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Engagements

1. Respect Journal students will have an online respect journal where students devote a few minutes to think about the day and situations where they showed respect and consideration or other another day and situations where they should have acted differently.

2. The Respect Circle Have students stand in a circle and take turns saying something respectful about the person to their left. This game encourages positive communication and fosters a sense of community.

3. Have students write their own “It’s okay to be different” sentences and post it on a class padlet blog

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This article comes up with a lot of great ways to teach respect as an adult, such as stay calm and don’t overreact when you think a child is being disrespectful. Also to identify the cause for disrespect and focus on teaching problem solving alternatives.

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Respect is admiring or looking up to someone because that person has done something extraordinary or possesses impressive abilities. It is also an act of giving attention or showing care.

You are at a restaurant. A woman sitting at the next table snapped her fingers and yelled at the waiter,

"Hey, you brought the wrong dish. Why are you not listening? Now go and get me the right dish. NOW."

What would you think of this person?

I don't know about you, but I would think that she's being very rude and disrespectful. Why does she think she has the right to talk down to him like that?

Most people I know would not do such a thing to others, whether it's their friends or someone they don't know.

However, some feel completely entitled to talk to their children that way. A mother would snap at her son,

"Hey, I told you not to do this. Why are you not listening? Go and take a time-out. NOW."

See the irony in these two examples? Why is there such a big difference in how we treat others compared to how we treat our children?

So, the meaning of respect goes deeper than just saying "Yes, Sir," "Yes, Madam," or being compliant.

The feeling of respect needs to come from within, and you cannot force someone to respect you.

It's easy to define respect for kids. But explaining respect to a child involves more than just telling them its definition.

We cannot teach respect by being disrespectful to our children.

How To Teach Kids Respect

Here are 6 things you can do to get kids to listen to and respect parents.

1. Stay calm and don't overreact when you think your child is being disrespectful

The other day, my daughter was eating cookies and wanted to enter my room. Crumbs came out of her mouth as she took every bite. I told her not to go into my room with the cookies.

I repeated that request at every step she took on the 14-step staircase. I said it one more time when she was at my door. She ignored it and entered my room with cookies in her hands and crumbs on my floor.

I was angry. I exploded and yelled, "Didn't you hear that I asked you not to come in with cookies?"

She looked at me, turned around, and left my room.

So what is the lesson?

That yelling and only yelling works with kids who don't listen, right?

Wrong.
She didn't listen to me because she couldn't listen to me. I was not in front of her, making eye contact and ensuring she was paying attention to what I said.
Instead, I just sat at my desk and shouted my command while she was fully immersed in tasting the yummy cookies.

Any leftover focus was spent on making sure she didn't fall down the stairs.

She simply couldn't pay any attention to me until she entered the room and saw me.

However, from my perspective, I thought she heard everything I said but ignored me. I thought she was purposely disrespecting me and my request.

So I was angry. My emotions took over. Instead of looking into why she acted that way, I yelled at her.
I was being disrespectful to her.
I was shouting to her from another room, not caring whether I was interrupting what she was doing or not.

And when she didn't meet my expectations, I acted rudely toward her.

I showed her that I only cared about my own needs. I showed her that when you were frustrated, you could be rude and disrespectful.

That was the wrong message.

I showed her an example of disrespect.
I was not a good role model in having empathy and self-control. I was certainly not a good example of respect.
Granted, there are often situations where disrespectful kids do outrageous or disrespectful things, but it could be because they don't know any better at that age or they miss the cue.

That's where we, the parents, come in to teach them.

Teaching respect to children cannot be done using a disrespectful manner.

To teach respect, first, we must stay calm and in control. Identify if this is a real "disrespect" situation, a misunderstanding, a toddler tantrum, or simply because the child hasn't learned the proper response in such a situation.

2. Identify the cause for disrespect and focus on teaching problem-solving alternatives

When genuinely disrespected, we must pay attention to the circumstance instead of going off on the child, "You are being disrespectful!"
Ask your child why they act that way.
Last weekend, my almost 4.5-year-old finally achieved a major "milestone."She called me a bad mom.

She had never called me that before; we had never called her a bad girl.

So she didn't learn to say that until she heard her friends say it recently.

For most parents, that is very disrespectful for a child to say.

Justifiably, many of them become upset or angry. They would reply, "How dare you! You are not allowed to talk to me that way. I'm your mother/father!"

These parents are upset. They are called names, and they are hurt.

You may see these words as signs your child doesn't respect you.

But what is the child's intention when they say that?
Disrespectful kids usually say that because they are angry. Someone and it's usually you, hurt them. So, out of instinct, they want to hurt you back.
It is usually not malicious because kids (and grownups) cannot think straight when angry. They just reflexively want to fight back to protect themselves; in this case, they use hurtful words.

I asked my daughter, "Why did you say that? Was it because you were angry?" She nodded.

"Were you angry because I didn't let you have more cookies?" She nodded again. I nodded sympathetically, too.

With my acknowledgment, I could see her seething anger start to dissipate.

"Well, I understand you are upset. But that doesn't mean I am a bad mom. If other kids are mad at you for something you have done, does it make you a bad girl?" She shook her head determinedly.

"OK, then you are not a bad girl because other people are upset. So I am not a bad mom because you are angry, right?" She nodded slowly, like she was trying to absorb my words.

At that point, I went on to address her needs.

She was angry because her needs were not met.

I asked her to think of other ways to get what she needed instead of calling me names.

