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Am loving the heart word info, will be trying this and this is such a great compliment to BSLA

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Am loving the heart word info, will be trying this and this is such a great compliment to BSLA

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That's great Jan - there are no rules about how to highlight the new / irregular parts. I prefer just using a different coloured pen myself, to highlight the 'stand out' part. I think it's important that there is consistency across classrooms within one school though, and it helps if school and any external support are doing the same thing.

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eye3bPFGI_k

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How beautiful is this ❤️

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With brain imaging studies showing children grow more grey matter if they are stimulated by play, it's a no-brainer to give caregivers every opportunity to maximise the fun.

Sending kids out to play not only gives caregivers a break but also sets the youngsters up for life.

Researchers Chloe Wilkinson and Dr Felicia Low at Koi Tū: The Centre for Informed Futures, a think tank at Waipapa Taumata Rau, University of Auckland, have come up with a long list of compelling benefits of play for child development.

In a new Koi Tū evidence brief, Ahead of the game: Why play is the key to children's future success, the researchers say although children are geared to find play opportunities in almost any circumstances, the developmental payback is all the greater when adults participate.

What's more, they point out expensive toys aren't a requirement for creative and engaging play, for which everyday objects such as blocks, balls, pots and pans and pencils and paper are perfectly adequate.

"Play is how children learn. It has a fundamental role in children's wider development and improves social and emotional skills, physical skills and family well-being," says Chloe Wilkinson, who researches maternal and infant health and the developmental origins of health and disease.

Through play, children gain the cognitive skills needed for school, she says. It also makes learning fun and helps literacy and numeracy.

Dr Low, who leads Koi Tū's Knowledge Hub for Maternal and Child Health which is funded by the Wright Family Foundation, says time spent by caregivers actively and warmly engaging with children in play has a direct and positive effect on development.

"Serve and return" interaction between an adult and child, which is a form of responsive play, can begin at birth, says Dr Low.

"Serve and return is focused, two-way communication where one player 'serves' - using cues such as sounds, smiles and gestures - and the other person responds in the same way, thus 'returning the serve'," she says.

As children get older, adult participation that acknowledges and builds on toddlers' own play fosters more creative play compared with adult direction.

"Children allowed to freely explore toys by themselves find more functions and imaginative ways to use them than children who are shown how a toy works," Dr Low says.

The researchers' conviction that play helps with brain development is based on animal and human studies. In rats, play appears to create lasting changes in areas of the brain relating to thinking and social interactions, stimulating production of new brain cells and the connections between them.

Similar effects have been seen in human brain imaging studies. In these studies, babies and preschoolers who were played with by a sensitive and responsive parent had increased grey-matter volume. Key characteristics of play, such as its engaging and iterative nature, help children's brains develop and strengthen the connections needed for learning.

The researchers acknowledge, however, that societal and economic realities can make it hard for caregivers to find the time and energy to devote to play.

"Three areas of social policy have the potential to greatly assist whānau with this," says Ms Wilkinson.

She lists those as improved paid parental leave; better access to mental-health treatment and support to help affected parents bond and actively engage with their children; and increasing home ownership rates so families can settle in an area and build community bonds.

Outside the home, they advocate the lower-cost provision of early-childhood education and investment in community initiatives such as Play Streets and Play Festivals.

"It is vital that play is valued as a key way children learn and develop. New Zealand schools and early childhood centres must retain a focus on play in their curricula," says Dr Low.

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With brain imaging studies showing children grow more grey matter if they are stimulated by play, it's a no-brainer to give caregivers every opportunity to maximise the fun. Sending kids out to play not only gives caregivers a break but also sets the youngsters up for life.

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This was confronting! I used to have that exact same poster too.

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This was confronting! I used to have that exact same poster too.

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This was brought to my attention by a friend of the page, and very similar to other infographics used in schools around the world.

Let's break this down, and then let's provide some alternatives to prove that this infographic is not only unnecessary, it sets unrealistic expectations for many of our kids...kids who want to do well but just can't "comply" with what the poster says.

1) Your ears are for listening.

Yes. We can agree on this. That's what they do. However, we must remember that not all children are auditory learners. In fact, if kids are stressed, dysregulated or distracted, their auditory processing isn't always the best. We need to understand and respect this as we teach. If I'm a stressed, dysregulated or distracted elementary school student, I'm not sure I will look at this sign and say "oh yeah, I forgot!", find my listening switch, and turn it back on.

2) Your eyes are looking.

Neurotypical adults seem to be obsessed with eye contact. Just because I'm not looking at you DOES NOT mean I'm not listening to you. In fact, if you make me look at you, that could be really distracting and REALLY uncomfortable. Why would you insist that I look at you if it's uncomfortable for me?

3) Your lips are together.

I'm a mouth breather. This is problematic. Also, you want me to have my ears working AND my eyes on you, but now I have to use energy to keep my lips together? Wow. That's a lot.

Do you mean don't talk? OH! Why didn't you say that? There are lots of strategies to help kids only talk when it is there turn. I review several strategies in this Facebook Live event I did recently. Link here: https://fb.watch/3uyUZMIxtx/

4) Your legs are crossed.

OK, I'm exhausted now. I'm thinking about and working to keep my lips together, and now you want me to assume a position that has significant postural demands and makes me squirm? I'm not squirming because I'm being bad, but because I genuinely can't maintain this position for an extended period of time. You know what works for me? Changing positions- a lot! Even lying on my belly is helpful! Lying on my belly allows me to stabilize my body, and guess what? If I am lying on my belly facing the teacher, my ears are closer to the teacher, giving me a better shot to listen! Mix it up! Take movement breaks! But crisscross is not a good sitting position, even if you say "applesauce" with it.

5) Your hands are on your lap.

Apparently, the creators of this poster want to audition me for Madame Tussauds Wax Museum. I'm a kid. I was made to move, not sit like a statue. I'm also a fidgeter. Having something to fidget in my hand would actually HELP ME use the other senses you are expecting me to use. Yes, I listen better when I fidget. Are you saying that I can't keep my hands on the ground? I may NEED TO if you make me sit "crisscross applesauce" for a longtime, because I may lose my balance or get tired.

These expectations are impossible to meet. My clip is definitely being moved to yellow, even though I'm trying my hardest to learn. I just don't learn the way this poster wants me to!

*Don't require eye contact. Let it go.

*Engage the kids. Add movement breaks! Add a kinesthetic component!

*Change sitting positions! Play musical chairs to change positions! *When you implement a self-regulation strategy, tell them WHY you're doing it! Being deliberate with your strategies and telling them why is teaching them about their bodies and what they need to do their best learning.

Not all kids learn the same way. Each child in your class could probably have their own poster on how they learn.

The 5 L's of Learning are Actually the 2 C's of Learning.:

Control and Compliance.

Share:

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Controlling "How" Kids Learn - Greg Santucci

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This was brought to my attention by a friend of the page, and very similar to other infographics used in schools around the world. Let's break this down, and then...

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What's up with Rude, disrespectful behaviour?

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What's up with Rude, disrespectful behaviour?

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Robyn Gobbel: Hey, y'all welcome to the Baffling Behavior Show or the podcast, formerly known as Parenting After Trauma. I'm your host, Robyn Gobbel, here on the Baffling Behavior Show! We, together, me and you, really dive deep into the science of what it means to be relationally human, our behaviors, our social relationships and experiences, we take that science and we translate it in a way that makes sense, is useful, and it makes sense for those of you who are parenting kids with particularly baffling, confusing, overwhelming behavior, and we make it make sense. Not just a science, but your kids behavior. Because if you've listened before, you know that one of my primary tenants, you know, one of my core anchors in this work is that all behavior makes sense. That doesn't mean it's okay. That doesn't mean we don't address it. That doesn't mean we don't take some steps to help folks feel more regulated, connected and safe. But, it all makes sense. And when we believe in that, we call that coherence, when we believe in that it changes how we feel about the behavior, it changes how we connect with that person, it changes how we're in relationship with that person. And that really matters.

