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To Raise Confident, Independent Kids, Some Parents Are Trying To 'Let Grow'

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To Raise Confident, Independent Kids, Some Parents Are Trying To 'Let Grow'

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"[H]e ... says, 'Do you know how many kids go missing a year?' And I said 'By coincidence, I think I do know, and it's very small!' "

They talked it out, and the man eventually threw up his hands and walked away. Randall's heart was pounding, but she felt confident defending her parenting - partly because she had connected with a group called Free Range Kids, which promotes childhood independence, and gives families the information they need to push back against a culture of overprotection. Its founder is Lenore Skenazy.

"This very pessimistic, fearful way of looking at childhood isn't based in reality," Skenazy explains. "It is something that we have been taught."

For years, Skenazy sought to correct the misconception of childhood dangers - telling parents that childhood abductions and murders are at record lows, even as perceptions of danger have risen.

But even as she talked about the benefits of giving kids independence, of free time, and of self-directed play, she realized that addressing the individual parents was only half the battle. Because even if they have the facts, parents could still feel uncomfortable if they're the only ones affording their kids these freedoms. Also, it could get lonely being the only kid riding your bike down the street.

"You send your kid outside and there's nobody out there for them to play with - they're gonna come right back in," Skenazy laughs. "Because there is somebody to play with if they're online."

Skenazy set out not just to change parents' minds, but the culture at large. And founded a project called Let Grow.

While its goal is a cultural shift, its methods are almost laughably simple. Let Grow is reaching out to elementary schools across the country to assign kids the Let Grow project as homework. Participating kids decide to do something on their own that they haven't done before - whether it's walking the dog around the block, or making dinner, or walking a few aisles over in the supermarket to get some eggs. The schools also set up "Let Grow play clubs" - mixed ages, no structure, and no adult direction. Just free, child-led play.

Lori Koerner is the principal at Tremont Elementary in Long Island, one of a dozen New York schools piloting the project. She said that they saw a direct effect in the classroom. "The children were just more self-assured, and confident."

Koerner says with Let Grow, kids discover skills and abilities they didn't know they had. And they also discover what it's like to fail. While on the surface might not sound all that appealing, failure is how kids learn how to overcome obstacles, try out new ideas, and become resilient. It's also how adults learn as well - ask any CEO.)

"If we don't offer them these opportunities to communicate, to collaborate, to problem-solve, then how can they be successful in a global society?" Koerner asks.

According to psychologists, that's an important question. Dr. Peter Gray, research professor at Boston College who focuses on child play, says that erring on the side of caution isn't helping children. By trying to give kids a leg up, scheduling every free minute with karate or Little League or music lessons, parents are in fact doing them enormous harm.

Gray says that over the past 50 years, as we've seen a decline in children's freedom, we've seen an increase in responses on standardized questionnaires that indicate both depression and anxiety disorders. Specifically, an eight-fold increase on depression, and five-to-ten-fold increase on generalized anxiety disorder. Gray notes that this is just a correlation, and he's looked at many possible explanations.

"It doesn't correlate with economic cycles, wars, or divorce rates. But it correlates very well with the decline of children's freedom to play."

To Gray, this makes perfect sense. Especially when you consider that not having control of their decisions and life creates an external rather than internal locus of control.

Internal locus of control is "the degree to which you feel that you're in control of your own life, versus the degree you feel you're a victim of fate and circumstance and powerful other people," he says. "Every decade, young people report less internal locus of control, more external locus of control."

Putting kids in control helps them learn to solve problems, and cope better in new environments. Gray says animal studies even indicate that free play can promote pathways in the prefrontal cortex, strengthening control over the emotion-eliciting areas of the limbic system.

For parents, like Laura Randall, it's all part of the goal of parenting.

"There's the short game, where you're sort of doing the best you can in the moment," Randall explains. "But there's the long game. And there's paying attention to allowing a little risk, because it will pay off in the long run."

Randall understands that life has real risks. But so does getting in a car. And most of us still do it every day, because that's how to get where we want to go. For her son Matthew to become a confident, competent adult, Randall wants him to go outside, make his own mistakes, and figure things out. And she hopes he won't be the only kid out there doing it.

Copyright 2017 NPR. To see more, visit http://www.npr.org/.

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To Raise Confident, Independent Kids, Some Parents Are Trying To 'Let Grow'

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"[H]e ... says, 'Do you know how many kids go missing a year?' And I said 'By coincidence, I think I do know, and it's very small!' " They talked it out, and the man eventually threw up his hands and walked away.

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A new study shows how a growth mindset helps students cope with academic setbacks.

A new study finds that when students experience an academic setback such as a bad grade, the amount of cortisol-the so-called stress hormone-in their bodies typically spikes. For most students it drops back down to normal levels a day later, but for some it stays high. These students remain fixated on the setback and have difficulty moving forward.

The researchers analyzed the stress levels of students at two high schools in central Texas during an especially stressful time-the transition into high school. Students completed daily surveys asking about the stress they experienced, and daily saliva samples were collected to measure their cortisol levels.

A majority of these students-68 percent-experienced a drop in grades in the first semester and reported feeling stressed as a result. In how they handled that stress, two clear groups emerged. Students who believed that intelligence can be developed-a growth mindset-were more likely to see setbacks as temporary, and not only had lower overall cortisol levels but were able to return to lower levels shortly after a setback. Students who believed that intelligence is fixed, on the other hand, maintained high cortisol level for longer, said researchers-a stress response that tends to depress problem solving and intellectual flexibility.

"Declining grades may get 'under the skin,' as it were, for first-year high school students who believe intelligence is a fixed trait," explains Hae Yeon Lee, the study's lead author. "But believing, instead, that intelligence can be developed-or having what is called a growth mindset-may buffer the effects of academic stress." The researchers speculate that students with a growth mindset may be more likely to seek out "resources to help them cope-such as talking with teachers, peers, or parents about how to study more effectively."

Stress isn't always bad. Cortisol increases blood sugar, metabolism, and memory function, providing a temporary boost to physical and cognitive ability, and positive stress-called eustress -can boost motivation and decision-making, helping students achieve goals. The stress experienced over an upcoming test is a reminder to study, a way of raising the stakes so that students recognize the importance of being prepared.

But with chronic stress, high cortisol levels can instead impair brain functioning and suppress the immune system, causing long-term damage. During childhood, the neural circuits for dealing with stress are malleable, and chronic stress can rewire the brain to become overly reactive or slow to shut down when faced with threats. So too much stress can disrupt normal brain development and increase the risk of diseases even into adulthood, according to a 2014 Harvard report.

What can schools do to help? "For many young people, the transition to high school can seem like the start of a stressful, seemingly endless marathon," the researchers write. They recommend that in addition to helping students develop a growth mindset, schools pay closer attention to the demands that students face in ninth grade, and provide more academic and emotional support during this transition year.

The takeaway: Stressed-out students aren't thinking about solutions. If you want students to learn from their mistakes and overcome obstacles, think about ways to encourage them to adopt a growth mindset.

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A new study shows how a growth mindset helps students cope with academic setbacks. A new study finds that when students experience an academic setback such as a bad grade, the amount of cortisol-the so-called stress hormone-in their bodies typically spikes.

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Make Your Daughter Practice Math. She’ll Thank You Later.

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Make Your Daughter Practice Math. She’ll Thank You Later.

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The way we teach math in America hurts all students, but it may be hurting girls the most.

By Barbara Oakley

Ms. Oakley is an engineering professor and the author of a book on learning.

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Credit Credit Richie Pope

For parents who want to encourage their daughters in STEM subjects, it's crucial to remember this: Math is the sine qua non.

You and your daughter can have fun throwing eggs off a building and making papier-mâché volcanoes, but the only way to create a full set of options for her in STEM is to ensure she has a solid foundation in math. Math is the language of science, engineering and technology. And like any language, it is best acquired through lengthy, in-depth practice.

But for girls, this can be trickier than it looks. This is because many girls can have a special advantage over boys - an advantage that can steer them away from this all-important building block.

A large body of research has revealed that boys and girls have, on average, similar abilities in math. But girls have a consistent advantage in reading and writing and are often relatively better at these than they are at math, even though their math skills are as good as the boys'. The consequence? A typical little boy can think he's better at math than language arts. But a typical little girl can think she's better at language arts than math. As a result, when she sits down to do math, she might be more likely to say, "I'm not that good at this!" She actually is just as good (on average) as a boy at the math - it's just that she's even better at language arts.

Of course, it's hard to know what's taking place in the minds of babes. But studies revealing developmental differences between boys' versus girls' verbal abilities alongside developmental similarities in boys' and girls' math abilities - combined with studies that show that among girls, self-perceived ability affects academic performance - seem to indicate that something like the above dynamic might be going on.

Unfortunately, thinking you're not very good at something can be a quick path to disliking and avoiding it, even if you do have natural ability. You can begin to avoid practicing it, because to your mind, that practice is more painful than learning what comes more easily. Not practicing, in turn, transforms what started out as a mere aversion into a genuine lack of competence. Unfortunately, the way math is generally taught in the United States - which often downplays practice in favor of emphasizing conceptual understanding - can make this vicious circle even worse for girls.

It's important to realize that math is, to some extent, like playing a musical instrument. But the instrument you play is your own internal neural apparatus.

When we learn to play an instrument - say, the guitar - it's obvious that simply understanding how a chord is constructed isn't the equivalent of being able to play the chord. Guitar teachers know intuitively that the path to success and creativity at the guitar is to practice until the foundational patterns are deeply ingrained. The word "rote" has a bad rap in modern-day learning. But the reality is that rote practice, by which I mean routine practice that keeps the focus on what comes harder for you, plays an important role. The foundational patterns must be ingrained before you can begin to be creative.

Math is like that, too. As the researcher K. Anders Ericsson has shown, becoming an expert at anything requires the development of neural patterns that are acquired through much practice and repetition. Understanding is part of acquiring expertise, but it certainly isn't all. But today's "understanding-centered" approach to learning math, combined with efforts to make the subject more "fun" by avoiding drill and practice, shortchanges children of the essential process of instilling the neural patterns they need to be successful. And it may be girls that suffer most.

Going to an all-girls school isn't necessarily what makes a girl good at math, research finds.

All American students could benefit from more drilling: In the international PISA test, the United States ranks near the bottom among the 35 industrialized nations in math. But girls especially could benefit from some extra required practice, which would not only break the cycle of dislike-avoidance-further dislike, but build confidence and that sense of, "Yes, I can do this!" Practice with math can help close the gap between girls' reading and math skills, making math seem like an equally good long-term study option. Even if she ultimately chooses a non-STEM career, today's high-tech world will mean her quantitative skills will still come in handy.

All learning isn't - and shouldn't be - "fun." Mastering the fundamentals is why we have children practice scales and chords when they're learning to play a musical instrument, instead of just playing air guitar. It's why we have them practice moves in dance and soccer, memorize vocabulary while learning a new language and internalize the multiplication tables. In fact, the more we try to make all learning fun, the more we do a disservice to children's abilities to grapple with and learn difficult topics. As Robert Bjork, a leading psychologist, has shown, deep learning involves "desirable difficulties." Some learning just plain requires effortful practice, especially in the initial stages. Practice and, yes, even some memorization are what allow the neural patterns of learning to take form.

Take it from someone who started out hating math and went on to become a professor of engineering: Do your daughter a favor - give her a little extra math practice each day, even if she finds it painful. In the long run, she'll thank you for it. (And, by the way: the same applies to your son.)

Barbara Oakley is an engineering professor at Oakland University in Rochester, Mich., and the author of " Learning How to Learn."

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Opinion | Make Your Daughter Practice Math. She'll Thank You Later.

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The way we teach math in America hurts all students, but it may be hurting girls the most. By Barbara Oakley Ms. Oakley is an engineering professor and the author of a book on learning. For parents who want to encourage their daughters in STEM subjects, it's crucial to remember this: Math is the sine qua non.

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5 YouTube Channels for a STEM-ful Summer

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5 YouTube Channels for a STEM-ful Summer

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- 5 YouTube Channels for a STEM-ful Summer | BookShark

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Real learning can take place without the need for formal assessment or curriculum. YouTube videos offer homeschooled kids the opportunity to research new topics simply for the joy of satisfying their curiosity, making for a STEM filled summer.

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When is it more than giftedness? A psychologist's perspective

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When is it more than giftedness? A psychologist's perspective

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Sometimes it's not about giftedness.

Let me explain...

Many of you reading this are already aware of the misdiagnosis initiative, and know that many gifted children - and adults - are misdiagnosed as a result of their gifted traits. Asynchrony, hyperfocus, overthinking, social awkwardness, to name a few, may lead those lacking an understanding of giftedness to overpathologize and frame these traits as diagnostic of a mental health, developmental or behavioral problem. ADHD, OCD, and "on the spectrum" are some of the labels these children receive, when in fact, their behaviors may be manifestations of their giftedness.

But what about when the diagnoses are valid?

As a clinical psychologist, I have encountered situations where teens or adults have been misdiagnosed, and when problem behaviors resulted from social/emotional traits associated with giftedness, or the social ramifications of being gifted. I have also seen individuals who are gifted, but have co-occurring mental health concerns.

These diagnostic questions also arise in my work as a coach, where I consult with gifted adults and parents of gifted children. Although coaching is quite different from psychotherapy, my perspective as a psychologist remains an integral part of what I do. I still think like a clinician and take a history and listen through the "ears" of a psychologist.

Over the years, I have noticed a trend where some gifted adults or parents of gifted children, well-versed in the gifted literature, assume that their troubles are exclusively due to giftedness. And while gifted intelligence and social/emotional issues can provoke their own set of unique troubles, sometimes... sometimes... the issue is a mental health problem.

Yet, some gifted adults and families understandably hope that giftedness is the culprit. They dismiss others' warnings and comments - or their own nagging doubts. Perhaps, they needed psychotherapy years ago, or their child is more distressed than they had imagined. It's just Dabrowski's overexcitabilities - not depression - right? He just overthinks everything - he'll get over the anxiety eventually - won't he? They had hoped the problems were less serious. After all, who wouldn't want this to be true?

Remaining attuned to your child's intellectual abilities, emotional and social functioning, and interpersonal needs is much easier said than done, of course. Children have different needs depending on their developmental phase, interests, abilities, family dynamics, and unique personality. As parents, we often are vulnerable to the opinions of others - family, friends, social media, self-help authors, pediatricians, teachers, spiritual leaders. You or your child may be mislabeled, misdiagnosed, or not appropriately identified as gifted. Your child's or your own giftedness may be pathologized, or conversely, used to explain away more serious levels of distress that warrant treatment.

Take it seriously

We need to remind ourselves that children's and adult's emotional struggles must be taken seriously. We don't want to "overpathologize" and ignore how giftedness contributes to social and emotional functioning, but symptoms of distress should not be dismissed as "just a part of being gifted" or "a phase" that will pass. Unlike what you may read in online forums or hear from well-meaning acquaintances, not every ADHD diagnosis springs from corrupt physicians in bed with "big pharma." Not every diagnosis of social anxiety disorder ignores the role of giftedness in your child's heightened sensitivities. Depression needs to be treated and not just dismissed as the existential angst so many gifted teens experience.

Get help when it's needed

Trust your instincts. Listen to your gut. If that nagging voice inside tells you that something more is going on, that you or your child are more distressed, or that additional support will help you navigate a difficult period in time, get some help. Gifted social/emotional traits may shape your child's or your own interests, sensitivities, passions, and quirks, but when these cross the line into distress and psychological symptoms, please seek the support of a licensed mental health professional.

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When is it more than giftedness? A psychologist's perspective

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Sometimes it's not about giftedness. Let me explain... Many of you reading this are already aware of the misdiagnosis initiative, and know that many gifted children - and adults - are misdiagnosed as a result of their gifted traits.

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A Danger Sign for Parents and Schools: Poor Sleepers

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A Danger Sign for Parents and Schools: Poor Sleepers

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If this describes your daughter, she's probably a good sleeper.

"She is happy, inquisitive, and focused. She quickly and correctly detects social clues, shows a good sense of humor, masters the curriculum, works to do what's right, and feels optimistic about most things. In fact, she's always looking on the bright side of things, maybe a little too much."

But if this describes her, she's probably a poor sleeper.

"She's cranky, despondent, and moody. Often, she's easily distracted, forgets to follow through, struggles with learning, looks bleary-eyed, walks around in a fog, and accidentally trips or bangs into things. To her, everything's a catastrophe. A small pimple is an unmitigated crisis. It would be miraculous if she slept even six hours."

The Positive Influence of Quality Sleep

In his 2017 book, " Why We Sleep," Dr. Matthew Walker, professor of neuroscience and psychology at the University of California, Berkeley, clearly summarized much of the neuroscience of sleep, including the dramatically different effects of quality sleep and poor sleep. Among other consequences, he explained how quality may lessen emotional distress and strengthen cognition, learning and memory, and problem-solving.

Lessens Emotional Distress

Recent research has found that "REM sleep performed the elegant trick of divorcing the bitter emotional rind from the information-rich fruit [of emotionally upsetting experiences]. We can therefore learn and usefully recall salient life events without being crippled by the emotional baggage that those painful experiences originally carried ... You can accurately relive the memory, but you do not regurgitate the same visceral reaction."

Strengthens Cognition

"One longitudinal study tracked more than 5,000 Japanese schoolchildren and discovered that those individuals who were sleeping longer obtained better grades across the board. Controlled sleep laboratory studies in smaller samples show that children with longer total sleep times develop superior IQ, with brighter children having consistently slept forty to fifty minutes more than those who went on to develop a lower IQ. Examinations of identical twins further impress how powerful sleep is as a factor that can alter genetic determinism."

Strengthens Learning and Memory

"Within the brain, sleep enriches a diversity of functions, including our ability to learn, memorize, and make logical decisions and choices ... A tired, under-slept brain is little more than a leaky memory sieve, in no state to receive, absorb, or efficiently retain an education ... Sleep has proven itself time and again as a memory aid: both before learning, to prepare your brain for initially making new memories, and after learning, to cement those memories and prevent forgetting."

Strengthens Problem-Solving

"In ways your waking brain would never attempt, the sleeping brain fuses together disparate sets of knowledge that foster impressive problem-solving abilities ... REM sleep and the act of dreaming have another distinct benefit: intelligent information processing that inspires creativity and promotes problem solving."

The Negative Influence of Poor Quality Sleep

The consequences of poor sleep aren't neutral; they're destructive. As Dr. Penelope A. Lewis of the University of Manchester's Sleep and Memory Lab discussed in her 2013 book, " The Secret World of Sleep," sleep deprivation, such as regularly sleeping for six hours, has many downsides. Here's a smattering.

Creates Problems

"Many brain areas are down-regulated when we are sleep deprived, and this means our senses are dulled, we lose creativity and lateral thinking, and our moral compass and decision-making abilities are altered. Sleep deprivation also disrupts new learning and leads to general low mood."

Impairs Learning

"Sleep deprivation impairs learning ... The hippocampus, the part of the brain that is critical for learning new information, is markedly less active when you learn something after a night of sleep deprivation than when you learn the same information after a normal night of sleep."

Impairs Mood

"Tiredness can also lead us to see the world through a negative filter. We are more likely to perceive perfectly neutral facial expressions as negative, and we are less able to appreciate humor."

Impairs Health

"Sleep deprivation leads to an increase in the stress hormone cortisol, a small drop in body temperature and immune response."

Adding to Dr. Lewis' comments about impaired health, the National Institutes of Health (NIH) asserted that a "growing evidence shows that a chronic lack of sleep increases ... [the] risk of obesity, diabetes, cardiovascular disease, and infections."

Cautions

Likely, the conclusions of Drs. Walker and Lewis affect people to different degrees. After two nights of only six hours sleep, Wilson's ability to learn new materials may decline by 10 percent, while Edwin's declines by 20 percent and Larry's by 30 percent.

After two straight nights of quality, restful sleep, the intensively upsetting emotions that Luz originally felt about her painful experiences may have lost most of their piercing power, while Sheila's lost only a sliver, and Mary Ellen's none. These differences don't negate the importance of quality sleep. As Drs. Walker and Matthew's work has shown, it's important; it's critical.

Though Drs. Walker and Lewis' work doesn't emphasize struggling learners and other special education learners (however, Dr. Walker makes important comments about ADHD), there's no set of compelling reasons to think that our general knowledge of sleep doesn't apply to them.

In contrast, many compelling reasons suggest we should affirmatively and systematically act to ensure that all children routinely experience a good night's sleep, one that rejuvenates and energies them, that bodes well for improving their concentration, focus, learning, memory, mood, emotional well-being, and physical health. By failing to systematically do so, many children will suffer.

Evaluations

For well over three decades, I've analyzed countless reading, learning disability, and school psychology evaluations. Not one of these probed deeply for sleep problems or suggested follow-up sleep studies. Neither did my reports.

Why? Much of the valuable research on sleep has just started seeping into the world of education. Before this, the vast majority of reading specialists, school psychologists, learning consultants, and their professors never gained more than superficial, "passing" knowledge of children's voluntary or involuntary sleep problems. It's time to rectify the situation.

What You Can Do

In supportive ways, you can try to ensure that your child follows the well-established, highly effective tenets of sleep hygiene. The National Institute of Health (NIH), an outstanding federal agency grounded in research, offers a bevy of practical tips for improving the duration and quality of sleep. Here are three.

1. Stick to a sleep schedule. [Have your child] go to bed and wake up at the same time each day.

2. Have a good sleeping environment. Get rid of anything in your [child's] bedroom that might distract [her] from sleep, such as noises, bright lights, an uncomfortable bed, or warm temperatures.

3. Have the right sunlight exposure. Daylight is key to regulating daily sleep patterns. [Encourage your child] to get outside in natural sunlight for at least 30 minutes each day. If possible, have her wake up with the sun or use very bright lights in the morning.

