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Just because your phone and apps are designed to keep you interested, doesn’t mean all your attention should go to them. There are some steps you can take to check your impulses and ground yourself in the present moment.

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When was the last time you were having a meal with a family member while texting a friend about plans for later that day and glancing at your colleague's new Insta-story (all at the same time)? We all multitask at one point or another ... but this is a unique form of social juggling.

Multi-socialising is when you're keeping up multiple conversations - both in person and digitally - at the same time.

Are you speed-reading this while requesting an Uber and receiving four notifications from different apps? Then you know exactly what we're talking about.

According to neuroscientists, our brains can't really multitask that well. What we are actually doing when we think we are multitasking is shifting our attention from one thing to another, but it doesn't mean we are truly able to focus on more than one thing at a time. Furthermore, it's said that attempting multiple tasks at once slows us down overall.

Then why do we do it?

Sometimes it's because we are legitimately strapped for time and rushing to do multiple things. Usually though, it's because our phones are vying for our attention in so many different ways.

Your phone buzzes, the screen lights up, and if you have a notification light, it starts flashing until you check the notification.

And even if you ignore the initial buzz and lights, the app icon will display a red circle, indicating you have unread messages ... taking you out of the moment.

If just seeing the images of these notifications makes your heart beat faster, you are not alone! This is all designed to make us feel a sense of urgency or obligation, or even make us wonder "what if this is really important"?

Just because your phone and apps are designed to keep you interested, doesn't mean all your attention should go to them. There are some steps you can take to check your impulses and ground yourself in the present moment.

Knowing your phone is designed to make you pay attention to it can help you make different choices when you are balancing your attention between digital and real-life conversations. These suggestions will help you stay present while in the presence of others.

1. Prioritise your attention

This will be different for everyone, and may vary in different situations. Are you having lunch with a friend you haven't seen in ages while your sister is having a bad day and texting you for support? As soon as you decide who should get your attention first and foremost in that moment, you'll be able to more clearly communicate your needs to the other person.

If your friend is the priority at that moment, you could text your sister back saying you're caught up right now and you'll be able to give her your undivided attention in an hour. Can you suggest that your sister confides in another trusted person in the meantime?

Or if your sister is the priority at that moment, are you comfortable letting your friend know you need to reply to your sister right away because she's going through something. Is your friend okay with that or should you think about rescheduling lunch?
In the end, you'll know what's right for you.
2. Set expectations

Your loved ones may be more supportive of your attention going elsewhere if they have a sense of what's going on. Communicate openly about what's going on in your digital life, so they don't feel like they're unworthy of your attention.

In that lunch scenario, before writing that text to your sister, you might say to your friend, "Sorry to interrupt. I need to write a quick message, and then I'd like to hear more about your day."

3. Set up "focus time" rituals

All phones have the option to turn on a silent mode. This means there will be no sound or vibration when you receive a notification or call, helping you to avoid getting distracted by your phone.

If you make it a habit to set your phone on the table, simply flip it so it's face down. This will mean your eyes won't be distracted by the flashing lights.

You might even consider shutting off your phone, or physically putting your phone away (in a drawer, in your bag) during a self-designated focus time.

4. Speak up

Have you ever felt stuck in a seemingly endless text chain while trying to focus on something else? Most messengers, like Signal, WhatsApp and Facebook Messenger, allow you to send voice messages. Voice messages allow you the space to leave audio snippets at your convenience, without the stress of a phone call. Other than the added touch of sending a personalised message, you might find that it's easier to discuss complicated topics, and you get the added benefit of looking away from your phone screen!

5. Get everyone in on it

Do your part to encourage personal conversations to happen face-to-face, or over private chat platforms like Signal or Wire, rather than on social media.

In a group get-together with friends, a family gathering or a business meeting, you might agree that everyone silences their phones, puts their phones away or does not bring their phones at all.

You can also turn your focus time rituals into fun games with your loved ones. For example, if you're at a dinner, have everyone put their phones in the middle of the table - the first one to check theirs, pays the bill!

Once you get in the groove of your focus time rituals, check out Smartphones Call for Smart Habits.

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Stay in the Moment (Even with Your Phone)

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When was the last time you were having a meal with a family member while texting a friend about plans for later that day and glancing at your colleague's new Insta-story (all at the same time)? We all multitask at one point or another ... but this is a unique form of social juggling.

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Do you feel the urge to keep checking your phone? Smartphones are designed to grab your attention. Read on to find out how and to learn new habits to take back control

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Smartphones are fun and useful. But they're powerful tools of seduction. Every feature, colour and sound has been 'optimised' by teams of designers and psychologists to keep us hooked and coming back for more.

