# data[].attributes.body
You're a shitty role model

Fuck addiction when you smoke

I smell like shit

could I blame it all on you?

You yell at me in the car

Turn down the music

and call me dumb

Marlboro in hand

I'm half surprised you haven't killed yourself already

I apologize, Yes sir yes sir

I'm so tired of this tango

# data[].attributes.body
I am in the between of

changing and wanting to change

Not strong enough to choose

But by not choosing

I still have made a choice

The habits I keep

The company I persuade

Others try with me

But I am a flame

Ready to burn and burn out

Feeding on others insecurities

Feeding on them like flies to shit

You can try as hard as possible

but the truth will always evade you

People will grow tired

and you can't help it if you

can't choose

You can't help it.

But you could.

# data[].attributes.body
Sometimes

A shitty word
i use it all of the time
im never just sad or just happy
i hate it
no consistancy except constant chaos
i think ive suffered enough
just give me consistancy
just give me something to rely on.

# data[].attributes.body
my soul feels worn like leather boots
wrinkled up and smelly, discolored
Many days fade into the same feeling
and the ones that dont bring a waterfall
the highest high of my life juxtaposes with the next day like poetry
my life is bad poetry
and im falling
because last night i was wanted
and now i am withheld from touch
i want to vomit.

# data[].attributes.body
the only time im free
is when no one needs me
but when im truly alone
i feel caged in my own solidarity
so how do i live in my own hypocrisy
neither alone nor surrounded are me
its either life or death
of my soul, aftermath of the loneliness
its either life or death
the panic of the public
and publicity, ill never let anyone know
that i am most alive when i question my life
in my room alone
and death dances around me a tango

# data[].attributes.body
i dont even want the person
just the feeling
i chase him because
he made me feel wanted, relaxed, safe
for one night
i cry because it couldnt last forever
i cry because the carrot
so precariously hung above my head
lowered slightly
and then bounced back up
so now i chase the memories
and the feelings i wont have again
i feel dull
and dull
and dull
and dull
and this is a really bad low for me
its like i jumped off the highest cliff
i want to be happy again
i want to feel like homecoming night
i want to feel it so badly
my world is so dull compared to that night
so dull

# data[].attributes.body
its embarrassing what i will do
while im chasing happiness
the things ill say
to get a pinch of the reason
for living still
dont talk about it
or else ill get depressed again

# data[].attributes.body
i need a hug
i'm in a bubble
i need a hug
preferably from someone
of the same species
or just someone
who doesn't mind.

# data[].attributes.body
im on an endless treadmill
not going anywhere
still walking
still walking
not going anywhere
still walking
still walking
if i close my eyes i can pretend
theres progress
theres progress
and when i open them again
i know the truth
i have progressed nowhere
im where i started in the first place
so i turn the treadmill off
and walk away.

# data[].attributes.body
there is a you shaped hole
missing in my heart
a chunk of you that it misses
my heart misses you

its lonesome to know i made the wrong choice
i thought i didnt want it
i thought i didnt want it
but i was wrong, i want you
and now i cant go back

to wake up in the mornings
and expect a call
just to be reminded
that i'm not longer mrs. mallard
but louise

to see your body
dance in front of me days prior
and know that it was me
who slammed the knife in your back
and it was me who ruined your songs
it was all me, me, me

to not cry at the thought of you
or even the absence
you are missing, missing
i am missing you
and i am missing
and now im gone.

so slam slam into me
i cant go back i know
tell another girl when you get her
she's the prettiest one you will ever know
and if we are friends by then i'll say
was it i who taught you love?
was it i who taught you lies?

i was too hasty and now my choice is made
it mightve been right but i dont know
my heart aches to know what ive done
are you ok?
i dont know if it hurts worse
to know that you're depressed
or fine.

# data[].attributes.body
-regular poem

The cold wind whips
Across my face
Like a punishment

# data[].attributes.body
-regular poem

maybe i can't change
and this is just it for me

# data[].attributes.body
-regular poem

it's the worst
when he avoids your eyes
instead of meeting them
and turns his head.

# data[].attributes.body
-regular poem

It feels like
valentines day again
teachers pity me,
i pity myself

i saw him
with his someone
im without
lonely crowd

i threw him a bone
he chased
he kept on
until he knew

im the other girl
the side dish
the best friend
the second choice

i don't even like him
i dont even want him
what do i want
what do i want?

