# data[].attributes.body
A part of myself I have been neglecting is the hippo body I have on. Can't you believe that I be wearing a 200+ pound body. The obesity is kuxacka. She really said BIG BACK BIG BACK. Would I do something about it? Yes. Would I do something about it now?Condolences cause hell no. Probably in the near future when I get my shit together. Overall, enjoy looking at this juicy ass before I lose it.

Xoxo Kia

# data[].attributes.body
There are several parts of me that I have been neglecting. I think one main thing that I have been neglecting is my physical health. Everyday I beat myself up for letting myself go. As we get older we start to feel all the pain that is caused by being unhealthy. After traveling to Japan it made me realize that I need to take my health seriously. I guess that’s why it’s on my vision board. So, I am making a promise to myself to take care of myself physically, emotionally, and mentally. If you I feel good then I feel happy.

# data[].attributes.body
I think I feel most at peace when I’m bed rotting (EH!) I’m kidding, I feel most peace when I go on drives or when I decide to go reconnect with nature such as idk going on walks or hopefully a hike soon. I like it that way because my mind doesn’t drift off to things that give me worry. When I do these things, I only focus on what’s in front of me like the road (road road road), the trees, the water, the wind, and etc.

# data[].attributes.body
I feel the most at peace when I am surrounded with the people that bring me comfort. When I work with my students (although they can be a big pain in my ass). Being around the coworkers I enjoy being around with. Smoking all the j's in the world. When I am the most comfortable in my ability to believe that I am a good daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, and teacher. When I do the things that make me the most happiest. When I see the world. Everything that puts a big smile on my face is the true peace because then I realize the importance of happiness.

# data[].attributes.body
1. Honestly the only thing I be neglecting is my bank account ehh… I think one thing that I am neglecting is not believing in myself. I understand we all move at our own pace but I lowkey feel like I am held back. I feel like I could be doing more but I feel like I am doing less. I regret not being determined or not taking things too seriously because it really is biting me back in the ass. However I do believe that God puts us in certain situations for us to learn, grow, love, and appreciate more.

2. I honestly feel more at peace when I am home. I feel like once I am left alone to think and to wonder is a very sacred space. It always important to put yourself first — it’s okay to be selfish when you are trying to protect yourself and hour inner peace.

3. SKIP

4. I think there are many things in my life that I hate and hated settling for. However one thing that I settled for that I lowkey still taunts me is settling to major in Education. Don’t get me wrong, being new to. NMC scared me and I honestly took the “easy” way out. I remember this was around our second year in college back in spring 2021 I was already having different thoughts and I started to question if education was really meant for me. I wanted to do social work because I wanted to work with the general population of the CNMI but once I felt like it wasn’t meant for me bc I was deep in with SOE there were multiple things that happened to me when I wanted to pursue something else but I was consistently reminded that I am in the right path. BUT FUCK PRAXIS!!!!!!

# data[].attributes.body
2. One thing that I have been afraid tl face is that time really is the biggest thief. I am going to be 25 this year but it felt like it was just yesterday I graduated high school. High school is going to be 6 years go this year and not going to lie life has been so different. There were roomed where life wasn’t good to me but God gifted me many blesses that I should be grateful I am realizing time is a thief because I have grown and accomplished many things within those 6 years. I am also feeling this sort of way because my mom is aging and I worry about her everyday. There are days where her and I bumped heads but I will forever love that fucking lady man. And bruh I am not going to talk about my difficult love life, I know god has a plan so for now I will not admit that I am scared I will end up as a matandang dalaga.

# data[].attributes.body
One thing that I still hold onto that no longer serves me is the mindset that I am not smart enough to pass praxis. All this time throughout the process of working on trying to pass, I have always doubted the fact that I could actually pass this assessment. This mindset no longer serves me because the more I feed into it, the more it will interfere with my ability to actually pass it. Time to let go. Time to believe that I can do it.

# data[].attributes.body
Something that I’ve been really afraid to admit to myself is the fact that maybe counseling really is not for me. As much I love helping students I think I belong in the classroom. The bond I build with the students in the classroom truly makes me happy. Maybe I chose counseling as the easy way out. Maybe I’m just questioning myself because I dont have a counseling job. I don’t know. I also feel like I’m afraid to love someone again. Not explaining further. See on the next topic.

