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10 ideas to celebrate RSE Day with parent/carers

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10 ideas to celebrate RSE Day with parent/carers

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8 Sex Ed questions & answers for parents/carers

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8 Sex Ed questions & answers for parents/carers

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On International Sex Education Day, 2 February, we teamed up with Teen World Confidential to host a Twitter chat. Here are the 8 questions that went out and Outspoken's brief replies...

Use teachable moments! Hearing a song, watching TV, passing a billboard, hearing a comment: they're all springboards for conversation. Try a podcast or article as an alibi: "I just read/heard..." Reflect back: "Remember when you said X. I've been meaning to say Y..." Or just start!

Deliberately do not make negative comments about your body. But do comment on the good things you feel about your body and what it has done and can do. Go out and move with your child. Be positive about girls being active. Counter comments about looks with remarks about abilities

Sexting can mean written messages, images, videos or livestreaming. Figure out what your child knows about sexting generally. Then: has it happened at school, to a friend, to them? Have they or a friend ever received - or sent - a dick pic? Would they forward one on?

Picture books: Hello Sailor (a bit indirect) and Made By Raffi. Graphic novels: I love Fun Home (by Alison Bechdel of Bechdel film-test fame). Spinning by Tillie Walden is well done, also Drama by Raina Telgemeier. I'll Give You The Sun and David Levithan books are said to be good

It's a tricky balancing act of remote learning plus juggling a combination of messaging and talking to friends online, gaming, seeing a friend in as safe/distanced a way as possible, getting out into nature. Kids knowing what they need for their own good mental health helps!

With young kids: say if they something online upsets them, eg naked adults touching each other, to close the device and come talk to you. With preteens: ask what they know about it, explain about what it doesn't show and how it can influence desire. With teens: talk facts and neuroscience!

Defy the pink/blue divide; go for other colours. Question our culture: can't girls play with trucks and boys with dolls? Why are jobs seen as female/male? How are girls/boys conditioned? Call out stereotypes in TV shows, ads, clothes, toys. Accept your child as they are

First look at your own experiences and values about love, intimacy, sex, relationships. Use correct terms for body parts. Use LGBT+ inclusive language. Let your kids know it's OK to be sexual. Talk about consent. Even if it's awkward, be matter of fact, open and honest

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8 burning sex ed questions and 8 quick answers

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On International Sex Education Day , 2 February, we teamed up with Teen World Confidential to host a Twitter chat. Here are the 8 questions that went out and Outspoken's brief replies... Use teachable moments! Hearing a song, watching TV, passing a billboard, hearing a comment: they're all springboards for conversation.

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What is RSE? Leaflet for parents/carers EAL

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What is RSE? Leaflet for parents/carers EAL

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An introduction for parents/carers in Arabic, Urdu, Somali & English

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An introduction video for parents/carers

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Parent/Carer Info: What is RSE/RSHE [Primary]

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A introduction video for parents/carers

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Parent/Carer Info: What is RSE/RSHE [Secondary]

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Video for Primary & Secondary (short un-narrated version)

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FAQs for Parents/Carers: RSE [Primary & Secondary]

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Video for Primary & Secondary (longer narrated version)

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Use RSE Day as a great opportunity to send surveys to your parents to get their views on RSE

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Parent Survey Questions - Healthy Schools

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Simple conversations to keep your child safe from abuse

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Simple conversations to keep your child safe from abuse

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RSE Home-School Lessons for Parents/Carers

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RSE Home-School Lessons for Parents/Carers

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Parents are the primary educators of RSE & these home-school lessons are a great resource to help parents speak about RSE topics

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HOMESCHOOLING LESSONS | Outspoken Sex Ed

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You are your child's first and most influential educator! Teach your child about sex and relationships with these short sessions on bodies, babies, consent and more

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Age 0-4

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Age 5-7

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From 'Body Image' to 'Consent' - Get the facts & top tips to have these conversations with your children

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Look into topics to discuss with your child or teen - from puberty, consent and porn to sexuality and gender

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Age 7-11

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Webwise Parents: Talking to your teen about respectful communication online

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Elaine Byrnes, Doctoral Researcher-Psychology, NUI Galway offers advice to parents on talking to your teen about respectful communication online.

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Some things last forever... others don't

Sharing nudes that could hurt or embarrass others causes real harm, damages reputations and changes lives FOREVER.

It can also be a criminal offence.

For more information and support go to: http://watchyourspace.ie/forever

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This powerful short film explores how young people communicate and connect online

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Based on real life experiences, Connected is a short film exploring how young people communicate and connect online. The film encourages young people to reflect on why their actions matter and the impact it can have on others. We shape the internet everyday with our interactions. You can play a part in creating a better, connected online world.

