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© 2020 Gwen Dewar, Ph.D., all rights reserved

How can we help kids make friends? It might seem we can do very little. Making friends is a very personal business, after all.

But building a friendship depends on a child's emotional skills, self-regulation skills, and social competence. And parents can play an important role in the development of these abilities.

For example, many children have trouble making friends because they feel shy or anxious. If we show these kids how to respond to friendly overtures -- and provide them with easy, safe opportunities for interacting with friendly people -- we can help them build crucial social connections.

Likewise, there are children who struggle because they lack adequate impulse control, or behave in ways that antagonize others. These kids will find it much easier to make friends if we help them develop their self-regulation skills.

And just about every child will benefit from coaching and practice in the social arts. All around the world, successful friendship depends on the same, fundamental skills. To be successful, kids must

regulate their own, negative emotions;

understand other people's emotions and perspectives;

show sympathy, and offer help to friends in need;

feel secure and trusting of other people;

know how to handle introductions, and participate in conversation;

be capable of cooperation, negotiation, and compromise;

know how to apologize, and make amends; and

be understanding (and forgiving) of other people's mistakes.

It's a long list, and honing these skills requires experience, effort, practice.
But that's precisely why parents and teachers can be helpful. Making friends isn't a magic trick. It's something we learn. Something we can help our children learn.

So here is an evidence-based guide -- 12 concrete ways that we can help kids make friends.

1. Show your child warmth and respect. Don't try to control your child through threats, punishments, or emotional "blackmail."

It might not seem of immediate relevance to your child's ability to make friends. But the way parents treat children has an impact on their emotional development and social behavior. And this, in turn, can affect their peer relationships.

For example, consider authoritarian parenting, an approach to care-giving that emphasizes absolute obedience, low levels of warmth, and an attempt to control behavior through threats, punishments, or shaming.

In research conducted throughout the world, authoritarian parenting has been linked with the development of behavior problems (Lansford et al 2018). And kids with behavior problems have more trouble making friends.

It also appears that parental psychological control -- the attempt to manipulate children through guilt trips, shaming, or the withdrawal of affection -- sets children up for developing poor-quality friendships (e.g., Cook et al 2012).

By contrast, when parents show warmth, and use positive discipline strategies -- reasoning with children, and discussing the reasons for rules -- kids tend to become more prosocial over time.

They are more likely to treat others with kindness and sympathy (Pastorelli et al 2015).

They tend to be less aggressive, more self-reliant, and better-liked by peers (Brotman et al 2009; Sheehan and Watson 2008; Hastings et al 2007).

So how exactly can we enforce good behavior without resorting to threats and punishments? For help, see my article about "positive parenting." And to learn more about the effects of different parenting styles, see this Parenting Science guide.

2. Be your child's "emotion coach."

All of us experience negative emotions and selfish impulses. Does it prevent us from maintaining good friendships? No. Not if we know how to keep these responses under control.

So children need to learn how to regulate their own emotions. And parents? We can either help them, or make things more difficult.

For example, in one study, researchers asked parents -- the mothers of 5-year-olds -- how they responded to their children's negative emotions. Then the researchers tracked child outcomes over the course of several years. What happened?

Kids were more likely to develop strong self-regulation skills if they had grown up with a parent who talked with them -- sympathetically and constructively -- about how to cope with bad moods and difficult feelings (Blair et al 2013). And the stronger a child's self-regulation skills, the more likely that child was to develop positive peer relationships as her or she got older.

On the flip side, studies suggest that kids develop weaker self-regulation skills when their parents react dismissively ("You're just being silly!") or punitively ("Go to your room!") to their children's negative emotions (Davidov and Grusec 1996; Denham 1997; Denham et al 1997; Denham 1989; Denham and Grout 1993; Eisenberg et al 1996).

So when kids get upset, it's worth taking the time to understand their feelings, and to actively teach them how to handle these feelings in a healthy, constructive way. For tips, see my article, "Emotion coaching."

3. Nurture your child's ability to empathize and "read minds."

Kids need to do more than control their own, negative emotions. They also need to understand the emotions and perspectives of others.