If the NIH's recommendations produce little improvement, consider having your child evaluated by a Sleep Specialist certified by the American Board of Sleep Medicine (ABSM). If the problem's not medical, but behavioral, such as insistently using a tablet late into the night, you might institute a behavioral program aimed at improving your child's sleep habits.

In this instance, you may need to work with a behavioral psychologist who's highly skilled in improving sleep habits. ABSM certification is a strong indicator of knowledge.

You can politely ask your child's teachers and support staff about his daily alertness and energy. Does he yawn often? Does he start drifting off to sleep? Does his attention wax and wane? Does he often rest his head on a desk or table? Does he frequently complain about sleep or say he's "tired"? Does he get moody or restless at certain times of the day? Does his alertness and energy interfere with is learning? And so on.

You can politely and formally request that the school have a physician who specializes in sleep disorders evaluate your child. Because of the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA), federal law may support such a request.

Specifically, IDEA's evaluation regulations require schools to ensure that trained and knowledgeable professionals evaluate the student in all areas of suspected disability (see 20 USC § 1414(b)(3)(B)). Conceivably, "all areas" includes sleep if you have good reason and documentation to think your child's problems are caused or amplified by sleep issues. To my knowledge, however, federal courts have not ruled on this matter.

What Schools Can Do

School evaluation team members can interview you and your child's teachers to roughly estimate the likelihood that your child has sleep problems that are blocking is progress.

Schools can educate all remedial and special education personnel about the importance of sleep, the problems that poor sleep creates, the benefits of quality sleep, and appropriate steps they should take if they suspect that poor sleep is undermining a student's development.

Schools can conduct an annual series of parent workshops on Building Lifelong Sleep Habits. They can also create podcasts and webinars that match the needs of the local area.

Schools can contract for sleep studies by physicians who are Board-Certified Sleep Specialists. Similarly, they can contract with psychologists who specialize in helping children and youth overcome poor sleep habits.

Schools can schedule the day's first class to start at 9 a.m., especially in high schools. (This can help to prevent problems caused by the mismatch between school schedules and the circadian clocks of children and youth. Though changing schedules sounds easy, it's not.)

What Must be Kept in Mind

Education's overarching goal is to prepare students for successful lives. Thus, it's important to look well into the future, when today's children are adults. Much of the knowledge and many of the habits they develop today will either undermine or strengthen their adult lives, academically, socially, emotionally, physically, vocationally, recreationally, and medically.

Will helping children substitute good sleep habits and practices for poor ones make a difference? In a word, "Yes." As Dr. William Kohler, medical director of the Florida Sleep Institute, noted:

"If we don't get adequate sleep, our mood is going to be more depressed, we're not going to be as sharp cognitively, our thinking is not going to be as alert. And with lack of sleep, there are long-term potential consequences and changes in our health: Our immune system is not going to function as well if we do not get adequate sleep, and we're going to have a tendency to put on weight. There are some fascinating studies that they've done with children where they follow children for a number of years, and ones with short sleep times were more likely to become obese than children who had adequate sleep."

"There are various sleep problems that have significant health morbidity associated with them, like sleep apnea ... stroke, high blood pressure, irritability, depression, elevated cholesterol and elevated blood sugar."

My view: Let's not wait. Let's help kids now.

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MultiBrief: A danger sign for parents and schools: Poor sleepers

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If this describes your daughter, she's probably a good sleeper. "She is happy, inquisitive, and focused. She quickly and correctly detects social clues, shows a good sense of humor, masters the curriculum, works to do what's right, and feels optimistic about most things.

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What if sports-like praise was placed on students?

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What if sports-like praise was placed on students?

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This week was special.

Humble minion that I am, I was lucky enough to attend one of the Globe's Newspaper in Education programs: the All-Area Academic Excellence Team banquet sponsored by MSSU.

If there were a regional Super Bowl for academics, this event would be its awards celebration. Kids so bright their shadows wear shades. Teachers so dedicated their legacies wear capes.

The room held 20 of the highest-placing seniors from school districts in our area, as well as teachers the kids identified as having been instrumental to their success.

Trials and tribulations were discussed, work ethics were parsed, and willpower was given a seat at the head of the table.

It made me wonder what it would be like if academia were covered as volubly as sports in our media. Local newspapers have a pretty great corner on the market for celebrating the successes of students and school districts with detailed stories and front-page highlights, but sports still garners higher ratings. What would happen if the glamour and fame given to athletes were likewise heaped upon the kids who studied hard and aced the test?

What if ...

"Here with us now is the scholar with the valor, the kid with the grit, the one who's yet to drop a point in AP Calculus. Tell your fans how you did it."

"Well, it was a tough test, that's for sure. I mean, we've been studying pretty hard in groups, running equations in our spare time, but you never know what to expect at this point in the year. Luckily, when the pencils hit the papers, I knew I had a great group of scholars working around me. Their persistence and skill really pushed me to do my best. And my parents - man, I knew they'd be proud of me no matter what. It freed me up to make those complicated calculations without fear."

"Complicated indeed. We all held our breath when you hit that section of slope field functions, but you really nailed it! How'd that make you feel?"

"It felt great. It's what we've been training for all semester. And to power through it like that - I'm still catching my breath." (High fives a bespectacled boy with pencil lead smudged on his chin.)

(Turns to the high-fived boy.) "What was it like to be testing beside this beast of a scholar?"

"Oh, it was exhilarating. Her scores have brought the whole class to a higher level than we could've reached alone. And our teacher never lets us forget: We each have our own minds, yeah, but we accomplish powerful things when we support our classmates. Our scores even helped our school receive a grant for a new mathematics lab. The sky's the limit now."

My imagination runs wild. Reporters waiting outside the ACT testing site. Television crews filming a big reveal for the arrival of college acceptance letters. Fantasy league classrooms with daily updates for GPA and extracurricular stats.

It's silly, and I wouldn't truly want camera crews monitoring study hall. But the idea of heaping public accolades and ongoing recognition on kids who have worked hard for their education is appealing.

Not to mention doing so for teachers.

Once or twice per year, there's a big local to-do for educator awards. Teachers are nominated and recognized and honored for their daily attention to the challenge of leading young minds through the forest of knowledge, for instilling in the students an ability to find their own way once they've outgrown their school years.

I spoke to a number of the teachers chosen as most inspiring by the area's top students this year, and the smiles on their faces let me know that the honor of being recognized is great - but even greater was hearing of that honor directly from the lips of their students.

See, when the kids took the microphone and explained how their teachers have molded their lives, the teachers' faces changed. It was the difference between seeing a bonus on your paycheck and hearing the president of the company tell the world how invaluable you are. One is nice; the other is life- and career choice-affirming.

During the course of the evening, I was struck with the desire, suddenly, to tell each of my kids' teachers exactly what kind of mark they've left on our family. And to make sure my kids do the same.

I've talked with my kids before about the importance of speaking words of empowerment to those around you. About how meaningful it is to speak out instead of hold it inside when you see something you appreciate. About how worthwhile it is to be honest and free with your compliments. About how it can change someone's day. Or life.

Seeing these bold, clever students bestow gratitude and affirmations on their hardworking educators reminded me that the worthiness of the act never fades. The worthiness of speaking out in thanks and respect never dims.

One of the teachers chosen this year was Wendee Hughes, who works with elementary kids at Joplin's gifted education center. When the banquet was over, while parents and teachers and beamingly proud students posed together for photos, I sought out Mrs. Hughes. She made an impact on one of my children too once upon a time, and I wanted to be sure she knew.

I want to be sure all of my kids' teachers know how important their influences have been in our children's lives so far.

Those pictures my kids drew for you? Those came from the very bottoms of their hearts. The times they told us you needed snacks or glue sticks or hand sanitizer? It was because they love you and think you're the bee's knees. And when they come home talking about how much you challenged them or opened their eyes to a cool way of thinking, it's because your work is changing their world, right now.

I don't know if my kids will ever be perched at the top of their class, but I do know they'll grow up valuing the worth of their many patient and dedicated teachers. I mean to make sure they speak it to you as well because even if they aren't toting camera crews and play-by-play interviewers in their wake, you're still celebrities to them.

And if you don't believe me, just watch them go all stuttery and shy when we run into you at the grocery store; celebrities have a way of inspiring awe when spotted in the wild.

Sarah Coyne lives in Joplin. She writes about life and motherhood at her personal blog, http://this heavenlylife.blogspot.com.

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What if sports-like praise was placed on students?

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This week was special. Humble minion that I am, I was lucky enough to attend one of the Globe's Newspaper in Education programs: the All-Area Academic Excellence Team banquet sponsored by MSSU. If there were a regional Super Bowl for academics, this event would be its awards celebration.

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Gifted children can present quite a challenge when it comes to discipline. Whether throwing a tantrum mid-aisle at the grocery store, or questioning your rules with legalistic flair, your gifted child is no stranger to intensity... or conflict... or pushing the limits.

Parenting and disciplining a gifted child requires some different strategies than might be needed with other children. The following include some of the differences that just might apply to your child:

Be prepared for questions, debates, and endless dialogue about your rationale. This does not mean, of course, that you must debate every decision. Distinguish between reasonable requests for an explanation (why we can't get a puppy) and a manipulation to change your mind ("you let my sister stay up later three years ago, so I should be able to now"). Offer a clear, understandable reason and move on.

2. They expect fairness, logic and honesty

All kids do... but gifted kids, in particular, will rebel if they believe they are deceived or if decisions seem illogical. You don't have to share personal information (dad and I are stressed, so we need a weekend out of town), but outright deception (taking her to the dentist when you told her you were going out to get ice cream) will build distrust.

3. Their immaturity will surprise you

Despite their astonishing intellect, gifted children can display a surprising level of immaturity at times. They may melt down at the most inopportune moment, embarrass you with their lack of social skills (often due to asynchronous development), and refuse to use that logic you know they possess. Their immature behavior is more noticeable because of how much it contrasts with their heightened intellectual abilities.

4. They may abandon logic, and respond with emotionality, sensitivity, and rigidity

Although logical to a fault, gifted children are often highly sensitive, and may respond to a variety of situations with intensely emotional reactions. These can include emotional outbursts, oversensitivity, and rigidity (such as refusing to wear anything resembling the school color because of anger about homework). Emotional reactivity is more common among toddlers and teens, although can be a factor for some children throughout their childhood.

5. They may lack motivation if they disagree with what is expected

If the task seems unfair, unnecessary, too difficult, too easy, poorly conceived, wasteful, or affronts their values, they will resist. It may be difficult to coax a gifted child to comply when he holds onto the belief that a task is just plain wrong. Under these circumstances, you need to determine whether to insist that we sometimes do things we don't like (such as attend a cousin's wedding), or explain the rationale and long-term benefits behind a given task (why he must "show his work" in math class, even though he calculates most of it now in his head).

6. Sometimes misbehavior is driven by internal conflicts related to giftedness

Some behaviors that create problems may be fueled by conflicts associated with giftedness. Perfectionistic children might procrastinate, have melt-downs, and refuse to complete a task until it meets their standards. Those who grasp information more quickly than their peers - or siblings - may seem bossy and intolerant of others' relatively slow pace. Gifted children who are highly sensitive might struggle with family norms, such as spending holiday time with extended family, and respond with tantrums, or through acting out when they are older. Recognizing these conflicts will offer some understanding that your child is not purposely trying to be difficult, but merely responding to internal struggles that seem overwhelming.

What can parents do?

First of all, stick with the basics of child-raising and discipline

Child-raising basics ideally include providing love, limits, consistency, age-appropriate expectations, a stable home environment, empathy, open communication, healthy conflict resolution, and discipline that never, ever, involves physical punishment. Obviously, we all slip up. But trying to achieve these basic groundrules is essential.

Avoid punishment by planning ahead
Preventing the need for punishment is ideal. Some children respond best to incentives, where they work to achieve a goal or reward for accomplishing a task. Examples might include an extra hour of screen time for a week of not fighting with siblings, or extra allowance for getting ready for school in the morning without an argument. Since these goals are planned in advance, they differ from bribes, and can be reviewed and revised over time as your child progresses.

Acknowledge good behavior
When life is going well, it is easy to forget that all children appreciate acknowledgement when they are behaving well, complete their expected tasks, and demonstrate mature, considerate, or helpful behaviors. The expression,"catch them being good," still holds. The amount of praise or reward needs to fit the scope of the behavior. But even comments like, "hey, thanks for helping with the dishes," or "it was great to see you and your brother playing quietly at your grandparent's house" can have an impact. Excessive praise for the most minor task is unnecessary; just remember to let your child know how much you appreciate his kindness, cooperation, patience and responsible behavior.

Work with their logic

Gifted children appreciate logic, even if they don't agree with the outcome. Enlist the strength of their logical thinking to help them understand the rationale behind decisions. Of course, this does not mean debating for hours; instead, point out your reasoning, let them respond, and then insist that they move on.

Use discipline that seems fair
Most gifted children will understand that a "time-out" or loss of a favorite toy is warranted in response to unacceptable behavior - even if they don't like it. If the punishment seems out of proportion to the transgression, though, they will resent it. Similarly, offer incentives and goals that will encourage your child to stop engaging in problem behaviors.

Include them in decision-making

As gifted children get older, you might consider including them in a conversation about what they think is appropriate punishment for certain behaviors, as well as generating incentives and goals. If you agree with your child's suggestions, you could incorporate them into a plan for handling the next transgression. This level of participation gives your child a sense of control and involvement in the process.

Consider consequences that involve taking action

Rather than just using time-outs or removing a favorite object, you could require "community service" at home. The task might be as simple as expecting your child to clean the bathroom or rake the lawn. Sending your child to his room may not seem like much of a burden, whereas expecting some form of action to compensate for a transgression may have more of an impact.

Insist that they make amends

If the transgression involved destruction of property or hurting someone's feelings, insist that your child come up with a plan for making amends. A quick, empty apology is not enough. Ask your child to come up with a more heartfelt expression of regret for her behavior in words or action, such as repairing the damaged item, saving up to purchase the toy that was broken, or expressing a verbal apology that is more than just "I'm sorry." As much as your child won't like any of this, it will appeal to her logic and sense of fairness. It also may help the "victim" of the transgression feel more resolution.

Help predict and prevent situations that may lead to problems

Your gifted child may become easily overstimulated... or become bored and act up to amuse himself... or overthink and worry about a new situation, resulting in a balky refusal to participate. Help him with these difficult challenges through support, skills building, perspective-taking and role playing. Try to anticipate and steer clear of avoidable situations that create conflict. Develop a sense of when to push and when to let go of your own expectations. Of course, sometimes problems persist due to a range of difficulties - family crises, stressful life transitions, mental health problems, social stressors, etc. Under these circumstances, counseling with a licensed mental health professional can be helpful.

The best form of punishment is one that never needs to be used. Through a better understanding of what triggers your child's reactions, along with a fair and reasoned approach to discipline, your gifted child will recognize that certain problem behaviors won't achieve what she wants. Over time, these behaviors should improve or abate, and life should get easier for all involved.

This blog is part of the GHF blog hop on "discipline and the gifted child."

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Gifted children can present quite a challenge when it comes to discipline. Whether throwing a tantrum mid-aisle at the grocery store, or questioning your rules with legalistic flair, your gifted child is no stranger to intensity... or conflict... or pushing the limits.

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Dabrowski's 5 Overexcitabilities in Gifted Children

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Dabrowski's 5 Overexcitabilities in Gifted Children

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Polish psychologist Kazimierz Dabrowski identified five areas in which children exhibit intense behaviors, also known as "overexcitabilities" or "supersensitivities." They are psychomotor, sensual, emotional, intellectual, and imaginational. Gifted children tend to have multiple intensities, although one is usually dominant.﻿﻿

Does your child complain about the seams in his socks? Put her hands over her ears when the movie starts in the movie theater? Have trouble sitting still? Get moved almost to tears by a piece of music or work of art? These are signs of overexcitabilities (OE).

Psychomotor Overexcitabilities

The psychomotor OE is common in gifted children. It is characterized primarily by high levels of energy. Children with this OE seem to constantly be on the move. Even as infants, they need less sleep than other children. As adults, they are able to work long hours without tiring.

Children with this OE also may be misdiagnosed as having attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). But while they can be active, they are quite capable of focused concentration unless they are insufficiently mentally stimulated. The lack of mental stimulation can be a problem for these children in school.

The primary sign of this intensity is a surplus of energy. Characteristics of children with a dominant psychomotor OE may include:﻿﻿

Competitiveness

Compulsive organizing

Compulsive talking

Impulsive behavior

Physical expression of emotions

Preference for fast action and sports

Nervous habits and tics

Rapid speech

Sleeplessness

Sensual Overexcitabilities

The primary sign of this intensity is a heightened awareness of all five senses: sight, smell, taste, touch, and hearing. Children with a dominant sensual OE can get sick from the smell of certain foods or, as toddlers, will hate to walk on grass in their bare feet. The pleasure they get from the tastes and textures of some foods may cause them to overeat.

If your child has sensual OE, you may notice several of these traits:﻿﻿

Appreciation of beauty, whether in writing, music, art or nature, including the love of objects like jewelry

Craving for pleasure

Need or desire for comfort

Sensitivity to pollution

Sensitive to smells, tastes, or textures of foods

Tactile sensitivity (bothered by the feel of some materials on the skin or clothing tags)

Intellectual Overexcitabilities

This intensity is the one most recognized in gifted children. It is characterized by activities of the mind. Children who lead with this intensity seem to be thinking all the time and want answers to deep questions. Sometimes their need for answers will get them in trouble in school when their questioning of the teacher can look like disrespectful challenging. They may exhibit several of these traits:﻿﻿

Analytical thinking

Asking probing questions

Avid reading

Concentration, ability to maintain intellectual effort

Deep curiosity

Independent thinking

Love of knowledge and learning

Love of problem-solving

Theoretical thinking

Imaginational Overexcitabilities

The primary sign of this intensity is the free play of the imagination. Their vivid imaginations can cause them to visualize the worst possibility in any situation. It can keep them from taking chances or getting involved in new situations. You may notice that your child exhibits:﻿﻿

Daydreaming

Detailed visualization

Fear of the unknown

Good sense of humor

Imaginary friends

Love of fantasy

Love of poetry, music, and drama

Magical thinking

Vivid dreams

Emotional Overexcitabilities

The primary sign of this intensity is exceptional emotional sensitivity. Children with strong emotional OE are sometimes mistakenly believed to have bipolar disorder or other emotional problems and disorders. They are often the children about whom people will say, "He's too sensitive for his own good." Your child may show these traits:﻿﻿

Anxiety

Concern for others

Depression

Extremes of emotion

Feelings of guilt and sense of responsibility

Feelings of inadequacy and inferiority

A heightened sense of right and wrong or injustice and hypocrisy

Loneliness

Need for security

Physical response to emotions (stomach aches caused by anxiety, for example)

Problems adjusting to change

Strong memory of feelings

Timidity and shyness

How to Support Your Child

You can get a better understanding of your gifted child if you recognize their intensities which can help you to become a more effective and supportive parent. For example, if your child is emotionally intense, you know that she will have a tough time "just ignoring" teasing or bullying. She may need extra help in managing her reactions to hurtful behavior in others.

These sensitivities are part of a larger theory, the theory of positive disintegration.

By Carol Bainbridge
Carol Bainbridge has provided advice to parents of gifted children for decades, and was a member of the Indiana Association for the Gifted.

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Why Gifted Kids May Are Often Highly Sensitive or Overexcitable

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Learn about the five overexcitabilities that psychologist Kazimierz Dabrowski identified in gifted children, plus find how to recognize them.

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De-Escalating: Helping Gifted Children Identify Their Emotions and Regain Control

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De-Escalating: Helping Gifted Children Identify Their Emotions and Regain Control

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It's the week before winter break. Utter chaos reigns. Every day there is a condensed schedule, an assembly, or other interruptions that distress my anxious, perfectionist, or autistic gifted kids. In the 3.5 minutes before students come pouring into my classroom adorned in ugly sweaters and crazy hats, I receive an email that says: Matthew is crying on the floor uncontrollably because he didn't make math competition. Help.

When I arrive, our behavior interventionist is sitting next to Matthew, trying to calm him but getting nowhere. Sometimes, what we say to a child in crisis harms our relationship with them and prevents them from processing their emotions. Here are some of the unhelpful things I heard:

I know (exactly) how you feel.

I was so upset when I didn't make the math Olympiad team in fifth grade.

Right now, the child needs you to help them sort through their own emotions. They don't need you focused on yourself and how feel. Instead, identify and communicate the child's emotions, not your own. (Not to mention, you might not know what the child is feeling-their view of the situation might not match your own.)

At least you made the team; some kids didn't.

You are trying to gloss over their problem. You are saying the child shouldn't feel upset or frustrated because something good happened. Even if this is true, it's not helpful.

Okay, so what should I say to my student who is sobbing on the floor, unwilling to move or speak to anyone? Start with this:

Now, it's time to implement what I call a "new thinking" strategy. Not every phrase works in every situation or with every child. You have to choose the phrase that fits based on what the child is feeling, be it disappointment, anxiety, nervousness, guilt, etc.

What is the chance that this fear will come true?

Usually, students are focused on the 0.05% chance, rather than the 99.95% chance. They are seeing the worst outcome, rather than the most likely. This helps shake that thinking.

Example: Student gets a cut and is worried it will get infected.

- How many times have you gotten cuts?

- How many have been infected?

- Did you clean the cut?

- So, how likely is it that it will get infected?