For advice and support on managing your online wellbeing visit: webwise.ie/connected

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The Full Picture is a short film exploring how young people use social media to connect and share. The film highlights the influences and pressures young people face online and encourages them to see the full picture. Social media helps us share our lives but it does not tell the whole story.  The campaign encourages young people to be mindful of what influences them and how they respond to pressures online.

For support and advice visit: www.webwise.ie/thefullpicture

Produced by Motherland
Directed by Ellius Grace

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#BeInCtrl - A Short Film on Online Grooming

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It is NOT okay for anyone to pressure or coerce you into sending nudes online.
If this happens to you,
you are a victim of a crime.
Don't share more photos or videos.
Don't pay anything.
Report it to An Garda Síochána.
#BeInCtrl

Created by Webwise Ireland- Internet Safety and Awareness Centre, Ireland on the topic of Online Exploitation and Coercion as part of the Be  in Ctrl educational resource.
Directed by by Hugh Mulhern 
Produced by Motherland

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Share what pupils really want from RSE with parents/carers.

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Safer Internet Day (9th February) is an EU wide initiative to promote a safer internet for all users, especially young people. It is promoted in Ireland by the PDST Technology in Education and Webwise, the Irish Internet Safety Awareness Centre.

The theme for this year's Safer Internet Day is #BeKindOnline. For most people, being online is a positive and useful experience. But with technology being such a prominent part of everyday life, it has never been more important to recognise the impact that our behaviour can have on others, and how the interactions we have with others online can influence our own self-esteem and wellbeing.

This year for Safer Internet Day 2021, #BeKindOnline highlights the importance of respectful online communication, to foster a sense of care and empathy for others, and to encourage people to manage their online wellbeing.

Parents have an important role to play in helping to ensure that their teen has a positive experience online, and Safer Internet Day can be a great time to engage with your teen in the conversation.

Here are some great free resources from Webwise to help you start the conversation with your teen on managing their online wellbeing and building digital resilience.
1. Managing my online wellbeing
Help your child make the most of their time online by watching The Full Picture video together. This short film explores how young people use social media to connect and share.

This video is a great way to start a conversation on the influences and pressures they may face online and encourage them to see the full picture and be mindful of what influences them and how they respond to pressures online.

More advice and tips on how to talk to your child about managing their online wellbeing is available here.
2. Practising Safe Online Communication
One of the biggest concerts parents have when it comes to their child's safety online is around unwanted contact. Talk to your child about the importance of practising safe online communication using the Be in Ctrl short film.

More information on how to help your child identify suspicious communication online and know where they can get help and report suspicious communication is available here.
3. #BeKindOnline
Promote respectful online communication using the Connected short film. This powerful short film explores how young people communicate and connect online. Connected encourages young people to reflect on why their actions matter and the impact it can have on others.

More advice and tips on how to talk to your teen about respectful online communication is available here.
4. Sexting - What Parents Need to Know?
For many parents of teens, sexting can be a big concern. Talking to your child can be the best way to ease concerns. Watch this expert advice video featuring Elaine Byrnes, Doctoral Researcher-Psychology, NUI Galway explain why teens may get involved in sexting and offer advice on how parents can talk to their teens about image-sharing.

More advice and useful talking points on how to start the conversation with your teen about sexting is available here.
5. Image Sharing and Consent
Explore the topic of image-sharing and consent with your teen using the Forever video. Forever addresses the topic of sexting and highlights the potential consequences of sharing images without consent.

Advice and talking points for how to begin a conversation with your child about image sharing is available here.
6. Respect and Consent Online
Watch this expert advice video featuring Elaine Byrnes, Doctoral Researcher-Psychology, NUI Galway offers advice to parents on talking to your teen about the importance of respect and consent when communicating online.

More advice and support on what to do if an image/video of your child is shared online is available here.
7. #BeKindOnline Webinar Series
As part of Safer Internet Day 2021, the Irish Safer Internet Centre will host a series of free online safety webinars for parents and educators on the topic of Empowering Healthy Online Behaviour in Children and Teenagers.

The webinars are free to attend and will give parents an opportunity to ask questions. Guest speakers include Mark Smyth, Clinical Psychologist and Dr. Nicola Fox-Hamilton, Cyberpsychology researcher and lecturer.

Register for the free online safety webinars for parents here.
For more information visit the Webwise Parent's Hub here.

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Free resources to help parents talk to teens about online safety

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Safer Internet Day (9th February) is an EU wide initiative to promote a safer internet for all users, especially young people. It is promoted in Ireland by the PDST Technology in Education and Webwise, the Irish Internet Safety Awareness Centre. The theme for this year's Safer Internet Day is #BeKindOnline.

