure

2) Anxious (aka Preoccupied)

3) Avoidant (aka Dismissive)

4) Disorganised

1. Secure Attachment:

Secure attachment is the ideal attachment style. Approximately 50-60% of adults have a Secure attachment style. A Secure attachment between a child and a caregiver forms when the caregiver is perceived as safe, predictable, consistent, and physically and emotionally available. The remainder of people develop one of three other attachment styles (Anxious, Avoidant or Disorganized, as discussed in the next section).

Secure attachments develop in the following ways: A securely attached infant believes her parent is safe, available, and responsive when she is in distress. Caregivers communicate these qualities the following ways: Facial expression, posture and tempo of body movement, tone of voice, physical proximity and tactile responsiveness, which together communicate a dependable, caring intention from the caregiver. ( This is all pre-verbal information that an infant is constantly learning about and absorbing.) When a secure bond has been established, even the mere attention from or presence of a caregiver can help the infant to regulate distress.

As a result of a secure bond, even if the parent is not always available, the infant will learn to internalize these responses from their caregivers and they can draw on this internal representation to self-soothe and self-regulate during challenges or times of distress. As you can begin to see, this is essentially the origin of where we learn (or sadly where we fail to learn) emotional regulation.

Children with a secure attachment see their parent as a secure base from which they can venture out and independently explore the world. When a caregiver is emotionally responsive and strives to meet an infant's emotional needs with consistency, the infant is taught to be emotionally responsive themselves. Thus, securely attached children grow into resilient, emotionally healthy adults who enjoy emotionally healthy relationships because they generally feel trusting and safe in those relationships.

In intimate relationships, a secure adult has relationship whereby they feel secure and connected to their partner ( even in their absence), which allows each partner to live their lives freely (this is called interdependence). Because they are aware of (are able to respond in healthy ways to) their own needs, this frees them up to be supportive at times when their partner feels distressed. Also, because a secure adult feels comfortable eliciting care from others, they are more likely to turn toward (vs shutting down or withdrawing from) their partner when they feel troubled.

An intimate relationship with a secure partner tends to be honest, open and equal, with both parties feeling independent, yet loving toward each other. Because of this, it is unsurprising that we find that compared to the other attachment styles, securely attached adults (and their partners) report feeling the highest levels of relationship satisfaction.

People with a secure attachment style:

Generally feel close to others

Feel comfortable with emotional and physical intimacy, and also with independence

Communicate effectively and resolve conflicts as they arise

Have fairly stable relationships

Generally trust in their partner

Feel safe in being vulnerable with their partner

Secure Attachment Example

A fantastic example of what Secure Attachment 'looks like' in the context of healthy (mutually secure) adult relationships is clearly evident in the (now) infamous "A Credo for My Relationships With Others" by Clinical Psychologist Dr. Thomas Gordon. As you read through this Credo, I invite you to reflect upon whether you are achieving something like this within your important primary relationships (and if you are, reflect inwards about whether your are achieving this same harmony and respect internally - between the competing aspects of Self):

A CREDO FOR MY RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS
You and I are in a relationship which I value and want to keep. Yet each of us is a separate person with our own unique values and needs and the right to meet those needs.

So that we will better know and understand what each of us values and needs, let us always be open and honest in our communication.

When you are having problems meeting your needs, I will listen with genuine acceptance and understanding so as to facilitate your finding your own solutions instead of depending on mine. And I want you to be a listener for me when I need to find solutions to my problems.

At those times when your behavior interferes with what I must do to get my own needs met, I will tell you openly and honestly how your behavior affects me, trusting that you respect my needs and feelings enough to try to change the behavior that is unacceptable to me. Also, when some behavior of mine is unacceptable to you, I hope you will tell me openly and honestly so I can try to change my behavior.

And when we experience conflicts in our relationship, let us agree to resolve each conflict without either of us resorting to the use of power to win at the expense of the other's losing. I respect your needs, but I also must respect my own. So let us always strive to search for a solution that will be acceptable to both of us. Your needs will be met, and so will mine-neither will lose, both will win.

In this way, you can continue to develop as a person through satisfying your needs, and so can I. Thus, ours can be a healthy relationship in which both of us can strive to become what we are capable of being. And we can continue to relate to each other with mutual respect, love and peace.

Dr. Thomas Gordon (1978)

Non-Secure Attachment

2. Anxious Attachment (aka Preoccupied):

Children who had parents who at times responded well to their needs, yet at other times, were not emotionally present or may have responded in hurtful or critical ways, grow up feeling insecure, uncertain of what treatment to expect.

In relationships, adults with an anxious attachment style find that they need a lot of reassurance and responsiveness. Unlike a securely attached person, those with an anxious attachment style may appear overly dependent on their relationships to feel okay. Certain interactions or events may trigger deep mistrust and they may regularly feel heightened anxiety about the stability of their relationships.

Even though anxiously attached individuals may feel desperate or insecure, more often than not, their behaviour exacerbates their own fears (via a feedback loop called a 'self-fulfilling prophecy'). They may also interpret independent actions by their partner as affirmation of their fears. Worse, when they feel unsure of their partner's feelings or feel insecure in their relationship, they may become clingy, demanding or possessive toward their partner.

Although these are simply attempts to protect the Self via seeking a sense of safety, reassurance and security, by clinging to their partner or by engaging in behaviours called 'Protest Behaviours' a person with an anxious attachment style may unwittingly push their partner away. For example, if (say) a partner starts socializing more with friends, they may think, "See? He doesn't really love me. I was right not to trust him - Maybe there is someone else... This means he is going to leave me." This may lead to (for instance) lots of reassurance seeking behaviours, such as calling, texting, or even stalking or reading a partner's private messages. Alternatively, it may lead to hostility towards that partner, who often will not understand the context of the person's behaviour, and this may drive them away - particularly if the partner has an avoidant attachment style (below).

People with an anxious attachment style:

Feel the need for lots of reassurance in a relationship

Often report feeling overwhelmed or extremely anxious when they and a loved one disagree or argue

Question their partner's love (e.g., especially at times when their partner is away)

Feels threatened by their partner needing a break (and may pursue them until they give in)

3. Avoidant Attachment (aka Dismissive):

Children of caregivers that were emotionally unavailable, absent, or unaware of their needs often develop an Avoidant attachment style. Perhaps crying was discouraged, or perhaps you were belittled for having emotional needs. As an adult, you may feel uncomfortable depending on someone, or being depended on by others.

A person with an avoidant attachment style lives in an ambivalent state, in which they are afraid of being both too close to and too distant from others. In relationships, they have fears of being abandoned but also struggle with being intimate. They may cling to their partner when they feel rejected, then feel trapped (or resentful, as though they will lose their sense of 'Self') if they become too emotionally intimate / close.

Often, in relationships, the avoidant style is attracted to the anxious style, and this sets off a push-pull between one partner (the anxious style) feeling unloved and the other partner (the avoidant style) feeling unable to meet the emotional demands of the other.

People with an avoidant attachment style:

Regularly feel emotionally removed from others

Want to distance themselves from (vs resolve) stressful situations or conflict

Feel the urge to pull away when their partner is seeking connection or is distressed

Are generally uncomfortable with their emotions and partners often accuse you of being distant and closed off, rigid and intolerant. In return, their accuse partners of being too needy. May prefer fleeting, casual relationships to long-term intimate ones, or may seek out partners who are equally independent (or who will keep their distance emotionally)

4. Disorganized (unresolved) Attachment:

Disorganized attachment is the primary style common in survivors of complex developmental trauma (cPTSD). For instance, perhaps a caregiver was frightening, abusive, or behaved in highly inappropriate ways; perhaps a child's human rights were violated. These traumas can cause fear of a parent and/or deep confusion in a child (remember - human children are born dependent on their caregivers for nurturance, safety, shelter, sustenance etc) will develop the understanding that a parent is not present for them. However, this creates an internal dilemma: A child is completely dependent on their parent for food, safety and shelter. Often, a child's innate desire for parental love may create an inner conflict whereby they believe that the behaviour of the abusive parent is their own fault, or that they should remain loyal because "they are my parents". As an adult, a person with a disorganized attachment style may long for closeness, but may also fear it. They may not seek out relationships because they may feel like counting on others is unsafe. When presented with opportunities for closeness, they may pull away.

People with a disorganized attachment style:

May have had primary caregivers that were abusive (physically, emotionally, sexually, neglect etc)

Commonly report craving emotional intimacy, but also feel it is safer to be alone

May have had primary caregivers who showed love one minute but who were frightening the next

May have Complex Trauma (cPTSD)

Attachment & Emotion Regulation

Emotion regulation is the process by which we influence how we experience and express our feelings (which emotions we have, when we have them, and how they are expressed). Throughout our lives, emotion regulation is an important regulator of interpersonal relationships and in our relationship with ourselves.

