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Simple ways to ease your own anxiety and reassure your little one

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After the unique pressures of lockdown, you might think that the relaxation of restrictions would be a comfort. But for many families, it's not that simple.
Easing out of lockdown brings with it fresh worries.

And if you're nervous about navigating everyday life, you're certainly not alone.

"We have been staying at home, not mixing and telling our children to do the same and so they might now feel confused," says Dee Holmes, a Relate counsellor specialising in family, young persons' and children's counselling.

"The message is no longer a simple one of being in lockdown: there are some things we can do and some we can't."

When you have young children who find change and uncertainty particularly difficult, navigating this confusion has added challenges.

But here are some simple ways to ease your own anxiety and reassure your little one.
For information on current coronavirus restrictions and guidelines and information on how and when these may change, it's worth checking the guidance from the UK government.

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Coronavirus: How to soothe your child's anxiety as lockdown eases

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After the unique pressures of lockdown, you might think that the relaxation of restrictions would be a comfort. But for many families, it's not that simple. Easing out of lockdown brings with it fresh worries. And if you're nervous about navigating everyday life, you're certainly not alone.

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Top tips from Dr Sandi Mann (psychologist)

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Top tips from Dr Sandi Mann (psychologist)

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Reading and play are valuable tools to get children ready.

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Let's not forget the value of reading and of play. Using themed toys can help develop vocabulary, especially if you link the theme across different formats like books or the Internet. For example, if you have mermaid toys or books, look up websites that name sea creatures and teach about where they live.

Baking is another lovely activity that can develop language skills in pre-schoolers, especially those to do with following sequences and instructions - very useful skills to get them school-ready!

You can also use play to teach your children 'referential communication'. This is the ability to explain something from your own viewpoint to someone who has a different viewpoint. Small children find this hard because they assume that if they can see something, others can too and in the same way. You can do this by sitting back to back with your child, and talking about the different things you can both see. They will often assume that whatever they can see, you can too. As well as developing language skills, teaching them 'referential communication' helps them learn to see the world from other people's viewpoints. This will help them with socialising and with school as they grow up. You could also use dolls or characters to develop this skill too. For example, you could try asking them to explain to a doll in an upstairs room in the dolls' house what the doll in the downstairs kitchen can see.

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Children adapting to life after lockdown: From social distance to socialising - preparing your child for interactions after the pandemic

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Let's not forget the value of reading and of play. Using themed toys can help develop vocabulary, especially if you link the theme across different formats like books or the Internet. For example, if you have mermaid toys or books, look up websites that name sea creatures and teach about where they live.

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Most children experience psychological trauma at some stage in their lives - perhaps as a result of parental separation or divorce, maybe due to a family bereavement or as a reaction to terrible events in the news.

It is always difficult to know what to say to children in these situations. Knowing it's ok to talk about it honestly/answer any questions truthfully and how to watch for various signs of stress have enabled us to confidently engage with children around recent issues. Kate, Fairways Pre-school, Southend.

Just like adults, children often struggle to cope with the emotional impact of such life-changing events - they can become distressed, disorientated and unfocussed, to such an extent that they have difficulty maintaining their normal daily routine.

Every child is different, and each copes with stressful life events in their own way. However, watch out for changes in the behaviour of a child you care for. Their response to trauma might be to change from outgoing to withdrawn or from introverted to exuberant, or from placid to irritable - the change in behaviour is the child's way of telling you that something is wrong.

Reactions to emotionally draining experiences vary depending on a child's resilience, their previous experience of dealing with stress, their age and stage of development, and their personality.

Children deal with trauma emotionally in five common ways:

1. Obvious distress. The child cries frequently, looks pale and drawn, and openly tells you that they are unhappy about what has happened.

2. Passivity. When they are with you, the child is emotionally flat, quiet and withdrawn. They are hard to engage in conversation and they have no interest in play activities.

3. Non-specific fear. The child is unusually afraid, perhaps telling you they are worried that something terrible is going to happen to them.

4. Personal responsibility. Sometimes children react to trauma by blaming themselves for what has happened; they are convinced it is their fault.

5. Psychological regression. They start to behave like a younger child, for instance wetting themselves during the day when they were previously dry.

Actions and words

As you will know if you look after children of different ages, the under-5s are less able than older children to express themselves using words. While a 10-year-old might confide in you that they feel dreadful because they miss their granddad terribly, or that they're scared after a recent terror attack, a 4-year-old might go for weeks or months without saying a word.

So pay close attention to body language as well as to spoken language. You can learn a great deal from a child's non-verbal communication, for example, the way that they make eye contact, the way they hold their head and shoulders and the distance they keep between themselves and others.

Be aware of what adults around the children are talking about too. Consider not having the news on all the time when there's been an incident - news features aimed at adults may confuse and distress children. This BBC Newsround advice for talking to children about distressing events is useful, too.

Whatever the age and developmental stage of the children in your care, always encourage open communication. If you create an atmosphere in your childcare setting where the children feel confident that they can discuss their concerns and anxieties at any time, then they will be much more likely to talk to you when they experience traumatic events.

