# data[].attributes.body
10:37am
uHM GUESS WHO FORGOT ABOUT MAKING THIS-
okay but on my defense i can say that i don’t have anything to complain about?
i’ve been feeling quite happy this week?
yes i used monday for sleeping after my night shifts so i didn’t think much because i was asleep 24/7
on tuesday i was more awake but sleepy enough not to think much? i just ironed some clothes during the day and then i had the rabb.it date with you!
i really enjoyed it and it felt so refreshing :(
we even cuddled after so long!!
and even though i asked to go slowly i just- i couldn’t refrain myself from kissing you and holding you tight..
i really missed kissing you..
today is also our sixth monthsary! i am so happy!! we’ve been through a lot and i bet we’ll go through more lmao but as long as we love each other and work into staying together and fixing problems then it’s not a bad thing? with all of my past relationships it was just everything is fine>>problem>>break up because nobody wants to admit they did something wrong or wants to fix things, and i’m so glad that it’s different with you.. yea a pain in the ass sometimes but i love pain no?

11:49am
on another note, who’s that mei? i understand she’s your friend but she just sent me a follow request ;;;

2:53pm
oh you seem to love dom heath ;)))
just admit you enjoy being called pathetic slut😩💦

6:14pm
i just found out that a friend of mine is an admin in an rp and that it’s pretty small, so i’m trying to spread it around and make more people join!
i hope you can join with me so we can have some more fun hehe i’m already imagining acting as if we weren’t dating and theN bOOM SURPRISE!!
oh also, today i’ve been feeling physically sick :( my mother made me take a pill for nausea and kept asking me if i was taking any meds like??? maybe vitamins? and she nagged at me for stopping taking iron pills buT i finished it so it’s not really my fault :( and i’m sorry if this is a bit ooc related but i really wanted to tell you that i’m sick so i need extra loving :(

10:45pm
i feel like you’re going through bad thoughts rn.. i wanna give you enough space to reorganize your mind but at the same time i want to be there with you.. but how? i can let you vent and i told you to remove toxic people from your life but i know it’s difficult.. i just hope you can feel better :(
i’m trying to cheer you up with silly stuff so that you don’t think about those bad things
i love you

# data[].attributes.body
4:09am
wow you sent me so many pictures of yourself and the people you cherish the most and i’m just- sniffles. you’re so beautiful ohmy i was melting on my bed the whole time and wow thank you? i feel like i don’t deserve all this lov and affection :(

5:16am
is mei....ethan? she really gives me the same vibe he used to give me and idk i do miss him but still not mentally prepared for a confrontation with him

5:43am
biTCH I KNEW IT. MY SIXTH SENSE NEVER MALFUNCTIONS, MY GUT FEELING IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

5:55am
if my gut feeling is always right then i should tell vi that my dislike for a person she knows will probably have an important reason

9:48pm
idk i guess i’m not fully comfortable with mei. idk it irks me now that i know who she was. and i don’t wanna be the jealous boyfriend who doesn’t want you to have friends because that would be extremely hypocritical to me but idk, you have your coping mechanisms and i’ll find mine

# data[].attributes.body
6:47pm
what i did today was

making pancakes using a bottle and cooking them in a waffle maker so they became waffles

playing piano

eating

cleaning the house

playing piano again

panicking because the piano was making a weird noise and i thought i’d explode on me

relaxing once i found out athena just turned on the motor hence the weird noise

cleaning my wardrobe bc i’m aiming to be a minimalist (my mother is already laughing)

and not i’ll go cook something tasty

and hhhhh i don’t really wanna talk today, idk i’m not in the mood to be social and the mei thing still makes me uncomfortable even though i’ve been trying to repress it and idk i miss you but at the same time i want space for myself

7:54pm
and now that i think about it i can’t even whine about you having an ex as a friend because i have one too but only two people know about them and i’m sure one of them already forgot  and it shouldn’t be a problem because my ex is hella inactive and they just wanted me to forgive them and be friends again which i try to but we don’t talk lmao

10:58pm
why is this situation stressing me out so much?
we just got out of a fight and shit has to happen again? just.. why? why did you have to tell me that it was ethan? why confirm my suspicions? why not just..let me live with the benefit of the doubt? now i just have to

11:43pm
i had to interrupt because i found out that athena ran away once Again and i went out trying to find her, then i had a mini panic attack and bawled my eyes out(is that the right way of saying it?) then i calmed myself and when i went to the balcony i spotted her running in the fucking dark and she was meowing angrily at me as if it was My Fault that she opened the balcony’s door and went out smh.
as i was saying, now i just have to deal with stress and suspicion daily because my brain just goes
“oh he can fall for him again” ‘but ethan seems to be in a relationship now’ “it’s not like relationships stopped them last time” ‘oh wow heath so petty’
and i hate this feeling of insecurity and tension because who fucking knows! you’re friends now yea but what do i do with ethan’s tweets in his old account? who is he referring to?
who can i trust now?
you told me that he reached out to you to make some kind of peace and that you treated him coldly but i can see now that cold for you is the equivalent of super affectionate and clingy so i wonder what you’d do if you weren’t so cold
and wow i really have to be petty about it, i’m so embarrassed for how i’m feeling but i cant really keep it a secret since it’s pretty obvious that something is bothering me