The ability to regulate one's emotions is taught in one's earliest relationships. We are taught 'how' to feel ( and we are often not taught how to feel) by our primary caregivers, and this becomes ingrained throughout childhood, and practiced throughout life. Thus, emotion regulation and quality of an infant's attachment are closely linked.

In infants, patterns of emotion regulation are shaped and developed in direct response to experiences with their caregivers. Because an infant is dependent on a caregiver (e.g., for food, shelter, and protection), an infant's emotional regulation serves the important function for the infant of maintaining a close relationship with the attachment figure. This ensures that the parent will remain close to the child and the child will thereby ( hopefully) be protected. As was demonstrated in the "Still Face" videos above - this is a survival instinct (we are hard-wired to do this).

Therefore, it is easy to understand how infants of non-secure parents, who may experience repeated rejection, or hostility, may learn very quickly to minimize their own negative affect (i.e., by emotionally withdrawing or shutting down) in order to avoid the risk of further rejection. Often, infants internalise the voices of their parents - and this can lead to an internalisation of this response to self that persists into adulthood in the form of negative self-beliefs and/or self-criticism.

On the other hand, it is easy to understand how infants of mothers who have been relatively inconsistently available may maximize negative their affect in order to increase the likelihood of gaining the attention of a frequently unavailable caregiver. If this strategy succeeds, it becomes engrained through repetition as a natural response whenever faces with a similar situation. Clearly, this could result in difficulties with emotion regulation for the child that may persist into teenage years and adulthood.

Again, both of these patterns of emotion regulation are simply examples of primal attempts by the infant to remain in positive connection with the caregiver. When these patterns work, they are repeated and they become deeply learned emotional responses - ways that we may still strive to have our emotional needs met as adults.

The early experiences you had with your primary caregivers ALSO play a direct role in the development of your brain, which in turn influences your ability to regulate your emotions. Insecure or inconsistent styles of attachment result in the experience of feeling overwhelmed and unsafe in a child, which creates either Hyperarousal (being on high alert) or Hypoarousal (becoming numb) as means of protection. Left unaddressed, this can persist across the lifespan and can greatly affect adult relationships, including our relationship with ourselves.

Over time, these learned protective behaviours can reorganise a child's brain during a particularly crucial stage of development (0-15 years) and this, in conjunction with either adverse childhood experiences, skills deficits, or maladaptive coping strategies, can lead to difficulties with emotion regulation in adults (such as a reduced Window of Tolerance, discussed in detail ). Essentially this is because through interacting with an infant in a very critical period of brain development (especially between 0 to 12mths) the mother begins to teach and shape how to down-regulate negative emotions but ALSO how to up-regulate positive emotions (such as joy, interest, excitement, which are important for play-states and the development of the dopaminergic-reward system).

This is essentially what we as adults are ultimately required to do for ourselves, in terms of regulating our emotions (by calmly activating and deactivating our arousal) in response to the full range of events and challenges that we experience. This is depicted in a simple way in the following diagram (taken from my Window of Tolerance article, discussed in detail here):

Moreover, we know that the broader the range of emotions a child learns to experience (and respond to), the broader the range of emotions the adult will be able to understand, experience, and respond to (and understand, experience, and respond to in others).

For these reasons, it follows that, whereas skills for emotional regulation may come significantly easier to those who have grown up with secure attachment, emotional regulation can be more difficult to learn for those who grew up with inconsistent, unavailable or abusive caregiving. Nevertheless, the good news is that we can learn to work with (and heal) our wounded attachment systems, and regarding improving our emotion regulation - this essentially involves developing a new set of skills, which can be learned.

Effects on Relationships

Although it is possible to have differing attachments with different people in our lives (e.g., you may simultaneously feel Secure in your attachment with a best friend, Anxious in your attachment with your boss, and Avoidant in relation to a pesky neighbour), we all have one primary attachment style. Each person tends to rely more on this one style than the other styles of relating.

In fact, this primary attachment style is so fundamental to how we process and make sense of the world that we even dream according to our primary attachment style. In one study, participants completed established measures of attachment to determine which attachment style best characterized them. Then, raters who were blind to the test results, listened to the participants' recollections of dreams ( listening carefully for themes, key people and the relationships between them). Amazingly, raters were able to correctly categorize participants' attachment styles with a very high degree of accuracy, simply based on the content of their dreams (!). This result as been replicated in similar research.

In the area of intimate relationships, both male and female adults seeking long-term partners often identify qualities of responsiveness consistent with Secure Attachment caregiving (such as warmth, attentiveness, and sensitivity), as the "most attractive" qualities in potential partners. Yet, as you are probably aware, despite the attractiveness of these secure qualities, not all adults are paired with secure partners.

This is because it is common for people to find themselves in relationships with partners who confirm their existing attachment experiences regarding relationships, care, and love. In other words, as adults we are subconsciously drawn towards partners who replicate the attachment dynamics that we experienced as children - even when these dynamics are not helpful for us. (This is because our ancient brains are drawn to this 'familiarity' on a primal, subconscious level).

However, this need not be the case. If you are in a relationship that contains unhealthy attachment dynamics, you can become aware of them and work with your partner (or with a therapist) to improve and change unworkable patterns. Or, if the dynamic is truly dysfunctional and toxic, you can work towards terminating an unworkable relationship.

Alternatively, if you are not in an intimate relationship (or if you are not seeking one), understanding your Attachment style is still hugely important because it strongly influences how you relate to yourself and communicate with (and understand) others.

It's Not Your Fault

As discussed earlier, there are many reasons a parent may struggle to be emotionally present with their children. For the most part, most parents try as best as they can to deal with the challenges of parenting with the emotional regulation skills that they have, many of which were passed onto them by their own parents.

Unfortunately, children of parents who lacked the capacity to understand how what they are doing was ultimately affecting their child's psychological growth and well-being, will most likely be those who have the deepest attachment wounds (and challenges managing relationships, including their response to emotions and needs of the Self). This is because, as humans, we have built-in survival instincts. As infants, our attachment style was our best means of self-protection.

If you align with a "non-secure" attachment style, it is not because you did something wrong. Rather, your attachment style results from surviving your upbringing. In other words, a 'non secure attachment style' is a response to this period because it was how we learned to "balance out" the challenges of the caregiving provided to us. A ny non-secure attachment style we may develop was the best way we to could cope with the difficulties of circumstances we were handed. In other words, our attachment experiences are not our fault (!). We did not choose our families, nor did we choose the difficult early childhood experiences we were exposed to.

No matter which attachment style you currently have, know that secure attachment is possible. Learning about attachment is a journey of healing, self-compassion, and moving towards a more secure attachment style that will ultimately lead to healthier, more rewarding relationships.

You can recover from your attachment wounds. You can learn to develop new ways to relate to yourself and to connect with others. Learning about attachment by reading this article (and some of the articles at the bottom of this page) marks the beginning of this journey...

Healing Your Attachment Wounds

We now know that the attachment style you developed as a child based on your relationship with a parent or early caregiver does not have to define your way of relating to yourself, or to those you love in your adult life. In fact, we know that healing our attachment wounds is possible through heathy, emotionally corrective relationships.

We know that healthy attachment to others is our primary protection against feelings of helplessness and meaninglessness. For instance, close, connected relationships can actually reduce anxiety and fear by easing our primal fear of abandonment. This is because strong, attached relationships reduce feelings of fear (threat activation) and help "calm the brain".

Whereas emotional isolation is more dangerous for health than smoking or a lack of exercise (e.g., people who live alone experience three times as many strokes as those who are married), those who feel the safety of a comforting relationship actually are more resilient in life and can go out and take more risks. Quite simply, loving and being loved makes one stronger. Those who have trust in each other can turn to each other in times of distress and this creates even more emotional safety.

Emotionally corrective relationships can be intimate relationships that you may have with a trauma-aware emotionally supportive partner (or a close friend) who either has a secure attachment style or who has done a lot of this work in therapy themselves. This person may be willing to hold space for you while also holding you accountable, as you work through the pain of your past together in all the ways that this may emerge within the dynamics of your relationship. Again, these individuals are often people who have often already done the work of therapy and have done the work of breaking their attachment patterns. However, these relationships deserve to be cherished and they are not a complete substitute for working with a professional who is trained in helping people heal from attachment wounds.