# data[].attributes.headline
3. What am I holding onto that no longer serves me?

# data[].attributes.subject
3. What am I holding onto that no longer serves me?

# data[].attributes.body
I’m holding onto the mindset that I want to be an educator, but as day passes I feel like it is slowly no longer serving me. I guess it has something to do with my sub job, this time it’s kind of different. Last year, I worked with the same kiddos. Seen all of their highs and lows. But this year I’m thrown into classroom to classroom and I see ugly sides of students and that makes me not want to work in the education field anymore. I’m afraid of letting this one go because I have no plan B, I’ve known since ever since that I wanted to work at a school— so I ignored all other career opportunities for this one. So now I’m stuck sticking into something I want to work out, but it’s draining the fuck out of me lately (hence my nonstop bed rotting after work and over the weekend).

# data[].attributes.body
What I need to forgive myself for are the big mistakes that I have done in the past. I have been holding myself accountable, as I should, but also put so much weight on my shoulders for not understanding the bigger picture - to learn from those mistakes as it pushes you to make better decisions and to do better in general.

# data[].attributes.headline
3. What’s something I desperately needed to hear growing up but never did?

# data[].attributes.subject
3. What’s something I desperately needed to hear growing up but never did?

# data[].attributes.body
Bruh why didn’t anyone teach me what life was really going to look like after 15? Like ofc I heard about the “study hard”, “make sure you’re smart so you can get a job”, or the “don’t end up like those teen moms”. But no one, I mean no one fucking told me that life is so fucking cruel and we can’t do shit about it. No one told me that you’ll lose people, no one told me how hard it’s going to be when you fail, no one told me how hard it is to be financially stable, no one told me that even after all of this happening to you— life will still go on. The world will keep spinning. Sigh, I think that’s why I make it my life’s mission to tell my kids the hard truth about everything. They may think I’m exaggerating, but these were really the things I needed to hear from our mentors back in high school. Because life after that, despite having the best moments, were so messy. I just wished someone told me growing up how much it was going to change you, that it was going to start making you go against your old self to start changing your ways for a better outcome.

# data[].attributes.body
I feel like I’ve spent so much of my life pouring into others cups. Whether it be lifting them up, encouraging their growth, even being the dependable person people could count on. Although I love helping people I feel like I’m the last option. (Hey siri play back burner.) even if I truly meant everything that I do for a lot of people, I feel like I spent most of my time helping them than helping myself. Now it makes me wonder if I had chosen to put myself first, set boundaries, chase my goals without looking back, or simply believe that I deserve the same effort, would I be at a different place in my life. But in all honesty, I am trying to live the best version of myself. I’m slowly learning to accept that being alone is me learning to love and put myself first.

# data[].attributes.body
2. The version of love that has been modeled for me and that has affected me was definitely self love. I think this goes way back to when my dad started cheating on my mom and my mom didn’t love herself enough to leave that she chased after my dad. It saddened me because her pride was too high to show people that she has a broken family. And as I reflect on this specific question today, I always told myself to love me more and to choose me always because I refuse to make a fool out of myself. I don’t care if I don’t find love, I don’t care if my kids grow up in a broken family, I don’t care if a man cheats on me, I don’t care if I need to cut people out of my life, — that just means YOU didn’t CHOOSE and LOVE yourself more. You are less than a man in my eyes if any of that shit happens to me. I feel like I conquer and defeat all odds because I chose myself and I loved my self enough to get myself out of that situation.

# data[].attributes.body
5. I am choosing this question bc this can answer multiple question. Younger me would be crying and jumping for joy because I am doing what younger me wanted to do — go/graduate college, enjoy her 20’s, travel, and above all appreciate and enjoy life. I love how I got to travel with my girlies bc younger me always saw pictures on her tumblr board of friends traveling and I always wanted to do that and I got to do it already!!!!! And I can’t wait for next years travel destination!!