I explained to her that hurting others that way couldn't help reduce her anger or solve her problem.
By naming and narrating my child's emotions, I helped her understand where her anger came from, taught her vocabulary to describe her emotions, and gave her tools to solve problems. I also showed her that even in conflict situations, you could stay calm, keep a clear head and respond respectfully.
Disagreement can take place without being disrespectful.

Isn't this much better than screaming, "How dare you!" which only addresses the parent's own needs to feel respected?

Check out How to Deal with an Angry, Disrespectful Child for more ideas on handling the disrespect issue.

3. Model how to be respectful by respecting your kids first
What better way to teach a behavior than modeling the behavior you want to teach?
Show them how to respect by respecting them.

I don't mean calling them sir or madam or bowing to them. Just treat your child as a person like you treat other grownups.
For example, respect their preferences.
I've heard a father yell at his son for eating the inside of a pie first before the crust because that was the wrong way to eat a pie. True story.

It is ridiculous how some parents want complete control over their child's behavior and preferences.

Most of us are not this extreme, but we still do some variations of preference policing. But if you want your child to respect you, start with respecting their choices.

Everyone has their preferences.

As much as I want my little one to be a mini-me and like the same things I do, she is not. My child has her own liking.

If I don't like what she wants, I will explain my rationale.

But ultimately, she has to learn to make decisions for herself.

As long as her choice is not dangerous to safety or health, is not (too) financially consuming, and does not hurt others, I honor it.

That is why I let her make her own choices in things such as her own outfits.

She often ends up going to her preschool wearing mismatched socks, pajamas under dresses, a shirt under/over a dress, etc.

Every person has the right to think independently and like different things. That should include children.

When children's differences are accepted, they feel heard and respected.
They see first-hand how to treat others who have different opinions. They learn that they should respect people despite their differences.
When the teenage years come, this understanding and tolerance for differences are how to get your teenager to respect you.

That's when everything Mom and Dad say will sound stupid to them.

You want your teenager to know how to tolerate differences and still respect and appreciate you!

Also See: How To Deal With Teenage Attitude

4. Use kind and firm discipline to teach, not punish

Discipline means to teach or to train. Discipline does not mean punishment.

It doesn't have to be punitive.

In fact, studies have shown that positive discipline is a lot more effective and longer-lasting than punitive strategies.

If we discipline using a menacing or stern tone when our kids have done something wrong, we are showing them how to be cruel and harsh to those who make mistakes.

Who doesn't make mistakes?

Imagine if you make a silly mistake at work and the boss talks down to you in a demeaning way. That must feel lousy, right?

Would any of us, therefore, have more respect for this boss?

No, right?

The same with children; being harsh or using punitive punishment will not earn us respect.

But positive discipline is different from being "soft" or permissive.

One can be firm and kind at the same time when disciplining. Setting firm boundaries and sticking to them are the keys to successful discipline.

5. Give respect to earn respect

Parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world.

Parents spend so much effort, time, and money caring for their little ones.

Their entire lives changed and started to revolve around their children the moment they were born.

It is only natural that we expect kids to respect their parents.

But little children don't understand all this. And to be fair, they didn't ask us to do all this! We decided to take on these responsibilities.
We decided to have kids. Kids didn't decide to have parents.
If we don't respect them but at the same time expect them to respect us, that is just hypocritical. Think about a chain smoker telling his child not to smoke. How effective is that?!

Respect cannot be demanded. It can only be earned. So, earn it!

How to earn respect?...

Give your child real reasons to respect you by being a good role model.
Model good behavior, such as being respectful to everyone, including our children.
6. Apologize when you mess up

Not that I'm saying I'm never harsh to my child.

As mentioned, I do sometimes shout when I'm at my wit's end.

So I get it. I understand the occasional outbursts in the heat of the moment, especially when we're dead tired doing all sorts of grownup stuff, like working, housekeeping, and what else, parenting.

Despite that, I will never use it as the default way to treat my child, nor will I justify doing so as OK or necessary.

When I did lose it, I would give myself a time-out to calm down.

Afterward, I explained to her why I had been so upset before.

I taught her that having emotions was normal, but shouting was not OK. I felt guilty, and I said sorry to her.
A mature, respectful grownup accepts responsibility and apologizes when he or she makes mistakes.
Apologizing to your child does not undermine your authority as a parent.

On the contrary, you are reinforcing your authority and credibility. You are demonstrating integrity and building trust with your child through your parenting style.

Final Thoughts

Treating children disrespectfully will make them lose respect for us (think about the mean boss example above).

If you're lucky and your kids are not the stubborn type, you may get temporary compliance out of them, which may seem like respect.
But it is not.
Years later, when they're all grown up, you may wonder why your grown children don't have respect for you anymore.

They probably never did.

They were only being compliant when they were kids. And you have modeled the lack of respect well since their childhood.

Admittedly, I sometimes wondered if I should go the "easy" route to save myself some time and frustration after telling my daughter not to make a mess a gazillion times.

But every time I was tempted to take such a shortcut, I reminded myself how I hated it when I was treated like that as a child and how it would only earn me disrespect.

"Who says parenting is easy?"

With this thought, I took a deep breath, recomposed myself, and explained the gazillion-first time why it was not OK for her to do that.

It is certainly not easy to do everything I listed.

What helps is understanding why we parent the way we do. Only when we self-reflect on ourselves can we model introspection to our children.

Our childhood affects how we parent, no matter how much we want to deny it.

Even those who have had a happy childhood may still have unresolved issues that prevent them from being the best parents they can be.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

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What Is Respect? Definition for Kids and 6 Highly Effective Ways To Teach

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See the respect definition for kids and the 6 highly effective ways to teach them while building a strong relationship and happy family.