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During the next 15 years I am going to.pdf

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Some teens need guidance on how to masturbate - here is a guide on how to do this.

Many parents don't feel they need to talk to their kids about masturbation. For the most part young people are left to work this out for themselves. However I get many young people accessing BISH for information about how to do it safely, sometimes young people have hurt themselves or are worried about doing it too much. So some parents may feel that they do need to talk about this - but how?

Let's start with you

We might have our own views or 'values' around masturbation which might relate to what we were taught when we were growing up. Think about what you were first taught about masturbation; from parents, teachers, friends, religious teaching, cultural values, TV and media. Write a few down. Which of these are relevant now? Are they true or useful now? Which do you believe in? Having a think about some of this can help you to understand some of the barriers to talking about masturbation and sex in general. Often when we realise what we've been carrying around with us we can then think more carefully about what it is we actually want and need to say about it.

What do you want your kids to know about masturbation?

We hear a lot of stigma and negative rumours about masturbation, but the facts are that it is a perfectly pleasurable activity which most people do and enjoy doing.

Masturbation is fine

This is also true for young people. It is a healthy way to explore how it feels to be sexual, to understand what an orgasm feels like, to experience how being touched in a sexual way can feel (as opposed to another way), to learn that we have rights to touch our own bodies how we want to, it can help us to understand how our bodies work, it can help to make our bodies function (for instance it helps to loosen foreskin), it can be a great stress relief, it can make us feel relaxed.

Not all people have sexual feelings but those that do have the right to feel them if they want.

For young people who are learning about themselves as being sexual for the first time, solo masturbation is preferable to sex before they are emotionally ready with someone else. Many parents have anxieties around their children being sexual and this is heightened with parents of a child with a disability, particularly a learning disability. However a young person with a learning disability is still likely to be having sexual feelings, to experience the feelings of being sexually aroused by someone (either in person or in an image). Of course not all people have sexual feelings but those that do have the right to feel them if they want.

How to make sure it is

Actually the anxiety many parents have isn't that their kids are masturbating but that they may do something inappropriate. It's not necessarily masturbation that is the problem but understanding where, when, how and how much. Young people I work with also share some of these concerns.

Many parents' anxieties aren't around masturbation itself but more about inappropriate behaviour.

So it's a good idea to try to address some of these and to try and do it in a practical and matter of fact way. You know your kids so you're the expert here, but below are some tips that you might find work for you.

Doing it in private

Children and young people are at risk if they touch themselves sexually in public. Often a parent's response to a child touching themselves in Sainsbury's (people do this in other supermarkets too) is to say "don't do that." This sends out a message that masturbation is wrong, not that masturbation in Sainsbury's is wrong. So not to panic, breathe and say something "that's okay to do but you must do it in private, not in public."

Some young people might get what 'private' means more easily than others. You can practice at home by using simple pictures or labels on rooms about where is private and where is public.

Doing it safely

People aren't taught very much about their sexual anatomy. Mostly this is fine as people learn about what feels nice for themselves. However sometimes people may touch themselves in ways that can cause damage. They may cause chafing, or tearing or soreness if they do it too hard - this is particularly true if they are doing it but not realising it should feel pleasurable.

Plenty of young people writing to me at BISH have asked about damaging themselves after masturbation - you can see a couple of my responses here, here and here. These posts about the penis and the clitoris should provide some useful pointers for people to understand their bodies. It's worth remembering that masturbation during puberty can help to stretch the foreskin.

If your kid is having trouble understanding this, or you want to explain how to touch themselves, you could get hold of some play doh or plasticine and make a model of what someone's genitals might look like. They could practice touching the models gently in a similar way to how they may touch their own. Alternatively they could do a drawing.

How often is okay?

People may have a particular time when they want to masturbate. This might be in the morning or evening in bed. This might not cause any problems if their bed is in a private space. However sometimes people may want to masturbate more frequently. Again if this is in private and if this is done discreetly this may cause a problem. Parents may worry that they spend too much time doing it, but sometimes this is a worry young people have too.

Rather than talking about masturbation, you could frame this as a time management thing. Talk about the importance of doing their homework and their chores. Also making sure that they have a broad range of interests and friends. You might find some help in this response I gave to a young person.

© Justin Hancock, 2015

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Some teens need guidance on how to masturbate - here is a guide on how to do this. Many parents don't feel they need to talk to their kids about masturbation. For the most part young people are left to work this out for themselves.

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How to talk to teens about sex. Some practical tips from a sex educator and trainer which also looks at why talking about sex can be difficult.

