# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
The Book of Life - Developing Emotional Intelligence - The Book of Life is the 'brain' of The School of Life, a gathering of the best ideas around wisdom and emotional intelligence.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Complaining carries such negative connotations, it can be hard to remember that there are better and worse ways of doing it - and indeed, hard to realise that an essential ingredient of love is to know how to level complaints kindly.

So many of our critical thoughts are legitimate, yet they are let down by their method of delivery: we nag, we harangue, we attack, we rant, we make cutting, sarcastic remarks, all of which make our partner deny and escape rather than investigate how they might learn.

Complaining is a skill. Typically if we haven't carefully practiced a complicated task (like playing the violin or reversing an articulated lorry), we'll do it very badly; but in principle it can be done successful, if we develop the relevant skills. So too with complaining. The notion of a skill is generous to the inadequacy of our natural instincts. It proposes that many important tasks will be beyond us, unless we undergo a period of training.

In this spirit, here is a short guide to how to complain well:
1. Layering criticism with reassurance
Any criticism (as we know when we're on the receiving end) feels like a withdrawal of love. Therefore it's extremely helpful to convey great admiration and respect as we're announcing our negative insight.

Compare the effect of saying:
- You know your breath stinks. It's disgusting.
As opposed to:
- I love giving you a kiss, but there's just this one tiny thing: it's even nicer when you've just brushed your teeth.
Or:
- Why the hell were you flirting with that idiotic person?
As opposed to:
- You are so lovely and I can't help imagining other people finding you attractive. Don't blame me for being selfish: I want to keep you to myself. 2. Making it clear that it's normal, and understandable, for your partner to have this failing
One of the things we are primed to resent is being made to feel freakish or being negatively compared to others who are 'good', while (obviously) we are 'bad'.

We say:
- No-one on the planet has to put up with this, why can't you see that obviously it was your turn to take the bins out?
Instead of:
- Taking the bins out is obviously about the most boring task imaginable. I can't imagine anyone not wanting to get out of it, but it occurs to me that maybe yesterday it was actually your turn.
Or:
- You've become probably the least imaginative person in the world in bed. Martin and Jannine are fucking like crazy, what's wrong with you?
Instead of:
- I don't know anyone whose sex life has stood the test of time, but maybe we could slightly buck the trend? 3. Use qualifiers - maybe, perhaps, possibly, by chance
Often what we hate about criticism is its directness. In a secret part of our minds we're not inherently unwilling to accept that we're very far from perfect - but we can't bear having certain truths stated to us bluntly. Compare:
- I hate the way you try to tell a story: you're like some demented robot that has no idea what needs to be explained first, what's an irrelevant detail or what the point of the whole thing is.
With:
- It sometimes seems to me that maybe you haven't entirely got in focus the reaction you are hoping to elicit from others.
Or:
- You are such a revolting snob, I want to die of shame when I hear you pontificating in front of other people.
With:
- I wonder if it's just possible that at times not everyone fully identifies with the interesting point you are making. 4. Explain what is genuinely at stake for you
We don't realise it, but often our criticism doesn't perfectly target the real source of our distress: we lash out and condemn our partner in their whole being, rather than surgically addressing a very precise problem. We might say:
- You're a cunt/bastard.
Rather than:
- When you were slightly abrupt with my mother, it made my unhappy. I totally understand: she's not your best friend and she can be pretty annoying; but I feel I have to be loyal to her, I can't emotionally afford to alienate her more than I already have. I hardly dare ask, but I'd love you to grit your teeth and be sweet with her. I know its a lot to ask but it would mean so much to me.
Or even:
- You've ruined my whole life!
Rather than:
- It's pretty difficult to explain, but I have this quite intense thing about cutlery. I know it sounds weird, but it does bother me when the knives and forks don't match. Ultimately I suppose matching means harmony for me. It's a little detail that speaks about a grand theme. When you bought those new knives, I know your were thinking they were a bargain - but would you mind very much if we kept them in reserve. Maybe on Saturday we can go and look for some others. 5. Reveal the longing beneath the complaint
Quite often, when we complain there's a vulnerable part of us that wants to be recognised, appreciated and looked after. But we're understandably nervous about revealing our deepest hopes. So instead we go on the attack.

We opt for:
- You promised you'd be here at seven and it's seven fourteen, you drive me mad!
But don't dare admit:
- I was counting down the time till you got here, I'm so excited and nervous that we've got this time just to ourselves, I worry that I'm keener on you than you are on me. I so want things to go well, that's why I'm agitated - a few minutes doesn't really matter.
We say:
- Did you really pay that for a haircut, I can't believe how vain you are.
Because we can't admit:
- I'm worried that you don't think I'm attractive, so when I see you taking an interest in your own appearance it makes me feel you are too good for me. I feel very unsure about being liked or found interesting or appealing and I want you to understand this about me.
In each pair of statements the underlying criticism is exactly the same but it is delivered in radically different ways.

Taking turns, each imagine you are an actor trying out for two different roles in a film. One option is that you'll be cast at as a harsh critic; and in the other, you'll be skilled at delivering a critique surely but with minimal hostility. The film is based generically on your life as a couple. There are two versions for each scene: one in which the harsh critic appears, and one in which the gentle, skilled critic has a starring role.

If you can bear to, pick out for the director a few criticisms you've each recently had of each other and play out the scenes using the two divergent characters.

How would the harsh critic announce what they're unhappy about? How might the skilled critic speak?

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Complaining carries such negative connotations, it can be hard to remember that there are better and worse ways of doing it - and indeed, hard to realise that an essential ingredient of love is to know how to level complaints kindly.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Relationship and family counselling, mediation and sex therapy in Brighton and Sussex. Get help with your relationship today.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Welcome to Brighton & Hove Family Service Directory

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
The waiter appeared at our table again, this time offering a basket full of bread rolls just pulled from the oven. I picked out my third piece of the night, and carved out a heap of cultured butter, flecked with sea salt.

"What have you been up to at work?" I asked my boyfriend Scott.

This was last June. We were at a corner table at a Michelin-star restaurant in New York. We'd been dating for three years, and living together in San Francisco for a little over a year. I'd temporarily moved to New York to participate in the four-month TED Residency. He'd surprised me with this dinner to celebrate the end of the program.

It was a grand gesture, and one I appreciated, because we were not doing well.

Our relationship had been shaky since January, turned upside down by several big changes in my life. After almost a decade in the corporate world, I'd quit my job to pursue my passion. I'd gone from earning a tech salary to earning no salary, and from working in an office with thousands of people to working alone at home.

We'd had several long, difficult conversations over the past few months. I told him what I needed from him and the relationship. I stated my values that I felt weren't being met (community, friends, travel) and asked him if he could meet me halfway. We even went to a terrible couples therapist. He quoted his own Facebook posts to us and suggested that we, neurotic Jews, should start doing extreme sports together to reconnect. Ironically, we bonded over our mutual dislike of him.

During one of those difficult conversations, Scott mentioned that I never seemed to listen to him when he talked about work.

"You think what I do is boring," he said. "It's not. We're trying to help save women's lives by improving breast cancer screening."

He was right. I never really understood what he did. I worked in tech but I'm not a particularly technical person. I could barely work my DSLR camera. When people asked me about my boyfriend's job in artificial intelligence at Google, I replied with a word salad of "machine learning," "computer vision," and "medical imaging," until they nodded sympathetically and the conversation moved on.

Finally the four months of long distance were over. Scott had flown across the country to see my TED talk, which focused on romantic relationships. I work as a dating coach and researcher, studying ways we can make better decisions in our love lives. The irony wasn't lost on me that I was helping others create lasting love while my own relationship faltered. There, at that corner table at that fancy restaurant, I finally decided to learn what my boyfriend did for a living.

He provided the basics of his job-what he does and why it's different from traditional radiology. When I asked more questions, he explained that mammograms consist of four pictures-one of each breast from above and from the side. Radiologists usually look all four images together to look for cancer, but Scott's artificial intelligence team only looked at the two images from each breast, not the pair.

I began to ask him what the radiologists gained from looking at the four together, which the machine learning algorithms were missing out on.

"Sometimes a pattern appears in both breasts in the same place, which makes it less likely to be malignant," he said.

"Oh," I said. "So why don't you train the model to take one set of images and compare it to the other to see if it's symmetrical? Then you can rule out cancer if it is."

"How would you do that?"

"Take one set, flip it, and put it on top of the other."

He put down his forkful of "foraged seaweed" and stared at me in disbelief.

"What?" I said.

"Wow, I'm just so impressed. That exact idea was used by one of the most competitive entries in a recent machine learning competition."

I sat there, proudly listening to him explain the intricacies of his role on the mammography team. I felt connected to him, wondering why I'd never cared to ask him about his work before. I felt he too was seeing me in a new light, pleased with my newfound interest in his job.

I realized how much I'd asked him to change for our relationship, without being willing to put in the work myself.

And I knew this was the work. The paying attention, the asking questions, the listening. I knew this because of innovative research conducted by John Gottman, one of my relationship science heroes. Earlier that spring, I made a video with The Gottman Institute about "bids," which are attempts a person makes to connect with their partner.

Gottman's groundbreaking ideas about bids were born from his 40-year-long quest to answer one question: What separates the relationship masters from the relationship disasters?

He conducted this research with his colleague Robert Levenson at the University of Washington. He brought couples into an observation facility, dubbed the Love Lab by the media, and recorded them discussing their relationship. He asked them to share the story of how they met and then to recount a recent fight. He even had some couples spend a week in an apartment decked out with cameras (with their permission) to see how they interacted during everyday moments.

Six years later, the researchers followed up with the couples and divided them into two camps: the masters, couples who were still happily married, and disasters, couples who had either broken up or remained together but were unhappy.

When he studied the tapes of these two types of couples, he looked for differences in the content of their conversations. What did the masters discuss that the disasters didn't?

In his book The Relationship Cure, Gottman writes, "But after many months of watching these tapes with my students, it dawned on me. Maybe it's not the depth of intimacy in conversations that matters. Maybe it doesn't even matter whether couples agree or disagree. Maybe the important thing is how these people pay attention to each other, no matter what they're talking about or doing."

Simply put, successful couples are attentive. They listen, and they put their phones down when the other person wants to chat.

This research led Gottman to develop one of the core tenets of his philosophy for building successful relationships: healthy couples constantly make and accept bids to connect.

What's a bid?

Gottman refers to bids as "the fundamental unit of emotional communication." Bids can can be small or big, verbal or nonverbal. They're requests to connect. They might take the form of an expression, question, or physical outreach. They can be funny, serious, or sexual in nature.

For example, your partner might say, "Hey, whatever happened with that situation at work with your manager?" or, "Do you want to talk about our plans this weekend?" or simply, "Can you pass the water?"

They could also give you a loving squeeze, pat you affectionately on the head, or tease you with a wink.

Bids are often purposely subtle because people are afraid to be vulnerable and put themselves out there. It's scary to say, "Hey! I want to connect! Pay attention to me!" so instead, we ask a question or tell a story or offer our hand for connection. We hope we'll receive connection in return, but if not, it's less scary than pleading, "Connect with me, please!"

How should I respond to a bid?

There are three ways you can respond to a bid:

1. Turning towards (acknowledging the bid)

2. Turning away (ignoring or missing the bid)

3. Turning against (rejecting the bid in an argumentative or belligerent way)

When your partner reads their email and sighs audibly, they're making a bid. You could turn towards them and ask, "What's wrong?"

Now imagine you're tidying up the kitchen and your partner asks you how your day was. You could pause, look up from what you're doing and respond with details about the challenging phone call you had that day. That's turning towards. You're telling your partner you see and value them.

Turning away from your partner, in the same situation, would be ignoring them or just grunting and continuing what you were doing.

Turning against them takes the form of an attack, such as replying, "Why are you always interrupting me when I'm trying to get things done?"

Why do bids matter?

A tendency to turn towards your partner forms the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life.

Gottman found a critical difference in how masters and disasters respond to bids for connection. In the Love Lab, masters turned towards each other 86% of the time. Disasters turned towards each other only 33% of the time.

None of us are perfect at accepting all of our partner's bids, but the masters are better at it than the disasters.

Some people think they can put their relationship on ice and then thaw it out with the occasional romantic date night. But relationships are built and maintained with daily attention, not grand gestures.

It was the bids we made and received at dinner in New York, not the fancy dinner itself, that saved my relationship with my boyfriend.

How often should I make bids?

Bid often. Master the art of the tiny moment. Reach out to show you care. Send a good luck message before a meeting. Leave an encouraging note on the fridge. Kiss your partner when they walk in the door-Gottman recommends a kiss that lasts at least six seconds.

Bids can be super short and simple, but they hold great power. The key is to make many bids per day to show your partner you want to connect.

In fact, happy couples bid all the time. Gottman found that at the dinner table, masters bid as many as one hundred times in a ten minute period, while disasters engaged each other only sixty-five times.

What happens when bids are ignored?

When our partner denies our bids, we internalize the experience. Our brains subconsciously keep track of how many bids are accepted or rejected by our partners. When our partner constantly turns away or against our bids, we begin to feel frustrated. We are more inclined to criticize our partners, which pushes them to be defensive and may result in an argument.

Gottman found when couples break up, it's usually not because of issues like big fights or infidelity. More often, it's a result of the resentment and distance that builds up over time when partners continually turn away from bids for connection.

The lesson here is to make many small bids every day. Pay attention and turn towards your partner's bids. Listen for their sighs and look out for their winks. Make eye contact when they ask you a question. Engage with them when they point something out.

The power of bids

Prior to that dinner, I was guilty of the critique in that old saying, "The shoemaker's children go barefoot." In my attempt to help others with their relationships, I'd forsaken my own.

That night in New York I made a bid to connect with my boyfriend about his job. He turned towards me and we had one of the best conversations of our relationship.

I see that dinner as the turning point in our relationship, the moment when I realized I'd been taking him for granted and prioritizing my work, emails, and dating coaching clients over him.

Our entire relationship is different now. We are, as couples therapist Esther Perel would say, "on our second relationship" with each other. We are happier than we've ever been.

I take the time to make more bids. But more importantly, I pay attention to his bids. I put down my phone. And I listen.

Subscribe below to receive our blog posts directly to your inbox.

More in Love & Relationships

is a writer, researcher, and dating coach who applies insights from behavioral science to help people have more meaningful relationships. She's currently conducting research for her forthcoming Simon & Schuster book on how to make better decisions in romantic relationships. She was a 2018 TED Resident and formerly ran the Irrational Lab, Google's behavioral economics team, alongside Dan Ariely, author of Predictably Irrational . Her interview series Talks at Google: Modern Romance , where she speaks with world-renowned dating and relationship experts, earned 1M+ YouTube views. For more writing and research on all things dating and relationships, follow Logan on Facebook and subscribe to her newsletter for free .

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Want to Improve Your Relationship? Start Paying More Attention to Bids

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
The waiter appeared at our table again, this time offering a basket full of bread rolls just pulled from the oven. I picked out my third piece of the night, and carved out a heap of cultured butter, flecked with sea salt. "What have you been up to at work?"

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Family Information Service (FIS) | Brighton & Hove City Council

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
The Family Information Service (FIS) offers a wide range of information and advice for families that includes

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
﻿ Amaze - Information, advice and support for parent carers of children and young people with any additional need or disability, and for young people themselves.

Parent Carers' Council - local forum for parent carers

Family Information Service - help with finding childcare, early years funding, family services directory and more

Face 2 Face - befriending service for parent carers

Extratime - inclusive after school and holiday play schemes

​The Carers' Centre - offer support for parents and carers of adults

Possability People - offer support and advice for disabled people

Parent support groups - for children with any additional need or specific conditions

​Amaze

Amaze is a local charity that provides information, advice and support to parents and carers of children with special needs or disabilities in Brighton & Hove. They have a helpline, a large website and a range of publications. They also offer one to one support with education issues, claims for disability benefits and preparing your child for adulthood. Finally, they manage the Compass database and Compass Card, a leisure incentive card that gives lots of discounts and benefits on leisure activities right across the region for disabled children and their families.

If you have a child with a special need or disability - or live locally and just need some advice about special needs - you can call Amaze for advice on 01273 772289 or visit www.amazebrighton.org.uk

The Parent Carers' Council (PaCC)

PaCC is a city-wide group for all parent carers who are responsible for children and young people with special needs, including ongoing health conditions, physical disabilities and learning disabilities. The group was formed to enable parent carers of children with any condition to work closely together to help improve services and support. Visit www.paccbrighton.org.uk to find out more or join the PaCC

The Family Information Service or FIS

The Family Information Service (FIS) is the best place to start for information about childcare, pre-schools and pre-school activities like playgroups and music groups. If your child has a disability or special need, FIS can offer additional targeted support with finding childcare, contacting possible child carers and researching funding. They also run the At Home Childcare Service for families that introduces experienced child carers to families who would prefer to use a home based child carer. Find out more about the Family Information Service

Face2Face

Face 2 Face is a befriending service, now managed by Amaze, which offers one to one support to parents of children additional needs, particularly round the time of diagnosis or new challenges. This free and confidential service is provided by trained parent befrienders who themselves have experience of parenting a child with a special educational need or disability. Find out more about Face 2 Face on the Amaze website.

Extratime

Extratime run afterschool clubs and holiday schemes in that are fully inclusive for all children and young people with additional needs. The play schemes are run at a variety of locations across the city. Visit Extratime's website to find out more

The Carers Centre provide information, advice and support for carers of adults. This includes support for Young Carers. Visit the Carers Centre website

Possability People

Possability People (formerly known as the Fed) offers advice and support for disabled people. They run a Direct Payments advice service and their website has a PA noticeboard that helps families find Personal Assistants and Personal Assistants find jobs. Visit the Possability People website.

Parent support groups

There are lots of parent support groups across the city for children with disabilities or specific conditions. Find out more about parent support groups on the Amaze website.

You may also be interested in

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Organisations that support families of children and young people with SEND

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
﻿ Amaze - Information, advice and support for parent carers of children and young people with any additional need or disability, and for young people themselves.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Emotional health is defined by four markers: our degree of self-love, of openness, of communication and of trust. Watch our film to interrogate your level of emotional health.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Transactional Analysis 1: ego states & basic transactions

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
In today's posting on The Gottman Relationship Blog, we'd like to build on Tuesday's post on emotional attraction by giving you easy, straightforward instructions for having a stress-reducing conversation. As you approach the "how was your day, dear?" conversation from a new perspective, draw on ideas from the following exercise.

Note: This exercise draws on the technique of "active listening." The goal of active listening is to listen (not just hear) to the speaker's words with empathy and without judgment. You certainly won't be feeling emotional attraction to your partner if you feel like they aren't listening to you. This is all well and good, but when applied in couples' therapy, it often fails because couples are asked to use it when they are airing their gripes with each other.

However, we have found that this same listening technique can be extremely beneficial if specifically employed during discussions in which you aren't your partner's target. In this context, you'll feel far more readily supportive and understanding of your partner (and vica versa) - strengthening your mutual love and trust. Here are eight guiding rules for having this discussion:

1. Take Turns. Each partner gets to be the complainer for fifteen minutes.

2. Don't give unsolicited advice. The major rule when helping your partner de-stress is that understanding must precede advice.

3. Show genuine interest. Don't let your mind or eyes wander. Try to stay intently focused on your partner.

4. Communicate your understanding. Let your partner know that you can and are empathizing with what they are saying.

5. Take your partner's side. This means being supportive, even if you think that part of his or her perspective is unreasonable. It's all about perspective! Don't lose sight of the forest for the trees - if your relationship is important to you, it is likely more important than your opinion about the intricacies of your mate's conversation with their boss. Again, understanding must precede advice.

6. Express a "we against others" attitude. Let him or her know that the two of you are in this together. That you are a team.

7. Express affection. Hold your partner, put an arm on his or her shoulder, and say, "I love you."

8. Validate emotions. Let your partner know that his or her feelings make sense to you by telling them just that.

Research has proven that emotional attraction is just as important as physical attraction in having great sex. If you are feeling emotionally rejected by your partner, chances are that you won't be in the mood to make love. Try this active listening exercise this weekend and see how it affects the level of emotional attraction you feel for each other. You'll thank us for it. Good luck!

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Weekend Homework Assignment: How to Have A Stress-Reducing Conversation - The Gottman Institute

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
In today's posting on The Gottman Relationship Blog, we'd like to build on Tuesday's post on emotional attraction by giving you easy, straightforward instructions for having a stress-reducing conversation. As you approach the "how was your day, dear?" conversation from a new perspective, draw on ideas from the following exercise.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Conflict is inevitable in every relationship. Psychologist Dan Wile says it best in his book After the Honeymoon: "When choosing a long-term partner, you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unresolvable problems." However, Dr. Gottman has found that nearly 1/3 of all conflicts can be resolved with the right approach.

The popular approach to conflict resolution, advocated by many marriage therapists, is to put yourself in your partner's shoes, listen to what they say, and communicate with empathy that you understand their perspective. It's a decent method if you can do it.

But most couples can't. Even happily married couples. After studying couples for the last 40 years, Dr. John Gottman has recognized that even happy couples do not follow the experts' rules of communication.

By studying what these couples did, Dr. Gottman developed a new model for solving your solvable problems in an intimate relationship.

Step 1: Soften Your Start-Up

How a conversation starts predicts how it will end. Watch how a harsh start-up influences this conversation:

Kim: Once again, I come home from work and have to pick up after you. (criticism)
Kris: Here we go again. I'm such a slob, right? I clean the kitchen counters all the time.
Kim: Then why do I have to remind you to clean the dishes in the sink or take out the trash? It's frustrating when our house smells disgusting! Don't worry about it today. I already did it, or were you too busy browsing Facebook to notice?(contempt)
Kris: Hey. Come on. I hate cleaning. I know you do, too. I have an idea.(repair attempt)
Kim rolls her eyes.(more contempt)
Kris: I think we need some connection. Let's take a vacation so you can be waited on?
Kim: Seriously? We can't afford a maid, much less a vacation.

A harsh start-up begins with the Four Horsemen and causes flooding and increased emotional distance that can strain the marriage.

Soft start-ups do not contain the Four Horsemen. When a partner starts the conversation gently, it communicates respect and causes both partners to feel positive about themselves and their marriage.

Here are some suggestions to ensure your start-up is soft:

Take responsibility. "I share some responsibility for this..."

Complain without blame and state a positive need. "Here's how I feel...about a specific situation and here's what I need..." (positive need, not what you don't need)

Start with "I" instead of "You." I statements are less critical and don't make the listener as defensive as "you" statements.

Describe what is happening. Don't judge or blame. Communicate what you see will help your partner from feeling attacked.

Be polite. Use "please" and "I would appreciate it if..."

Be appreciative. Recognize what you appreciate in your partner.

Don't let things build up. If you do, it'll escalate in your mind until you blow-up.

The secret to avoiding harsh start-ups is to work on the first four principles in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. If your spouse tends to start conflicts harshly, make sure they are feeling known, respected, loved, and that you are willing to accept influence. So pay attention to minor bids for connection.

When "It's your turn to take out the garbage, can you take it out please?" is ignored, your partner's request may escalate to "What is wrong with you? Are you deaf? Take out the garbage."

If you go straight for the jugular, you're going to get either war or retreat on your partner's part instead of a productive discussion. See how a softened start-up compares.

Kim: I feel like our house is a mess and we're having family over tonight. (describing) I'm angry cause I feel like I am doing all the cleaning by myself. I should have asked sooner (taking responsibility). I need you to help me vacuum the living room? (positive need).
Kris: I understand. I hate cleaning up too and I'd be willing to vacuum and even clean the bathroom for you.
Kim: You're such a big help.(appreciation). Thank you love. (politeness)
Kris: After the family is gone, let's go out for our favorite ice cream!
Kim: I'm so in!

Step 2: Learn to Send and Receive Repair Attempts

When Kris said, "I clean the kitchen counters all the time" Kim could have said, "You're right, you do." Doing this would have been a repair attempt and de-escalated the tension, allowing Kris to be more receptive to finding a solution.

Think of a repair attempt as slamming on the brakes when you see a red light. You do this to avoid a collision that could harm your marriage.

The difference between stable, emotionally intelligent marriages and unhappy ones is not that repair attempts are better, but that the repair attempts get through to the spouse. Repair attempts require two people - the person offering the repair and one accepting it.

Repair attempts often start before a repair is made. It is dependent on the state of the relationship. Happy couples send and receive repair attempts with ease. In unhappy marriages, even amazing repair attempts fall on deaf ears.

Sometimes repair attempts seem negative, "That's not what we are talking about" or "Stop! This is getting out of control." If your relationship is swimming in an ocean of negativity, repair attempts will be difficult to hear.

In The Seven Principles That Make Marriage Work, Dr. Gottman has a list of repair attempts that may feel unnatural at first but provide you the vocabulary to naturally repair conflict before it harms your marriage. I'd recommend starting with a low-intensity conflict when practicing repair attempts to help you resolve an issue in your marriage.