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This article discusses different aspects of respect such as why is respect important?, what does respect look like? Signs of a disrespectful relationship, and how can disrespect impact your relationships? I love the aspect of teaching them about respect in relationships because there can be a lot of bullying in elementary school, so its important to teach them that’s not acceptable.

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Respect is the glue that holds your relationships together. Learn ways to be respectful and know what to do when somebody isn't respectful toward you.

I'm being disrespected... what can I do?

Sometimes we find ourselves not feeling respected by other people, including our family or friends.

While it's not always possible to change somebody and make them respect you, there are some things you can try:

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Respect is the glue that holds your relationships together. Learn ways to be respectful and know what to do when somebody isn't respectful toward you.

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In this video it shows students acting out a lot different ways they could be disrespectful during school. This could be a good video to show students and have them decide what to do differently to be respectful. This allows students to actually see in action what it means to be a respectful person.

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Respect for others - How to behave at school, how to treat others and teach good manners

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This videos is teaching students that being respectful means treating someone with kindness and care and acting as if you care about their well being. Shaking hands, making eye contact, speaking kindly, are all respectful qualities that teachers should remind students of especially in the first few weeks of school.

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Interrupting Chicken is a story upon a daddy chicken reading a goodnight story to his son, throughout the story the son keeps interrupting daddy chicken, he doesn’t seem to realize this is disrespectful. This is a great story to read about being respectful in the classroom especially where a lot of interrupting and calling out takes place.

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This story has one line throughout the entire book, It’s okay to be _______, and it lists a bunch of different ways in which it is okay to be different. This book helps teach children to be respectful of each other's differences and that theres nothing wrong will being different. It teaches acceptance and respect for each other.

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This story is about two different colors blue and yellow who fall in love and have a green “baby”. They face a lot of criticism from the other colors, who believe that different colors shouldn’t be together. This story is great for young children to introduce the topic of not judging others based on their appearance.

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Chrysanthemum is a book about a girl that gets teased about her name, the constant teasing makes Chrysanthemum very sad. When a new teacher comes along with a very long name, the girls that teased her start to regret it. This story in a lesson of how we should always be respectful to others even if they are different from us.

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In this story, everyone told Lily Hippo she was too loud, everyone was telling her to be quite. Everyone was always upset with her because of how loud she was. Lily then gets a new teacher who enjoys her loudness. This story shows having respect for someone qualities can give the person a boost of confidence.

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In this book Miss Nelson is a very sweet teacher dealing with a class that doesn’t listen to what she says and is always disrespecting her. Miss Nelson ends up “leaving” and the students get a new teacher Ms. Viola Swamp, who is very strict with the children. The teacher learn their lesson in lack of respect leads to harsher consequences.

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Subtopic #4 - Respect

Inquiry Questions

1. What is respect?

2. How can we be respectful in the classroom?

3. How can we be respectful at home?

4. What are the benefits of respect?

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Engagements

1. Students will do a book report on a book on perseverance and how they can or cannot relate to what is happening to the story.

2. Students will create a portfolio of assignments, perhaps a test where they got a lower grade and then weeks later got a higher one. They will write me a letter on how they persevered to get their grade up.

3. We will create a class blog on advice we can give ourselves when we want to give up and not persevere.

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This article discusses what parents can do at home to help promote perseverance. Setting small goals to not overwhelm the child, normalize mistakes so the childs self esteem doesn’t take a hit if things don’t do their way. Help the child figure out their feelings don’t make them do it all on their own.

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5 Ways to Practice Perseverance as a Family | Parenting Tips & Advice

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Kids may approach how to try their best and not give up differently based on their interests and experiences. Try these five ways to practice perseverance.

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This article discusses the value of perseverance especially at an early childhood age. The ability to persevere and overcome challenges is key to success in work and personal relationships. I talks about how its important as the adults to make encouraging comments to them about their perseverance.

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Developing perseverance in preschoolers: Here’s what to know

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Perseverance is the ability to overcome obstacles and the desire to continue to work toward a goal or task even when challenges are involved.

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This video shows how we can persevere through a subject we may not enjoy at school. Some subjects may come more easily than others to certain students, teaching them that not everything we do is going to be enjoyable and easy, but that doesn’t mean its less valuable.

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Perseverance (1 of 3) | Social Emotional Learning for kids

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This video starts with children explaining the definition of perseverance, some of them note that they’ve heard this word in their classroom.  Students give examples of things they persevere through such as finishing their homework, tying their shoes and they think of what could’ve happened if they didn’t persevere.

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PBS KIDS Talk About: Perseverance | PBS KIDS

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A lonely little girl, just wants someone to spend time with her and play, but everyone is busy. She creates her own adventure by using a red marker and drawing a magic door on her wall that takes her on a grand journey filled with wonder, adventure and danger.  The only way she can make it back home is if she can find the courage and perseverance to do so!

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This book is about Bravery,  When her friends start using a tall tree as a “pirate ship”, Lou isn’t so sure about climbing the tree. She comes up with lots of excuses for why she can’t join her friends, but in the end she gives it a try.

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Brave Irene is a book about a little girl named Irene whos mother gets sick and cannot deliver a dress. Irene takes it upon herself to deliver the dress in a snowstorm. This story is a lesson of a selfless deed as well as perseverance.

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After his famous fall, Humpty is afraid of heights and can’t do his favorite thing! He gives up at first, but then he overcomes his fear. This book demonstrates that fear is a big part of perseverance, anything worth accomplishing comes with a little bit of fear.