So, which phrase should I pick for my student? Well, the "worst case scenario" has kind of already happened for this child. He didn't make the team. So, that eliminates the bottom two phrases, which help more with fear and anxiety. So, let's try one of the top two phrases. Here goes.

this year. It was the only thing that was for me, not my parents., and I needed to be top 8.frustrated with him?there's math team next year.me, so that you feel more confident next year? Me: Matthew, why are you crying? Matthew: I didn't make math competition, and it was the only thing that I wanted
Me: Wow, that sounds really frustrating. I bet you are really disappointed. Matthew: Yes, I can't believe it. I got 15

th(Resist the urge to say: Holy moly! You got 15 Me: Gosh. I'm so sorry. What would you tell your best friend if this happened to Me: Seriously, what would you tell Ben if this happened to him? Would you be
Matthew: No. I don't know. He could probably still go to practices and hang out. And
Me: Okay, so that's great. You can still have all your math club friendships. What if out of 50 gifted students. That's pretty amazing. You should be proud of that.)
we practice the problems you got wrong during your free choice time with
Matthew: Yeah. That'd be good.

A few sentences later, and Matthew is okay. We go to the bathroom, get him cleaned up, and he returns to class in a good mood.

It's not always this easy, but it is so important to hear our gifted kids, communicate their emotions, and then help them learn how to process those emotions and find healthier ways to deal with them. Eventually, students can internalize this process and need us less and less.

I have one student who still carries around a dingy, no-longer-sticky, post-it note with her "new thinking" phrases on it that help calm her anxiety. Her mom says she looks at it daily. What tools will you give your students to help them be healthier, happier, and learn to regulate their emotions?

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De-Escalating: Helping Gifted Children Identify Their Emotions and Regain Control - SENG

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by Sarah Young It's the week before winter break. Utter chaos reigns. Every day there is a condensed schedule, an assembly, or other interruptions that distress my anxious, perfectionist, or autistic gifted kids. In the 3.5 minutes before students come pouring into my classroom adorned in ugly sweaters and crazy hats, I receive an ...

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Building Frustration Tolerance is FRUSTRATING

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Building Frustration Tolerance is FRUSTRATING

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There we were. Me and my chimp . . . . and the ski school director. I understand why she came over. With skis strewn, sobs a wailin', legs sprawled, and gloves littering the bottom of the bunny hill, to the uninformed eye it must have looked like a serious injury. To the trained eye, this was just a young gifted child trying to learn a new skill.

For days I'd been prepping my youngest son to hit the slopes. I knew it would be challenging. Any 5-year-old strapping long, odd boards onto his feet and heading down a hill would be challenged. And, I knew he'd get frustrated. I knew his perfectionist desire to learn things easily would be given a workout. And still, we landed at the bottom of the hill in a frustrated, I'm-giving-up heap.

Gifted kids are often not very good with frustration. They often don't know that learning a new skill is supposed to be frustrating. They wrap their precious identities up with doing well and learning quickly and when that doesn't happen, big massive frustration ensues.

And (she admits with head hung sheepishly while simultaneously mustering up some self-compassion), seeing the complete and utter lack of frustration tolerance might have triggered up a less than patient response from me. Ok, fine. My own frustration tolerance somehow didn't show up on the hill that day, either. Yes, I was frustrated because my child wasn't handling his frustration well. And I handled my frustration by snipping at my son to listen more closely (!), to take a breath (!), to get back up (!) and keep trying (!). JUST HANDLE YOUR FRUSTRATION ALREADY, FIVE-YEAR-OLD!

Yep. My approach worked as well as you can imagine.

And so, more as a reminder to myself than to anyone else, how can we help build up our child's frustration tolerance?

Step 1 - Breathe.

Step 2 - Breathe again.

Step 3 - Remember that it's going to be frustrating.

Step 4 - Take a break.

Step 5 - Breathe again.

Now that you're tolerating your frustration, here's what you do with your child.

Model Effective Frustration Tolerance. Repeat steps 1-5 as long as you need to so you are providing a calm and secure environment. We must first regulate ourselves.

Put Your Child in Frustrating Situations. Kinda impossible to learn to tolerate frustration if we never feel frustrated. Take your kids to do something new. Intentionally give them difficult work. It's easy to want to avoid frustrating situations, but trust me. If we do, we're only teaching our kids to avoid frustration at all cost.

Prepare Them. Let them know that they'll be frustrated. Talk about frustration. Prepare ahead of time the steps they can take to manage it well. Normalize that frustration is an essential part of learning something new.

Teach Them to Breathe. Teach them to take those belly breaths. Their bellies should get bigger as they breathe in and smaller as they breathe out. Practice it together. Rock stuffed animals to sleep on your bellies as you lie next to each other on the floor. Take breathing breaks throughout the day.

Channel Stuart Smalley. Practice affirmative self-talk. I can do it. This is hard, but not impossible. It's ok that this is difficult. I can keep trying.

Get Frustrated! OK - now it's time to actually get frustrated and practice the breathing, the positive self-talk. Remember to do your own steps 1-5. Be encouraging and positive in words and tone. Remind them that they're supposed to be frustrated. Give them specific feedback on what is going well. Validate the frustration. Share the frustration. Take a minute to look around and notice some beauty around you. Take a moment to look back at what they've accomplished so far.

Take a Break. We need time to reset, to re-center, and to relax. Your child probably needs this, too! Tolerating frustration takes a lot of energy. Be sure to take breaks to refill your energy tank and your child's.

Get Back at It. Try again. Rest and return to the frustrating task.

Praise the Process. Don't just praise the new skills being learned, but praise that your child allowed themselves to feel frustrated and managed to move through it.

Reinforce their Lovability and Worth. Gifted kids can get mixed up beliefs about their identities and feelings of conditional worth. Even in the midst of the frustration and thrown gloves, remind them that you love them. Remind them that they are valuable and amazing no matter how good they are at this new skill. Remind them that they are so much bigger and more than their abilities.

Chimp and I aren't still stranded at the bottom of the bunny hill. The ski school director eventually left us alone after she realized her typical tricks just weren't going to work with my intense kid. I followed steps 1-5, calmed myself down, gave him a hug and said, "This is frustrating, huh?" Chimp nod. "Do you know that I love you?" Chimp nod. "Do you know that you're one of my favorites?" Chimp nod. "Will I stop loving you if you can't ski?" Mischievous Chimp grin, followed by a Chimp nod. "What?!" Followed by a bazillion and one kisses and giggles. We gathered our gear. Went in for food and a break. Headed back out for more attempts. Had more frustration intolerance, but ended the day with smiles.

On the drive home, a sleepy Chimp voice asked, "Mom? When can we go skiing again? That was fun!"

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Building Frustration Tolerance is FRUSTRATING!!

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Gifted kids are often not very good with frustration. They often don't know that learning a new skill is supposed to be frustrating. They wrap their precious identities up with doing well and learning quickly and when that doesn't happen, big massive frustration ensues.

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Empowering Our Daughters to Love Math is about More than Numbers

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Empowering Our Daughters to Love Math is about More than Numbers

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The more we can teach our children to embrace and appreciate critical thinking, the better equipped they will be for the future

My six-year-old daughter comes home with a math worksheet to complete every night. Most nights she completes it with relative ease, other nights-not so much. On one particular night, my daughter was asked to complete a number of questions that had to do with "finding doubles." I found out later that there was a fire drill during class, and that there wasn't quite enough time to go over the material on this topic, but she was assigned the homework anyway. It was challenging for her to the point of frustration-and equally challenging for me to see her not feel empowered to take on the task.

My daughter is brilliant. Her homework frustration resonates with me in a particularly tough way because I work at an education technology company, DreamBox Learning, a company that offers an adaptive, online K-8 math program, and this scene is contrary to how many of us in industry envision learning for kids. We see a world where children are fully engaged and in the driver's seat when it comes to their learning, where lessons respond and adapt to children to meet them at the right level, whatever that level might be, not the other way around. As a professional, I am dedicated to ensuring that all children have access to and benefit from this level of personalized learning. As a mother of a young girl, it is imperative that I create an environment for learning and achievement that is engaging, equitable and supportive.

It's no secret that women have lower representation in STEM (science, technology, engineering, and math) degrees and careers, and this should be of concern for everyone. Whether you're a parent or an educator looking to ensure equity for every child or a business professional seeking to establish a smarter, more profitable company, diversity in any field is proven to help. That being said, we should think bigger when it comes to empowering girls to love math. We must focus on the impact math can have on girls' overall critical thinking, confidence, and eventual career paths, no matter their ambition.

So, what can we as parents do right now, for young girls in particular? Here are three ways we can shift the focus of empowerment beyond solving a numerical problem and toward the level of critical thinking that will be required of our children as technology shifts the jobs they will hold.

1. Banish the idea of being "good at math" by focusing less on the right answer and more on the thinking used to get there.

What does it mean to be "good at math"? Does being it mean you scored high on a particular test? Or that you feel confident when it comes to working through numerical problems? One of the best ways to encourage girls to appreciate math more-and become more confident-is to change the way we as parents view being "good at" math.

When I think of how I learned math, there was a lot of rote memorization and tests on certain days to measure progress. In contrast, many of today's classrooms incorporate technology that supports personalized learning, an approach designed to meet the needs of every learner. What's more, some educational technology solutions adapt to meet every student at the right level. In this type of learning environment mistakes are OK because it's about more than getting the right answers-it's about learning the strategies and critical thinking students use to answer questions that will continuously move them forward. While this type of experience might be significantly different from the ways we previously thought about math in school, it's well worth it for parents to better understand it, and how it can help our girls succeed.

2. Connect math to everyday life and appreciation will follow.

According to Jo Boeler, a professor of mathematics education at Stanford University, "[Girls] want to see the connections not only between math and the world and life, but they want to see the connections within math as well." This means going beyond worksheets comprised of endless equations to complete, and instead, taking the time to appreciate math in everyday life.

On your next road trip, estimate how long a mile might be. Take a walk and identify any geometric shapes you see. Or the next time you're making a meal together, invite friends and family over so you have an excuse to double the recipe and talk through the math behind baking. By enlightening your child as to how integrated math is throughout everyday life, she will feel more comfortable working with the numbers and better relate to math problems.

3. Talk to girls about why math matters, regardless of their career ambitions.

We as a society must strive to increase gender diversity in STEM careers. However, as parents, we should also embrace the opportunity to showcase the different ways in which math is used in a variety of other professions.

As a marketing executive, I utilize math every day to manage my advertising budget or forecast how marketing will impact our overall business. A retailer incorporates math to track inventory and sales. A chef applies mathematical thinking to calculate food based on the number of expected diners and the time needed for preparation. Let's encourage more girls to appreciate math in school, and also encourage them to value how math matters in every profession.

So, what happens next?

Ideally, the confidence my daughter and other girls find in solving a math problem carries into any subject they tackle in middle school, high school and college. If she encounters managers or peers who question her in the workplace, maybe she'll remember a time she struggled through a certain mathematical topic and ultimately mastered it by applying the right combination of critical thinking, hard work and determination. I won't always be there to help my daughter when things go wrong, but I can certainly steer her toward the skills and learning experiences that will serve her now and far into the future.
For more, see:
Jennifer Agustin is the vice president of marketing for DreamBox Learning . Building on a writing career that began in the 3 rd grade, Jennifer has since written for outlets including the , and Huffington Post . Find Jennifer on Twitter @ leadjen. Fast Company
Stay in-the-know with all things EdTech and innovations in learning by signing up to receive the weekly Smart Update . This post includes mentions of a Getting Smart partner. For a full list of partners, affiliate organizations and all other disclosures, please see our Partner page

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Empowering Our Daughters to Love Math is about More than Numbers

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By Jennifer Agustin - It's no secret that women have lower representation in STEM degrees and careers, and this should be of concern for everyone. That being said, we should think bigger when it comes to empowering girls to love math.

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How to Raise a Gifted Child without Losing Your Ever-loving Mind

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How to Raise a Gifted Child without Losing Your Ever-loving Mind

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Raising a gifted child can be a perilous, mind-boggling process: constant daydreams. Missed assignments. Obsessions. Questions. Lost sleep. Fortunately, you can launch her with a successful skill set, as long as you have systems in place.
We discovered Sticky was missing at 2:10 in the afternoon. He had come with us on a walk the day before, all seven feet of him used alternately between walking stick, balance beam, and friend. A frantic retracing of steps; a quiet admission of guilt.

Her sister had put him down by the bench at the playground. We had forgotten to bring it home.

'WE HAVE TO GO GET STICKY. NOW!!!"

Buckets of rain poured from the sky. A gust of wind sent a neighbor's trashcan flying. Her sister looked at me, pulled herself up to full height. "We're going up to get Sticky, mom, we'll be back in 10 minutes. Don't try to stop us - we'll be fine."

Of course I stopped them, and of course, there was a great expression of upset. I'll spare you the sordid details, but suffice to say I was convinced to load everyone in the car, drive up to the playground, and retrieve the precious Sticky, who, to our dismay, had been unceremoniously snapped in half.

Cue three hours of tears and various attempts at building a prosthetic limb.

Our afternoon plans went out the window. The kids fought over fault till my husband came home. At 5:30 we sent them down to the basement to clean up before dinner. "I'm worried about her," my husband whispered. "She shouldn't be so emotionally attached to a stick."

"I AM NOT OUT OF MY MIND, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. AND STICKY ISN'T A STICK - HE'S MY FRIEND."

For the past eleven years, my husband and I have been raising gifted and Twice-Exceptional children.

It is not a vocation for the faint of heart. Everything we experience is on overdrive, from emotions to interests to daily life.

Our house is in constant disarray. I have to stand over them to make sure they do school. Bedtime takes hours. Sleep is never uninterrupted. There are two sets of food at every meal.

To the outside observer, my kids might look spoiled. They might look like inconsiderate brats on occasion, too. But the truth is their brains are neurodivergent. For all their intellectual prowess and processing efficiency, they can't brush their hair or tie their shoes.

How to Raise a Gifted Child Without Losing Your Ever-Loving Mind

I'll be honest - the future does worry me. I can't help but look at the way they function now and cower in fear. Will their roommates kick them out because of the gigantic mess they live in? Will they forget to pay their car payment? The rent? I've bought them a boatload of water bottles over the years, each lost to the ether.

Will they grow up and misplace their own kids?

Not if I can help it.

While the daily struggles of raising a gifted a poppy can be enough to make you crazy, it is possible to overcome the difficulties and set them up for future success. What matters most is the coping skills we teach and the systems we encourage. That's the key to raising these kids without losing our ever-loving minds.

The Issue: Sleep

Anecdotal evidence seems to suggest that gifted children need less sleep. They have difficulty shutting off their brains long enough to slip into dreamland, resulting in a variety of bedtime battles and a never ending cycle of crankiness and fatigue. Sleep is integral to emotional and physical well-being, yet we find ourselves unable to achieve it for us or our kids. We're all tired, we're all irritable, and we're all worried - are they going to be like this for the rest of their lives?

The Solution: Flexibility

I don't have a foolproof answer for this. For us, it's been a combination of different things at different times. We've tried sound machines and weighted blankets; we've tried music and gentle massage. We've made space on our floor for our anxious kiddos; our voracious reader has a booklight and a precarious stack of tomes by the bed. Our goal right now is to get us the rest we need however we can get it. As they get older, we start turning those strategies over to the kids.

The Issue: Motivation

One of the most worrisome aspects of gifted parenting is the motivation dichotomy. In our house, this means hours upon hours of building in Minecraft. Ask the oldest to write an essay? I get two sentences, at best. What's going to happen when she heads off to college? Is she going to write that 10-page paper, even though she'd rather be doing research in the field?

The Solution: A Growth Mindset

Gifted kids struggle with motivation for a variety of reasons, whether out of boredom or disinterest or fear. The key is teaching them to develop a growth mindset, where they learn to recognize difficulty as a pathway to success.

While growth mindset ideology has gotten a bad rap lately in gifted circles, Carol Dweck's basic argument is solid. When our children begin to see challenge as a stepping stone instead of a stumbling block, they will be better able to dive into situations that would otherwise cause them to shut down.

The Issue: Executive Function

Executive functioning skills are those processes responsible for accomplishing daily tasks. From basic self-care to organizational skills, executive functioning helps us meet the expectations and responsibilities set upon us by the outside world. This set of mental processes can be difficult for a gifted child. Often, they are so wrapped up in their own thoughts or daydreaming, you might have difficulty just getting them dressed.

The Solution: Visual Schedules and Physical Reminders

Long a tool for children on the autism spectrum, visual schedules take the stress and guesswork out of the daily routine. Our first visual schedule was actually a printout created by our then nine-year-old; she wanted to display a list of tasks she could check off each morning. We've changed our system over the years to rely on this magnetic board.

Physical reminders are helpful also, such as a sand timer to let them know when it's time to log off a game. We use a simple timer on the computer to help our oldest keep track of her time spent building; when it goes off, she finishes up, logs out, and moves on.

The Issue: Sensitivities, Social Skills, and Obsessions

Also referred to as Excitabilities, a gifted child's reaction to the world tend to run on overdrive. Gifted children are more - more intense, more curious, more active - and often, more difficult to entertain and engage. While many of these traits are admirable, they open the door to the possibility of increased emotional distress - gifted individuals report higher rates of anxiety and depression than the general population, up to a full 20%.

The Solution: Creative Outlets and Intellectual Peers

Whether a child is homeschooled or sitting in a classroom all day, a gifted mind needs an outlet for ideas and inspiration. Providing ample opportunities for physical exertion, creative endeavors, and intellectual discovery help feed that desire and ward off feelings of isolation and depression. Additionally, finding intellectual peers for your child will help build social skills and communication patterns.

Parenting is hard. Parenting a gifted child adds a brand new set of challenges.

Someday, our gifted children are going to the leave the nest. How can we ensure a successful launch when it seems like they'll never make it through? The answer lies in strategies, in the systems we put in place every day. When we set our children up with the structure and support they need when they are little, they'll be able to function successfully when they grow up and fly away.
Enjoy this post? Read on, sign up for my gifted/2E newsletter, and throw your hat in the ring for the giveaway below: Growing Up Gifted: Navigating the Real World with a Gifted Child Let Her Lead: Choosing Extracurriculars for Your Gifted Child Why Gifted Kids are Anxious, Plus 4 Ways to Help Them Cope Looking for more insight in raising your gifted child? I'm giving away one copy of my brand new ebook, Gifted and Twice Exceptional Parenting: Practical Advice for Raising, Teaching, and Loving Your Poppy. You can enter here! This post is part of the Gifted Homeschoolers Forum Blog Hop for February: The Light at the End of the Tunnel

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How to Raise a Gifted Child without Losing Your Ever-Loving Mind

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Raising a gifted child can be a perilous, mind-boggling process: constant daydreams. Missed assignments. Obsessions. Questions. Lost sleep. Fortunately, you can launch her with a successful skill set, as long as you have systems in place. We discovered Sticky was missing at 2:10 in the afternoon.

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Why talking — and listening — to your child could be key to brain development

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Why talking — and listening — to your child could be key to brain development

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More than 20 years ago, psychologists Betty Hart and Todd Risley discovered what they called the " 30 million word gap." Through family visits, they estimated that children under 4 from lower-income families heard a staggering 30 million fewer words than children from higher-income families. That study was embraced by Hillary Clinton and it spurred a White House conference on the topic, public service announcement campaigns, and the creation of at least two outreach organizations. The clear message: talk to your babies a lot.

But now a team of scientists from Harvard, the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and the University of Pennsylvania is questioning whether the quantity of words matters much at all. A study they published last month in the journal Psychological Science found that young 4-, 5- and 6-year-olds who engaged in more conversation at home had more brain activity while they were listening to a story and processing language.

"What we found is that the sheer amount of language, the number of adult words, was not related to brain activation or verbal skills," said Rachel Romeo, lead author of the study and a doctoral student at a joint Harvard and MIT program. "But what was related, strongly related, was the amount of back-and-forth conversation between children and adults. We think this research finding suggests, instead of talking at or to your child, you really need to talk with your child to have meaningful brain development and language development."

Romeo's hypothesis is that back-and-forth conversation might actually rewire the brain and cause it to grow. Scientists call this neuroplasticity. But that needs to be tested in a future study that Romeo is planning. All this initial research showed was that kids in the study who experienced more conversation at home had greater brain activity and verbal aptitude. We don't know yet if conversation is really causing those changes in brain development and verbal skill.

In the study, the benefits of conversation were just as strong for low-income children as they were for high-income children. Children who experienced high amounts of conversation scored 12 percent higher on standardized language assessments.

But low-income children tended to experience far less conversation at home, the study documented. Researchers compared a peak hour of conversation for each child. A child in a high-income household had 50 more conversational turns in a single hour than a child in a low-income household. A turn is when an adult speaks and the child responds, or vice versa. A single turn could be as short as this: "Eat." "No!"

The implications of this study are important. Many programs targeted at low-income mothers have emphasized the importance of talking to babies from birth through 3 years old. "Some parents or even educators interpret this to mean, just get the words in, it doesn't matter how, what, or where, just talk, talk, talk," said Romeo. "It's not that the amount doesn't matter. But the engagement, the social exchange, is what seems to be important."

To be sure, Hart and Risley's 30-million-word-gap study never made the point that only quantity was important. They also wrote about the importance of exposing babies to a range of vocabulary and offering more positive, encouraging feedback than negative prohibitions.

Romeo advises parents to ask questions and wait for responses instead of just rattling off shopping lists or narrating the day. Admittedly, engaging in intellectual discourse with a 6-month-old is a challenge. With infants, Romeo suggests exchanging coos or silly faces. For many parents, that might be easier than sustaining an hour of narration.

Conducting a monologue may be annoying (to me, at least) but it certainly isn't harmful. Romeo suspects that the parents who do it are also incidentally engaging in back-and-forth conversation and exposing their children to a lot of vocabulary and grammatical complexity. And that might explain why the parents who talk more tend to produce more verbally skilled children.