Unfortunately, for people with complex attachment wounds, developing a secure relationship with the 'right kind of person' who is emotionally safe, knowledgeable, patient, unconditionally non-condemning and capable of providing a consistent secure base is a huge task, and there will likely be many hurdles along the way. Attachment patterns can be very challenging to understand and very resistant to change, and this can put significant strain on relationships. Again, working with a professional who is trained in helping people heal from attachment wounds is highly recommended.

Although self-help information can be useful, it is also important to seek help for attachment difficulties and not to rely on self-help material alone. This is because attachment is relational, it involves your brain's development and emotional learning in the context of interactions with others. The learning, reflection, and healing that is needed to address issues of attachment require an emotionally-attuned and emotionally-safe therapeutic environment in which to do this work, and to practice interpersonal skills that cannot be mastered alone.

Individual Therapy

A skillful trauma-informed psychologist who has undertaken the appropriate training can offer you the experience of a healthy, emotionally corrective relationship. A therapeutic relationship has the potential to be an emotionally corrective relationship because it is the therapist's job to be ethical, consistent, and to build in security while being fully present for their clients. The goal of therapy in offering a secure attachment is for the client to experience a secure relationship, and then take those emotion regulation skills outside into relationships with partners, children and friends. In therapy, you can uncover ways you may be defending yourself from getting close and being emotionally connected and can work toward forming an "earned secure attachment." This work can take time - but it can be done whether you are in an intimate relationship, or not.

In terms of using the emotionally corrective relationship of therapy to improve your relationship with yourself, this may involve learning new ways of being able to soothe and support yourself when you are struggling or are experiencing a setback - these emotional skills will likely not have been made available to you as a child. For people with significant developmental traumas (such as attachment wounds or Adverse Childhood Events), therapies such as EMDR Therapy may be useful in helping you to remove the disturbance of painful memories so that you can put your past behind you, and create the relationships with yourself and others that you ultimately were unable to have.

If you are troubled by memories that disturb you, or if you are tired of being emotionally triggered by events, I recommend reading my page about EMDR Therapy.

Couples Therapy (EFT for Couples)

The most well researched therapy for couples that makes use of attachment science is called Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for Couples. EFT for Couples is a short-term therapy that is aims to improve attachment and bonding in adult relationships. EFT for Couples is about creating connection in close relationships. It helps couples to understand and express their emotional experience including their needs, feelings, thoughts, and behaviours.

EFT for Couples is acknowledged as the gold standard for empirically validated interventions in tested interventions for couples. This research shows large treatment effect sizes and impressively, stable results over time.

EFT is the only model of couple intervention that uses a systematic empirically validated model of adult bonding (attachment) as the basis for understanding and alleviating relationship problems. Developed over 30 years ago by Sue Johnson, EFT for Couples is essentially attachment science in a therapy. As has been discussed, attachment science views human beings as innately relational, social and wired for intimate bonding with others. The EFT model prioritizes emotions and emotional regulation as the key organizing agents in individual experiences and key relationship interactions.

EFT for Couples not only addresses factors such as relationship distress, intimacy, trust, and the forgiveness of injuries, but it also aims to influence and heal you and your partner's attachment style.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) involves discussing specific incidents that may occur in your relationship, as a way to help each of you learn about your emotions and the behaviours that result from those incidents.

For example, your therapist may discuss your partner reminding you to take out the rubbish and how that makes you feel. Do you feel angry? What else might you feel? Are you ashamed because you forgot, so that makes you want to lash out in anger? Do you feel judged as "not good enough" by your partner and that makes you feel as if you disappointed her? Does this then make you want to pull away from her?

Goals of EFT for Couples:

To create a positive shift in partners interactional positions and patterns.

To foster the creation of a secure bond between partners.

To expand and re-organize key emotional responses and, in the process, the organization of self.

If you are in a relationship in distress, or you would like to improve your relationship in any way, I highly recommend learning more about the work of Sue Johnson and finding a psychologist who can offer EFT for Couples.
For a summary of the research on EFT for Couples, please visit https://iceeft.com/eft-research/
Below is a short video explaining research that Sue Johnson and her team performed, involving brain scans of people in relationships who were treated with EFT for Couples. It demonstrates how developing a strong relationship bond can reduce feelings of fear (threat activation) and can help "calm the threatened brain".

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How Attachment Affects Your Emotion Regulation & Relationships

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Before you go down the road of using Attachment to blame or shame yourself (or your partner, if you are having relationship difficulties) please understand that: Attachment styles are ADAPTIVE behaviours from an earlier stage of life based on our upbringing. Although these behaviours may no longer serve us, they may be carried forward into adulthood.

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Elizabeth Jarman makes some good points about our environment which could go toward a reflection on the things we do as practitioners that make support behaviour and practice.

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I'm fortunate to travel with my work and meet a lot of interesting professionals. I love sharing The Communication Friendly Spaces™ Approach and its principles, also having lots of conversations about learning spaces. Similar kinds of questions and statements often come up. Sometimes it's perhaps because people are overlooking the way that the learning environment contributes directly to behaviours and responses in a setting or school. Sometimes, assumptions are made about the child, rather than the context. For example I regularly hear comments like 'they just can't concentrate!' or 'they completely ignore the resources set out inside and go outside'. Both of these statements comment on something lacking in the child, things they can't, didn't or couldn't do, with no reflection on the broader factors at play here. What was affecting the child's level of concentration and what did outside offer that inside didn't?

To explain what I mean further, I thought that I'd share some of the sorts of questions and statements that I hear regularly and add in my responsive questions to encourage colleagues to delve down into what is really happening. I'm not intending to offer 'a solution', but a chance for people to consider more deeply the contributing factors in each scenario and prompt reflection on the influence of the learning environment.My responses follow the questions.

Question/Statement 1

'When the children arrive, they just come in and run around the place causing chaos'

o Why?

o What are the children's needs at this time?

o Does your environment offer match these needs?

o How might the physical layout of your setting be contributing to this response? Have you inadvertently created a 'running track'? An invitation to sprint?

o Where are the adults? How 'available' and engaged are they really?

o What is your emotional state as you welcome the families? What emotions and feelings might you be giving out?

o Who is there to help the children connect with the environment on offer?

o What sort of transition into your setting do you intend to create? Are you delivering this?

o Where is the most popular place that children visit first as they arrive? Why?

o What may have already happened in this child's day? How might this be contributing?

o How are your families supported to arrive and then separate? How does this differ for various families?

o How does your environment indicate that families are welcome and that they can stay, leave or hover after their children have transitioned into your care?

Question/Statement 2

'They simply can't concentrate for any length of time'

o How easy would you find it to concentrate in this space?

o What takes your attention away?

o Does noise play a factor?

o Does the flow of movement make concentrating more difficult? What (or who) is encouraging this distracting flow? Is it necessary?

o Could some type of screening be added to support deeper and longer concentration?

o How long would you expect your children to concentrate for? Is this developmentally appropriate? In what ideal circumstances? Are your circumstances ideal? How could you make them more so?

o Are the learning experiences on offer worth the effort of concentrating? Do they take account of children's current fascinations and interests?

o Why is there a lack of engagement?

o Are the adults concentrating? Are they worth copying?

Question/Statement 3

'In what ways could The Communication Friendly Spaces™ Approach be relevant to babies?'

o Have you crawled around the area that your babies spend most of their time in?

o How does it feel, smell and look from their perspective?

o Are there any draughts?

o What does it feel like when the doors open and close?

o How hard are your floors? Where is the softness in your space?

o When the babies lie on their backs in the base room or changing area, are they looking directly up at an electric, artificial light?

o Are there any small spaces for your babies to feel a sense of containment and a place to watch from?

o Where are key adults?

o Is the focus just on personal routines or quality interactions?

o Where can families sit and settle in your baby area?

o How many of your children share a preference for the same type of space? How does this answer your question about individual spaces?

o Do the children use outside differently to inside? Do you notice more communication, engagement, concentration etc in either of these spaces?

o What is your preferred area in this space? Why? What does it fulfil for you?

o What is the quality of play in your setting? Is it contemplative, alone, active, revisited, creative and risky?

o Can play only take place when under the scrutiny of adults?

Question/Statement 5

'We've not paid as much attention to our outside space, it's more of an area to let off steam and use outside voices!'

o What adult led messages have you already declared about the 'perceived difference' in these two areas?

o Why? What is your rationale for this?

o How has this influenced the children's behaviour, understanding and expectations?

o Based on your observations, what is the quality of engagement and learning outside?

o What are you noticing children doing outside that they don't do inside?

o Where would you rather be?

o What is an 'outside voice' and what is your purpose in signalling this?

o How often do you have to repeatedly tell the children that it's time to come in and yet they are deeply involved in play outside?

o How does this compare with engagement inside?

o Why haven't you paid attention to outside?

o What subtle messaging do you convey to families about the quality of outdoor play and activity?