Robyn: Today, we're going to talk about, kind of, low level behavior. But these chronic low level behaviors; rudeness, sassiness, disrespectfulness, these kinds of chronic low level behaviors can really, really zap any energy reserves that we have that we're we're trying so desperately to hold on to, in our very precarious and vulnerable own window of stress tolerance, right? So I'm not talking about verbal aggression. And I have a separate podcast all about how to have boundaries with verbal aggression, which doesn't mean how we change or control that behavior exactly. Because verbal aggression comes from a pretty high level of activation, right? It comes from like a 'Back Off' or 'Attack' Watchdog level. And we can't control behavior. In fact, I just re-aired an episode all about how we can influence behavior and not control it. And to be honest with you, I don't remember if I did that super intentionally- scheduled that right before this episode. I don't know, I probably didn't, because frankly, the fact that we can influence but not control behavior applies to everything. But we can't control someone else's behavior. We can only take steps to stay regulated ourselves and make offerings of regulation, connection, and felt safety, in an attempt to influence the felt safety in their nervous system. Right. And so again, we're not going to talk about those really high high high levels of dysregulation, activation arousal. There's other places we've talked about that, you can go to that podcast episode, I'll make sure the link gets in the show notes, 'boundaries with verbal aggression.' You can also of course, check out my book, Raising Kids With Big Baffling Behaviors.

Robyn: Today, we're going to talk about low level activation and arousal that might come out through behavior that we would label rude, sassy, disrespectful. So again, remember, that behavior is just a cue or a clue, we're going to use the behavior to get curious about the level of arousal or activation underneath that behavior. Alright, so what clues does rude, sassy, disrespectful, just a negative tone of voice, right? What clues does that give us about what might be happening in that person's nervous system? Well, number one, it's letting us know that person is in protection mode. Right? They have shifted from safe to not safe. They have started to go down the protection mode pathway. If you need an overview of felt safety, you can go back to the felt safety series that I ran January- or again, you can go to Raising Kids With Big Baffling Behaviors. So we know we've flipped into protection mode, we can feel that in our bodies, right? There's a- there's a sensation that goes along with ourselves being in protection mode or being with someone in protection mode. And we know that rude, disrespectful, sassy behavior and language falls in protection mode, right? We've started to go down the protection pathway. Generally speaking, rude, sassy, disrespectful behavior, I would consider pretty low level behavior, that could be letting us know that we're about at the 'What's up?' level, Watchdog. That's not always true across the board. Right? Like, we can certainly have rude, sassy, disrespectful behavior that is much, much, much higher level of intensity. Generally speaking, even though that behavior is rude. Parents are using different kinds of language to describe that behavior if it's all the way to like, 'Back-Off' level Watchdog. I mean, again, they're saying more things like verbally aggressive or abusive, right? So we're talking today about lower-level, 'What's up?' level Watchdog, brain behavior.

Robyn: So that's the first pure clue, protection mode, low level. Okay, now we can get more and more curious, what could be some of the reasons for this low level protection mode. So low levels of dysregulation, felt safety has shifted onto the protection pathway, connection to self and to others is starting to kind of get a little slippery, slip away. There's a lot of reasons why we could be moving on to this pathway. Here's the ones that I just brainstormed as I was prepping for this episode. It could just be simple dysregulation. So often, we experience rude, sassy, disrespectful language is like super personal, like this is about us. It's about my connection relationship is his child, and it might be, but it also is just a symptom of dysregulation, it could have nothing to do with you. I know there's plenty of times where I'm experiencing my kid is being rude or sassy or disrespectful. And when I'm in my most Owl brain, which certainly doesn't happen all or even most of the time, I can take a breath and stay curious. Like, yeah, this might have something to do with me or our relationship, he might be irritated with me. But it also might have absolutely nothing to do with me, think about the last time you were kind of rude or short tempered with someone and what was contributing to your nervous system being in that state had nothing even to do with that person. Right? I mean, most of us don't have to go back very far in our memory banks to to remember that moment, right. So one reason for a low level, Watchdog, rude behavior could be just plain old dysregulation, and that could be coming from all sorts of places hungry, tired, right? Nervous or worried about something, there could be just so many, so many things. Surely, rude behavior could be a sign or a symptom, that there is something that could stand to be strengthened in that relationship. And it could be in that moment, like maybe, in that moment that your child is irritated with you. Or maybe there could be a longer or a bigger picture, I guess, sort of indication of you needing to kind of put a little bit more energy back into focusing on that connection in that relationship. And you all that that's normal, like that's just how life goes. Right? There's lots of moments where we realize, Oh, I've been preoccupied with this, or I've been focused on this, or I've been stressed out with this. And that has left me not, you know, making as many deposits into this relational bank with my kid. And again, there's no shame, no blame there. It's just something to notice to pay attention to and maybe to kind of reorient back too.

Robyn: Another reason I see kids sometimes having some rude, sassy disrespectful behavior is for a wide variety of reasons in that moment, or overall, their empathy is, let's just say kind of delayed. Maybe it's not what we would expect from a child their age. And this is an important one right? Like we have to be able to understand somebody else's experience. And we have to care about that person's experience in order to be thoughtful and deliberate about the way that we're interacting with them, right? That if I don't really care about that, I'm much less likely to take the steps to be deliberate about communicating or connecting with that person in a way that's going to invite increased closeness, right? And sometimes, that even is just related to having a little bit of lack of awareness. Self-reflective capacity, being aware of our own experience, our own nervous system, being aware of our own behaviors and then, of course, being aware of how they might be impacting other people, all of that- those are all Owl brain skills. And so somebody who's kind of chronically in protection mode is going to have poorer self reflection, be less aware of what's happening for them, and also less aware of the impact that they're having on other people. And we know that there's lots of reasons for a developmental delay in the Owl brain- that Owl brain is still working on hatching, right? There's so many reasons for that. And it can start to feel overwhelming, like, oh, my gosh, how am I supposed to support all these aspects of my child and their development so that they can, you know, their nervous system can feel better, and they can enjoy the kinds of relationships that are meaningful to them. Right? That can feel really overwhelming until we just take a breath and pause, like that's the sign we're going down the Watchdog pathway- that overwhelm, we can take a breath and pause and kind of come back to, there's lots of different specifics, of course, but overall, the foundation here is we grow the Owl brain, we strengthen the Owl brain, by offering regulation, connection, felt safety, and sometimes of course, by really working on skills, right? So the reasons I gave that could come along with- or could be underneath rude, sassy, disrespectful behavior, simply just plain old dysregulation, it could be an indication of some connection that needs strengthening in the relationship, it could be an indication that empathy and awareness of self and others are just maybe a little delayed. And again, this could be kind of like delayed overall, I'm sure many of you listening are noticing that your parenting a child whose maybe empathy or sense of awareness seems to be more in line with that of a much younger child. That's very, very normal for folks with vulnerable nervous systems. But it also could just be an indication of what's happening in the moment, like as we increase in our dysregulation, whether that means we're going further down the Watchdog or further down the a Possum pathway, we decrease in connection to ourselves and others, right? 1 Empathy decreases, awareness decreases, all of these things decrease simply because we are getting more activated going further down their protection pathway.