Sex is a very big topic. It is very personal, it's about values, emotions, personal experience. Sex, sexuality and relationships can define us and shape us as humans and can change our lives totally. No wonder it's difficult to talk about.

I don't have kids so I'm not about to lecture you on parenting. But I've talked to 1000s of teenagers over the last 20 years about sex and relationships. It wasn't easy at first, and I'm still learning how to do it properly, but with a bit of self-reflection and practice I got more confident. When I train other adults to do the same thing they agree with me.

In this article I've put a few exercises together that you can try out with partners or friends (or teens). They are designed to make you think about your values, attitudes and feelings. The stuff we carry around with us since we were really young.

These activities are adapted from training courses I run (which were adapted from a training course from the inspirational Carol Painter) and I would encourage you to do try them out with your partner or friends. I hope that by talking about it with your peers then you will be more confident talking about it with your teens.

I've also included some practical tips and information about this, including 5 quick tips at the end. I hope you find it useful!

Let's start with you

Our own sex education can have a huge impact on how we talk to other people about sex. Try this activity. Think carefully about what messages you received about sex from an early age. Here are a few to help you, but please also think of your own. The messages could be direct ("don't do that it's dirty"), or indirect and sub-conscious ("my mum didn't get embarrassed when there was sex on the TV"). Even think about words which are naughty and stigmatising (think of a swear word - it's likely to be about sex and relationships).

Many people find that their ability to talk openly and honestly about sex is related to how open and honest their own sex education was. However most people seem to have received very little positive sex education themselves. Think about what you learnt? Was it positive or negative? What do you think now? Do you think what you learnt is good or bad? Which would you like to keep and which would you like to drop?

Why do people have sex?

This activity is very simple and it's a good one for you to try both with other adults and casually with teens. Write down all the reasons that people have sex (here I'm talking about consensual sex with someone) - go on! Think of at least 20. Once you've done that answer the following questions:

Which are positive and which might be problematic reasons to have sex?
Which of these can *only* be achieved through having sex?

What do you notice? Are there 'good' and 'bad' reasons to have sex? How many 'bad' reasons are there to have sex? Why do people have sex for 'bad' reasons? How is it possible to have sex for 'good' reasons? Which of those can only be achieved through having sex - none right? Can sex give us everything we want or can we get what we want through sex from other things? How might self esteem have an impact on our sexual decision making?

Now look again about what you learnt about sex - would what you learnt prepare people for the reality of sex and relationships?

Hot topics

Something else which can make talking about sex difficult is that sex has lots of topics which we can find controversial, or get very passionate about, or find difficult to think about. Thinking about hot topics, and what are our own hot topics, in advance can make talking about sex easier. Try this, get some friends round, open a bottle, or the biscuit tin, or go to the local and maybe talk about some of these things

Abortion

Sex under 16

Sex work

Equal marriage

Having more than one partner

Porn

Teenage pregnancy

Sex without love

I do this in training courses and simply ask people to pick up one of the terms and say whether they value it for themselves, for others or don't value it. I try not to allow a discussion, but just for people to speak for themselves - this way you get to hear more viewpoints. Try not to argue or prove a point but just listen to each other and take in differing views. Talking about it with your peers can really help to make you more confident dealing with these topics when talking to teens.

What you want your kids to know

Now you've tried the activities on here, think about what values and messages you would like your kids to know or learn about sex, sexuality and relationships. Remember that teenagers have probably learnt loads about sex and relationships already (both consciously and sub-consciously) and will have their own views, values, attitudes, feelings and sexuality: my advice is to work with these rather than against them.

Draw a poster outlining what you would like your teens to know about sex, what values and qualities they should have, what knowledge you would like them to have.

Do your homework

Reading up on this website should give you a good starter for 10 on what teens are interested in learning about.

As they say, knowledge is power. However you don't need to be an expert in sexual health to be able to raise the subject of sex with your kids. Finding stuff out together or admitting that you don't know all the answers is a really empowering thing to do for young people. Us sex educators are always looking stuff up or asking colleagues: every day I learn something new.

Reading a bit about the subject can help you to establish a vocabulary that you are comfortable with. Try talking about what you've learnt with a friend or partner - talking it through can help you get over the embarrassment factor.

Find out about services

No matter how much you learn about sex you may need to go to the experts at some stage. There are loads of sexual and reproductive health services in the UK for young people which are free and confidential. You can go with your teen to a sexual health service if you want to, though the clinician may want to speak to your teen by themselves. Young people can also attend these services by themselves. Here's more about services for young people.