10 tips for helping children through trauma

1. Offer reassurance. The child wants to hear you tell them that they are safe and well, and that everything will be OK.

2. Hugs and cuddles. Young children are usually comforted more by gentle, caring physical gestures than they are by words alone.

3. Listen. Allow - and encourage - children to voice their concerns. Listen respectfully and give them space to talk about the traumatic event.

4. Take concerns seriously. You know that a child has had nothing to do with her parents' divorce, but she might feel responsible. Don't trivialise their comments.

5. Show empathy. Let the child see that you understand what they are going through, for instance, saying to them "I can see that this is a difficult time for you".

6. Answer honestly. If they ask you questions about what lies ahead for them, give a suitable answer. And if you don't know, say so.

7. Draw them in. A child might need time and space to compose himself - that's fine, but do encourage them to interact with the other children in your care.

8. Focus on the positives. No matter how awful the trauma has been, find something positive for the child to focus on.

9. Monitor progress. Keep a close watch over the child during the next few weeks and months. Look out for any sign that they are not coping or are troubled again.

10. Work with parents. A child will be further reassured to know that you and their parents have a close connection.

Other useful resources

Free resources for PACEY members
This spotlight is based on content originally published by PACEY in Who Minds? magazine in 2010 and was written by Dr Richard Woolfson.

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Spotlight on Supporting Children Through Trauma

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Most children experience psychological trauma at some stage in their lives - perhaps as a result of parental separation or divorce, maybe due to a family bereavement or as a reaction to terrible events in the news. It is always difficult to know what to say to children in these situations.

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Improve and maintain your mental health

If you're struggling with your mental health and wellbeing, this simple mental health quiz can help. It generates a personalised plan based on the information you provide.

If you want help to deal with anxiety or low mood, tips to reduce stress or advice on how to fall asleep faster and sleep better, start the quiz above.

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Take our quick, 5-question quiz for personalised tips and advice on looking after your mental health and wellbeing. Update your plan any time for new tips.

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...or starting school in September

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Starting school is a big milestone for you and your child. Here are some ideas to help your child to feel confident about starting school.

How you can help

Talk with your child about school. It's normal to feel nervous at times of change but try to talk positively about fun and learning with other children to help your child to be excited rather than nervous. Talking about the things that are important to your child is useful - so encourage them to ask questions. Practice using new words such as uniform, school, playground, teacher, lunchbox and home time! Watch this video for ten tips to help your child to be ready for school.

Visiting your child's school before they start is useful but may not be possible at the moment. Most schools have a website where you'll be able to see what the building, teachers and uniform look like, even if you can't visit beforehand.

There are skills that will help your child to settle in as happily as possible, resilience - learning to manage emotions, and self-regulation - dealing with difficult moments. Watch a video on ten fun activities that support personal, social and emotional development.

Learning to communicate is so important, and children need adults to help them to develop their language and communication skills. The best way to do this is by talking, playing, singing and reading with family members. This video has ten ideas to support communication and language skills.

Children are not expected to be able to read or write before they start school, but it is very helpful if they can recognise their own first name written down. This video has ten ways to develop your child's literacy skills.

Numeracy is about counting, numbers, shape, size, weight, time and money. It is a skill that we use everyday when we pair socks, get out the right number of cups or talk about bedtime. This video has ten ideas for supporting your child to learn early numeracy skills.

Most of all, celebrate this milestone in your child's life!

Further resources

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Looking forward to school - Norfolk County Council

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Starting school is a big milestone for you and your child. Here are some ideas to help your child to feel confident about starting school. Talk with your child about school. It's normal to feel nervous at times of change but try to talk positively about fun and learning with other children to help your child to be excited rather than nervous.

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...about life in lockdown

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Good days in unusual times book (annafreud.org)

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...about returning to school

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https://www.annafreud.org/media/11632/early-years-pcs.pdf

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Ideas from the healthy child team

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talking to my child about coronavirus worry anxiety home schooling how what do i say

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Talking To Your Child About COVID-19 (Coronavirus)

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Family life has had to change. As parents you will want to help your children and young people understand why, and how to keep safe. It is best for children to get facts from the people who know them best. They can get reassurance for any worries and have you there to comfort them.

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Transitions - Schools (norfolk.gov.uk)

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...for settling back into school

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Going back to school is likely to be an anxious time for children and parents. Whilst some parents and children have maintained their usual routines of going to work and school, most children have not been in school. Going back will mean once again getting used to social interaction, being away from parents and learning in a classroom.

Here with some top tips to help parents - and children - navigate this latest period of adjustment are Dr Fiona Flinn - a child, adolescent and educational psychologist based in Belfast, and Rachel Vora - a school counsellor, psychotherapist and member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy.

So, how can you help your child adjust to the school routine again, with as little stress as possible?

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Five ways to help your child settle back into the school routine

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Going back to school is likely to be an anxious time for children and parents. Whilst some parents and children have maintained their usual routines of going to work and school, most children have not been in school. Going back will mean once again getting used to social interaction, being away from parents and learning in a classroom.