Reflection is often deeper when we explore quality questions. Try not to keep asking the same questions, don't avoid difficult or challenging questions, try to be open and use reflection as fuel for future development. Environments are never 'done'. They need to evolve constantly so they remain responsive, relevant and current for the children using them now.

What questions do you have?

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Are you observing your learning environment as much as you are observing your children?

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I'm fortunate to travel with my work and meet a lot of interesting professionals. I love sharing The Communication Friendly Spaces™ Approach and its principles, also having lots of conversations about learning spaces. Similar kinds of questions and statements often come up. Sometimes it's perhaps...

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This publication is comprehensive explaining attachment and all the factors that can and do effect it. The information on each page is 'bitesize' making it accessible, information and a good starting point for CPD discussions.

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This is the first in a series of publications produced by the Child and Youth Studies Group at The Open University, United Kingdom, with the support of the Bernard van Leer Foundation.

The series provides accessible and clear reviews of the best and most recent available research, information and analysis on key policy issues, offering clear messages on core policy topics and questions. The subject of this issue is attachment relationships between infants and caregivers, what influences them and how they impact on an infant's development.

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Attachment Relationships: Quality of Care for Young Children

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This is the first in a series of publications produced by the Child and Youth Studies Group at The Open University, United Kingdom, with the support of the Bernard van Leer Foundation. The series provides accessible and clear reviews of the best and most recent available research, information and analysis on key policy issues, offering clear messages on core policy topics and questions.

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This website is extensive from YALE university.  This part looks at interactions and attunement with children to support the right engagement for children and adults to flourish. This link is to the Child Observational Tool which looks at
1 Explicit assessment of all interactions including adult-child, child-child, and adult-adult;
2. Explicit assessment of the extent to which adults are attuned to both children’s overt and subtle signals for assistance;
3. Explicit assessment of verbal, nonverbal, and paraverbal behaviors (e.g., adult affect and tone of voice; see Corrington, Hebl, & Tsang, 2018); and
4. Inclusion of items that examine how adults facilitate social problem-solving and equity.

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Climate of Healthy Interactions for Learning and Development (CHILD)

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Conducting a CHILD Assessment

The entire assessment takes about two hours, ideally divided into four coding blocks. Each coding block is about 30 minutes long. First, observers spend 20 minutes watching the classroom and taking copious notes on adults' and children's behaviors and interactions. Then, observers spend approximately 10 minutes anchoring and scoring each CHILD item based on their observation. This process is then repeated three more times, for a total of four coding blocks. The assessment must include both structured and unstructured activities, and may include activities such as snack, lunch, arrival/dismissal, and outdoor play.

Age Group and Setting

The Pre-School (or PK) CHILD is intended for the 3-5 year-old age group in center-based care and education centers. However, it has been used with younger and older age groups and also in non-center-based programs. Currently under development is a version of the CHILD specifically for Infants and Toddlers in family-based programs (I/T CHILD).

Utility

The CHILD Tool, and its predecessor the Preschool Mental Health Climate Scale (Gilliam, 2008), has been used most often to evaluate the quality of early childhood mental health consultation (ECMHC) services. The CHILD has also been used for professional development, primarily through CHILD-informed ECMHC. Early adopters of the CHILD include early childhood mental health consultants, researchers, program evaluators, school administrators and program directors, instructional coaches, and teachers. To date, it has been used across the US and in Canada.

Observer Training and Certification

There are no prerequisites for training in the CHILD Tool. However, training and certification on the CHILD is essential prior to its use. This ensures the Tool's integrity and increases its reliability and validity. Certification is granted to observers who complete the CHILD training and then score at least 80% on our online reliability assessment.

Currently two training formats are available:

1. In-person - A member of the CHILD Team will travel to your location and provide a 1.5-day interactive training.

2. Webinar - A member of the CHILD Team leads a 3-hour live webinar. Following the webinar, participants are given access to a suite of training videos online. The practice videos are self-paced, but must be completed within two weeks of the initial webinar.

Please contact us at childscale@yale.edu for additional information, scheduling, and pricing for both options.

Recertification or refresher training is available upon request. Additionally, we provide ongoing support to prevent coding drift, which is the natural tendency for observers to score the tool less reliably over time.

Distinction from Other Classroom Observation Instruments

There are many observational measures of the quality of early childhood care and education settings. Among the most prominently used are the Classroom Assessment Scoring System (CLASS; Pianta, LaParo, & Hamre, 2008) and the Early Childhood Environment Rating Scale (ECERS; Harms, Clifford, & Cryer, 2015). The CHILD is not intended to replace these other measures, but to supplement them. The CHILD takes a deep dive into the quality of the social and emotional dimensions of early learning settings.

The CHILD's unique attributes include its

1. Explicit assessment of all interactions including adult-child, child-child, and adult-adult;

2. Explicit assessment of the extent to which adults are attuned to both children's overt and subtle signals for assistance;

3. Explicit assessment of verbal, nonverbal, and paraverbal behaviors (e.g., adult affect and tone of voice; see Corrington, Hebl, & Tsang, 2018); and

4. Inclusion of items that examine how adults facilitate social problem-solving and equity.

Emerging Data

Training on the CHILD was in direct response to requests from various state agencies and school districts. Agreements with these entities entitled the CHILD Tool developers access to de-identified data collected independently. Data obtained from five states (N=678 classrooms) showed that CHILD scores fell mostly within the 0 or "baseline expectation" level and demonstrated very good internal consistency, Cronbach's αs=.87-.95 for individual dimensions (α=.98 for Total score).

Moreover, the CHILD was associated with structural elements of the classroom. Higher child-teacher ratios were associated with lower CHILD scores [for Total Score: r(406)= - .11, p=.021]. CHILD scores also differed in type of activity observed, F(2,130)=4.42, p=0.014. Post-hoc comparisons showed that CHILD scores were higher in structured activities (e.g., circle time) than in unstructured activities (e.g., outdoor playtime) or a combination of structured/unstructured activities. In addition, CHILD scores were associated moderately with CLASS scores (Pianta et al., 2008), rs(180)=.20-.29 for Total CHILD scores and CLASS domains.

Additional pilot data from a small sample of kindergarten classrooms indicated an association between the Social & Emotional dimension and English language learners' language proficiency test scores, with effect sizes as high as 2.27. The social and emotional climate-language link has been corroborated by an independent study from Duke University researchers. In addition to the CHILD's associations with language development, an independent study conducted by Duke University researchers also revealed that scores on the CHILD Tool were associated not only with preschool social-emotional competence but also with performance measures of executive functioning (Rosanbalm et al., manuscript in preparation). Early executive functioning abilities predict later school achievement, especially mathematical skills (Bull, Espy, & Wiebe, 2008; Clark, Pritchard, & Woodward, 2010).

download information about the CHILD Observation Tool [PDF]

References

Bull, R., Espy, K.A., & Wiebe, S.A. (2008). Short-term memory, working memory, and executive functioning in preschoolers: Longitudinal predictors of mathematical achievement at age 7 years. Developmental Neuropsychology, 33(3), 205-228. https://doi.org/10.1080/87565640801982312

Clark, C.A., Pritchard, V.E., & Woodward, L.J. (2010). Preschool executive functioning abilities predict early mathematics achievement. Developmental Psychology, 46(5), 1176-1191. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0019672

Corrington, A.R., Hebl, M., & Tsang, J. (2018). Behavioral indicators of discrimination in social interactions. In H. Giles & J. Harwood (Eds.), The Oxford Encyclopedia of Intergroup Communication. New York, NY: Oxford University Press.

Gilliam, W. S. (2008). Development of the preschool mental health climate scale. New Haven, CT: Yale University.

Gilliam, W.S., & Reyes, C.R. (2017). Climate of Healthy Interactions for Learning & Development, Draft Manual[Unpublished manual]. Edward Zigler Center in Child Development & Social Policy, Yale Child Study Center.

Harms, T., Clifford, R. M., & Cryer, D. (1998). Early childhood environment rating scale. Revised. New York: Teachers College Press.

Pianta, R. C., LaParo, K. M., & Hamre, B. K. (2008). Classroom assessment scoring system manual: Pre-K. Baltimore, MD: Brookes Publishing.

