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According to The Price Tag of the American Dream, the amount of money needed to live the American Dream is $130,000. Proving the American Dream is becoming harder to achieve every passing day. The truth is that Collins Powell’s speech of how the American Dream is achievable is a false reality and sense of purpose. According to Howard Gold, a survey conducted by the Brookings Institution revealed that the American dream was “harder to achieve.” Since only 1 in 8 Americans earned enough to live the dream it proves how hard it is to achieve and how it keeps getting harder every day.

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Colin Powell once said that if we work together we can achieve the American dream, but  the truth is, the American dream is expensive. For an average family of four, its about $130,000 a year (source 2, paragraph 3). In fact, only 1 and 8 people earned that much in 2013, and if you live in New York or San Francisco , the cost increases more with higher house prices and taxes. If your living in these types of states, then you're most likely not going the live the American dream.

Feedback:

Add: How much does the average/median household make per year? This statistic will support your claim and show how out of reach the dream is. Also, consider including more elaboration regarding the location and the cost of living. Your opening line addresses the counter claim, but make sure to refute it more specifically, maybe at the end of your paragraph once more.

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The American dream is most likely unachievable. A family of four is hard to keep up with, “AAA estimated it would cost $11,039 a year to own one four-wheel-drive ... sport-utility vehicle”. A sports utility vehicle could be used by families that have a working father or mother or if the family wants to go on vacation and they would have to pay these enormous amount of money just to own a vehicle. Families of four don’t earn that much money so they can’t pay for a lot.“Only 16 million U.S. households – around 1 in 8 – earned that much in 2013, according to the U.S. Census Bureau”. We are going back to the great depression except there are more expensive things and more people.

Feedback from Krista

Replace: You could replace your last sentence with something more along the lines "This is soon going to become another great depression."

Add:You could have used ore transition words.

Delete: there is nothing you really need to delete.

Reorder: You can reorder your evidence sio it flowas more smoothly

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The dream that thousands of Americans share together is not actually achievable be most. The American dream is where people living in America can live this perfect life that they make annual amount of over $130k. According to Howard Gold, a survey was conducted by the Brookings Institution revealed that the American dream was "harder to achieve". The dream might have looked easy and possible for everyone in the beginning but now reality has shown. If we all come together to try and keep the dream alive we dont stand a chance.

Feedback from Nathan

Replace: Your last sentence could have a better transition that would help lead to the conclusion.

Add: You could add more uses of therefore, however, and other transitional devices.

Delete: You could delete the part where you say what the American dream is "where people living in America."

Reorder: You could transition some of your explanation to after you state the evidence.

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Everyone has a dream, for themselves and for others. Many Americans have a dream for America. This dream, being called the 'American dream'. To some, this so called dream doesn't exist. According to Howard Gold, a survey conducted by the Brookings Institution revealed that the American dream was "harder to achieve". This being the fact that is has a price tag with an amount of money we can't even imagine owning. An analysis by USA Today states that living in this dream cost an average family of four, $130,000 a year (paragraph 6; Price Tag of The American Dream). Only around 1 in 8 families earned that much in 2013. This price tag extends more every year, causing us to get further away from our goals. On the other hand, yes, the American dream sounds all good and within our reach at times, but we are still struggling with what we have now.

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Add:

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Numerous Americans as well as some people who would wish to be American believe that the American Dream can still be achieved. The truth is the American Dream may be achievable for some, but not all. According to the “Price tag for the American dream” to live the American Dream you must annually make $130k+. The American Dream is supposed to be this perfect life where you will “pursue a rewarding career, lead a healthy and personally fulfilling life, and being able to retire in comfort”. Living the American Dream is supposed to be as easy as it sounds. It’s not, to own a home it costs $17,062 a year, to buy groceries for a family of four would be approximately $12,659 yearly. Medical expenses, car ownership, “extras”, education, and retirement would all add to the price of $130k+. For some, the American Dream is achievable and enjoyable. Colin Powell makes a good point “we gather here to pledge that those of us who are more fortunate will not forsake those who are less fortunate” if wealthy people help the less fortunate the American Dream may be achievable for all. We must remember though, there are people who are stingy and only want to help only themselves. Therefore the American Dream will never be achievable.

Feedback from MeiYean-

Replace-

*replace the word achievable with obtainable or feasible for some of the sentences.