Romeo and her colleagues began their study in an MIT laboratory where 36 Boston-area children, ages 4 to 6, were tested to measure their verbal and reasoning skills. Then, each kid entered a brain scanner, which produced MRI images of brain activity while the child listened to audio stories. Afterward, families were sent home with a lightweight digital voice recorder that could fit in the child's pocket and were told to turn it on during the child's waking hours for an entire weekend. Algorithms analyzed the recordings, counting words spoken by adults and conversational turns. The algorithms were able to discern real, live human voices and discard words that the child heard from the television or other devices. If the recorder picked up a caretaker talking on the cellphone, that would be categorized as adult speech and the words counted.

Finally, the researchers compared the children's test scores and brain images in the laboratory with the audio patterns at home. They found for every 11 conversational turns, a child's verbal test score increased by one point. And they saw that the part of the brain involved in language processing lit up more for children who had experienced more conversation at home. The researchers saw no such connections for the number of words spoken.

This is only a small study and it needs to be replicated. We will need more studies to prove that conversation is the key to language development in the brain. But this neuroscience study confirms 2009 research from psychologists who weren't conducting brain scans, and were beginning to discern what kinds of language exposure in early childhood are most important. I was also surprised to learn, in the process of researching this piece, that Hart's and Risley's landmark study wasn't much larger than this one, tracking only 42 kids. It shows how a small study can have a huge impact.

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Why talking - and listening - to your child could be key to brain development - The Hechinger Report

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More than 20 years ago, psychologists Betty Hart and Todd Risley discovered what they called the "30 million word gap." Through family visits, they estimated that children under 4 from lower-income families heard a staggering 30 million fewer words than children from higher-income families.

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A conversation about how to confront anxiety - not accommodate or avoid it

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How to Talk With Kids About Terrible Things

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How to Talk With Kids About Terrible Things

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For the more than 3,000 students at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, Wednesday's mass shooting was terrifying and life-changing. But what of the tens of millions of other children, in schools across the country, who have since heard about what happened and now struggle with their own feelings of fear, confusion and uncertainty?

For their parents and teachers, we've put together a quick primer with help from the National Association of School Psychologists and Melissa Reeves, a former NASP president and co-author of its PREPaRE School Crisis Prevention and Intervention curriculum.
Tune in
First, pay attention. Not just to what kids say, but what they do.

"Watch for clues that [children] may want to talk, such as hovering around while you do the dishes or yard work," NASP recommends. "Some children prefer writing, playing music, or doing an art project as an outlet."

For younger children, drawing or imaginative play can help them give voice to their fear, anxiety and other difficult feelings.

When the conversation starts ...
Emphasize: You are safe
"The cardinal rule when talking about this kind of tragedy with children of all ages," Reeves says, "is for adults to reinforce the safety efforts that their schools and the adults in their lives are already taking to keep them safe."

Be specific, reminding them that's why the school doors are locked all day and why they practice emergency lockdown drills.

Also, remind children and teens that, in spite of the headlines, schools are still the safest place for them to be. Unfortunately, Reeves says, this important message is undermined by relentless media coverage; disturbing news and images of the Parkland shooting have been ubiquitous (more on this later).

In its guidance, NASP offers this reminder: "Although there is no absolute guarantee that something bad will never happen, it is important to understand the difference between the possibility of something happening and probability that it will affect you (our school community)."
Let their questions be your guide
This is especially true for young children, who may know very little about what actually happened but heard something on TV or glimpsed a disturbing photograph online or in the newspaper.

"If students are saying, 'We heard something really bad happened at a school yesterday,' keep it general," Reeves advises.

Ask, "What did you hear?"

If the child says, "Some kids got really hurt," you can respond reassuringly but without unnecessary detail. Reeves suggests something like this:

" 'Yes, some kids did get hurt, and here's what the adults are doing at your school to make sure you stay safe.' "

For older kids who may know more details about the shooting - and that many students were killed - it's important, Reeves says, to acknowledge the tragedy and not make promises that you, as a parent or teacher, can't keep.

Instead of saying, "I'm positive nothing bad will ever happen at your school," walk them through the concrete steps being taken to ensure their safety.
Control, control, control
A school shooting anywhere can make students everywhere feel powerless, and that sense of helplessness can feed anxiety.

"What you want to do is give them a sense of control," Reeves says.

For young students, NASP recommends emphasizing simple examples of adult-led school safety like "exterior doors being locked, child monitoring efforts on the playground, and emergency drills practiced during the school day."

These things should not only help a child feel safer but also give her a sense of agency.

For older students, that list expands to include reporting strangers on campus as well as potential threats made by classmates or members of the immediate community.
Social media
One important risk for parents and teachers to keep in mind comes from teens' exposure to social media. Disturbing photos and videos taken during the Parkland shooting quickly began circulating.

For some teens, Reeves says, engaging with this kind of material can cause what's known as secondary trauma. "Parents must monitor their kids' social media use and give them permission to step away."

As an example, Reeves offers the story of her own daughter who, she says, had been texting back and forth with friends after the school shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, Conn. In that case, they weren't sharing graphic images or news reports - just seemingly harmless messages of grief and support.

But, Reeves says, with every new message coming in, she could sense her daughter's anxiety level rising. And, she says, her daughter resisted turning off her phone for fear that her friends would think she didn't care.

"I find many students, when you explain to them that this can be traumatizing and give them permission to step away, they're very relieved," Reeves says.

Technology has eroded teens' boundaries, Reeves believes, making them want to share everything over social media. Her message to them is clear:

"This is not healthy. This is hurting you, and this could be hurting your friends."
Note: Teachers and parents, how have you navigated difficult conversations about tragedies like the Parkland school shooting? We'd like to hear from you. Send us an email to npred@npr.org.

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How To Talk With Kids About Terrible Things

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For the more than 3,000 students at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, Wednesday's mass shooting was terrifying and life-changing. But what of the tens of millions of other children, in schools across the country, who have since heard about what happened and now struggle with their own feelings of fear, confusion and uncertainty?

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What is this "sleep" think which you speak?

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What is this "sleep" think which you speak?

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You know those parents who gently lift their sleeping child from the car, drape their ragdoll deep-sleeping child over their arms and quietly transfer them, still asleep, into warm and cozy beds? Yeah, I kinda hate them a little. OK. Maybe that's too strong. I am just extremely jealous. Never, ever has that been my experience in 12 years and 3 children of parenting. And it wasn't just that my kids would wake up if I lifted them out of the car, they would often not sleep in the first place!

Sleep has always been an issue in my home. A few of my personal facebook posts from my children's baby days prove this . . .

"With the exception of a couple 5 minute snoozes, my 6-week-old has now been awake for 12 ½ hours and counting. He's happy as can be, I'm old and it's past my bedtime!"

Or

"Argh . . . I have created a stubborn, crib-hating, sleep-defying monster."

Like so many other things for gifted people, sleep patterns tend to be atypical. Many gifted kids and adults just don't need as much sleep as others may. My youngest stopped taking naps at the ripe old age of 1. Sigh.

And add some other different wiring to the mix, as is the case with my twice-exceptional girl, and sleep can become even more elusive. For literally 9 years of my adult life, I rarely experienced the bliss of uninterrupted sleep. Of course, there were the infant years, and then there was my 2e daughter awake and unable to regulate or self soothe back to sleep, and my youngest waking me up in the middle of the night because he wanted to play or snuggle or talk. All with a smile on his face.

But, this mama needs sleep. We'd tried everything. Melatonin. Warm baths. Essential oils. Weighted blankets. White noise. Music. Sleep stories. Massage. Lotion. Special stuffed animals. Living breathing real animals. Short of prescribed sleep meds, we've tried it all. And some things have made sleep a little easier, but there has been 1 approach that has made the biggest difference for us.

While my daughter was in the hospital for an overnight eeg to assess for epilepsy, a sleep doctor met with us. She did many of the basics in terms of problem solving and gave us charts to track for potential sleep patterns. And those were minimally helpful, but then . . . THEN . . . she gave me the best gift ever.

She spent about 5 minutes talking with my daughter about the need for adults to have sleep. They talked about the activities that mom and dad do throughout the day and explored how safe and well those activities get done when mom and dad are tired. She explained the dangers of mom or dad driving sleep deprived and asked my daughter to think about how many times we drive her around during a day. The doctor encouraged my daughter that we'd help her find ways to sleep better, but in the meantime, she needs to let mom and dad sleep. We made a list of all the things she could quietly do in her room if she wakes up in the middle of the night. We made a list of the circumstances that would warrant waking parents.

Prior to that conversation, my daughter was coming into my room at least twice a night, at the age of 7. In the 2 ½ years since that conversation, my daughter has woken me up maybe 10 times, and usually because she was actually sick or scared.

Aside from helping with the overall sleep issues, that doctor gave me a ginormous gift. In the midst of my sleep-deprived hazy thinking, she reminded me that my sleep is just as important as my child's sleep. She alleviated the mom-guilt which kept telling me that I should be able to "fix" my daughter's sleep issues, or at the very least bring her comfort day or night. That doctor helped me prioritize my own self-care and helped my daughter understand the importance of mom's self-care, too.

We've recently had the same conversation with my youngest, who repeatedly sought our attention in the middle of the night, simply because he was happily awake. We considered why mom and dad need sleep and we problem solved together. We listed the quiet activities he could do in his room, and we created a "nest" on the floor in our room. He knows he can come down to his nest any night, but that he needs to move into it quietly and only wake my husband or I if necessary.

I can't say that my kids are sleeping any better. But, my husband and I are. And when we're more well rested, we're better parents and more patient during the day.

So, I give you the gift that sleep doctor gave me . . . it's ok. Give them tools, set the boundaries, and know that it's ok to sleep through your child's sleeplessness.

This post is part of the Hoagies' monthly blog hop. Check out other great sleep ideas across the ages!

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What is this "sleep" thing of which you speak?

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You know those parents who gently lift their sleeping child from the car, drape their ragdoll deep-sleeping child over their arms and quietly transfer them, still asleep, into warm and cozy beds? Yeah, I kinda hate them a little. OK. Maybe that's too strong. I am just extremely jealous. Never,

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A tale of 2 twice-exceptional learners, 30 years apart

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A tale of 2 twice-exceptional learners, 30 years apart

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Some years ago, my husband, Dr. Neil Winebrenner, was a superintendent of a school district in suburban Chicago. He knew of all my work in gifted education, and he was prepared to meet an unusual family.

A mom and dad made an appointment to ask for his help in creating a custom school program for their very gifted son, Kurt, who was in fourth grade. They described a child who was extremely capable in almost all subject areas.

However, he was significantly disorganized in his head and often failed to turn in work he had completed and then "lost." He kept telling them that the work for which he was being held responsible was way too easy, and it was difficult for him to retain his interest in it.

They were asking for a double-promotion to sixth grade for the following year so he could begin his middle school experience early.

After a complete assessment by the school psychologist, the parents' perceptions were confirmed. He had IQ in the very superior range, along with achievement test results that were significantly ahead of grade-level expectations. His undocumented executive functioning problems had kept him from being identified as gifted at any grade level he had already completed.

A multi-year plan was developed, and the boy started the next year of school as a sixth-grader. The middle school staff also recognized his exceptional abilities and ultimately recommended that he skip 8th grade, thus allowing him to begin high school at age 12.

As anticipated, he graduated high school at age 15, and took classes at a local community college until he was ready to go to a university. His mental health stayed strong throughout these experiences.

The parents contacted came in for a follow-up meeting with the superintendent as the boy was entering high school, and told him that Kurt's two older brothers, who were just like their younger brother, had never been diagnosed as gifted, but had been identified as LD. Neither boy ever graduated from high school nor found a job that fit his interests or learning needs.

I cried when I heard that story.

Fast-forward some 30 years, and listen to a story from a webinar meeting I had with two administrators and two teachers in Alexandria, Indiana. The subject of our online meetings was how to create and implement a successful Cluster Grouping Program.

The Schoolwide Cluster Grouping Model (SCGM), as described in " The Cluster Grouping Handbook," creates cluster groups of gifted students at all grade levels, which purposefully includes students who are "atypically gifted" - highly capable in some areas but with an identifiable learning disability or with a history of failure in school.

Until very recently, such students were rarely included in gifted education programming at their schools.

I recently received the following letter from the administrator who reached out to me for the webinar. It is included below with her permission.

The benefits of placing 2e students in a gifted cluster class

This particular young man was on the autism spectrum and also extremely gifted - especially in math. He had a photographic memory for words and spelling. He would refuse class work that involved any form of writing or coloring. He would crawl under tables, yell at teachers and get aggressive, and leave the classroom whenever he felt like it.

He was unmotivated by "reward" items or positive attention. He refused to do any work sent home as he "saw no purpose in it." Although his test results were in the gifted range, the school and the parents thought the high-ability class would be too unstructured for him to handle due to his autism.

After two years of no improvement in work refusal or behavior (though he continued to excel academically during assessments with his accommodations), we all finally conceded that the only thing we had not tried was to put him in the high-ability class. So we placed him in a high-ability class for 3rd and 4th graders (split grade, but all gifted).

In that setting, the teacher compacted the curriculum for him and others and he was able to test out of the entire 3rd grade curriculum, except for a few math standards to which he had not yet been exposed. He was able to join many of the 4th graders in the class for their instruction in language arts and math. Inappropriate behaviors didn't gradually go away, they just actually stopped!

His teacher provided extension activities related to robotics and engineering that the student loved, and he even started writing on the computer to gain access to preferred materials and activities.

He is now in 8th grade and is in all advanced classes. He is well-behaved, mature, and polite. Refusal doesn't even come up. Mom doesn't fight with him about homework. He still struggles with group activities as he would much prefer to work alone, and he has just a few close friends, but he is happy and is now thinking about what career is in his future.

Access to gifted education strategies completely changed his life (and ours too as his teachers and parents). Our school learned a valuable lesson through this young man. High ability strategies can work for all kids and providing the best possible learning environment for any student can bring miraculous changes.

Here's the good news. A wonderful book has just been released, titled, " Twice Exceptional: Supporting and Educating Bright and Creative Students with Learning Difficulties," edited by Scott Barry Kaufman.

Chapters written by experts in the field give readers all they need to know to not only recognize, but successfully parent and teach, twice exceptional learners. Thirty years has made a big difference in what we know about how to nurture and educate these unusual students.

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MultiBrief: A tale of 2 twice-exceptional learners, 30 years apart

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Some years ago, my husband, Dr. Neil Winebrenner, was a superintendent of a school district in suburban Chicago. He knew of all my work in gifted education, and he was prepared to meet a very unusual family.

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by Thomas P Hebert, Ph.D.

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How Parents Can Help Lids Navigate the Pressures of Their Digital Lives

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How Parents Can Help Lids Navigate the Pressures of Their Digital Lives

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As adults witness the rising tides of teenaged anxiety, it's tough not to notice a common thread that runs through the epidemic - something that past generations never dealt with. Clutched in the hand of nearly every teen is a smartphone, buzzing and beeping and blinking with social media notifications.

Parents, all too often, just want to grab their teen's phone and stuff it in a drawer. But is social media and the omnipresence of digital interactions really the cause of all this anxiety?

The short answer is: It's complicated.

Recent studies have noted a significant uptick in depression and suicidal thoughts over the past several years for teens, especially those who spend multiple hours a day using screens, and especially girls. But many of the pressures teenagers feel from social media are actually consistent with developmentally normal concerns around social standing and self-expression. Social media can certainly exacerbate these anxieties, but for parents to truly help their children cope, they should avoid making a blanket condemnation. Instead, parents should tailor their approach to the individual, learning where a particular child's stressors lie and how that child can best gain control of this alluring, powerful way to connect with peers.
A Link Between Social Media and Mental Health Concerns
Many experts have described a rise in sleeplessness, loneliness, worry, and dependence among teenagers - a rise that coincides with the release of the first iPhone 10 years ago. One study found that 48 percent of teens who spend five hours per day on an electronic device have at least one suicide risk factor, compared to 33 percent of teens who spend two hours a day on an electronic device. We've all heard anecdotes, too, of teens being reduced to tears from the constant communication and comparisons that social media invites.

Through likes and follows, teens are "getting actual data on how much people like them and their appearance," says Lindsey Giller, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute who specializes in youth and young adults with mood disorders. "And you're not having any break from that technology." She's seen teens with anxiety, poor self-esteem, insecurity, and sadness attributed, at least in part, to constant social media use.
Teenage Challenges and Stressors, Exacerbated
But the connection between anxiety and social media might not be simple, or purely negative. Correlation does not equal causation; it may be that depression and anxiety lead to more social media use, for example, rather than the other way around. There could also be an unknown third variable - for instance, academic pressures or economic concerns - connecting them, or teens could simply be more likely to admit to mental health concerns now than they were in previous generations.

It's also important to remember that teens experience social media in a wide range of ways. The ability to raise awareness, connect with people across the world, and share moments of beauty can be empowering and uplifting for some. And many teens understand that the images they see are curated snapshots, not real-life indicators, and are less likely to let those posts make them feel insecure about their own lives.

Above all, says researcher Emily Weinstein, who studies teens and their social media habits, parents need to keep in mind that it's probably not just social media that's making their teens anxious - it's the normal social stressors that these platforms facilitate, albeit at a different size and scale.

"So many of the behaviors we're talking about have pre-digital corollaries," says Weinstein, a postdoctoral fellow at the Harvard Graduate School of Education. "They're the same sort of developmental challenges that adolescents have grappled with for decades, though now they're taking place in different spaces that can certainly amplify them and shift their quality, quantity, and scale."

"But the idea of wanting to fit in, the critical importance of peer relationships, and the process of figuring out which version of yourself you want to be and how you want to express that identity to others - those features of adolescence are not new."

What's Triggering about Social Media?

Youth and technology expert Amanda Lenhart's 2015 Pew study of teens, technology, and friendships reveals a range of social media-induced stressors:

Seeing people posting about events to which you haven't been invited

Feeling pressure to post positive and attractive content about yourself

Feeling pressure to get comments and likes on your posts

Having someone post things about you that you cannot change or control

In analyses of thousands of adolescents' reactions to digital stressors, Weinstein and her colleagues have found even more challenges:

Feeling replaceable: If you don't respond to a best friend's picture quickly or effusively enough, will she find a better friend?

Too much communication: A boyfriend or girlfriend wants you to be texting far more often than you're comfortable with.

Digital "FOMO": If you're not up-to-date on the latest social media posts, will it prevent you from feeling like you can participate in real-life conversations at school the next day?

Attachment to actual devices: If your phone is out of reach, will your privacy be invaded? Will you miss a message from a friend when he needs you?

For Parents, Strategies on Mitigating Anxiety - Without Overreacting
With so many different stressors, a key piece of advice for parents is to individualize your approach. In the same way that different teenagers need different types of social support from their parents, they need different types of digital support, as well. Weinstein suggests that if your teen seems irritable or overwhelmed by social media, pay attention to what specifically is causing those feelings.

Giller agrees. "Really check in with your teen about what's going on," she says. Parents can and should help support and problem-solve with their teen, but they should also offer validation about how difficult these situations can be.

Relatedly, don't just take your teen's phone away if you suspect drama. Doing so won't get to the heart of the social issue at play - and it could potentially make your teen more upset by separating her from her friends and other aspects of digital media she enjoys.

However, as a family, you can also set screen-free times - whether it's every evening after 9 p.m., on the car ride to school, an occasional screen-free weekend, or longer stretches over vacations and camps. "Many teens say they appreciate" these chances, says education writer Anya Kamenetz, whose upcoming book The Art of Screen Time: How Your Family Can Balance Digital Media and Real Life explores these issues in-depth.

A significant part of your teen's phone habits may be related to her parents, too. "Be good role models in your own use of tech," advises Kamenetz. That means being mindful of your own distracted habit of reaching for your cell, but it also means rejecting the isolation that screen time can generate. Make digital media an opportunity for real-life social opportunities, she says. Share some media activities with your teenager - playing games, watching YouTube clips, or reading up on mutual interests together.

And in most situations, it's best to work with your teen to set social media expectations. "You want to build consensus and get their buy-in," says Kamenetz. Constant surveillance or control won't build trust. Make it an open, mutual discussion.

You want to get teens to put their devices down on their own, says Weinstein, "so that you're helping them build their ability to manage their interactions with and through technology." And that's increasingly looking like a key life skill that we'll all need to develop, now and into the future.
Leah Shafer is a staff writer for Usable Knowledge, which translates education research and well-tested practices so they're accessible to practitioners, policymakers, and parents. Usable Knowledge is based at the Harvard Graduate School of Education.
How Parents Can Help Kids Navigate the Pressures of Their Digital Lives

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How Parents Can Help Kids Navigate the Pressures of Their Digital Lives

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In the same way that different teenagers need different types of social support from their parents, they need different types of digital support, as well. If your teen seems irritable or overwhelmed by social media, pay attention to what specifically is causing those feelings.

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Where Ignorance is bliss, 'Tis Folly to be Wise?

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Where Ignorance is bliss, 'Tis Folly to be Wise?

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Ignorance is bliss. I've come across this snippet of a quote through the years without more than a few seconds of consideration to its true meaning or origin, I simply thought it referred to those who know less and are probably happier for kn

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Uniquely Gifted - Resources for Gifted/Special Needs Children

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Online resources for families with gifted/special needs children (including learning disabilities, ADHD, Asperger Syndrome, etc.)

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National Association for Gifted Children

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National Association for Gifted Children

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Teaching Students to Give and Receive Meaningful Feedback

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Teaching Students to Give and Receive Meaningful Feedback

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The "all things gifted" page

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Gifted Development Center - Embracing Giftedness

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Gifted Development Center - Embracing Giftedness

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Gifted Development Center | Embracing Giftedness

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Did you know Sherlock Holmes' traits show amazing similarities to our current conception of gifted individuals? Do you know how important the inner experience of giftedness can be in understanding oneself or how race, dyslexia, and giftedness intersect?