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CHILD Observation Tool - Climate of Healthy Interactions for Learning and Development (CHILD)

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Conducting a CHILD Assessment The entire assessment takes about two hours, ideally divided into four coding blocks. Each coding block is about 30 minutes long. First, observers spend 20 minutes watching the classroom and taking copious notes on adults' and children's behaviors and interactions.

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This short introduction to the work of Suzanne Zeedyk shows us the importance and the science behind human connection.

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If you are looking to support the physical curriculum in your setting to ensure that your children do not have retained primitive reflexes this is an great website to support your practice.  There is a link to some training although there is a cost.  This site is fantastic in giving support on all areas of OT.   You can also look at fit2learn and the work of Charlotte Davis to find out more about integration Fit 2 Learn – Optimising Cognitive Development (fit-2-learn.com)

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This post is all about retained primitive reflexes, what retained reflexes look like, and how they impact child development. You'll find specific strategies to integrate retained primitive reflexes as well. In a recent blog post, we discussed what are primitive infant reflexes, and why they are so important to infant development. Now, it is time to discuss what can happen if these reflexes hang around for too long.

Remember that every case is unique, and if your child matches these characteristics, that does not necessarily mean that they have retained that reflex. If you are concerned about your child's abilities and how they may relate to retained reflexes, we recommend talking to your pediatrician.

For more information on primitive reflexes and their impact on child development, be sure to check out some of these books on primitive reflexes.

retained Primitive Reflexes

The term "retained primitive reflexes" might be a phrase you've heard before. But what does that mean and what do retained reflexes look like in children? Well, there is a lot to cover.

Basically, as infants develop into toddlers, their primitive reflexes should do what health care professionals call "integration". The response that comes with the primitive reflex should integrate into a more mature or voluntary movement. When primitive reflexes are retained, those instinctive actions, movements will remain past the typical age range ...they continue to exist. They are retained.

If primitive reflexes are still present long after they should have integrated, the child will display certain characteristics specific to the retained reflex, many of which limit their development and academic skills.

Just to add some background information, when we say that primitive reflexes are integrated, that means that the movements (or reflexes) are absorbed and contributing to characteristics, actions and neurological responses. To put it in other words, a reflex moves along a neurologic arc and when integration of those reflexes occurs, a process where specific stimulus results in a predictable response (or lack of that predictable response) so that movements are more efficient. This occurs so the neurologic system is connected and communicating efficiently. It's all part of the nervous system.

PALMAR REFLEX

The palmar reflex is important for the development of purposeful grasping, something that an infant is learning throughout their first year of life. The palmar reflex can be seen when you place your finger in the palm of an infant's hand and their reflexive response is to hold on to your finger. What an adorable reflex, right?

This is not something we want to see in an older infant or child, though. While the response is necessary for a newborn to learn how to use their hands, it limits an older infant or child to only using their hands and fingers for a strong grip.

retained palmar reflex

Children with a retained palmer reflex may:

Get fatigued very easily with handwriting or fine motor tasks, like stringing beads.

Have a sensitive or "ticklish" palm

Open and close their mouths while using their hands for tasks like writing or cutting with scissors.

Have difficulty in speech articulation

The mouth and the hands are connected via neural pathways in infancy, and that connection is still strong in those who have the palmar reflex. This is why the movements of the mouth and speech may be involved in the retained palmar reflex.

How to integrate the Palmar Reflex:

Tasks that encourage separate use the fingers

Squeeze a ball with one finger and thumb, alternating fingers to squeeze

Stringing Beads

Playing with small Legos or similar toys

MORO REFLEX

The Moro reflex is also called the startle reflex - it can be seen in a frightened infant up to about 4 to 6 months old. The reflex causes a baby to stretch out their arms and legs, and quickly bring them back in, in jerky movements. This is in response to the feeling of falling, a loud sound, or a drastic change in temperature.

Retained Moro Reflex

Children with retained Moro reflexes are often very sensitive to stimuli - sounds, tags on clothing, lights, etc. They tend to lack emotional and self-regulation skills and have a difficult time paying attention in class. Without an integrated Moro reflex, their fight or flight response can be activated very easily causing them to have deficits in many areas of life.

How to integrate the Moro Reflex:

Starfish Exercise

While seated, open up into a big "X" shape with straight arms and legs.

Cross right ankle over left & Cross right arm over left

Open up to big "X"

Cross left ankle over right & Cross left arm over right

Repeat

This is also how you can test for its presence! If a child has a very difficult time completing these actions, without another known cause, they may have a retained Moro reflex.

TONIC LABYRINTHINE REFLEX

The tonic labyrinthine reflex (TLR) is used for head and postural control. We know that baby has poor control of their head and neck when they are born, and this reflex is part of what helps them gain control over this part of their body.

Retained Tonic LABYRINTHINE reflex

This reflex typically integrates around 4 months old, but if it persists, the following may occur:

Difficulties judging space, speed, depth, and distance.

Toe walking

Discoordination in simultaneous movements, such as walking or swimming.

Avoiding lying on their stomach.

Children with retained TLRs tend to be perceived as clumsy and often have a difficult time sitting upright and still in their chairs. This can decrease their ability to pay attention in the classroom setting. When posture exercises in kids don't work, sometimes it's easy for teachers or parents to wonder what is going on, when a look at retained reflexes may be in order. In some cases, integrating the TLR reflex can support posture.

How to integrate TONIC LABYRINTHINE REFLEX

Incorporate activities on their stomachs as much as possible, or for as long as they can manage each day.

Try reading, watching TV, or playing with a toy while on their tummies

Daily practice will strengthen their muscles and correct this response.

ASYMMETRICAL TONIC NECK REFLEX

This reflex is important to the initiation of crawling, as the arms and legs move as a baby turns their head while on their belly. While infants are on their bellies, and while crawling, they are exposed to a ton of visual stimulation by looking at their arms moving, looking and grabbing toys, etc. Tummy time is so important for this reason and more!

The ATNR should disappear around the time an infant is gearing up for crawling, around 6 months old.

Retained ASYMMETRICAL TONIC NECK REFLEX

If asymmetrical tonic neck reflex doesn't integrate, the following may occur:

Poor Coordination during movements like skipping or riding a bike

Trouble crossing midline
Example: Moving right arm to left side of the body to buckle a seat belt.

Poor visual tracking = academic issues
Difficulty reading and writing

A quick test for a retained ANTR starts with having the child stand with both arms directly out in front of them. Ask the child to slowly turn their head all the way to the left. Their left arm will remain straight and their right arm will bend if the reflex is still present.

How to integrate the ATNR

Lizard Crawling Exercise

Start on the stomach

Look to your left, and bend your left elbow and left knee

Look to your right, and bend your right elbow and right knee

There are many more primitive reflexes, as well as postural reflexes, that are important to child development and student success. We have not covered everything here, but we hope to have given you a nice place to start building your understanding of what may happen when primitive reflexes are maintained over time.

Want to learn more about primitive reflexes, what to do when reflexes are retained, and how to know there might be an issue? Check out this primitive reflexes course. (affiliate link)

Assessment And Integration Of Primitive Reflexes For Improved Independence In Daily Activities is a course on primitive reflexes where you'll learn how to, screen, test and integrate retained primitive reflexes and find tools to help your client or child improve motor, social and daily functioning skills by implementing fun, therapeutic, and functional activities!

In this primitive reflexes course, created by two occupational therapists, you'll find modules and functional intervention activities for:

1. Moro reflex

2. The Tonic Labyrinthine (TLR) & Landau Reflex

3. The Rooting Reflex

4. The Asymmetrical Tonic Neck Reflex (ATNR)

5. The Spinal Galant Reflex

6. The Palmar Grasp Reflex

7. The Symmetric Tonic Neck Reflex (STNR)

8. Support for kids who push back

9. Printable handouts, screening tools, and checklists

10. Information on postural reflexes, yoga, sensory diets, and more

11. Case studies

12. Research

13. AOTA continuing education: 1.05 AOTA CEUs

If your child has retained primitive reflexes, learning to integrate them could lead to improved development in many areas:

Find out more and gain insight and tools on retained primitive reflexes and start supporting kids needs with " Assessment And Integration Of Primitive Reflexes For Improved Independence In Daily Activities " today

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Retained Primitive Reflexes & Child Development - The OT Toolbox

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Looking for info on retained primitive reflexes? We're talking palmar reflex, ATNR, moro reflex, and other primitive reflexes, and more.

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This infographic show the different styles alongside the levels of anxiety and avoidance

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Peter Fonagy talks about what mentalising is and how it develops from the relationships with our primary caregivers and people around us. We all want someone who understands us and that relationship can support behaviour, thoughts and feelings.