Robyn: So again, it could be an indication of just what's happening in the moment could be an indication of overall, right, like lots of our kids need their Owl brain, over all, strengthened, right? So if we think about these things through the lens of the, 'What's up?' Watchdog. Remember, there's four levels of activation on both the Watchdog and the Possum pathway, right like, we're turning to Dr. Perry's state dependent functioning, arousal continuum, there is four levels and on the Watchdog pathway, the first level is, 'What's up?' There is a sense of, hey, what's going on here, I think something might be stressful or might be dangerous, or I might have to do something here. And an important thing to remember about the 'What's up?' Watchdog is that the Owl brain is still probably nearby, the Owl brain could still be kind of proverbially caught, although we don't want to act like we're trying to catch the Owl brain because that doesn't make the Owl brain want to return, by any means. Nobody likes to be caught, right? Think about it like that. But, I do think it's helpful to remember that in the 'What's up?' level activation, the Owl brain is probably still nearby, we might be able to kind of appeal to the Owl brain to bring some safety, connection, and regulation back. It's also important to remember that if you're past that level of activation, and the Owl brain has totally flown away, you don't want to rely on Owl brain strategies to try to bring the Owl brain back. That means we don't want to rely on language or logic or reasoning or even kind of threatening consequences, because it requires a lot of reasoning for that kind of stuff. Right? Okay, but anyway, so the Owl brain is real close, right? We want to think about, first of all, always using connection and cues of safety as ways to snag the Owl brain. Best way we can do that, when our kid is in the low level activation, they're in Watchdog, or 'What's up?' Watchdog state, the best way to send cues that were cues of safety and connection is that our Owl brain is still in charge. So we can't join them on the protection pathway. So as much as- as much as our child, you know, shiftinh down the Watchdog pathway invites our Watchdog to come out, which we talked about in episode three, a bit of the felt safety series as a couple weeks ago, we want to try really hard to keep our Owl brain in charge, right?

Robyn: That way, in all sorts of nonverbal ways, with our tone, with our prosody of our voice, with the words that we're choosing. But also even with things we don't have a ton of control over; the look in our eyes, and our facial expressions and all these things, the Owl brain is in charge of what's happening in our face, that Owl brain is in charge of our eyes and the muscles around our mouths, and prosody, and you know, our larynx, and pharynx, and all this kind of stuff. So if we stay in connection mode ourselves, we're gonna be able to communicate non verbally, safety and connection to our kids, right? So as hard as it is, if your child is low level, disrespectful, you know, getting huffy and puffy on the Watchdog pathway- the watchdog pathway ourselves, and we're responding with something like, you can't talk to me like that! Is valid! And believe me, I respond like that more often than not too. And we know what happens when two Watchdogs come to a party together, and they just get tustled up together, right? We want to try really hard to not take the disrespect, personally, which means we don't need to respond personally in a way that's like, you can't talk to me like that, because it's not personal, we just know that this is dysregulation so we're gonna respond with connection and co-regulation, and we want to find ways to clearly clearly communicate to the Owl brain, hey, everything's okay here, hey, Owl brain, you can stick around! And sometimes we can say that super overtly. You know, like our kids disrespect, or our kid sassiness is sometimes is letting us know, oooh, they're anticipating trouble here. And we may even say like, Oh, hey, there's no trouble here. Like, everything's cool. We're just having a chat about something, or I just need something, or let's just try this again, or whatever, you know, whatever it is happening. I get lots and lots of scripts for a low level dysregulation, sassiness in Raising Kids With Big Baffling Behaviors. So if you need some help, more specifically, with some real specific scripts, or knowing exactly how to respond, that's a great place to start. And then of course, if you need an even more support, you can come and join us over in the club.

Robyn: So let's go back to remembering what could be contributing to this a low level dysregulation, right? And if we go back to just our kind of constant regulation, connection, and felt safety, and then we can also remember that there can be different things happening here. That connection could be its own kind of standalone, quote-unquote, issue we want to, you know, address. Empathy, could be its own separate thing we want to work on, awareness of self could be its own separate thing we want to work on, right? That your child might need some help with, for example, interoception, like knowing what's happening in their own bodies, they might need some help with understanding cues of other folks and what those things mean. And also why it matters, right? Like somebody's frustration or irritation or tone of voice that might be communicated in these different nuanced ways. And also, we have to help our kids understand like, why they should, if they should, even care about those things, some of these things need to be actually taught, some of these things, we just need to trust that as the Owl brain grows and strengthens, these, I guess you call them skills, will naturally grow. Interoception- it can be overtly taught, interoception is also something that tends to improve with safety, with being in relationship with folks who are offering regulation, and connection, and felt safety. If we look at what interoception is, and the parts of the brain that are supporting interoception, and why interoception might get blocked. Interception, being able to notice, make sense of the sensations that are happening in our body. Folks with weaker Owl brains, or more active watchdog brains, or who are in kind of chronic protection mode often have poorer interoception. So it makes sense. It's not the only way we want to approach improving interoception. But it makes sense that one of the ways we approach it is by offering more regulation, connection, and felt safety.

Robyn: Sometimes, our kids just need help finding the words that they need to express themselves more articulately. We talked about that for the whole month of January in the club. And we looked at behaviors like lying. And again, rudeness, sassiness, like verbal- verbal behavior. We looked at shutdown behavior, right? We just with- the behaviors just a cue or the clue that helps us get curious what's happening underneath. And for a lot of those behaviors, what's underneath is, our kids don't have the words to actually know what's happening for them, and ask for the help that they need or express themselves in ways that actually match their experience. So your kid could be screaming, I hate you! But what they really are experiencing is, the sensations in my body are so intense and I have no other words to describe the intensity of that. Beyond the word hate. I know hate is a big word, I'm actually going to address this specific challenge. Words like, I hate you, really, really big words like that in a separate podcast episode, later this month! I can't remember if it's next week or the week after, later this month.

Robyn: Anyway, our kids might need help, just knowing how- knowing what they're feeling, and then- and knowing how to express it. And we have to make sure that we really have created an environment where they can express those things. Can they tell us things they don't like about us? Or about what's happening in their life? Or about simple things like dinner? Or what their- what clothes they have available to them to wear, or their teacher? Right? Like how often do we want to kind of squash our kids complaints about their teacher? For all sorts of reasons. It can feel disrespectful, it can feel like a slippery slope, it can feel like our kids need to learn how to tolerate people that they don't like, all sorts of things. And so we end up really squashing they're very valid, like venting and criticizing, and I mean how often do I vent about folks who are frustrating me. And if every time I tried to vent, I just got feedback from people, that I should be kinder, I should learn how to tolerate them, or I need to have thicker skin or whatever, whatever, whatever. Like that's gonna leave me feeling really, really unheard. And so we do I think, as parents have to really look at what are ways that we've, in unintentionally- of course, unintentionally, but kind of created this environment or sent this message of, you can't say those things, or if you say those things I'm not listening to you. And then so often is kids up the ante. Right? So we want to help our kids express their honest true feelings and not liking a teacher, for example, is an honest, true feeling. How can we help them express it in a way that their experience is really seen and known? It doesn't get escalated. And it also gets, what we would call integrated, so that one, our kids learn how to be respectful even to people they don't really like or two, they learn how to use their voice or their power to stand up for themselves, which sometimes actually is what needs to happen. Even with a teacher.