Step 3: Soothe Yourself and Each Other

In unstable marriages, conflict discussions can lead to flooding, which make repair attempts physically impossible to hear. If you or your partner feel flooded, take a 20-30 minute break and focus on the positives of your relationship by yourself. This "forced" relaxation will do wonders for your marriage.

I recommend learning how to soothe each other. Ask yourself and each other the following questions:

What makes us feel flooded?

How do we bring up issues or complaints?

Do we hold things in, rather than share them? If so, why do you think that is?

When you feel flooded, is there something I can do to soothe you?

How do you think you could soothe me when I feel flooded?

What signals can we send each other when we feel flooded so we can take breaks and soothe each other?

Step 4: Compromise

Compromise is the only way to solve marital problems. Compromise is not one person changing. It's about negotiating and discovering ways to accommodate each other. Compromise is impossible unless you accept your partner's flaws. Marriages can be weighed down by the "if only..." my partner was richer, sexier, or more emotionally expressive. Unlike cherishing your partner, which nurtures gratefulness for what you have, "if only" nurtures resentfulness towards your partner. This makes conflict impossible to solve.

Compromise is about accepting influence from your partner. Research shows that men tend to struggle with this more than women. If you are willing to accept influence, working with each other becomes way easier.

Step 5: Address Emotional Injuries

Arguments can leave emotional wounds even when a couple resolves an issue. This is perfectly normal and requires talking about or "processing." Sometimes it's about how you were fighting, not what you were fighting about Dr. Gottman has a powerful exercise on page 188 in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work that will help heal these emotional injuries.

Mastering these general problem-solving skills will lead you to discover that many of your problems will find their own solutions. Once you can overcome the barriers that have prevented clear communication, difficulties are easier to resolve. But remember: these solutions work only for problems that can be solved. If compromise seems impossible, then the problem you are struggling with is likely perpetual.

If you want more tools to help you solve your solvable problems and manage the perpetual ones, subscribe below and get your free copy of the popular guide 7 Signs Your Relationship Will Last.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
5 Steps to Fight Better if Your Relationship is Worth Fighting For

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Conflict is inevitable in every relationship. Psychologist Dan Wile says it best in his book After the Honeymoon : "When choosing a long-term partner, you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unresolvable problems." However, Dr. Gottman has found that nearly 1/3 of all conflicts can be resolved with the right approach.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
EPISODE #96: The Parents' Guide to Doing It with Esther Perel

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
How do you keep the fire alive? Can motherhood awaken your inner lesbian? Couples therapist and author Esther Perel answers YOUR sex advice questions.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Occasionally, our relationships need to get re-started. We love one another but a lot has accumulated that we haven't properly dealt with. Certain things haven't been said, resentments may have built up, playfulness has been neglected and there is a lot we should - but haven't found the words - to express.

So we've drawn up a set of some of the most important questions that a couple might discuss together in order to reopen channels of feeling and communication.

The questions - and the supporting micro-essays - invite candour, confession and radical openness. As we answer them, it's centrally important to maintain an atmosphere of extreme kindness and calm, without any hint of moralism or bitterness.

Often, we give up on each other too soon. Relationships that, with the right assistance, might have been good enough (or even more than that) come unstuck because we don't work out how to speak about and listen to what is really on our minds. This is a tool with which to try to save love.
1. The things I would like to be appreciated for...
This definitely isn't the moment to be vindictive or self-pitying. Being taken rather for granted is pretty much unavoidable in any established relationship.

At the same time, it's crucial to be able to drain the potential lake of bitterness by communicating what we do feel we contribute and are good at. We naturally long for our partner to notice and like the things we like about ourselves.

At the start of the relationship, what was decent about both of us was automatically very obvious. Then, with time, we got spoilt. It's a natural way our minds work: if we lived in the Alhambra palace, pretty soon we wouldn't even notice the tile work.

We're not asking for adulation. Our flaws are beyond doubt. We just need our compensating merits to be given a bit more weight once in awhile. We won't mind being criticised or corrected quite so much if we feel that, every now and then, the other person has properly grasped our upsides as well. A burst of appreciation will embolden both of us for the more critical moments ahead.
2. Where I'm unfulfilled in my life...
Often we don't say at all clearly what's missing from our lives outside the relationship. Maybe we're disappointed that our social scene isn't more exciting; perhaps we're yearning to travel; it could be something around money or how much time we have to give to work or our parents. It doesn't matter how unreasonable or trivial these things sound; the point is that they're important to us and they're not going right.

As a result, we have tendencies to get grumpy, depressed, angry or agitated. However, day to day, we tend not to explain the origins of our moods very well. Our partner is the witness to distress but can't easily recognise where it is coming from. So they make the next most obvious move: they assume we're simply mean or bad tempered.

This is a chance to explain the background dissatisfactions responsible for some of our most acute day-to-day irritations and withdrawn states; a chance to demonstrate that we are almost always sad and anxious, not simply mean or bad.
3. When I'm upset, I need you to comfort me like this...
Often enough, we get stuck in a poignant impasse: our partner wants to help us, but the way they go about offering assistance irritates us or can't soothe us. We feel neglected, and yet at the same time, our partner concludes that their well-meaning efforts are being received ungratefully.

This is a chance to consider how both of you characteristically try to help each other - and how you would perhaps ideally like to be helped when there is difficulty in your lives.

We might find that if a partner starts to cook for us and takes care of practical matters, we feel they are avoiding the real issues and are being lazy where it counts. Or we might find that being told 'it will all be OK' is deeply unnerving. Or it might be exactly what we want to hear. We might find agreement ('yes, it all very difficult, it's awful, so bad') hugely useful. Or terrifying. We might much feel that an action - being hugged or invited to lie down for a while - is essential, or patronising at just the wrong moment.

The point is: we need to explain what works for us and hear what works for the other. Once we've got a clearer sense of how we each want comfort to be effectively delivered, we can try to adjust our style in order actually to be - rather than merely - nice.
4. When I'm in a panic, I...
It's an occasion to explain our pattern of reaction. We're not trying to justify it. We're not saying we think this is the ideal or a lovely way to react. We're just - as a starter - admitting that we ourselves recognise certain tendencies in our own nature and are trying to explain what they are.

Maybe our instinct - when we feel under threat - is to react by getting very controlling. Perhaps we burst into tears and announce that everything is hopeless (drowning a specific agitation in an ocean of woe). Perhaps we turn to a particularly cutting type of sarcasm, or maybe we lash out verbally and say quite horrible things. Or we feel we have to be on our own and go deadly silent.

What we're doing here is helping our partner to interpret what are - outwardly - some very disconcerting bits of behaviour. We're asking them to see these not as reflections of the whole of our nature, but as ways we try to cope with situations that come across as especially threatening to us.

We're trying to put together our own - inevitably very strange - translation manual. We're trying to make some of the least lovable bits of our own behaviour seem less alarming and a little more forgivable.
5. I'd probably be more normal if the following hadn't happened to me in childhood...
It's hugely helpful for there to be a recognition in the couple that both parties are - of course - a little crazy in a variety of ways. This isn't a personal failing, it's just how all human beings are. No one ever quite reaches settled, mature and sane adulthood.

The problems almost always start in childhood. This question should provide a calm moment to explain a little more about what happened when we were little - and to lay out why it may today make us, at points, unnaturally intense and hard to live with.

Perhaps there was a very punitive parent, so we've grown up prone to lying about things that are awkward. Or someone was a bit depressed and we had to be entirely cheerful and now have a tendency to be deaf to bad news. Maybe a parent disappointed us badly, and we aren't nowadays very good at trust and the business of letting our guard down.

A knowledge of intimate histories shifts our ideas of what the other person is doing, when they are annoying or disappointing. They're not just being difficult - they are struggling with the complex legacy of a past we still don't know enough about, just as they don't know enough about ours.
6. What I find annoying about you is...
It sounds like a nasty theme - but, when handled correctly, it is the gateway to greater tenderness and self-development.

Everyone is radically flawed. So naturally, two people in a relationship will always be trying to teach each other how to be better versions of themselves. They'll be trying to get the other person to be, for example, more punctual, less cold, more contained, less impulsive, more thoughtful...

It's sometimes said that true love means accepting someone just as they are. But in reality, this can't be true or indeed wise. We should want to be taught - and to teach. The issue is how we go about the emotional pedagogical business.

When we are in the teaching role, we need to proceed with immense sympathy and tact - and when we are in the listening (or pupil) role, we need to bravely accept that someone can have a legitimate criticism of us and yet still want the best for us.

This is an opportunity to do something very rare: level criticism without anger. And it's a chance to hear criticism as more than an attack, to interpret it for what it may truly be: a desire to help us to grow.
7. I guess I'm difficult to live with because...
We don't need people to be perfect. What we need - above all - is a sense that they understand their imperfections, that they are ready to explain them to us, and that they can do so outside of the moments when they have hurt us.

It's a sign of being a grown up that we can, finally, admit that we are monstrously difficult to live with. Everyone is. It's just a question of how we, in particular, are tricky.

We might, for instance, have very strong views about interior design and find any opposition to our taste quite distressing. We might be fanatically (and often anxiously) devoted to our work. We could have strong views on how long it is OK to keep a taxi waiting, whether bedroom windows should be kept open at night or what time a child needs to go to bed (to start sketching a potentially endless list).

Recognising where we are inflexible and where we are very demanding won't solve all the points of contention. But it can hugely and decisively change the atmosphere. We should both never be done with the business of apologising for how tricky we are to be around.
8. What I would like to be forgiven for...
No relationship could survive long without forgiveness. We know we're in need of forgiveness, but - tragically - we're often especially stubborn (in the moment) about things that we need the other person to be generous about.

Most of the time, we tell ourselves that we're not to blame; that it's our partner who should be apologising and asking us to forgive them. But in our most honest moments (perhaps at 3am, when it's very quiet and there's a full moon outside), we do sometimes recognise that we have brought certain troubles into our partner's life. It would be strange if we hadn't. We're complex individuals; we're not remotely perfect in every way. We know we've let them down badly in certain areas...

Unfortunately, when we feel guilty - but are unforgiven - we have a tendency to get more aggressive and in denial about what we've done.

We therefore need to create an atmosphere where an admission of guilt will be met with tolerance and sympathy. We're not at this moment asking the other person to wipe the slate clean. We're just stating something from our own side: that we would to be forgiven for certain things - which, we admit, we're actually really sorry about. We're going to try to do better - if we're given the chance.
9. Where I'd love you to realise you hurt me is...
We're carrying around wounds that we have found it, understandably and inevitably, hard to articulate. Perhaps the complaints sounded too petty or humiliating to mention at the time. The problem is that when they fester, the current of affection starts to get blocked - and soon, we may find ourselves flinching when the partner tries to touch us or suggests we make love. What we call 'loss of desire' (or more plainly 'going off sex') is usually simply a kind of anger with a partner that hasn't had a chance to understand itself.

This is safe moment in which to reveal some of these - typically entirely unintentional - hurts. Maybe last month there was something around work, or their mother, or the way they responded to a fairly innocent enquiry in the kitchen before work.

It's vital that the partner doesn't step in and deny that the hurt took place or start to move the blame back or indeed remark that the hurt is too small to take seriously.

There is no such thing as a hurt that is too small. If it was felt, it is legitimate.

What matters is that each person can be heard and can lay out areas where the other wounded them more than they've to date been able to explain.

This exercise shouldn't reignite problems. It should help solve them once and for all - and should be repeated regularly, as often as once a week.
10. A slightly weird thing about me around sex is...
None of us are entirely normal about sex. And yet the pressure to be normal is seldom greater than in the bedroom. At precisely the moment when we long to be intimate, we're terrified that we'll come across as perverted, dirty, stunted or degenerate.

The result is that we start to lie. We shut off areas of interest. We conceal what we really want. And so we go off sex altogether or develop a fantasy life from which the partner is wholly excluded.

It's key, therefore, to create a nurturing environment of total acceptance around our sexual imaginations. Nothing should be off-limits. The strangest, most off-beat fantasies should be allowed to be discussed in an atmosphere of mutual tolerance and love. We should accept that there is - of course - a deep difference between a fantasy and a desire for it to be acted out. Fantasising about a role play is quite different from actually doing it.

We grow apart from a misplaced sense of propriety. We try to be 'good' where we shouldn't. Now is the time to admit to our interestingly dark sides. We might say things like: when I was fourteen there was this person who I saw wearing this kind of top... Or: I feel that if someone is shouting at me, then they must be really interested in me. Or: I feel that sex is very bad, so I need to be told I am very bad before I can really enjoy it.

The whole point of sex is to be liberated from the rules and demands of ordinary life. It's meant to be naughty and, if it's going well, even perhaps a bit sick-sounding.
11. As an alternative to actual intercourse, I'd be excited if we could...
There's a lot of pressure to perform well around sex. But the reality of relationships means that we might have ended up not in the right frame of mind to perform well in the bedroom. This can create a lot of pressure, and then guilt and resentment. It's easy for one or both partners to think that the explanation must be a loss of love.

A useful move, especially on a weekend away or a special night in, is to take the pressure off high performance sex. We should both accept that, for a while at any rate, it will be better to explore areas of erotic life where the expectations are lower - but where there is still a genuine degree of sensual connection.

For instance, you might really like having the the nape of your neck caressed, or the upper part of your arm stroked very gently, with just the tip of the fingers. You might love having someone play with your hair or hug you tightly in the pitch darkness. You might want to be watched by a partner from the other side of the room or to look at something online together.

The point isn't to stop intercourse forever, it's to get back in the mood very gradually, without demands - and with a sense of imagination and mutual discovery.
12. My fantasies are....
On the face of it, it sounds weird: how can you two have been together for so long and not know each other's sexual fantasies? But a lot may have happened since you first met and shared such thoughts. You may have got mired in practical issues and lost touch with each other's more intimate sides.

Talking about fantasies is - we should admit from the start - a very vulnerable moment. Fantasies usually sound ridiculous, embarrassing, disgusting or plain horrible when judged by the light of ordinary conduct. It would be terrible (perhaps) to do them for real. We totally understand this in other areas of life: it could be lovely to read a novel about people stranded on an ice-floe in the arctic winter; though the reality would be horrendous. In a film, it might be deeply enjoyable to inhabit the lair of ruthless criminal; though in reality you are peaceable and law-abiding.

Other people's fantasies frequently sound a bit crazy - and so, of course, must our own. But odd though they can appear, sharing fantasies is central to our capacity for sexual excitement and closeness. They're not just an optional extra. They're part of what our partner needs to understand about us for us to be turned on (by which we really mean: to be intimate and loving).
13. One of the hardest things for anyone to understand about me is...
We end up lonely because there's something we feel is important about who we are that the other appears not to understand - and so, we can end up assuming, will never understand.

But this lack of understanding isn't usually because they are bad or uninterested. And it isn't irrevocable. It's just that there hasn't been a proper occasion to share things for a while. As relationships develop, we don't often get round to long, exploratory conversations, in which the more elusive parts of one another get properly explored. The feeling we know someone is the constant enemy of deepening and updating our knowledge of them.

Our partners know us well - but they can't magically intuit everything about us. We need to explain the big things that won't be obvious to them. We are changing all the time, and they are too. We're no longer who we were last year, and they aren't either.

Other people cannot read our minds. We're going to need to explain. And this is the moment when, at last, they will have the time to hear us.
14. I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I...
There are lots of things we do - which aren't necessarily terrible in themselves - but which we feel embarrassed or ashamed about. If we admit to them, we may look like fools and idiots. So we keep quiet. We try as best we can to present a more dignified and plausible front.

But let's allow for a moment of revelation:

I avoid going to a particular shop because I think one of the sales assistants looks down on me

I'd actually like to eat a whole packet of the chocolate biscuits you mocked in the supermarket

You know I said the cleaner accidentally broke your mug with the smiley face on it; actually it was me. I didn't mean to. I'm really sorry.

I particularly like it when you wear those kinds of shoes.

Increasingly, I get very anxious about not making it to the bathroom in time.

I find the national anthem uplifting.

I've always fancied buying a huge water pistol

Everyone is foolish in lots of ways. Admitting our own illnesses and quirks isn't designed to be humiliating. It doesn't take away from any of our real strengths and merits. Ideally, we discover that our partner isn't surprised, or that they knew already, or that they find these details (which we worried so deeply were ridiculous) actually rather endearing.
15. There are a few small things about you that drive me crazy...
Couples almost inevitably get maddened with each other around what look (on the surface) like absurdly small matters. An otherwise quite reasonable and decent person might admit that what drives them crazy about their partner includes: they press too hard on the chopping board; they don't put their seat belt on until after the car is started; in their handwriting 'b' and 'h' are practically indistinguishable; they think that there is a right and a wrong way to squeeze a toothpaste tube; they use the word the word 'tragic' to mean 'sad'; they leave drawers fractionally open; when they drink a glass of water they gulp it down and say 'ahh'.

Our reactions seem wildly out of proportion - even at times, to ourselves. We get very worked up and then feel crazy.

But rather than tell ourselves we are stupid to get worked up, we could, instead, try to give our partner a very calm and careful account of why this thing bothers us. This is useful because - of course - it's not the irritating detail itself that's troubling us. It's what it represents in our minds - which may indeed be worth a big discussion. The little things sit on top of large fears about the partner. That they may be callous or sloppy, rigid or sentimental...

But our partner can't know our fears. They can't know that indistinguishable letters (such a small issue!) stands for 'getting away with not trying'. Or that not putting the seatbelt on before starting (which we know really isn't a danger) upsets us because in our heads it suggests (however strange it sounds): 'I don't give a damn about authority'.

We're not justifying our irritation over tiny things: we're explaining our fears and thereby lessening their impact in the relationship.
16. What I probably need to be kindly teased for is...
Being gently teased can be one of the most enchanting things a partner can do for us. It signals both that they have spotted something about us that is a little excessive and worth pointing out, and that they are doing so in a way which is light-hearted, unanxious and sweet.

At the same time, acknowledging that there are aspects to our characters that we should be teased about signals that we realise that we are self-aware, and open to change. We might need to be teased for our attitudes to punctuality, for the way we over-explain stories, for our obsession with being in nature all the time, for our lack of intellectual interests, for our mania for museums...

At its best, teasing locates a tendency in us that's going a bit wrong and addresses it comically, rather than critically. It offers a gentle but firm corrective nudge. By laughing good-naturedly, we ourselves accept the justice of the point.

Teasing uses humour to take the sting out of criticism. Good teasing is always about something the person could quite easily change about themselves: eating too fast; checking one's phone out of habit (rather than urgent need) in social situations; leaping in too quickly when another person is speaking; a tendency on occasions to show off a little.

If we scan our own lives, we do probably notice some things about our own behaviour that we wouldn't mind being reminded not to do - if only the reminder was accompanied by a joke and a smile, rather than by a frown.
17. What would help me to change is if you...
We want to change, but we can't do it alone. We need the other's help and for them to behave in particular ways towards us.

We're often reluctant to voice how we want to change, for fear that our partner will weigh in and try to 'help' us change in punitive and abrasive ways. They'll do so in a style that - we fear - will make things worse. They'll use our honesty against us. We imagine them nagging us or setting targets (which we'll fail to achieve) or telling other people 'how hard we're trying' - leaving us feeling humiliated and less able than ever to make the positive alterations we wish we could.

In saying there's something we'd like to change, we're not making a promise we can easily do it. We're showing that we're not indifferent to our own failings. This admission - almost on its own - is an important move. It shows our perception and intelligence about ourselves.

It's so much nicer to be with someone who is aware of their failings and tells us they wish they could overcome them - as opposed to with someone who seems to think they are just fine exactly as they are.
18. I could change X, if you changed Y...
We often feel locked into behaviour we don't much like in ourselves because it feels like a necessary (if bad) response to things we don't much like in our partner.

It feels as if there's a horrible connection between what we admit is a bit nasty in us and what strikes us as a bit nasty about them. We get sullen - perhaps - because they are nagging; they are nagging because we are evasive and withdrawn; we get irritated because they are stubborn; they feel they have to dig in because we're so unreasonable.

One thing that can ideally happen is that we start to see more clearly how the way we are interacting is making things difficult for both of us. Instead of laying the blame on just one side, we admit that we are in an unfortunate dynamic, both of us creating and adding to the burden.

The solution is for both sides to become conscious of the dynamic and mutually to vow to do a little better going forward. It can be very tentative at first: if I go first and admit I can be rather awful in this way, can you join me and admit that you are just a little bit difficult in a corresponding area?
19. What I'm grateful to you for is...
Our partner has - of course - really helped us in some key ways. They made it possible to do things we'd never have accomplished on our own; they've comforted us at certain moments, they've maybe understood and been kind to difficult aspects of who we are; possibly they have saved us from the worst effects of certain tendencies in our nature. It's not always easy for us to come up with a list on the spur of the moment. That's partly because we're so familiar with the way we happen to be now and find it hard to hold onto a fully accurate picture of what we were like before we got together with them.

We naturally, though unfortunately, lose sight of the contribution they have made to our lives. And - of course - that contribution typically gets swamped by our awareness of the ways in which they're not currently helping us as much as we'd like.

One of the odd things about gratitude is that it may be directed towards people and things that were rather unpleasant at the time. We might - in retrospect - be grateful to a teacher at school who pushed us hard to perform better. Similarly, we can be not only grateful for ways our partner has been to us, but also for ways they've been for us.

We need to jog our own memories and help each other come to a fairer, more precise view of our lives together.
20. What I'd miss so much about you is...
Suppose - without being morbid or brutal - you weren't to see your partner again. And you could look back from a distance and think about your relationship. What would you miss.

Imagine any hurt or shame has faded sufficiently and you can afford to admit there are things you really would miss enormously about them. What would be they be? We don't naturally carry such a list around with us at the front of our minds. It takes time to properly identify the things we'd ache for and be very sorry we had lost. There would, definitely, be plenty. Because this is always what happens. If you leave a country you've grown sick of, eventually you realise there were things about it you really regret - and which you didn't properly appreciate at the time.

Instead of waiting for the passage of time, we can in imagination propel ourselves into a possible future and - from there - try to think what we'd feel. The point is not so much to predict what we might miss as to get us to see that those things are - of course - in our grasp right now. Here are some suggestions:

When you were so nice and engaging with that awkward person

When you laugh so openly at a very silly joke

Your intent face when you are watching television

When you are playing with the children and saying good night to them

When you get embarrassed about not knowing any geographical facts (one time you confused Greenland and Alaska)

Each of these moments is a trigger for a wider set of thoughts and feelings: their kindness, their innocence, their endearing silliness, their vulnerability, their moments of great gentleness, humility and generosity. Which are all entirely true and sit alongside everything else - waiting to be noticed and properly loved.
21. What I'd love you to remember about me is...
We're not actually anticipating leaving the relationship or an early exit from life. Instead, we're trying to rehearse some of the nobler and more lovely things about ourselves.

We might want to draw attention to our best intentions (even when they didn't entirely work out); to the sweeter aspects of our character (even though they haven't always been on display); or to the good things about us which (unfortunately) haven't always made the relationship harmonious: our sensitivity, our devotion to work, perhaps our honesty (though it's been painful at times) or our politeness (though at times, it seemed to make us evasive).

Ostensibly, the recipient of this self-spoken eulogy is one's partner. But the deeper audience is oneself. It's not that we're in danger of thinking we're just wonderful and will be remembered with the deepest love and admiration. Our fears are pretty much the opposite. What we're doing is reminding ourselves that in fact we are (in some ways) very decent and well-intentioned participants in this relationship; that we really do want our partner to love us - and that (below the surface perhaps), we long to deserve their love.
22. If this was our very first date, I'd ...
The idea of starting afresh is often very tempting: if only we could put aside the past hurts and frustrations and begin again with the wisdom we now have. We know now so much more about ourselves and about being in a relationship than we did when the two of us had our first date. How would you now behave?

You might - for instance - feel that it would be important to explain more fully about certain aspects of yourself. You might want to be more upfront and admit that you are quite difficult in certain ways - so that there wouldn't be a gradual unfolding of frustration and disappointment. Perhaps in this fantasised new first date you'd be interested in getting to know quite different things about your partner. You'd maybe want to learn a lot more about their childhood (and especially it's difficult parts - not just the happy memories).

But, perhaps also, you might want to be much nicer and sweeter than you normally are. You might want to charm your partner, listen very carefully to their ideas and opinions; you might be intrigued afresh by the way they fold their hands under their chin or by the ironic way they shrug their shoulders when telling a funny story. You'd be re-sensitized to a range of endearing qualities that - very understandably - get neglected in daily life.

The first date thought-experiment gets us to see our partner afresh; and what we're seeing is - of course - part of who they really are. We're using an artifice to correct the blindness that comes from being very close to another person for a very long time.