# data[].attributes.body
-regular poem

nothing ive experienced
nothing loved I
nothing and nothing
and life i lived not

old not I
rules hold me back
young am I
too young to know

too young too grow
i write what?
what i write is inane
insanely stupid

nothing ive experienced
im a kid
what do i know
except reverse sentence syntax.

# data[].attributes.body
-regular poem

it is no time to care
to cry, wait by
he'll be soon due
leave you awake

you can start with the end
you can even pretend
he loves you, he cares
he's a ghost.  a shadow

when will you be 1st?
never enough effort
you don't know what
to do to reach it

i have no social cues
and no one gives me any clues
i overstep by a mile
im tired of running

i don't dance
i don't tango
i don't prance
how do i love?

# data[].attributes.body
-regular poem

whats the point of existence

i dont really exist in it

always worry bout myself

i am unable to socialize

i burn my burdens with isolation

i beg everyone to leave

i complain and judge and hate

i some days would rather die than cause this pain

i change like twice a day

a new face a new person

i dont care at all really

until i look at other people, i know they're better

i am superficial and greedy

my worth is based on the feelings of others

my face always changes always changes always changes

i don't know anything

i am so smart but devoid of any knowledge

i dont know what my own person is

my personality is a void, it shapeshifts

why do i exist except for the laughter of others

everything changes in all the wrong ways

and stays

i have nothing to experience

i have nothing

i have not a single thing

and then i pretend that i do

that i am better than others

that people want me

it's all a trick

a trick to keep myself thinking and thinking

and thinking i can't help but hate

i am the black

and the hole

and the thing that consumes

i don't what it's like to be human

i don't know anything

i dont know.

and even here i just keep writing

its useless to write it down

i don't change anything

i dont fix or try or whatever

my life is an excuse i keep sharing with others

i have nothing to talk about

my sob story makes me stupid

im so stupid i can't do anything right

the only thing keeping me from reaching over and swallowing pills

is the fact that this poem is due.

# data[].attributes.body
-regular poem

my house is unstable (it waves
in the wind carefree)
my house (it's rickety)
it does not need

and it dies (slowly, quickly)
it dies, dies (dies)

my (house) heart
it creaks, windows barred
(it knows no trust)
my (house bends like a tree, swaying
side to side) love is seizure

my owner (quiet, loud, boastful, proud)
died too
no one (to sweep, to love) to clean up
no one at all

it is deathly silent
my house is still
my house broke down
and fell with the wind
(it's carefree).

# data[].attributes.body
-regular poem

i look at my poems
i see no change
i cant believe im the same
two years ago, still the same

no brain
no heart
no love
not real

im the same
im still the same, i hate it.

# data[].attributes.body
-regular poem

my hands hurt
from the constant stretch
the pull, push

i don't like working out
i like it when im done
i see the results
and i feel uglier

my face gets red
tomatoes
my belly still flabs
pudgy

I don't like working out
its only fun until it hurts
it hurts a lot.

# data[].attributes.body
-regular poem

If I was enough
I think I'd be happy
To be a someone
How sappy.

Is it me
Is it me
Is it me
Is it me?

Maybe I just
Will never be
Enough for people
Not to leave.

# data[].attributes.body
-regular poem

It was hard at first
to think at last
to write down ideas
all good and all bad

it needs to be good
better than best
i treat my poetry
like an imaginative test

i spellcheck my words
i capitalize
i groom my grammar
and delete my slurs

it needs to have meaning
it needs to be hard
it needs to be easy
mushing like lard

my poems are like
a bad metaphor
my poems are too short
and way too long

i want pretty
out of every ugly thing
save all my ideas
and turn into A's.

# data[].attributes.body
-regular poem

At best, I'm not
I manage second
You claw your way
Up to the heavens

Reaching for first
Between both hands
Are you happy
With where you stand?

What you did
Who you demolished
What it took
For you to be accomplished

Are you happy
Being first
The best
The best?

Are you happy
Being better
Being better
Than the rest?

# data[].attributes.body
-regular poem

I didn't get what I wanted
So now I'm sad
Gonna throw a tantrum
For what I should've had.

# data[].attributes.body
-idefk

Isn't it depressing
Sharing your heart
With someone else
Just for them to pick
Someone else.

Isn't it literally so sad
You weren't even dating
But you got a taste
Of what it could've been.