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9 challenges facing gifted children (and how you can help!)

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9 challenges facing gifted children (and how you can help!)

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If You Have a Gifted Child, Here Are the Problems That Could Arise

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Has your gifted child been struggling with some social, emotional, or academic issues lately? Giftedness comes with a surprising set of problems, ranging from perfectionism to friendship issues. Learn about common challenges and how parents can help.

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Davidson Institute for Talent Development - Profoundly Gifted Children Services and Programs

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The Davidson Institute's mission is to recognize, nurture and support profoundly intelligent young people and to provide opportunities for them to develop their talents to make a positive difference.

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Spend a few minutes with Yasha Broderick and Yale Richardson and you'll quickly be shaking your head in amazement.

Information and insights spill from them in rapid, articulate sentences. So does typical, delightful middle-school humor. They have a lot in common, particularly a love of all things science and technology. But they share something else. Yasha, 12, and Yale, 13, are what experts describe as "twice exceptional," or 2E.

These boys rank in the top 1 percent of all students when it comes to intellectual ability. Absorbing information comes easily to them. Both perform well above the eighth-grade level in most academic subjects.

But their extraordinary intellectual capacity comes with a flip side: twice exceptional means that they also face extraordinary challenges.

Yale's predominant challenges are visible to anyone. Born with cerebral palsy, he wears braces on his legs and uses a walker to skillfully navigate the hallways at The Jones-Gordon School (formerly On-Track Academy) in Scottsdale. He came to the school a couple of years ago, after tough experiences elsewhere.

"I used to get slammed on-bullied all the time," says Yale. "People used to look at me weird [or] said, 'At least I can walk!' to me."

Still, he is philosophical: "Human beings can be evil sometimes. Think about what happened in World War II. Think about Stalin...Genghis Khan."

At The Jones-Gordon School, a private school serving diverse learners, Yale has found friendship, acceptance and an individualized educational environment that works for him.

Except for math. "Math is the pure epitomy of awfulness," he says, grinning at Principal Elizabeth Westerfield, MS, EdD, who was his math teacher last year. There's that middle-school humor.

Yasha's attention challenges are not so visible, but his capacity for empathy certainly is. "If mental disabilities were visible, Yale would not be the one getting picked on at all," he says quietly.

And there's that unbelievable insight.

The challenges of being 2E

Dana Herzberg, MEd, founder and head of school at The Jones-Gordon School, became interested in twice exceptionality during her master's degree program at Arizona State University. She was working with a student who had a 130 IQ but couldn't read.

"His teachers wanted him to have accommodations so he didn't have to read the textbooks," she says. "But he was a sponge. He wanted to learn everything. He didn't want it watered down for him. The challenge was how to continue his gift."

Herzberg put together a plan that encompassed the disability and the gift-and focused her studies on the concept of twice exceptionality.

"People don't realize the challenges that come with a 2E diagnosis," she says. "Being gifted is not easy. There are self-esteem issues. There is being appropriately challenged. There is finding highly qualified educators who understand the executive functioning and other challenges that often come along with it. You need teachers who understand that these kids are not going to do busy work. They won't comply with that."

As an educator, she says, "You see the frustration." Bright kids wonder why others don't understand when something like reading or math is hard for them. Parents may tend toward impatience: "You're so smart! Why can't you get it?"

Sometimes, when Herzberg is with other families at a playground, she hears parents saying things like, "Oh, my gosh-my child is so gifted!"

"I sit on the sidelines thinking, 'Oh, my gosh-for your sake, I hope not!'"

Misdiagnosed and misunderstood

Walk into the waiting area at Beljan Psychological Services in Scottsdale and you'll meet the most popular member of the team: Puka. The gentle Labrador Retriever brings a quick smile to those who visit.

Puka belongs to neuropsychologist Paul Beljan, PsyD, who wants the children he and his colleagues work with to know that they are in a safe and caring environment where grownups "get" them. That feeling is rare for 2E kids, who often go misdiagnosed and misunderstood.

"People think 'You're smart, you can solve your own problems.' Or 'You're smart, you should know better.' And that's a huge fallacy," Beljan says.

Learning disabilities are just as likely to occur in the gifted population as in the non-gifted population, he says. The problem is that "discrepancy models" used to determine eligibility for special education services do not account for giftedness.

Testing models recognize a problem only when a child's academic performance ranks one to one-and-a-half standard deviations below IQ. (A "standard deviation" is 15 points.) So a child with a mean IQ of 100 but academic performance ranking in the 77th percentile or lower would be flagged for further assessment. The child could have a learning disability that qualifies for special education intervention.

But what if that child's IQ was much higher than the mean?

Beljan says he has seen kids with IQs as high as 140 but academic scores ranking near 100-almost three standard deviations lower. "And the school would say, 'You're fine. You have a 140 IQ, your academics are average. We have kids with real problems.' But they're not looking at it relative to that child," for whom a 40-point discrepancy is significant.

Compounding that tendency is the fact that gifted children can often beat the system, says Beljan. "If you're gifted, you frequently can compensate somewhat with the IQ, even inadvertently, and you're going to score in a way that you beat the discrepancy model." A significant learning disability could go undetected.

And then there is the risk of misdiagnosis: "A lot of behaviors that are normal for gifted kids look disordered in the regular population if you're not aware the child is gifted or don't know anything about giftedness," Beljan says. That opens the possibility that children are being treated-and even medicated-for mental health disabilities they do not have.

Beljan talks about "a really stellar gifted teacher" he knows. "She will tell you that all day, every day, in her gifted class it's mad, sad, glad, crying, happy, goofy, upset-it's everything-with intensity. You take a child like that to an uninformed psychiatrist and say, 'All day this child is happy, sad, mad, scared, crying, goofy...' 'Well, that sounds like bipolar disorder. I guess we should put that child on medication.'"

"If you put that child on medication meant for bipolar disorder, you're going to flatten those behaviors out and then you're going to get self-confirming bias that you accurately diagnosed bipolar [disorder], gave appropriate medications and the behavior stopped-so you were right," says Beljan. "And that's really dangerous because you've changed the trajectory of that child's life."

Beljan gives another example: "If I'm really into Iowa prairie grass and I have to know everything about Iowa prairie grass and it's on my mind all the time, it's easy to say, 'Well, he has Asperger syndrome. He's hyperfocused on one thing and that's all he talks about. Well, Einstein was hyperfocused on light all his life and that's all he talked about, but he sure as heck wasn't Asperger's or autistic.

"If a 5-year-old loves to line up his cars then mix them up and line them up again in a different way-size, color, shape, tires, whatever-is that autistic? Or is it a child who is really into categories and developing that skill?"

Think about it this way, Beljan suggests: "Any surgeon or engineer is going to have OCD [obsessive-compulsive disorder] tendencies. It's the nature of the job-you need to be that way [hyperfocused on details] to do that job, to be good at that job. Does it mean you have OCD? Not necessarily. Does it mean you could have it? Yeah, but you've got to look at that in a very detailed way to figure it out."

"There are normal ways of being for these [gifted] children that look abnormal," Beljan says. "If you are hardwired to experience learning like eating, you're going to be pretty driven innately. For a 5-year-old, that can look pretty OCD. But it doesn't mean it's OCD."

In other children, significant learning and/or mental health issues can disguise giftedness. A national organization, Supporting the Emotional Needs of the Gifted (SENG), recently launched a Misdiagnosis Initiative designed to help educate parents and health care professionals about the risks of misdiagnosis and how to avoid them.

"Most professionals, psychologists included, don't know about giftedness," Beljan says. "I know neuropsychologists who will pooh-pooh the concept of high IQ having anything at all to do with personality. My argument is that there are certain [behaviors] that are perfectly normal for kids with a very low IQ that are not necessarily pathological but just the way they are. The same thing would be true of someone with a really high IQ."

Twenty-two years ago, when Beljan was completing his doctoral studies, there was only one doctoral-level graduate course in giftedness in the entire country. It was taught by James T. Webb, PhD, at Wright State University in Ohio, where Beljan received his degree. Webb went on to found Great Potential Press, which publishes a catalog of books about giftedness, including one he co-authored with Beljan and four other colleagues: "Misdiagnosis and Dual Diagnoses of Gifted Children and Adults: ADHD, Bipolar, OCD, Depression, and Other Disorders."

Beljan and members of his diagnosis and treatment staff are frequently out in the community giving talks to build awareness about giftedness among parents and other professionals.

"High IQ doesn't make you immune from a learning disability, but it is going to manifest a bit differently and it's a lot trickier to pick it up," he says. "I believe, and a lot of my colleagues believe, that you don't do checklist testing, you don't simply do observation and make a diagnosis. You always do standardized testing. And anybody doing that testing needs to be well versed in what it is to be gifted."

It's also important to do a qualitative analysis that examines "the backdrop of how that child is being raised, the consistency in how they're being raised, the routines, the belief systems of the parents-all sorts of things factor into who that child is," says Beljan. "Neuropsychology is the 'surgery' of psychology. We're making huge decisions about the lives of these children. We have to get it right."

The parenting challenge

It takes "a posse of people" to adequately support a 2E child, Herzberg says. Many 2E kids lack maturity and social skills. Self-esteem can seesaw between the self-doubt of extreme frustration and a seeming arrogance fueled by constant reminders about how smart they are.

Most 2E kids struggle with executive functioning issues-difficulty planning and organizing tasks-that are often confused with attention deficits. And no two 2E kids are alike, meaning that most need an individualized curriculum pairing interventions for disabilities with academic work appropriate to their required level of challenge and advancement.

"And you need to help parents," Herzberg says. "These are kids who don't do homework, who fight you, who give you a run for your money when it comes to homework-'This is boring, busy work, dumb, unimportant, why do I need to do this?' Parents need support. They agonize, but they don't know what to do.

"Parents are struggling. Anyone who tells you it's not hard is lying. These kids are going to win 'speech and debate' wars every time. There is a debate for everything, an excuse for everything. They're very complex."

Herzberg stresses that having academic ability alone is not a free pass. "Bright people are not more successful than kids who work really hard. Raising a gifted child is equally as hard as raising a special needs child-and having a 2E child is double that."

Disabilities that can pair with giftedness

Anxiety

ADD/ADHD

Autism

Dyscalculia

Dyslexia

Dysgraphia

Executive functioning differences

Sensory/perception differences

More articles about learning differences.
Tags: Arizona, Beljan Psychological Services Scottsdale, executive functioning, gifted, gifted and learning disabled, giftedness, IQ, kids, neuropsychologist, Parents Education Network, Scottdale Center for the Performing Arts, Scottsdale, special needs, The Jones-Gordon School, twice exceptional

◀ Transition expo looks ahead for children on the autism spectrum || 2E movie - a special screening for parents ▶

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Spend a few minutes with Yasha Broderick and Yale Richardson and you'll quickly be shaking your head in amazement. Information and insights spill from them in rapid, articulate sentences. So does typical, delightful middle-school humor. They have a lot in common, particularly a love of all things science and technology.

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Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted (SENG)

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Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted (SENG)

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Learn more about SENG's history, founder, programs, people, and more.

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Getting Your Gifted Boy Through Middle School

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Getting Your Gifted Boy Through Middle School

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Middle school - that time warp most of us would like to forget!

But if you have a gifted middle school boy, it is critical to stay attuned to the pitfalls and challenges that might derail his adjustment and safe passage into adolescence.

They also are disciplined more often, are more frequently We know that many boys are not "built" for school - at least for those traditional classrooms where they are expected to sit still and be silent. They don't like school. They roughhouse, squirm in their seats, and want to play. They are typically less socially mature than girls and more likely to express negative emotions such as anger. brain differences diagnosed with ADHD and learning disabilities, and are more likely to receive lower grades and drop out of school. Their organizational, verbal and attentional skills lag behind those of their female peers. While may account for some of these distinctions between the genders, it does not mean that their behaviors are abnormal or problematic - they just don't fit what is expected of them in most schools.

Gurian and Stevens have described how girls and boys learn differently. And while some teachers accommodate these differences, many also feel overwhelmed by "boy energy." Author Jessica Lahey described this dilemma in the classroom:

"While I love teaching boys, many of my colleagues do not, particularly during the hormone-soaked, energetic and distracted middle-and high-school years. Teachers and school administrators lament that boys are too fidgety, too hyperactive, too disruptive, derailing the educational process for everyone while sabotaging their own intellectual development.

Peek into most American classrooms and you will see desks in rows, teachers pleading with students to stay in their seats and refrain from talking to their neighbors. Marks for good behavior are rewarded to the students who are proficient at sitting still for long periods of time. Many boys do not have this skill."

Why is middle school so difficult?

Ideally, middle school should usher in a period of self-discovery, personal and academic growth, and identity formation, rather than a time that must be endured. But it is more typically a difficult phase for most students, who struggle with peer pressure, hormonal swings, and ambivalence about their newfound independence from family.

Most gifted middle school children face similar struggles, often compounded by gifted "traits," such as heightened sensitivity, introversion, a preoccupation with fairness and justice, overthinking, perfectionism, asynchronous development, and the emergence of existential depression. These may be coupled with a nagging sense of boredom and disconnection with school - both academically and socially. This perfect storm of personal, social and school-related distress can affect their identity, confidence, motivation, and how they will approach school in the future.

What happens for gifted boys in middle school?

Gifted boys often arrive at middle school with a mixed track record. Some boast a transcript filled with good grades (although this sometimes belies a history of coasting through school and never quite reaching their potential). Others sport a spotty record, marked by underachievement, inattention, boredom, and frustration. Some have endured social isolation or bullying because of their "differences." Still others may have felt relatively confident, but then struggle when confronted with middle school social pressure to "toughen up" and adapt to messages from a sexualized, hyper-masculinized culture.

What are some of the potential pitfalls gifted middle school boys face - and how can you help them?

1. Peer pressure

Gifted girls certainly struggle with peer pressure related to cultural norms and expectations. But gifted boys also feel pressure to adapt to societal views of masculinity and sexuality. Those gifted boys who lack social agility, athletic talent, or strong leadership skills are especially at risk for social isolation, rejection from peers, or bullying. Asynchronous development can complicate matters, particularly when a child is chronologically younger than his age peers due to full-grade acceleration. Those with "nerdy" interests - robotics, chess, science, classical music, theater - can be targets for bullying, or at the very least, exclusion from most social circles.

While some boys feel confident enough to weather these challenges, many mask their abilities, hide their less-than-popular interests, and "dumb themselves down" to fit in. They downplay any appearance of intellectual curiosity, hide their successes from peers, or may actually perform well beneath their abilities to prove that they are just like everyone else.

What you can do:

Help your gifted child find a group of like-minded peers, a niche he can belong to, and extra-curricular activities that ignite his passions and introduce him to others with similar interests. The more peers he finds who "get him," the stronger he will feel in the face of mounting pressure from the majority of students at school.

If he is athletic, encourage involvement in sports. They are a great outlet, confidence-booster, and can offset some of the pressure and stereotyping about giftedness that he might encounter at school.

Encourage participation in social activities, but don't force him to attend an event he is not prepared for and that might increase his anxiety, like a school dance.

Provide guidance and suggestions for navigating social demands at school - when he is open to listening.

Advocate for ability grouping or clustering at school, which will improve his in-class experience and allow him to spend time with like-minded peers who "get" his way of thinking.

2. Sensitivity

Gifted children may beemotionally excitable and experience heightened sensitivity. Some gifted boys are highly sensitive to emotions, others' feelings, sensory input, conflicts, and injustices in the world around them. This sensitivity conflicts with society's template of the rough and tumble boy who can take his nicks and bruises.

The media, society and our culture are guilty of perpetuating these stereotypes. From an early age, boys are persuaded to emulate the strong, silent, rugged images portrayed in film, sports and video games. They learn that "real men" are risk-takers who challenge their bodies, are self-sufficient, never show fear, and don't back down from a fight. Warmth, kindness, creative and artistic expression, and displays of emotion are unacceptable, and even viewed as effeminate. Mark Greene recently highlighted how empathetic and compassionate men are portrayed as "delicately aware" or "easily hurt." He pointed out that:

"We are very close to pathologizing emotional awareness in men... But emotionally distant men are a product of their environment, not a genetic inevitability. Why emotionally distant men get to be the baseline against which "sensitive men" are judged needs to be reexamined."

As a result of these pervasive messages, sensitive, gifted middle school boys not only learn to mask their intellectual abilities, but their sensitive, emotional nature as well. This "double life" as a tough guy, at a time when emotions, hormonal swings and identity formation are already in an upheaval, can create even more uncertainty and distress. Those who are unwilling or unable to hide their sensitivities resign themselves to potential ridicule and bullying. Sometimes introverted gifted boys are even mislabeled or misdiagnosed because of their social differences.

What you can do:

Provide acceptance and normalize your son's sensitive nature. Help him recognize that although his feelings and reactions may differ from societal stereotypes or what seems to be the norm at school, point out that many boys feel the same way, but also mask their emotions.

Encourage him to stand up to peers when necessary, but also select friends who are accepting and supportive.

Help him appreciate that his sensitivity is just one aspect of who he is, that it offers a window into greater understanding of himself and others, and that there are tools for managing these emotions when they get overwhelming.

Encourage healthy outlets for his sensitivity, such as creative expression or volunteer work to help those less fortunate.

Support involvement in activities that bolster his strength, provide a healthy balance to his sensitivity, and support his burgeoning sense of masculinity. For example, participation in non-contact sports, involvement in healthy forms of competition such as the debate team, and taking on a leadership role with an extra-curricular activity are all character and strength-building activities.

3. Underachievement

Gifted children can lose their passion for learning, scale back their efforts, coast through school or give up completely at any stage in their academic career. But they seem most at risk for underachievement during middle school. And a much higher percentage of gifted underachievers are boys. While there are many identified triggers and causes of underachievement among the gifted, middle school often provides the perfect storm, as gifted boys conform to peer pressure, become more observant and critical of their education, and respond to an accumulation of apathy and disrespect for a school system that has ignored their needs for years. Some gifted boys who have coasted through elementary school with little effort may become frustrated with the increased academic demands of middle school, or might be surprised to struggle with some assignments for the first time. If they never learned study skills, or previously confronted and rebounded from failure, any academic difficulty may be perceived as an affront to their identity, and some may retreat completely rather than risk trying and failing.

What you can do:

Recognize the signs of underachievement before they escalate. Boredom, apathy, complaints about wasting time at school, disrespect for teachers or the school, and disinterest in learning are clear signs. But it can be more subtle for some children, who are selective consumers (choosing to exert effort only for subjects they enjoy of with teachers they respect), or underachievers under-the-radar (seemingly successful students who are never challenged and fail to reach their potential).

If there are family conflicts or personal traits your child exhibits (e.g., perfectionism) that are contributing to the inertia, these need to be addressed.

Many of the triggers may be entrenched in the social and academic culture at school. You can help your child by encouraging him to find his passions, identify what is meaningful - even in a class he does not enjoy. Help him retain his intrinsic love of learning through involvement in extra-curricular activities that he enjoys.

Advocate early and often. Addressing underachievement before it becomes a habitual pattern is the best strategy. Gifted children learn best alongside like-minded peers and in an atmosphere where they can express their curiosity and creativity. While some parents opt for homeschooling or private education, public schools are the available choice for the majority of families. Advocate for acceleration, ability grouping, clustering or other accommodations that may spark his interest.

4. Identity formation and existential depression

The middle school years hasten a burgeoning drive toward identity formation, often seen as a primary task of adolescence. While some young teens manage their new sense of self by readily adapting to social norms or identifying with pop idols, gifted children are often more discriminating (and some might say, cynical), and tend to question everything. They challenge their family's beliefs, the school culture, political and social norms, and even their own previous views. Many abandon their family's religious affiliations, and question life's meaning.

Along with this newfound independence and exploration of values, some gifted children become apathetic, disillusioned and plunge into an existential depression. James Webb has noted how gifted children's idealism and intellectual abilities predispose them to this awareness:

"The gifted become depressed particularly because their high intellect allows them to contemplate the cosmos and their very small place within it."

Gifted boys, in particular, may feel torn between an adherence to traditional male values and their sensitivity to the world around them. Any form of hypocrisy, unfairness, or deception is almost impossible for them to tolerate. When this occurs at school, they may feel despair, and lose all investment in participation.

What you can do:

Gifted boys may struggle in silence, particularly if they adhere to social norms regarding masculine expression of emotion. However, if you sense that your child is depressed, apathetic, or struggling to assert his sense of self in the face of peer pressure, encourage him to speak with you.

If he is angry or distressed about what he perceives as inequity or hypocrisy at school, allow him to express his concerns - without minimizing or escalating his views (e.g., avoid comments, such as "yeah, those teachers are all incompetent."). Suggest healthy outlets for his anger, such as participation in volunteer activities.

If he feels isolated because he wants to retain his true identify and avoid conforming to social pressure, help him find niche or extra-curricular interests where he can spend time with like-minded peers.

Let him know that you are there for him as he traverses this phase of exploration and discovery, and that sometimes, people feel depressed before they bounce back. If his depression persists, though, it is often essential to seek therapy with a licensed mental health professional.

Parenting

Of course, parenting a middle school child can be stressful as well. Boys, in particular, tend to retreat, spend time in their rooms, and are reluctant to communicate about their thoughts and feelings. Boisterous, loving, expressive little boys turn into sullen young teens, and after the initial shock, parents are left to grieve this loss. But gifted boys - all boys - still need their parents' involvement, even when they are dismissive and try to push parents away. Keep a watchful eye, remain enthusiastic and involved, and provide your empathy and support when your son offers that rare opening for conversation. He doesn't want you to see his vulnerability, but will be grateful and feel comforted to know that you are always there for him. And get support for yourself when you need it. Family, friends, and even local gifted advocacy parent groups can be a great resource as you weather this challenging time along with your child.