Aren't these things supposed to come naturally? Maybe, but "naturally" doesn't mean "automatically, without encouragement and support." There are concrete things that parents and teachers can do to help kids develop their emotion-savvy.

For more information see my evidence-based for nurturing empathy, as well as these activities for boosting a child's face-reading skills.

4. Is your child socially anxious? Provide a secure social environment.

It's hard for kids to make friends if they feel very anxious. But what can we do about it?

Sensitive, responsive parenting is especially important for socially-anxious children. They need to know that we'll be there for them when they need us. And, as I note elsewhere, studies suggest that sensitive, responsive parenting helps kids develop the kind of secure attachment relationships that promote confidence and independence.

But when kids are really struggling with anxiety, they need additional support.

They perceive the world to be especially threatening, and unless we address that, they're likely to experience ongoing emotional problems -- problems that can interfere with the development of social skills (Pearcy et al 2020), and make it very difficult for a child to make friends (Lessard and Juvonen 2018).

So if your child is suffering from high levels of anxiety, talk about your concerns with your pediatrician or school counselor. Child psychologists have developed effective treatments for clinical anxiety, including cognitive behavioral therapy, an approach designed to re-train your child's misperceptions and overreactive emotional responses (Seligman and Ollendick 2011).

But it's also important to keep in mind: Sometimes, the threats are very real.

For example, your child might attend a school where aggressive behavior problems are common. Your child might be aware of peers or neighbors who have suffered violence. Or maybe your child is being exposed to harassment, peer rejection, or bullying.

If that's your child's situation, it makes sense to do what you can to improve your child's environment. This includes taking action to stop violence, harassment, and bullying. But it may also include finding your child a new social outlet -- like a club or playgroup -- that is especially welcoming and secure.

5. Address your child's aggressive or disruptive behavior problems.

As I mentioned above, such behavior problems can pose a major social barrier to making friends. Kids tend to avoid or shun peers who act out in aggressive ways.

What should you do if your child has trouble with disruptive outbursts or aggressive behavior?

For advice about coping as a parent, see my article, "Taming aggression in children: 5 crucial strategies for effective parenting."

In addition, see my article, "Disruptive behavior problems: 12 evidence-based tips for handling aggression, defiance, and acting out."

6. Teach your child these crucial conversation skills.

To make new friends, kids need to learn how to introduce themselves to others, and think of appropriate things to say.

They also need to learn how to listen well. And they need to learn how to provide conversational feedback -- to show that they understand what another person is expressing.

How do we foster these skills?

We can help by modeling good communication skills at home, and engaging our kids in pleasant, reciprocal conversations (Feldman et al 2013).

In addition, we can help by actively teaching kids what to do and say.

For instance, kids benefit when we teach them the art of "active listening."

That's when a person makes it clear that he or she is paying attention -- by making appropriate eye contact, orienting the body in the direction of the speaker, remaining quiet, and making relevant verbal responses (Bierman 1986).

And according to psychologists Fred Frankel and Robert Myatt (2003), we can train kids to become better conversationalists by offering them these concrete tips:

When starting a conversation with someone new, trade information about your "likes" and "dislikes."

Don't be an interviewer. Don't merely ask questions. Offer information about yourself.

Don't be a conversation hog. When engaged in conversation, only answer the question at hand. When you're done, give your partner the chance to talk.

Does your child need more opportunities to practice? Try a phone call, or an online video chat.

7. Host social activities that encourage cooperation -- not competition.

Studies suggest that kids get along better when they are engaged in cooperative activities -- activities in which kids work toward a common goal (Roseth et al 2008). This is true in the classroom, and it's also true when children play (Gelb and Jacobson 1988).

So if children are struggling socially, it's probably a good idea to steer them away from competitive games, at least until they develop better social skills (Frankel and Myatt 2002).

And Fred Frankel and Robert Myatt offer this additional advice: If your child has a play date, remove toys and games that might spark conflict. For example, they recommend that parents put away toy weapons, as well as any items that could provoke competition or envy. If your child has a prized possession that he or she can't bear to share, it's best to hide it until the play date is over.