Robyn: Sometimes our kids, 'What's up? Watchdog brain behavior is warranted, right? Like, I'd like to think it never is. But sometimes it is, like sometimes I've- I'm interacting with my child, in my own Watchdog brain. And that's, of course, going to cause a Watchdog brain reaction. Sometimes, somebody asks me to do something that feels unreasonable or unfair, it's just a not very thoughtful way that they've made that request, or I frankly, just don't really want to do it right now, because I'm doing something else. And I want to have that agency over myself and what I'm doing and so, I might respond to that person with my own Watchdog, with my own 'What's up? Watchdog? Well, of course, I will, because the whole point of the 'What's up? Watchdog is to put up a boundary, to put up a boundary that says, I don't really like what you're doing right now. And I'm going to do something to protect myself from it. Now, if I respond to someone like that, do I need to be corrected? Right, maybe? Or does that person need to have approached me kind of differently if they wanted a different reaction? Maybe, right? I mean, there's all sorts of things that we could look at here. And also, y'all, don't forget that sometimes we just got to chalk up, you know, some, like relational tussles or some 'What's up? Watchdog behavior to just normal, human moments, in relationship. Sometimes we're cranky, right? Humans are cranky, humans are annoying. And frankly, humans are kind of difficult. And if we attempted to address every single moment of protection mode behavior, I mean, we would just be so in the weeds with constantly addressing behavior, and we would end up in this vicious protection mode feedback loop, honestly. So we got to make sure that we're not doing that too, that we're not like over responding. I think there's places where we can be self reflective ourselves and ask ourselves, did I just ask my child to do something respectfully? Meaning, did I say, stop what you're doing right now and come to this thing I want you to do instead, whether that be dinner or a chore, or leaving the house or even something that we think is fun, right? Like, did we really intrude on our kids experience? Did we really intrude on their autonomy? Did we intrude on like the normal human need to take something all the way to completion?

Robyn: I have in my notes to also talk about equalizing behavior. But as I look at how long I've been talking, and think about how much I could say about equalizing behavior, I'm realizing that's a separate episode, y'all. So I'll just tell you a quick definition of equalizing behavior. And then I'm gonna go make a note to record a totally separate episode about equalizing behavior but equalizing behavior again, first of all, perfectly normal, it's human, we all do this. Okay. That's an important thing to notice. But equalizing behavior is behavior that we would tend to describe as coming from protection mode. And its intention is to meet a need, like autonomy, confidence, feeling powerful, are in charge. Right? So equalizing behavior will come out as controlling behavior, in charge behavior, bossy behavior, and it is an attempt to return to safety after having felt something like powerlessness, being out of control, loss of autonomy, loss of confidence, something like that, again, we all do this and our kids, who are especially sensitive to those things, you know, feeling powerless, loss of control. You know, our kids, who maybe have a Pathological Demand Avoidance profile or our kids who have histories that make a loss of power and control, or feeling like somebody else's making a demand on them, especially risky, especially vulnerable. So they're especially like fine tuned to that as a trigger, that pulls them into protection mode, right? I talked about that in episode one of my felt safety episode, which was aired in mid January, just a few episodes before- ago, not before, just a few episodes ago! So equalizing behavior can come out as rudeness, sassiness, disrespectfulness. But again, I'm realizing that's a whole separate episode. So I'm going to tag that, and we're going to come back to that we'll talk about that. It deserves- it deserves, I think, a lot of time and I don't want to- I don't want to feel rushed here.

Robyn: With rudeness, with sassiness, with disrespectful behavior, we are going to be tempted to address the behavior immediately, with words like, don't talk to me like that, right? And even that's coming from a Watchdog place. It's an example of trying to really overly rely on logic, reasoning, behavioral control, right? Like, if I just tell them to stop, they should be able to stop. An implicit in that idea is that this person still has enough connection to their Owl brain that they could control this behavior. And that's very, almost- I mean, almost always, that's not true that we really- even in the 'What's up? level Watchdog, we still need to be paying attention to their autonomic nervous system, to their regulation, connection, and felt safety. Because regulation, connection, and felt safety is actually what's going to shift them, like shift them into connection mode, that behavior then is more likely to change. Once the Owl brain has returned, right? So you're gonna focus on regulation, connection, and felt safety- once the Owl brain has returned, and your back in connection with your child, then that's when you can start thinking about what does your child need in the future to make these moments less likely to happen? Do they really need to know it's not okay to talk to people like that? Maybe. But most kids know that. Most kids know that. I know I shouldn't talk to people rude and disrespectfully. And yet, still, sometimes I do. So it's not about the not-knowing. Right? Is it about regulation? Is it about protection mode? Is it about needing to understand somebody else's experience, right? That when I talk with a certain tone, or with certain language, this person I'm in relationship with experiences that a certain way, and y'all, let's make sure that we're applying that to ourselves. We need to pay attention to that too. And know that when we talk to our kids in a certain way, they experience it in their unique way. And if we want them to make adjustments, we've got to be prepared to make adjustments too.

Robyn: I know that there's been times where you've been about to be rude, about to be disrespectful, about to respond in a way that you just knew you were going to regret later. Right. And so you took a breath. And you've reframed what you were gonna say in a more respectful way, right? I know that that's happened to you. And yes, that's amazing. That's an example of how your 'What's up? Watchdog and your Owl brain could have worked together. Right, that 'What's up? Watchdog peeked up- popped up and was like, Oh, wait, so I might be going on here, a little bit of protection, mode energy. And then the Owl whole brain came back and said, Wait, I think we need more information here. Let's take a breath. Stay in connection mode, and see what happens next. That's your O0wl brain and your Watchdog brain working together because the Owl brains activation- I'm sorry, the Watchdog brain's activation was low. That's what we're aiming for in our kids. And we do that by growing the Owl brain. Sometimes it's as simple as saying, "Of course we can have an extra 10 minutes to play video games before we shift into homework. Of course we can, I would love it if next time you let me know that you still need 10 more minutes to finish your video game with your Owl brain instead of with your Watchdog brain. And you know what, buddy, I'm also going to work on next time, I'm going to come to you with my Owl brain. And that might sound like hey, how many more minutes do you need? Okay, so let's both work hard next time to bring our Owl brains to one another."

Robyn: Okay, it could look as simple as that. And again, for more examples, come check out Raising Kids With Big Baffling Behaviors, which is also now on audiobook. And for even more examples, you can come join us in the club, because we'll talk about all this, we give lots of support and examples to one another in the forum. And then there's, you know, I don't know, something like 90 videos stored in the video library at this at this point as well. Alright, y'all, as soon as I stop recording, I'm going to go make a note to prep for an episode all about equalizing behavior. I'm not promising when that's going to come out or how soon but I'll go. And I'll start working on that because I bet a lot of you really had your ears sort of perk up, like, what's that? That might be what's happening in my family! And until then, keep tuning in. Every week, in the month of February, I'm releasing a new episode on Tuesdays, just like always, since the dawn of the Baffling Behavior Show we've released episodes on Tuesdays. And I'm going to be re-airing some episodes that I think, really are worth re-airing, re-listening to by y'all and we'll be doing that on Fridays. We'll see how that goes. We'll see if you like that, if you like having a new episode and a re-aired episode every week. Do let me know about that. Of course, of course, if you need more support, there's so many ways to connect with me. You can get on my email list. I'll send you emails, you can keep listening to the podcast, you can head to my website and download one of the millions of free resources I have over on my free resources tab. And if you need even more support, again, of course you can come and join us in the club. When the club is open for new members again, we would absolutely love to have you. Alright y'all. I will see you back here next week with another new episode. Thank you!

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What's Up With Rude & Disrespectful Behaviors?

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Making sense of rude and disrespectful behavior helps parents respond in a way that actually works.

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Children should be physically ready before they are expected to write, having experienced developmentally appropriate PD activities, explains Reception teacher Claire Martin

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Te Rito gets a sector-led restart

Te Rito is a web-based national information repository that enables learner and ākonga information to follow them throughout their education. Read more

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Noticing, recognising and responding to learning progress

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Te Rito gets a sector-led restart Te Rito is a web-based national information repository that enables learner and ākonga information to follow them throughout their education. Read more

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kaimānga

1. (noun) chewed food (for a baby) - traditionally food was masticated by the mother and gradually fed by mouth to the baby. This is used as an analogy for the feeding of knowledge to learners.

Ka whāngaia te pēpi ki te kai kua ngaungaungia, arā, ki te kaimānga. Ka pērā hoki ngā kaiwhakaako i a rātou e whāngai ana i ā rātou ākonga, arā, me wāhi mai te mātauranga kia ngāwari ai te ako. / Babies were fed food which had been chewed by the mother. In the same way when teachers feed their students knowledge it should be broken up so that learning is made easier.