Add-

* add more elaboration after your evidence about how it effects someone or the person

Delete-

* delete the repetitive piece of evidence

Reorder -

*put your counterclaim towards the end of yourvparagraph

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In the article price tag for american states that the cost for a family to take trips, go to restaurants, or any extra events totals to $17,000 a year. People who still believe that the american dream is an achievable goal is in denial. According to Howard Gold, a survey was conducted by the Bookings institution revealed that the american dream is actually harder to achieve . To even imagine having to owe the cost of the american dream is idealistic, to try to live the american dream u would have to make $130k plus more to live the american dream with the perfect lifestyle. Only around 1 in 8 people earn that much money in 2013 to actually live the american dream. The annual price tag for the american dream rises each year, therefore having fewer people living the american dream lifestyle.

Replace: Try not to address the audience (you, u, etc.), rather using a broader pronoun like "one would have to make..."

Add: References to sources! Also, address the counter claim.

Also, add a more relevant elaboration to the "extra events" piece of evidence. What is the significance of only $17,000?

Delete: "People who still believe that the american dream is an achievable goal is in denial." (Detracts from argument due to redundancy.)

Reorder: Provide a counter claim as your opening line / transition.

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Many people cant afford to take time off or go on trips ."Only 16 million U.S households around 1 in 8 - earned that much in 2013 , according to the U.S Census Burea"(source 2). This goes to show that many people cant even make enough money to support there families. They aren't able to have fun or even live a average life. "It costs a lot less to live the American Dream in , say Indianapolis or Tulsa than it does in metro areas like New York and San Francisco, where housing prices are sky high "(source 2). Its harder for families to find a place they want to live where they can afford. The American Dream cant be afforded!

feedback from Jayde

Replace: You don't need to replace anything.

Add: You can add better transitions.

Delete: Really don't need to delete anything.

Reorder: you can reorder the sentence before your second piece of evidence.

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Even though sharing the American dream can give hope and not let a "dream deferred" as said in Sharing in the American dream by Colin Powell but that is raising hope then breaking it down. The amount of $130,357 is a difficult goal to achieve to reach the American dream.“Only 16 million U.S. households – around 1 in 8 – earned that much in 2013, according to the U.S. Census Bureau” (Source 2). Not every family can receive that quantity of money, when most people have a tough time to get jobs because of jobs being laid off. Families are given a reason to believe the American dream but a ccording to Howard Gold, a survey conducted by the Brookings Institution revealed that the American dream was “harder to achieve”. Howard Gold explains that the American dream cost too much that many people are unable to achieve the dream for them and their children.

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Although the American Dream might possible for some to live it, most Americans aren’t able to because of the ridiculous expenses. A graphic in “Price Tag for the American Dream” reveals that the costly amount for the average “extras” like family vacations, entertainment, and restaurants totals $17,009.  This is the price just for fun, for others who are just getting by, spending over 17k on “extras” may not be the priority. Groceries and house mortgages are the prime concern.  If vacations, entertainment and restaurants are all a part of the American dream, the majority aren’t able to achieve that because of the high costs.  This is just the tip of the iceberg because AAA says that it would cost about $11,039 a year just to own one vehicle. Imagine how many cars an average family of four would own. All of the costs add up and this results in a very costly price tag. Thus, the American dream is a distant goal to many.
Feedback from Starla
Replace: I don't really think anything should be replaced

Add: In the first sentence you forgot to put "be" after the word might.

Delete: You should take out the seventh sentence because a family of four can all fit in one car. Also you should take out the word it before the comma in the first sentence.

Reorder: You should put the fifth sentence somewhere with the second and third sentences.

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While the American Dream is possible to obtain as Collin Powell stated, but for most it is difficult to earn enough to live it.  “Only 16 million U.S. households – around 1 in 8 – earned that much in 2013, according to the U.S. Census Bureau” (Source 2).  Living the American Dream is more like winning the American Lottery.  This idol lifestyle said to be spread but really is like cold butter that can’t be spread and only globs to certain areas of the toast. The people with the most money can live this life but others get nothing, like the regions of the toast without butter.

Feedback from Andrea

Replace: idol with "desired" "finer" or even "super star"

Add: You could also say that you have about the same odds of winning the American Lottery as you do living the American Dream.

Delete:the word "just" in the second sentence.

Reorder:You could maybe put the second sentence before the first sentence, but I'm not exactly sure about how that would sound.

*lifestyle is one word

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The American Dream is too expensive to live in luxury. It costs $17,009 on just vacations, entertainment, and restaraunts, and if you don't pay for these expenses, then where is the dream? The American Dream may be affordable and would be possible if we all work together for the future children of America, but it's too expensive adding up to $130,000 for the average family of four.

Feedback from josiahs

Replace: The American dream could be banal and not luxurious; to, then where is the dream.

Add: You can add more elaborations and more context and more details because it's basically the same thing.

Delete: The American Dream may be affordable and would be possible if we all work together.