The Book of Life is brought to you by The School of Life - a global organisation dedicated to developing emotional intelligence. We apply psychology, philosophy and culture to everyday life. You can find our classes, films, books, games and much more online and in our branches around the world. Below is a feature from our shop which we think you might find of interest:
100 Questions: Love Edition A Toolkit for Relationships
A beautiful set of 100 questions about love that you can use to explore ideas and thoughts around love, marriage, dating and relationships. We often suffer in relationships because we don't know how to ask the right questions. We feel there is no good excuse to raise certain subjects - and so we miss out on conversations that might have rescued us. Shop now >>

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Occasionally, our relationships need to get re-started. We love one another but a lot has accumulated that we haven't properly dealt with.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Lots of women look forward to motherhood - getting to know a tiny baby, raising a growing child, developing a relationship with a maturing son or daughter. All over the world, people believe that parenting is the most rewarding part of life. And it's good that so many mothers treasure that bond with their child, because the transition to parenthood causes profound changes in a woman's marriage and her overall happiness... and not for the better.

Families usually welcome a baby to the mix with great expectations. But as a mother's bond with a child grows, it's likely that her other relationships are deteriorating. I surveyed decades of studies on the psychological effects of having a child to write my book "Great Myths of Intimate Relationships: Dating, Sex, and Marriage," and here's what the research literature shows.

Nowhere to go but down?

When people marry, they're usually in love and happy to be tying the knot. But after that, things tend to change. On average, couples' satisfaction with their marriage declines during the first years of marriage and, if the decline is particularly steep, divorce may follow. The course of true love runs downhill. And that's before you factor in what happens when it's time to start buying a carseat and diapers.

For around 30 years, researchers have studied how having children affects a marriage, and the results are conclusive: the relationship between spouses suffers once kids come along. Comparing couples with and without children, researchers found that the rate of the decline in relationship satisfaction is nearly twice as steep for couples who have children than for childless couples. In the event that a pregnancy is unplanned, the parents experience even greater negative impacts on their relationship.

The irony is that even as the marital satisfaction of new parents declines, the likelihood of them divorcing also declines. So, having children may make you miserable, but you'll be miserable together.

Worse still, this decrease in marital satisfaction likely leads to a change in general happiness, because the biggest predictor of overall life satisfaction is one's satisfaction with their spouse.

While the negative marital impact of becoming parents is familiar to fathers and mothers, it is especially insidious because so many young couples think that having children will bring them closer together or at least will not lead to marital distress. Yet, this belief, that having children will improve one's marriage, is a tenacious and persistent myth among those who are young and in love.

Baby image via www.shutterstock.com.

Lovers morph into parents

It seems obvious that adding a baby to a household is going to change its dynamics. And indeed, the arrival of children changes how couples interact. Parents often become more distant and businesslike with each other as they attend to the details of parenting. Mundane basics like keeping kids fed, bathed and clothed take energy, time and resolve. In the effort to keep the family running smoothly, parents discuss carpool pickups and grocery runs, instead of sharing the latest gossip or their thoughts on presidential elections. Questions about one's day are replaced with questions about whether this diaper looks full.

These changes can be profound. Fundamental identities may shift - from wife to mother, or, at a more intimate level, from lovers to parents. Even in same-sex couples, the arrival of children predicts less relationship satisfaction and sex. Beyond sexual intimacy, new parents tend to stop saying and doing the little things that please their spouses. Flirty texts are replaced with messages that read like a grocery receipt.

With nearly half of all births being to unmarried couples, some parents may think they have gamed the system by skipping the wedding. Not so. The relationship burden of having children is present regardless of marital status, gender orientation or level of income. In addition, the adverse impact of becoming a parent is found in other countries, including those with greater rates of nonmarital parenting and more generous family policies.

Moms bear the brunt

Not surprisingly, it is mothers, not fathers, who bear the heaviest cost of becoming parents. Even when both parents work outside the home and even in marriages in which both spouses describe themselves as sharing the burden of household chores, most parents slide toward gender-stereotypical ways of parenting. Women are more likely to become the "on call" parent, the one who gets up in the night to bring a child a tissue or who's called by the school nurse.

As part of this pattern, new mothers tend to cut their hours in outside work, which often leads fathers to feel more of the burden of financial responsibility. A common pattern emerges in which dads start spending more time and energy on outside work and moms start doing an increasing percentage of the childcare and housework. Cue the feelings of frustration, guilt and distress for both parents.

New mothers often talk about their social isolation, becoming disconnected from friends and colleagues and how their world feels like it's shrinking. All of these changes lead to fundamental and long-lasting effects on new mothers' circle of support, including with their spouses.

The consequences of the relationship strain can be serious. Marital stress is associated with many serious physical health problems as well as symptoms of depression and other mental health problems. The link between psychological and marital problems is strong enough that researchers have found that couples therapy is one of the most effective ways of treating depression and some other mental illnesses.

Moving image via www.shutterstock.com.

A light at the end of the tunnel?

If the arrival of children is hard on marriages, is the departure of children good for marriages? Some marriages do improve once the children leave the nest. In other cases, the successful launch of the children leads spouses to discover they have few shared interests and there's nothing keeping them together.

These downsides to having children may partly explain why more and more women in the United States and around the world are choosing not to procreate. According to the U.S. Census, the percent of childless American women (ages 15-44) increased a staggering amount in just two generations: from 35 percent in 1976 to 47 percent in 2010.

Despite the dismal picture of motherhood painted by researchers like me (sorry Mom), most mothers (and fathers) rate parenting as their greatest joy. Much like childbirth, where nearly all mothers believe the pain and suffering was worth it, most mothers believe the rewards of watching their children grow up is worth the cost to their romantic relationships.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Have children? Here's how kids ruin your romantic relationship

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Lots of women look forward to motherhood - getting to know a tiny baby, raising a growing child, developing a relationship with a maturing son or daughter. All over the world, people believe that parenting is the most rewarding part of life.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Divorce And Separation Advice For Parents - Parent Connection

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Get expert divorce and separation advice including help on divorce with children involved, family mediation and co-parenting. Read more at Parent Connection

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
"the school of life" school life education relationships mood "alain de botton" sermon philosophy lecture wisdom london talk secular self improvement curricu...

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
We're interested in self-understanding, calm and emotional maturity. We have thousands of articles about emotional life for you on our website: www.theschooloflife.com We offer online psychotherapy: www.theschooloflife.com/therapy We publish one film a week, on Wednesdays at 14.00hrs GMT.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
New parents in particular are often caught unawares by the changes that come when you go from being a twosome to a trio! If you're about to set off on the adventure that is having kids, here are our top tips to ease the transition.

Be ready for change

In counselling we often hear that when a baby comes into a couple's life, everything is intensified: the good, the bad and the ugly!

Having a baby is often a magical and massively bonding time with incredible new experiences to share together. The intimacy and connection shared by the couple is often intensified as they grow closer and more attached to each other in welcoming the new addition to their family.

However, as with all change, there are also challenges to face too. With little time and energy for anything other than the needs of a new baby, unaddressed issues can quickly grow into overwhelming problems if they are not worked out beforehand.

The key to success

As all good boy scouts know, it's important to be prepared. Navigating through the more challenging parts of parenting will be much easier if you have made preparations for the coming event.

Talking through how things might change in your relationship and renegotiating these changes will be pivotal to how you deal with these issues when the time comes.

For example, how do you share out the household responsibilities like food shopping, laundry and cleaning? Perhaps one of you did all that before, but with the baby bringing a whole new 'to do' list, how can you redistribute those tasks between you more evenly?

And little things can make a huge difference, like how might you manage your schedules so you can take turns to have a sleep in on the weekend while your partner gets up with the baby.

From lovers to parents

Both men and women can experience a difficult transition when the baby comes. Before the new arrival, they had their best friend, biggest supporter, and devoted lover all to themself.

Suddenly the emotional and practical needs of the individual are demoted; it's not about you anymore and the young lover you committed your life to is now a mother or father with different priorities.

We often ask new parents who arrive in counselling when was the last time they went on a date together, or spent some quality time alone. In the midst of all the new baby excitement, remember to make time for each other to keep your connection alive.

Keep your love strong

Stephen Covey, author of The Seven Habits of Highy Effective Families, says:

'The greatest thing you can do for your children is love your partner.'

By working to keep your couple relationship strong, you're creating a secure and stable home for your family and modelling the type of relationship you would want for your child.

It's the love and connection between you that will carry you through the ups and downs of parenting, so make time to maintain your couple relationship and to communicate your needs to one another.

Get help with parenting

Need more support preparing to become parents?

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
When two become three: preparing to be parents

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
New parents in particular are often caught unawares by the changes that come when you go from being a twosome to a trio! If you're about to set off on the adventure that is having kids, here are our top tips to ease the transition.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Having a new baby can be such an exciting event, particularly if you're going to be a first-time parent. But it can also mean a whole host of new pressures on your relationship.

As well as being adorable and lovable, new babies can be demanding. In those first few months, even the best prepared couples often feel drained and overstretched. It's not surprising that many also find they're arguing a lot more.

While this can be frustrating and worrying, especially if you assumed your baby was going to bring you closer together, it's perfectly normal for you to take time to adjust to your growing family. Conflict can be a natural part of adapting to this new change.

There are all kinds of topics that might cause arguments after you have a child.

Practical support. With so many things to do, it's no surprise that arguments can spark around stuff like who's turn it is to get up in the middle of the night, prepare the bottles, hoover round or do the feeding/bathing. This can be made harder still if you have other children who also need your attention, care and energy.

Feeling that your relationship has been sidelined. The focus at this time, understandably, is going to be on the baby. This can leave one or both of you feeling like the relationship just isn't a priority. It's also very common for sex to go on the backburner for a while. Low desire, recovering from the birth and coping with exhaustion may also mean the prospect of restarting your sex just feels like another pressure. This can lead to feelings of frustration and rejection.

Ideas about parenting. You may have different ideas when it comes to the best way to look after your baby. This can be particularly tricky, as we often get our ideas on parenting from our own families - so they can be quite deeply held.

Going back to work. Sometimes, the partner who goes back to work will feel that the other person has it easy looking after the baby at home, whereas they may actually be left completely exhausted by the end of the day. This kind of misunderstanding can create a lot of tension.

Interference from other family members. It can be frustrating being given advice from other members of your family, especially if they're putting themselves in the position of 'expert' because of their own parenting experiences. They may want to try and offer help and support before you are ready or while you're still trying to get to grips with some form of routine. This can lead new parents in particular to feel confused about how to care for their own baby.

Finances. Having a baby obviously has a big impact on your bank balance. Learning to manage this new financial pressure together - especially if one of you decides not to go back to work - can be a challenge.

Not getting any time for yourself and missing your old life. Sometimes, you may miss getting to do the things you were doing before the baby came along, like going out for dinner or drinks, enjoying your hobbies, getting out for some exercise or doing things that were just about you. This can create a lot of frustration.

Sleep deprivation. This is a biggie. All of the issues above can be made more difficult by the high likelihood that you'll be getting a lot less sleep for the first few months, even years of having a young child. Sleep deprivation can affect your mood and emotions and can really make some days feel like an upward struggle.

How do we argue less?

If you're finding things difficult, you might like to think about the following:

Try to have realistic expectations of each other. Trust that you're both doing the best you can under the circumstances and be aware of how your partner's physical state and emotions might be affecting them. Be appreciative of what each of you have accomplished so it doesn't go unnoticed. This will help you both feel like you are supporting each other. And if you have a row and things get a bit emotional, an apology once you've both calmed down can go a long way.

Work out how you can both get enough sleep. It could be that you could take it in turns to soothe and feed the baby at night or that you make the best of when the baby is sleeping to catch up on sleep yourself (rather than cracking on with the chores - although this is often a real temptation!)

Think about how you can support each other practically. Talk about and agree on things like helping to prepare food or do the shopping, keeping the house clean, doing the washing up. You may never feel totally on top of things, but the more you're working as a team, the less resentment there's likely to be. Making sure that neither of you feels an unfair amount of pressure is on them goes a lot way towards maintaining the sense that you're on the same team.

Talk about your expectations and ideas. Doing your best to talk things over - and keep talking - will help avoid misunderstandings building up. Talk about what you may be struggling with. Be open about your feelings. Share your ideas on parenting, how you think things should work and what you think things are going to be like as the baby gets older.

Try to resolve arguments together. It's better to nip issues in the bud than let them fester. Don't bury issues or pretend things are ok: talk about them and deal with them together. Likewise, try to support one another when it comes to other people getting involved. It's important to back one another up and work as a team.

Try to maintain intimacy together. If you're not too tired, you might like to use time when the baby is sleeping to re-establish your connection. It doesn't have to be anything really active or sexual - it could mean cuddling on the sofa, rubbing each other's shoulders, having a hot drink together or running a warm bath. When you feel relaxed, you're more likely to start talking, sharing feelings and reconnecting as a couple.

Make lists together. Being clear about what groceries are needed and which tasks have to be done helps prevent miscommunication. Highlight the priorities and tick items off as you go - it might also feel good to decide that certain things aren't absolutely essential.

Agree to manage visitors to reduce pressure on yourselves. If this means asking them to wait for an invitation or come a little later than planned, so be it. Don't be afraid to explain that you've had a difficult night or that it's taking a while for your baby to settle.

Ask for help when people do come over. Perhaps they could grab some shopping on the way or pop out with the dog when they arrive. Those who really care will be happy to help and won't mind taking out a few bin bags or hanging up the washing when they visit. Close family members might jump at the chance to change or bathe the baby while you both put your feet up. Also: accept help from one another when it's offered.

Schedule in time to spend together. As you adjust to life with a new baby and become more confident with feeding, bathtime and bedtime routines, you may be tempted to leave baby with a family member or friend. At first, this might be for a few hours while you and your partner go out for a drink or to the cinema or even just relax at home and go to bed. This may then lead onto spending an evening out together or even a weekend away! Quality time like this should never be underestimated as you rekindle your relationship as a couple.

Talk to your midwife/health visitor. They will offer reassurance and have tips up their sleeves to help you through the first weeks of parenthood. They also understand the signs of more serious issues like postnatal depression and will refer you to your GP if you need further help.

Join parent groups. Baby and toddler groups can provide an instant social group and can help you feel like you're not the only one coping with any difficulties or blips you are having as you share stories on sicky babies, bad nappies, teething, forgetting to strap the car seat in etc.

Understand that this time will pass! Babies don't stay tiny forever and, like most children, yours will hopefully start to sleep through the night (if not there are sleep clinics/consultants who can help). The intensity of looking after a baby will ease and you'll soon be able to look back proudly at how you managed to get through it.

How we can help

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
We've just had a baby and we're arguing all the time

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Having a new baby can be such an exciting event, particularly if you're going to be a first-time parent. But it can also mean a whole host of new pressures on your relationship. As well as being adorable and lovable, new babies can be demanding.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Making the change from being a couple to being parents isn't always easy.

It can be difficult to find time for yourselves, your sex life can change, you have to juggle the commitments of work and family and find a way of agreeing on how to bring up the children.

When the baby comes home

Don't keep it all to yourself. Talk to your partner, and other parents - you'll find that many of them are experiencing the same mixture of conflicting feelings

Work with your partner to support each other through it. Take turns with the baby. When it's not your turn, don't hover - get away from the noise. Go out, if need be.

Be kind to yourself and each other, knowing that lack of sleep causes lowered tolerance and frayed tempers.

Sleeping separately can help to keep at least one of you from falling apart, but don't do it for too long. Sharing a bed is an important part of being a couple.

Living with your new family

A new person in the home, however small they are, has an impact on the relationships of everyone who already lives there as well as on extended families. Keeping an eye on how things change can help you to be sensitive to your partners feelings and those of others around you.

Some things to look out for

Is someone feeling left out in your family group?

Is someone intruding in to your family set-up? How can you tackle this?

Is anyone's past experiences causing them difficulty in coping with the new situation?

What to do if a new baby has upset your relationship

Make time to talk. Agree on a time. It needn't be long, but choose a moment that suits you both, when you're not hungry or especially tired.

Take turns to listen to each other, uninterrupted, for a certain amount of time. One of you might talk for five or ten minutes about any particular problems and anxieties, while the other listens carefully without interrupting. Then the other partner has an equal amount of time to do the same.

It is very important not to use language that blames or criticises the other. The object is not to attack or undermine each other, but to try and understand what the problems are. Say, "I feel abandoned when you go to the pub after work instead of coming home to me and the baby", rather than, "I'm furious that you spend so much time at the pub. You've never bothered to come home on time, and since we've had the baby things have got even worse".

When you have heard each other, go away and think about what has been said. Your first reactions may be "hot" thoughts - anger, resentment. You might feel like crying. Let these feelings pass, and focus on what your partner actually said, so that you end up with a clearer understanding of his or her feelings. Then, when you're ready, use your insights to talk the problem through again calmly. Try to move towards a solution that satisfies you both.

Don't give up. It takes practice to learn to communicate better. Don't expect everything to be solved immediately, but keep at it and bit by bit you will start to see changes.

What to do if your sex life has suffered

Be very aware of you partner's feelings. Don't accuse - "You never spend long enough on foreplay." Try making gentle suggestions - "It feels so nice when you stroke me all over. I'd like you to do it for longer next time."

Don't feel you can only talk about sex when you're actually in bed. It can be easier to talk about it away from the scene of the action.

Get used to talking about sex in a more general way by watching TV programmes about it together or cutting out magazine articles to show your partner.

Read the Relate guide Sex in Loving Relationships for more ideas

How we can help

If you'd like some support with relationships in your family, there are various ways we can help.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Coping with a New Baby - Common Family Problems | Relate

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Making the change from being a couple to being parents isn't always easy. It can be difficult to find time for yourselves, your sex life can change, you have to juggle the commitments of work and family and find a way of agreeing on how to bring up the children.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Becoming a parent can change your couple relationship it many ways you might not expect. Here we look at how you can adapt to your new life as a family.

It brought us closer than ever

Olivia and Andrew* said when their baby was born they had never felt so much love and joy in their entire lives. Sharing the experience of having a child they both were in love with and emotionally invested in, brought them closer than they had ever been.

Olivia said, 'I've never been happier than I am now, being a mother has been the ultimate commitment to our relationship. It has brought perspective to our lives.'

Frank and Roger* had always wanted a family so when they finally adopted a child they said, 'all the silly little things we used to worry and bicker about before suddenly become so trivial in comparison to the importance and magnitude of what we are doing now.'

Roger said, 'Every day is about living in the moment, it just brings perspective to everything in your life and your relationship. Nothing else matters now but the health, happiness and wellbeing of your family.'

Unexpected change

Lina and Tom* had been surprised with some of the changes they had not expected to see in each other.

Tom said of his partner Lina, 'Before the baby, we used to go out all the time, do stuff, go places, have fun, talk to each other. Now all she wants to do is stay home and watch TV. I don't even know who she is anymore.'

Lina said of Tom, 'Tom puts pressure on me to go out and for things to be how they were before, but things are not the same anymore. I feel like it's really insensitive, he's not the same understanding person anymore.'

Acknowledge the changes

Your relationship and life will change with the arrival of a new little person and it's important to acknowledge that and embrace it.

Your schedules may have changed massively and you may not have the same freedom with time or money that you had before, but there are still some good habits you can hold onto from your pre-baby couple time.

For example, Tom and Lina had really enjoyed going for walks in the park on Sunday mornings, but had stopped doing this when Lina was in her final stages of pregnancy.

What is still possible?

Take some time to think about the things you enjoyed during your dating life and see what is still possible to schedule in or adapt to your new lifestyle.

Tom and Lina had also really enjoyed going to the theatre together, so they decided to invest in a box set of classic films to watch after their reintroduced sunday morning walks, so they could recapture the essence of their shared interests.

Tom said, 'there will always be plays to watch when the kids are a bit older and we can get out more. In the meantime, we can still connect with each other through our love of the classics.'

Get a hobby

It sounds counterintuitive because all you can do right now is think about the baby, but it's important to hold onto your own identity and keep interested in the world.

Find a shared hobby so it's something you can do together, or take on individual hobbies so you have something to get passionate about and something else to talk about when you are with your partner.

Even if it's just joining a local book club, baking bread, or watching old movies together, it's our differences, opinions and interests that keep our relationships alive and exciting.

Enjoy this time

Remember this is just a phase of your life and as your children get older they will be more independent and less reliant on you. Make sure you really enjoy this special time, keep your relationships strong and connected to grow through it together.

Get help with family life and parenting
*Please note the case study above is loosely based on the kind of interactions that we may work with, as opposed to specific clients. Relate will never share the stories of our actual clients without permission, even with names and details changed.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Becoming a parent can change your couple relationship it many ways you might not expect. Here we look at how you can adapt to your new life as a family. It brought us closer than ever Olivia and Andrew* said when their baby was born they had never felt so much love and joy in their entire lives.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
The birth of a first child heralds a major life transition for couples and has an inextricable effect on their relationship as their affiliation transits from an intimate dyad to a dynamic triad. Research suggests that the birth of a first baby has a formidable impact on the couple's relationship, even more so than subsequent progeny. Evidence Based Midwifery: March 2009 EBMmar09_3_table1

Lynda Bateman1 BHSc, RM. Kuldip Bharj2 OBE, Phd, MSc, BSc, DN, MTD, RM, RN, IHSM Cert.
1 Midwife, St James's University Hospital, Beckett St, Leeds, West Yorkshire LS9 7TF England. Email: hcs3l5b@leeds.ac.uk
2 Senior lecturer in midwifery and lead midwife for education, Baines Wing, School of Healthcare, PO Box 214, University of Leeds, Leeds LS2 9UT England. Email: k.k.bharj@leeds.ac.uk

Abstract

Background. The birth of a first child heralds a major life transition for couples and has an inextricable effect on their relationship as their affiliation transits from an intimate dyad to a dynamic triad. Research suggests that the birth of a first baby has a formidable impact on the couple's relationship, even more so than subsequent progeny.
Aim. This integrative review set out to answer the question: what is the impact of the first baby on the couple's relationship?
Method. The review process comprised determining a question and the inclusion and exclusion criteria, followed by a detailed systematic search of the literature, critical appraisal of retrieved papers and the synthesis of results of the selected studies. The results were discussed within the context of broader literature, drawing conclusions, implications and dissemination plans.
Findings. Seven primary research papers were identified and included in the review, which used qualitative and quantitative approaches for investigation. Five main themes emerged that contributed to the decline of the relationship. There were clear differences between men and women's dissatisfaction and perceptions of the relationship. Couples reported loss of intimacy, difficulties in communication and overall relationship discontentment.
Implications. Use of therapeutic interventions antenatally may ease the transition to parenthood. While marital disharmony impacts greatly on the couple's relationship, it is nonetheless important to note the impact on the child. One-parent families have a psychological and social impact on the child together with negative consequences prior to divorce/separation. Midwives have a role to play in supporting families; they can be the first-line healthcare professional in the antenatal and postnatal period to address these problems and ensure the wellbeing of all members of the family.

Key words: Birth, first baby, first child, couple, spouse, partner, relationships, marital satisfaction, transition to parenthood, adjustment to parenthood, midwifery

Background

The birth of a child affects the dynamic of the couple's relationship as it changes to include a third person, affecting the functioning of parents and the marital family system (Cowan and Cowan, 1999). The birth of the first child as opposed to subsequent progeny is more impactful as the couple's relationship increases in complexity (Raphael Leff, 1991; Belsky and Pensky, 1988). The introduction of a baby into a couple's life demands a reorganisation of the relationship. Couples need to adjust to the transition to parenthood, requiring a move from one state to another and these encompass a change in role, relationship and behavioural patterns (Tomlinson, 1996). The way in which changes are assimilated will affect the quality of the relationship.

In the seminal work by Le Masters (1957), the transition to parenthood has been described as an intense 'crisis' for parents as they adjust to the birth of the first child. Often there is a significant change in a couple's relationship satisfaction during their transition to parenthood, following the birth of a first baby (Tomlinson, 1996; Dalgas-Pelish, 1993; Belsky and Pensky, 1988), with most couples experiencing a noteworthy decline in the quality of their relationship (Schulz et al, 2006; Pacey, 2004). Should the physiological processes of bonding and attachment to the newborn be affected, then the family system may be further disrupted (Perren et al, 2003).

It is, however, noted that the birth of a child affects men and women differently with dissimilar consequences on the relationship. The majority of men find it difficult to balance time with their partners, and couples develop behaviour 'rules' to ease relationship tensions. Men may feel a sense of loss and rejection when they experience a changing relationship with their partners. They need to re-establish and re-negotiate this as well as developing a father-child dyad (Barclay and Lupton, 1999).

Men also report emotional changes, while much attention is given to maternal postpartum depression, little is mentioned about paternal depression impacting on marital satisfaction (Beck, 2001). Paternal depression is of concern with rates as high as 50% and is closely correlated to maternal depression (Ramchandani et al, 2005; Goodman, 2004). These authors suggest that men tend to become depressed when there is marital discord or changes in maternal personality style after giving birth. Dudley and Roy (2001) found men to be more emotionally dependent on their partners and this is likely to create pressure and cause relationship dissatisfaction in women when they have to care for a needy baby and partner.

Women report dissatisfaction with the relationship when they perceive their partners as unsupportive. Women generally perform more household and child-caring tasks than their partners, even when in full-time employment and express displeasure with this inequitable workload. Prior to the birth of their babies, couples believed that household and childcare roles should be equally shared, however, this was not evidenced postnatally (Cappuccini and Cochrane, 2000; Tomlinson, 1996). Men have argued that this 'balancing act' is difficult especially when combining employment with household tasks and this leads to conflict and tension and ultimately marital dissatisfaction (St John et al, 2005).