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How to use the CPS (Collaborative Problem Solving) Model 

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How to use the CPS (Collaborative Problem Solving) Model 

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Greater Victoria School District 61 - District Team

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Collaborative & Proactive Solutions with Dr. Ross Greene Video #1

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Mona Delahooke is a leader in the "behavioural neuroscience" world

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Mona Delahooke is a leader in the "behavioural neuroscience" world

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This is a great concept to think about!

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Mona Delahooke, Ph.D. - Pediatric Psychologist - California

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*Updated 5/2023

What's the best way to teach children how to regulate their own emotions and behavior? Occupational therapist and educator Leah Kuypers devised one approach, The Zones of Regulation, which has gained international popularity. "The Zones" is a groundbreaking cognitive-behavioral approach that helps adults teach children about self-regulation, which includes self-discipline, emotional control, anger management, and the ability to control one's behaviors. Kuypers's program suggests colors to help children identify their different levels of arousal: green for calm, yellow for stress or frustration, red for high alertness or moving too fast, and blue to indicate low arousal levels.

Kuypers developed her program while working at schools and witnessing the limitations of simple behavior management techniques for special needs students.

I believe The Zones are most effective when we have an understanding of the pre-requisite for a child's ability to self-regulate. Before they can build the capacity for self-regulation, children need to have sustained experiences of emotional co-regulation with a caring adult or adults.

Programs that simply teach children about regulation often assume that a child already possesses this foundation of social and emotional development. But social-emotional development can't be taught. Children must first experience it through caring, attuned relationships with adults.

This is especially true for children with a history of adverse childhood experiences (ACES), foster children, and neurodivergent children-including those on the autism spectrum, and children who experience high levels of anxiety. These children have more vulnerable nervous systems for a variety of reasons.

When we attempt to teach self-regulation skills without evaluating a child's co-regulation history, we risk asking too much of them too soon. Many children simply lack the neurodevelopmental foundation upon which successful self-regulation is built. Asking them to self-regulate is like expecting a teenager drive a car without any driver-training classes.

Programs aiming to teach self-regulation should emphasize that emotional co-regulation is a pre-requisite to successful self-regulation. Doing so helps teachers and providers to understand that what prepares children to self-regulate isn't just the skills we teach buthow we are with children. These programs should teach adults about the "therapeutic use of self, " which leads to emotional co-regulation, setting a firm and lasting foundation for a child's self-regulation. In short, human beings need to feel socially engaged and safe in order to learn.

If vulnerable children haven't experienced the warmth of co-regulation, our efforts to teach them self-regulation will inevitably fall short. These children simply don't have the neural architecture in place; they need safe, emotionally attuned relationships to build it. When adults don't appreciate their role as emotional co-regulators, we are missing the bigger developmental picture.

On a related note, The Zones was designed as a tool for behavior management, yet many teachers mistakenly use it this way. While Kuypers does not recommend associating penalties with the zones, teachers often ask students who misbehave to "change their color" on a classroom chart. This approach may provoke certain vulnerable children to associate the colors with misbehavior instead of merely using the colors to neutrally identify their own internal states.
A child's brain and body best learn to regulate emotions through loving interactions with adults who notice the child's emotional state and provide individually attuned interactions to help a child feel better. The bottom line: before we teach children about self-regulation, they need to experience co-regulation with us. All of us-parents, educators, and providers should build emotional co-regulation into children's lives with compassion and understanding. It is the foundation that underlies a child's ability to self-regulate, and provides lifelong benefits for their mental and physical health.
I share more about the new lens for understanding emotional and behavioral challenges in my books Brain-Body Parenting and Beyond Behaviors.

We also have a supportive online community, the Brain-Body Parenting Collective where we support each other and learn together.

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What to Know Before We Teach Children Self-Regulation Skills

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Updated 5/2023 What's the best way to teach children how to regulate their own emotions and behavior? Occupational therapist and educator Leah Kuypers devised one approach, The Zones of Regulation, which has gained international popularity. "The Zones" is a groundbreaking cognitive-behavioral ap

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Takiwātanga - in your own time and space

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Takiwātanga - in your own time and space

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An article explaining the gorgeous concept of Takiwātanga - a te reo Māori word for 'autism' that reflects whakaaro Māori.

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Takiwātanga – in your own time and space – Education Gazette

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One of the better articlesa simpler definition of trauma based and how to think about playbased learning and difficult behaviours

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One of the better articlesa simpler definition of trauma based and how to think about playbased learning and difficult behaviours

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Throughout this journey into play over the last five years, one question comes up often, it has been one I have struggled to answer and actually have felt ill equipped to answer. The question is around those children that just cause absolute chaos in a play based class, that break things, fight, basically run riot. Those children who are oppositional and rebuff our attempts at forming strong relationships, basically seem to undermine everything we do. What do we do about these children?

I have not felt able to answer this question, because I am incredibly lucky to work in a school where children usually come in with the ability to auto-regulate or to regulate with support from an a trusted person (co-regulate.) Don't get me wrong, we still have children who come in with obvious issues with regulation, due to early trauma or otherwise, but we don't usually have groups of them, we have one or two who we can work effectively with and help to self-manage.

After reading this book

I now feel a little more able to answer this question. But please know I am no expert.

Firstly however let me say this. For children who come in with strong attachments and for want of a better word 'normal' abilities to regulate, a play-based environment based on self-direction is the absolute best. Children starting from this foundation learn so much within this environment and absolutely blossom emotionally and socially. They cope beautifully in this environment because this is how they are programmed to learn. They don't need us to direct them or manage them.

Children with early trauma are still built to learn this way, however they are as yet unable to thrive in this environment without a few modifications (which we can make very simply, without going back to our old methods of control.)
This short article is helpful if you have not read anything about attachment theory and the link to self-regulation. This is an excerpt from that article: What might extreme or unhealthy ways of auto-regulation look like?

Unhealthy patterns of auto-regulation most often include behaviors that are attempts to control. A sense of control of people, places, and things provides a sense of safety; since it is vulnerability for children with attachment disorder that is the scariest position in which to be.

Individuals who feel completely out of control are going to fall apart and do anything they can to gain that control. They attempt to achieve control over other people, places, and things; they find this helps them to achieve control over their own activated nervous system and their emotions. For children, attempts to control can come out in physical, emotional, or psychological manner.

In physical control, children will exert physical force to cause fear in those around them. Rages, throwing and breaking items, and physically hurting others are attempts to control out of a need to help themselves feel better.

In emotional control, children will be able to play with the emotions of others, making others angry, sad, or happy. Depending on the background and prior experiences of the child, they may be quite "street-smart" at being able to know instinctively how to play others emotions to get what they need.

In psychological control, children will lie, triangulate relationships of those in authority, and otherwise manipulate. Much of this is done on such an instinctual level to help calm their own nervous system down; they feel that they are doing these things to survive.

These become the behaviors that seem crazy and extreme to parents of children with attachment disorder; therefore, make daily live very chaotic and difficult. It is dysregulating to live with a child with controlling behaviors The children are not able to communicate any of their internal happenings, so these behaviors come with no warning
Children who have developed unhealthy strategies for regulation will initially struggle in an environment where they have complete choice. Unlike their peers, who are able to regulate, this environment will cause them stress and because of this stress we will see the behaviours that are described above (that have been described to me by so many teachers over time.)

Sadly many see this as a reason to ditch play and go back to complete structure. I can absolutely see why, in essence it is the environment based on too much choice that creates these behaviours, and if you are one of those teachers where the majority of your class struggles with regulation for whatever reason, it would seem easier to go back to complete structure.