God, I wish that was me
I wish I was her
Even for a day
To be with someone

Someone who sees you
Who listens to you
Who wants you
But not enough.

# data[].attributes.body
-regular poem

I don't know what rotting
feels like
But it sure smells awful
to me

Maybe that's why people
tend to
Stay away from
me.

# data[].attributes.body
-regular poem

I guess interesting people
sometimes need
a boring friend
in their lives.

# data[].attributes.body
-regular poem

what am I even working for?

all my life i had
this imaginary goal
of a college

i struggled and stretched
my bones till they broke
i strained my eyes
to see the answers

i trained my back
to enter 1st position: scoliosis
i fought with my brain
and the plan i made

i get great grades
i work till the dawn
I barely have a social life
what was it for?

i don't even know

i just found out
that i could go
to a normal in state college
ivy is way out of my league

i can't even believe it
i always thought i
needed to go to the
best university

what was all of that hard work for?

# data[].attributes.body
-regular poem

I hate big groups
or groups in general
I feel like they expect
me to talk and think for them

no thanks.

# data[].attributes.body
-regular poem?

Sometimes, I talk too much

Sometimes, I talk too much

Sometimes, I talk too much

Sometimes, I talk too much

Sometimes, I talk too much

# data[].attributes.body
-regular poem

Thinking about
it now
I was fooled
I was foolish
I used to love her
but to her
we just used
to be friends

# data[].attributes.body
-regular poem

whoosh and wish
are not the same
whoosh is a feeling
and wish is an absence of one.

# data[].attributes.body
-regular poem ig

Sometimes I get
an intense feeling
I breathe in and out
I'm quiet again

I distract myself
with busy work
and tirelessly stretch
every muscle of my brain

I think up new things
original and authentic
and sometimes, I think
the sadness washes back in

I usually am blank
so I don't feel any thing
but when I speak or think
a cluster seems to linger

Words break down to letters
And thoughts break me down.
All the way down.

# data[].attributes.body
-regular poem

I think some kind of calm
washed over me
like the waves of the tide
which the moon absently pulls
I think some kind of serenity
Or busy-ness made me
forget how sad I was
for a little bit.

# data[].attributes.body
-regular poem

If it's not
a feeling felt
then was there ever
a feeling there

if you're not
obsessed with me
then were you ever
in love with me?

you speak words
without any weight
treat me like a girl
like a friend; quaint.

if i'm pretty
then love me
if we're friends
let's stay quaint

picturesque
landscape friends
cause portrait style
leaves loose ends.

# data[].attributes.body
showtime.
-acrostic
-every letter is a new line of the poem

Showtime, it's almost time
How I've rehearsed and practiced my role
Over and over my lines
Wait for the crowd, it'll be big
Try not to freeze, you've got this
I see the stage, the crowd filing in
My heart hammers with anticipation,
Excitement.

# data[].attributes.body
-regular poem

there is a great dissonance
ringing in my ears
telling me blaring things
wringing out tears

there is a great dissonance
ringing in my ears
it fills me up with pain
and tells me all my fears

there is a great dissonance
ringing in my ears
it's frequencies turn
it's all i ever hear

there is a great dissonance
ringing in my ears
wringing out my thoughts
for months, days, and years.

# data[].attributes.body
-regular poem

I feel alone.
it's 2 am
and i feel alone
i think it's time for me
to go to bed

but i'm not tired
and if i shut my eyes
i think i'll die.

(don't take seriously.  just for the art.)

# data[].attributes.body
-regular poem
-half of it rhymes and the other half doesn't.  idk don't ask me.

i always struggle with internal value because
when i look inside, it's dark and empty.
i'm blinded by the pitch-black hole in my chest
oozing out self-hatred whenever it beats.

and i'm always lonely, always alone
the room in which i sleep in
is always dark and unkempt
but when it's clean, i never feel quite satisfied.

every time i take a shower and
comb through my hair
i take my frustration out on my scalp
and wish it would burn

and every time i get out of the shower
to look in the damn misty mirror
repulsion runs thick through my veins
the desire to break is always there.

i surround myself with foes, yet no friends
i trick myself until the very end
i give others the same advice i should take
"to love myself with every single mistake"

but it's hard when all you feel is gloom
and can never step out of your room
and the only solace is feeling full
because the hole in your stomach told you so

emptiness remains in my heart
whenever i feel jaunty, it stalks, haunting.
i can hardly ever hear it skip anymore
it sits, making it's futile thumps

and yet, while i write, i blame my room, my looks
my bookshelves decrepit without books
and though there's only one to blame
and she happens to fall under my name.

