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I should've typed it down earlier but...

Several months ago, I was rejected by [redacted]... sadly friendzoned. I felt distraught as she was the girl I genuinely loved... and it all had to fade away. However, I could not change her decision so I felt sad throughout December... sadly, it would affect my mood when I went up north.

In January, I decided to stop further communication with the group and I abandoned them to recover myself.

However, I had a crush on two girls, one in geometry and another that I had no connection of; I never got to ask neither of them, however as I asked the girl who I did not know of, she was taken by some dude and I felt stunned. I mean, I had let her down earlier in the school year, but still.

Overall, my love life is just pure sadness.

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to this day, however, I'm no longer in a romantic relationship, still a single person. Completely in my bubble, forming friends from staff to students. Though not more than 5, I still feel it is enough for me to feel comfortable.

Also to this day, she's in a relationship.

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Hello peoples.

Today (and probably several months ago and EVEN three years ago), I still fell in love with my best friend. Though, we were in our own relationships with our partners. We kept in touch despite our being far away from each other. She was and still is the best friend (and close friend) I ever asked for. I thank God for bringing her to my life.

A little backstory here.

On the first day of school (talking about 2021), I was in 2nd period when I saw the smartboard showing all the names of the students' assigned seats. I saw "Marilyn", and as soon I could see her on her seat, I (and for without reason) teased her just because of the name pronunciation of a US state. That probably offended her, though I felt bad for doing that as it wasn't my intention, and it was merely unique. About several minutes later, I slowly felt I should be friends with her. However, as several days went by, she began to talk to me, bringing us closer to friendship. I had her name, discord, and whatnot. We then proceeded to talk the entire period (well, not the whole time but still). In contrast, I began to feel such genuine need knowing I made my first friend in middle school-- let alone COVID times when we were stuck at home. From that day forward, we would talk to each other in the courtyard every morning (that was if my bus arrived early), during lunch, passing period, etc.

Several months passed, and I felt a slight feeling I might be into her. My dreams and ruminations began to appear as if we were together in a deep relationship. Unfortunately, that did not happen if I was to remain loyal. And I was also aware she was in a relationship. So, I didn't confess.

The day my friends argued with each other (my lover and my sister's friend) , I could not bear it any longer I summoned her. With each passing minute, she attempted to heal every nook and cranny of the argument. She then told me these words "... let me be your middle man..." The next day, she came to me with a hug-- something I did not expect which made me feel a sense of love. On some days, we would hug each other throughout the day.

On the day we had a Christmas party in AVID, every classmate sat down as we watched a movie. I sat next to her because I felt very comfortable in her presence, and for some reason, I leaned towards her, making myself comfortable. (Pretty sure she didn't mind me leaning) before I returned to my normal posture.

The continuous moments of hugging, talking, and walking to class did not change until one day. January 13th, 2022

The day I worried about. Moving day.

As I entered school, I felt this would affect our friendship deeply, so I had to make up as much as I could. The moment I went upstairs to Civics was when she probably felt upset as I advanced my way to the top of the stairwell.

Soon, AVID came. Our final conversation brewed as I began to make a speech about my moving... it was worrisome, but in the end, I went to her group to begin our final physical chat before dismissal. She recorded the moment we walked to the car loop one last time. Further into the car loop, I began to embrace my final hug with her, my mind feeling upset as I felt I'd miss her for a long time. A ticket reassuring me she'll always be on her mind.

"I'll miss you Jason

I love you

DM Me

~ Banduu"

As I walked into my car before looking at my friends one last time. I slowly waved at one of my other friends to avoid suspicion of having a "girlfriend at school."

Our trip back home was gruesome, though I embraced myself to a new beginning.

Eventually, I began to move into the new house, began to unpack and finally moved in. I was not done yet. Although it was my last day, I had to withdraw from the school, so the next day, I turned in my laptop and charger and began to withdrawal process. I was ready to enroll to another school.

In March, she began to tell me she loves me... platonically, and stating I'm the friend she would have asked for.

On the last day of school, I felt really sad as I sat alone. I missed my old friends from Conniston and it made me feel flashbacks from all the fun moments we had. It made me cry a little...

To this day, I feel such feelings for my close friend, though I'm unsure when I'll even make the move... I wanted to do it in person, however, it is uncertain when I would randomly see her in public. I missed her deeply I thought of our past moments in my mind.

~ Jason

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Today, I hugged my friend.

Why, may you ask?

I haven't had any hugs since around 7th grade. That took a toll on my life. I wanted to hug her because she's the person I admire and she made me comfortable. I am slightly nervous but managed to talk to her with her friend group. I went to the media centre for a group and I was given a quote for me to read. I needed recovery from the events that happened, so I'll join every Thursday. :)

After that, one of my friends went in the wrong direction and me and [redacted] saw and tried to tell her to come back but she didn't notice. Though she looked back before walking further.

I walked with her to the stairwell where her third period was located upstairs. That's when I asked her if I could hug her. And she did. :)

I'll hug her again, and again, and again. And probably ask her out???