These services are confidential to young people, even those under the age of 16. This means that a young person could (if they satisfy certain guidelines) get contraception, condoms, a pregnancy test, a termination, a check-up for STIs or counselling without a parent finding out. The good people who work in these services can and do encourage young people to speak to their parents, but they are not allowed to speak to parents or anyone else about their visit without the permission of the young person.

You may find this difficult, especially as young people are told about these services in schools and youth projects directly. However, without being able to offer confidential services, young people will be at risk of having unsafe sex and not coming forward. It might be a good idea to be proactive, find out where the local services are and stock some of their leaflets. My post above gives you all the links you need.

Don't just rely on schools

Unfortunately sex and relationships education (SRE) in schools is still rather patchy. Some schools do loads of excellent teaching with specialist tutors. Some schools (particularly faith schools) either teach nothing or teach from a very moral anti-choice perspective (often including inaccurate and unhelpful teaching about contraception and abortion). The rest do a little bit, but not enough to be effective (often just focussing on STIs, condoms and contraception).

It's good practice for schools to tell parents what it is that they are going to be teaching and it's even better practice to involve parents in the design and evaluation of the programme and to offer training and support. If your school doesn't do this then you could ask the PSHE co-ordinator what is being taught that year. This then gives you an opportunity to ask your teen 'what they learnt in school that day' and to be prepared with your own ideas.

You could perhaps do us a favour and lobby your school to give sex and relationships education a higher priority, thanks!

Set boundaries

Lots of parents worry that they will have to reveal information to their kids about their sex life or sexual history. A good sex educator will never talk to young people about their own sex life so why should you? The corollary of this is that you can't expect your teen to tell you everything about their sex life either.

At the beginning of any conversation you have about sex you could talk about how you want to talk about it, when works for all of you, how you all talk about it, and whether you are going to talk at them or have a conversation. You could try my talk for a minute activity if you like?

Talk about others

A great way to make talking about sex and relationships easier is to take, what we call, a distanced approach. This means talking about the sex lives and relationships of people on Eastenders, or celebrities. Eg "what do you think about how Jordan and Peter Andre are handling their break-up?" Or "why do you think people have sex?" Or "why do we have a high rate of teen pregnancies in the UK?" Talking about third parties is so much easier for all concerned, but still a very powerful learning tool.

Pin your ears back

All parents want their teens to be safe, but sometimes the anxiety about them staying safe can lead to people lecturing them and telling them what to do without actually listening to what they are saying. Kids want guidance from their parents, yes especially teens, so to make this easier for them it's important to demonstrate excellent listening skills. This can be about body language, but also it's about not being afraid of awkward silences. Also try asking open questions "How's your love life at the moment?" "How are your friendships at the moment?" Really listening to what they are saying is crucial, try repeating back to them a summary of what they have said.

Cheat

To make raising the topic easier you could just leave some leaflets around the home and then ask if they have seen them. You could also set home screens on the home computer to a suitable website (bishUK.com for example!) and then ask them about it. You could also have an 'ask it basket' in their room. Leave little squares of paper next to a box for your kids to ask a question. They then leave it in the box and you do your best to answer with a written response.

Just do it (little and often)

A big mistake that a lot of parents make is to think of this as one big sex talk. This can be scary and embarrassing for everyone. Try not to make a big deal about it, break what you want to say into little chunks and take it one stage at a time. Once you've started it gets a lot easier. Try to talk about sex and relationships in the same normalised way you would talk about anything else (this is the big difference between the UK and other countries such as the Netherlands - for them sex is just sex, no big deal). Remember also it's a conversation. Listen hard and talk soft.

For an excellent article by Heather from Scarleteen go here

FPA also run courses for parents called Speakeasy and also offer a Parent Pack of resources (particularly good for younger ones).

© Justin Hancock, 2019

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How to talk to teens about sex. Some practical tips from a sex educator and trainer which also looks at why talking about sex can be difficult. Sex is a very big topic. It is very personal, it's about values, emotions, personal experience.

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People worry a lot about young people watching porn. The most important thing is to keep a conversation going.

Why bother?

Although there is a lot of worry about young people watching porn it's important to remember that many, or even most, young people aren't interested in it. Young people are more likely to be interested in porn if they are interested in sex and generally this happens at an older age. Also young people are critical and literate consumers of all media - including sexually explicit media.

There's more on the evidence around this at my website for practitioners

So why talk to teens about porn? Sadly as sex and relationships education in schools is so patchy young people are often not given a great grounding in how to have mutually pleasurable, safe and consensual sex. The only other alternative for people is either porn, or actually having sex. Neither are ideal. So it's a good idea to talk about it, just like you would want to teach teens about anything.