Marital dissatisfaction following the birth of the first child can lead to dissolution of the relationship, with 25,000 children in the UK under four with divorced parents (Office for National Statistics, 2006).

Research into transition to first-time parenthood reveals a pinch-point of crisis for the couple's relationship and the wellbeing of parents. The decline in relationship satisfaction is a serious threat to family wellbeing and places a responsibility on healthcare professionals to ease this transition.

Methods

An integrative review was the chosen method for this review as it includes both quantitative and qualitative research studies. Although it has been common to review quantitative and qualitative research studies separately, this is now not always the case. Increasingly, reviews are being published that include both quantitative and qualitative studies (Nicholls and Webb, 2006; Hodnett, 2002).

The importance of a clearly-developed question is well recognised (Centre for Evidence Based Medicine, 2008) and with the use of 'population, intervention, comparison, outcome' (PICO) framework (Centre for Reviews and Dissemination, 2006), the formulated question was: 'What is the impact of the birth of the first baby on a couple's relationship?'

A search strategy was designed to acquire relevant papers that encompassed the richness of the subject of the study. A combination of text words, MeSH (medical subject headings), exploded subject headings, truncation using phrases for example, 'adjacent to' were used together with Boolean logic using the operators 'AND' 'OR' to facilitate the combination of sets (Greenhalgh, 2001). A master template of text words and MeSH headings was compiled and each database was searched using comparable MeSH headings and text words pertinent to individual databases. Key words included 'birth', 'first baby/child/infant', 'relationship', 'marriage', 'marital', 'spouse', 'partner', 'motherhood', 'fatherhood', 'parenthood', 'satisfaction', 'transition', and 'adjustment'.

An extensive search of bibliographical databases and websites was carried out and included the British nursing index, CINAHL, EBM Reviews, EMBASE, MEDLINE, PsychArticles, PsycINFO, MIDIRS, National Research Register, Current Controlled Trials and PubMed. Journal papers were retrieved for review, the rationale being that they contain the most recent information on the subject (Gash, 2000). Duplicates found on several databases/websites were excluded. The websites were searched using explicit search terms, for example, 'transition to parenthood', 'first child/baby', 'marital satisfaction' included in the title or a combination where sets could be combined.

Papers that were not research based, in English or published prior to 2000 were excluded. The date restriction ensured that recent contemporaneous papers were included reflecting the present expectation of postnatal marital satisfaction, which would differ from expectations in earlier years (Le Masters, 1957). In total, 184 abstracts were read being mindful of the inclusion/exclusion criteria, which comprised married or cohabiting couples experiencing the birth of the first child, but excluded variables that could impact on relationship satisfaction, that is assisted conception, high-risk pregnancies and underlying maternal/paternal psychological pathology. The inclusion and exclusion criteria arose from a dissection of the question using the PICO framework (Centre for Reviews and Dissemination, 2006). A total of 29 papers met the inclusion criteria and were subject to full review. After review, seven papers were selected for in-depth analysis (see Table 1).

Process

The retrieved studies used quantitative and qualitative approaches; and therefore a selection of critiquing tools were utilised to focus the appraisal (Critical Appraisal Skills Framework, 2006; Cormack, 2000; Greenhalgh, 2006). Thus, while using the appraisal tools as a framework, an extensive analysis and thorough reading of the papers has been undertaken to ensure completeness and depth of analysis. Once this was undertaken, the academic supervisor for the study reviewed, reaffirmed, discussed and agreed the analysis. The qualitative studies were Ahlborg and Strandmark (2001) and Ahlborg et al, (2000). The quantitative studies were Schulz et al (2006), Ahlborg et al (2005), Guttmann and Lazar (2004), Killoran Ross (2001) and Shapiro et al (2000).

Overview of methods used in studies

The studies focused on how the baby creates a tension within the relationship and the decrease in relationship satisfaction. The qualitative studies, Ahlborg and Strandmark (2001) and Ahlborg et al (2000) used a descriptive phenomenological approach focused on 'exploring how human beings make sense of and transfer experience into consciousness' (Patton, 2002). They used in-depth interviews to find the 'essence' to validate the recollection of the lived experience of each couple.

While the qualitative studies examined the lived experience, the quantitative studies examined the changed lived experience using interventions (specialist antenatal classes) and questionnaires (see Table 1). They differed in that they interpreted the experience numerically, but the research was notable in that it revealed a new dynamic that impacted on satisfaction with the relationship.

The quantitative studies used a variety of questionnaires to validate their research and two studies introduced specialist antenatal classes to assess whether this intervention aided postnatal marital satisfaction.

Schultz et al's (2006) randomised controlled trial selected first-time parents who were randomly assigned to an intervention group (specialised couple antenatal classes) or a control group (non-specialised couple antenatal classes). An additional couples' group acted as further control and just completed questionnaires and interviews in the postnatal period. The null hypothesis was that the intervention of specialist classes did not impact on marital satisfaction postpartum. As a further control, Schultz et al (2006) assessed the marital satisfaction of childless couples during the same period of research utilising this comparator to add weight to the study. All participants completed a Marital Adjustment Test (MAT) - a validated instrument together with a battery of questionnaires. This study together with Guttman and Lazar (2004) and Shapiro et al (2000) (included in this review) compared childless and first-time parents to assess whether the baby is the factor in relationship decline or whether relationship decline is related to the longevity of the relationship.

Killoran Ross (2001) also included an antenatal intervention to assess the impact on marital satisfaction. He used a quasi-experimental approach in a comparative outcome study using four groups in three different models of antenatal education together with a control group. A total of 11 questionnaires were administered pre- and postnatally to assess wellbeing, support and coping. The dependent variable was parental psychological adjustment during the transition to parenthood. Group 1 (enhanced antenatal intervention) reported greater relationship adjustment.

Ahlborg et al (2005) used a cross-sectional survey utilising the results of a modified validated questionnaire, the Dyadic Adjustment Scale (DAS). The authors assessed data on the quality of the intimate and sexual relationship at six months postpartum. Guttmann and Lazar (2004), in a further cross-sectional survey compared marital satisfaction between first-time parents and childless couples. Couples completed two versions of a validated, modified questionnaire. The aim of their study was to assess marital satisfaction determinants between childless couples and parents in relationships of at least two years but less than four.

The final study was Shapiro et al (2000), which is a prospective panel design longitudinal study that collected data from the same cohort at varying time intervals over a period of six years. This study comprised two groups: newly-weds who subsequently became parents and newly-weds who remained childless. Its aim was to establish underlying factors impacting on marital satisfaction. Data analyses from both groups revealed comparisons of marital satisfaction with/without children. The study used the MAT and Oral History Interview (OHI). Both instruments claim to have high predictive validity. This study analysed data over four to six years.

Sampling

The studies used a variety of sampling techniques (see Table 1) with most using a form of convenience sampling. Sample sizes in the two qualitative studies were five and ten couples and the quantitative studies ranged from 13 to 384 couples.

In phenomenological research, participants have experienced the phenomena, and diversity in individual experience is explored, thus the small sample sizes cited above are adequate (Polit and Beck, 2006).

Schultz et al's (2006) quantitative study comprised a subset of a larger study researching family and children's development. Inclusion criteria included cohabitating couples aged 18 or over expecting their first child. Couples were randomised using a random number table. The sample size in all four groups was less than 30. An adequate sample size can reduce sampling error, however, where a condition is common - marital dissatisfaction post delivery - a smaller sample can be studied (Cluett and Bluff, 2000). The study was not blinded or double-blinded. Participants were aware of the hypothesis, participants/researchers knew what was being tested and two of the researchers were facilitators in the intervention group. A lack of blinding may lead to bias and distortion in studies (Greenhalgh, 2006). Given such a small sample and attrition rate, generalisability may be limited. The sample was a subset of a larger study and therefore its randomness was based on this subset and not a larger, random population.

Killoran Ross (2001) randomly assigned 123 couples to four groups, but there are no data relating to sample size. As a quasi-experimental study, the word 'random' may be used in a different context as true randomisation does not normally occur in quasi-experimental studies (Cluett and Bluff, 2000). However, it is possible that this study was limited by wordage in the selected journal. It is included as it met all inclusion criteria.

Ahlborg et al (2005) surveyed 384 couples from family health centres using convenience sampling. The advantage of this sampling method is that participants are readily available and easy to access. The disadvantages are that they may not be representative of the population as a whole (Cluett and Bluff, 2000). Nonetheless, the authors included detailed baseline characteristics to validate the representativeness of the sample.

Guttmann and Lazar (2004) used convenience snowballing sampling within a university setting. They surveyed 60 childless couples and 60 couples with one child. Polit and Beck (2004) argue that convenience sampling is the weakest form of sampling due to the prevalence of sampling bias and this group may not be representative of the general population.

Shapiro et al (2000) used a convenience two-stage sampling process over four years using a cohort of newly-married couples (n=130) in an area of Seattle which, through attrition reduced to 43 parents and 39 childless couples. The researchers advise that the sample is evenly distributed and representative of the city's population, thus generalisation may be possible even though numbers are small. Clear, valid reasons are given for attrition: divorce, pregnant during data analysis, death, and participants leaving the area.

Data collection

Data collection for the studies varied and comprised in-depth, structured and semi-structured interviews and questionnaires, some which were validated, others modified validated questionnaires (see Table 1). Questionnaires were used in all the quantitative studies with some studies using questionnaires and interviews (Schultz et al, 2006; Shapiro et al, 2000).

The qualitative research collected data using in-depth interviews. Parents were interviewed separately, undisturbed in their own homes and were encouraged, using clarifying questions. Ahlborg and Strandmark (2001) interviewed parents at six and 18 months postpartum and Ahlborg et al (2000) at nine months postpartum. Both studies used audio recordings that were transcribed and analysed.

Participants in Schultz et al's (2006) study completed pre-assessment interviews and validated questionnaires, which were administered ante- and postnatally. The intervention group was split into six subgroups comprising four couples, each of whom discussed the questionnaires, facilitated by coleaders. Each session was audiotaped to ensure the treatment protocol was strictly adhered to. No reference was made to adherence to protocol.

Killoran Ross (2001) clustered and compared five domains from a variety of questionnaires using time series observation at 24 and 26 weeks' gestation and one, two, three, four and six months postpartum.

Ahlborg et al (2005) collected questionnaire data from two groups of first-time parents at six months postpartum and achieved a response rate of 65% and 74% respectively. The questionnaire was a pre-validated modified version of DAS translated into Swedish. The translated DAS was piloted initially with 80 first-time parents to enhance sensitivity and dimension of the subject.

Guttman and Lazar (2004) constructed a validated Marital Satisfaction Questionnaire (MSQ) via a pilot study (n=40) to check content, context and wording suitable for an Israeli cohort. An 'exhaustive list of items' was compiled from the answers and constituted the basis of two attitude questionnaires (MSS) and (MSS-I). The questionnaires comprised 34 items and used a Likert scale to test the degree of marital satisfaction and the importance of an item's content in terms of marital satisfaction. The questionnaire was posted to respondents and data were collected over several months with a 60% response rate. Having to complete two questionnaires with 34 items could have led to low response rates. Postal questionnaires were self-administered and without the researcher present, it is possible that questions may have been misunderstood and erroneous answers given. Bowling (2002) argues that postal questionnaires are only suitable if the questions are straightforward.

Shapiro et al (2000) collected data from couples in the first year of marriage via the OHI instrument (interviews) when both partners were present in the home. A subset were videotaped and studied in detail in a laboratory setting (n=50). The OHI coding system relies on the researcher entering scores on a Likert scale, based on researcher's perception of the answers. They utilised a multivariate analysis of variance (MANOVA) to examine differences in researchers OHI coding and did not find any significant differences.

All participants were followed up annually to complete the MAT questionnaire with new parents completing additional MAT questionnaires at six months antenatally and three months postnatally. This rigour of ongoing data collection ensures that attrition rates are kept to a minimum through constant contact, but equally the repetition of the questionnaires can become tiresome to participants and could account for the 37% attrition rate.

The two descriptive phenomenological studies outlined the approach to their analysis, making use of meaning units transforming them into expressed meanings, rather than interpretive, in line with descriptive phenomenology. The quantitative studies produced statistical analyses of their data.

Findings

This section will report on the analysis of the seven papers selected for review (see Table 2).

Synthesis

Five main themes emerged that contributed to the decline of the relationship. There were clear differences between men and women's dissatisfaction and perceptions of the relationship. Couples reported loss of intimacy, difficulties in communication and overall relationship discontentment.

Impact on women

Killoran Ross (2001) noted that women had higher levels of anxiety than men postnatally. Shapiro et al (2000) found a systematic decline in marital relationships, with a greater impact on women compared with men. They found that women who became mothers had more marital dissatisfaction than childless women and this decline was noted for up to two years post delivery. If the husband expressed fondness and affection towards his wife in the antenatal period, the trend towards decline was halted. Women whose partners expressed disappointment in the relationship during pregnancy reported being dissatisfied postpartum. It appeared that if couples had a strong sense of the other in the relationship - the expansiveness index - this enabled mutual support between the husband and wife before and post delivery.

Impact on men

Killoran Ross (2001) found that men and women report equal dissatisfaction with the relationship. He questioned the concept of the 'new man' who, in supporting his female partner does not help in reducing her relationship dissatisfaction. He too becomes dissatisfied with the increased demands of a new infant. Ahlborg et al (2005) found that men were more stressed than women due to the additional demands at home and outside the home. They also reported greater sexual desire than women (Ahlborg et al, 2000) and were more satisfied with their intimate relationship, their relationship in general and more optimistic about the future of the relationship when compared with women (Ahlborg et al, 2005).

Relationship contentment

It needs to be stated that not all couples experienced the transition to parenthood as having a negative impact on their relationship. Guttmann and Lazar (2004) reported increased marital satisfaction in first-time parents compared with childless couples. They found six factors with importance within the childless couples and parents' relationships. Parents had higher scores than childless couples, notably in 'agreement and consideration', which enhanced relationship satisfaction. They do, however, note that the study had sampling limitations. Additionally, they are mindful that this Israeli study may have impacted on the results as the Jewish religion and culture place a high value on having children. Equally two of the couples in Ahlborg and Strandmark (2001) reported increased relationship solidarity although they did report more fatigue and irritation in their relationship. Most of the couples in Ahlborg et al (2005) study were happy with their relationship per se, while expressing discontent with intimacy. The couples in Schulz et al (2006) intervention study had significantly reduced martial decline in the first few years postnatally. However, by five-and-a-half years, the divorce rate was similar in the intervention and non-intervention groups. Nonetheless, they state that the opportunity for couples to normalise their experience with other group members was helpful. Additionally it may have enhanced the relationship by reducing the likelihood of blaming their partner for the stresses experienced postpartum.

Loss of intimacy

Raphael-Leff (1991) states that couples in the transition to parenthood may experience potential dangers to their relationship due to loss of sexual and intimate relationships, a reduction in the time spent with each other and less mutual nurturing. Ahlborg and Strandmark (2001) found that couples reported a loss of intimacy that resulted in parents reporting 'missing tenderness' and 'yearning' for affection. Ahlborg et al (2005) noted that both parents were often too tired for sexual activity and reported this as a relationship problem. Couples who experienced a mutual, simultaneous loss of desire and need for sexual intimacy reported low relationship conflict (Ahlborg et al, 2000). A conflict in sexual desire created relationship disharmony where the man's interest was stronger than the woman's. Women who breastfed reported a loss of sexual desire and libido (Ahlborg et al, 2005; Ahlborg et al, 2000).

Several studies have found that men perceive a loss of their intimate sexual partner to the baby, especially when the woman is breastfeeding (Cohen et al, 2002; Jackson, 2000; Read, 1996). Studies into breastfeeding and sexuality have noted that women find breastfeeding 'erotic' and have less need of erotic satisfaction from their partners (von Sydow, 1999). These factors can contribute to a loss of relationship satisfaction. Sexual desire was seen as positive when it created feelings of tenderness and acceptance, but defective when perceived as longing or a need for self-control. Some women reported the desire for intimacy without vaginal penetration and were fearful of approaching their partner in case their interest in them was misunderstood.

Communication

Ahlborg and Strandmark (2001) noted that a lack of communication prevailed in parents expressing dissatisfaction with the relationship. Indeed one of the couple's only form of communication related to the baby. The baby became the focus of attention to the detriment of the relationship. The intervention in Schulz et al (2006) enabled couples to communicate more fully and express their feelings, which aided relationship satisfaction. Ahlborg et al (2005) found that positive dyadic communication was associated with satisfaction within the relationship and that it enhanced the couple's intimate relationship. Shapiro et al (2000) found that a buffer against relationship decline was a positive relationship, where spouses communicated their respect and friendship for each other and formed a strong bond to support them through periods of transition. Communication is an important factor within any relationship and is a complex skill that many couples fail to develop.

Validity and reliability

For any evidence to inform change of practice, we need to ensure that the data is valid and reliable (Hamer and Collison, 2003). The research processes described in the qualitative studies relating to the quality of the intimate and sexual relationship can indicate results that are trustworthy. Ahlborg et al's (2005) quantitative data on the loss of intimate and sexual relationships had significant results. Killoran Ross (2001) did not have the data to support their findings. Schulz et al (2006), while using a complicated statistical process, did nonetheless show a decline in relationship dissatisfaction with less in the group with ante- and postnatal intervention. Guttmann and Lazar's (2004) results albeit positive, may be due to the limited sample size with bias and cultural factors influencing results, which they acknowledge. Finally, Shapiro et al (2000) had clear, simple well-described statistical analysis that produced significant results indicating that marital dissatisfaction increases following the birth of the first child.

There are limitations in all these studies; all the quantitative studies had small sample sizes (with the exception of Ahlborg et al, 2005) and additional research with larger sample sizes could produce more reliable conclusions. Schulz et al (2006) and Killoran Ross (2001) used interventions to affect relationship satisfaction, but results from Killoran Ross (2001) could not be validated. Nonetheless, the results evidenced overall that there was relationship dissatisfaction in one form or another following the birth of the first child.

Implications for practice and recommendations

Midwives have an important role in the wellbeing of the family and need to be cognisant of current research. Disseminating information gives women and practitioners choice, it is important therefore to disseminate information to colleagues. Foy and Crilly (2004) describe the gap that exists between evidence and practice and the necessity of disseminating evidence into practice.

The decline in marital satisfaction following the birth of a child has important public health and social implications. The main focus postnatally tends to be on the physical health of the woman and infant, with limited attention paid to emotional and psychological wellbeing unless the woman displays (or discloses) signs of postnatal distress (Perren et al, 2003; Morse et al, 2000). One of the themes running through these studies was the importance of good communication to enhance the relationship. Schulz et al's (2006) research on the effect of therapeutic relationship support to enhance marital satisfaction is an important finding and warrants further research to establish the efficacy of therapeutic relationship interventions on couples. This intervention focused on resolution of relationship difficulties, utilising communication and conflict-resolving skills and has implications for practice when considering education for expectant and delivered couples.

On a practical level, midwives can support couples to make conscious decisions on how they wish to conduct their relationship postnatally, especially in the early weeks when new patterns of behaviour emerge within the relationship. The introduction of a baby into a couple's life demands a reorganisation of the relationship. The way in which changes are assimilated can affect the quality of the relationship. Midwives can facilitate parents to discuss the development of their parenting roles and how they incorporate this new dynamic into their relationship. Increased use of therapeutic interventions, such as psychotherapy and couple counselling could facilitate the transition to parenthood and create healthier, happier parents and families.

Conclusion

This integrative review sought to bring together qualitative and quantitative research to examine the impact of the birth of the baby on a couple's relationship.

The overall conclusion is weighted towards relationship dissatisfaction following the birth of a first child and this review confirms previous findings. The studies critiqued document the negative aspects of relationship problems on the emotional and psychological health of couples following the birth of their first child and reveal the extent of relationship difficulties in the transition to parenthood together with the dissatisfaction and hardships experienced.

There are, however, factors that can strengthen and enhance a relationship and these are good couple communication and relationship interventions. Guttmann and Lazar (2004) found no significant relationship dissatisfaction although, as discussed above, the sample was limited and cultural factors may have influenced the results.

Critiquing research in this depth provides much needed knowledge of the limitations of research and it facilitates researchers in designing better research protocols.

References

Ahlborg T, Dahlof LG, Hallberg LRM. (2005) Quality of the intimate and sexual relationship in first time parents six months after delivery. The Journal of Sex Research 42(2): 167-74.

Ahlborg T, Strandmark M. (2001) The baby was the focus of attention - first-time parents' experiences of their intimate relationship. Scandinavian Journal of Caring Sciences 15(4): 318-25.

Ahlborg T, Strandmark M, Dahlof LG. (2000) First-time parent's sexual relationships. Scandinavian Journal of Sexology 3(4): 127-39.

Barclay L, Lupton D. (1999) The experiences of new fatherhood: a socio-cultural analysis. Journal of Advanced Nursing 29(4): 1013-20.

Beck CT. (2001) Predictors of postpartum depression: an update. Nursing Research 50(5): 275-85.

Belsky J, Pensky E. (1988) Marital change across the transition to parenthood. Marriage and Family Review 12: 133-56.

Bowling A. (2002) Research methods in health. Investigating health and health services (second edition). Open University Press: Maidenhead.

Cappuccini G, Cochrane R. (2000) Life with the first baby: women's satisfaction with the division of roles. Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology 18(3): 190-202.

Critical Appraisal Skills Framework. (2006). See: www.phru.nhs.uk/Pages/PHD/CASP.htm (accessed 27 February 2009).

Centre for Evidence Based Medicine. (2008) Asking focused clinical questions.See: www.cebm.net/index.aspx?o=1036 (accessed 5 January 2009).

Cluett ER, Bluff R. (2000) Principles and practice of research in midwifery. Baillière Tindall: Edinburgh.

Cohen R, Lange L, Slusser WA. (2002) A description of a male-focused breastfeeding promotion corporate lactation program. Journal of Human Lactation 18(1): 61-5.

Cormack DFS. (2000) The research process in nursing (fourth edition). Blackwell Science: Oxford.

Cowan CP, Cowan PA. (1999) When partners become parents: the big life change for couples. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates: Mahwah.

Centre for Reviews and Dissemination. (2006) Stage I. Planning the review. See: www.york.ac.uk/inst/crd/CRD_Reports/crdreport4_ph0.pdf (accessed 27 February, 2009).

Dalgas-Pelish PL. (1993) The impact of the first child on marital happiness. Journal of Advanced Nursing (18)3: 437-41.

Dudley M, Roy K. (2001) Psychological correlates of depression in fathers and mothers in the first postnatal year. Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology 19(3): 187-202.

Foy R, Crilly M. (2004) Evidence-based reproductive health care: getting evidence into practice. Journal of Family Planning and Reproductive Health Care 30(1): 17-20.

Gash S. (2000) Effective literature searching for research (second edition). Gower: Aldershot.

Greenhalgh T. (2001) How to read a paper. The basics of evidence-based medicine (second edition). British Medical Journal Publishing Group: London.

Greenhalgh T. (2006) How to read a paper. The basics of evidence-based medicine (third edition). British Medical Journal Publishing Group: London.

Goodman JH. (2004) Paternal postpartum depression, its relationship to maternal postpartum depression, and implications for family health. Journal of Advanced Nursing (45)1: 26-35.

Guttmann J, Lazar A. (2004) Criteria for marital satisfaction: does having a child make a difference? Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology 22(3): 147-55.

Harmer S, Colllinson G. (2003) Achieving evidence-based practice: A Handbook for practitioners. Baillière Tindall: Edinburgh.

Hodnett ED. (2002) Pain and women's satisfaction with the experience of childbirth: a systematic review. American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology 186(5): 160-72.

Jackson KB. (2000) Women, men, breastfeeding and sexuality. British Journal of Midwifery 8(2): 83-6.

Killoran Ross M. (2001) Promoting the transition to first-time parenthood. British Journal of Midwifery 9(9): 562-6.

Le Masters E. (1957) Parenthood as crisis. Marriage and Family Living 19: 352-5.

Morse CA, Buist A, Durkin S. (2000) First-time parenthood: influences on pre-and postnatal adjustment in fathers and mothers. Journal of Psychosomatic Obstetrics and Gynaecology 21: 109-20.

Nicholls L, Webb C. (2006) What makes a good midwife? An integrative review of methodologically-diverse research. Journal of Advanced Nursing 56(4): 414-29.

Office for National Statistics. (2006) Marriage, divorce and adoption statistics. See: www.statistics.gov.uk (accessed 3 June 2006).

Pacey S. (2004) Couples and the first baby, responding to new parents' sexual and relationship problems. Sexual and Relationship Therapy 19(3):
223-44.

Patton MQ. (2002) Qualitative research and evaluation methods (third edition). Sage Publications: Thousand Oaks.

