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Sometimes we want to say an out right No. If a personal boundary is crossed, or if we see that something is creating inequality or an ethical issue, gendered labour, or 'hope labour' (prevalent in academia, being asked to do things in the hope of career payoff) for example:

Being asked to take part in an all white male panel.

Being asked to travel for work, at your own expense.

Being the one asked to do the emotional work of supporting an upset colleague, as the result of another colleague's behaviour.

A request to take on a large amount of unpaid consultancy.

etc

In such cases, to convey your feelings, it may also help to think about whether you really want to use the language 'sorry' or 'thank you'.

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Fixing a scope and remit for your, and your team's work and ways to communicate this helps others to know why they should approach you in the first place. It also gives you a handy guide to communicate the rationale for saying no, when you need to. Here is an example of a scoping form which helps the people making the request to understand whether it is one you won't be able to fulfil.

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If there is a more appropriate team or colleague to take on the work, the obvious thing to do is to signpost the request to them. Beware though! There are ways of doing this which makes it more likely you will get a positive response, and maintain a good relationship with a colleague who will now receive the request.

No-one likes to be on the receiving end of a 'tag you're it', or to have their contact details given to somebody that they might not necessarily want to work with. Always make sure to check your colleague wants to be named before doing it. It also helps to translate the request so that your colleague doesn't spend time trying to decipher why they have been brought into the conversation.

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It can help if we are able to demonstrate that we, or our teams are working at capacity. Keeping track of projects of our own time and of the members of our teams time can help us with this. Raising issues of overload to our managers rather than grinning and bearing it is part of all our responsibility as managers at work.

Some no phrases to use if you don't have capacity:

“This is not the right time for us to take on...”

“We are already at capacity...”

“We've already exceeded our quota for...”

“We have prioritised urgent business...”

“Please ask us again in [month]...”

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Exhaustion and cynicism about the job and workplace. Eroded physical and mental health which can have knock on effects on working and home relationships.

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Lowered emotional reserves, low mental energy stores, and lack of other aspects in life, can cause perspective to be skewed and mean that we become unduly focused on work. This means that a disappointment or frustration at work, can feel overwhelming.

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Our capacity to bounce back from setbacks.

Our professional growth and space for new opportunities.

Our sense of self as a expert or someone with a specialist skillset.

Our ability to think creatively.

The variety we experience as part of our work life and we can feel stuck in a run, with no time or energy to work on new things.

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It is not within our power to refuse a request, for example form a manager, or because we are legally obliged, or required by our employer.

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We want to maintain or to build good relationships with people and it makes more sense to accept a request in the interests of building that relationship.

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We might be afraid of losing an opportunity that will not come again. Or it may be more prudent to dedicate time to something which if not done with your input would cause you to lose more time problem-solving later.

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We use the opportunity to do something familiar and within our comfort zone as a way to avoid doing something less familiar, less fulfilling, or less enjoyable.

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Saying yes might help others to see us as a helpful person, and someone who is useful and valued because they help. If someone has a strong sense of their own identity as 'a helpful person', it may conflict with their image of themselves to say no, as they perhaps fear they will be seen as an unhelpful person.

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Some people may worry that they will lose their job or that they will be seen as not needed, if they aren't maximising the amount of time they spend at work.

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If a workplace has a culture of overworking and extreme busyness, then people will tend to adopt a similar way of working in order to fit in to that culture and show that they are part of the group. To stand out may open them up to criticism.

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Work quality may suffer if errors or mistakes are introduced or if projects are approached at a more superficial level in order that staff spread themselves more thinly.

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If the quality of projects, products or outputs decreases an organisation may risk a decline in its reputation as a leader in the field. It may also risk encountering a serious problem if a mistake is made in an area with a legal or compliance requirement.

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A team or service may may find that it is unable to deliver on the objectives that are set out if lots of additional work is taken on before those objectives can be achieved. The team may find that over time its remit has moved into a wider area, and without additional resourcing, the risk of this is that the team is no longer recognised as experts, or for providing a quality service.