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In this book Jabari thinks that he is ready to jump off the diving board now. Jabari gets a little nervous about jumping off the diving board, but his patient dad is there to help him know when he is ready. This is a lesson in showing children theres no shame in asking for help when it comes to perseverance

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This book is about a little boy who wants to learn to whistle, he struggles so hard to whistle to call his dog. He doesn’t give up in the story, I feel this is a good book to use for children because whistling is a skill that a lot of children wish to accomplish.

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Subtopic #3 -  Perseverance

Inquiry Questions

1. What does Perseverance mean?

2. What ways can we persevere in the classroom?

3. What are the benefits of perseverance?

4. What will happen if we don’t persevere?

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Engagements

1. Students will be put into groups, each group will be given a different common conflict that could arise in the classroom. They will be asked to think of a way this conflict would play out as well as a resolution, and act it out in front of the class.

2. Students will be given a picture of a “Peace Rose” they will color the rose, and they will write a few sentences on something they can do to promote peace.

3. Students will create anti bullying posters with encouraging advice on how to prevent bullying

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This article provides conflict resolution activites we can use in the classroom. They mention having a “Wheel of Choice” which I thought was really neat, where kids are given different options of how they can handle conflict. The article also suggests role play, I feel this is a fun way for the student to put themselves in the other persons shoes.

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Conflict resolution activities and strategies for the classroom. Teach kids to solve problems peacefully and resolve conflicts independently.
Conflict resolution is an important skill that students need to learn - beneficial to them within the classroom as well as in everyday life. Not only will kids use conflict resolution in the classroom, they will also continue to use these skills as they grow. The conflict resolution skills they learn in elementary school will help them solve problems as adults. So how do we teach conflict resolution in the classroom?

Effective Conflict Resolution Activities for Classrooms

Children learn social-emotional skills by watching, practicing, and eventually adopting the behaviors for themselves. Below you will find ideas about what conflict and conflict resolution is, and how to teach students the various aspects of this important life skill.

What is Conflict?

Conflict is a disagreement or problem that happens between two or more people. It can happen to anyone, from best friends to enemies. Most conflicts start small, but they continue to grow, snowballing into major problems. As teachers, we can explain what conflict is, in order to effectively teach how to keep conflicts from becoming major problems in the classroom.

What is Conflict Resolution?

When there's a problem, it's important to address the problem in a peaceful way, understanding both sides of the situation. This is conflict resolution or peaceful problem solving as I like to call it in my classroom. Conflict resolution is an important skill to have, both in the classroom and in life. By helping our students practice and adopt healthy ways of solving interpersonal problems, we help them succeed in other areas of their education and life as well.

How Do You Teach Conflict Resolution?

There are many steps to teaching conflict resolution. To truly teach conflict resolution, you'll need to teach your students how to analyze the conflict. They'll need to be able to identify the problem and try to understand what's causing it.

Teach Understanding - Students need to understand what conflict is and how it can have a negative effect on a person. This type of understanding will help them know why conflict resolution is so important.

Teach Empathy - After understanding comes empathy. Once students understand conflict, they should learn to empathize with all other students involved. Conflict affects more than one person, so to resolve it, it's important to empathize with the other person's feelings

Teach Responsibility - Conflict involves more than one person. The students involved need to know how to take responsibility for their own part in the conflict. Whether they caused the problem or simply exasperated the situation, they need to admit that they were wrong and be willing to do their part to make amends.

Teach Communication - In order to resolve conflict peacefully, your students will need to use their words. Communication is vital to conflict resolution, so teach them how to talk about the issue and come to a mutually beneficial solution.

Teach Choice - Children need more than one strategy to solve a conflict independently. Talk about these different ways during a classroom meeting and have them practice different types with a friend. The 'Wheel of Choice' below offers many strategies that are simple and effective for kids.

How Can Conflict Resolution Activities Be Used in the Classroom?

Kids will always have some sort of conflict, whether big or small. The conflict between kids can be anything, whether they're fighting over a toy or pushing another student down at recess. Conflict resolution can be used in the classroom to help keep the peace between kids. When a small problem arises, such as a friend cutting them in line, your students can use what you've taught them about conflict resolution to fix the problem before it becomes more of an issue.

Teach kids a peaceful problem-solving method that they can practice and use with growing independence at school. The process involves the children following 4 simple steps to solve their conflict.

Conflict Resolution Activities

Kids learn best when they practice. This is especially true for conflict resolution. When you give your students fun ways to learn conflict resolution, they'll have a blast practicing it. The more they practice, the more it becomes second nature. If you're looking forward to teaching conflict resolution in your classroom, here are a few activities you can use to make it fun.

Role Play - A great way to teach conflict resolution is to role-play various scenarios. By acting out tough situations that might require conflict resolution, your kids have a safe place to work through the issue. You can discuss the process with them after, going through what they could do better next time. Great scenarios to role-play include resolving conflict with a bully, fixing a friendship after a fight, or getting along with a sibling.

Play a Game - Playing games with peers involves learning to get along and figuring out rules together. If issues arise during a game, they can work together calming to solve the problem and continue playing. "What the Solution?" is a fun card game to play that involves kids coming up with solutions to solve common problems.

Creative Writing - Encourage kids to write down or draw a picture to depict a story that includes a problem and a solution. This can be done as a short story or as a script. Encourage students to read or share their story with the class and allow students to talk about what they would do to resolve the same conflict.