Perren S, von Wyl A, Simoni H, Stadlmayr W, Burgin D, van Klitzing K. (2003) Parental psychopathology, marital quality and the transition to parenthood. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry 73(1): 55-64.

Polit DF, Beck CT. (2004) Nursing research: principles and methods (seventh edition). Lippincott: Philadelphia.

Polit DF, Beck CT. (2006) Essentials of nursing research: methods, appraisal, and utilization (sixth edition). Lippincott: Philadelphia.

Raphael-Leff J. (1991) Psychological process of childbearing. Chapman and Hall: London.

Ramchandani P, Stein A, Evans J, O'Connor TG. (2005) Paternal depression in the postnatal period and child development: a prospective population study. The Lancet 365(9478): 2201-05.

Read L. (1996) The sexuality of breastfeeding. British Journal of Midwifery 4(8): 424-27.

Schulz MS, Cowan CP, Cowan PA. (2006) Promoting healthy beginnings: A randomized controlled trial of a preventive intervention to preserve marital quality during the transition to parenthood. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 74(1): 20-31.

Shapiro AF, Gottman JM, Carrère S. (2000) The baby and the marriage. Identifying factors that buffer against decline in marital satisfaction after the first baby arrives. Journal of Family Psychology 14(1): 59-70.

St John W, Cameron C, McVeigh. (2005) Meeting the challenge of new fatherhood during the early weeks. Journal of Obstetric, Gynecologic and Neonatal Nursing 34(2): 180-9.

Tomlinson PS. (1996) Marital relationship change in the transition to parenthood: a re-examination as interpreted through transition theory. Journal of Family Nursing 2(3): 286-305.

von Sydow K. (1999) Sexuality during pregnancy and after childbirth: a metacontent analysis of 59 studies. Journal of Psychosomatic Research
47: 27-49.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
The impact of the birth of the first child on a couple's relationship

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
The birth of a first child heralds a major life transition for couples and has an inextricable effect on their relationship as their affiliation transits from an intimate dyad to a dynamic triad. Research suggests that the birth of a first baby has a formidable impact on the couple's relationship, even more so than subsequent progeny.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Abstract

This paper reviews and compares folk theories and empirical evidence about the influence of parenthood on happiness and life satisfaction. The review of attitudes toward parenthood and childlessness reveals that people tend to believe that parenthood is central to a meaningful and fulfilling life, and that the lives of childless people are emptier, less rewarding, and lonelier, than the lives of parents. Most cross-sectional and longitudinal evidence suggest, however, that people are better off without having children. It is mainly children living at home that interfere with well-being, particularly among women, singles, lower socioeconomic strata, and people residing in less pronatalist societies-especially when these characteristics are combined. The discrepancy between beliefs and findings is discussed in relation to the various costs of parenting; the advantages of childlessness; adaptation and compensation among involuntarily childless persons; cognitive biases; and the possibility that parenthood confers rewards in terms of meaning rather than happiness.

Keywords

Life satisfaction Happiness Children Parenthood Parental status Childlessness Literature review

References

1. Azarow, J. (2003). Generativity and well- being: An investigation of the Eriksonian hypothesis. Dissertation. Northwestern University.

2. Basten, S. (2009a). Pets and the " need to nurture". The future of human reproduction, working paper #3. University of Oxford.

3. Clark, A. (2007). Born to be mild? Cohort effects don't ( fully) explain why well- being is U- shaped in age. Paris School of Economics and IZA.

4. Inglehart, R., M., B., Diez-Medrano, J., Halman, L., & Luijkx, R. (2004). Human beliefs and values: A cross- cultural sourcebook based on the 1999- 2002 values survey. México Siglo XXI Editores.

5. NSD. (2002). Spørreundersøkelse om familie og kjønnsroller [ ISSP survey on family and gender roles]. http://tinyurl.com/ydadt4h . Accessed 2 May 2010.

6. Shields, M., & Wooden, M. (2003). Marriage, children and subjective well- being. http://melbourneinstitute.com/hilda/Biblio/cp/conf-p01.pdf . Accessed 13 Feb 2007.

© Springer Science+Business Media B.V. 2011

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Parenthood and Happiness: a Review of Folk Theories Versus Empirical Evidence

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
This paper reviews and compares folk theories and empirical evidence about the influence of parenthood on happiness and life satisfaction. The review of attitudes toward parenthood and childlessness reveals that people tend to believe that parenthood is central to a meaningful and fulfilling life, and that the lives of childless people are emptier, less rewarding, and lonelier, than the lives of parents.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Developing the capability of the health visiting workforce to offer early relationship support: a policy briefing from the Relationships Alliance.
Background
As a universal service, health visiting enjoys a unique position in regard to its potential to affect the life course and life chances of babies and young children.

It is natural therefore that what health visitors do should be the subject of regular debate; indeed, as recently as 2011 the Government introduced a new health visiting implementation plan which set out a revised structure and roles for the profession (Department of Health, 2011).

While the Healthy Child Programme (DCSF/DH, 2009), led by health visitors, contains a major focus on parenting support (including 'supporting strong couple relationships and stable positive relationships within families'), there is little evidence to suggest that such an approach has become central to current health visitor practice. Indeed, a major literature review (Cowley, 2013) commissioned to support the Health Visiting Implementation Plan 2011-15 found only 'a collection of disparate studies that vary in methodology and quality with little conclusive evidence of service outcomes' relating to support for parents, and does not even cover the topic of parental relationship support as a core task of health visiting. This is worrying, given research showing that couples going through this transition of becoming a new parent are at risk of decreased relationship satisfaction (Mitnick et al., 2009)
The impact of poor parental relationship quality and conflict on babies and young children
The research evidence on the impact of couple conflict (Coleman, 2010) (TCCR, 2011) (Harold and Leve, 2012) tells us that conflict which is frequent, intense and poorly resolved is very harmful, and that this kind of conflict can have an effect on children of all ages. Babies as young as six months, for example, exhibit higher physiological symptoms of distress such as elevated heart rate in response to overt, hostile exchanges between their parents when compared to exchanges between non-parental adults. Infants and children up to the age of five years show signs of distress by crying, acting out, freezing, as well as withdrawing from or attempting to intervene in the actual conflict itself.

The ambition therefore to develop the practice of key frontline professions - such as health visitors and children's centre workers - such that it better incorporates a couple dimension stems therefore from a desire by policy-makers and practitioners to respond to this evidence by identifying opportune ways to strengthen couple and family relationships, and thereby reduce the exposure to, and impact of, such couple distress and conflict (Coleman, 2010).

The earlier we can intervene to support the quality of the parental couple relationship, the better our chances of reducing babies' and young children's exposure to potentially harmful levels and types of couple distress and conflict, as well as of reducing the incidence of postnatal depression in one or both partners (being a factor associated with poorer children's outcomes) (Murray, 1996). Moreover, the fact that research suggests that poor parental relationship quality, and parental

relationship conflict, are associated with the development of insecure attachment between infants and parents lends further weight to the notion that services should be aiming to intervene as early as possible to support the parental couple relationship (TCCR, 2012); improvements in relationships are more probable if these solutions are considered and implemented at an early stage (Feinberg et al., 2010; Halford et al., 2010; Schulz et al., 2006; Shapiro & Gottman, 2005).
Overview of evidence supporting the addition of a couple dimension to health visiting practice
Research investigating the impact of adding a couple dimension or focus to the practice of health visiting has been scarce (though one notable exception will be explored below); however, a number of studies have explored the effects of couple-focused work by other frontline practitioner groups on the relationship quality and functioning of couples experiencing the transition to parenthood.

For example, the Becoming a Family Project, a longitudinal study in the U.S. of partners becoming parents for the first time, followed families from late pregnancy until their child completed the first year of elementary school (Cowan & Cowan, 2000). The authors of this study found that the relationship quality of those couples expecting a first child who were randomly assigned to a couples group meeting weekly for six months led by clinically trained male-female teams was maintained over a period of 5-1/2 years, as opposed to the relationship quality of couples in the control/ no-treatment arm of the study, whose marital satisfaction declined over time.

In the UK, findings were published in 2010 from a project designed to maximize the effectiveness of parenting support to vulnerable families (through sensitizing the workforce of a community-based adult mental health agency to take account of the parental couple in providing postnatal support groups, parenting workshops and relationship counselling). Evaluating outcomes from these services suggests that a couple orientation adds significant value to the effectiveness of parenting support with "all three of the evaluated services [being able to] claim to have reduced the risk of depression among the mothers who used them" (Clulow, 2010). As the authors of this study state: "The importance of the relationship between parents is frequently underestimated by those designing and developing services to support parents in bringing up their children".

A recent randomised contolled trial found that a relationship support training programme (Brief encounters®) for frontline practitioners working with families had a large and positive impact on the way practitioners handled conversations with parents about their relationship difficulties, in using more appropriate techniques such as listening and summarising. Practitioners in the intervention group were also more than twice as likely as those in the control group to be confident in knowing both where and how to refer parents on for further support. The training also increased the likelihood of offering equivalent support in the future. These positive outcomes were experienced across the sample, irrespective of people's prior years of working in the arena of children and families and their level of confidence in dealing with such matters (Coleman, 2013).

While children's centre workers were the main recipient of the training in this study (albeit some health visitors and student health visitors also received the training), the authors suggest "there are of course other professional groups who may benefit from this training such as midwives and health visitors". Given the "well documented barriers to more formal, more professional avenues for relationship support (not least cost), and the fact that such support is often taken at a late point in time or as a last resort", this study, the authors argue, points to the potential for "training the relational capability of the wider family support workforce, and to the importance of providing early preventative relationship support through a means that is arguably of greater acceptability and accessibility compared to more professional sources" (Coleman, 2013).

This view is supported by findings from a study of the effects of training health visitors on the Brief Encounters course which also underpinned the approach studied by Coleman et al. (see previous paragraph) (Simons, 2003). Brief Encounters is a training programme aimed at frontline staff who are 'turned to' by clients regarding relationship problems and which aims to give them greater confidence to listen without becoming overwhelmed, and to offer effective support and make a referral where necessary. The Simons study also looked at the quality of the parents' relationship during the postnatal period and the value of support provided by health visitors in cases of discord.

Evidence obtained from 450 mothers seen by health visitors based at nine clinics in an outer London borough found that attendance by the health visitors at a four-day training course for health visitors enabled them to screen for relationship problems during the postnatal period and to provide support when required in a way that was valued by mothers. Most health visitors were enthusiastic about the value of the intervention in improving their contribution to family welfare (Simons, 2003).
Developing the capability of the health visiting workforce to offer early relationship support
Evidence highlighted above indicates that a person experiencing relationship distress is most likely to turn to someone that they are already in routine contact with such as a health visitor; and that such opportunities for early intervention are often missed or ignored because health visitors don't have the training to feel able to discuss relationship issues, or respond to meet the need, or refer appropriately to more specialist therapeutic services.

With effective training, however, it is possible to build a relationally capable workforce that is relationally minded, can identify the signs of difficulties and respond appropriately, and promote ways of protecting and strengthening relationships (Coleman et al 2013).

There are a number of ways in which the development of such a workforce could be achieved, including:
Cascade model of training
A training package to train 2 relationship champions in each employing organisation and universities offering health visitor training programmes (146 in England) who would be responsible for cascading a blended learning programme to student health visitors and the health visiting workforce, which will total 14-15000 by March 2015 as result of the HV Implementation plan (DH 2011). This offer could also be extended to Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland.
Direct delivery
A blended learning training programme delivered directly to the health visiting workforce consisting of an eLearning module and one day skills workshop.
E-learning only
Standalone e-learning package that provides the learner with knowledge, understanding and tools to offer relationship support in practice.
Conclusion
Evidence relating to health visiting, and allied frontline professionals, strongly supports the contention that incorporating a couple dimension into health visiting practice has the potential to help intervene effectively where there is relationship distress. Given the evidence regarding the impact of relationship distress and couple conflict on young children, the Relationships Alliance believes that the development of relational practice in health visiting should be a priority.

The Relationships Alliance believes that such a development can best be achieved by key partners - e.g. the Institute of Health Visiting, Department of Health, Department for Work and Pensions (as department with responsibility for relationship support) - working together; the Relationships Alliance has expertise in this area and would be keen to contribute to and facilitate such a programme of work.
References
Clulow, C., Donaghy, M. (2010) Developing the couple perspective in parenting support: evaluation of a service initiative for vulnerable families. Journal of Family Therapy, 32: 142-168

Coleman, C., Glenn, F. (2010) The Varied Impact of Couple Relationship Breakdown on Children: Implications for Practice and Policy. Children & Society, Volume 24, Issue 3, pages 238-249, May 2010

Coleman, L., Houlston, C., Casey, P., Bryson-Purdon (2013) A Randomised Control Trial of a Relationship Support Training Programme for Frontline Practitioners Working with Families. One Plus One

Cowan, C. P., & Cowan, P. A. (2000). When partners become parents : the big life change for couples. Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

Cowley, S., Whittaker, K., Grigulis, A., Malone, M., Donetto, S., Wood, H., Morrow, E., Maben, J. (2013) Why Health Visiting? A review of the literature about key health visitor interventions, processes and outcomes for children and families. Department of Health Policy Research Programme, ref. 016 0058. National Nursing Research Unit, King's College London

Department of Health, (2011). Health Visitor Implementation Plan 2011-15. A Call to Action

Department of Children, Schools and Families & Department of H ealth (2009). Healthy Child Programme - Pregnancy and the first five years of life

Feinberg, M. E., Jones, D. E., Kan, M. L., & Goslin, M. C. (2010). Effects of family foundations on parents and children: 3.5 years after baseline. Journal of Family Psychology, 24(5), 532-542. doi:10.1037/a0020837

Halford, W. K., Petch, J., & Creedy, D. K. (2010). Promoting a Positive Transition to Parenthood: A Randomized Clinical Trial of Couple Relationship Education. Prevention Science, 11(1), 89-100.

Harold, G., Leve, L. (2012) Parents and Partners: How the Parental Relationship affects Children's Psychological Development in Balfour, A., Morgan, M., Vincent, C. (eds.) (2012) How Couple Relationships Shape Our World: Clinical Practice, Research and Policy Perspectives, Karnac, London

Mitnick, D.M., Heyman, R.E., Smith Slep, A.M., 2009. Changes in Relationship Satisfaction Across the Transition to Parenthood: A Meta-Analysis. J. Fam. Psychol. 43 23, 848-852

urray, L., Fiori-Cowley, A., Hooper, R., Cooper, P. (1996) The Impact of Postnatal Depression and Associated Adversity on Early Mother-Infant Interactions and Later Infant Outcome. Child Development, 67, 5, p2512-2526,

Shapiro, A. F., & Gottman, J. M. (2005). Effects on Marriage of a Psycho-Communicative-Educational Intervention With Couples Undergoing the Transition to Parenthood, Evaluation at 1-Year Post Intervention. Journal of Family Communication, 5(1), 1-24. doi:10.1207/s15327698jfc0501_1

Schulz, M. S., Cowan, C. P., & Cowan, P. A. (2006). Promoting healthy beginnings: A randomized controlled trial of a preventive intervention to preserve marital quality during the transition to parenthood. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 74(1), 20-31. doi:10.1037/0022-006X.74.1.20

Simons, S., Reynolds, J., Mannion, J., Morison, L. (2003) How the health visitor can help when problems between parents add to postnatal stress. Journal of Advanced Nursing, Volume 44, Issue 4, pages 400-411, November 2003

TCCR, (2011). The Impact of Couple Conflict on Children. A policy briefing paper from TCCR. Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships, London

TCCR, (2012). What do couple relationships have to do with infant mental health and secure attachment? A policy briefing paper from TCCR. Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships, London

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
tavistock centre for couple relationships

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Health visiting workforce and early relationship support

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Developing the capability of the health visiting workforce to offer early relationship support: a policy briefing from the Relationships Alliance. Background As a universal service, health visiting enjoys a unique position in regard to its potential to affect the life course and life chances of babies and young children.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Help for men whose wives suffer from postpartum depresion

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Advice & Support Archive - Workingmums.co.uk

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Please note: Our experts can only offer advice pertaining to the UK. We endeavour to answer every question we can, but please be aware that as a free advice line there may be a delay in getting a response to you.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Debt and relationships - talk to someone

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Christians Against Poverty (CAP) is a charity providing free, face-to-face support for people with a variety of debts and overdue bills, backed up by professional debt counsellors who negotiate with creditors on your behalf. We work to get you debt free either through repayment or one of the insolvency options, whichever best suits your situation.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Remember when you used to gaze into your partner's eyes? Time stood still. Birds sang. Flowers danced. It felt like you were living in a musical.

But then time started moving again and life got busy. To-do lists got longer. Eye gazing took a back seat to things like iPads.

Honestly, when was the last time you slowed down and looked into your partner's eyes? When did you last gaze at one another?

Chances are it's been a while.

The weekend is upon us and I've got a little invitation for you. Take ten minutes this weekend to quietly look into your partner's eyes.

" What? Ten minutes? " you might be thinking.

Yes. Ten minutes.

Here are three reasons to try eye gazing:

1. You have no idea who your partner is.

I'm not saying that to scare you. I'm saying that to remind you that you are in a relationship with an ever-changing, infinitely mysterious and amazing being. When you really look into his or her eyes, you can feel this infinite amazing-ness.

2. You have no idea who you are.

You're also an ever-changing, infinitely mysterious and amazing being. If you don't pause and feel this within yourself, you might miss it. By pausing to gaze with acceptance at the one you love, you will see yourself more clearly.

3. You can download a free guided meditation.

This free guided meditation will guide you and your partner through this. If you're a little uneasy about sitting down and looking into your partner's eyes for ten minutes, I've recorded a guided meditation that will guide you both through the process.

You can download the couple meditation by clicking here.

Eye Gazing

This type of meditation is called Eye Gazing. The practice is simple.

Sit across from one another and gaze into one another's eyes. You might wonder which eye to focus on. Don't worry about that-just choose one and stay with it.

It's not a staring contest; it's ok to blink. It's ok to laugh or to giggle or to cry. It's ok to sit quietly and simply look.
Notice what arises within you as you sit and gaze into the eyes of your beloved.
Notice where your mind tries to go. Notice if there's an urge to grab your phone. Notice if you have the urge to look away. Whenever your mind wanders, bring your awareness back to your eyes and gaze with awe at the wonder you are beholding.

This is an intimate practice.

Something sacred and intimate awakens when you look in this way. It takes vulnerability to really look. It takes vulnerability to allow yourself to be seen. This requires courage.

Be courageous! Be seen.

Be still and quiet.
Allow your eyes to talk. Allow your hearts to communicate. Allow your souls to connect.
The eye is the window to the soul. I believe this is true in two ways.

First, when you look deeply into the eyes of another human being, you glimpse the part of them that is pure wonder without end.

Second, when you look deeply into the eyes of another human being, it opens a window to your own soul. Your partner's eyes serve as a reflection of the beauty, complexity, and divine humanity that exists in you.

Try it for ten minutes.

Turn all of your attention to one another for this small window of time and notice how you feel.

It's a simple, intimate meditation that you and your partner can practice at any time (except when you're driving).

If you want to listen to the Eye Gazing guided meditation, you can download it here for free.

Let me know how eye gazing goes for you and your partner.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Remember when you used to gaze into your partner's eyes? Time stood still. Birds sang. Flowers danced. It felt like you were living in a musical. But then time started moving again and life got busy. To-do lists got longer. Eye gazing took a back seat to things like iPads.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
The 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work by John Gottman - Relationship Advice ► Book Summary

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
An animated book summary of The 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman. Explainer Video by OnePercentBetter.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
こちらは日本の公共放送（NHK）で放送された、 産後うつについての番組です。ぜひご覧ください。
En Espanol, nueva revista historia, "Depresion Posparto Masculina." View Article

Remember seeing your baby for the first time? You were probably filled with pride and excitement. That's what you always heard it was like having a child - pure joy. Baby bliss.

Then, reality sets in. Sleepless nights. A screaming infant needing nearly constant care. Fights with your partner. Going to work exhausted.

Then, over time, you've noticed things have gotten worse.

Now, you've lost your sense of humor, and there's not much to look forward to. You've started getting more anxious or panicky. You've had trouble sleeping. And you're miserable a lot of the time.

Or perhaps you've been irritable. You're getting more stressed at work and getting angry with your wife. Maybe you've noticed you're drinking more - or withdrawing from people.

These are all signs of men's depression. You may think you should just "get over it" - and that you must be the only guy who can't. But you're not the only one.

Every day, over 1,000 new dads in the United States become depressed. And according to some studies, that number is as high as 2,700. That's 1 in 10 to as many as 1 in 4 new dads who have postpartum depression. Whatever
the exact number, we know that a lot of fathers are suffering from this painful condition.

The truth is, depression, anxiety and other mood disorders are common. In fact, they're just as common - and just as real - as physical problems, like heart disease and diabetes. They can also be as crippling.

Now, contrary to what you might think, admitting you're depressed isn't admitting defeat. It's admitting there's hope. And it's taking charge of your life.

Postpartum depression in dads - or PPND (for Paternal Postnatal Depression) - is a very serious condition. Without effective treatment, it can result in damaging, long-term consequences for a man, his child, and his entire family. But with proper treatment and support, men can fully recover from PPND.

Depression isn't something a guy can simply "get over." It's a health condition that needs to be treated - just like a bad heart or injured knee. PostpartumMen is a place for you to find the strength and courage you need to get your life back on track.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Postpartum Men | Helping Men Beat The Baby Blues And Overcome Depression

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
こちらは日本の公共放送（NHK）で放送された、 産後うつについての番組です。ぜひご覧ください。 En Espanol, nueva revista historia, "Depresion Posparto Masculina." View Article Remember seeing your baby for the first time? You were probably filled with pride and excitement. That's what you always heard it was like having a child - pure joy. Baby bliss. Then, reality sets in. Sleepless nights.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Find information on a range of illnesses and other health-related issues from seeing and hearing people's real life experiences. Thousands of people have shared their experiences on film to help others understand what it's really like to have a health condition such as breast cancer or arthritis.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
There are a number of ways of preparing for and managing stress in early parenthood. Below are some strategies that many new mothers and fathers have found helpful when dealing with the struggles and challenges they face, to help with managing stress in early parenthood.

Be aware of your expectations - whilst you may have held perceptions of what parenthood would be like for you - this may not be your current reality. It is likely that many of your perceptions and expectations of parenthood to be a joyful event have been influenced to some degree by marketing, magazine articles, books and talking with friends and/or family about their experiences.

It is very difficult to admit you are not coping when society puts such high expectations on motherhood and that it appears so wonderful.

Like all aspects of becoming a parent, the range of experiences can vary greatly, and sometimes this range is not portrayed, and hence not what we have come to expect. Be open to the range of experiences that are likely to occur, as this is likely to include times of struggle and confusion as you are on a major learning curve. There are likely to be difficult days (more for some than others) and this is normal. You are not the only one who is likely to be struggling with life as a new parent.

Establish genuine support networks - just as what we read and see can influence our perceptions of what parenthood is meant to be like, so too can our interactions with others. The reality is, that often the difficult times are not reported or spoken about openly. This can make you feel at times like you are the only one who is struggling or not coping. This is not the case. You are not alone. Everyone has good days and bad days. It is all part of the journey of parenthood.

Don't forget about your needs - whilst being a parent is about putting the needs of your baby (and often others) first, it is easy to forget about your own needs. You need to look after yourself - after all, it is only by doing this that you can then continue to look after your baby.

Consider exercise as a stress release - exercise is a great way to relieve physical and mental stress. Not only can it help release the positive endorphins, but can relieve muscle tension, give you some time out or a change of scene, and give you the chance to focus on something else.

Don't expect too much of yourself - there will always be more chores that can be done, but at the end of the day, does it really matter if everything is not done and/or not perfect? Take time to savour the good moments. Make time for you. Slow down, rest, relax and take care of yourself.

Make time for you - to do things that you enjoyed before your baby came along, for yourself and with your partner. This will help restore some balance in your life. It can also remind you of the person you are, as well as being a parent.

Remember that tough stages pass - you may go through stages with your baby that are very wearing, and really test your patience. Try to remember - this stage won't last forever and things generally get easier as your baby grows and you grow into the role of a parent too.

Reach out - when things get tough, don't go it alone, reach out. Make contact. A phone call and a chat with someone can help you instantly connect, feel less isolated and possibly provide you with some perspective that you need at the time. Don't be afraid or too proud to ask for help. This can be a tough ride, and others will more than likely appreciate the opportunity to be involved and help out.

Trust yourself - there is no right or wrong way to parent, and there is so much advice out there that it can be confusing, overwhelming and contradictory. Whilst is can be useful to consider the advice of experts, it may not apply in all situations or to all babies, so trust yourself to find your own way. You know your baby and partner better than anyone and can develop and fine tune your own strategies.

Be aware of the influences of others on your feelings - the support and advice of others can be useful, but sometimes can undermine our confidence. Be aware of those around you who may be critical or seem competitive. Feeling that you need to 'keep up' or hide what is really going on for you does not help anyone.