Reorder:

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As stated in USA TODAY article on the American Dream " AAAA estimated it would cost $11.039 on average a year to own a four wheel drive sport utility vehicle". That would be just a fraction of living the American Dream. Than there is also the cost of enjoyment. That be family vacations, entertainment, and eating out, all together it would be costing about $ 17,000 a year. Thus making it clearer that all things have a price.

Feedback from Bryce

Replace- Replace "that be" with "that would mean.;

Add- A dd your sources for you evidence.

Delete- Delete the fourth "A" in"AAAA."

Reorder- Nothing

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According to Howard Gold, a survey was conducted by the Brooking Institution , revealed that the American dream was "harder to achieve." Although it seems that everyone in America is already living the American dream, most Americans have not achieved it yet because of the expenses that come along with it. Starvation, poverty and abuse are some of the major setbacks for achieving the dream. A graphic in "Price Tag for the American Dream" reveals that the costly amount for the average "extras" like family vacation, entertainment, and restaurants totals $17,009. Because the expenses are so high it makes it harder to reach the dream.

Feedback from Grant

Replace:

Add: Need more elaboration with each piece of evidence

Delete:

Reorder:

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In the article "Price Tag for the American Dream" reveals that the costly amount for the average "extras like family vacations, entertainment, and restaurants totals $17,009." $17,009 is a gigantic amount of money just for extras like going on vacation or even just going out to eat. More than half of the population's families cannot afford that kind of money and don't usually get to go on vacations or out to eat every once in a while. Studies have shown that the average family of four it costs around $130,000 a year, that's including car, food and other expenses. Therefore the "American Dream" is deferred because of all the expenses and road blocks that come with living

Feedback from: Destiny

Replace: Gigantic with abundance.

Add: You should add more of an elaboration, because you have a lot of evidence.

Delete: you should delete the sentence that starts with 17,009.

Reorder: Nothing needs to be reordered, but you use use a better vocabulary.

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The American Dream isn't achievable, partly because problems such as cost get in the way of things. A ridiculous amount of money is needed just for primary things such as vehicles, entertainment, and eating out. A graphic in "Price Tag for the American Dream" reveals that the costly amount for the average "extras" such as family vacations, entertainment, and restaurants totals $17,009. "AAA estimated that it would cost $11,039 a year to own one four-wheel-drive sport-utility vehicle”. If just one vehicle is so costly, imagine how much money will be needed to spent for more than one vehicle, for an average family of four! Expense is close to unfixable, and it is a major factor that certainly brings the American Dream close to impossible. edited by Daniel:

Replace: The introduction sentence with The American dream isn't achievable because of the ongoing prices to live it.

Add:Some elaboration between $17,000" and "AAA

Delete: close to in the last sentence in order to make it less opinionated

Reorder: The place of the evident by moving the"AAA" a little down to spread out your evidence and elaboration

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The "American Dream" has powered the hopes and aspirations of Americans and millions of other people for generations. It began as a plain but revolutionary notion : each person has the right to pursue happiness, and the freedom to strive for a better life through hard work and fair ambition. But over time you realize the so called American Dream is just both but a well Dream. According to Howard Gold this dream has come to represent a set of expectations about owning things and making money. So what exactly is the American Dream? How did we come to define it? And is it changing the ways we live to this day?

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According to Howard Gold, a survey conducted by the Brookings Institution revealed that the American dream was "harder to achieve". If the American Dream is so hard to achieve, why must we continue to beleive that we can reach this dream? The American Dream is just a belief, nothing more. Achieving this dream would be like winning the lottery, a one in a million chance. So is the cost and pain really worth living a life that won't ever be what we want it to be? Sadly it's not, we can have plenty of amazing unforgettable times without achieving the impossible dream we all desire.

Feedback from Max Sills:

Replace: "a one in a million chance" a once in a life time opportunity.

Add: a little more elaboration on "the american dream is just a belief, nothing more"

Delete: "the american dream is just a belief, nothing more"

Reorder: the 1st sentence to "according to Howard Gold the so called american dream is "harder to achieve" that most people may think.

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The achievable "American Dream" or is it ? A dream to costly that not even a family of four can afford. So how are we enjoying this dream ? An estimated amount of 130,000 a year was made as to be the amount to be needed yearly. "Only 16 million U.S. households
– around 1 in 8 – earned that much in 2013, according to the U.S. Census Bureau” (Source 2). So you see that this dream is not possible, and not every body is even close. A graphic in “Price Tag for the
American Dream” reveals that the costly amount for the average “extras” like
family vacations, entertainment, and restaurants totals $17,009. With family summer vacation being at the highest with 4580 dollars. so why are we saying this dream is possible when in reality it was all just a dream.