Puppet Show - This is a wonderful activity if you have some students too shy to stand in front of the entire class. Have students work in groups to put on a puppet show. Students will have fun designing puppets, all while working together to learn how conflicts can be resolved peacefully.

Peace Maker Promise - Have children learn and sort differences between a peacemaker and peace breaker. Have them take an oath to be a peacemaker in the classroom.

Books that Teach Conflict Resolution

Reading books to your students can help you teach them about conflict resolution in a safe but fun way. The problems the characters face are oftentimes ones that your students have faced as well. As the characters journey through their problems towards resolution, children will get the chance to see a healthy way to handle conflict. Here are just a few books you can read to you students to teach conflict resolution.

Talk and Work It Out - This book, written by Cheri J. Meiners, is a great way to teach conflict resolution to students. This book focuses on using your words to solve problems instead of acting out. By teaching students to use their words, you're teaching them how to peacefully solve their problems instead of using anger and aggression.

Let's Be Enemies - Janice May Udry is the author of this book on conflict resolution. In this story, two friends become enemies due to unresolved conflict. Your students will love listening to the story as James and John work out their issues.

Give It Back! - Conflict happens at home as well as in the classroom. This conflict resolution book teaches kids how to resolve conflict with their siblings. These conflict resolution skills can be used in the classroom and on the playground as well.

Enemy Pie - One of the best outcomes you can hope for is turning an enemy into a friend. This book, written by Derek Munson, helps kids understand more about resolving problems and making friends in a creative way.

Confessions of a Former Bully - True conflict resolution requires understanding. Trudy Ludwig uses this book to help kids understand what a bully might be going through. This can help them look deeper so they can figure out why a bully might be acting out, helping them to better resolve the conflict.

There are so many fun ways to teach conflict resolution to your students. Which of these activities do you plan to use in your classroom?

Conflict Resolution Activities and Resources

FREE Responsibility Punch Cards

Catch kids when they are being independent and responsible problem solvers with a hole punch in the "Caught Being Responsible" punch cards.
Click the image below to download the FREE Responsible Punch Cards.

Responsibility & Conflict Resolution Curriculum

The Responsibility SEL Curriculum includes 5 lessons and many activities that teach children about responsibility, goal setting, conflict resolution, and anti-bullying.

mind+heart Social Emotional Learning Curriculum

The mind + heart Social Emotional Learning Curriculum includes 8 units with 5+ detailed, character education, research-based LESSONS filled with TONS of hands-on and mindful ACTIVITIES that encourage children to express themselves and build important emotional and social skills. Click HERE for more details on the program.

mind+heart SEL Morning Meeting Bundle

Transform your classroom with a daily 15 minute morning meeting. Get everything you need for a daily meeting in this HUGE bundle. Check out this year-long morning meeting resource today!
Teach Kids How to be Responsible with the Best Books and Videos Teaching Responsibility in the Classroom Growth Mindset Activities
Read more about Empowering Kids to be Responsible

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Effective Conflict Resolution Activities for Classrooms

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Conflict resolution activities and strategies for the classroom. Teach kids to solve problems peacefully and resolve conflicts independently.

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This article touches on understanding what classroom conflict is and why it happens. General strategies for handling conflict in classrooms. As well as conflicts between teacher and student that may arise and how to handle it. Steps to take if you want to meet with a student privately to discuss the conflict.

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Classroom incivility is "any action that interferes with a harmonious and cooperative learning atmosphere in the classroom" (Feldmann, 2001, p. 137). Classroom conflict is inevitable, and at times even necessary for effective learning to take place (Stone Norton, 2008). The techniques below are just a few strategies that instructors have used to create a safe classroom environment and to manage conflict as it arises.

Understand What Incivility is & why it Happens

Reflect on both your own and your students' expectations for behavior in the classroom.

Realize that students come to class with their own biases, experiences, and relationships with learning that may influence their reaction to you and your class.

Know that if incivilities are not dealt with properly, it has negative impacts on student learning.

General Strategies for Handling Conflict in Classrooms

Rather than avoid potentially charged course content, anticipate conflict and be prepared to respond.

SOAR (stop, observe, assess, react).

Acknowledge emotions ("I see that you're upset," or "I understand that this is a powerful topic for you").

Think of the moment as a learning opportunity and present it as such to students.

Focus dialogue on academic concepts rather than personal opinions.

Give students a few minutes to write a personal response to the situation. Collect these and prepare a response in the next class.

Listen and restate perspectives, especially if one student is receiving all of the heat ("What I think ____ is trying to say is...").

Meet individually with students if necessary.

If Students are Behaving in a Disruptive Manner

Observe and control your emotional reaction to feelings of being challenged or threatened.

Be aware of your body language and what you are communicating through your actions.

Address behaviors, not people.

Uphold class norms. Address issues that arise each and every time and remain consistent in how you deal with students. Refer to your own class guidelines.

Ask to speak to student(s) in private.

When Meeting Privately with Students

The following strategies are adapted from Meyers (2003):

Ask students to explain what occurred.

Listen empathetically. Acknowledge emotions by repeating what you understand their issues to be.

With student(s), brainstorm possible solutions.

Help students evaluate these solutions through comprehensive problem solving.

Create a Safe & Effective Learning Environment

Get to know students' names and interests and be open to telling them a bit about yourself.

Be available for office hours.

Take a few minutes before and after class to interact with students.

Dedicate time for community building and peer learning opportunities (i.e., ice breakers, group work).

Have students create their own goals for the class.

Make your course relevant by connecting course content to the "real world."

Include a non-discrimination policy in your syllabus.

Use your syllabus as a "class contract" and include guidelines for group work and classroom interactions.