The following are additional blog posts that target middle school and gifted students:

Caught in the middle: How to help gifted children survive the middle school years

Difficult passage: Gifted girls in middle school

Ability grouping works - and is essential in middle school and beyond

How school policy affects gifted children's friendships (and what you can do about it)

What was the best class your gifted child had in school?

When does therapy benefit gifted adolescents?

This blog is part of Hoagie's Gifted Education Blog Hop on Ages and Stages of Giftedness. To see more blogs in the hop, click on: http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/blog_hop_ages_and_stages_redux.htm

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Middle school - that time warp most of us would like to forget! But if you have a gifted middle school boy, it is critical to stay attuned to the pitfalls and challenges that might derail his adjustment and safe passage into adolescence.

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Worried about the presence of your child's imaginary friend? You needn't be. Imaginary friends carry great benefits for children, even into adulthood.
My daughter's first self portrait was a giant pink duck.

Walking a blue blowfish on a leash.

It was Pink Duck, of course, the jet-setting waterfowl who had come to live with us a few months prior. At once an alter-ego and an imaginary companion, Pink Duck divided her time between our real home in the woods and "Duck Island": a section of forest across the creek a quarter mile away.

Pink Duck wasn't an only child, but she was the only member of the Duck family to reside in our home. She had one hundred brothers - all named Frank - and they were too large a crowd to visit all at once. They lived on Duck Island permanently, along with Ticky, Tickalina, and Little Blue Blowfish.

We visited often, told stories and drew pictures. Our world revolved around Pink Duck's adventures, and we rolled with it.

Or perhaps I should say, we waddled.

While some indeed felt otherwise, Pink Duck's presence was never cause for our concern.

I grew up around my sister's imaginary friend Gudder, and my husband spent his childhood in a fantasy world of role play with knights. Our daughter's creativity was our trump card, our anchor when her world seemed awry.

By kindergarten that feeling was frequent. She was an odd duck in the classroom, and the powers that be wanted testing and reports.

The more stress, anxiety, and anger she experienced, the stronger the hold on Pink Duck. There were tea parties and train rides, circus performances and quests. Her teachers asked even more questions; we said forget it and pulled her from school.

We knew her interactions with the Duck Island were as much a way of sussing out her place within the world as they were a sign of her developmental health, and we had science to back us up.

In The Real Guide to Imaginary Companions , Science Friday host and executive producer Ira Flatlow, explores the content of a child's imaginary life and its correlation to social-emotional development. Flatlow's three episodes feature interviews with noted Developmental Psychologists Tracy Gleason and Marjorie Taylor , reviewing their research on imaginary friends and their impact on child development.

Imaginary friends are normal

Scientists once believed imaginary friends were the invention of troubled children. But that attitude is changing, thanks in no small part to the work of Gleason and Taylor. Since the mid 1990s, Gleason and Taylor have explored the rich imaginary lives of children. Imaginary friends are not only quite common, say the researchers, they are also a healthy sign of appropriate development.

Through their research, Gleason and Taylor have found that

77% of children up to age seven have an imaginary friend

38% of imaginary friends are visible only to the child

62% are animated objects (such as stuffed animals)

While girls are more likely to have imaginary friends than boys, there is little difference in development between children who have imaginary friends and those who don't

Children with imaginary friends enjoy social situations, typically inventing playmates for moments when physical friends aren't around

Imaginary friends enhance social development

Fanciful companions can play an integral role in a child's social-emotional development. Through such play, children can practice social and executive functioning skills while they explore the line between fantasy and reality. In fact, Taylor and Gleason have found two surprising benefits:

Adults who had imaginary friends as children exhibit more creative approaches to problem solving

Adults who had imaginary friends as children are better able to sort, organize, prioritize tasks and information.

Imaginary friends encourage empathy

Children form deep attachments to their companions, and their love for them is real. Taylor and Gleason argue these bonds build help foster empathy: when a child identifies with and feels for an imaginary friend, that cognitive ability transfers to everyday life.

All of these are benefits we've seen in our own home. The frustrated kindergartner we once knew has blossomed into a confident fifth grader with positive friendships, healthy interests, and a heart of gold. Pink Duck lived with us as long as she was needed, a trusted companion who understood our daughter perhaps even better than we did.

Our daughter remembers Pink Duck fondly; I remember the day she let her go. It was the end of first grade and I asked her to draw a self portrait.

There was no Pink Duck. No scarf. No blue blowfish on a leash.

Just a blue-eyed, dirty blonde-haired beauty, clutching a pencil in one hand and a notepad in the other.

And she was smiling.

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Worried about the presence of your child's imaginary friend? You needn't be. Imaginary friends carry great benefits for children, even into adulthood. My daughter's first self portrait was a giant pink duck. Walking a blue blowfish on a leash. It was Pink Duck, of course, the jet-setting waterfowl who had come to live with us a few months prior.

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3 Things You Should Know About Being the Mom of a Twice-exceptional Child

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3 Things You Should Know About Being the Mom of a Twice-exceptional Child

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I battled with myself a bit about this post. I am happy to divulge all the information when the information is mine, but this particular issue centers around my son, who is incredible and independent of me. Indeed, one day he will be entirely his own entity and this story will be his to tell instead of mine. However, it is impossible to separate us in some respects; my experience being a mom is being a mother to him.

So, I'll stick to the basics. My guy is six, a Kindergartner, and twice-exceptional. Twice-exceptional children are considered to be intellectually gifted AND diagnosed with an additional learning disability. Disabilities can run the gamut, which makes the gifted aspect of these children's capabilities even more amazing. My son's level of giftedness was medically confirmed earlier this year, along with his second diagnosis after completing an IQ test and regular therapy sessions. We originally sought out psychological evaluation for our son to diagnose or rule out placement on the autism spectrum. While we weren't surprised to hear the words "gifted" associated with our then five year old, it wasn't what we were after. We wanted to help him deal with mounting difficulties in structured (or sometimes not structured enough) environments like school. We wanted to support him socially when we saw him struggling. Mostly, we wanted him to be happy and we needed to know how to help him down whatever road he needed to travel.

His secondary diagnosis revolving around his anxieties was not totally surprising, but we were still unprepared. Still, we finally had a full picture of our son and his abilities. I remember being SO THANKFUL for a name, a label, a title, AND the ability to find out more.

We've covered some good ground since his diagnosis, but it is always a work in progress. We sat in our first 504 meeting, drafted a plan for our boy, and are working to support his angel-like teacher. We have great days and we have rough, awful days. Some days I stare at him in awe of his mind, and other days I wish (silently, in the depths of my heart) that he wasn't so damn intense. We aren't good at anything, but we are doing our best.

So, if you are starting your journey parenting a twice-exceptional child (or even just know and care for one) here are 3 things you should know:

1. Life is INTENSE around a 2E kid
From infancy on, this kid lived hard. Needs were demanded. Time schedules were adhered to (by him, not by me. I never needed a watch because this baby literally cried to eat and sleep at the same time every day. I sobbed often during daylight savings).

He LOVES the things he loves. His attention span knows no bounds with them. His aversions are just as intense, and honestly, sometimes irrational. We might be the only family who truly cannot enter Home Depot because my 2E kid remembers a Halloween decoration from 3 years ago that the store once displayed that terrifies him.

Gifted children carry their own set of intensities, and these can certainly be increased with additional diagnoses.

2. You will doubt yourself
I cried in the doctor's office when we got the official feedback on our son. Part of me was damn proud of him and his cool little brain, and the other part was entirely overwhelmed. I'm of average intelligence and (maybe?) average parenting ability. I had NO IDEA how I could or would support someone like my son. I still wonder how often I'm doing it right.

Recently my son incurred a scrape on his arm on the way to his bus. Most kids would be a little shaken up. Some parents might turn around and head back home for a band-aid, ice pack, etc. Me? I first had to deal with his VERY PHYSICAL reaction to pain, and then his very public display of his emotions. The Great Escrape, as I've come to call it, resulted in me patching him up, writing a hurried note to his teacher, sweating literal buckets while trying to calm him down in the car, breaking my own heart watching him walk into school carrying his "broken wing" and sobbing in the car because he had requested a "time-turner" to go back in time and erase the worst moment of life---and the knowledge that I had dropped him off to deal with his big feels all day without me. A simple scrape on the sidewalk left me doubting my choices and my abilities. And, with him, BIG things happen more often than I would have ever imagined.

2E kids demand more from the world and it is sometimes difficult to feel like you are meeting their standards, so to speak.
(P.S. Two days later he is still insisting that he cannot move his arm, is eating, writing, and dressing himself one handed, and refusing to do some of his favorite things because "healing hurts" He STILL hasn't let me off the hook with The Great Escrape).
3. You will always be amazed
This last one isn't a display of what my gifted child can do. Rather, it is the statement that his mind AMAZES ME. He sees the world in a different way than most. He encounters learning differently. He can and does.

We worried so much, SO MUCH, about our guy's transition into a public, mainstreamed school. We anticipated the worst. Time and time again, he did his best. The run wasn't flawless, but goddamn, that little boy AMAZED us with his mind, his character, and his heart.

As far as we are concerned, there is no goal out of reach for our son. He will always have to learn to work differently to achieve it, but he can and he will.

A final word to those parenting 2E kids---I see you and how hard you are working at it. The rap of having a gifted child these days has certainly changed. You may have been accused of being a "tiger mom" or "hot boxing" your kid, and it's tough to find a place to share his or her accomplishments. Add in a little something extra, something that complicates it all, and your job is ROUGH. I see you and I applaud you for trying. I'm literally making a mess of it all, but I keep plugging away for him. You keep working at doing the best you can, and we'll probably all turn out alright. ----Megan

Other posts you may like:

Teaching tolerance: Explaining the word gay to my son
Why we spend so much time outside
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Filed under: education, Gifted Children, Mable Megan, Parenting, school, Twice-Exceptional, Uncategorized

Tags: 2E, Education, Gifted child, Gifted Education, motherhood, parenting, Twice-Exceptional

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3 things you should know about being the mom of a twice-exceptional child

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I battled with myself a bit about this post. I am happy to divulge all the information when the information is mine, but this particular issue centers around my son, who is incredible and independent of me. Indeed, one day he will be entirely his own entity and this story will be his to tell...

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Are You Offering Your Children Too Many Choices?

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Are You Offering Your Children Too Many Choices?

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Michal Maimaran was out walking in Evanston when she bumped into her family's pediatrician and struck up a friendly conversation-a chance encounter that inspired a new research project.

Maimaran, a research associate professor of marketing at the Kellogg School, has been studying decision-making in children for several years. So her ears perked up when the doctor mentioned he had observed parents giving children lots of options about various day-to-day activities: At the park, would she rather play on the slide, or the swings, or kick a ball around, or throw a Frisbee, or climb a tree? At home, which of the dozens of books on her shelves does she want to read?

The doctor was troubled by this approach. And Maimaran knew research has shown that having an abundance of choices can be a bad thing-at least for adults.

Psychologists and marketers have previously found evidence that having lots of choices can feel overwhelming or make us regretful of our final choice-a phenomenon known as "choice overload." But no one had really looked at how an abundance of choice affects children, and in particular, how having so many affects how engaged they are with the option they ultimately choose.

Maimaran started to reflect on the choices she offered her own children, and critically, how much they actually engaged with their final selection. After all, she says, "what matters most is, after you chose something, what do you do with it?"

Thus, a research project was born.

She found that there can be negative consequences to giving children lots of options to choose from. In several studies she showed that when kids pick from a large set of options, they spend less time engaged with their choice than when they pick from a small set.

Over time, Maimaran suggests, using choice sets strategically can have an effect on the kinds of activities that children find interesting and enjoy, something parents, educators, and policymakers may want to keep in mind.

"What matters most is, after you chose something, what do you do with it?"

For example, if you want to keep your child's nose in a book, you may be better off giving them just two to three titles to choose from, rather than a hefty stack. The same idea holds for other beneficial activities, such as educational games and playing outside. On the flipside, though not studied directly by Maimaran, you might be able to shorten the amount of time kids spend on less desirable activities, such as video games, not by cajoling them, but simply by offering them a larger selection of games to choose from.
Curious George and the Study of Decision-Making

Maimaran got some help in her research from a beloved monkey and a man with a yellow hat.

Curious George's creators probably didn't plan on it, but they wrote the perfect series for a study of children's decision-making: the books included in the study are the same length, 24 pages each, and share a similar cover design scheme. As an added bonus, the series is widely popular among both boys and girls, eliminating concerns about gender as a confounding factor.

In one of the studies, preschoolers were asked to select a book from a set of either two or seven Curious George titles. Afterward, the kids, who were not reading yet, were invited to look at the book for as long they liked.

Maimaran finds that children who picked between two Curious George books spent less time arriving at their choice and more time looking at the book compared with children who chose from among seven options.

When she repeated the test with a different group of children using sets of differently colored building blocks, rather than books, Maimaran observed the same result: children who picked from a set of two spent twice the time playing with the blocks compared with children who picked from among six options.

So why is this happening?
When Making Choices Is Difficult, Yet Fun
Maimaran says more research is needed to understand the precise mechanism underlying the effect of choice size on engagement in children. But she suspects that when children's cognitive resources are spent on the act of choosing something, there is less attention and energy left to enjoy the thing itself. At the same time, she suggests, choosing from the large set can be an engaging task in and of itself, especially for children, leaving the children with a less of a need to engage with the option they ended up choosing.

Beyond engagement with their final choice, Maimaran also wondered how the kids felt about the actual act of choosing.

So another study asked the preschools if they thought choosing from a small set would be easier or harder than choosing from a large set, as well as which they thought would be more fun to choose from. The consensus was that the small set would make choosing easier, but choosing from a large set would be more fun.

And, by a wide margin, they stated they would prefer to pick from a large set.

It's a puzzling preference. Why would kids opt to do something they find harder?

"It could be that the desire to have fun and enjoy overrides avoidance of difficult tasks," Maimaran proposes.

Or perhaps kids are simply rational actors. After all, she says, the more options you have, the more likely you are to find one that suits your needs, even if it is a more difficult process.
Why More Isn't Always Better
But, it seems, being able to find the most suitable choice still does not guarantee you will use it more.

Maimaran's research finds that offering children too many choices makes them less likely to engage with their final selection. Do adults respond in the same way.

Previous evidence suggests that "choice overload" in adults can lead to less satisfaction with a final choice, or the inability to make a choice at all. But because very little research has explicitly studied how much adults use their final selection, it is hard for Maimaran to predict whether the behavior she observed in preschoolers would hold true throughout the lifespan. After all, adults, more so than young children, may feel the need to justify their lengthy decision-making process by engaging more with their choice.

When it comes to her own children, Maimaran is practicing what her research suggests.

If her kids are making a purchase, she'll identify a small subset of options and let them choose from among those. "This is easier done online than in the store," she says, "where you're just overwhelmed, standing in front of this aisle with so many options."

About the Featured Faculty

Research Associate Professor and Clinical Associate Professor of Marketing

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Are You Offering Your Children Too Many Choices?

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Michal Maimaran was out walking in Evanston when she bumped into her family's pediatrician and struck up a friendly conversation-a chance encounter that inspired a new research project. Maimaran, a research associate professor of marketing at the Kellogg School, has been studying decision-making in children for several years.

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Disciplining gifted children? She really thinks she needs a whole blog post about that? You might think discipline would be no different for a gifted child than it might be for any average child. Wrong. Gifted children present a few unique challenges to the average discipline plan. If you are a frustrated parent of the gifted child, sit tight and read on.

Here is the first and perhaps most important rule when it comes to disciplining a gifted child - do not argue. Do not argue. Are you getting my drift? Take arguing it off your list of parenting skills (not that it should really be at the top of your list). You can get particularly burned by trying to argue with a gifted child.

First of all, they may be much better at it than you are. Gifted children often have unusual amounts of persistence, high vocabulary, and lots more creative ideas going through their mind then you might at any given time. They can whip out snappy comebacks and semi-logical explanations in rapid-fire succession. They can make your "because I told you so" position looked pretty wimpy by comparison.

You get overwhelmed, they win. And they may not even be trying to be horribly disrespectful to you. They may just have better ideas at the time of the argument, and a lot more of them. So there you are, stunned like a deer in headlights, and they have bopped off to do the next thing. What now?

So instead of reacting and getting down quickly, you need to use your advantage as the more experienced mature adult and think ahead of them. Make your rules and expectations crystal clear to them. Be sure you do this on a regular basis while they are calm and not in a persistent competitive mood. Believe me, I have put myself up against this too many times. Be wise and pick your battles here.

In fact, you can use your creative powers against them. Teach them exactly what you want them to learn by following these rules and then have them help you brainstorm appropriate consequences for breaking the rules. When kids have a chance to put their input into something important, they are likely to go for it.

Once things are clear, be prepared to back up everything you do. See rule number one - don't argue. No matter how much resistance or plausible arguments your child may offer, remind them that they understood these rules before doing whatever they did. If they become emotionally stuck or overwhelmed at this point, you will need to deal with that first. Give them some space, give them a hug, or whatever you know calms them down so you can communicate with each other.

You may know that your gifted child has the potential to do some amazing things in their life. As a parent, it's easy to get a little starstruck thinking about this. But your child's gifts will go to waste if they don't learn how to discipline themselves and focus their life when they need to. It's just as important to teach them discipline as it is to have a full bookshelf, science kits, and advanced math computer games at their disposal.

I find myself pulling books out of my daughter's hands at bedtime most nights. I love that she's reading so much, but when she chooses to read instead of following her get-ready-for-bed plan after I've given her direct instruction to do so, I consider that a discipline problem. I'm constantly preaching the "time and place" lesson with her. If I were to just let her do what she wanted and read for another hour, her sleep deprivation would cost her more than the extra reading would benefit her.

I realize that gifted children come in many different packages. Some are more easily manageable because of their personality makeup, some are far more frustrating to deal with. Gifted children can get in trouble too. Don't allow yourself skimp on the discipline because you are so proud of their potential.

I am personally dealing with the more persistent argumentative variety of gifted children. Anyone have experiences other than this to share?

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Disciplining gifted children? She really thinks she needs a whole blog post about that? You might think discipline would be no different for a gifted child than it might be for any average child. Wrong. Gifted children present a few unique challenges...

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Running to Stand Still, a song performed by U2 is, and has been, a favorite of mine since college. I remember the lyrics resonating deeply within me then - so much emotion, desire and frustration.

Now, with U2's 2017 Joshua Tree Tour (and getting to see them live twice!) I am contemplating the relevance of this song to my experience as a parent, and in mentoring parents of twice exceptional children and 2e adults. The lyrics illustrate the lonely and often frustrating journey of parenting a 2e child or being a 2e adult; awakening to the realization of necessary and sometimes onerous advocacy and the final appreciation that even after a journey of learning and promoting best practices, we may find ourselves standing in the same place as when we started. With all our efforts people continue to misunderstand our children or our own life experience. In the end, we must remain true to ourselves, drive our own destiny and teach our children to recognize and celebrate their strengths and gifts.
And so she woke up
Woke up from where she was
Lying still
Said I gotta do something
About where we're g oing
These first verses are the realization that things just aren't okay in our kids' or our own lives; that we need to re-think the environment and appreciate that challenges just aren't going to fix themselves. This awareness begins as a steady rumble; quiet at first. As parents, when we notice unrest, we think, we hope; it's just this year, just this teacher, just this phase. The rumbling gradually gets louder, becoming a steady reverberation. It wakes us up. We realize we've got to do something. This reality just isn't going to go away. The rumble, now thunderous and palpable, indicates a depth of frustration, emotion and desperation that makes us jump up looking, sometimes frantically, for a place to go - the place where someone is not annoyed by our child and will appreciate - dare we hope - encourage, his gifts and unbridled enthusiasm.

You got to cr y without weeping
Talk without speaking
Scream without raising your voice
She runs through the streets
With eyes painted red
Under a black belly of cloud in the rain

On a recent visit to the zoo with my son's second grade class, I saw the 2e child's classroom experience played out in the Great Ape House. For me, this is the saddest place in the zoo. Those incredibly majestic silver backs behind glass, lying on concrete floors under faux trees. One gorilla caught my eye. He was lying on the floor, head cocked toward us, staring while mindlessly volleying a ball to himself. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Look away. Down.
In through a doorway she brings me White gold and pearls stolen from the sea
She will suffer the needle chill
She's running to stand still She is raging
She is raging
And the storm blows up in her eyes
Immediately my mind jumped to the twice exceptional kids' life experience; trapped in a box, forced to suppress creativity and exuberance, spending hours each day repressing their natural instincts just like harnessing the great ape's power and grace - the boredom, relentless banality and submission to someone else's agenda.

Clients tell stories about their children suffering consequences for running out of the classroom, or refusing to do rote homework, or politely excusing themselves to spend most of school in the bathroom. "Wow!" I think to myself. "Bravo to them for not disrupting, breaking or hitting anything, or saying something inappropriate." They scream without raising their voice. How does that ape sit in the glass box and take the concrete jungle lying down? How do our magnificent children spend all day waiting to learn something new? Receiving knowledge drip by drip when they're equipped to drink from a hose? Expecting to share sparks and looking for someone who wants to be lit on fire? Waiting to be understood? Hoping to be appreciated for their unique way of thinking?
Step on a steam train
Step out of the driving rain, maybe
Run from the darkness in the night
Parents too, exercise great restraint. Clenching their fists in frustration, tears of anger streaming down their face, they tell me story after story of a teacher, an administrator, a fellow parent who shakes their head and pathologizes their child, blames them as parents always, always with obvious and cruel judgment, as though they understand and know exactly how they would handle it, if only it were their child.