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Peter Fonagy, Anna Freud Centre Chief Executive: What is Mentalization? interview

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This short video explains what mentalising is in terms of it being an imaginative, process that develops over a long time, helps us to understand the behaviour of ourselves and others through curiosity and reflection, and which comes from the close relationships we have and form with others. It also explains what happens if we stop mentalising and our emotions take over!

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Introducing Mentalizing for AMBIT (shorter version)

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This is a fantastic project in Norfolk to help Dads bond and improve relationships with their children

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A Norwich father has been able to stabilise his life and provide a nurturing home for his young son, following help from Children's Services specialist support workers.

Dave, who is 35, had been struggling with his mental health and a problematic relationship with his partner, which had broken down before their son was born. Very early in his young life, the couple's son was taken into care and placed with a foster family.

Dave said: "It was such a rough time. I have a borderline personality disorder and didn't have a very nice childhood myself, so I had no idea how to bring up a child.

"I was struggling to be a good dad and was full of doubt and fear.

"Although I didn't have the best start with social workers, this turned a corner and I worked with a fantastic one who was really prepared to listen and understand. I was referred to Dad's Matter, which has just been the best thing I've ever done. My life has taken a u-turn in the best way."

Dad's Matter is a free 12-week programme run by the Intensive and Specialist Support Service (ISSS) from Norfolk Children's Social Care. It aims to support fathers to have meaningful roles in their children's lives whether they live with or apart from them. The programme teaches them the skills to engage and communicate with their children and work constructively with Children's Services and other professionals. Since it started, it has supported more than 250 fathers which has resulted in more than 540 children having improved relationships and contact.

Children's Social Care introduced ISSS in June 2020 as part of its transformation programme. It includes intensive parenting and children's mental health specialists, domestic abuse workers, therapeutic workers, and substance misuse workers offering expertise to frontline practitioners working with families.

Keir Brisbane-Langsdon, ISSS team manager, said: "We know how important fathers are to their families, and particularly for the development of their children.

"Dads Matter is a crucial service that addresses this by supporting fathers to embrace a more meaningful role as a parent, and by working with our colleagues to promote this across Children's Services."

Deputy cabinet member for Children's Services Cllr Daniel Elmer said: "We know children will always be far more likely to flourish if they have parents and carers who have the capacity and ability to be truly present in their lives.

"Life can be tough for parents, we know that. But any challenges they are facing don't have to be lifelong, things can get better with the right support. It's our job to provide that support to those parents and carers who are willing to work with us."

Dave said: "I wouldn't be the full-time dad I am now if it wasn't for Dads Matter.

"They made me start really thinking about what I wanted for my life and for my son. It helped me to help myself and I've got so much more confidence now. I'm much calmer and can deal with all the ups and downs so much better.

"It's really done wonders for us, I feel so proud when I think what we've come through - it puts a smile on my face. I recommend Dads Matter to everyone I know."

Dave's case is now closed to Children's Services. Now working full-time in a building and maintenance role, he has had sole care of his son for almost three years and they live together in the Norwich area. His son now five and an energetic and fun-loving boy in his reception year at school with a love of combine harvesters and going to the car wash on a regular basis.
Find out more about Dads Matter

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supporting dads to have improved relationships with their children

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Supporting dads to have improved relationships with their children

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Father able to stabilise his life and provide a nurturing home for his young son following help from specialist support workers

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This website is used by schools and settings and has a page to offer information and support for parents.

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Supporting children with attachment difficulties - information for parents/carers - Educational Psychology & Specialist Support

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As children grow up, they develop attachments to their main care givers. It is thought that children develop different types of attachments, depending on the relationships they have in their early life. 'Nurturing adult attachments provide children with protective, safe havens and secure bases from which to explore and engage with others and their environment'...

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Advice and guidance on services and support available in Norfolk, for parents and carers of 0-5-year-olds. Part of the Early Childhood and Family Service (ECFS).

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Lindsey Braman is a therapist and artist whose blog here (along with her artwork) explains how attunement and containment help form attachments. There is also a link to rupture and repair where she agrees that rupture is inevitable in all our relationships and so repair is vital. You can purchase her artwork as well

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Attunement and Containment - along with Rupture and Repair - are key building blocks for relationships that support the formation of healthy attachments. In this article, we'll dive a little deeper into understanding containment and attunement, and how these puzzle pieces fit into the larger concept of forming healthy attachments to the people we care about.

Read on for an explanation of these psychology sketchnotes, click here to download the printable PDFs, or click here to jump to a detailed image descrip t ion.

Containment and Why It Matters for Attachment

To help understand how containment works in attachment, think of a container: a defined space that can safely hold and accommodate its contents.

In the realm of psychology, containment refers to the relational ability to "hold" whatever the other person needs held (emotionally, mentally), and to create a sense of safety in the relational space.

Consider a parent or caregiver interacting with a toddler who is just beginning to experience more complex emotions: the child may be overwhelmed by what they are feeling, unable to regulate themselves, and past their capacity to calm themselves down. When a caregiver steps in with a regulated and calm demeanor, acknowledges and identifies the emotion, offers good care, and helps the child begin to regulate, what the caregiver is offering is containment. The parent helps hold the emotion while the child can safely begin to soothe.

[PS: If you are this parent/caregiver/teacher/etc. currently helping a child learn emotional regulation, check out my resources on Emotional Regulation.]

These early experiences of containment are key in building secure attachments: a child can consistently depend on an adult to help create a safe relational space for self-regulation. Adults who may not have had this opportunity for early containment experiences and may have different relational attachment styles (like drama bonding or being anxiously attachment) can experience earned secure attachments within relationships that offer containment - whether a therapeutic relationship or with an attuned partner (*read more about attunement below!).

Whether in early childhood, adolescence, or in adulthood - containment looks like being able to trust the other person in the relationship to be physically, emotionally, and mentally present with us. This looks like taking the time to be present with us - without distraction, having mental space to be with us and process emotions and experiences, communicating and responding in an empathic manner, and being boundaried in their interaction with us.

Boundaries are important for a myriad of reasons, but essentially: it is important that there be a distinction between helping hold emotional experiences and becoming overwhelmed by them, as the person holding. A boundary helps both people involved know where their emotions and experiences end and the others' begins.

While empathy is important in containment - to express to the person that their feelings are being mutually felt and they are not alone in them - empathy alone does not contain. The process of containment involves:

Courage from both people to be present with emotions,

Wisdom from the one containing to know how to help navigate the experience with the other person

Boundaries (as mentioned above), and

Self-awareness from both people - which is helpful in understanding boundaries, emotions, experiences, and regulation.

Cats like to curl up and nap in cardboard boxes because boxes provide a defined space that is boundaried and set apart from the outside world. We do this emotionally and experientially, as humans, through boundaries that define "this is my space" versus "this is your space." Boundaries are helpful- especially in offering containment to those we care about or work with. To be able to hold space for another person, we must know where our boundaries lie.

Though some of us may have experienced a lack of boundaries in previous relationships (even to the point of enmeshment, where personal boundaries are blurred to an unhealthy degree of functioning), wanting good boundaries is natural and healthy.

Ultimately, the feeling and experience of containment comes through attuned care. This means that in our relationships - whether in childhood, adolescence, or adulthood - where the other person is attuned, attentive, responsive, and empathic, we will experience containment.

Now, let's dive into what it means to be attuned:

Attunement and Why it Matters for Forming Attachments

To best understand the term attunement, think of the phrase "in tune with." Attunement is being aware of and responsive to another person's emotions and/or needs. In some way, if a person is attuned to another, this sensing of emotions and needs can almost be predictive: the person is known so well that their response can be anticipated.

This can be as simple as a caregiver sensing when a child needs a snack because they know the child's natural rhythm to a person sensing their friend's emotions and being able to sit with them or care for them in the way they need without them having to ask. Attunement feels like being the center of someone else's attention and receiving care out of that attention.

Knowing exactly how to respond to someone's needs and emotions, whether a child or an adult, can be overwhelming. Terrifying even. Perhaps it feels like a big responsibility. What if you don't respond the "best" way? Don't worry: attunement isn't about responding perfectly or in a way that meets all needs, but is simply about empathically responding, period. Attunement looks like showing up - being present for the person and their needs/emotions - and validating those things for them.

Attunement is about having a person feel as though they are understood, seen, and felt with by another person. Good attunement requires just this: being able to read a person's needs or emotions, see those needs and emotions, and stay present with that person, even when it feels tough. At the end of the day: attunement is always a choice - to show up and be with a person or not, and it's not always an easy choice!