Share authority by getting students' feedback about classroom guidelines and incorporate their contributions.

Use Inclusive Teaching Practices

Communicate clear expectations.

Incorporate diversity in choosing what texts, films, etc. students will encounter during the course.

Use a variety of teaching strategies that reach different learning modalities.

Provide various methods for students to demonstrate learning.

Learn about/reflect upon the various social identities that make up your class. Monitor how these dynamics play out in your classroom setting.

Critically reflect on your teaching practice.

Assess classroom climate periodically. Have students respond to prompts anonymously on index cards that you can collect easily for review. Some sample prompts:

I feel comfortable participating in class: Yes; Always; Sometimes; Never

One thing that would help me be more comfortable is: ___________.

Setting up & Managing Group Work

Arrange groups with intention (mix of skills, identities, and personalities). In large classes, assign randomly.

Create tasks that encourage interdependence.

Have groups create their own plans for approaching the task and dealing with potential conflict.

Include self and peer assessment as a small part of the evaluation (ratings for group work effectiveness).

Assign roles within the group and switch roles throughout.

Some Thoughts on Preventing & Managing Difficult Classroom Situations

"This study indicates that the consequences of ignoring classroom incivilities can have deleterious effects on students, as the findings support that classroom incivilities harm the classroom climate. Further, the effects of classroom incivilities extend beyond the confines of the classroom and can damage students' efforts to succeed at their institutions" (Hirschy & Braxton, 2004, p. 72).

"Conflict is inevitable in a classroom, and if not channeled appropriately conflict can damage relationships. Inclusive faculty did not attempt to minimize conflict; rather, they strived for academic conflict and disagreement (Osei-Kofi, Richards, & Smith, 2004). Conflict, if channeled correctly, allowed for more ideas to enter the sphere of learning. Inclusive faculty embraced conflict by preparing ahead for conflict resolution (Chesler et al., 2005); encouraging, if not demanding, students to respect and appreciate those who disagreed with them (Elenes, 2006); acknowledging that learning through a crisis can be beneficial (Kumashiro, 2003); challenging students' resistance to learning (Tuitt, 2003); recognizing and engaging both overt and covert forms of conflict (Sfeir- Younis, 1993); and physically reorganizing the classroom to deal with negative intergroup dynamics (Chesler et al.)" (Stone Norton, 2008, p. 37).

References

Additional Key Actions

These steps for effective communication were taken from the Cornell Harold D Craft Leadership Program.

Six Key Actions for Active Listening

Mirror/Paraphrase

Check for understanding

Probe for information and feelings

Encourage/Show empathy

Summarize

Show verbal and non-verbal attentiveness

Five Key Actions for Constructive Feedback

Convey your positive intent

Describe specifically what you have observed

State the impact of the behavior or actions

Ask the other person to respond

Focus the discussion on solutions (not blame)

Six Key Actions for Resolving Conflict

Recognize emotions

Briefly describe the problem and share your positive intentions

Actively listen and seek FIRST to understand

Share your perspective of the problem and the impact

Work together on an action plan or next steps

Check for progress and express thanks

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Getting Started with Managing Classroom Conflict

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Classroom incivility is "any action that interferes with a harmonious and cooperative learning atmosphere in the classroom" (Feldmann, 2001, p. 137). Classroom conflict is inevitable, and at times even necessary for effective learning to take place (Stone Norton, 2008).

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https://study.com/academy/lesson/teacher-student-conflict-resolution-strategies.html

This video discusses the sources of conflict in a classroom and what we can do as teachers to manage those conflicts amognst students. How it’s not good to avoid conflict, encourage students to discuss their issues without getting angry with one another and to listen to each other and be kind.

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This video shows a class working through their conflicts as a group. They discuss what conflicts happened and how we can resolve them. It seems like it is almost like group therapy for kids, I feel this is a great tool to use for social emotional learning. Students can learn what steps to take to process their emotions.

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Students Learn the Skill of Conflict Resolution in a Multi-Age Class

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Pigasso and Mootisse are celebrity artists in their towns, At first they are friendly, but then they begin to insult one another’s art. There seems to be a bit of competition between them. This book deals with differences and acceptance, they learn that even though they are different, they are better together.

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This book has to do with the conflict of excluding others because of their appearance. The other fish are confused when the big whale wants to hang out with them because he is so big they think he will eat their food. The kind whale because unkind because of the way he is being treated which teaches them a lesson to not be unkind because of someones appearance.

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This book deals with the topic of competition, Cyril and his competition, Bruce, fight over the last bit of food and don’t notice a bird who has swooped in to grab it. After they lose their food, another unfortunate series of events help Cyril and Bruce see that it’s better to share after all.

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This book focuses on teasing and bullying, a boy named Tyler is getting picked on at school. His friend Danae helps Tyler learn to stand up for himself by using the conflict resolution strategy of “a bug and a wish” to tell the boys how he’s feeling. This book is great to use for social emotional learning, so the bullies can learn about how much their words can effect the emotions of others.

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This book is about a classroom management tool used called “The Peace Rose”. Where whoever is holding “The Peace Rose”, is allowed to express their feelings, and the person who wants to go next has to wait their turn before holding the rose. I feel this is a great tool to negate fights in the classroom amongst children.

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This book has to do with a friendship fight over broken crayons, I feel this is a great book to use towards the age range I’m targeting. I see a lot of possessivness over toys and items at the elementary school age. This book shows students that its okay to be upset for a moment, but there is more value in forgiveness than fighting.