Want to learn more about the benefits of cooperative play? See this Parenting Science article.

And for a list of specific social activities to try, see my page, "Social skills activities for children and teens."

8. Show your child how to handle awkward social situations.

To see what I mean, let's get really specific.

Suppose a child, Sophie, sees several kids playing together. Sophie wants to join them, but she doesn't know how. What should she do?

Victoria Finnie and Alan Russell presented the mothers of preschool children with this hypothetical scenario, asking them to weigh in (Finnie and Russell 1988). And interestingly, the mothers who came up with the best advice were also the mothers whose children demonstrated the best social skills.

What did these sage mothers say?

Before making your approach, watch what the other kids are doing. What can you do to fit in?

Try joining the game by doing something relevant. For example, if kids are playing a restaurant game, see if you can become a new customer.

Don't be disruptive or critical or try to change the game.

If the other kids don't want you to join in, don't try to force it. Just back off and find something else to do.

It's good advice we can pass along to our own kids. And we shouldn't miss the bigger message from this study: Children benefit when we help them come up with concrete strategies for dealing with awkward social situations.

9. Help kids learn the art of compromise and negotiation.

To build positive relationships with peers, kids need to be able to think of peaceful ways to resolve conflicts. They need to be able to understand what other people need and want; they must be capable of anticipating the consequences of various actions.

Kids who grow up with siblings have a built-in advantage for developing these skills. They get lots of opportunities to practice the art of negotiation.

But you don't have to have siblings to learn good social skills, and all kids -- regardless of their family composition -- benefit from a little guidance and instruction. Studies suggest that kids can hone their skills through role-playing exercises and activities that ask them to come up with solutions to hypothetical social clashes (Shure and Spivak 1980; Shure and Spivak 1982; Vestal and Jones 2004; Boyle D and Hassett-Walker 2008.).

So it seems a good bet that we can help children become better social problem-solvers by actively walking them through the process. The next time your child butts heads with someone else, consider it learning opportunity. Help your child think of a solution that will be acceptable to both sides.

10. Teach your child how to express remorse and make amends.

It happens to everyone. We mess up. We make a bad judgment. We cause harm or bad feelings.

What happens next? If we are shamed or "cancelled" for our mistakes, we tend to focus on our own negative emotions. We may feel humiliation, resentment, and even anger. And that doesn't help us repair our social relationships. Far from it.

By contrast, consider what happens if we feel a sense of guilt. Feeling guilty can be constructive. We reflect on how our actions have affected others. We empathize with our victims. And it inspires us to try to repair the damage we've caused.

The difference is crucial for making and keeping friends.

Studies confirm that children -- even children as young as 4 years -- are more likely to forgive a peer for wrongdoing if that peer actively apologizes. And as children get a bit older (and more sophisticated), they pay attention to signs that the perpetrator is remorseful. In fact, they don't always require an explicit apology -- not if they observe signs of remorse (Oostenbroek and Vaish 2019).

But what's the most effective way to repair a relationship? Don't just apologize, or act remorseful. Make amends.

In an experiment on 6- and 7-year-olds, researchers observed how children responded to a transgressor who knocked down a tower they'd been building. Kids were forgiving if the transgressor apologized, but they still felt upset. The only thing that made these kids feel better was if the transgressor actively helped them re-build their tower (Drell and Jaswal 2015).

So that's what we should aim for -- teaching our kids how to repair relationships and improve bad feelings. From an early age, we should coach them on how to deliver apologies, and how to make amends for their mistakes.

11. Encourage your child to be understanding, and forgiving of other people's mistakes.

Kids can be forgiving, but it doesn't always come naturally. In fact, some children have an ongoing problem with vindictiveness. They tend to assume that other people are hostile, and they may brood about perceived slights and insults.
Maybe it was a careless accident. Maybe the transgressor was stressed-out about something, or feeling tired or ill. Maybe the transgressor was simply having a bad day, and you happened to get in his way.
If that's your child's problem, you'll want to help change his or her perceptions of other people. Help your child consider a transgressor's point of view, and ask your child to think of alternative explanations for problematic behavior.