There is too much pressure on mothers to get it all right and to be in control/know what they are doing, look good etc.

By being open and honest with other sincere parents that you trust will give everyone the opportunity to build strong and genuine supports which are likely to last for many years to come.

Stop comparing - yourself with others. Everyone's situation is unique and not comparable. This is not a competition. There are no winners. Back yourself.

Avoid using drugs or alcohol to relax - often people find that having a drink or two can help them to relax and unwind. For many, this marks a time when you can take some time for yourself - which you may certainly look forward to particularly when your day has been all about looking after the needs of others. It is important be be aware of your reasons for drinking, and if you may be becoming reliant on alcohol or drugs to relax or change the way that you feel. It is also important for mothers to be awards of the fact that alcohol is when breastfeeding, as this does pass through to your infant. Finally, alcohol or drugs can affect your ability to safely care for your baby or other children, so it is important to ensure you manage your intake responsibly.

When things reach breaking point - place your baby somewhere safe (for example, in their cot) and take a few minutes for yourself. Deep breathing, music or talking to someone can reduce heightened levels of stress. It is normal for parents to feel like this at challenging times. Take the time for yourself to regroup, and remember that this will pass.

Be aware of how much and how long you have felt under stress - there are always going to be times when we feel under stress, but if this feeling becomes constant and ongoing as opposed to lasting for short periods of time, it could become distress and increase your risk of developing postnatal depression, anxiety or other mental health problems.

I always liked being in control and being strong. I didn't feel in control after having the baby and didn't like admitting, even to myself that I was having trouble coping. I had a few other stressors at the time and I always felt that they were the true cause of my depression.

It's a good idea to be aware of these conditions and what the symptoms are so that you can identify these conditions early, and seek timely and appropriate help.
Managing stress - information for dads

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
There are a number of ways of preparing for and managing stress in early parenthood. Below are some strategies that many new mothers and fathers have found helpful when dealing with the struggles and challenges they face, to help with managing stress in early parenthood.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Someone we loved so much has died. It can be hard to know where to turn. For religions, dying was regarded as an essential, immensely important, part of existence; it was supposed to happen at a time appointed by God or by fate. It was not an embarrassing or despair-inducing...

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Someone we loved so much has died. It can be hard to know where to turn. For religions, dying was regarded as an essential, immensely important, part of existence; it was supposed to happen at a time appointed by God or by fate. It was not an embarrassing or despair-inducing...

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Two experts in bonding look at key responses in love relationships.

The New Frontier of Sex & Intimacy

Bestselling author of "Hold me Tight" and "Love Sense." She's a clinical psychologist and professor, and the creator of a new type of relationship therapy: emotionally focused couples therapy. She has also trained thousands of therapists around the world. (TedX)

How To Love Intelligently
Can love last forever through the ups and downs of life? Couples therapist Dr. Sue Johnson explains what it really takes to make a relationship work. (MindBodyGreen)

Author Sue Johnson says that love is by no means illogical or random, but a recipe for survival. She sits down for a feature interview on the science behind love and relationships, as detailed in her new book, "Love Sense: The Revolutionary Science of Romantic Relationships." (TVO/The Agenda)

Soothing the Threatened Brain

A landmark study, shows that we can now effectively help couples, not just understand their relationship a little better or fight a little less, but create the secure loving bonds that soothe our brain.

The Laws of Love (Live Talk)

We know what love is, why it matters, what it does for us, and what responses make or break our love relationships. This quiet revolution, has all happened in the last 20 years. But can love last? The evidence is that if you know how to do it, it can. Brain scans tell us that some long time lover's brains respond in the same way, with the same excitement as those of new lovers to pictures of their beloved. If you can reach out and hold onto each other as you face life's dragons together, every dragon you face makes the bond of trust and love between you stronger. We can have the loving lasting relationships we all long for. But only if we learn Love Sense.
We have solved the "mystery' called love and we can learn to shape it. This is the doorway into greater happiness, better mental and physical health, more secure, resilient and confident adults and more loving partnerships and families.

Emotionally Focused Therapy

Dr. Sue Johnson provides a brief summary of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). This leading edge, empirically validated form of therapy which is taught all over the world. EFT is based on the last 50 yrs of scientific research on bonding: bonding between mother and child and romantic bonds between partners. EFT provides a map to what matters in intimate relationships: how they work, how they go wrong, and what is needed to put them right.

Author Dr. Sue Johnson "Love Sense"

You and Me talks to author Dr. Sue Johnson about her new book, "Love Sense."

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Two experts in bonding look at key responses in love relationships. The New Frontier of Sex & Intimacy Bestselling author of "Hold me Tight" and "Love Sense." She's a clinical psychologist and professor, and the creator of a new type of relationship therapy: emotionally focused couples therapy.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Find information on a range of illnesses and other health-related issues from seeing and hearing people's real life experiences. Thousands of people have shared their experiences on film to help others understand what it's really like to have a health condition such as breast cancer or arthritis.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Like it or not, you have needs: we all do. We would hardly be human if we didn't. In my work, I am often surprised by how many people - both men and women - either try to deny their needs or don't know they have them.

These unmet needs are the leading underlying factors behind most disputes and disappointments couples have. The more disputes and disappointments you have, the more tumultuous your relationship and, therefore, more likely you are to divorce.

Gaining clarity on what your personal needs are, what your marital needs are as well as how and where to get your needs met has a huge impact on the direction you take in your marriage. Once you know and understand your needs, some of you can take action to meet them. Whatever issues were causing the problems can be addressed. For others, uncovering your needs may highlight that your spouse is unwilling or incapable of meeting them.

When people have needs that are not being met in the marriage, they either go without and suffer or get their needs met somewhere else. it's not realistic or even healthy to expect your spouse to meet all of your needs, but going outside the marriage for sex, for example, is almost always hurtful to the spouse who is being cheated on.

What is it about having needs that has such negative implications? Since we all have them, why can't we be more open about our needs with ourselves and others? What's the big deal? Well, by virtue of having needs we are rendered vulnerable - a state most of us don't feel comfortable being in.

If our physical needs don't get met, we can literally die. In the realm of our emotional needs, we may not die if they are not fulfilled, but we are open to being deeply wounded and to feeling tremendous pain or sadness. In having needs, we are often dependent on others to help us get our needs satisfied. This is most true in childhood, when we are the most dependent we will ever be.

How well our needs were met and what we were taught as young people about needing and being needed sets the stage for the rest of our lives.in the sense that you cannot advance to the next level of need until your more basic needs are met.

Abraham Maslow, a 20th century psychologist, developed what he called a "Hierarchy of Needs" - a series of needs that he believed motivated us on a day to day basis. Maslow postulated that these needs are progressive.

In observing chimpanzees, Maslow noticed significant behavior changes depending on the level of the need: the more survival-based the need, the more agitated, aggressive or even violent the behavior of those seeking to have that need filled was. The more advanced the need, the more the inter-relational and cooperative the behavior.

Maslow saw that there was more of a sense of urgency in getting the lowest needs met (as if their life depended on it -which it did) while, on the contrary, when the primates could focus on their higher needs, they came from a calmer, more trusting and cooperative place. Maslow then translated these observations to humans and found the same patterns held true.
Marriage and the Hierarchy of Needs
Just how does a marriage survive? What must be present for both spouses to feel safe? How do both get their love needs met? And the same questions may be asked as to how both people get their esteem and actualization needs met within the marriage.

While some of the answers may differ from couple to couple, there are basic qualities of a marriage that most people in most cultures would agree must be present. By way of introduction, the Marital Hierarchy of Needs breaks down as follows:

Marriage Survival Need s: You must be legally married (in the eyes of the State or Church), have a mutual agreement to be married, live in the same house or at least have regular contact with your spouse. You don't have to love or even like your spouse to have a marriage in survival mode, you simply need to maintain your status as married.

Marriage Safety Needs: To feel safe with each other, you take care of and provide comfort to one another, create a home, have financial security, mutual trust, mutual honesty, protect one another physically, mentally and emotionally, and create an abuse-free environment within the marriage.

Marriage Love Needs: Mutual love is an obvious requirement to have a marriage that operates from this level. Kindness, compassion, companionship, intimacy, affection, sex (love-making) are also important factors here.

Marriage Esteem Needs: To reach this level, you need to have self-esteem and esteem of your spouse, mutual respect, honoring of commitments.

Marriage Actualization Needs: Because the lower needs have been met, one or both spouses can support each other to reach respective goals, each can sacrifice their own needs (to a healthy degree) for the bigger picture, they have maturity, they maintain a healthy balance in life, each feels a sense of fulfillment in life and they give back to the community.

We have all been taught that, when it comes to marriage, "love is all you need" and, as a society, we often focus on maintaining this love. But what we are not taught is that we must feed, water and nurture our marriage by meeting the lower needs of the union.

When we as humans don't have our basic needs met, we become more pushy, aggressive and fear-based. When we feel safe, comfortable, loved and esteemed, we tend to have more confidence, ease and trust that we will continue to get what we need.

T his article is an excerpt from Chapter Five of, Contemplating Divorce, A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go (New Harbinger 2008).

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Like it or not, you have needs: we all do. We would hardly be human if we didn't. In my work, I am often surprised by how many people - both men and women - either try to deny their needs or don't know they have them.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Think having children will make you happy? | The Psychologist

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
lesina, A., Di Tella, R. & MacCulloch, R. (2004). Inequality and happiness: Are Europeans and American different? Journal of Public Economics, 88, 2009-2042. Clark, A.E., Diener, E., Georgellis, Y. & Lucas, R.E. (2008). Lags and leads in life satisfaction: A test of the baseline hypothesis. Economic Journal, 118, F222-243. Clark, A.E.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
The 5 Love Languages in 5 Minutes - Gary Chapman ► Animated Book Summary

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
After a day spent feeding, changing, swaddling and then feeding, changing and swaddling some more, the first thing you want to do when your partner gets home is slip into something sexy and go all Fifty Shades of Grey on each other, right? Probably not.

Chances are you dreamed of having a family for a long time, but now your post-baby sex life may be less than scandalous. That's to be expected, says Kristen Chase, author of The Mominatrix's Guide to Sex: A No-Surrender Advice Book for Naughty Moms. "After being enraptured with pregnancy for nine months, there's this little person in your life whose needs come before anyone else's, and your relationship can fall to the bottom of the priority list," she says.

A New Kind of Threesome

That sweet, cooing, smiling, laughing baby that now occupies all your waking hours and thoughts might be the best thing that's ever happened to you and your partner, but you might already be struggling to reconnect as a couple after baby is added to the equation: 73 percent of respondents said they have less sex now than before they had kids. "After the first child, many people feel like they've lost interest in sex and don't feel like themselves anymore," says Irwin Goldstein Ph.D., director of the Institute for Sexual Medicine in San Diego. Your new love has left you tired and unmotivated. "It's very hard to be part of a threesome; all the rules of the game change," says Dana Dorfman, psychotherapist and parenting expert in New York City. "At its core, both you and your partner are falling in love with someone else-your baby. It's like you're both having an affair with the same person, and because of it, your sexual connection can falter."

The shift from husband and wife or boyfriend and girlfriend to mom and dad is the biggest factor couples face when adjusting to life as parents. "Men and women have a hard time integrating sexual identities with parental identities," says Dorfman. "At the beginning of the relationship, a man views his partner as a mate-a sexual being, so to speak. After a woman becomes a mother, her main focus becomes her child, and both the man and the woman may have a hard time reconciling her new identity as mother and mate. "

"You will come out victorious on the other side," says Jenn Berman, psychotherapist and host of Couples Therapy on VH1. "You might just have to work particularly hard to stay connected."

Great Sex = Great Sleep

Sleep or, specifically, the lack thereof, takes the biggest toll on sex. "It goes without saying that sex drive is impacted by lack of sleep," says Jenn Berman. "Both sex and sleep are critical to our well-being, but they don't always go together. You can sleep without having sex first, but it feels like the tallest order to have sex when you're not well-rested."

The key is to stop thinking of sex and sleep as either-or. Instead, consider sex as the means to a better night's sleep for both of you-really. "Couples who engaged in regular sex were more likely to experience high-quality sleep than couples who didn't," according to a study by Laura Berman, director of the Berman Women's Wellness Center. If you wanna get some, ya gotta strategize.

Eighteen percent of respondents said they plan sex far in advance, meaning they mark the calendar and set aside time. This works, says Jenn Berman, "Parents have to make their intimate time a priority." Set yourself a bedtime earlier than you normally hit the hay. If you're still awake and alert when you both retire to the bedroom, it's more likely you won't be "too tired" to get it on. By the time sleep comes, you'll enjoy the benefits of being well-bedded.

Shake What Your Mama Gave Ya

Once you have your bundle of joy home, those skinny jeans and crop tops might no longer be an option, and that's perfectly OK: You've earned your stripes. "Everything about your body is different," says Dorfman. "Things shift around and redistribute, and with that comes a readjustment to your body image." While you might have to leave your clubwear in the closet for a time while your body readjusts to supporting just one person instead of two, eventually you'll get back to feeling like your old self, only better. "Women are very sensitive to the response of others, and motherhood just exacerbates that," says Dorfman. "She assumes that if she thinks she's unattractive, her partner must think so too when that's not the case at all." The reality: Most men aren't staring at your cellulite and stretch marks when you undress. "Likely, they're just thinking about how amazing it feels to be so close to you," says Chase. Sexiness is a state of mind, and there are a few simple ways-like exercise and listening to music-to get your head back into sexy mode.

Let's Talk About Sex

The most effective way to get more of what you want is by talking about it with your partner. "Open lines of communication about wants and needs in the bedroom are key," says Goldstein. "You talk about money and parenting style, why not sex? Just like anything else, if it's not talked about, the problem will fester and become a bigger and bigger issue in the relationship." You want to role-play? Say so. Thinking about buying a vibrator? Get online and let your partner pick one out with you. Sex is a selfish desire in a lot of ways, but it's a basic human need, says Jennifer Hutt, mother of two, radio show host and co-author of Whateverland: Learning to Live Here . "Like any goal or life choice, if you don't verbalize it, you won't get it," Hutt says.

If talking to your partner about your sexual needs still seems like a stretch, get professional assistance from a third party you trust, like a physician or therapist. "Unwillingness or inability to have a healthy sex life with your partner is like any other health issue," says Goldstein. "If you had a broken leg, you'd go see a doctor. So if our sex lives are broken, we need to get help with that too." It's certainly not going to heal on its own.

Wanna Reconnect?

Three ways to bring sexy back:

Afternoon delight

"Don't leave sex for the end of the day," says sex columnist Kristen Chase. "By the time 8 p.m. rolls around, you've endured a long day and sex just won't happen." Instead of waiting until bedtime, jump on each other instead of jumping on Facebook when baby naps.

Be shut-ins for a night

"Date night is one of the most helpful marriage stabilizers," says Dana Dorfman. "And it doesn't have to break the bank." Instead of hitting the town, stay in. "Exchange babysitting with another couple," she says. "When they take your kids, don't go out. Instead, have 'naked night' in the bedroom, snuggle, watch TV, talk and have a picnic on the bed."

Add to your repertoire

"You've gotta teach yourself some new tricks," says Chase. Whether it's perfecting the art of the quickie or ordering some salacious TV, updating your sexual schematic is essential.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
After a day spent feeding, changing, swaddling and then feeding, changing and swaddling some more, the first thing you want to do when your partner gets home is slip into something sexy and go all Fifty Shades of Grey on each other, right? Probably not.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Alain de Botton: On Love | Sydney Opera House

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
When you're parents: how relationships might change

Most couples experience relationship changes when they become parents.

For many people the birth of a child brings positive changes in their relationship. For example, you and your partner might feel a new and different level of connection. But you might also experience some strains, even if these weren't part of your relationship before becoming parents.

Less sleep, less time to talk, less time to spend together - these things can all take their toll on your relationship while you care for your new baby.

These changes and strains might mean you disagree more often or that things don't quite feel right. Also, you might not have the energy to sort out problems when they arise.

Open communication helps keep things on track and helps you both come to terms with these changes. It can nurture and strengthen a healthy relationship with your partner, as well as with friends and relatives.

Healthy relationships: tips for parents

Listen to each other
Good listening is the most important communication skill you have. It helps you and your partner feel heard, understood and supported.

That's because good listening helps you understand things from your partner's point of view and puts you in touch with your partner's feelings. If you want your partner to listen to you, you need to be prepared to hear issues from your partner's point of view.

You can show you're really listening by stopping what you're doing when your partner wants to talk, and by paying full attention to your partner's words and body language.

It's important to encourage your partner to talk by asking open-ended questions, like 'What do you think about ... '. These questions can encourage more discussion about issues. You can also check whether you've understood by restating your partner's comments in your own words.

And remember - if you're thinking about what to say next, you're not really listening. Instead, try to focus your attention on what your partner is saying. You can even jot down notes if you're concerned you'll forget something important.

Tell your partner how you feel
Your partner isn't a mind reader! When you talk about your frustrations and fears, your happiness and joys, it makes it easier for your partner to know what you're going through.

'I' statements are easier to listen to than 'you' statements, which can seem like criticisms. So when you talk, you could say things like 'I feel a bit lonely when we spend less time together'. This might be better than 'You don't make any time for us anymore'.

It can be hard to slot in discussions between nappy changes - you might find it helps to set aside time to talk.

Accept the changes
You can look at your relationship as being in a new phase, rather than off track. It's good to talk about what the new phase means to you both and how you can manage it.

If you're finding that spending time together is more difficult in this new phase, try a new approach - for example, planning time for the two of you.

Manage conflict
Differences in opinion will come up as you go through changes - talking about these can help you both understand each other's perspective. It's OK to disagree.

It can help to relieve tension if you accept different points of view while explaining your own. You can use the tips on listening, above, to find out what your partner means rather than counter-attacking, which can make things worse.

When you're making decisions together, aim for ones that are OK for both of you - especially decisions about parenting. As parents, it's important to be on the same page, but you might find that agreeing on things like routines, discipline and bedtimes takes some teamwork.

Stay close now you're parents
Simple things like asking your partner about the day ('What was good?', 'What wasn't so good?') can help you keep in touch.

Small gestures that show your partner that you care can also do the trick. This might be just a cup of tea or offering your partner a sleep-in when tiredness sets in.

Make some 'couple' time
Making some time to spend together as a couple can give you both the opportunity to talk, reconnect, enjoy each other's company and nurture your relationship.

When you're ready, you could:

organise a babysitter and go out somewhere you both enjoy during the day or in the evening - it could be for a meal, a walk or a movie

make time to do something special together at home - for example, a special dinner or a DVD after your children have gone to bed

think about what you liked to do before you became parents and work out how you could make it happen again - even if you do it a bit differently now.

If you plan ahead for these activities, they're more likely to happen. It also gives you something to look forward to.

Having a sex life

Believe it or not, most couples do get their sexual relationship back on track eventually. Putting more time into talking and spending time together can make you feel closer, and this helps your sex life.

If you're feeling too tired or too distracted to even think about sex, try talking to your partner about how you feel. Just like time together, sex might also need a bit of scheduling.

You might like to read our article on having sex again for ideas and information about how to re-establish intimacy after your baby arrives.

Taking control of your relationship

You can do this by talking honestly about the changes taking place in your lives. This might mean talking about how you feel about your new roles, and what you see these roles as being.

Having children often brings up issues from your own childhood. Discussing these together can help you both to understand how they might influence what you do and say as parents.

If things are getting tough, it might be worth seeking support. You could speak with your GP, or see government-funded relationship counsellors at organisations like Relationships Australia and LifeWorks.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Healthy relationships: parents & partners | Raising Children Network

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Most couples experience relationship changes when they become parents. For many people the birth of a child brings positive changes in their relationship. For example, you and your partner might feel a new and different level of connection. But you might also experience some strains, even if these weren't part of your relationship before becoming parents.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
When you're parents: how relationships might change

Most couples experience relationship changes when they become parents.

For many people the birth of a child brings positive changes in their relationship. For example, you and your partner might feel a new and different level of connection. But you might also experience some strains, even if these weren't part of your relationship before becoming parents.

Less sleep, less time to talk, less time to spend together - these things can all take their toll on your relationship while you care for your new baby.

These changes and strains might mean you disagree more often or that things don't quite feel right. Also, you might not have the energy to sort out problems when they arise.

Open communication helps keep things on track and helps you both come to terms with these changes. It can nurture and strengthen a healthy relationship with your partner, as well as with friends and relatives.

Healthy relationships: tips for parents

Listen to each other
Good listening is the most important communication skill you have. It helps you and your partner feel heard, understood and supported.

That's because good listening helps you understand things from your partner's point of view and puts you in touch with your partner's feelings. If you want your partner to listen to you, you need to be prepared to hear issues from your partner's point of view.

You can show you're really listening by stopping what you're doing when your partner wants to talk, and by paying full attention to your partner's words and body language.

It's important to encourage your partner to talk by asking open-ended questions, like 'What do you think about ... '. These questions can encourage more discussion about issues. You can also check whether you've understood by restating your partner's comments in your own words.

And remember - if you're thinking about what to say next, you're not really listening. Instead, try to focus your attention on what your partner is saying. You can even jot down notes if you're concerned you'll forget something important.

Tell your partner how you feel
Your partner isn't a mind reader! When you talk about your frustrations and fears, your happiness and joys, it makes it easier for your partner to know what you're going through.

'I' statements are easier to listen to than 'you' statements, which can seem like criticisms. So when you talk, you could say things like 'I feel a bit lonely when we spend less time together'. This might be better than 'You don't make any time for us anymore'.

It can be hard to slot in discussions between nappy changes - you might find it helps to set aside time to talk.

Accept the changes
You can look at your relationship as being in a new phase, rather than off track. It's good to talk about what the new phase means to you both and how you can manage it.

If you're finding that spending time together is more difficult in this new phase, try a new approach - for example, planning time for the two of you.

Manage conflict
Differences in opinion will come up as you go through changes - talking about these can help you both understand each other's perspective. It's OK to disagree.

It can help to relieve tension if you accept different points of view while explaining your own. You can use the tips on listening, above, to find out what your partner means rather than counter-attacking, which can make things worse.

When you're making decisions together, aim for ones that are OK for both of you - especially decisions about parenting. As parents, it's important to be on the same page, but you might find that agreeing on things like routines, discipline and bedtimes takes some teamwork.

Stay close now you're parents
Simple things like asking your partner about the day ('What was good?', 'What wasn't so good?') can help you keep in touch.

Small gestures that show your partner that you care can also do the trick. This might be just a cup of tea or offering your partner a sleep-in when tiredness sets in.

Make some 'couple' time
Making some time to spend together as a couple can give you both the opportunity to talk, reconnect, enjoy each other's company and nurture your relationship.

When you're ready, you could:

organise a babysitter and go out somewhere you both enjoy during the day or in the evening - it could be for a meal, a walk or a movie

make time to do something special together at home - for example, a special dinner or a DVD after your children have gone to bed

think about what you liked to do before you became parents and work out how you could make it happen again - even if you do it a bit differently now.

If you plan ahead for these activities, they're more likely to happen. It also gives you something to look forward to.

Having a sex life

Believe it or not, most couples do get their sexual relationship back on track eventually. Putting more time into talking and spending time together can make you feel closer, and this helps your sex life.

If you're feeling too tired or too distracted to even think about sex, try talking to your partner about how you feel. Just like time together, sex might also need a bit of scheduling.

You might like to read our article on having sex again for ideas and information about how to re-establish intimacy after your baby arrives.

Taking control of your relationship

You can do this by talking honestly about the changes taking place in your lives. This might mean talking about how you feel about your new roles, and what you see these roles as being.

Having children often brings up issues from your own childhood. Discussing these together can help you both to understand how they might influence what you do and say as parents.

If things are getting tough, it might be worth seeking support. You could speak with your GP, or see government-funded relationship counsellors at organisations like Relationships Australia and LifeWorks.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Healthy relationships: parents & partners | Raising Children Network

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Most couples experience relationship changes when they become parents. For many people the birth of a child brings positive changes in their relationship. For example, you and your partner might feel a new and different level of connection. But you might also experience some strains, even if these weren't part of your relationship before becoming parents.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Becoming a parent is one of the most significant life events that fathers and partners will experience, and brings with it a wide range of emotions and feelings as you adjust to the concept and reality of having a new person to care for and a new sense of responsibility.

The range and degree of adjustment will depend on many factors - your own outlook and expectations, your priorities, relationships, financial position and access to support.

Regardless of your situation, becoming a father is likely to encompass highs and lows. There will no doubt be times of great joy, excitement and pride, but there may also be times when you are likely to feel stressed, anxious, overwhelmed and exhausted.

This section of the COPE website outlines some of these adjustments to parenthood for fathers and partners and the potential impacts these can have on you and your lives.