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Subtopic #2 - Conflict

Inquiry questions

1. What is conflict?

2. What are some conflicts that often arise in the classroom?

3. How can we learn to manage classroom conflicts?

4. What can we learn from conflict?

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Engagements

1. Children will write a letter to the class about their classroom job and why their classroom job is important

2. After reading “What if everybody did that”, Students will create a venn diagram of how we can be responsible at school, and how we can be responsible at home, in the middle they will write how being responsible makes them feel.

3. After reading “David gets in trouble” we will go through the book again, we will review everything David did wrong to get himself in trouble, and write down on chart paper what we could do differently to know get in trouble.

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This article discusses the different types of classroom jobs and their purpose. I feel discussing with children the purpose behind their job will help them to feel motivated to actually do it. Instead of just “because my teacher said so”. They can learn that their job is helping their peers and classroom environment.

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Classroom Jobs List - Teachers Love Lists

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Massive list of classroom jobs for elementary students in preschool, kindergarten, first grade, or second grade - such great ideas for classroom jobs!

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This article touches on responsibility and parenting, it teaches students and parents that having responsible children starts at home. It touches on how teaching responsibility can lead to high self esteem in children, because they learn to be a capable. It discusses the difference between obedience and responsibility, and how the difference can be as easy as a perspective change.

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Obedience vs. Responsibility
How Involved Should You Be?
The Dual Roles of Parents
How Self-Esteem Leads to Responsibility
Over-Indulgence and Teaching Responsibility

When asked what traits parents would like their children to have now and as adults, one of the most common responses is "to be responsible." This is a broad term which means many different things, including:

Being responsible is a key to children's success both in school and in the larger world when they grow up.

Parents often confuse obedience with responsibility.

Most parents would love their children to do what the parent asks, to follow directions and to not question their authority - understandable and important goals when raising children. However, this is not responsibility!! These behaviors would be classified as obedience.

Over time, most parents want children to accept ownership for a task or chore - the children do it because it needs to be done and accept that it is their obligation to do it. Over time, they may even initiate doing a task "because it needs to be done" - not because they are being told to do it. This attitude would be called responsibility.

Parents may have to give up having things done exactly as they would like them to be done and on their exact timetable in order for a child to move from obedience to responsibility. But allowing a child to "do it his way" will encourage a feeling of pride in accomplishment and foster a sense of responsibility.

Considering the shift from obedience to responsibility raises the issue of how involved you should be in helping your children to meet their commitments and complete tasks.

Not wanting our children to fail can lead parents to do too much for their children; when this happens, the children don't learn to take on the responsibility themselves.

On the other hand, there are times when children do need guidance, support or information so that they can learn how to be responsible.

Finding the balance between over-managing and under-parenting is an art.

Deciding when it is appropriate to step in and when it is more effective to let go and give the child space to do it his way will depend on the child's maturity, past behavior with responsibility in general and with this task in particular, the developmental task the child is working on, the child's temperament, and many other considerations.

Instilling the attitudes and traits that make children responsible occurs over years and involves many different pieces that make up the parenting puzzle.

If you have ever wondered if you are being either too strict or too lenient, or if you are giving your children enough love, then you have stumbled upon considerations about the two important roles that parents have. Each has a part in helping your children become responsible.

Nurturing/Caring Role

When you are carrying out the Nurturing/Caring Role, you are being kind and loving to your children. It is in this role that you listen to your children, support them, spend time with them, and are affectionate with them.

As the Nurturing Parent, you communicate unconditional love - no matter what happens, you love your children just because they exist and are yours. This allows your children to take risks, to make mistakes, knowing that they have their parents' unconditional support and love.

Structure/Executive Role

When you are fulfilling the responsibilities of the Structure/Executive Role, you are setting limits and boundaries, imposing discipline, teaching your children how they should behave, passing on your values, and giving guidance.

By not meeting their needs immediately and not giving them everything they want, you provide an opportunity for your children to tolerate some frustration, delay gratification, become less impulsive and less self-centered.

You set standards of behavior that you expect your children to meet. You establish consequences for breaking rules and you follow through on those consequences. You teach your children to be appreciative for what they have.

It is through the Executive Role that you hold your children accountable for their behavior, and that in turn, fosters the development of a sense of responsibility.

Dual Roles Combined

Children need their parents to carry out both roles. Children are more likely to accept the limits you set and are more likely to want to meet your expectations (i.e. be responsible) when you provide a warm, caring and supportive relationship that underlies the discipline you impose.

Healthy parenting occurs when children are raised in a home in which there is unconditional love along with clear boundaries, limits, rules and consequences.
<to view narrated article about The Dual Role
It has been shown that children with high self-esteem tend to be more responsible. They are better at:

How can parents instill a high sense of self-esteem in their children? One way is by providing messages that build each of the two essential components of self-esteem, feeling lovable and feeling capable.

Feeling Lovable

Children feel lovable when they have a sense of worth, when they feel appreciated and loved for who they are, regarding themselves as important and worthy of being loved.

To tell your children that you love them unconditionally, you can send "Being" Messages.

For example:

"I will always love you."

"I am so glad you are my son/daughter."

"I love spending time with you."

"Welcome Home!"

Feeling Capable

Children feel capable when they have a sense of power, competency and control over their lives, believe that they can handle challenges and that they are able to make a contribution to their environment, and when they feel pride in accomplishment.

It is the capable part of Self-esteem that most ties in to the Executive Role of parents and that fosters responsibility.

When children feel capable, they are more likely to meet their obligations, sign on for new tasks, try their hardest and feel good about what they do. All of these things will increase a child's responsibility.