What's right, what's wrong

There's nothing to stop a parent from saying what they think is right or wrong, telling their child what they personally think about porn and how they want their kid to behave. However I think this needs to be done within a context of active mediation, an open dialogue about sexually explicit media and really great sex education.
Read: An Educational Guide to Porn
Like most things to do with sex many people can have very powerful and conflicting values about porn. Discourse around porn is also very two sided at the moment so it's easy to get drawn into a side of being very pro or very anti porn.

My advice to parents is to think carefully about your values about porn and to let your kids know what you think, what your concerns are, what would bother you about them watching porn. But it's also important to speak for yourself. Not everyone is going to share your values and your values may not tally with what we know from research. Be honest that this is about you and what you think. You'll also need to acknowledge that whilst your kids may well think that what you have to say is really important, they are also building on their own values.

To give you an idea of some of the areas you might want to think about visit my piece Porn: Is It Legal, Is It Right?

Keep a dialogue open

The best way for any talk about sex is to remember that it's a conversation. Just shouting and not listening is simply not effective, even if it makes the parent feel better. It will shut down the conversation, the young person will clam up, the parent won't get any more info from them, the young person will hide their porn consumption, the parent won't know what they are watching so they will less likely to be safe - precisely the opposite outcome of what the parent wanted to achieve with the shouting.

This active engagement can actually make kids safer online. Research from the extensive 'EU Kids Online' project shows that active mediation is the most effective way of reducing the risks of harm for kids online as well as increasing their online opportunities. The more opportunities a young person has online the more resilient they become to risks. Active mediation means talking about the sites they are visiting and sharing online experiences together (though this may be more problematic around porn use). Contrary to what you may have heard, young people broadly welcome parental input in their use of the internet. Link

Keeping an open dialogue means that we can also be alert to red flags. For instance to make sure that someone is not being forced or coerced into looking at images. Also we need to make sure that teens aren't making and sending their own images. People also need to be aware of the law around the kind of images it is legal to watch (for instance in the UK, you have to be over 18 to watch porn).

Speaking of legality we should be very careful about recommending porn sites to young people. In the UK it's illegal to show someone porn (for the purposes of sexual gratification) (s12 Sexual Offences Act 2003). Porn can be used as a form of, or in the process of, sexual abuse. Recommending actual sites may be considered a little problematic.

Perhaps a different approach might be to have a conversation about internet skills: how can you tell whether a site is good or not, is a site free, if so who pays for the site, how to deal with pop-ups, how can you trust a link, is it an appropriate site, how can you update the virus software.

Filters can prevent young people from seeing pornographic material and they can be tweaked so that you can block certain sites you wouldn't want them to see. (Though interestingly research indicates that just using filters is not an effective way of reducing harm for young people online). Search engines also have settings which can be tweaked so that sexually explicit images don't turn up in results (though young people are pretty good at finding workarounds).

Another way to actively mediate young people's use of porn, and their use of the internet in general, is to moderate their use of the internet. One of the reasons that I think young people's use of porn is not as problematic as some people suggest is that many don't have enough private time to sit in front of a computer to look at porn. This is because they may not have private access to the technology (although increasingly young people do) but also because they are busy doing other things - like using social media, homework, gaming or actually having sex and relationships in the real world.

However prohibiting porn use (or private use of the internet) is unlikely to prevent a porn keen teen from watching what they want. Internet access is becoming increasingly prevalent: a young person could simply watch porn at someone else's house, or on their phone. Additionally porn and sexual imagery is prevalent on TV, magazines, films and in even in some newspapers.

Do great Sex Ed

Finding out that your kid has started watching porn is also an opportunity to do some seriously good sex education. Young people learn a lot from porn, some good some awful. Unfortunately where young people are not taught high quality sex education, they don't have the baseline knowledge and understanding to be critical and media literate enough about the images they see. For example boys often say to me that they think women in porn are screaming because the sex is hurting them. I have to explain that this is just bad acting and that sex should feel really pleasurable, not painful.

Being able to talk about porn with kids gives an opportunity to talk about: self esteem, body image, sexual decision making, boundaries, pleasure, consent, orgasm, communication, safer sex, sexual safety, the law, feminism, equality, list and love, emotions, relationships, masculine norms, sex scripts, sexuality and oppression.

Many people's sex education from parents is simply 'don't get anyone pregnant' or 'don't have sex till you're older.' Talking about porn is a great way to introduce big topics that young people want to talk about. Asking questions like 'why does the camera always seem to focus on the woman in straight porn' or 'why does sex end when the guy orgasms' or 'what do you think about the language used to describe people and sexual activity in porn' brings up areas that might not otherwise be discussed.