# data[].attributes.body
-haiku
-5-7-5 syllable scheme

you're not cool because
you think that word-play is real
funny, but it's not

# data[].attributes.body
-lyrics
- C#maj7, D#7, Cm7

The mistakes in what you wrote in your notes
Told me it was over.
and the half hugs, half-lies
half-truths, have to be a sign
don't have to tell me twice.

i can read it in your eyes
in your smile, while you hand me my things
it was a quiet afternoon, on a sunny day
Now i'm stuck in a downpour of things to say.

But i'm silent.

no reason to talk
it's only getting worse
no reason to talk
i'm a corpse in a hearse
you love me or not?
not how we rehearsed
ignorance is bliss
cause im scared of getting hurt.

no reason to talk
you're only upset
no reason to talk
it's just in my head
you love me a lot

cause that's what you said

you love me so much
but that's all in my head.

i'm scared of closure
it just means we're getting closer
to being over
to being a loner.

# data[].attributes.body
-regular poem

shame and guilt
eats at your stomach
at your bones and throat
white hot, and repulsive

it pulls at your lungs
and burns your veins
it caresses you heart
and squeezes your pain

shameful guilt
hidden inside you
makes you scared
vulnerably impaired

it makes your features
tie up in a knot
and scars your insides
what an ugly thought

# data[].attributes.body
-regular poem

i'm tired of being sad
just want to be happy
where's my fairy-tale ending?
is it supposed to be this crappy?

i'm tired of crying
and feeling bad about myself
don't want to feel any guilt
and i don't need any of your help

you won't forgive me
so i'll forgive myself
grant me some clarity
and i'll find someone else

i won't tirelessly trip
to apologize
i've given you what you want
now i'm done crying.

i know the people
who really see me
i don't need you
i just need to forgive me

i just need my own amnesty
i don't need your stupid mercy
i'll breathe lighter than before
i'm already much better and happy.

# data[].attributes.body
-regular poem

I am alone
empty and gross
I am alone
I want to overdose

I want to sink into a hole
instead of dying of shame
I wanted my life to be full
now all I want is to be cleared of my name

I think I'll cut
or pinch at my skin
because I deserve
punishment

guilt and I just want to die die die die die die
I think this'll be the start
of my end

# data[].attributes.body
-regular poem

you don't think just speak
you don't think about her
you didn't think about her feelings
what the fuck were you thinking

how would you like it
If someone asked why you were fat
would you like that?
probably not at all.

you only talk you never think
god, you dumb bitch
why do you hurt people
time and time again

you will never make friends
if you never make ends meet
with your brain and your mouth
can't be nice when you're uncouth.

# data[].attributes.body
-regular poem

you once thought
you were worth it
but now your life's a fail
others see you as frail

inescapable jail
in which you're wondering
when it will all end
because you're almost dead

you're almost dead
but still 10% alive
slaving through daily work
with not much strive

you're writing your will
because there's not much in you left
and everything is bleak
and you feel unkempt

you're almost dead
but still alive
on the last day
of your life

# data[].attributes.body
rip me apart.

-acrostic
-every letter is a new line of the poem
-TW for gore

Rake your hands across my skin, my flesh awaiting your rightful sin.
I am but a simple toy, for you to
Play, no lust is coy.

Make me bleed with bloody hands, suffocate me with a hungry desire.
Eat my heart with

A fork and knife, watch it drool, oozing out life.
Part by part, tendon by bone, don't leave
Anything left undone.
Rake my eyes out of my head and pat me
Til i'm defined dead.

# data[].attributes.body
madeline.

-acrostic
-every letter is a new line of the poem

My life is made up

And summarized in stanzas of four letter lines that only sometimes rhyme.  People

Don't like my poetry because it's hard to understand, and it's like,

Epidemically depressing.

Lowkey, the shit that

I write makes people want to get about as far away as possible without being rude.  They

Never want to hang out with me after that because my depression is sort of contagious and it gets

Everywhere.

# data[].attributes.body
-limerick
-AABBA rhyme scheme

hello, my name is depression!
i invade people with a hazy obsession.
you can't define me,
control or confine me,
(you're) merely an object in my possession.

i hate limericks.