You can increase your child's sense of responsibility by helping them to feel that they are capable by sending "Doing" Messages. These messages refer to all the things your children can do, their special areas of talent, and also to their potential and their growth.

For example, you can tell your child:

"You were so thorough in doing your research paper - you did a great job of planning in advance how you were going to tackle the project."

"Thank you so much for setting the table - it helped me a lot, and I see you put everything exactly in the right spot."

"I know you can do this."

"You are practicing your backhand so persistently. I bet you will really improve by the class next week."

"I really appreciate that you took out the trash without my having to ask you. That's what I call being responsible."

"I can see that you really are concerned about Grandma - you sent her the get-well card and even called her yesterday. I'm sure that made her feel better."

<to read more about Self-Esteem
Much has been written these days about the "entitled and over-indulged generation." The traits that these children exhibit are the antithesis of what it takes to be responsible.

Over-indulged children:

Three Ways to Over-indulge

According to Jean Illsley Clark in her book, How Much is Enough?, there are 3 basic ways that parents over-indulge their children.

1. Giving Too Many Things

Giving them too many material things or too many activities without the expectation that they will fulfill obligations. This would clearly interfere with a child becoming responsible, either about his commitments or for his things.

Examples of giving too much would be:

A 5-year old boy gets a new video game as it is released even though he does not take care of his things and does not show appreciation for what he has.

A 13-year old girl takes private music lessons, but often doesn't practice because she also is on the travel tennis team and is on the student council. Sometimes she misses the tennis practices on Friday nights because she prefers being with her friends.

2. Doing Too Much

Doing things for children that they are able to do for themselves. This results in them not learning skills of everyday living and how to care for themselves.

This also occurs when parents do not require them to be contributing members of the family. The child is not expected to be responsible, is not given the opportunity to do so and does not learn the skills and attitudes that will lead to responsibility.

Examples of this type of over-indulgence would be:

The mother of a 5-year old hangs up his coat for him even though he can reach the hook himself.

13-year old Brian never makes his own social arrangements; his mother does that for him.

The father of a 4-year old still gets him water from the refrigerator even though the child has a very steady hand and is capable of pouring the water himself.

3. Not Expecting Enough

Not expecting enough or demanding enough of children. This has to do with parents not requiring their children to meet their obligations or the parents' expectations, or to face the consequences of their actions.

These parents do not hold their children accountable for their behavior, they make excuses for them, and 'bail' them out when they get in trouble or slack off.

Examples of this type of over-indulgence would be:

10-year old Billy is supposed to take out the trash, but when it is cold out, his father does it for him.

7-year old Alex begs to stay up to watch television until 10:00 pm on a school night even though his usual bedtime is 8:00. His father lets him even though he knows Alex will be too tired the next day.

3-year old Sasha's father cleans up her toys for her after she is finished instead of having her participate in the effort.

14-year old Sam makes plans to go out, even though there had been family plans to celebrate Grandma's birthday that night; the parents change their plans to accommodate Sam.

How to Avoid Over-Indulgence

By carrying out the "Executive" role, parents can avoid the pitfalls of over-indulgence, help their children to feel good about themselves and learn to be responsible.

They can:

<learn more ways to teach responsibility in Part II

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For more information about developing responsibility in children, check out the following books. Purchasing from Amazon.com through our website supports the work we do to help parents do the best job they can to raise their children.
<all our recommended parenting books <return to top of page <additional articles about Responsibility and Chores <Library of Articles topic page

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Teaching responsibility to children helps them to be successful in school and in life. Discover the parental attitudes that can encourage this trait.

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This video shows students demonstrating their “class jobs”, the video is a great demonstration in the value they have in being responsible. In the video there is a poster that shows all of the qualities of responsibility. This video shows how students having classroom responsibilities can lead to a more positive classroom environment.

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This video talks about classroom jobs and how it helps promote responsibility. Having the students have a job makes them feel important and a sense of pride. It teaches them the definition of responsibility, and shows them in real time how it can effect the class if they don’t take their job seriously.

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Learning Responsibility with Classroom Jobs

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In this story one of the hens is doing all of the work and taking all of the household responsibility. One day she decides shes not going to do it anymore, it is a real lesson to her friends on how you need to share the responsibilities and not put everything on one person.

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In this book Lily writes her teacher a mean letter after her purse is taken away from her. Lily learns how to responsibly deal with her strong emotions, and not lash out in anger when something doesn’t go her way. Children have a tendency to react quickly, so it teaches them how thinking before they act, is a form of responsibility.

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In this book David has an excuse every time he gets in trouble, this book shows us how irritating it can be when we don’t take responsibility for our actions. It teaches how responsibility leads to getting in trouble less and less. It teaches at taking responsibility is the right thing to do even when you’ve done something wrong.

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This book is about a Pigeon who wants a puppy, but he ends up deciding that he doesn’t want one when he realizes how much work and puppy will be. This is a great book to teach students that responsibility is hard work, it’s not something that will always come easy.

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In this book Franklin proves to his family that he is responsible by taking care of his stuffed pet. Him taking care of his stuff pet proves to his parents that he is ready for a real pet. This book is a great way to show students examples of how we can be responsible.

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This book helps readers understand the consequences of their actions, every page has a naughty action being demonstrated and ends with the question “What if everybody did that?”. The book really helps readers to stop and think about how not being responsible can negatively effect all the people around you.

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Inquiry Questions

What does it mean to be responsible?

What are some responsibilities you have in school?

What are some responsibilities you have at home?

Why is it important to be responsible?