However I urge you not to do this. While too much choice is stressful for them, an environment based on play is ultimately what they need. Just like any other learning, they just need some scaffolding around this environment. As we would for any other learning, we need to meet their needs and in this environment this may mean shortening periods of play. Coming back together more frequently for emotional and social coaching or reflection. Recognising triggers and providing safe places for them to go to. Specifically teaching them calm down strategies (benefits all.) Teaching them about their brain and how it works (benefits all.) Providing more structure around the play for these children, a few choices, rather than complete self-direction to start with. Trying a strategy we use, which is ten by ten, ten seconds connecting with that child positively, ten times a day. Harder than it sounds. Watching what we say and how we redirect behaviour, these children see themselves as bad, the language we use with them is important. We also don't want to over praise them, they won't believe you and it will make their behaviour worse.

You will gradually see them developing regulation skills and be able to remove some of the scaffolds. With these children, as with most, it will be ten steps forward and nine back....progress will often be slow emotionally and socially and they will try to deliberately hijack situations as a form of defence. We must stay strong and constant for them despite what they throw at us.

What we do need to recognise and absolutely understand is that play is going to be difficult for them, their brain has been in a constant state of stress, relationships have been traumatic and disconnected, they don't trust us, why should they? Free play (for want of a better word) will cause them stress, they will feel out of control and they will take back control in ways we perceive as 'behaving badly.' They can not help this. Having to regulate themselves for any period of time is tiring, they become exhausted and it is hard for them. Safe spaces are important.

So, my answer, please don't let this type of behaviour stop you journeying into play, but recognise it for what it is, and respond to it by putting in place strategies to support regulation. The most important thing we can teach children is the ability to regulate...from that everything else will come. The last thing we want them to become is adults that can not regulate.

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Trauma and Play - What is happening for those children that struggle to regulate in a play based environment?

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Throughout this journey into play over the last five years, one question comes up often, it has been one I have struggled to answer and actually have felt ill equipped to answer. The question is around those children that just cause absolute chaos in a play based class, that break things, fight, basically run riot.

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Love this as a reminder of where to start!

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Love this as a reminder of where to start!

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These are really cool ideas for self-regulation and self-awareness etc

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These are really cool ideas for self-regulation and self-awareness etc

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At a glance

Kids can learn to manage their emotions and work on social skills.

You can help your child with social-emotional learning by playing fun games at home.

There are lots of simple games you can play during everyday activities.

Many schools have started teaching kids how to do things like cope with feelings, set goals, and get along with others. It's called social-emotional learning. You can help your child work on these skills at home, too.

Here are a handful of activities that can help your child manage emotions and work on social skills - and have some fun with you along the way. These games are very low-tech. And all are designed to fit easily into daily routines.

1. Starfish and tornadoes

Try playing this game at different times of day, and help your child describe the energy levels. For example, if you play this game before dinner, you can say, "You have so much energy, I bet you could run up and down the stairs five times before I finish cooking!"

Keep in mind: Self-awareness can help kids build a skill called self-regulation. This skill is about managing your internal energy. It helps kids manage their emotions and their body movements during tough situations. It also helps them pay attention and learn.

The goal: To help kids practice observing what's going on around them. Picking up on social cues helps kids get their needs met and understand the perspective of others.

Help your child connect these observations with choosing how to behave. For example, when the swings are crowded, your child may decide to go on the slide first.

To help your child come up with ideas, comment whenever you notice your child's positive behaviors: "You just offered to teach your sister a nursery rhyme. Let's talk for a second about what kind of person you're being right now."

Also, you can buy these kinds of cards or find templates online. But kids might like making the cards themselves.

How to play: When you and your child can't agree, use the tune of "This Old Man" to sing these lines: "You want this. I want that. How can we both get what we want?" Then brainstorm solutions and choose the best idea for right now. For example, if your child is demanding to bake cookies at 8 a.m., the best solution might be to wait two hours so you can bake when the baby is napping.

5. Taking turns taking charge

Key takeaways

Simple, fun games can help kids learn to cope with feelings, set goals, and get along with others.

Self-regulation helps kids manage their emotions and their body movements.

Praising good behavior often leads to more of it.

About the author

About the author

Kate Kelly has been writing and editing for more than 20 years, with a focus on parenting.

Reviewed by

Reviewed by

Lynne Kenney, PsyD is a Harvard-trained pediatric psychologist and international educator in Scottsdale, Arizona.

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5 social-emotional learning games to play with your child

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Social-emotional learning activities can help kids learn to manage emotions and get along with other kids. These games are simple, low-cost, and low-tech, and can be built into your daily activities.

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Love this graph - so many of our learners are in red and blue zones but also many that are in the green too

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Love this graph - so many of our learners are in red and blue zones but also many that are in the green too

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She gives such a good reasoning around the 'loud classroom' issue!

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She gives such a good reasoning around the 'loud classroom' issue!

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3 Tips for a Loud Classroom | 3 Tips for a Loud Classroom
Saturday Coffee With Sally! | By Fairy Dust Teaching | Facebook

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10K views, 136 likes, 68 loves, 168 comments, 48 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Fairy Dust Teaching: 3 Tips for a Loud Classroom
Saturday Coffee With Sally!

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This blog post was interesting and kind of changed my whole perspective on consequences!

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This blog post was interesting and kind of changed my whole perspective on consequences!

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Great article on nervous system. At the bottom it has some really helpful 'scripts' to use with students.

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Great article on nervous system. At the bottom it has some really helpful 'scripts' to use with students.

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Alliance Against Seclusion and Restraint - We can and must do better for our children!

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Today's guest author is Lori Desautels PhD. Lori is an Assistant Professor in the College of Education at Butler University College of Education, a former special education teacher and school counselor and currently teaching applied educational neuroscience / brain and trauma to undergraduates and graduate candidates in the certification program. For the past six years, Lori has returned to the classroom co-teaching in multiple grade levels bringing these strategies and practices into the classroom preparing the brain to learn while dampening down our stress responses systems and attuning to the developing brain states of our children and youth. Author of several publications and writer for Edutopia. Recently Lori published her fourth book, Connections Over Compliance, Rewiring Our Perceptions of Discipline.

Our nervous systems and physiological states create and produce the behaviors we observe, question, discuss, punish, suspend, seclude, and attend to in all moments throughout the day! As educators who sit with 30 to 180 plus nervous systems every day, we have traditionally paid attention to observable behaviors, assessing them as appropriate, disrespectful, inappropriate, oppositional, aggressive, manipulative, and a variety of other labels and classifications.

The Polyvagal Theory and neuroscience research now shares; that education requires " state regulation " so we are able to access and integrate the cognitive and mental tasks we need to succeed in school and navigate life experiences.

Most of us in the western part of the world have been conditioned, parented, and schooled through the lens of Behaviorism. Conventionally, our school systems and structures have embedded behaviorism along with contingency programs that address and focus upon compliance and control. Many of these contingency behavioral regulations and handbooks mirror zero tolerance policies from the 1990's and early 2000's often designed by racially privileged school leaders and groups that have unintentionally increased discipline racial inequities and disparities for our children and youth of color, culture and special education populations. Many educators have grown up with the "law and order" mentality that focuses on accountability solely through the lens of observable behaviors. In the United states today, we implement corporal punishment in 19 states. But we have a significant disconnect. Our most troubled youth and children are carrying in nervous systems that have been reprogrammed to defend and protect and are wired in a survival brain and body state.

The pandemic has added layers of adversity and trauma inside the lives our children, families, and communities. Children remain the poorest age group in America, with children of color and young children suffering the highest poverty levels.

Nearly 1 in 6-more than 11.9 million-were poor in 2018.

Nearly 73 percent of poor children were children of color.