By providing you with important information about what to expect and what others have experienced, you can gain insights and strategies to help you to look after yourself as well as your partner and baby.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Becoming a parent is one of the most significant life events that fathers and partners will experience, and brings with it a wide range of emotions and feelings as you adjust to the concept and reality of having a new person to care for and a new sense of responsibility.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
There are a number of ways of preparing for and managing stress in early parenthood. Below are some strategies that many new mothers and fathers have found helpful when dealing with the struggles and challenges they face, to help with managing stress in early parenthood.

Be aware of your expectations - whilst you may have held perceptions of what parenthood would be like for you - this may not be your current reality. It is likely that many of your perceptions and expectations of parenthood to be a joyful event have been influenced to some degree by marketing, magazine articles, books and talking with friends and/or family about their experiences.

It is very difficult to admit you are not coping when society puts such high expectations on motherhood and that it appears so wonderful.

Like all aspects of becoming a parent, the range of experiences can vary greatly, and sometimes this range is not portrayed, and hence not what we have come to expect. Be open to the range of experiences that are likely to occur, as this is likely to include times of struggle and confusion as you are on a major learning curve. There are likely to be difficult days (more for some than others) and this is normal. You are not the only one who is likely to be struggling with life as a new parent.

Establish genuine support networks - just as what we read and see can influence our perceptions of what parenthood is meant to be like, so too can our interactions with others. The reality is, that often the difficult times are not reported or spoken about openly. This can make you feel at times like you are the only one who is struggling or not coping. This is not the case. You are not alone. Everyone has good days and bad days. It is all part of the journey of parenthood.

Don't forget about your needs - whilst being a parent is about putting the needs of your baby (and often others) first, it is easy to forget about your own needs. You need to look after yourself - after all, it is only by doing this that you can then continue to look after your baby.

Consider exercise as a stress release - exercise is a great way to relieve physical and mental stress. Not only can it help release the positive endorphins, but can relieve muscle tension, give you some time out or a change of scene, and give you the chance to focus on something else.

Don't expect too much of yourself - there will always be more chores that can be done, but at the end of the day, does it really matter if everything is not done and/or not perfect? Take time to savour the good moments. Make time for you. Slow down, rest, relax and take care of yourself.

Make time for you - to do things that you enjoyed before your baby came along, for yourself and with your partner. This will help restore some balance in your life. It can also remind you of the person you are, as well as being a parent.

Remember that tough stages pass - you may go through stages with your baby that are very wearing, and really test your patience. Try to remember - this stage won't last forever and things generally get easier as your baby grows and you grow into the role of a parent too.

Reach out - when things get tough, don't go it alone, reach out. Make contact. A phone call and a chat with someone can help you instantly connect, feel less isolated and possibly provide you with some perspective that you need at the time. Don't be afraid or too proud to ask for help. This can be a tough ride, and others will more than likely appreciate the opportunity to be involved and help out.

Trust yourself - there is no right or wrong way to parent, and there is so much advice out there that it can be confusing, overwhelming and contradictory. Whilst is can be useful to consider the advice of experts, it may not apply in all situations or to all babies, so trust yourself to find your own way. You know your baby and partner better than anyone and can develop and fine tune your own strategies.

Be aware of the influences of others on your feelings - the support and advice of others can be useful, but sometimes can undermine our confidence. Be aware of those around you who may be critical or seem competitive. Feeling that you need to 'keep up' or hide what is really going on for you does not help anyone.

There is too much pressure on mothers to get it all right and to be in control/know what they are doing, look good etc.

By being open and honest with other sincere parents that you trust will give everyone the opportunity to build strong and genuine supports which are likely to last for many years to come.

Stop comparing - yourself with others. Everyone's situation is unique and not comparable. This is not a competition. There are no winners. Back yourself.

Avoid using drugs or alcohol to relax - often people find that having a drink or two can help them to relax and unwind. For many, this marks a time when you can take some time for yourself - which you may certainly look forward to particularly when your day has been all about looking after the needs of others. It is important be be aware of your reasons for drinking, and if you may be becoming reliant on alcohol or drugs to relax or change the way that you feel. It is also important for mothers to be awards of the fact that alcohol is when breastfeeding, as this does pass through to your infant. Finally, alcohol or drugs can affect your ability to safely care for your baby or other children, so it is important to ensure you manage your intake responsibly.

When things reach breaking point - place your baby somewhere safe (for example, in their cot) and take a few minutes for yourself. Deep breathing, music or talking to someone can reduce heightened levels of stress. It is normal for parents to feel like this at challenging times. Take the time for yourself to regroup, and remember that this will pass.

Be aware of how much and how long you have felt under stress - there are always going to be times when we feel under stress, but if this feeling becomes constant and ongoing as opposed to lasting for short periods of time, it could become distress and increase your risk of developing postnatal depression, anxiety or other mental health problems.

I always liked being in control and being strong. I didn't feel in control after having the baby and didn't like admitting, even to myself that I was having trouble coping. I had a few other stressors at the time and I always felt that they were the true cause of my depression.

It's a good idea to be aware of these conditions and what the symptoms are so that you can identify these conditions early, and seek timely and appropriate help.
Managing stress - information for dads

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
There are a number of ways of preparing for and managing stress in early parenthood. Below are some strategies that many new mothers and fathers have found helpful when dealing with the struggles and challenges they face, to help with managing stress in early parenthood.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
This and related statements - like "I didn't tell you because I didn't want to upset you" - may sound good on the surface, perhaps even nobly intentioned, but are usually little more than denial in caring's clothing, whether consciously or unconsciously animated. They generally are not really intended to spare our partner pain, but rather to keep us as far as possible from our own pain or discomfort, including that of directly facing - that is, confronting - what we are actually doing.
How ironic it is that our supposed effort - however nicely dressed or apparently considerate - not to hurt our partner actually hurts them, sooner or later, more than direct disclosure. In our stated intention not to confront them because we don't want to hurt them, we sound - or at least want to sound - as if we are there for them and are being considerate, but in reality we likely are not.

Instead of being straightforwardly transparent in front of our partner - upfront - we are elsewhere, desperately trying not to rock the boat, facing not our partner, but something less challenging (like being resolutely nice).

If we are afraid to confront our intimate other - assuming of course that it is not dangerous to do so - then we need to confront and learn to make good use of that fear, through our own efforts and/or in caring conjunction with our partner, or through professional help. Relationships devoid of confronting are relationships that are flat or stale, relationships that are more about surviving than thriving, caught up in a numbing by niceness, a deadening that rejects the depths and invests far too much in the shallows.

Just as avoiding death deadens us, so too does avoiding confrontation. Confrontation does not have to be hell! It can be life-enhancing challenge, compassionate combat, intimacy-deepening fieriness, as vulnerable as it is intense. Confrontation can be love. Bypassing it only deepens and reinforces our suffering.
2. I can't live without you.

This is not the voice of love, however romantically framed it might be! Desperation is not love, anymore than addiction is. "I can't live without you" is the cry of a victim, whether that victim is a beginner or not, a cry that, however unwittingly, is infused with manipulation. As such, it is but emotional blackmail in need's clothing.

"I can't live without you" is not a proclamation of love, but of a lazy incompleteness - and I say "lazy" because the one stating "I can't live without you" is wanting (and perhaps also expecting) you to complete them, to make them feel better or more whole, instead of actually doing the work of accessing happiness or wholeness themselves.

We can only enter into truly intimate relationship when we already are fully functioning without having - or needing to have - such a relationship; yes, we'd love to have it, but we'll still keep on living, and living well, without it. No desperation, no neurotic dependency on another, no looking outside ourselves for wholeness - such are some of the ingredients for real intimacy.

When you encounter another saying "I can't live without you," fierce compassion - emanating not only care for that person, but also a fittingly firm no to his or her behavior - is the primary remedy. Anything less will drain you. The neediness at the core of "I can't live without you" asks not for indulgence, repression, or shaming, but for a compassionate exposure and healthy redirection.

It is very important that we go into relationship not to be made complete or whole, but rather to share, expand, and deepen our already-established - and ever-evolving - sense of completeness or wholeness. Then we don't burden relationship with the obligation to make us feel better or more whole or more secure, but instead allow it to be an expression and furthering of our already-present connection with each other.
3. Making nice makes things better.

"Making nice" simply keeps what is not working in a relationship from any telling intervention.

Instead of trying to keep things nice, be authentic. Being authentic can mean being soft and gentle, and it can also mean being firm and fiery. Making nice doesn't make waves, leaving a relationship afloat atop a stagnant sea. Making nice at best keeps things as they are, but mostly only makes things worse, by not allowing them their needed illumination and deepening.
4. I'm doing the best I can.

This is perhaps the most popular excuse of all, making a mockery of accountability. Most who believe it also usually believe it of everyone. The notion that we are doing the best we can lets everyone off the hook, including us - for then we don't have to ruffle any feathers, raise any hackles, kick up a storm, make a fuss, or otherwise confront anybody. Such a belief robs us of autonomy and accountability, implying as it does that we don't really have a choice as to what we do.

If we view others just as products of their conditioning, then how can we hold them responsible for what they did? After all, they couldn't help it - or could they? There's also a fear of actually recognizing that they did make a choice when, for example, they hurt us, for if we do see this, then what are we going to do? Can we then remain muted children in adult bodies? To move beyond such adult-erated stances, we have to stop hiding behind facile phrases like "I'm doing the best I can" or "Everyone makes mistakes" or "I'm just human." Such alibis set the bar very low.

When you are being unkind to your partner, and know that you are doing so, are you really doing your best? And what about when "doing our best" is simply not good enough? For example, if doing my best means that I'm remaining a drug addict and am refusing to get any treatment, then what? "I'm doing the best I can" strands us in the domain of blind compassion (neurotically tolerant, confrontation-phobic, undiscriminating "caring"), framing us as victims and enabling us to stay that way. Such "compassion" diminishes and disempowers us, whereas real compassion empowers us to take the necessary action, however painful that might be.
5. I didn't mean to hurt you.

But you did! Yes, but I didn't mean to! This claim may be accompanied by supportive claims, like "I don't know what got into me" or "I wasn't myself" or "You know I'd never hurt you." Explanation and excuse indiscriminately mix here, muddying what little clarity is present. If I didn't mean to hurt you, what exactly did I mean when I hurt you? And when I hurt you, was I really doing the best I could? So, so much of this is entangled with unacknowledged shame regarding our failure to treat the other well.

To untangle the claim that "I didn't mean to hurt you," to get to its roots, we not only need to expose and illuminate our shame over the hurt we caused, but also need to separate and clearly see the various threads of self which are implicated in our hurtful behavior. That in me which hurt you and that in me which is incapable of hurting you are both inclined to refer to themselves as "I" - while what I truly am is limited to neither, and in fact includes both.

Yes, I am more than the "I" that hurt you, and more than the "I" that insists on not having meant to hurt you, but I am nevertheless responsible for what I allow those aspects of myself to do. When they assume the role of self - that is, when I identify with them - who else is responsible for that, besides me?

Even if I don't notice I've identified with a certain aspect or fragment of myself, I am responsible for my lack of awareness, just as a drunk driver is responsible, and is held responsible, for the person he hits and kills, however unaware he was of that person crossing his automotive path.

So when I hurt you and say I didn't mean to, I'm just passing the buck, disowning the me who did the hurting. My assignment here is blow the whistle on myself for my irresponsibility and denial, and to nondefensively receive your refusal to buy my denial - which of course undams my shame over what I've done, so that healing can occur.
6. An emotional affair is not really cheating.

Yes it is! If you "need" to get your deepest emotional needs met by going behind your partner's back, you are cheating on him or her, even if you don't exchange any sexual energy with your substitute partner. If you are having trouble with your partner, and you get into an emotional affair (which easily can shift into a full-blown sexual affair), you simply are betraying your partner, if only through eroding whatever trust has been established between you.

Why not instead directly address (rather than distracting yourself from) the trouble - emotional, sexual, or whatever - that you're having with your partner, and really get into some quality couples therapy? This might not be as juicy, exciting, and charged up (erotically or otherwise) as having an emotional affair, but it is far more effective and growthful, drawing us into integrity rather than away from it.

When you are with someone other than your partner, ask yourself if you'd be fine with your partner seeing exactly what you are doing at such times; if the answer is no, you are likely engaging in behavior that is as low in integrity as it is high in pleasurable exchange.

The energy you might invest in an affair, emotional or otherwise, is the very energy you need to put into directly and openly addressing what isn't working in your relationship.
7. Sex is supposed to make me feel better.

If we believe this - as all too many do - we easily can get quite driven about having it regularly. But why should sex have to make us feel better? What if we came to sex already happy, already relaxed, already open and loving and energized, instead of expecting sex to produce all this for us? We need to stop assigning our sexuality to slave labor in the sweatshops of our neuroses and unaddressed needs! If we, for example, are tense or anxious or insecure, why should sex have to be an outlet for our tension or anxiety or insecurity?

Only when we release sex - and everything else! - from the obligation to make us feel better, will we start to feel truly better.
8. I'll try.

Try to pick up the mouse or pen or any small object near you. If you actually picked it up, put it back down, for I didn't say to pick it up but only to try to pick it up.

Trying carries within itself a counter-effort (usually in the form of inertia, self-braking, or self-sabotage) that ordinarily goes mostly unnoticed or unacknowledged. That is, trying is far from a wholehearted undertaking - it is inherently partial, emanating from only part of us, rather than from our innate wholeness of being.

Trying could be said to be a kind of lying. It means well, and may even believe its own hype and promises, but almost always falls short of its intended actions, simply because too much of us is simply not aligned with our trying's stated intention. Trying is big on talk and small on action - and how could it be otherwise, given how divided and half-hearted it is?

When you find yourself saying, "I'll try," probe deeper until your resistance to doing what you say you'll try to do surfaces. The energy locked into this resistance is the energy required to do what really needs to be done. And how to unlock it? Cultivate intimacy with it.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
This and related statements - like "I didn't tell you because I didn't want to upset you" - may sound good on the surface, perhaps even nobly intentioned, but are usually little more than denial in caring's clothing, whether consciously or unconsciously animated.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Hollywood has dramatically distorted our notions of romance and confused us entirely about what makes passion burn. While watching Ryan Gosling pour his heart out in "The Notebook" may make your heart pound, real-life romance is fueled by the ways in which you interact with each other in the little moments that make up your day. It is kept alive through a joined effort to stay connected. It is created each time you let your partner know that he or she is valued and loved by you.

Romance does not have to grow in a boat carrying Ryan Gosling through tumbling waves and sea spray. It can also grow in a supermarket. It grows when Becky asks, " Are we out of bleach?" and instead of shrugging, her husband says, " I don't know. Let me go get some just in case!" It grows when Eric wakes up in the morning to say, " I had the worst nightmare last night," and his girlfriend responds, " I'm sorry honey - I've got to run to work, but tell me a little bit about it now so we can talk about it more this evening!" instead of "I don't have time, I have to go. " In one case, the partners respond to a bid with "turning towards," and in the other, they "turn away" - a choice that sends their mate a message about whether or not they are attentive, caring, supportive. These everyday moments can either be a source of stability or a source of stress.

In relationships, these seemingly unimportant moments are the ones which are most important of all. They force you to make a quick decision, often entirely unaware that it may play a role in determining the strength or weakness of your emotional connection! If you don't pay attention to these little moments, your failures to turn towards each other build up, and you risk undermining the strength of your bond. Luckily, our research provides a strategy to avoid putting your relationship in jeopardy.

We have discovered (from the research study discussed on Wednesday) that a major indicator of a couple's overall happiness is what we've come to call their Emotional Bank Account. Partners who characteristically turn towards each other rather than away are putting money in the bank. They are building up emotional savings that can give them a sense of peace and security when they go through hard times. Because they have stored up so much mutual goodwill, they are better able to make allowances for each other when conflicts arise.

Though it is challenging to always notice when your partner does turn towards you, out research has shown that taking the time to see the benefits of your work will pay off. In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. Gottman describes a study in which couples were observed at home, noting that "happily married couples noticed almost all of the positive things the researchers observed their partners do for them...unhappily married couples underestimated their partners' loving intentions by 50 percent!"

If you regularly contribute to your Emotional Bank Account, you and your partner will both understand each other's intentions much better when conflict arises! Rather than interpreting each other's words as intentionally aggressive or negative, even when they are not meant that way, you will hear each other's message loud and clear: Though at the moment you may be arguing, you both know that you love each other, and that this momentary conflict is much, much less important to each of you than your relationship.

Here's Dr. Gottman on building an Emotional Bank Account:

In Monday's posting, we will continue The Research series by offering an in-depth analysis of a groundbreaking research study on divorce prediction performed by Dr. John Gottman.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Apply The Research: Building Your Emotional Bank Account

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Hollywood has dramatically distorted our notions of romance and confused us entirely about what makes passion burn. While watching Ryan Gosling pour his heart out in "The Notebook" may make your heart pound, real-life romance is fueled by the ways in which you interact with each other in the little moments that make up your day.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Couples 911 - Move from What Happened to What Matters!

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Fighting in Front of Your Kids and Why You Need to Stop

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
5 tips for ending arguments.As I've gotten older the finely etched memories of my childhood have become like frayed pieces of paper -- I can still recall them -- but they're no longer as crisp and coherent as they once were. And yet the memories I have of my parents ...

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Celeste Headlee: 10 ways to have a better conversation | TED Talk

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
When your job hinges on how well you talk to people, you learn a lot about how to have conversations -- and that most of us don’t converse very well. Celeste Headlee has worked as a radio host for decades, and she knows the ingredients of a great conversation: Honesty, brevity, clarity and a healthy amount of listening. In this insightful talk, she shares 10 useful rules for having better conversations. “Go out, talk to people, listen to people,” she says. “And, most importantly, be prepared to be amazed.”

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Wise Heart - how it works, communicate, relationship, compassion, intimacy

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Top 4 reasons couples argue after having a baby | Relate

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
It’s very common for couples to argue more after the arrival of a new baby. Research shows that first-time parents argue on average 40% more after their child is born. It’s no surprise, really: you’re under more pressure, have less free time and are getting less sleep than usual. The occasional disa…

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
The Four-Part Nonviolent Communication Process

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Express and receive communication empathically using the four-part Nonviolent Communication process developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
In his book The Intentional Family, Bill Dougherty discusses "rituals of connection" as an important tool for successful relationships. A ritual of connection is a way of regularly turning towards your partner that can be counted on.

Erica and Rob, both in their late forties, have been happily married for ten years and are raising three children. When I asked Rob about the rituals in their marriage, he reflects:

We hug every day when I get home because physical touch is one of my Love Languages. Erica is not as affectionate as I am, but she's up for it because she know's how important it is to me.

Couples with relationships rich in rituals and traditions are able to create shared meaning, the top level of the Sound Relationship House.

Daily rituals shape our lives in positive ways

In The Power of Habit, author Charles Duhigg explains that habits are crucial to success in all realms of our life. Overall, they make us more productive and healthier. In a relationship, Dr. Gottman calls these habits rituals of connection.

Here are five rituals to help your relationship thrive.

1. Eat meals together without screens
It may not be possible to do this for every meal, but whenever possible, turn off the TV and put away your cell phone. Your emails and Facebook feed can wait.

2. Have a stress-reducing conversation
Spend 30 minutes each day having a "how was your day, dear?" talk. Kyle Benson explains that the purpose of this conversation is to discuss external stress. It's not a time to bring up issues about your relationship. Couples who actively listen, take turns sharing how they feel, and show compassion to each other will reap the rewards of more emotional connection in their marriage.

3. Take a vacation
Take an annual vacation without the kids to somewhere you both agree upon. Drs. John and Julie Gottman have an annual honeymoon in the San Juan Islands off the coast of British Columbia. If your budget doesn't allow you to take a vacation, you might try camping or looking for moderately priced accommodations nearby for a long weekend.

4. Exercise together
Go biking together every Saturday morning or take a daily post-dinner walk with your partner. Add a little novelty and excitement by trying kayaking in the summer or cross country skiing in the winter months. Studies show that sharing an exciting experience can bring couples closer together.

5. Share a six-second kiss
A daily six-second kiss will increase your emotional and physical intimacy. According to author Dr. Kory Floyd, physical contact releases oxytocin (the bonding hormone), can improve our mood (for days), and can help you stay calm. Holding hands, hugging, touching, and making out can reduce your stress hormones (cortisol) and increase your sense of relationship satisfaction. If kissing for six seconds feels like too much, share a hug like Erica and Rob.

Never underestimate the power of intentional time with your partner. Doing fun things together like singing in the shower or riding a bike can bring joy and laughter. Telling jokes, watching funny movies, or anything else that brings you both pleasure can ignite passion and keep you connected.

Dr. John Gottman suggests that couples commit to a magic six hours a week together, which includes rituals for saying goodbye in the morning and reuniting at the end of the day. Sticking to these rituals will help you to reconnect when life gets in the way.

The Marriage Minute is a new email newsletter from The Gottman Institute that will improve your marriage in 60 seconds or less. Over 40 years of research with thousands of couples has proven a simple fact: small things often can create big changes over time. Got a minute? Sign up below.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
5 Rituals to Reconnect in Your Relationship

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
In his book The Intentional Family , Bill Dougherty discusses "rituals of connection" as an important tool for successful relationships. A ritual of connection is a way of regularly turning towards your partner that can be counted on. Erica and Rob, both in their late forties, have been happily married for ten years and are raising three children.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Online Parenting Plan | Splitting Up? Put Kids First

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Bringing up children involves lots of joint decisions. If you don't live together, it is harder to make these decisions as you go along. A Parenting Plan is a written or online agreement between parents. It helps you record how you will share the care of your child now and in the future.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
The Marriage Minute is the email newsletter from The Gottman Institute that will improve your marriage in 60 seconds or less. Over 40 years of research with thousands of couples has proven a simple fact: small things often can create big changes over time.

What makes the Marriage Minute different?

It's a resource of tools, articles, videos, exercises, and more, all founded on Drs. John and Julie Gottman's four decades of research and clinical experience, delivered straight to your inbox.

The best part about it? It's free.

Our goal is to teach you one thing each day that will deepen your friendship, allow you to use conflict as a catalyst for closeness, and enhance the romance in your marriage.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Marriage Minute - Couples | The Gottman Institute

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
The Marriage Minute is the email newsletter from The Gottman Institute with free tools, articles, and exercises that will improve your marriage in 60 seconds or less. Over 40 years of research with thousands of couples has proven a simple fact: small things often can create big changes over time.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Triple P courses and talks run throughout the city. This service is available to parents with children living in Brighton and Hove.

The courses and talks are is suitable for parents with children who are aged between 18 months and 18 years old.

Introduction workshop for all parents who would like to go on a Triple P course

Before you start a Triple P course we ask that you attend an introduction workshop.

This is an opportunity for you to get a taster of the eight week courses and two hour workshops.

The workshop will take 2 hours and includes:

an outline of the structure and content of the courses

DVD clips that explain the positive parenting principles, the causes of problem behaviour and parent's experiences of the programme.

We'll also ask you to complete a questionnaire to help us identify which course or workshop would be most appropriate for you.

To book a place on one of these workshops please email triplep.parenting@brighton-hove.gov.uk or call 01273 294471 or book a place through Eventbrite.

Saturday 24 November

10-12 noon at Tarner Children's Centre. Book a place through Eventbrite

Wednesday 28 November

6.30 - 8.30pm at Tarner Children's Centre. Book a place through Eventbrite

Tuesday 4 December

10 - 12 noon at Brighton Town Hall. Book a place through Eventbrite

Triple P courses and talks

If there isn't a course on these pages that is suitable, don't worry, new courses start at the beginning of each school term. Keep an eye on these pages for new groups, or you can follow our Facebook page for regular updates.

If you're not sure about parenting courses find out more information about Triple P and what is available in Brighton & Hove.

Contact us

If you have any further questions about Triple p courses and talks in Brighton & Hove, or you can't find what you're looking for please email the Parenting Team on triplep.parenting@brighton-hove.gov.uk or call 01273 294471.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Triple P courses and talks run throughout the city. This service is available to parents with children living in Brighton and Hove. The courses and talks are is suitable for parents with children who are aged between 18 months and 18 years old.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
tavistock centre for couple relationships

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Parental Conflict and the Effects of this on Children's Development - Tavistock Relationships

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Tavistock Relationships offer word class professional certificates, CPDs, masters course and doctorate degree in couple counselling and psychotherapy in London.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Every relationship has its own unique culture, according to David and Constantino Khalif, authors of the upcoming book " Modern Kinship: A Queer Guide to Christian Marriage."

For example, some couples are loud and boisterous, while others are quiet homebodies who like structure in their relationships, the men explain.

"Every couple seems to operate along its own set of rules and along it's own internal beliefs and tenants," David Khalif told NBC News BETTER. "And that got us thinking about, well, how can we be more intentional about the culture we set for our own relationships?"

The Portland, Oregon couple created what they call a "culture covenant." The covenant is a document where they lay out a written list of their shared values.

"We already had a culture in our relationship, but we thought, 'Can we actually spell that out? Can we actually name what those things are and see if we actually agree with them? Or see if there are things about the culture of our relationship that we actually like and want to change," David says.

The men say the covenant allows them to be intentional about having shared meaning, which helps guide their relationship through the ups and downs of marriage.