As we consistently show up and validate a person's needs, this attuning process grows the capacity for felt safety within relationships. As you provide attunement for a person, they will feel safe with you - or as a person does this for you, you may feel safer with them! The important piece here is attention: distraction prevents attunement. It may feel easier to tap out and not be present, but as presence and connection are mindfully attended to in a relationship, attunement will grow.

Download a Printable PDF of this Attachment Series
Or get All-Access as a $5/mo Patron
More Attachment Related Resources

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Understanding How Attunement & Containment Help Form Attachments - LindsayBraman.com

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Attunement and Containment - along with Rupture and Repair - are key building blocks for relationships that support the formation of healthy attachments. In this article, we'll dive a little deeper into understanding containment and attunement and how these puzzle pieces fit into the larger concept of forming healthy attachments to the people we care about.

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cuddling releases Oxytocin which is known as the love hormone. Getting cuddles makes us feel good and loved and secure. Tiny Happy People look at the science behind cuddles and their importance for babies - and everyone!

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But did you know just how powerful your cuddles can be? To find out, we spoke to psychologists about how important touch and skin-to-skin contact is to babies' early development, bonds with their parents and sense of wellbeing.

According to clinical psychologist Linda Blair, human babies are unique as mammals in the amount they need physical touch.

We're helpless for a relatively longer period in our life than any other creature. We need to be made warm, held, brought close. It's necessary for survival.

When you cuddle your child, both of you receive a flood of a hormone called oxytocin, which you may have heard referred to as 'the love hormone', owing to the warm, fuzzy feeling you might feel when it's released.

According to Linda, this hormone is better understood as "a bonding hormone that makes you feel safe where you are and who you're with." Oxytocin is released through making eye-contact with loved ones and friends, but it is most dramatically increased through touch. This means that cuddling your baby is a key way to strengthen the bond between you.

Developmental psychologist Suzanne Zeedyk agrees, "You boost your baby's sense of feeling safe, feeling like they belong. Physical closeness feels safe for a baby." Skin-to-skin contact increases the level of oxytocin released in the brain. "It's sort of like turning up the volume on the stereo - it's much more powerful," says Linda.

Linda adds that when you and your baby cuddle, "not only do you feel safe, but you also feel calmer and happier and satisfied." This owes to the knock-on effect oxytocin has on other hormones within the brain.

Oxytocin allows serotonin to rise, which can contribute to feelings of happiness in you and your baby. It also leads to a hit of dopamine, which allows you to feel a sense of reward. On top of this, Oxytocin makes levels of cortisol, the stress hormone, drop in both of you.

This hormonal change leads to changes in your baby's behaviour. "The more oxytocin your baby has in their body, the easier it will be for you as a parent," says Suzanne. "They'll cry less, they'll cope with changes better and they'll be more patient. They'll sleep better too."

This balancing act of oxytocin and cortisol is key to how your baby learns to respond to stress. "A baby's stress system is incomplete at birth. It's very fragile and will change and develop on the basis of the experiences that a baby has," says Suzanne. "That's really exciting, but it's also a little bit scary for grown-ups, because you start to realise how important you are to the baby."

By cuddling your baby when they feel stressed and in need of that oxytocin boost, says Suzanne, they're learning that they can feel safe with you and that they can trust you to meet their needs.

If you have enough comforting experiences as a baby, you feel safe, you feel relaxed. You build different neural pathways.

You may have heard from well-meaning friends and relatives that you'll 'make a rod for your own back' by cuddling your baby too much. But according to Suzanne, the opposite can be true if you give your child cuddles when they need them. "They'll trust you more. By that I mean they'll let you go to the loo for longer. They're less scared by you being gone. So you can spend an extra 15 seconds in the loo on your own before your baby's anxiety climbs. The baby can start to withstand longer and longer periods of stress, because they know you'll come back and the heart doesn't beat so fast in those periods of stress."

Suzanne says that as a society, we're often led to cuddle, carry and hug children less and less, whether that's through children being placed in prams, car seats or strollers, but that their developing stress systems need plenty of physical touch in order for children to develop their own resilience.

The problem comes when you're going against children's desire to explore the world around as they gain greater independence. "As the baby grows, you want more and more exploring" says Linda, "but when I'm talking about growing, I'm talking about years, not weeks."

Suzanne agrees, "If you are paying attention to what your baby needs, if you're paying attention to when they need closeness and you're paying attention to when they need distance, your baby will come to trust you, and then they'll now trust other people too."

An Israeli study conducted in 2014 compared a group of premature babies who had received skin-to-skin cuddles from their mothers from birth and those who had significantly less skin-to-skin contact. Remarkably, the 10-year-old children who had been held more by their mums responded less dramatically to stress, their sleep was more consistent, and they had better control of their behaviour than the other group. There was also better back and forth interaction between children and their parents. This suggests that cuddling children as babies can have a lasting positive effect.

Linda suspects that learning about turn-taking is part and parcel of early cuddles, as during these bonding moments, parents focus on their child's needs in an up-close and personal way. "If the baby starts squirming, you naturally loosen up. If the baby is shivering, you naturally cuddle more. You're teaching turn-taking: they express a need, and you respond. It deepens the parent-child bond, but it also makes the baby more aware of the importance of turn-taking in a relationship without them knowing."

Turn-taking is key to children's social skills as they learn to communicate, forming the basis of conversation as they learn language.

Suzanne is keen to stress that regular cuddling and skin-to-skin contact could potentially have a lifelong impact on their babies. She wants parents to realise that while this may make them feel anxious, they deserve to know how important it is, so that they take cuddling seriously.

It is sweet, but it's also really, really, really important.

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The science of cuddling: Why cuddling is so great for babies

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Your baby loves cuddles, but did you know the science behind cuddling and babies' development? Learn more in this short animation.

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WHY DOES ATTACHMENT MATTER IN EARLY YEARS?

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WHY DOES ATTACHMENT MATTER IN EARLY YEARS?

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This article looks at all the language in relation to attachment and talks about its relevancy and importance in settings. There is also a link in this article to part 2 where professional love is discussed.

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Sarah Heale of charity What About the Children? looks into the crucial role secure attachment plays in children's development and wellbeing...
After years in the wilderness attachment is back, but you'd be forgiven for thinking you'd imagined the whole thing after the government's attitude towards adult:child ratios in recent years.

What About The Children? promotes the importance of secure attachment in the early years and the vital role that consistent, loving care plays in brain development.

The introduction of the revised EYFS framework in 2014 meant that some progress was made on attachment. The switch to the phrase 'key person' from 'key worker' put a greater focus on relationships.

Why is the relationship so important in a nursery setting? Isn't that where mum and dad come in? After all, intimate relationships with other people's children are complicated - not least because of child protection issues.

What is attachment?

The term attachment is used to refer to the emotional relationships between a baby and the people who spend the most time caring for the baby. It provides the baby with a comforting sense of security and safety.

From six months onwards (peaking at around 12 months and tailing off between the ages of two and three) a baby exhibits attachment behaviours. They show a desire for closeness to the primary attachment figure (usually mum) in a variety of ways:

● following her with their eyes or moving themselves to be close, especially in new situations

● separation anxiety when the attachment figure is not present

● crying if she leaves

● excitement on her return

● clinging behaviour on her return as if they fear she will leave again

● fear of strangers

Multiple attachment figures

Of course, infants will form attachments to other caregivers who love them. Current thinking suggests that some relationships are more important than others, with the primary attachment figure at the top of the pyramid, then a couple of people in the next tier and a few more in the next, and so on.

The attachments will get weaker as you go down the pyramid. The infant will do better in their development with one or two strong attachment relationships rather than several weaker ones.

"Of course, infants will form attachments to other caregivers who love them"

In fact, research suggests children seem to do best when they have at least three adults who consistently send the message, 'I care about you'.

Researchers theorise that spending time with non-parental caregivers - a grandparent, daycare teacher, family friend, doting aunt - helps infants learn to read different facial expressions and expand their ability to take the perspectives of others.

Why is attachment important?

There is now little doubt that the first three years of life shape a human's mental, emotional and physical health for life - and quite out of proportion to the later years of childhood.

The third birthday is a milestone, because brain development is about 90 per cent complete, speech is established and separation from the main carer becomes easier. New horizons open up: friendships can be formed, preschool education becomes relevant and independence is a new skill to try out.

We now know that it is consistent, loving care that enables all this to happen. It fires the links between brain cells (particularly in the emotional centre of the brain) which allow the brain to grow.