# data[].attributes.body
I wouldn't want to consider this a small moment because it was a BIG THING for me and I am sure the rest as well, but one moment that brought me joy recently was the Japan trip I had with the girlie pops. It was such a bitter sweet moment, but also a very fun and wild one too. Japan treated us so well, but it wouldn't have been an amazing trip if it wasn't for the girls.

# data[].attributes.headline
5. What part of my current life would younger me cry with joy to see?

# data[].attributes.subject
5. What part of my current life would younger me cry with joy to see?

# data[].attributes.body
I think my younger self would cry with joy to see that I’m actually a successful person today. When I was younger, about 6 years old, I was always excluding from the reading activities we would have in class bc I didn’t know how to read. It’s even messy to the point where one of my classmates will purposely choose me to read during pop corn reading and my classmates would groan bc they knew I was slow asf. Even got to the point where my teacher would cut me off and read for me. It made me so sad that I started developing school anxiety, I hated going to school bc of those bitches.

Recently, when I went to PI. I bumped into that teacher that loves to cut me off during reading. She asked me what did I finish college on and I proudly said “Education, as a matter of fact, I mostly teach English/Reading and Writing”. I said it with a tune bc I wanted her to know that I never forgot about those brutal moments. My dad felt the tension LMAO he excused us and we kept walking our dogs. Also the bully that always picked on me to read didn’t even finish school so— she’s 25 and a mother of 5 already, while I’m traveling and living my best life. I could’ve swore, I saw small lenlen cheering on the side haha.

# data[].attributes.body
Younger me would cry over the fact that I finally have my own money to spend. Growing up I was always taught to put my family in the Philippines first or from time to time it would be “your sister first”. I grew up in a household where my parents only made minimum wage. We had foodstamp and Medicaid to help us get by. We even had DCCA. How fortunate are you, you would think. We lived in a home for most of my life where we didn’t have to pay rent. High school came along and all of a sudden we weren’t able to receive such assistance and now have to pay rent. Life truly changed back then. With my parents living in fear due to their papers, the thought of not being able to provide a roof over our heads or put food on the table, all those concerns became anxiety. My dad resulted in the casino and even being unfaithful to our family. I guess this is why I truly hated my high school years. Sometimes I wake up to arguing and I have to put up a front because I need to go to school. Fast forward after I graduated high school, I made a promise to myself that I will get a job and when I get one I will slowly heal myself because all the trauma i went through will be worth healing. Now that I work and make my own money, I even help pay some bills, I feel like with every online purchase I make, every ticket I book, every single penny I spend on myself or the people around me makes me happy. I finally get to heal my inner child a little at a time. Giving is truly better than receiving.

# data[].attributes.headline
2. Where in my life do I need more courage?

# data[].attributes.subject
2. Where in my life do I need more courage?

# data[].attributes.body
I know we have to be patient and honestly I am! I really am! But I know at one point there’s going to be someone who wants to pursue me and I think that’s the part in my life where I need the most courage. I think after my last relationship, I officially don’t know how to love someone. I can love you guys, but I don’t know how to love one person who can commit. With that, I get so anxious that I might not have the courage to give it my 100%. I fear that with that mindset, it might go on until I’m idk in my mid 30s and I won’t have kids yet and therefore I wouldn’t know my true life’s purpose bc I don’t have the courage to try again. But I think that’s only my take rn because relationships or even the thought of someone blowing up my phone and constantly asking about me freaks me out that I ran away na. So yeah, I believe that maybe that’s something I need more courage when I reach that point in my life— to be willing to try again without being afraid.

# data[].attributes.body
2. An area in my life that I need more courage and hope is my career. I know I am not a teacher yet and I beat myself up about it everyday and it makes me sad that I know people who are in still school but are about to graduate have successfully passed praxis and ugh it just makes me sad because I’ve been working so hard for it since forever and what if they get it first than me. Am I too greedy? Maybe. Am I degrading their capabilities? Yeah, maybe, UGH SORRY LORD! BUT UGH I KNOW I AM A FAR GREATER TEACHER EHHH I AM SO FULL OF MYSELF! BUT SHIT MOST OG MY 20’S WERE SPENT WITH KIDS! I started working with kids at 20 so NMC fuck you for taking my degree away from me and fuck you Amanda for not giving me a complete grade. I know I am more of a teacher than you are.