~ Jason

11/09/2023

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Today, September 15th.
======================
Today my friends,
during PE, the girl who rejected me was still staring at me even though I wasn't talking and was just doing the workouts.
I can only imagine if she would approach me and talk to me. But I would have to do that first.
Monday I would do just that. However, I cannot stop thinking about the adverse outcomes.
When I sat near her table during lunch, she and her friends suddenly went elsewhere. When I checked behind after a few minutes, she was at the North side of the cafeteria.
My friend forced me to the South exit and took me to the courtyard for no reason.
I went back near the cafeteria and it kind of felt creepy but I made several turns across the main courtyard where loud music was playing and back.
I decided to stop after so many minutes and attempts and there I was, going to the third period, just to see her and her friend talking to e/o when the girl covered the left part of her face with her hand. I noticed it as I was walking and I ignored it until it hit my soul.
When I was on the bus, she turned her head to look at me around two times during the ride. She was on seat 3 while I was on the wheelbase seat which is Seat 17.
When the bus overshot the street where my stop was located, the driver was like: "Oh shit" and told me the other way to get home, I asked him from the distance if I can sit in the front and there I went. But while I was moving to the front, the same girl looked at me. Barely anyone on the bus looked. I noticed and began to feel nervous.
I gave him the directions to an alternative street which wasn't that far from the main street, and then after like several seconds of talking to the driver, I made it home.
She may or may have not seen me walk to the front and the side of the bus to walk home which indeed wasn't that far and was literally behind the bus.
So.. yeah.
See you all next week.

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Yesterday. September 7th.
3:09 PM. On bus 4029.

When I saw the girl who made me smile, I confessed to her.
After I confessed, however, she said no.
What I thought when I didn't talk for the whole ride...
* If she doesn't like me back, why does she look at me?
* If she wasn't looking at me, then who?
* That isn't very clear. Who else could she be staring at?
* If she imitated a kiss... then who did the kiss point to?
* Why does she smile at me? And does she smile at anyone she talks to or sees?
Although she did one of those or all of those, she doesn't feel the same as me.
Those are some of the questions I needed to find the answers to. I don't know, but... it just doesn't feel right. She could be checking someone else other than me out. Either way, the mystery remains. I am still trying to figure out who is the lover, and yet I had any clues to back it up.
Because of that, I seemed to avoid her about several times after yesterday. But several sources convinced me that it wasn't recommended to avoid the girl after being rejected.
Unfortantely, it's my reality.
I cannot change it back. Even with bullies and classwork, I just can't manage. Gradually, I'm trying to revert my avoidance and return to my normal self.

So, i'm still figuring it out throughout next week to see if she either regrets rejecting me or she really means it.

In PE, I've had A LOT of fun, mainly because I wasn't distracted on that one person. But I also felt like it was wrong. She also stared at me for talking to myself while facing towards the wall.

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Back to August 15th.
I've had several questions I needed to crack.
Who the hell gave you the right to tell Maple off?
Who the hell decided to argue with me even though no tone tags were used prior to the argument? Whose fault was it?
If it wasn't me, then who the hell cares?
Who the hell gave you the right to argue with me?
If it was my fault, what the hell did I even do?
Does anyone deserve this?
Does the argument involve doxxing threats?
Why must one defend me while the others go against?

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Some of you may ask; Jason, why the hell are you being backlashed? And what the hell did you do???!

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Some of you may ask; Jason, why the hell are you being backlashed? And what the hell did you do???!

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I'm being backlashed because of some idiotic misunderstanding over Mikey blatantly joking around that he hates Autistic and Neurodivergent people. I'm not 100% certain if he hates people with developmental disabilities, but Mel told me that he has Autism as well but it was WELL OVER TOO LATE. I may have photo evidence but might've deleted some if not most of the evidence, to back this up.
August 15th.
Mel was so utterly concerned that she and Mikey decided to tell my friend off. My friend, Maple, sent so many GIFs for some apparent reason that made the two uncomfortable. She thought that she might get "groomed". And for what!? The fact that Maple HAS a girlfriend. It isn't that difficult to figure out. Just because YOU'RE IN HIGH SCHOOL, and Maple's a fucking SENIOR, (KNOWN AS 12th GRADE) doesn't mean that you gotta get paranoid. I mean, he does NOT groom anybody. I know him because he has a girlfriend. His mom knows. I know. Almost his family knows me even though I'm far away.
Now. OH DEAR GOD. Dios Ayudame.
August 22nd. 20:25-22:10
I got so much fear that I didn't even realize I started another commotion once again.
I added a management bot in the server which today, is no longer in service. Mikey suddenly came to my Direct Messages to argue with me over a ban that I didn't write up nor sent to the logs. I checked the Audit logs and it appears that Moon banned him for "breaking server rules".
In the server, I argued for the 1st Amendment rights and limitations on the server and the real world. They didn't agree with me and started to throw arguments back and forth. I never felt so disregarded. Never.
"So, Jason, supposedly they told me the truth about you, and basically almost everything you have said was a lie."
NON, NON, NON GRAZIE. Fuck that. I'm loyal to everyone, but when they cross my boundaries, it's their final straw and I fucking mean it. {Kom achter me aan, dan kom ik achter je aan. Zeg die woorden als ik naar mijn graf ga.]
{Dutch -> English: Come after me and I will come after you. Say those words when I go to my grave.}
Addio per ora.

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This is what happens if I either get misunderstood or something else happens to them. I thought they were either doing this to fool me or I DON'T KNOW??? And every time I got involved, somebody had sparked a fire in my mind. It's just.. affecting me and Moon's personal perspectives. And I have no idea what to do other than continue to retaliate against Mikey and Mel. 

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This is what happens if I either get misunderstood or something else happens to them. I thought they were either doing this to fool me or I DON'T KNOW??? And every time I got involved, somebody had sparked a fire in my mind. It's just.. affecting me and Moon's personal perspectives. And I have no idea what to do other than continue to retaliate against Mikey and Mel. 

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And the lyrics from my Bio exist.

¡Jamás te dije una mentira o te inventé un chantaje..!
Las nubes grises también forman parte de paisaje
Y no me veas así, si hubo un culpable aquí
Fuiste tú...

Why must I do this you may ask?
I'm doing this for my good. I wanted to give each of you an insight into what happened to me.
I hate it to be this way but it has to happen.