Feedback from Zariah

Replace: The first sentence with an actual sentence not a question.

Add:

Delete: The first sentence because it sounds like your introduction paragraph.

Reorder:

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Feedback from Saloni

Replace- Replace all of the "you needs" with "is needed" so that it doesn't seem like you're talking to the audience.

R

Add- Add a proper hook instead of just starting the paragraph with information

Delete- Delete unnecessary elaboration

Reorder- Used "you" way too often... to make it seem like you aren't talking to the audience, reorder the sentences so that you don't have to use the word "you".

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A graphic in “Price Tag for the American Dream” reveals that the costly amount for the average “extras” like family vacations, entertainment, and restaurants totals $17,009.  In other words, $17,009 out-of-pocket that some families simply do not have. Although these “extras” are what make people want to chase and follow the American dream, all of these “extras” aren't really necessary. This money could be spent on college tuition for children, a year of groceries, or owning a pet instead of chasing some dream that could turn into failure anyways. Also, as statistics show in Source 2, “only 16 million U.S. households – around 1 in 8 – earned [$130,000] in 2013, according to the U.S. Census Bureau” . Most regular salaries range from between 50,000 to 70,000 a year. Basically it would take the average American several years to have enough money to achieve the American dream. So if you think about it, not being able to achieve the American dream is an understatement. This fantasy that most imagine themselves attaining is nearly impossible, unless of course, you’re Kim Kardashian or someone else who is born into wealth.

Feedback From Alex

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Replace: unless of course, you’re Kim Kardashian or someone else who is born into wealth simply do not have.

Add: A clear counter or a counter claim in general.

Delete: In other words, $17,009 out-of-pocket that some families simply do not have.

Reorder: “extras” like family vacations, entertainment, and restaurants totals $17,009.  In other words, $17,009 out-of-pocket that some families simply do not have. Although these “extras” are what make people want to chase and follow the American dream, all of these “extras” aren't really necessary. This money could be spent on college tuition for children, a year of groceries, or owning a pet instead of chasing some dream that could turn into failure anyways by putting it near the end.

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The American Dream may seem possible to many people, but the truth is that the American Dream is just that, a dream. The American Dream cost an estimate of 130k a year, few Americans can ever achieve this dream because of this. “Only 16 million U.S. households – around 1 in 8 – earned that much in 2013, according to the U.S. Census Bureau” (Source 2). Some people might believe that anyone can achieve this dream, but it is not possible for most. Only 1 in 8 Americans make enough money to achieve the amount of money needed, but what about the other millions of people who can’t achieve the amount of money needed to achieve this dream. Also according to Howard Gold, a survey conducted by the Brookings Institution revealed that the American dream was “harder to achieve.” To some the dream may seem possible but, as time goes by this so called “American Dream” becomes more and more expensive to the point where that many just can afford the expenses to live the dream. The reality of this dream is that this dream is next to impossible, and to some it as well be.

Feedback from Shawn

Replace- The word dream with words like fantasy, not all the time.

Add- more clear counterclaim

Delete- "Some people might believe that anyone can achieve this dream, but it is not possible for most" and address counterclaim better.

Reorder- Move the line "Only 1 in 8 Americans make enough money to achieve the amount of money needed, but what about the other millions of people who can’t achieve the amount of money needed to achieve this dream." to immediately after the first evidence.

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Family’s work hard each day in order to make the annual dead line of the American dream, which cost over $130,000 which is to much to achieve. Around 1 in 8 families make the amount needed to achieve this so called American dream. This number suggest that out of America’s population only 16 million households experience the dream. As these statistics given by Robert Gold suggest, the dream isn’t as manageable as Collin Powel thought and anticipated so achieving the American dream will not be possible. As this once called dream dissipates the nightmare rises and the dream is no longer achievable.

feedback from Kevin Frazier:

replace: the so called american dream replace the to this

Add: start off with the american dream not being achievable.

Delete: 130k say thousand

Reorder: the counter claim

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The American dream fantasy is enormously expensive lie that all but the rich and prosperous can afford. The average amount of money needed to take care of an average family of four is more than 100,000 dollars. In fact according to source 2 “Only 16 million U.S. households – around 1 in 8 – earned that much in 2013, according to the U.S. Census Bureau.” This makes the American dream next to impossible to all the families who can’t afford to provide for their children. According to Howard Gold, a survey conducted by the Brookings Institution revealed that the American dream was “harder to achieve.” The American Dream may cost too much to even be possible for the average family. With prices still steadily rising the American Dream isn’t going to get any easier. This makes that coming together and making the American Dream possible for everyone as Colin Powell believes isn’t even possible for most of the people trying to help him, therefore thwarting even the idea of a American reality.