Research on the pandemic's effect on mental health is still in the early stages, but current evidence shows a surge in anxiety and depression among children and adolescents. From March, 2020 through October, 2020, the share of mental health-related hospital emergency department visits rose 24% for children ages 5-11 and 31% among adolescents ages 12-17, when compared to the same period in 2019. For years, untreated mental and behavioral health disorders have been a festering challenge in our nation's schools. Each year, an estimated 1 in 5 U.S. children experience a mental, emotional, or behavioral disorder, including anxiety, depression, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder and disruptive behavioral disorders. Yet only about 20% of them receive care from a specialized mental health provider, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). And that was before COVID-19.

"If you look at the prevalence of kids who have school adjustment difficulties and mental health problems, it was too high before the pandemic-and it's going to be higher now," says Roger Weissberg, PhD, a distinguished professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Illinois at Chicago and chief knowledge officer of the Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL).

As we move through this collective crisis, we must begin to understand behaviors through the lens of our physiological states. Neuroscience through the Polyvagal Theory has significantly impacted and shifted the ways we now are beginning to understand and address observable behaviors from our children and youth carrying in chronic dysregulation. Our schools will feel the repercussions from this pandemic in years to come with approximately 20 million children and youth currently out of school due to school closures this past year and many students have disappeared from their classrooms altogether. The pandemic is a threat to our nervous systems which shuts down accessibility for felt safety and connection with another.

Our physiological states are inherently social, affecting everything we feel, sense, do, and experience within our internal and external environments. This is true for all adults, but the brain and body development of children and youth are constantly being shaped by experiences with others and the perceptions of environments. The chronic behavioral challenges we face in our schools from our children and youth are often communicating states of threat and survival.

When our brains and bodies perceive threat, we protect and defend through our behaviors. When we are fear-filled, angry, anxious, or worried, our nervous systems are not available for learning, reasoning, logic or rewards, stickers, and consequences.

Behaviors are only the indicators for how our brains and bodies are experiencing the internal and external environments. In moments of heightened conflict, educators are often unprepared to read the nervous systems of our students, as we focus solely upon the behavior. From the research and words of Dr. Stephen Porges, "Low and loud frequencies represent predator like sounds." Children who come from dangerous and toxic environments, often have delayed language and this can be the result of how our hearing changes when our nervous systems are in a threat and protect response. In a survival response, we do not hear the endings of words because the ear muscles are expanding and protecting us, so our ability to hear clear conversation, redirection, consequences, and the endings of words are limited as we are only able to respond to the beginning of words and tones of voice!" Our prosody (tone of voice) can unintentionally reactivate and exacerbate threat detection in our nervous systems, producing an escalation of behaviors that begins to protect and defend in a cycle that leads to repetitive discipline referrals, suspensions, restraints and sometimes seclusion. We disconnect from our children and youth when they need us the most. These behaviors are signaling an urgent call for protection and defense for our very survival.

From the research of Dr. Nicholas Long, "Those who work with troubled youth do not begin the day by saying, "I'd better schedule some time this afternoon to be sarcastic to J, to yell at Sam, to threaten Sylvia, and to suspend Seymour." Yet, school staff frequently find themselves in counteraggressive struggles with their students. How do we explain adult counteraggression when our intentions are to help students, not fight them? Is counteraggression a function of personal inadequacies, a lack of self-control, a derivative of early child-rearing experiences? Or is counteraggression a biological "instinct" that all humans possess? When our survival feels to be at risk, our own nervous systems detect threat and danger and we too, like our students, can move into the nervous system pathways of dissociation, fight or flight.

As Dr. Stephen Porges states, "When we begin to understand who we are as a mammalian species, we will begin to respect the dyadic reciprocal interactions with our students as a neural exercise to restore co-regulation and strengthen a child's or adolescent's ability to access their calm state in moments of conflict and dysregulation."

Traditional discipline works the best for the children who need it the least and works the least for the children who need it the most. Why? Because our children and youth who carry in layers of pain from adversities have nervous systems that swim in seas of survival, attending to threat in all moments, and when we yell, threaten, suspend, restrain, or seclude, we are fueling the fires of a nervous system that is already in flames! The chronic behavioral challenges we face in our classrooms and schools require safety, connection, and the emotionally available, predictable and safe adult and who can share his calm regulated nervous system. Discipline is not about the student. It is about the adult's nervous system and connection with the child or adolescent. When we begin to deeply understand that co-regulating with a child is not rewarding bad behavior but changes the relationship of power between the child and adult so that we begin to rebuild and repair through our authenticity and presence, we begin to create new circuits in the brain and body, down regulating fear while upregulating the emotions of stability, safety, and calm. This can be an endurance event. The brain and body learn from patterned repetitive experiences. The only way I can begin to repair with a child or youth, is to check in with my own nervous system knowing how contagious emotions are and to have awareness of my changing nervous system states. Our goal is not always about being regulated and calm, but to recognize when we are not! Therapist Deb Dana shares that our emotional, mental, and physiological health benefits when we befriend our nervous systems. The goal is to recognize when we are stuck in dysregulation and our bodies feel the sensations of growing irritation, unrest, and negative emotion. Often, we can become stuck in our own emotional cycles and stress responses so that we are unable to access and share that state of calm reflection with our students.

Adult Awareness

To begin to understand that my body moves through a variety of nervous system states every day and when I am aware of how I feel and sense experiences in my body when I am triggered by certain behaviors, I can be prepared and address those sensations and feelings. My body is working for me, not against me!

Can we cue for safety ahead of time? What feels calming and soothing to us that we can access in times of need? Are there three practices that feel safe and calming in the moment? These could include, deep breaths, a five minute walk, running our hands under warm water, splashing cold water on our faces, massaging the right side of the throat where the carotid artery is located, sighing, a huge yawn, texting a colleague, writing or doodling your feelings or sensations, chewing a piece of gum, grabbing a hard candy or a mint and noticing the taste and sensation for a couple of minutes or changing locations in the room focusing on a visualization of a positive implicit memory that brings initiates feelings of calm and some pleasure. (Sounds, visualizations, breath, movement, tastes, connection, music, nature, pressure, warmth, rhythmic, or any sensory tool that feels regulating.) It is important to think of these regulatory practices ahead of time and have a plan for an in the moment mediation. I also encourage educators to rediscover practices or projects at home that are enjoyable where we can spend a few minutes integrating the day with a short walk, drinking tea out of a favorite, mug, a 10-20 minute refresher nap, listening to music or any project that feels enjoyable.

Once we feel a shift in our nervous systems, we can access our cortex and the parasympathetic pathway that produces a lower heart rate, respiration, and lowered blood pressure and clarity of thought and memory. The following are questions that are critical to reflect upon when we encounter challenging behaviors with our students.

A. What do I say to myself when things do not go well? In other words, what is my self-talk? What could I begin to say replacing the negative words that have become my reactionary responses?

B. In difficult situations today, what are two positive outcomes I did not recognize in the moment?

C. Am I releasing control of what cannot be controlled, or am I holding on to the words and emotions of others that I have little to no control over?

D. Could I journal the perspective of another, deeply resonating from their mind, heart, eyes, and words? What do I sense, experience, and feel from the child or adolescent's perspective that I did not recognize in the moment of conflict?
Questions to ask ourselves with our most troubling students:

What else is going on here?

What does this child need?

What keeps me only looking at the behavior?

What is this behavior communicating about the student's nervous system right now?

What in the environment could be triggering this behavior?

Students carrying in chronic levels of stress require our calm nervous systems and our presence that says, I see you. I value your lived experiences. I want to learn from you. I hear you and we can begin again! Traditionally, our discipline handbooks and protocols often imply, "When you're most unhappy, I am not available to you, and I will threaten, isolate, or send you away to learn your lesson!" School discipline practices can become experiences and environments filled with conditions that amplify threat and danger, intensifying racialized trauma with our students of color and our special education students. We must begin to look deeply into the neurosciences of how adversity and trauma impact the developing nervous systems of our most vulnerable, yet brilliant and promising children and youth. What we misunderstand when we implement these punitive measures, is that a child's survival has so often been flooded with rejection, isolation, terror, and so many moments of unpredictability, that the behaviors are reflecting an autonomic nervous system that is scanning the environment for threat and danger in all moments.