# data[].attributes.body
-regular poem

stop giving me roses
when all i want is you
if you're being nice,
who are you trying to fool?

come up to my door
knock 3 times
tell me that you love me
you're only telling lies

damp hair and damp clothes
soft skin, juxtapose
cold eyes, warm tongue
pretty flowers make ugly love

you're just a fine gentleman
always sentimental, man
if you love me, come and love me
don't throw me a flower's bloody head

if i wanted a rose, i'd go find one
you're not my type, yet we make love
too bad i only look shallow deep
when a sunflower is what i really need.

# data[].attributes.body
-haiku
-5-7-5 syllable scheme

I am a human-
calculator, I solve your
human math problems

I am a human-
dictionary, I write your
essays with grammar

"No need for human
feelings, they only get in
the way." I'm tired

of stepping within
boundaries, I want to be
messy, and human.

# data[].attributes.body
clusters of fogginess.

-acrostic
-every letter is a new line of the poem

Clouds form in my brain
Little clusters of fog float, calling my name
Ubiquitous words, fancy letters of
Such incredulous meaning, all wander in pairs
Tying and frying my poor brain until
Everything mushes together
Rancid piles of trivia, lyrics, and
Suicidal thoughts sit, evaporating into words (sometimes)

Open my brain to
Find rainbows and grunge and all sorts of grammatical corrections

Fictional characters
Of different whereabouts let me wander
Gateways open
Gateways close
Introspectate, because I feel like I'm merely an observer
Nominal
Efforts to clean up my unbridled thoughts
So unprecedented
So messy.

# data[].attributes.body
-regular poem

sometimes i wish i could freeze time
so i wouldn't feel so reminiscent
and so i wouldn't feel so intent
on missing it because then i do.

# data[].attributes.body
clingy.

-acrostic
-every letter is a new line of the poem

Cancerous
Love
I
Need to
Give
You my love.

# data[].attributes.body
i hate love so much.

-an acrostic
-every letter is a new line of the poem

If it could all go differently

How I would've changed for you
And I would've loved you so much.
Though it seems we weren't meant to be
Everything changes in weird ways

Like a fire singes my hands
Oh, love is a harmonious song
Vacant and empty, leaving you vain
Ever?  Never.  love.  again.

So, if you could please
Open my ears and tell me?

Maybe I could've been prettier.
Ugly hearts don't go far
Could you love me if I was pretty?
Happiness for a broken lung.

# data[].attributes.body
-haiku
-5-7-5 syllable scheme

Please tell me that you've
checked my padlet in the last
24 seconds

that I've written on
it because I can't stand the
fact that no one cares.

Wait, just remembered
that I made it so no one
could comment or like.

# data[].attributes.body
so the truth is that:

-acrostic
-every letter is a new line of the poem

So the truth is that my mom left me
On my 8th birthday

To be with some
Hobo-ass rich guy who has a house and money and basically
Everything my dad and I don't have and half of me is pretty sure he

Took it from us because he has my birthday and he has kids too which
Really freaks me out because I don't want this fake to think that I'm free real estate to be his kid which I'm most definitely NOT and I think he's just a tool; ready to be
Used just how my mom cheated on my dad and me because I sure as hell didn't want
To live like this;
He is creepy

In that way that I'd keep my children away from and DEFINITELY wouldn't date OR marry but, like, go-off cult-leader;  I'm
Sorta confused as

To why the
Hell my mom would get with
An essentially crazy guy and leave a perfectly normal family behind but kudos
To you mom

# data[].attributes.body
isn't it nice when you're alone?

-acrostic lyrics.
-every letter is a new line of the lyrics.

I look for others' attention
Solely based on my failing retention
Never fully comprehended
This pain can never be mended

I can pack my bags, wait for the rain
The downpour will surely strike again

No one to seek when all is said
If only I wasn't my only friend.
Couldn't you please stay a night?
Everything is blurry in my sight

Water washes and wishes me this way
Hindering myself here for another lonely day
Enthrall me with your presence,
Nominal adolescence

You're the boy I want to love
Occasional conversations
Rundown, downpour, storm drain, clouds form
Everyone I've ever loved leaves me at some point

All alone again, in my bed, bed head
Lapses of time thread, lingering day-dread
Objectively speaking
kNew that you would be leaving
End it all with a song, I'm overdosing to your song.

(don't take seriously. Figurative piece of work)