Look around and you'll see how well it's working. The average person taps, clicks and swipes on their phone over 2,600 times a day on average ( source). If we did anything else that often, we'd probably call a doctor.

What's going on? Are we consciously choosing to keep interrupting ourselves?

When things make us feel good, we do them more often. Over time this becomes automatic -- a habit. Our 'muscle memory' keeps us checking our phones, even when it isn't useful or doesn't feel so good anymore. Do you recognise any of these feelings?

The twitch: feeling the urge to check your phone even though you've already checked it in the last ten minutes? ... okay, more like 30 seconds ago?

The pang: forgot your phone at home and feeling weird and uneasy? That'll be the pang.

The phantom vibe: feeling your phone vibrate, only to realise you've imagined it? Spooky.

The green-eyed sigh: too many geo-boasters (friends who brag by 'checking-in' somewhere new) in your life? Or too many phubbers (phone-snubbers keep their phone out when they're with you - just in case)?

These feelings are all signs that our phones are seducing us into a loop of constant checking.

The good news is that a few simple changes can reduce those twitches, pangs and vibes:

Notice your relationship with your phone

On a normal day, pay attention to how and why you're using your phone (are you bored, alone or has the person you're with got theirs out?). Google and Apple now have ways to check your habits with Google's Digital Wellbeing and the iOS 12 update. These services will tell you how often you're checking your phone and when. Are you surprised by your number? What would you like it to be? Set yourself a goal.

Use physical reminders to keep you on track

Write yourself a note like "Why now?" or "Put me down," then take a photo of it and set it as your homescreen. When you pick up your phone, it's the first thing you'll see. Also try the app Space, which adds a 10-second loading screen to apps you open. That pause gives you time to notice your habits and calm your auto-pilot.

Apply the same logic to your whole phone by adding a screen lock. The extra hassle to enter the unlock code is your auto-pilot speed bump -- and it keeps your phone safe from prying eyes.

Change where you keep it

Checking your phone first thing in the morning and late at night? At the dinner table and on the way to work? Put physical distance between you and your phone to create emotional distance. Try charging it away from your bed, keeping it in a desk drawer at work or even leaving it at home sometimes. Can you go for an afternoon without it?

Turn off notifications

Do you really need to be notified that you've been emailed a coupon offer? Constant attention grabbers like these are designed to nudge us into checking when we don't mean to. Turning them off is the single most powerful thing you can do to put yourself in control again. Here's how:

Android:

To turn off notifications for a specific app:

Another way to disable an app's alerts is by long-pressing its notification when it appears. Then you'll get the chance to "block alerts" or "show them silently."

To stop your phone's lock screen lighting up when notifications come in:

Note: These instructions tell you where to go, but as phones and operating systems vary, the exact buttons you need to click may be called something a little different on your phone. Explore your phone settings or search your model online.

Put your phone screen in Grey Mode

Colourful screens convince us to spend more time on them. Set your phone screen in grey mode and try it for a week to see if you check it less. (This isn't available for all phones so search your phone model and 'colour screen settings' online. If not, switching from 'vibrant' colour mode to 'standard' is still helpful.)

Stay on top

When you install a new app, notice the tricks it uses to keep you coming back.

Has that podcast app automatically overridden your screensaver settings to show you downloads instead? Is that game sending you notifications about your daily streak and who has more points than you?

Until phone and app designers move away from seduction by design, you'll have to be a bit more proactive in editing your settings. Reduce the noise. They're relying on the fact that you won't.

Tell your friends and family that you're trying a new normal

This is an easy tip to forget, but it can have a big effect. Ask others to join you in this phone experiment! Make it a family competition. Or just plan things you enjoy in advance so that you aren't left looking to your phone for fun at the last minute.

Breaking free from constant checking is much easier when your time is filled with other things.

Ready to give it a go? If it's hard, that's okay. Powerful seduction methods got us into these loops and it will take some time to get us out. Start wherever you feel comfortable and take it from there.

You may not end up spending less time on your phone, but just spending that time differently. When it comes to time on your phone go for quality, not quantity.

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Smartphones are fun and useful. But they're powerful tools of seduction. Every feature, colour and sound has been 'optimised' by teams of designers and psychologists to keep us hooked and coming back for more. Look around and you'll see how well it's working.

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Tip 1: Turn off your Notifications - create some more time for yourself and your loved ones by turning off the notifications that constantly grab your attention.