When adults ask kids to think about such alternative explanations, kids are more likely to give perpetrators the benefit of the doubt (Van Djik et al 2019).

Of course, not every child needs such prodding. Some kids are too indulgent towards wrong-doers. They blame themselves when they get victimized, and remain in relationships that leave them perpetually exploited or mistreated (Luchies et al 2010).

So we need to be mindful of the situation, and give each child the type of support he or she needs.

12. Monitor your child's social life, but be careful about becoming too controlling -- especially as your child gets older.

Studies in a variety of cultures suggest that children are better off when their parents stay informed about their social activities (Parke et al 2002).

Called "parental monitoring," this includes doing things like

supervising where young children play;

helping children find opportunities to meet and socialize with friendly, prosocial peers;

talking to your children's friends when they come to visit, and

asking your kids to tell you about things they've done in their free time.

There's also evidence in favor of setting certain limits, like insisting that your adolescent tell you in advance about the details of an evening out.
But parents need to tread carefully. They can embarrass their children -- and scare off potential friends -- by becoming too intrusive.
Who will you be hanging out with? What will you be doing? Where will you go?

And if kids perceive us to be too controlling, they are more likely to reject our guidance. In fact, in one study, adolescents actually became more likely to choose a delinquent peer as a friend if they thought their parents were overplaying their authority (Tilton-Weaver et al 2013).

So it's important to give your child a sense of autonomy, and communicate your concerns in a way that seems reasonable and respectful. Otherwise your child may come to view your authority as illegitimate, and behave accordingly.

For more information, see my article, "Why kids rebel: What children believe about the legitimacy of adult authority."

Copyright © 2006-2020 by Gwen Dewar, Ph.D.; all rights reserved.
For educational purposes only. If you suspect you have a medical problem, please see a physician.

References: How to help kids make friends

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Denham, SA, Mitchell-Copeland J, Strandberg K, Auerbach S and Blair K. 1997. Parental contributions to preschoolers' emotional competence: Direct and indirect effects. Motivation and Emotion 21:65-86.

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Content of "How to help kids make friends" last modified 10/ 2020

Image credits for "How to help kids make friends"

Title image is cropped from a photo by Lance Shields / flickr

image of mother and boy with seagulls by anurakpong /istock

image of father talking with girl on sofa by fizkes /istock

image of little girl looking at injured boy by Tsomka

image of pensive, anxious little girl by Ami Parikh / shutterstock

image of silhouette of boys by John D. / flickr

image of boy in conversation online by StockRocket / istock

image of girls holding hands in circle outdoors by Rawpixel.com / shutterstock

image of little girl feeling left out while other kids talk / ilona75 /istock

image of father reasoning with boy and girl on the grass by imtmphoto /istock

black and white image of girls by chilobiano / wikimedia commons

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Help kids make friends: 12 evidence-based tips

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© 2020 Gwen Dewar, Ph.D., all rights reserved How can we help kids make friends? It might seem we can do very little. Making friends is a very personal business, after all. But building a friendship depends on a child's emotional skills, self-regulation skills, and social competence.

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Looking to make new friends? These tips can help you meet people, start a conversation, and cultivate good friendships.

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More info sheets

Author: AnxietyBC

There are some general strategies that anyone can use to help manage their anxiety. Although it is always a good idea to seek professional help if you have an anxiety disorder, especially in more severe cases, help is not always readily available. Even if you do decide to seek help, there are still a number of things that you can do on your own to better manage your anxiety.

Although there are specific strategies aimed at helping people cope with different types of anxiety problems, here are some general strategies that can help anyone who is experiencing problematic anxiety:

1. Learning about anxiety

2. Learning to relax

3. Challenging anxious or worrisome thoughts

4. Facing fears

Step 1. Learning about anxiety

This is a very important first step because it helps you understand what is happening to you when you experience anxiety. Remember that knowledge is power. Just knowing why you are feeling anxious is a good step toward managing your anxiety.