# data[].attributes.body
9:01am

so.. i read your padlet and i guess it gave me mixed feelings? most likely how you’ll feel after reading mine lmao. i just have some things to point out

i never said that you’re not allowed to leave, i just ask you to inform me first at least because you can’t just go SIKE on me and disappear, at least a “hey i don’t feel good, i’ll be off for a bit” is fine. i’m okay with taking a step back to have some alone time to reflect on what hurt you, i do it too, but at least warn me or make it clear on the tl that you’ll have some me-time idk

okay sO, i’ve never said you were abusive to me, you said it to yourself and probably vi or someone else idk said it to you. after all of this it took you an unbiased friend to ask me if i think you’re abusive to me? god i hate that word so much, it makes me so uncomfortable reading it and having to say it but i’m too lazy to find any synonym so.. now what i say may sound rude but you don’t want me to hold in my thoughts so i’ll say it, you always say that you know what abuse is because you’ve been through it and that’s totally fine, i’m not minimizing your experiences and pain nor saying that you’re wrong, but can’t i know what abuse is too? my sister is in what i call a psychologically abusive relationship, since the day she admitted that she cheated on him(yea it’s a bad think but she had reasons and whatev) he started pressuring her and attacking her for everything she did, “where are you going? why are you going out? you’re going out to cheat on me. who are you going with? you should stay home and care for the kids. who sent you that message? what did they say? who are you talking to? why were you staring at that guy’s car?” and my favorite “right when i have the day off you decide you want to hang out with your sister” and so on, he reached a point where he’s jealous of me because apparently she has more fun with me and even got angry once because he thought we were hiding something from him when we just randomly smiled at each other. he even we low enough to threaten her saying that he’d kill himself if she left him, hell he even fonced her to have a fourth child because it would have been a great incentive for the relationship as if a baby would magically heal a broken relationship, but i digress. no i don’t think you’re abusive but sometimes you reminded me of my sister’s boyfriend and that scared me enough because i don’t want a relationship like theirs.

oh i knew about the gc since the first day, i didn’t want to tell you because i wasn’t in it so couldn’t really have any saying on it, i wanted to see if you’d tell ne one day or if it was an issue you wanted to keep with them; and yea vi sent me the screenshots of what was going on in it up until she left, aria updated me a bit too but then we changed subject. i can’t nor will justify vi for what she said because it’s something she’s supposed to do i guess, but i can just say that she’s very straightforward and if she doesn’t like something she won’t hesitate to say it out loud, i kinda like her strong character because sometimes i need someone to slap the harsh reality across my face.. yea i agree that sometimes she’s too strongly opinionated and is always ready to attack but i can’t change her..

let me explain from the beginning: when i was mad at you i talked with gab and cadis(idk if you remember them from studio), i explained the situation(basically i made them read the conversation we had on tl and gab told me to message you first because “if you won’t who will?” and i was ready to send a message but i didn’t know what to say, so i asked aria and vi “what do you say to someone you’re mad at?” because i didn’t want to burden gab and cadis bc they’re always stressed out with work and college and i didn’t want to turn into snow2.0 but that’s another story, anyway i ask aria and vi bc i feel closer to them and we’ve often helped each other out; i made them read our conversation on tl and i sent them screenshots of our conversation in dms asking for an opinion because i was panicking and didn’t know how to answer most of your messages. i told them how i felt and even a little bit of background story, maybe i was biased because after all i was involved in the situation idk i don’t remember, so earlier i asked them and they said “you were, but then through the gc he said his side of the story. so we ended up hearing both.” but idk i tried to stay fair by showing the ss so they could see what we said without making assumptions based on how i’d tell them the story(if i didn’t send the ss). heck when we had that problem with ethan i even let aria enter my account and read all the conversations with you and ethan by herself so that she’d make her own opinion about it so that i wasn’t omitting anything, she’s never entered my account since that day and i changed my password so don’t worry

and i tell you my feelings, just not all of them.. and it’s not just with you, i do it with everyone whether it’s ooc or ic, yesterday vi suggested me to put myself first and when i googled ‘how to put yourself first’ an article appeared in which it said that one of the reasons why i don’t put myself first is that “Growing up you are taught to put others first. When this is practiced continually it becomes a habit to negate your own personal needs. Unconsciously this implies that your needs and wants are not as important as others, which can lead us to believe we are not worthy.” and i guess i totally agree with it? since i was a child i had to learn how to strive for perfection, mask my flaws and not burden people with my baggage; it’s a battle i’m fighting daily and it’s so hard to change now that it’s in my bones and it became a habit.. and now i feel fucking pathetic for admitting it because i don’t want to sound like a victim trying to be like “oh but my bad childhood made me like this, you’re mean if you hate me, and blablabla”, i just wanted to explain why i keep bad stuff inside and that’s all

it’s 11:07am now..did it really take me so long to write this- i’ve reached a point where now i don’t even remember what i wrote and i just feel empty, i let everything out and maybe it’ll sound harsh and mean to you, i’m not sure.. i don’t want to reread it because i don’t like expressing my bad feelings do i just hope there aren’t any mistakes or typos, i hope you won’t get mad at me or that this will start a fight.. i just wanted to tell you how i felt throughout this week and i’m so happy seeing how you feel better after making these padlet diaries, yea we should have started sooner but i want full credits for this wonderful idea, it’ll be 500$ per padlet, thank you 😘
i love you even though you say you’re just in love with me tsk

11:18am
while i was in this bad mood of mine i started playing piano again, now i xan do longer buts of i need u, my favorite in fake love and the beginning of elvis presley’s can’t help falling in love
i really want to show you how much i’ve learned in just a day but.. i’m shy and not ready yet, i want you to listen to an entire song..
i guess i should give you my padlet but it’s just.. i’m so scared of you getting mad at me for my thoughts..