Many of our children and adolescents are living on the edge of survival, because past traumas and adversities alter what the brain pays attention to so instead of asking our students to make a better choice, we must ask ourselves to create an environment where co- regulation and connection are foundational within our discipline practices. Students can attend and attune to repairing conflicts and relationships, accepting consequences when they are feeling safe, heard, felt, and calm.

Co-regulation occurs with developing trust and a sense of safety. We often need space and time to settle our nervous systems. Co-regulation does not require words or conversation and sometimes just our nonverbal communication and presence has positive contagion as we return and find our sense of relaxed calm. Once we have had some space, shared presence, and time, we may be able to offer validation, gentle questions, and a narrative or a reframing of an experience but words are not heard until there is a collective calm and trust. As we prepare for co-regulation with our children and youth, we need to address these questions.

Where do children and youth feel safe? Are there places in our schools that cultivate a sense of safety for our students? Have the students had input about the adults they trust?

Our brains and bodies learn through patterned repetitive experiences and this is a process that takes time, patience, and mutual do-overs! Below are some questions that can create a shared and growing understanding of one another in times of conflict through validation and reframing.

Student Awareness

I cannot imagine how frustrated you must feel.

I cannot possibly know how this feels to you, and I am so sorry.

What do you need me to understand?

What am I not hearing or understanding?

How can I help you to feel safer?

If you could think of three experiences, people, or places that help you find your calm and return to the cortex, what would these be?

Do you want to journal or draw brain maps of safety and of danger, would that be helpful?

What does anger look like to you? Can you draw it? What does fear feel and look like to you? Can you draw or write about this? What does calm and peaceful feel and look like to you?

What feels unfair or unjust about this situation?

What can I do or change that would feel better for you?

How can we work this out together? I want to learn from you.

What happened is over, so I am wondering how we could handle this again if we were given the opportunity?

Something I noticed was how you agreed to try this again! Look how your body and brain responded when this happened?

Wow, look at what you just shared with me. Thank you for that.

Author, neuroscientist and speaker, Dr. Joe Dispenza shares, "When you have mastered how to do something and it has become hardwired in your mind, and emotionally conditioned in your body, then your body knows how to do it as well as your unconscious mind. You have memorized an internal neuro-chemical order that has become innate." Only then do we begin to see sustainable behavioral changes, and not just compliance and obedience.

When we begin to teach our students about their neuroanatomy, they feel a sense of relief and empowerment. Together we build a collaborative language that begins to reduce the labels, stereotypes, the focus on behaviors and the shame so many of our students carry into our schools. As Dr. Steve Porges states, "What we call depression is the cluster of emotional and cognitive symptoms that sits on top of a physiological platform in the immobilization response. It's a strategy meant to help us survive; the body is trying to save us. Depression happens for a fundamentally good reason, and that changes everything. When people who are depressed learn that they are not damaged but have a good biological system that is trying to help them survive, they begin to see themselves differently. After all, depression is notorious for the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. But if depression is an active defense strategy, people may recognize they are not quite so helpless as they thought." When we befriend and share the strengths of our nervous systems with our children and youth, we empower each other to see attributes, purpose, and possibility! This is the new lens for discipline!

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Bad Behavior or Nervous System Response - Alliance Against Seclusion and Restraint

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Our nervous systems and physiological states create and produce the behaviors we observe, question, discuss, punish, suspend, seclude, and attend to in all moments throughout the day! As educators who sit with 30 to 180 plus nervous systems every day, we have traditionally paid attention to observable behaviors, assessing them as appropriate, disrespectful, inappropriate, oppositional, aggressive, manipulative, and a variety of other labels and classifications.

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A really cool podcast/blog about trauma informed practices. Can you identify any of your learners who are seeking connection when they're 'exploding' or their behaviour is out the gate? 

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A really cool podcast/blog about trauma informed practices. Can you identify any of your learners who are seeking connection when they're 'exploding' or their behaviour is out the gate? 

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I translate the complex science of the Relational Neurosciences (that's just fancy talk for the parts of the brain that keep us in connection with ourselves and everyone else) for helpers, healers, educators, and parents and make it practical, useful, ultimately- life changing. A student once described me as "Neuroscience with heart...wrapped in glitter and fun!"

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As a teacher and educator, I am very concerned about the push down of handwriting. It is scary to see the wide spread practice of teaching three and four year olds to write before they are physically ready. I wanted to share a few developmental pieces I have regarding the development of the hand grip.

As you look at the physical developmental picture of a child's capacity to hold a writing instrument, think of the practices in your classroom or with your child. While we all know every child's readiness is individually based - for most four year olds, the fine localized movements required to write effectively have not developed. Looking at Stage Four, we see that many children will not develop this until age 6. In countries like Finland, Switzerland and Sweden, children are not formally taught to write until seven years old. This allows for the vast differences in readiness.

Additionally, I think it is vital we remember the child in a holistic picture. Not only is there the development of the hand grasp - there is the development of visual motor perception, cognitive capacity and the ability to attend to the task.

STAGES OF PRE-WRITING SKILL DEVELOPMENT
(Physical Domain)
Fine and Gross Motor Skills, Body Awareness, Physical Health

Stage One Palmar-Supinate Grasp (1 to 1.5 year olds)
Held with fisted hand
Wrist slightly flexed
Wrist slightly supinated away from mid-position
Arm moves as a unit

Stage Two Digital-Pronate Grasp (2 to 3 year olds)
Held with fingers
Wrist straight
Wrist pronated
Wrist slightly ulnar deviated
Forearm moves as a unit

Stage Three Static Triposture (3.5 to 4 year olds)
Held with crude approximation of thumb, index, and middle
fingers
Continual adjustments by other hand
Ring and little fingers only slightly flexed
Grasped proximally
No fine localized movements of digit components, hand moves as
a unit

Stage Four Dynamic Tripod Posture (4.5 to 6 year olds)
Held with precise opposition of distal phalanges of thumb, index
and middle fingers
Ring and little fingers flexed to form stable arch
Wrist slightly extended
Grasped distally
MCP joints stablized during fine, localized movements of PIP
joints (test by drawing tiny circles)
More photos of what these grips look like. Comprehensive Book on Grasp Development
Tripod Grasp (efficient)

Quadropod Grasp (efficient)

Palmer-Supinate Grasp (inefficient)

Digital-Pronate Grasp (inefficient)

Photos from www.elmbrookschools.org
Interestingly, many researchers have found that the dynamic tripod grasp is not the only functional pencil grip. In fact, a grip called the lateral/dynamic quadrupod and four finger pencil grasp were nearly equal to the dynamic tripod grasp for functional writing. There are efficient and inefficient grasps.

I have seen in many kindergarten classrooms, the practice of using adaptive pencil grips for a large number of the students. Hello! Is this not a huge wake up call?! Adaptive pencil grips are not the answer. These devices can help a student achieve a tripod pencil grasp but that does not mean the quality or timeliness of the student's handwriting will improve.

What we know is that handwriting readiness involves not only the hand grasp but such things as visuomotor skills, proprioceptive-kinesthetic awareness & handedness. There is a development moment for teaching handwriting (that includes writing the name, tracing letters, etc). I am concerned about the current trends.

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The Stages of Hand Grip for Writing - Fairy Dust Teaching

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As a teacher and educator, I am very concerned about the push down of handwriting. It is scary to see the wide spread practice of teaching three and four year olds to write before they are physically ready. I wanted to share a few developmental pieces I have regarding the development of the hand grip.

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This is a great starting point for our PBL

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This is a great starting point for our PBL