What you need to know about anxiety:

Anxiety is normal. Everyone experiences anxiety at some point in time. For example, it is normal to feel anxious riding a rollercoaster or before a job interview.

Anxiety is adaptive. It helps us prepare for real danger (such as a bear jumping out of the woods) or performing at our best (i.e. it motivates us to get ready for an important meeting or presentation). When we experience anxiety, it triggers our "fight-flight-freeze" response and gets our body ready to defend itself (e.g. our heart beats faster to pump blood to our muscles so we have the energy to run away or fight off danger). Without it, we would not survive.

Anxiety can become a problem when our body reacts but there is no real danger. It can be helpful to think of anxiety as a smoke alarm. A smoke alarm can help protect us when there is an actual fire, but sometimes the alarm goes off when there isn't a real fire (e.g. burning toast in the toaster). Like a smoke alarm, anxiety is helpful when it alerts us to real danger but if it goes off when there is no real danger, we may want to fix it. We don't want to take the batteries out of the alarm in case there is a real fire but we do want to fix the alarm so that it doesn't go off every time we make toast.

For more information see What is Anxiety.

Step 2. Learning to relax

The second step involves learning to relax. Two strategies can be particularly helpful: calm breathing and muscle relaxation.

Calm Breathing: This is a strategy that you can use to calm down quickly. We tend to breathe faster when we are anxious, which can make us feel dizzy and lightheaded, and even more anxious. Calm breathing involves taking slow and gentle breaths. Breathe in through the nose, pause, then breathe out through the mouth, pausing for several seconds before taking another breath. For more information, see How to do Calm Breathing.

Muscle Relaxation: Another helpful strategy is learning to relax your body by tensing various muscles and then relaxing them. This strategy can help lower overall tension and stress levels. It also helps you to be more aware of when you are feeling stressed. For a detailed description of muscle relaxation, see How to do Progressive Muscle Relaxation.

Step 3. Challenging anxious/worrisome thoughts

When we are anxious, we tend to see the world as very threatening and dangerous. However, this way of thinking can be overly negative and unrealistic. One strategy for helping you to manage anxiety involves replacing "anxious" or "worried" thinking with realistic or balanced thinking. This strategy involves learning to see things in a clear and fair way, without being overly negative or focusing only on the bad. However, it takes time to shift anxious thinking, so be patient and consistently practice these skills. For more information on identifying and challenging anxious and worrisome thoughts, see Realistic Thinking.

Step 4. Facing fears

The final and most important step in managing your anxiety involves facing your fears; this is called exposure. If you have been avoiding certain situations, places or objects out of fear, it will be important for you to start exposing yourself to those things so that you can get over your fears in the long run. It is usually easiest to start with something that is not too scary, then work up to the things that cause a great deal of anxiety. Start by making a list of feared situations, places or objects, such as saying "hi" to a co-worker, entering a crowded grocery store, riding the bus, or anything else that you are avoiding. Once you have made a list, try and arrange them from the least to the most scary. Starting with the situations that cause the least anxiety, repeatedly enter that situation and remain there until you notice your anxiety start to come down. Once you can enter that situation (on numerous occasions) without experiencing much anxiety, you can move on to the next thing on the list. For more information please see Facing Your Fears - Exposure.

Building on bravery

Learning to manage anxiety takes a lot of hard work. If you are noticing improvements, take some time to give yourself credit: reward yourself.

How do you maintain all the progress you've made?

Practice! Practice! Practice!

In a way, learning to manage anxiety is a lot like exercise-you need to "keep in shape" and practice your skills regularly. Make them a habit. This is true even after you are feeling better and have reached your goals.

Don't be discouraged if you start using old behaviors. This can happen during stressful times or during transitions (for example, starting a new job or moving). This tendency is normal and means that you need to start practicing using the tools. Remember, coping with anxiety is a lifelong process.

For more information on how to maintain your progress and how to cope with relapses in symptoms, see How to Prevent a Relapse

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General Self-Help Strategies for Anxiety

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More info sheets Author: AnxietyBC There are some general strategies that anyone can use to help manage their anxiety. Although it is always a good idea to seek professional help if you have an anxiety disorder, especially in more severe cases, help is not always readily available.