The ability to throw in an open question about porn at the right time can encourage critical thinking, which will stand them in much better stead than simply telling them what to think.
Read: A - Z of Porn
Five quick tips

Talking about any aspect of sex might not be easy and perhaps talking about porn is even harder. However it can be made easier by trying some of the following quick tips:

1. Try to do more listening than talking. Listen hard, allow the young person to talk about their experiences, concerns, worries, attitudes. Ask open questions to get them to think about what they are seeing and how this compares with real life.

2. Talk in the third person. Talk about references to porn or sexually explicit material the media. Talk about the politics of porn maybe ('lots of people think porn is harmful, why do they think that?') or about sex scenes in TV shows and films, discussing the difference between idealised images of people having sex and real life.

3. Set boundaries. You could say that you will never ask them a direct personal question about their use of porn and that you won't talk about your own experiences. You could agree to talk generally about some of the themes in porn rather than what you are both into.

4. Ask it basket. Put some slips of paper by the computer and a little box to post them in. They can ask questions about what they've seen and you can provide answers to them as best you can.

5. Cheat. Put this website as the homepage for the web browser.

© Justin Hancock, 2021.

I have a new book! Please buy it (if you want to, no pressure, it would please me if you did, but your call). More details here.

If you like could you please share it with your peoples. BISH is also on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and YouTube. No I'm not on TikTok.

Do leave a comment below if you have anything you'd like to add or if you have questions. I moderate all comments before they go live. You can also ask me questions If you want to leave me some nice feedback please do

BISH is sponsored by , thank you Durex. It's also funded by your kind donations. If you're an adult with cash, please consider supporting my Patreon or chip in directly via my So if you could help with that I'd be very grateful.

If you want to teach about this stuff, don't just show people a website - that's kinda boring! Check out my very popular RSE resources at bishtraining.com
Justin Hancock has been a trained sex and relationships educator since 1999. In that time he's taught and given advice about sex and relationships with thousands of young people in person and millions online. Find out more about Justin here

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People worry a lot about young people watching porn. The most important thing is to keep a conversation going. Why bother? Although there is a lot of worry about young people watching porn it's important to remember that many, or even most, young people aren't interested in it.

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​Sex, love and relationships topics come up at unexpected times with our kids. Our line-up of experts offers parents ideas on how to tackle tricky situations with young kids, tweens and teenagers

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What you should be talking about with your children and when

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WHAT IS AGE APPROPRIATE?

Wondering how far your explanations should go with your curious preschooler or your precocious pre-teen? Sex Ed Rescue offers a parent-friendly and practical age by age guide.

The Sex Education Forum's curriculum design tool, with its "life course approach", was originally designed for teachers but makes a useful guide for parents on toeing the "age appropriate" line:

Who is in my family?

What do I like about my friend?

What do we call the different parts of girls} and boys' bodies?

Where do babies come from?

Which parts of my body are private?

How can I say no if I don't want someone to touch me?

Who can I ask if I need help to know something or if I am worried?

How can I be a good friend?

What makes me feel good, and bad?

How do I know how others are feeling?

Why is my body changing?

Why are some children growing more quickly?

Why does having a baby need a male and a female?

Keeping safe and looking after myself

What are good habits for looking after my growing body?

When is it good or bad to keep secrets?

Where can I get information about growing up?

Who can I talk to if I feel anxious or unhappy?

What is love? How can we show it?

Can people of the same sex love each other? Is that OK?

Is my body normal? What is puberty? What kind of feelings come with it?

What is sex? What does a new baby need to keep it happy and healthy?

Keeping safe and looking after myself

How can I look after my body through puberty?

Where can I find information about puberty and sex? Who can I talk to if I want help advice about growing up?

Or if I feel anxious or unhappy?

What makes a relationship happy or unhappy? How will I know if I am in love? Do you have to have sex to show someone you love them?

Am I normal? Should we all look like pictures in the media? Why do boys get erections?

What is sex? What does a new baby need to keep it happy and healthy?

What is safer sex? What are the different methods of contraception? What's HIV and AIDs and how do you get it?

Can I see a nurse or doctor in private? Which are the best websites for help and advice on sex and relationships?

What's the best way to resist pressure from friends or partner to do things I don't want to do? Is porn real?

Feelings and attitudes

How does how I feel about my body affect my self-esteem and my relationships? What's it like to come out as gay/lesbian/bisexual/ transgender?

What do different cultures and religions believe about sex and relationships?

Keeping safe and looking after my sexual health

Who should be responsible for contraception?

How do I use a condom and will it affect sexual performance? What are the laws on sexual offences?