Parent's realize their children's reality and want desperately to change the situation. Everything fights against them, no matter what they try, no matter how much they are willing to pay, no matter what they say, they don't get anywhere. They'll do whatever it takes to let their bright sun of a child shine, looking for someone who doesn't shield their eyes from the glow but soaks up the rays.

Much to their chagrin, many parents find themselves frozen in their tracks - there is no "forever fix." The realization they reach is that the only solution is to alter others' perceptions. But changing culture is an arduous task. They themselves may have altered their own preconceived notions. So, the emotion wells up, anger takes over, bubbles over, and bridges are burned. Now all their efforts were seemingly for naught, they experience the icy stinging conclusion that they ran to nowhere.

The Zohar, a mystical interpretation of the Hebrew Bible and the basis for Kaballah, talks about angels in a way that describes our twice exceptional children's experience.

"Of the angels it is written: 'He makes His angels spirits' (Psalms 104:4). But when they descend, they put on the garment of this world. If they did not put on a garment befitting this world they could not endure in this world and the world could not endure them."

If only the world was set up to encourage our twice exceptional angels to be themselves. How much can we or do we want to ask our twice exceptional children to hide their spirit and nature?

A realization occurs. Parents figure out that just as hard as it is for them to find people who understand their child, it's just as hard for their children to conform - and they really don't want them to.

Parents are their children's best advocates. To keep their child's self-esteem intact, they must part ways with standard and status quo and move away from all the negativity. They must turn their efforts toward helping their children see their differences as strengths and knowing that with each step away from ignorance and darkness they move toward the light - where their child is able to express his gifts toward experiencing something worthwhile.

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Running to Stand Still - With Understanding Comes Calm

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Running to Stand Still, a song performed by U2 is, and has been, a favorite of mine since college. I remember the lyrics resonating deeply within me then - so much emotion, desire and frustration. Now, with U2's 2017 Joshua Tree Tour (and getting to see them live twice!)

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Six Reasons to Stop Treating Gifted Kids as "Special"

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Six Reasons to Stop Treating Gifted Kids as "Special"

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What's wrong with telling gifted kids that they are special?

After all, they hear frequent messages that point out how they are different...unique...and yes, special.

They overhear adults rave about their talents.

Their peers don't quite "get" them, and are sometimes a bit jealous.

Teachers occasionally provide extra attention - explaining different projects or homework assignments that the other kids don't receive.

They witness some parents clamoring to have their children evaluated for gifted programs, and sometimes hear kids brag when they are accepted.

They surmise that being gifted must be a big deal.

Whether they like it or not, gifted children are sometimes treated as special because they are different. False assumptions and labels, unrealistic expectations, misconceptions, and envy complicate the picture. The term "gifted" evokes longing and bitterness among those whose children are not identified. All children are gifts to their families and should be special to them. But sometimes when families notice another child "labeled" as gifted, and don't understand the context for said label, sparks can fly.

What does "special" really mean?

In an odd twist to this quandary, use of the term"special" within education circles has different connotations, and is often associated with learning difficulties. Most parents don't want this label for their children. "Special services," (typically offered to address developmental or learning delays) do not evoke the same bitterness and envy as gifted services.

Putting aside the official terminology used to define "special services" in schools, most people recognize that giftedness is associated with unique and exceptional abilities that are not the norm. Some may try to deny this by claiming that "every child is gifted." But such statements ignore the facts. As noted in a recent commentary:

"by definition, it is not possible for 'all students' to be 2 or 3 standard deviations above their age equivalent peers. To say so demonstrates either exceptionally poor understanding of mathematics or exceptionally poor understanding of the reality of intellectual giftedness."

Others may boast that all they want is an average child, or they won't call their child gifted - as if giftedness is a choice or will disappear if ignored.

You don't get to choose your child's intellect - it can be enhanced or thwarted depending on environmental and educational circumstances, but your child's abilities are not yours to choose.

Problems with the "special" label

All of this controversy can lead to the assumption that gifted children are "special" as opposed to merely different or neuroatypical. It is essential that all children know that they are special to their parents just because they are loved. But when children believe that they are "special" to family, friends, or teachers specifically because they are gifted, several problems can arise:

1. Love seems conditional
Children need to feel special and loved by their parents regardless of their innate abilities. Love should not be contingent upon talents, performance or accomplishments. This is a set-up for approval-based achievement, perfectionism, insecurity, and long-standing resentment. If children assume that they are only loved when they perform - and perform well - they will become anxious, insecure and resentful. Ultimately, this can damage their relationship with their parents as well as affect their self-concept and overall mental health.

Recognition of a child's abilities can backfire, especially when associated with an innate talent unrelated to effort and hard work. Praise for a talent or an easily accomplished task can evoke feelings of guilt and shame. With their heightened sense of fairness and justice, gifted children know that it's just wrong to receive acknowledgment for something they had no more control over than the color of their eyes. It is confusing and leaves little room for distinguishing talent from a legitimate, hard-fought achievement.

3. It destroys peer relationships

Children also sense when they are treated differently and inappropriately singled out at school. Some may feel undeserving, and fear that peers will resent them. This is particularly damaging when teachers ask gifted students to tutor struggling students or co-teach the class. No one likes a teacher's pet, and singling out gifted students is bound to hamper their chances of fitting in. Due to the elimination of ability grouping in many districts, gifted instruction is often delivered separately, away from the rest of the class. Gifted students receive small chunks of "pull-out" instruction or individualized, "special" attention from the teacher, and may feel embarrassed that they warrant this additional time. Other students also may resent it as well.

4. It creates inflated expectations

Some gifted children develop highly inflated and unrealistic expectations for themselves. They might expect to matriculate at the most prestigious college, land the best possible job, and receive numerous awards along the way. Any divergence from this path is perceived as a disappointment and failure. An average grade, a rough patch in school, and less than stellar SAT scores are viewed as shameful and an assault to their sense of self. There is no margin for error. While some eventually develop resiliency and humility, others may struggle for years with anxiety, shame, depression, bitterness, and anger.

5. It skews their perspective
When gifted children assume that functioning at such a high level is the norm, they may come to expect this from others as well. They may become impatient, demanding and frustrated when their peers do not grasp information at the same pace, cannot delve into projects with the same intensity, and have less intrinsic interest in learning. Just like a talented athlete loses patience with a struggling teammate, gifted children can become frustrated in interactions with neurotypical children. Appreciating that there is nothing "special" about their abilities may help them tolerate this frustration and feel more accepting of their peers' differences in these situations.

6. It perpetuates stereotypes about giftedness

Some of the reluctance to provide gifted education, the backlash against ability grouping, and the widespread neglect of gifted children's needs is fueled by the public's emotional response to the concept of giftedness. When a group of highly able individuals are viewed as "special," envy, bitterness and irrationality may follow. Otherwise well-meaning teachers, administrators and families block attempts to provide gifted services. They claim that gifted children are not deserving of "special" treatment, that it is elitist, that it is not equitable, that gifted children are privileged, or that other children would feel wounded if they believed that they were not as smart. These notions are often excuses for implementing policies based on emotional reactivity about giftedness and "special" treatment rather than sound research or clarity about what gifted children need.

Not treating gifted children as "special" does not mean ignoring their needs

Gifted children have unique educational needs due to their intellectual differences and require academic services tailored to these needs. Not treating them as "special" does not mean neglecting their education or failing to provide services they require. In fact, receiving appropriate services should be the "norm" for them, and not viewed as special treatment. It is ironic that gifted services are often housed within special education departments, as this is often the only means of assuring any funding at all. If giftedness were viewed as just another learning difference that required a different educational approach - rather than a trait to be envied - teachers could get on with educating their students.

What can you do?

Show your child love and acceptance, provide structure, and discipline appropriately as needed - what you would do for any child. Treat giftedness as just another aspect of who your child is - not as overly important, but as a trait that needs attention and care. Praise your child's efforts, offer support and acceptance when he or she fails, and encourage healthy risk-taking. Teach self-compassion, gratitude and tolerance for others' differences. Educate family, friends, acquaintances, teachers, administrators, legislators, and any others you encounter who are misinformed about giftedness. And continue to advocate to ensure that your child receives an appropriate and enriching education.

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Six reasons to stop treating gifted kids as "special"

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What's wrong with telling gifted kids that they are special? After all, they hear frequent messages that point out how they are different...unique...and yes, special. They overhear adults rave about their talents. Their peers don't quite "get" them, and are sometimes a bit jealous.

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Independent Summer Enrichment and Exploration: On the Go!

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Independent Summer Enrichment and Exploration: On the Go!

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This is the second post in a three-part series about independent summer enrichment and exploration for gifted youth.
If you're on the go this summer experiencing new places, your gifted child may jump at the chance to take the experience to a new level. A new project, a different kind of conversation, or a brief activity can spice up the time at or in between events and destinations. Here are some tips and suggestions for fun, educational activities while traveling.

Google Earth is Your New Friend. With Google's recent upgrades, your child can assist you with Google's Personalized Travel Planner , and then, while traveling, they can explore enhanced features including topographic maps, 3D cities, and satellite imagery as part of tours created by scientists, storytellers, and nonprofits.

Podcast Goodness. Has your child discovered podcasts? There's a world of great listening out there you can listen to as a family while you travel and use as food for great thought and discussion. The first link below, from the School Library Journal, poses some helpful questions as you find the right podcast fit:

5 Questions for That Tour Guide. Natural curiosity drives great questions, and your child may already be known for their art of inquiry. Challenge them to come up with five of the most creative questions they can for a tour guide while visiting a site. Evaluate the experience afterward: did you get the answer you were looking for? What were you expecting? What new questions does the answer spark for you?

Museum Redesign. If you have a child who always has a better idea, challenge them with a redesign question. As you discuss the best of the museums you saw, ask your child to propose a new museum. How would they change the physical layout, the exhibit types, the artifacts and their presentation, and the types of interactions between museum-goers and the exhibits?

Whether your child is a foodie or not, the joy of discovering a great local food experience can create a forever memory, and how cool is it if your child found it first? Challenge your child to research "best local restaurants" within a certain price range, going beyond reviews and ratings sites, which often show results based on advertising dollars. Challenge them to find reputable food bloggers and other sites that can attest to the dining experience and why it's the best of local experiences. Sites such as Local Flavor. TripAdvisor also compile a range of reviews from the average tourist that may be a good launching pad for your child to then dig deeper through food blogs and reviews by local periodicals.

Resident Expert. Whether you or the whole family plans a trip, it's a great way to share ownership when you ask a child to become "resident expert" on some aspect of the destination. Discuss what search terms are best and what sites sound most reputable. Ask them to research via available devices as you travel and to share the coolest facts they've found before arrival. Or, if your child loves print, scour the library or bookstore before launch and stock up!

Arts Moment. Besides the art museum in an area, there might be opportunities to try local crafts and forms of artistic expression such as sculpture, dance, painting, or singing. If your child is particularly gifted in the arts, ask at the museum, tourist bureau, or Chamber of Commerce about opportunities to dig into the arts. For a more intensive experience, consider the VAWAA (Vacation with an Artist) experience, described here at Travel and Leisure .

The Celebratory Poem. Every good trip deserves an ode: a lyric poem that addresses a particular person or topic and that uses a formal tone. Challenge your child to write the family memories into an Ode to Our Trip! Whether it's long on meter and rhyme, musical or prose, this can be a fun "souvenir" to commemorate the travel experience.

. The Scrapbook. What about keeping a visual record of your trip? Have your child be in charge of collecting images along the way and creating a digital scrapbook. Many of the apps have an option to print out a book or keepsake. PopSugar Moms recommends several apps here

Lyn Fairchild Hawks currently serves as Assistant Director for Curriculum and Instruction for Duke TIP's distance learning programs. Lyn has taught a range of humanities courses to high school and middle school students for over a decade. She is the author of differentiated curricula for TIP, NCTE, and ASCD, and also writes young adult literature. Jamye Abram, Duke TIP's Instructional Technology Coordinator, and Diana Lisle, Elementary Programs Coordinator, also contributed to this post.

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Independent Summer Enrichment and Exploration: On the Go!

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This is the second post in a three-part series about independent summer enrichment and exploration for gifted youth. If you're on the go this summer experiencing new places, your gifted child may jump at the chance to take the experience to a new level.

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Help your gifted child find work-play balance

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Help your gifted child find work-play balance

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Organizational consultants emphasize "work-life balance" for employees drowning in stress. Find your pace. Be mindful. Don't check e-mail after work. And so on.

Gifted children sometimes need to find their "work-life" balance as well. They crave intellectual challenge and stimulation, but too much activity can result in burn-out. How can parents recognize that fine line between engagement and too much pressure?

Finding Work-Play Balance

1. Remain attuned to your child

Your child will let you know. He might not voice specific complaints, but his behavior speaks for itself. Symptoms can include anxiety, irritability, lethargy, depression, mood swings or sadness, an increase in arguments with you or his siblings, and a lowered frustration tolerance. Other signs are sleep disturbance (sleeping more, waking more often, or frequent nightmares), loss of appetite, or physical complaints, such as stomachaches or headaches. These symptoms may not necessarily stem from a work-play imbalance, but sometimes that can be part of the problem.

2. Read between the lines

If your child is able to express her concerns, listen to her. Gifted children, in particular, are highly sensitive and aware of their feelings. If she tells you she feels overwhelmed, or claims a particular class is too stressful, believe her. Her distress may be revealed through obsessive worrying, perfectionism, late-night melt-downs before an exam, or chronic procrastination. She also may express her distress indirectly. She might be annoyed by her teacher's voice, or the color of the classroom, or the lay-out of the robotics studio, or some other seemingly obscure complaint. It may be too difficult for her to admit to you (or herself) that she feels overwhelmed and overworked. Listen and pay attention to what she really might be saying.

3. Find out what is causing the problem

If a class or extra-curricular activity is too demanding, find out why. Understanding what is upsetting your child shows that you care and are open to learning more. It demonstrates your interest in assessing the situation and taking action, if necessary. Learning more about the problem, however, does not mean you must intervene, pull your child out of a class, or stop an activity altogether. Additional options include limiting his involvement, reducing expectations, speaking with his teacher, or helping him improve his social skills, time management or coping strategies. If he continues to struggle, and you are unable to help, it may be beneficial to consult with a licensed mental health professional.

4. Understand your child's drive

For many gifted children (and adults), work and play are inescapably intertwined. Play is the best learning tool for young children, and researchers have recommended making provisions for even more play time during the school day. Gifted kids use both play and challenging academic opportunities to delve into a task or project, and find intrinsic joy through learning, curiosity, creative expression, and accomplishing a meaningful goal. When schools eliminate the option for challenging learning, the result is lukewarm, rote educational instruction. This creates its own form of stress and misery for gifted children, contributing to boredom, apathy, and disillusionment. As a parent, it may fall on you to provide opportunities for free time, play, and creative expression at home, and to advocate when necessary within your child's school.

5. Encourage what works

You know your child best. When she is engaged, excited, immersed in a task she loves, and shares her enthusiasm with you, it's a clear sign that she's on the right track. When she throws herself into learning, is eager to embrace a new challenge, and is confident, you know that she has found that work-play balance. Help your child remain on the path that fosters challenge, curiosity, engagement, and a willingness to risk failure without fear. These opportunities will support continued growth, help to prevent burn-out, and encourage an ongoing passion for learning.

This blog is part of Hoagie's Gifted Education Page Blog Hop on Balancing Boredom and Burn-out. To see more blogs, click on the following link: http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/blog_hop_balancing_boredom_burnout.htm

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Help your gifted child find work-play balance

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Organizational consultants emphasize "work-life balance" for employees drowning in stress. Find your pace. Be mindful. Don't check e-mail after work. And so on. Gifted children sometimes need to find their "work-life" balance as well. They crave intellectual challenge and stimulation, but too much activity can result in burn-out.

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As a species, humans are wonderfully diverse. That diversity should be celebrated, or at least that's what I hear all the time. But what exactly is diversity? According to the Oxford English Dictionary, "diversity" refers to "the condition or quality of being diverse, different, or varied; difference, unlikeness." That sounds like what we say about the gifted and even what they say about themselves. Ask any gifted child or adult and you'll likely learn that they feel different, that they don't feel as though they fit in. Could this celebration of diversity be an opportunity for people to learn about and understand the gifted? Or is it one more excuse for excluding the gifted?

What Is Diversity?

Let's look at a more detailed defintion of "diversity" from the University of Oregon:

"The concept of diversity encompasses acceptance and respect. It means understanding that each individual is unique, and recognizing our individual differences. These can be along the dimensions of race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, socio-economic status, age, physical abilities, religious beliefs, political beliefs, or other ideologies. It is the exploration of these differences in a safe, positive, and nurturing environment. It is about understanding each other and moving beyond simple tolerance to embracing and celebrating the rich dimensions of diversity contained within each individual. "

This definition looks very promising. I can imagine an environment where people are encouraged to explore giftedness, where the gifted feel safe and nurtured, where the atmosphere is positive. I can imagine the concept of giftedness being recognized as one more dimension of human diversity. I can imagine the gifted not only being tolerated, but embraced. Yes, this celebration of diversity is a wonderful idea and offers a perfect opportunity for learning about and understanding the gifted.

There's a problem, though. Do you see it? Look at the list of dimensions for individual differences. Do you see intellectual abilities? No? Me either. I see physical abilities, but not intellectual abilities. Why not? Are we not to celebrate the wonderful diversity of intellectual abilities? Of course, if you asked about it, you'd no doubt be told that the mentally challenged are to be respected and appreciated just like any other human being. No one would disagree with that. But what about the other end of the intellectual ability spectrum? Do you hear much public discussion about respecting the gifted? I don't.

We hear calls to respect and to understand the gifted from the gifted community, but the responses to those calls are more often than not rather negative, many of them tied to one or more myths about giftedness. Here are just a few responses:

1. All children are gifted.

2. Gifted children already have all the advantages so why give them more?

3. Gifted children need to get along with others.

4. Gifted children need to understand that they aren't better than anyone else.

5. Gifted children need to be more tolerant of those who have to work hard to learn

Which of those responses reflects an attitude that would lead to a safe, nurturing, positive environment for gifted kids? Which of those responses suggests an interest in understanding giftedness? Which of those responses indicates tolerance of gifted kids or a willingness to embrace this intellectual ability as one of the "rich dimensions of diversity"?

Celebrating Diversity

If we ignore one dimension of human diversity, how can we possibly explore it? And considering the negative attitudes many harbor toward the gifted, it's unlikely that any exploration of giftedness would be done in a "safe, positive, and nurturing environment." Or is that not part of the celebration of diversity? According to the website " Celebrating Diversity, " we should be be "Working together to create communities that celebrate diversity by actively practicing and promoting, dignity, respect and inclusiveness."

Neither gifted children nor their parents seem to be given much respect. I experienced this lack of respect myself when my kid was in school, and I've heard about the disrespect and lack of understanding from many other parents of gifted children. Here are just two examples of the kinds of attitudes we run into:

These negative attitudes are not a secret. In fact, many people have tried to figure out the reason behind those negative attitudes. Here are two attempts to explain it:

If we harbor negative attitudes toward one group of people, how can we create a positive and nurturing environment? We can't. In fact, instead of promoting acceptance and inclusion, we are doing the opposite. We are demonstrating that one group does not need - or even deserve - to be included, does not deserve to be tolerated. They need not be part of the inclusivity of diversity until they demonstrate that THEY understand and tolerate others. For them, it's a one-way street. For everyone else, the street runs both ways.

If we truly wanted to celebrate diversity, we wouldn't leave out an entire dimension of it. We wouldn't ask more of one group than we ask of any other group. We would not make understanding and tolerating others a condition of being included. We would ask that everyone attempt to understand everyone else. We would make sure that harmful myths held for any and all groups be dispelled. We would make sure that everyone feels understood and respected. We would explore all the dimensions of humanity in a truly nurturing and respectful environment so that we could recognize that regardless of the differences we see among individuals, we are all still part of the big family of humanity. That celebration would include the gifted.

http://giftsforlearning.com/wp/celebrating-diversity-and-the-gifted/About Giftedness Rants and Responses celebrating diversity Carol Bainbridge Carol Bainbridge giftedkidsguide@gmail.com Administrator Gifts for Learning

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As a species, humans are wonderfully diverse. That diversity should be celebrated, or at least that's what I hear all the time. But what exactly is diversity? According to the Oxford English Dictionary, "diversity" refers to "the condition or quality of being diverse, different, or varied; difference, unlikeness."

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How to Explain "Giftedness" to Your Child

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How to Explain "Giftedness" to Your Child

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What should you tell your child about being gifted?

Whether identified as gifted, referred for an evaluation, or placed in a "gifted and talented program," children quickly form their own impressions. They may wonder if this makes them different or smarter or weirder or better than the other kids. They may worry that they will become less popular or will be teased or bullied. They might even want to stop being gifted altogether.

Understanding giftedness is not easy

Understanding giftedness is complicated for adults; it is even more challenging for a six-, eight- or ten-year-old child. They are too young to fully grasp what giftedness means or place it in a context that makes sense. Gifted children already know they are different, They have probably heard both compliments and criticism about their quirks, talents, and precocious behaviors. The "gifted" label can provide some validation for what they already know to be true, but it also might evoke confusion and anxiety.

Your child needs your help

Children need their parents to provide a framework for understanding what being "gifted" means. The following are some possible explanations you might offer to your child:

1. Gifted is just a word.
It doesn't mean that someone is better than anyone else. It was named a long time ago because people felt that it was a "gift" to be able to learn so easily. People might feel the same way about kids who run really fast or can slam dunk a basketball. You are so fortunate to be able to learn so quickly. But it doesn't make you a better person. People are special for all kinds of wonderful reasons. Being gifted does not make someone any more special than the next person.