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When you're feeling anxious or stressed, the strategies listed below can help you cope. We also encourage you to visit our managing stress and anxiety website page for helpful resources.

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Welcome!

This section contains information on how to manage anxiety in general as well as information and management strategies specific to several disorders. There is a lot of information in this section so remember you can always come back and learn more.

You may also find these strategies most helpful while undergoing therapy.

Do you have mild to moderate anxiety?

If you have mild to moderate anxiety, click here to learn more general strategies for managing your anxiety at home.

Do you have a diagnosed (or suspected) anxiety-related disorder?

Click here for a list of 7 disorders and subtypes. Click on each disorder for a more detailed description (including a video and stories) as well as self-help strategies that are specific to that disorder.

Introduction video by Dr. Michael Catchpole

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Self-Help - Managing Anxiety: Getting Started

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Welcome! This section contains information on how to manage anxiety in general as well as information and management strategies specific to several disorders. There is a lot of information in this section so remember you can always come back and learn more. You may also find these strategies most helpful while undergoing therapy.

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Bullying : Durham Region, ON : Mental Health Services, Help and Support : eMentalHealth.ca

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Directory of Bullying Services, Help and Support for Durham Region, ON including Oshawa, Pickering, Clarington, Uxbridge and Beaverton,Port Perry

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Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention

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The last thing that most people expect is that they will run out of reasons to live. But if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, you need to know that you're not alone. By some estimates, as many as one in six people will become seriously suicidal at some point in their lives.

Some Important Facts We Would Like to Share with You

Suicidal thinking is usually associated with problems that can be treated.

Clinical depression, anxiety disorders, chemical dependency, and other disorders produce profound emotional distress. They also interfere with effective problem-solving. But you need to know that studies show that the vast majority of people who receive appropriate treatment improve or recover completely. Even if you have received treatment before, you should know that different treatments work better for different people in different situations. Several tries are sometimes necessary before the right combination is found.

If you are unable to think of solutions other than suicide, it is not that solutions don't exist, only that you are currently unable to see them.

Therapists and counselors (and sometimes friends) can help you to see solutions that otherwise are not apparent to you.

Suicidal crises are almost always temporary.

Although it might seem as if your unhappiness will never end, it is important to realize that crises are usually time-limited. Solutions are found, feelings change, unexpected positive events occur. Suicide is sometimes referred to as "a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Don't let suicide rob you of better times that will come your way when you allow more time to pass.

Problems are seldom as great as they appear at first glance.

Job loss, financial problems, loss of important people in our lives - all such stressful events can seem catastrophic at the time they are happening. Then, months or years later, they usually look smaller and more manageable. Sometimes, imagining ourselves "five years down the road" can help us to see that a problem that currently seems catastrophic will pass and that we will survive.

Reasons for living can help sustain a person in pain.

A famous psychologist once conducted a study of Nazi concentration camp survivors, and found that those who survived almost always reported strong beliefs about what was important in life. You, too, might be able to strengthen your connection with life if you consider what has sustained you through hard times in the past. Family ties, religion, love of art or nature, and dreams for the future are just a few of the many aspects of life that provide meaning and gratification, but which we can lose sight of due to emotional distress.

Do not keep suicidal thoughts to yourself!

Help is available for you, whether through a friend, therapist, or member of the clergy. Find someone you trust and let them know how bad things are. This can be your first step on the road to healing. Contact a crisis centre.

Source: American Association for Suicidology, www.suicidology.org

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Need Help - Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention

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The last thing that most people expect is that they will run out of reasons to live. But if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, you need to know that you're not alone. By some estimates, as many as one in six people will become seriously suicidal at some point in their lives.

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Some people get a little weirded out when they hear the word "counselling." That's OK. Basically, counselling is about talking to someone who knows a lot about many different issues that teens face. We think of counselling as a conversation with someone who you can trust, who won't judge you, and who wants to help.