Sources of help and advice

What are my rights as a young person to information, sexual health and confidentiality? If a woman gets pregnant, what choices does she have?

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
WHAT IS AGE APPROPRIATE? Wondering how far your explanations should go with your curious preschooler or your precocious pre-teen? Sex Ed Rescue offers a parent-friendly and practical age by age guide. The Sex Education Forum's curriculum design tool, with its "life course approach", was originally designed for teachers but makes a useful guide for parents on toeing the "age appropriate" line: Who is in my family?

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An introduction and fun quiz for children

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Be The Boss Of Your Body – all about consent for kids

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How To Talk To Your Kids About Sex At Any Age

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How To Talk To Your Kids About Sex At Any Age

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How To Talk To Your Kids About Sex At Any Age

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The founder of My Little Yoni shares ways to start early, accurate, and positive sex ed at home.

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Articles and stories to help keep your child healthy and happy.

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Articles and stories to help keep your child healthy and happy.

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The best possible start in life - Grownups - Health for Kids

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Health for kids - Grownups - Health for Kids - Everything You Wanted To Know About Health

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Coming out

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The guide provides advice to parents of LGBT+ children who are part of the armed forces community and features case studies of a number of individuals working in the military or as civil servants.

Military life has unique pressures which can affect the children of service personnel, including regular relocation and change in schooling. The guide raises awareness of LGBT+ issues and includes advice and personal experiences of how military life can affect the parents of LGBT+ children.

It includes a number of tips and general advice for parents to create the best possible experience and covers a number of the common myths around having an LGBT+ child.

The new document also features the unique perspectives of Group Captain Tony Keeling OBE, a Station Commander at RAF Wittering, and his wife Mrs Bobby Keeling, whose son came out at the age of 15. Sergeant Major Mark Hill MBE, a Youth Engagement Officer, also provides his perspective in having a transgender daughter.

The guide also outlines a number of the resources available that provide a wide range of advice, support, meet-ups and events with other parents in similar situations.

Ministry of Defence LGBT+ Allies have created a guide to help parents currently going through related circumstances, whilst providing valuable information and raising awareness.

Chief of Defence People Richard Nugee said:

As a parent myself, it is important for the next generation to have the support they need and for parents to know that there is plenty of support out there for them too.

This guide will help raise awareness for defence personnel and underlines our commitment to being an organisation which reflects UK society.

The armed forces has long recognised the valuable contribution LGBT+ service personnel make to defence and this year all three services again featured in Stonewall's Top 100 Employers for LGBT+ people. The earlier in the year MOD announced new measures to create more modern and flexible accommodation, including allowing cohabitation of same-sex couples, in MOD properties.

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The guide provides advice to parents of LGBT+ children who are part of the armed forces community and features case studies of a number of individuals working in the military or as civil servants. Military life has unique pressures which can affect the children of service personnel, including regular relocation and change in schooling.

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A resource to support parents/carers to talk to their child about keeping safe

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Worried about your child sending or receiving nude selfies? Find out more about the risks and how to talk to your child here

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If you've found out your child has shared a revealing pic or video, don't panic. There are plenty of ways to stop things getting out of hand.

Watch these short films for advice on what to do next:

Understanding why

It's important to keep things in perspective and plan how to talk to your child. Remember, however stressed and anxious you are feeling, they are probably feeling more so. Watch this film to find out how one parent coped.

Talking to your child

It's a good idea to have ongoing conversations with your child about sex and relationships including nude selfies. It might be a bit embarrassing at first but this film suggests some ways to start it off.

When should I be worried?

Young people share nude selfies for different reasons and in different ways, and some situations are more risky than others. This film will help you to understand the different contexts in which images are shared and how to respond.

Where to get help

Find out about organisations which can help you and your child.

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If you've found out your child has shared a revealing pic or video, don't panic. There are plenty of ways to stop things getting out of hand. Watch these short films for advice on what to do next: It's important to keep things in perspective and plan how to talk to your child.

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On RSE Day we want to highlight healthy relationships. If you, or someone you know, are experiencing abuse in a relationship there are details of how to get help here

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Available any time Always free to call

Absolutely everyone. You can call the police on 999 if your own personal safety is threatened, if someone you know is at risk of immediate harm, or in case of an emergency.

When you call the police because you're in danger from domestic abuse, their first priority should be the safety and well-being of you and your children. The police should support you by:

Helping to protect you and your children

Trying to reduce the risk of further violence

Finding out what has happened and starting an investigation

Offering you initial support and safety planning

Directing you to organisations that can offer you further help and support

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Available any time Always free to call  Absolutely everyone.

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Watch some films with your child about keeping safe on the internet