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An organisation may find that external relationships and partnerships fall away, if time cannot be dedicated to them. Or that internally relationships between staff are strained. This can mean low morale, and an increased staff turnover creating disruption and further loss of expertise.

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In a fast-paced sector or in times of change an organisation that does not have capacity to dedicated resources to new ideas, or to think creatively or innovate, risks missing out on opportunities, and may be left behind.

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Without the time to think strategically, to analyse how things are going and to use that information to plan, and organisation risks continuing to work in ways that are no longer relevant or fit for purpose.

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When people are overloaded they want to 'keep their heads down' and try to 'work their way out of it'. This can prove isolating for individuals and for teams and it leads to greater siloed working, and a lack of collaboration and joined up thinking, which create further mistakes, duplication and confusion.

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When someone approaches us with a request and we consider taking that on, it pays to think about what is important, and what outcomes we want to achieve when we say yes, no, or give a conditional acceptance. Factors that influence our decision will include:

Weighing up the risks, to ourselves and to our teams.

What's in it for us, does this represent a learning opportunity?

Do we need to preserve a good working relationship with the person making the request?

Or to establish trust, so that we can later make a reciprocal request?

Or is it important to establish or reassert a boundary?

Whether there is an obvious alternative, or better person to take on the work?

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Saying yes and then later saying no is much more difficult than saying no in the first place. If we establish a pattern or a precedent for doing a particular piece of work others will come and ask us when more work needs doing, creating a 'pile on'. Additionally by taking on extra work, we may mask the need for further resources, more people, or specific expertise to be recruited. It may be better to reveal a gap, so it can be invested in long-term, than to cover it in the short term.

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If you're not comfortable with saying no, or you want to reach a win-win compromise, you can ask for something back. In this case the "Yes, and..." approach is very useful. For example:

Yes, and my fee is £250 per delivered hour.

Yes, and I’m going to be able to offer you [number of] hours for that work, so what parts need doing as a priority?

Yes, and I’d welcome a conversation about what to put down, whilst this is ongoing.

Yes, and I’d like to record/have access to [the output], so I can share it afterwards.

Yes, and would you be able to reciprocate by doing [equivalent work] for me?

Yes, and how can we make this sustainable for next time, who will I hand this over to?

Yes, and who from your team will be supporting the admin work?

Yes, and I’d like to agree an outline of the processes and responsibilities before we get started.

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Possible workload is finite and often, in order to to take on a new area of work we have to decide which one will be deprioritised. Working with the person making the request to establish a shared understanding of priorities, can help them to understand the capacity that you have, and to work with that so that everyone's expectations are managed.

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Sometimes it can help you avoid getting requests that belong to other people over and over again, if you acknowledge the similarities and differences between your work and the other teams work.

Writing a statement on how those two priorities interact/intersect, and establishing channels for handing over  requests is something that we can do as part of our team identity building.

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Looking at overall workload through the Eisenhower Matrix categorise as tasks as Urgent and/or Important, can help colleagues to understand why products have been prioritised and where they should focus their attention.

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Coaching Tools 101: The Urgent Important Matrix - What and How To Use it!

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The Urgent Important Matrix is a powerful productivity & time management tool. Learn what it is, how it works, plus get coaching tips for clients.

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Consider how you personally react if someone says no to you. Do you reply in support of their leadership and role-model worthy decision-making skills, do you thank them for being open and clear with you, do you express frustration with them, or do you secretly plot to retaliate at some point in the future?

If we hope to build a culture of sustainable workload that helps to stay within the scope and remit, maintains morale and creativity, and allows us the space and time to innovate and respond to challenges, we also must learn how to hear no from our colleagues. Especially if those colleagues are in personal demographics, or working spaces, that make them more likely to be put upon for extra work, or less likely to be recognised for their work

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To cite, use this format: Guccione, K. (2022) ‘Saying NO and setting boundaries: A conversation primer for saying no’. Available at https://padlet.com/kayguccione/saying-no-and-setting-boundaries-ido2ri7nk5b0pve8.

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