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The Miseducation of the Vietnamese-American Girl

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I spent the large majority of my childhood under my Bà Ngoại's care and influence. My parents were at work, so she was always at our house to watch my sisters and I. She would feed us, play with us, and preach to us certain values. I love her deeply, but at times, her presence was suffocating. Much like the boys in "The Miseducation of the American Boy" by Peggy Orenstein, I felt trapped in her narrow view of how a girl should behave. A girl should speak in a soft, gentle voice. A girl should never attempt any heavy lifting. A girl should understand that her responsibility is housework.

At a young age, my Bà Ngoại was miseducating me to be a subordinate wife for my future husband.

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My mom and my grandma would get into fights often when I was younger. I hated when they fought because it meant the two women I looked up to were at odds. But those fights were for my benefit because they gave me glimpses into my mom's childhood, which can act as real-life examples of Marilyn Frye's "Oppression". My mom grew up saddled with all the housework because she was the only daughter in the family. I learned that my mom was often frustrated with this and whenever she would try to express her frustrations, my grandma argued it was her familial responsibility. However, my mom knew she was being unfairly treated because of her gender. My mom was being oppressed in her own family, and there was little she could do. She was young and financially unstable. Marriage was the only way my mom could be free, but that became another avenue in which she was trapped.

It was tough to learn about the ways in which my mom has been oppressed, but her experiences and wisdom taught me to not passively accept tradition. Traditional values are often harmful, so my mom taught me to be the kind of woman that pushes back and fights for something new.

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In Vietnamese, 'chị' and 'anh' are honorifics for an older sister or an older brother, respectively. 'Chanh' is a relatively new Vietnamese honorific that challenges the dichotomous way of thinking by denoting both male and female in one word.

My cousin, Chanh Tốtồ, was my first introduction Joan Roughgarden's concept of nature's rainbow. They showed me that the world is not completely blue and pink. While doctors sex people as either male or female, those are not the only options to exist in this world. For as long as I can remember, Chanh Tốtồ has never subscribed to being male nor female. They been living freely in their truth and who they are. Chanh Tốtồ expanded for me the bounds of womanhood. It is because of them that I understand that womanhood, or personhood, can be anything I want it to be. I do not have to adhere to what society pushes onto me.

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When my Chị Hai was in the sixth grade, she learned about feminism. As the oldest sister, she naturally wanted to teach her younger sisters about this amazing, freeing, and empowering thing that is feminism. I am embarrassed to say I initially rejected feminism. In my young mind, feminists were annoying women who made an issue out of everything. However, instead of fighting back and berating me for being close-minded and woman-hating, my Chị Hai graciously and patiently let me come to feminism on my own time. She never pushed me. She never criticized me. She simply offered me all the knowledge she was learning. She believed that I would be able to see the value in feminism.

My Chị Hai taught me the key to feminism: believing that everyone has the capacity to change and being patient enough to let them.

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When starting my adult life, I was certain that I was going to be a friendless loser. I am an introvert, so I never thought I would be able to come across many meaningful relationships. My three years of college life surprised me with my dear roommates: Mary, Pajaka, and Karina. From them, I have gained insight on what it is like to be a lesbian woman, a Black woman, and a woman in STEM. Their womanhoods shape mine.

As life goes on, I am sure this cycle will never end. I will continue to meet more incredible women and they will shape who I am.