There are many ways synaptic links are fired, but in the first few years it is loving communication and attunement between child and carers that is key. The relationships that under-threes have with their carers are the key predictor of development - social, emotional and physical.

What does attachment look like?

These are the four key features in 'psychology speak':

Affect synchrony: the carer's ability to pick up cues from the infant and adapt her/his behaviour accordingly. For example, if the carer sees the baby is unhappy they'll pick up the baby, speaking soothingly to them. It causes stress for the infant if the carer misreads the cues and becomes either too intrusive or too withdrawn. For example, a carer who persists in trying to engage a baby when they are obviously turning away or pulling away from them increases the child's distress.

Mentalisation: the process of interacting with the infant as a sentient being with desires, intentions and thoughts - in addition to caring for the child's physical needs. So a carer who sees a baby kicking his legs and making eye contact might say, "Do you want to play?" or "Are you ready for your bath?"

Mirroring: the carer's skill in reflecting back to the infant an approximation for what her infant is feeling. Good carers tend to make exaggerated happy and sad faces at little ones, making them easier to imitate and building on the baby's basic innate understanding of emotional communication.

Containment: the carer's ability to take on a child's overwhelming feelings and make them more manageable for the infant. The carer may use touch, speech or gesture to convey to the infant that they understand what they are going through.

"To make the message even plainer, it's about love and consistency"

In layman's terms that means...

● Spending considerable time each day one-to-one: talking, cuddling, making them laugh

● Calming an infant when they're stressed - using eye-to-eye contact with gentle murmured conversation to soothe

● Over time, developing an understanding of their communication attempts and responding accordingly

And to make the message even plainer, it's about love and consistency.

What does it mean for me?

In a nutshell, carers have a great deal of influence over a child's development and future wellbeing. Like the builder who says "I am building a cathedral" rather than "I am laying bricks", so an early years practitioner should say "I am building our future society" rather than "I am changing nappies."
Read Sarah's article on the emotional challenges of implementing strong attachment. Sarah Heale is a trustee of charity What About The Children?
You may also be interested in...

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Attachment in children - Why does it matter in Early Years settings? | A Unique Child | Teach Early Years

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Teach Early Years magazine is the leading B2B title for early years teachers, practitioners and providers, offering expert advice on educating the 0-5s and operating a sustainable childcare business.

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These core concepts from the Harvard Centre get us thinking about how active a young child's brain is, and how influential we are on its development. Understanding how important our role is in supporting these concepts is vital.

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Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University

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Three Core Concepts in Early Development

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This video series depicts how advances in neuroscience, molecular biology, and genomics give us a better understanding of how early experiences are built into our bodies and brains.

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This whole series is on Netflix and is incredible! This first episode is all about oxytocin and how the bonding process doesn't care if you are the mum or the dad or the biological parents. Oxytocin comes to us all when we interact and bond with babies and children. enjoy!

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This is a lovely booklet for dads and has some more resources in the back.

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This resource can be use to support parents with ideas and also to create a 'bridge' between home and setting to support relationships and consistency of care.

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Bonding with your baby - BBC Tiny Happy People

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Want to find out more about how to bond with a baby or child? From bonding with your premature baby in hospital to bonding with grandchildren and adopted kids, this page is full of films and articles on building a relationship with your baby, toddler or preschooler.

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Suzanne Zeedyk's work centres on human connection and attachment. This theory is about helping us understand how babies and children may see the world and how we can be more compassionate and reflective. Loving and supporting interactions will develop our inner teddy bear which helps us in times of stress.

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This little video is from Zero to Three and is a practitioner talking about an incident in her setting that totally changed the way she viewed children and her practice.

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This is a powerful message about the power that we have over children. Children will not assume the adult is wrong but that they are wrong. This goes to support how they see themselves and their thoughts about how others see them too.

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Tamsin Grimmer uses this idea in her work on 'loving pedagogy' adapted from the the work of Campbell and Chapman. These little things that we can do support those relationships and show the child they are valued *note you do need to think about your key child and their needs. It might be that some of these ideas like physical touch might be something that Autistic children find uncomfortable but that does NOT mean they do not want to connect and there are many ways to do this (please look at the neurodivergent love locutions infographic below).

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It is important we recognise that neurodivergent children may look for and give love and caring in ways that are not neurotypical. Use this little infographic to think about how you might use different ways to connect and be in tune with children.

Info-dumping: sharing details about their interests.

Parallel play: doing activities alongside each other.

Support swapping: helping another person look out for themselves or perform a difficult task.

Deep Pressure: providing deep pressure or physical touch.

Penguin Pebbling "I found this cool rock/button/leaf/etc and thought you would like it"

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Epigenetics is an expanding area of research that talks about the importance of the time baby is in the womb before being born and the effect that their environment has on them even then.

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This link takes you to the Early Years training page where you can find all updated brochures each term. Please look in the SEND brochure for courses for ASC and the EYFS brochure for key person training.

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The brochures below include early years and childcare courses taking place during autumn 2023. Further dates and titles will be added to these brochures throughout the term. Please refer to the Mailing List section below to ensure you are subscribed to receive emails when we add new training opportunities.

The majority of courses will take place online using Zoom or Teams, however, some courses are scheduled to take place face to face. Please check the venue details for each course carefully before you apply.

Settings can apply for multiple places per course, however, a maximum of 4 spaces* per setting will be allocated initially to ensure fairness of opportunity. Additional members of staff will be added to a waiting list and allocated a place should the course have spaces prior to the start date.

*1 space per setting for Signalong Introduction and Signalong Routines workshops due to reduced training group size.

EYFS Training Brochure Autumn 2023

Health and Safety Training Brochure Autumn 2023

Inclusion/SEND Training Brochure Autumn 2023

Leadership and Management Training Brochure Autumn 2023
Safeguarding Training Brochure Autumn 2023
Early Years and Childcare Training Summer 2023

EYFS Practice Training Brochure Summer 2023

Health and Safety Training Brochure Summer 2023

Inclusion/SEND Training Brochure Summer 2023

Leadership and Management Training Brochure Summer 2023

Safeguarding Training Brochure Summer 2023

First Aid Training

12 Hour Paediatric First Aid courses are available to book with Norfolk Adult Learning. Please type 'Level 3 paediatric first aid' into the search bar on the site for a list of courses in Norfolk this term.

If you are unable to book with Norfolk Adult Learning please email earlyyearschildcare@norfolk.gov.uk for advice on your options.

Applications for training must be made at least 24 hours** prior to the course start date. We are unable to accept bookings after this time. If the course is taking place on a Monday we would need you to apply by the morning of the Friday before in order for your booking to be processed.

Joining instructions are emailed 3 days prior to the start of the course (unless you have applied late, then you will receive them 24 hours in advance of the start of the course).

If you are booked on to a course please ensure you have the joining instructions 24 hours in advance of the course so there is time to contact us if there are any issues.

**48 hours for courses in the Safeguarding Training brochure.

If you would like to be kept up to date with future training opportunities and early years developments, please subscribe to our email newsletter service

FAQs
How do I pay for training?
If there is a charge for your course, your setting will be invoiced after the training takes place - usually towards the end of each half term period. You must pay promptly to avoid your future training applications being affected.
What happens after I've applied?
We will email you regarding your training application within 24 hours (during business hours, Monday-Friday). If you fail to receive any communication from us during this time frame you will need to contact us to check on the status of your application, in order to avoid any unnecessary non-attendance fees. It is the responsibility of the setting to check on the progress of applications if you fail to receive anything from us.
What should I do if I cannot attend a course?
If you are unable to attend a course you must email your name, setting and details of the course you're cancelling your place on to earlyyearschildcare@norfolk.gov.uk

You will receive an email acknowledgement confirming the cancellation.
*We do not accept cancellations by phone* Cancellation and Non-Attendance Charges:

Cancelled place more than 24 hours' notice - No charge

Cancelled place less than 24 hours' notice - Cost of the place

No notice, didn't turn up or didn't fully complete a course with advertised costs - Cost of the place

When will I get my certificate?
If there is no charge for the training, certificates are issued after the training has taken place and will be emailed to you. If there is a charge, certificates are issued after the invoice has been paid (invoices are sent towards the end of each half term period).

If you did not find what you were looking for please contact the Early Years Learning & Achievement Service by email earlyyearschildcare@norfolk.gov.uk , alternatively call 01603 222300

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PPT  SLIDES PART 1 ATTUNEMENT AND ATTACHMENT 

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PPT  SLIDES PART 1 ATTUNEMENT AND ATTACHMENT 

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These are the slides from part 1 of the training which you can use for your own CPD

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NEW training A+A part 1 no notes - Autumn 2024