# data[].attributes.body
There are several areas in my life that I need more courage. I think I’ll be able to list three areas. Lol! The first area is really to have the courage to pass praxis 2. I feel like with all the unsuccessful trials, I’ve put that at the back of my head. As of right now my priority is to work and make money. There’s nothing wrong with that. But I’m also bearing myself up for not studying and taking praxis seriously. Maybe I don’t need courage for this, maybe I need the confidence that I will pass the test. And you know what, on May 15 when I take that test I will own the whole testing room. I will put my all and pass. Another area in my life that I need more courage in is CONFIDENCE. I’ve always struggled with being confident. I’ve always been so sheltered. Back then, I found that I was asking myself “maybe you don’t have a boyfriend because you’re jot confident to be like the other girls” but I don’t want to be like the other girls. Today, the confidence I want is to feel that I am truly happy with how I carry myself. Not making myself look happy but inside I’m drowning with every single fear and anxiety that I have. The last is to just have courage. Courage to wake up and go to work with a positive mindset, Courage to be more confident, and most importantly the courage to live life with no fear and anxiety.

# data[].attributes.body
As cliche as this may sound, my relationship is where in my life I need more courage. Only because this is something that is so very new to me. Not only because it is my first for everything, but because I am with someone who is a woman. It's a whole new territory that feels thrilling and intriguing to experience, but it's also something that I find myself afraid of feeling because it's something I haven't experienced before. Something I never expected myself to be involved in. Uncharted territory, but it's a new experience that I most definitely fell in love with.

# data[].attributes.body
honestly, I hope next month brings me peace. Peace meaning to be able to go on drives this time and walks just because I want to. Not because I need to get shit out of my chest or not because I want to forget about something— only because I want to. I’m hoping next month is a fresh start for all of us as this month is kind of a vulnerable month for us considering grades are due and grad for all is coming up. I want to take this month to lock in and grasp the idea that I can do it and I can achieve anything! No matter what happens. So next month, I could just chill and start new.

# data[].attributes.body
I will stop surviving and start living once I pass my praxis and locked in a good paying job that will pay me enough to not have me living pay check to pay check. To have enough money for everything I need for myself, for my loved ones, and my students. I will start living once I have no worry of any financial struggles and the creeping thought of having to study for Praxis. I will start living once I experience the world with my loved ones or even myself. I will start living once everything that I have worked so hard for is given to me by NMC (stupid ass bitches).

# data[].attributes.body
3. Stop surviving and start living is really short and simple. Stop giving excuses to everything in life. There is a reason why we face such challenges, why we are out and certain positions, why plans change, and most importantly, why we tell ourselves to start fresh. I have to choose to stay consistent even if I feel like I’m going nowhere. Because that nowhere could be somewhere to others. I’ve learned to start accepting the days as the come. No more planning and just going with the flow. “We live and we learn” as Mr.Poland says.

4. I hope next month brings me more joy and success. Hopefully next month I no longer have to worry about passing the praxis because on ETs it’ll show that I’ve passed. I also hope next month brings my savings back up. I want next month to be a clear new start and filled with lots of love.

# data[].attributes.body
3. What it would mean to stop surviving and to start living to me would be to stop putting myself down because I know I am far more worthy of what u want to accomplish and even if I haven’t accomplished it at least I am still working towards many of the goals I have in life. I need to stop telling myself that this is another era in my life where I am going to let things be. Everyday is a new era for everyone, we are constantly changing and growing that I need to tell myself that even if it’s okay that I haven’t passed praxis it doesn’t mean that I need to sweep it under the rug. Instead I will tell myself to work towards it. I need to stop telling myself that it expensive because I want to treat myself. Bitch there is no more temu. I need to start investing and studying so I can pass and achieve more in life!!!!

ALSO A PART OF LIVING INSTEAD OF JUST SURVIVING IS REALIZING MONEY BUYS HAPPINESS!!!