2. Gifted is a word given to kids who have different learning needs.

Everyone is different. Just like some people are taller or shorter than others, or more or less athletic, some people need a different approach in school to make learning more interesting. Everyone learns at a different pace, just like people grow taller at different rates. Some people need their teachers to teach a little more slowly, and others do best when they can move quickly through the topic. You seem to need teaching that lets you move quickly or spend a lot of time exploring a topic in depth.

3. You were found to be "gifted" because of some tests you took.

We asked the school to give you these tests because you complained about being bored. We knew that if the testing labeled you as "gifted," we could ask the school to give you more interesting work. We didn't care if you were gifted or not. We didn't care what score you got on the test. The only reason for taking it was so the school could give you more choices and make school more interesting. (Note: it is never a good idea to tell a young child his or her IQ score.) Now that the school knows your test results, they can find more interesting school work that is more suited to what you need.

4. Giftedness is something that is a part of you.

Giftedness is just like your eye color or height. It doesn't come from how hard you work in school, and will not go away if you slack off. It is always there and gives you some great choices to do some really creative/intensive/interesting/(you fill in the blanks) things. You can't turn it on and off like a light switch. Being gifted affects how you see the world and think - not just how you perform in school. But if you work hard, you can achieve a lot. If you don't, you will lose out on the opportunities your abilities have given you. Just like you can decide what clothes you wear or what haircut you get, only YOU can decide how to use your abilities.

5. You are a lot more than your giftedness.
Even though being gifted is a part of who you are, it is not everything. There is so much more to who you are, and so much we love about you. Your intelligence and talents are just one small piece, and we wouldn't love you any less than if you had different color eyes or hair. You have so many great qualities and interests, and we are so happy that we get to know them.

6. Giftedness comes in all shapes and sizes.

Some kids are really gifted with math. Some are great writers. Some are born leaders. Others paint up a storm. Occasionally, a few gifted children are good at many things; most are not. You have subjects in school that come really easily to you, and interests that you love. We hope you continue to put a lot of energy into these things. But you still need to work hard in those areas that are not easy for you.

7. Gifted children sometimes feel they are different from other kids.

Even if you like how easy school is, it can be uncomfortable when you feel like you are different from a lot of the other kids in your class. It's normal to feel this way. We can help you to figure out what to say if other kids make comments about your interests. We also can help you find things you do have in common with some of the other kids, or help you find outside activities that school does not offer. Being a kid can be hard for everyone - even for some of the other kids who look like they have it easy. Friendships may become easier to find when you get older - but we will help you get through whatever is hard for you right now.

8. Giftedness is not an excuse.

Being gifted does not mean school should be easy. We know that some of your classes may be too basic for you, which is why we are trying to find opportunities inside and outside of school that will challenge you. We don't expect you to be perfect, but want you to try hard and put in your best effort. Success at anything takes hard work and and practice. Not everything you are going to do at school - or later in a job - is going to be interesting, so you have to learn to do the hard work even if you don't like it.
9. We love you no matter what
You don't have to be gifted or smart or talented or do well in school for us to love you. We love you for who you are and always will. You don't have to be perfect or prove anything or live up to your giftedness. You just need to figure out what interests you and let yourself delve into it. Of course, we would like you to put in effort in school - even when you don't like your classes. That's just life - sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do, like chores at home. But we don't love you any more or less just because you are gifted. We love you because you are you!

These ideas are just a few suggestions for starting a conversation with your gifted child. You will need to modify them to suit your child's and your family's beliefs and values. What is most important, though, is conveying that you will help your child navigate this journey through giftedness, and that ability and achievements play no role in your love and appreciation for your child.

What have you told your child about being gifted? Please share your ideas in the comments section below.

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How to explain "giftedness" to your child

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What should you tell your child about being gifted? Whether identified as gifted, referred for an evaluation, or placed in a "gifted and talented program," children quickly form their own impressions. They may wonder if this makes them different or smarter or weirder or better than the other kids.

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by Amy L Boone
Published in Tempo Magazine 2016

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Gifted children, especially the verbally gifted ones, are often compared to lawyers: they argue as if they are in court. The case they are usually arguing is their own. They argue about rules, about punishment, discipline, bedtime, dinner. Basically, they'll argue about nearly anything they don't like or they want to avoid. Although a gifted child can make excellent arguments, it's important for parents to make sure they remain in charge.

No matter how bright a child is, he or she is still a child, and children, even the gifted ones, need guidance. They need rules and they need consequences when they break those rules. Gifted children should never be excused from bad behavior because they make a good case for having broken a rule. If children can talk their way out of the consequences for bad behavior, they, not their parents, end up being in control.

How to Not Argue With Your Gifted Child​​ and Maintain Control

Make the Rules Clear.
If you have to deal with a little lawyer, you'll have to start thinking like one. That means that you need to anticipate that your child will find any loophole you have left in a rule. For example, if you tell your child that it's time for bed and you later find him playing -- in bed -- you can be sure your child found the loophole. You did not say he couldn't play. You only said it was time for bed. Your child needs to know ahead of time what it means when you say it's time for bed.

Make the Consequences for Breaking the Rules Clear.
A gifted child may have to concede that he has broken a rule, but he can still argue over the consequences. He may think the rule was unfair or the punishment is unfair, and with gifted kids, issues of fairness are not simply matters of debate. They often have a deep sense of justice. Fairness is less of a problem, however, if the consequences for breaking the rule are clear from the beginning.

1. Avoid Negotiating Consequences After a Rule is Broken.
Some gifted children can argue a case so well that their parents concede and negotiate a new consequence. Negotiating after the rule is broken is almost as bad as eliminating the consequence altogether. You may actually agree with your child, but negotiating consequences needs to be done before rules are broken, not after. That means that if a child had questions about a rule and its consequences or didn't agree with either of them, he or she should have asked at the time the rule was laid out. This is another reason for making the rules, and the consequences for breaking them, clear from the beginning.

2. Don't Argue Back.
This is a hard tip to follow because it is easy to get pulled into a debate. Parents of gifted children can't help at times being impressed with the ability of their young child to reason things out and present a good, logical argument. These parents may also want to answer all of their child's questions, for example, "Why should I have to go to bed before it's dark when....?" However, the best response at this point is to say something like, "You knew it was bedtime, but you refused to go. We can talk about a different bedtime tomorrow, but you still will not be able to watch your Bill Nye the Science Guy video tomorrow because you knew that is the punishment for not going to bed when you're supposed to."

1. Increase the Consequence if Your Child Continues to Argue.
Give your child a chance to stop the arguing by giving a warning first. For example, you might say, "If you argue with me again, you won't be able to watch Bill Nye for two days." If your child continues to argue, let him know he's lost his Bill Nye privileges for two days and if he argues again, it will be three days. Gifted kids are bright enough to know they need to stop arguing.

2. Be Consistent and Follow Through with Consequences.
It does no good to take away privileges if it is done in word only. Gifted kids will see that weakness and exploit it! The next time they want to argue, they'll go ahead and argue, regardless of your threats, because they will have seen that your threats are empty ones.

Make Consequences Reasonable and Enforceable.
It's not very useful to tell a four-year-old child that she won't be able to have friends over for three months. That is much too long, assuming you manage to enforce it for that long. Gifted children can usually find something else to do to replace whatever privilege you have taken away, so its loss becomes meaningless.

These tips work best when parents use them from the start. However, they will work even with older children, but the older the child is, the longer it will take for these strategies to work. Consistency is the key. If you give in and argue, you basically have to go back to square one. Actually, you end up at square -five because when you give in, you've reinforced the idea that arguing works!

By all means, enjoy your child's wonderful reasoning ability. Just don't let it control your family life.

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7 Tips to Avoid Arguments With Gifted Children

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Gifted children, especially the verbally gifted ones, are often compared to lawyers: they argue as if they are in court. The case they are usually arguing is their own. They argue about rules, about punishment, discipline, bedtime, dinner. Basically, they'll argue about nearly anything they don't like or they want to avoid.

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Why Gifted Children Have Social and Emotional Behavior Problems

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Why Gifted Children Have Social and Emotional Behavior Problems

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Giftedness is wonderful in many ways, but gifted children may also have characteristics that can affect their social and emotional development. To understand your gifted child, it's a good idea to see how your child's giftedness can influence his or her behavior.

Problems Resulting From Asynchronous Development

Advanced intellectual skills are not always accompanied by advanced social and emotional skills.

When skills develop at different speeds, development is described as " asynchronous." In some cases, gifted children can run into problems when their intellectual power is not matched by their other abilities. For example:

Gifted children can intellectually understand abstract concepts but may be unable to deal with those concepts emotionally, leading to intense concerns about death, the future, sex, and other advanced issues.

Gifted children's physical development may lead to an inability to complete a task they are capable of intellectually envisioning. This can lead to extreme frustration and acting out. (Perfectionism may play a role in this frustration as well.)

A gifted child may be able to participate in adult conversations about issues such as global warming or world hunger one minute and the next minute cry and whine because a sibling took a favorite toy. This may confuse adults, and cause an overreaction to age-appropriate behavior.

Problems Resulting From Advanced Verbal and Reasoning Ability

While gifted children are capable of reading, speaking, and even reasoning above grade level, those abilities may not always be used in positive ways. For example:

Gifted children can be argumentative and/or manipulative. (Adults often remark that these children are little lawyers.) Parents and other adults need to remember that, although credit should be given for logical and convincing arguments, a child is still a child and requires appropriate discipline, no matter how clever or cute the behavior may look. Children who see that they can manipulate adults can feel very insecure.

A gifted child may try to outsmart parents and teachers.

Sophisticated vocabulary and advanced senses of humor can cause gifted children to be misunderstood, which can make them feel inferior and rejected. (This is one reason gifted children prefer to be around older children and adults.)

Problems Resulting From Perfectionism and Emotional Sensitivities

It's wonderful to have high-level skills, but those skills sometimes create unreasonable expectations. Some gifted children become perfectionists, expecting themselves to get 100 percent scores on every test. Giftedness can also lead to an overactive imagination. These issues can cause behavioral issues; for example:

Perfectionism can lead to fear of failure, in turn causing a gifted child to avoid failure by refusing even to try something (including doing a homework assignment).

Keen observation, imagination, and ability to see beyond the obvious can cause a gifted child to appear shy, holding back in new situations in order to consider all the implications.

A gifted child may require full details before answering questions or offering help, making him or her appear socially shy.

Intense sensitivity can cause gifted children to take criticism, or even general anger, very personally. Childhood sleights do not roll off their backs.

Sensitivity and a well-developed sense of right and wrong can lead to concern over wars, starving children, pollution, violence, and injustice. If they are overloaded with images and discussions of these issues, they can become introverted and withdrawn or even suffer from "existential depression."

Virtually all the characteristics of giftedness can make gifted children feel "different," even at a very early age. It's important, therefore, to get them together with children like them and with people who understand them.

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Why Gifted Children May Show Behavior Problems

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Giftedness is wonderful in many ways, but gifted children may also have characteristics that can affect their social and emotional development. To understand your gifted child, it's a good idea to see how your child's giftedness can influence his or her behavior. Advanced intellectual skills are not always accompanied by advanced social and emotional skills.

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Texas Association for the Gifted & Talented

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Texas Association for the Gifted & Talented

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The Texas Association for the Gifted & Talented (TAGT) is a professional organization for parents and teachers focused on the unique needs of gifted and talented students.

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Texas Association for the Gifted & Talented

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TAGT strives to provide parents with tools and resources that will assist them in understanding and meeting the unique needs of their gifted and talented children through awareness, advocacy and action. It is important for parents to be good advocates for their gifted child and for gifted education in general.

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Unwrapping the Gifted - Using Bibliotherapy with Gifted Children

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Unwrapping the Gifted - Using Bibliotherapy with Gifted Children

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Hopefully we've all had that experience of reading a book that powerfully "spoke" to us, a book whose characters we could relate to, and whose struggles and triumphs we identified with. Taking this experience a step farther is the strategy of bibliotherapy, the process of helping the reader learn about and cope with any social or emotional struggles or developmental needs by identifying with a character in a book who shares a similar struggle or need. The reading is typically followed up by discussion with a trusted adult.

Bibliotherapy of course can be done with all students, particularly students who might be experiencing a divorce in the family, a learning disability, adoption, etc. Today I want to talk a bit about using developmental bibliotherapy specifically with gifted students. A fair amount has been written already (see links at the bottom of this post) about what bibliotherapy is and why it's important to do with gifted students. Essentially, by having gifted students read literature and/or biographies featuring gifted children or adults, the students can gain insights into their own giftedness. Through bibliotherapeutic reading, the gifted kids are presented with ideas for how to cope with some of the struggles they encounter because they are gifted. These struggles can include trouble finding meaningful friendships, existential depression, dealing with high expectations (whether internal or external), and being a unique learner when most around them don't learn as they do.

In addition to helping them learn new strategies for dealing with their various social and emotional issues, bibliotherapy with gifted kids can help them to better understand themselves, their sensitivity, and their quirks. It can allow them to learn about themselves vicariously and to know that they're not alone, that others have - and have had - the same concerns or problems. It can expose them to new ways of thinking about and seeing the world around them. And it can help them gain insight into themselves by connecting with or identifying with a character in a book who is similar to them or who has similar obstacles to overcome.

The reality is that gifted kids don't always have everything going for them, despite what others may mis-perceive about them in that regard. They're certainly not all in need of clinical therapy, either, but - as I point out to the parents of my students - raising (or teaching) a gifted child is usually not the cakewalk that everyone else assumes it to be... because they come packaged with all these worries, sensitivities, quirks, and surprises, together with their unique intelligence. (I've had parents' eyes tear up when I say that to them... It's often their first acknowledgement from someone outside the family that raising their gifted child is far more of a challenge than others realize.)

My angle today is to offer a concrete example of how I'm using this strategy with my students, with the aim of perhaps giving the rest of you some ideas for how to use this strategy with your own gifted students or children.

There are certainly millions of books out there that gifted kids would love reading, but I know that "just any ol' book" wouldn't qualify for the purpose I have in mind. So I set some criteria for creating a booklist for this lesson:

First, in my case I am doing this with my 5th and 6th graders, so criteria #1 is that the content of the books has to be appropriate for them. While on my hunt for books to add to the list, I came across many that would be excellent to use in this way with older gifted kids, but I didn't feel comfortable putting them on the list for my 5th & 6th graders.

Secondly, I wanted books with a reading level of about 5th grade or higher, preferably higher if possible. Most of my 5th & 6th graders read on a high school level and I want the vocabulary and sentence structure to be challenging enough for them. [Yet, as any parent or teacher of a gifted child can tell you, getting criteria #1 and criteria #2 here to mesh together is not always easy!]

Third, I wanted books that have at least one main character who is relatively obviously gifted AND their giftedness is a relevant factor in the storyline. Again, I eliminated many otherwise-awesome books as candidates for the list because they didn't meet this criteria. But I stuck to it because what I have in mind for the students to do with their books wouldn't be nearly so relevant or even possible if the book didn't match this criteria. The exploration of giftedness (or some of its concomitant issues) had to be a factor of the book.

And fourth, I wanted a variety of books on the list, to meet the varying interests of my students. So some of them have a boy main character, some have a girl main character. Some are historical fiction, some are realistic fiction, some are science fiction, some are biographies, some are poetry, some are first-person accounts of real-life events, some are non-fiction, some are mysteries, and together they feature main characters from a variety of cultural and economic backgrounds, as well as different periods in time.

The kids have read through the list of books and each has chosen which book he or she wants to read. And I have given the kids bookmarks to use that have the following questions on them:

* Who in the book do you identify with and why?
* What situations/events/problems do you identify with and why?
* Do you agree or disagree with the significant decisions the main character(s) made? Why?
* How did being gifted impact the character's life? (in positive and/or negative ways)
* In what ways was the character gifted? How did you know he or she was gifted? (i.e. What, to you, were the identifiable characteristics?)
* What do you think are the messages the author is trying to send with this book? (Or: What do you think was the author's purpose for writing this book?)
* Do you agree or disagree with the author's message? Why?

Their reading will be followed up with some group discussion of gifted characteristics and issues, and the kids will also have time to create some sort of project on their book that answers all or most of the above questions. What kind of project they do is very open-ended (write an essay, do a PowerPoint, give a speech, write a play or poem or song, do a poster or diagram, etc.)

This is not an exhaustive booklist by any means, but it's a start. I fully expect this list to grow as the years go by, and a few of these books could potentially even be taken off the list if they don't fit the criteria as well as I had thought they would. Feel free to add your own ideas and recommendations, keeping in mind criteria #3 most of all. (A special shout out of "thanks" goes to the librarians in my district whose expertise was invaluable in helping me put together this list!)

Alvin Webster's Surefire Plan for Success and How it Failed by Sheila Greenwald.

Anastasia Krupnik by Lois Lowry.

Apollo 13 by James Lovell and Jeffrey Kluger.

Arilla Sun Down by Virginia Hamilton.

The Bat-Poet by Randall Jarrell. (For this purpose, an excellent book to combine with "Jonathan Livingston Seagull," listed below.)

Been Clever Forever by Bruce Stone.

Belle Prater's Boy by Ruth White.

Bud, Not Buddy by Christopher Curtis.

Carry On, Mr. Bowditch by Jean Lee Latham.

Carver: A Life in Poems by Marilyn Nelson.

Children of the Atom by Wilmar Shiras.

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon.

Deliver Us From Normal by Kate Klise.

Do Hard Things: A Teenage Rebellion Against Low Expectations by Alex and Brett Harris.

Einstein: A Life in Science by John Gribbin and Michael White.

Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine.

Emma-Jean Lazarus Fell Out of a Tree by Lauren Tarshis.

Encyclopedia Brown, Boy Detective by Donald Sobol.

The Facts and Fictions of Minna Pratt by Patricia MacLachlan.

Fairest by Gail Carson Levine.

Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes.

Forever Changes by Brendan Halpin.

Geeks: How Two Lost Boys Rode the Internet Out of Idaho by Jon Katz.

Gifted Hands: The Ben Carson Story by Ben Carson.

Good Enough by Paula Yoo.

The Great Brain by John Fitzgerald.

Harriet the Spy by Louise Fitzhugh.

A Hope in the Unseen: An American Odyssey from the Inner City to the Ivy League by Ron Suskind.

Ida B: . . . and Her Plans to Maximize Fun, Avoid Disaster, and (Possibly) Save the World by Katherine Hannigan.

Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach.

Kids Inventing! A Handbook for Young Inventors by Susan Casey.

The Know-It-All: One Man's Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World by A.J. Jacobs.

Leonardo's Notebooks by Leonardo da Vinci (edited by Anna Suh).

Letters From Rapunzel by Sara Lewis Holmes.

Libby on Wednesday by Zilpha Keatley Snyder.

Maizon at Blue Hill by Jacqueline Woodson.

Matilda by Roald Dahl.

Millicent Min, Girl Genius by Lisa Yee.

More Than a Test Score: Teens Talk About Being Gifted, Talented, and Otherwise Extra-ordinary by Robert Schultz and James Delisle.

The Mysterious Benedict Society by Trenton Lee Stewart.

The Mysterious Case of the Allbright Academy by Diane Stanley.

My Thirteenth Winter by Samantha Abeel. (I had the opportunity to see Samantha Abeel give a keynote address at Edufest a couple of summers ago. It was absolutely fascinating to hear her real-life account of what it's like to be both gifted and learning disabled, or "twice exceptional.")

The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster.

Pride of the Peacock by Stephanie Tolan.

Rocket Boys by Homer Hickam (also titled "October Sky"). (Also an AWESOME movie!)

Saving Lilly by Peg Kehret.

The School for Cool by P. G. Kain.

Seeing Emily by Joyce Lee Wong.

Smart Talk: What Kids Say About Growing Up Gifted by Robert Schultz and James Delisle.

The Snowflake Man: A Biography of Wilson A. Bentley by Duncan Blanchard.

Some Day Angeline by Louis Sachar.

Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli.

Surviving the Applewhites by Stephanie Tolan.

The Teenagers' Guide to School Outside the Box by Rebecca Greene.

The Triple Chocolate Brownie Genius by Deborah Sherman.

The View From Saturday by E. L. Konisburg.

Walt Disney: An American Original by Bob Thomas.

The Wright Brothers: How They Invented the Airplane by Russell Freedman.

A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle.

More good lists of other possible books for this purpose can be found at the following links:
Hoagies' List of Books Featuring Gifted Children Gifted Kids, Gifted Characters, and Great Books Books for Gifted Children Featuring Gifted Children Film and Fiction Dealing with Giftedness
GT World Reading Lists (click the "Books" link)
Mind the Gap: Engaging Gifted Readers Juvenile & Young Adult Fiction & Biography: Giftedness Resources for Students
To learn more about using bibliotherapy with gifted children, try these articles:
Nurturing Social and Emotional Development in Gifted Teenagers Through Young Adult Literature Using Biography to Counsel Gifted Young Women Guiding the Gifted Reader Using Books to Heal and Enthuse Gifted Students Role Models in Books and Movies Gifted Fictional Characters
And check out this great book as a further resource: Some of My Best Friends Are Books by Judith Wynn Halsted.

Happy reading!

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Using Bibliotherapy with Gifted Children

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Hopefully we've all had that experience of reading a book that powerfully "spoke" to us, a book whose characters we could relate to, and whose struggles and triumphs we identified with.

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Why are so many gifted children also highly sensitive?

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Why are so many gifted children also highly sensitive?

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Why Are So Many Gifted Children Also Highly Sensitive? - Institute for Educational Advancement

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An explanation of what it means to be highly sensitive, as well as a summary of the many pros and some cons of being a HSP.

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Top 10 Books on Giftedness compiled by Noreen H. Joslyn, LISW, ACSW