They say any couple can do it. Here's how.

Sit down together and discuss the culture of your relationship

Shortly after the couple got married in 2016, they sat down and created covenant over a few glasses of wine.

"We sat down and said, 'What do we do that we appreciate about our relationship and want to keep?'" David recalls.

The men say their covenant focuses on both practical and aspirational values.

For example, the men say it was important for them to be able to be vulnerable and share their feelings - so they added that to the top of the list.

"We grew up in a culture where men aren't always invited to share their feelings and be in touch with their feelings," says David, "and for us it was important to name that as a value in our relationship, and for us it was important to welcome feelings."

The couple also focused on values that would help them navigate conflict. They say values like "No one gets the final say all the time" and " We do not shout or curse at each other " help guide them through stressful times.

"It kind of functions in our lives as we have discussions about decisions that we have to make or ways that we treat each other or how we use our time or our finances," says David. "We can fall back on that culture covenant and say, 'Hey, is that in line with who we want to be and who we've said we are and how we said that we operate?"

"If we feel like we're getting close to that point," adds Constantino, "we would say that's not who we are. We don't do this. So maybe we should take a break now and sleep on it."

Here's the full list they came up with:

We value vulnerability. It's okay to express the full range of emotions.

We help each other laugh at least once a day. And we help each other cry-if it seems we're bottling something up-as needed.

We acknowledge that personal growth means change, and we never want to stop getting to know each other.

We want to serve others. We pour into our relationship so that we have the energy to pour out.

We yield to each other. No one gets the final say all the time.

We value time, touch, and talk: the three T's that are the magic recipe for creating intimacy.

We do not shout or curse at each other. If we get close to doing either, we take a break, make amends, and start over.

We are a team, so we always take each other's side and always have each other's back.

We show physical affection. We kiss every time we leave and greet each other because even small expressions of love are a reminder of our exclusive and special form of kinship.

Take a reality check

The men say it's important couples are open with each other when discussing their covenants. Talk about the culture of your relationship. What are the things you like about it? What are the things you wish to change?

Talking about these things will help you create a list of shared values you both agree to, according to the couple.

The first step, says Constantino, is to be truthful.

"Take a hard look at reality and say 'Who are we as individuals? How do we function? How do we work as a couple?'" he says.

According to David, it's important to map out what works best for your relationship, how you and your partner operate, how you navigate conflict, and how you spend your money and your time.

"All of those things can vary greatly from couple to couple," David says, "and there's not a right way to do it."

Allow your covenant to evolve

The couple say their covenant is a living document that they can change and add to as their relationship grows. They keep it in a shared Google document so they can both access it easily, but also plan to frame it and hang it on their living room wall.

"It's just keeping those conversations about who we are and who we want to be, where are we going, at the center," says Constantino. "I think that's the most value we found in it."

For David, the culture covenant "is a way to do a regular checkup on our relationship just in the same way we have regular physicals for our bodies."

"We can regularly take a look at our culture covenant and say, 'Hey, is this consistent with how we're living life right now? Do we feel like we're on track with the values that we set for our relationship, or do we feel like we're drifting?"

If they feel like they are drifting, he says, they can always make adjustments.

"A culture covenant isn't a document to force anyone into a particular way of living," explains David, "but it's simply a way to be consistently intentional about how you do a relationship."

How to create a culture covenant

Define the culture of your relationship: Ask yourselves what you like and what you want to change. Focus on practical and aspirational values, especially values that will help you navigate conflict.

Be real: Be honest and open about who you are both as individuals and as a couple, and about what you want.

Be flexible: Your covenant should evolve alongside your relationship as you grow together. You can keep it in a Google document that you both have access to. You can also frame it and hang it in your home where it can serve as a daily reminder of those values.

MORE RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Want more tips like these? NBC News BETTER is obsessed with finding easier, healthier and smarter ways to live. Sign up for our newsletter and follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
How these newlyweds created a 'culture covenant' to get through tough times

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Every relationship has its own unique culture, according to David and Constantino Khalif, authors of the upcoming book " Modern Kinship: A Queer Guide to Christian Marriage." For example, some couples are loud and boisterous, while others are quiet homebodies who like structure in their relationships, the men explain.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Yes, you can have a successful divorce, says relationship therapist Esther Perel. The first step? Writing goodbye letters to each other.

Our culture views divorce as a failure, and even more so when it is precipitated by an infidelity. Longevity is seen as the ultimate indicator of marital achievement, but plenty of people who stayed "till death do us part" have been miserable. When a relationship has run its course, I try - when I can - to help it end with dignity and integrity. I see no contradiction in asking a couple about the success of their breakup.

Take Clive and Jade. I first met them as newlyweds twenty-two years ago, when I led a workshop for mixed-race couples. They were carefree, full of promise. Two decades, three kids, and one affair later, their marriage was on its last legs, and they came to me for help. Clive had recently come clean about his secret relationship with Kyra. He felt terribly guilty but had resolved to move on and make a life with his new love. Jade was desperate, fighting to hold on to him. I remember her hanging on to every word, gesture and smile from Clive, but all of it was in vain.

Just as we have marriage ceremonies to mark the beginning of a union, we also need rituals to mark the end.

I felt it was my responsibility to decrypt the message that was right in front of us: "Jade, he's not coming back. Your sadness makes him feel guilty, and that guilt instantly morphs into anger at you for making him feel bad that he's making you feel bad. He may not be gone, but he's not here, either."

And I told Clive, "You keep waiting till you can leave without guilt, and that's never going to happen. It's time to set her free." He vacillated between being paralyzed and wanting to run as fast as he could, for fear that if he didn't bolt, he'd get stuck again. I thought they needed to take the time to say a proper goodbye, so I suggested a separation ceremony.

Just as we have marriage ceremonies to mark the beginning of a union, we also need rituals to mark the end. A marriage is the nexus of an entire life - history, memories, habits, experiences, children, friends, family, celebrations, losses, homes, trips, holidays, treasures, jokes, pictures. Why throw all of this out and treat the relationship, in the poetic words of Marguerite Yourcenar, like "an abandoned cemetery where lie, unsung and unhonored, the dead whom they have ceased to cherish"?

Rituals facilitate transitions. They also honor what was. Clive and Jade once exchanged vows; now they are tearing them up. But just because he fell in love with another woman doesn't mean their entire past together was a fraud. Such a summation is cruel and shortsighted. The legacy of two decades of a shared life is larger than the legacy of the affair.

Ending a marriage goes beyond the signing of divorce papers. And divorce is not the end of a family; it's a reorganization.

When a couple arrives at the finishing line, drained after two years of back and forth - his confusion, her false hopes, his guilt about leaving, her holding on - it's easy to undervalue what they're leaving behind. The purpose of the ceremony was to not let Clive's affair eclipse all the positive aspects of their otherwise good marriage.

Sometimes, departing spouses are reluctant to shift their focus to the good things in their relationship because they are afraid it will take the wind out of their sails. It's as if they feel the need to trash what they had, in order to justify leaving. What they don't realize is that by doing so, they simultaneously degrade their own past and all the people they shared it with - leaving a trail of angry children, parents, friends, and exes.

We need a concept of a terminated marriage that doesn't damn it - one that helps to create emotional coherence and narrative continuity. Ending a marriage goes beyond the signing of divorce papers. And divorce is not the end of a family; it's a reorganization.

This kind of ritual has caught the public imagination in recent years, dubbed "conscious uncoupling" by author Katherine Woodward Thomas. I invite couples to write goodbye letters to each other: letters that capture what they'll miss, what they cherish, what they take responsibility for, and what they wish for each other. This allows them to honor the riches of their relationship, to mourn the pain of its loss and to mark its legacy. Even if it is done with a cooled heart, it can nonetheless provide solace.

When she finished reading her letter, we were all in tears.

When Clive and Jade came in for the following session, they had their letters on their iPhones. One click and the reading began. Entitled "What I'll Miss," Jade's letter was a ten-page list, divided into categories, wistfully evoking the multilayered tapestry of their history. Their personal sayings - Hola, chickly . . . Dame un beso . . . the baaaaaby. The early days - love notes, mixtapes, salsa and more salsa, dog parks, parking meters, the opera. The food they loved. Their friends. The places that held meaning for them, from Martha's Vineyard to Paris to the Cornelia Street Café to apartment 5C. Their "sexy spots." Their "firsts" . . .

No one else will ever share the particular meanings these everyday things hold for them. She listed the connections she'd miss: "feeling protected, safe, beautiful, loved." Her final category was simply "You": "Your scent. Your smile. Your enthusiasm. Your ideas. Your hugs. Your big strong hands. Your balding head. Your dreams. You, next to me."

When she finished reading, we were all in tears and there was no need to trample the tenderness with any extraneous verbiage. But it is important for the scribe to hear her own words read back to her, so I asked Clive to do so. Then he read his own pages.

Hers was a love letter; his, a diplomatic farewell, thanking her profusely for the life they had shared, expressing regret for having fallen short and assuring her that he would always treasure their bond. He was kind and caring, but his tone was purely formal. His opening and closing sentences say as much: "Thank you for being an amazing person and a truly wonderful force in my life over the past twenty-two years" . . . "I want you to know that despite its outcome, I see the good in our marriage, and will always cherish it and hold it deeply within my heart."

This cathartic closure proved to be the right ritual for this couple. But sadly, many pairs spew out a long list of curses rather than a list of sweet memories.

A year later, when I follow up with Jade, she emphasizes how the ritual of uncoupling helped her to see the writing on the wall. "At first I thought it was a little New Age-y, but I was also proud to be doing it and even shared it with some friends. We were doing something right, despite all the wrong that had come before. I often wondered, How is he going to leave? Is he just one day going to wake up, say, 'Okay, bye,' and walk out the door? The separation ceremony put an end to my ruminations. I desperately needed a way to help me accept that he loved another woman and it was really over."

Some affairs are temporary side stories; others are the beginnings of a new life. Clive's was the latter, and no amount of waiting on Jade's part would have changed that. The tone of his letter made that all too clear to her. "It wasn't a 'what I'll miss' letter," she says. "It was a 'we are over' letter. He said some nice things, but this was definitely a man no longer in love. It struck me right then and there that while I was still suffering, still very much in love, he was gone. It hurt, more than you know, but it opened my eyes."

Next, I caught up with Clive, who remembered the ceremony as "emotional and effective." Guilt was turned into gratitude, denial replaced by memory. Gradually, he was able to simultaneously hold his attachment to Jade and his children and the calling of a new life with Kyra. "Until that moment, it hadn't felt real. The symbolism gave it a seal of finality."

This cathartic closure proved to be the right ritual for this couple. But sadly, many pairs spew out a long list of curses rather than a list of sweet memories. Wherever I can, I try to help people create narratives that are empowering rather than victimizing. It doesn't always involve forgiveness, it makes room for anger, but hopefully it is an anger that mobilizes rather than keeps them trapped in bitterness. We need to go on with life - to hope again, love again and trust again.

Excerpted from the new book T he State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel. Published by Harper, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers. Copyright © 2017 Esther Perel.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Ending a marriage, with grace and respect

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Our culture views divorce as a failure, and even more so when it is precipitated by an infidelity. Longevity is seen as the ultimate indicator of marital achievement, but plenty of people who stayed "till death do us part" have been miserable.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Most moms have a lot of emotions about returning to work after having a baby-some of them conflicting. You may feel sad to leave your baby. You may feel relief to let professionals be in charge of baby care while you return to a job you have some idea how to do. (And then you may feel guilt over that relief!) You might be anxious about leaving your child in the care of someone else. Maybe you're angry that your workplace doesn't offer more (or any) maternity leave.

Whatever you are feeling makes total sense. This is a big transition and the research shows that-for many women-the return to work happens sooner than they are ready and is harder than they expect. But there are concrete things you can do to help you adjust to your new normal.

Hash out the logistics.

Just getting to work is going to involve a whole new routine that may require packing baby bags or leaving sets of directions, working in a last feed, possibly schlepping a breast pump or even a baby if your child will be attending daycare near your work. Lori Mihalich-Levin, author of Back to Work After Baby: How to Plan and Navigate a Mindful Return from Maternity Leave, recommends brainstorming how the mornings and the evenings will work and coming up with a starter plan. Yes, you will learn things right away and over time that will alter it, but it can make you feel more at ease to have a preliminary routine in place.

Lauren Smith Brody, author of The Fifth Trimester: The Working Mom's Guide to Style, Sanity, and Big Success After Baby-who returned to her job as an editor at Glamour magazine after her first son was born-recommends bringing your baby to work before you return. Doing so enables you to blend your worlds a little and makes your new reality visible to your coworkers. Plus, babies are made to attract people, so it's likely he will soon have a fan club around him and you'll build in some goodwill by introducing your son to even your most taciturn colleagues. And, you'll get to show your child where you will be spending your time and explain why. Of course, he won't understand, but you will, and that's what matters.

Whatever morning routine you come up with, try it out before you have to be at work. This enables you to ease into your childcare arrangement, practice the routine to see what works and tweak it, and, then-bonus!-you can go have a few hours by yourself to get a haircut or whatever else will help you feel good about entering the world of no pajamas and daily showers.

That first week back is going to be exhausting. Start back on a Thursday if you can swing it. You will be that much closer to a weekend where you can rest and think about what worked in those first two days and what to tweak before your first full week.

If you can, use a little bit of your leave to have a few days off in the first weeks back, consider a part-time schedule that enables you to get used to being away from your baby and to your new routine. For instance, Brody suggests thinking about cutting your leave short by a week and then taking those five days and using them to be at home for the first five Fridays of your return.

After my first daughter was born, my work was willing to let me work from home one day a week, which not only made the transition easier but helped me keep my milk supply up, since I had three days of breastfeeding and four days of pumping.

"If you ask to work from home, come up with a plan of how it will work," advises Brody. "Show how you will meet your deliverables, make it clear that you will have childcare in place when you are at home, and include a date to reassess the arrangement. It will help your boss feel more comfortable if he or she doesn't think it is forever." Of course, if it's going well . . .

"When I was on leave, I had great support through my local yoga studio, prenatal classes, and moms' groups," says Mihalich-Levin, "but they were not necessarily working moms." When Mihalich-Levin went back to work, she found there were a lot of working moms in the office, none of whom were talking about it. So, she created what she calls her "working moms' posse," inviting them to lunch once a month and creating an online discussion forum for them to share their experiences, concerns, and advice. "It really changed the connectedness of the parents where I work," says Mihalich-Levin.

Check to see if your office already has something like this, and, if not, consider starting a group. Or, if that seems like too much right now, just invite one or more working moms out to lunch or take a coffee break with them in your first week back and ask them how they made the transition. You can build from there.

Every woman Brody interviewed for her book-"no matter her career or level of ambition-said that she had a moment of feeling like she 'had to quit,'" says Brody. "Some women felt that way for months. Others might have just had one really bad morning when it all came to a head."

For many moms, quitting is not an option. And for those who can make a change, those early months of working-mom adjustment are not the best time to make that decision, says Brody. Most of the women felt the compulsion to quit when they were still in a developmental transition-what Brody calls the fifth trimester-and hadn't yet made it to the other side to make a more settled and informed choice.

Looking at research on endurance, Brody found a few ways to work through those initial moments when you feel like leaving your job is the only solution (even if it's not an option):

* Realize the transition you are going through is finite.
* Make a list of what you get out of your job (including the paycheck!).
* Make a list of what you bring to your workplace.
* Acknowledge your new learning curve. While you may be returning to a job you know how to do, you are now learning how to be a working mom.
* Celebrate small successes. For Brody, this can mean writing something on your to-do list that you've already done, just so you can cross it off to feel a sense of accomplishment.
* Be patient. "Try not to make any major decisions for three months," says Brody.

Though it may not happen in the early weeks or even months of your return, once you are settled into life as a working mom, "you will become infinitely more efficient," says Mihalich-Levin. She recommends looking at your return to work "through a leadership lens, because you walk away from becoming a parent with so many newly developed skills that you can be using in the workplace."

In our culture of inadequate support for working parents, it is easy to feel apologetic about taking leave or having to cut out in time for daycare pickup or missing a meeting to pump. But remember what you are bringing back to the job: a whole set of new skills, a developing ability to multitask like a master, and the incentive to work as efficiently as possible. You are valuable to your workplace and will only grow more so as you settle into this new phase of your life. Don't apologize for raising a person and doing a paid job. Brag about it. You are freaking awesome.

Adapted from STRONG AS A MOTHER: How to Stay Healthy, Happy and (Most Importantly) Sane from Pregnancy to Parenthood by Kate Rope, copyright © 2018 by the author and reprinted by permission of St. Martin's Press. On sale May 1, 2018.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
9 Ways to Make Returning to Work After Maternity Leave as Painless as Possible

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Most moms have a lot of emotions about returning to work after having a baby-some of them conflicting. You may feel sad to leave your baby. You may feel relief to let professionals be in charge of baby care while you return to a job you have some idea how to do.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Tryst Network - Sex Positive Resources For The Community

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
This quote rings true for couples. We all want to know the secret to making love last, but what if it was as simple as just being your partner's friend?

Does that sound a little too easy?

According to research by Dr. John Gottman, long-term vitality and connection is maintained through moments of intentional friendship woven throughout the course of your relationship.

Below are five simple ways to strengthen the friendship in your marriage.
1. Make small moments into pivotal experiences.
Think about the honeymoon phase of your relationship. That time when everything about your partner seemed fascinating. Eros had taken hold of you, and everything from your partner's hair follicles to their crazy comments to the passionate way they looked at you drew you even closer to them. You were head over heels!

Fast forward a year or two into your relationship. No doubt there are moments that still draw you to your partner, but you notice that "flame" is a little less vibrant and it seems like more of a chore to make time to be together.

This is when the intentional work of maintaining your marital friendship is most important.

Couples in long-term relationships must learn to make the seemingly small and mundane moments actually pivotal moments that show your partner you are in tune with their world.
"Are we out of olive oil? I forgot to check when I was in the kitchen earlier." Partner shrugs and doesn't look up from the magazine they are reading.
or...
Partner puts magazine down and responds: "Hmm, I have no idea. But I'll check on my way out and stop into the store on my way back from the gym later and grab one!"
The difference is that you intentionally take the time to tune in, actively listen to, and respond to your partner in a way that leaves them acknowledged and heard.
2. Express genuine interest in your partner.
Do you do fun things together during your free time? You don't have to have the same interests as your partner, but you can absolutely enjoy time spent together by engaging in one of their (or your) interests.

Open yourself up to the opportunity of doing things you may not otherwise do on your own, for the sake of your relationship. What you will find is that, through your willingness to do so, these activities actually become enjoyable. The goal is not to force yourself to like golf if you don't enjoy golfing, but to look for moments to enjoy with your partner while you are golfing with them.
3. Make everything positive in your relationship foreplay.
As contrary as it may sound, the smallest ways that you acknowledge your partner's questions and expressions are the most significant in strengthening and securing your physical bond. According to Dr. Gottman's research, there is actual legitimacy to the "romance starts in the kitchen" mantra.

Daily experiences like doing the dishes, folding laundry, watching TV, or cooking together can be opportunities for a deeper connection to occur. These can be moments to share about your day, talk about your goals, or simply to check in on how each other is feeling.

What are some daily activities or rituals that you wish your partner would do with you? Would it be nice to have them fold laundry by your side, or simply sit together at dinner and have a conversation instead of silently scrolling through your phones?

In his New York Times bestseller The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. Gottman includes an extensive list of potential activities that couples can do together throughout their day to prioritize emotional connection. Check out the list and get ideas on what you could invite your partner to do with you!
4. Make your friendship unconditional.
When you think of your closest friends, you probably know that there are few things (if any) that could dissolve the bond between you. There is an acceptance of your differences, an understanding that you may disagree on certain issues but love each other nonetheless.

Simply bringing this mentality into your marriage will do wonders for your connection and romance. Recognizing that you will have differences in opinion and ways of addressing certain issues that come up throughout your life can allow you to explore your partner in a different way.

Work stress, issues with the kids, issues with other family members, and so many other things can overflow into your marriage. There should be no conditions when it comes to showing up for your partner. Treat your partner with the same understanding and unconditional support as you would hope to receive from them.
5. Be on your partner's team.
This goes beyond being able to accept your differences. When it comes to you and your partner versus the world, you should always take the side of your spouse. Never side with the enemy.

Show genuine interest in being on your partner's side, and never do or say things that could leave them feeling insignificant or alone. Stand up for your partner when you see them feeling uncomfortable in a social setting. Ground yourselves in your relationship by reminding your partner of your future goals when they are doubting themselves.

As with any friendship, your marital friendship is a bond that must be nurtured and prioritized. Creating meaningful experiences, showing genuine interest in one another, prioritizing romance, and being on the same team are all simple, daily actions that you can make right now to strengthen your marriage. Cultivating these will become a lifeline for your relationship and, later down the road, could potentially save your marriage from otherwise drifting apart.

How strong is the friendship in your relationship?

We would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

If want to build a deeply meaningful relationship full of trust and intimacy, then subscribe below to receive our blog posts directly to your inbox:

More in Dating & Premarital

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
5 Simple Ways to Strengthen the Friendship in Your Marriage

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
This quote rings true for couples. We all want to know the secret to making love last, but what if it was as simple as just being your partner's friend? Does that sound a little too easy? According to research by Dr. John Gottman, long-term vitality and connection is maintained through moments of intentional friendship woven throughout the course of your relationship.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
We are social beings by nature. Connecting with others is what provides richness in life, makes us feel safe, and has us recognize that we're part of something greater than ourselves. Yet we sometimes choose to stay behind a wall of emotional (or physical) distance, even in our closest relationships. As a result, our world contracts and we're robbed of living a fully dimensional life. Mindfulness helps us to wake up to the "choice points" in our relationships when we can decide to connect a bit more by listening, communicating, and allowing our hearts to open.

1. Really see each other

Making eye contact with someone activates what psychologist Stephen Porges calls our Social Nervous System, which can relieve stress and create a deeper sense of connection. It is hard not to feel intimate and vulnerable when looking into the eyes of another person-even a stranger. Try it! It may feel funny at first, but you will find a softening in your heart and a sensation of love flowing before you know it.

2. Listen with all of your senses

There's a difference between hearing someone and actively listening to someone. The next time you're having an in-person conversation, notice the posture and body language of the other person. Tune into the tone of their voice, and absorb the meaning of their words. See if it's possible to put aside your own response while listening to them speak. When we feel listened to, we feel cared about and this increases a sense of mutual love and connection.

3. Reach out and touch someone

As mammals, physical contact is essential to our well-being. American psychologist Harry Harlow's famous study on maternal deprivation with rhesus monkeys demonstrated that touch provides a crucial psychological and emotional resource in our development. Touch is also a primary way we communicate, feel safe, soothe our nervous systems, trust one another, and convey love and compassion. Take a day to experiment with actively reaching out to your loved ones with small touches (on the hand, shoulder, knee, or arm) and see what you notice-perhaps it's a greater sense of connection, increased compassion, or an open heart.

4. Hug like you mean it

Very few things feel better than a good hug. Science shows that hugging can reduce blood pressure, alleviate fear, soothe anxiety, and release the "love" hormone oxytocin. Psychologist Stan Tatkin suggests that in order to align nervous systems, prevent arguments, and feel more connected people hug until both bodies feel relaxed. Who can you hug today?

5. Be interested

The late rabbi and social activist Abraham Joshua Heschel said, "Life is routine, and routine is resistance to wonder." One of the essential attitudes of mindfulness is curiosity, and we can bring this into our relationships to foster warmth and trust. Our minds often tell us that we "know" someone so well that we can predict their behaviors and responses. While this may be true some of the time, it also stops us from clearly seeing the person in front of us-instead we just see our "idea" of that person. See if you can be open, curious, and interested in those close to you as if you are getting to know them for the first time. You might be surprised what you find.

6. Make plans and keep them

Nothing breaks a bond like flaking on plans. And yet there are often reasons why we don't follow through on commitments. Sometimes we're overextended, saying "yes" to plans or responsibilities when we mean "no." Be honest with yourself, and only take on what you can handle. Identify the people in your life who bring you down, and those who nourish and energize you. And then figure out if, and how, you can work with your relationships to those people to foster mutual trust, respect, and appreciation. Our connections flourish when we take time to get to know ourselves, and others, better.

7. Communicate your needs and feelings

Most of us have been guilty at one time or another of not being clear about what we really need or want in the moment. This indirect form of communication rarely yields the outcome we want. In our program Connecting Adolescents to Learning Mindfulness (CALM), we emphasize the importance of Non-Violent Communication, which assumes that we all share the same basic needs and that our actions (knowingly or unknowingly) are attempts to get those satisfied. When we learn how to identify and express our own needs clearly, we naturally move toward greater understanding, compassion, and connection with the people in our lives.

8. Be kind

Kindness is like a magnet. People like to be around others who are kind because they feel cared about and safe with them. The age-old Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you would want them to do to you" still rings true today. It's also reciprocal. When we practice kindness, not only do we feel better, but we help others feel good, too. And this just increases opportunities for positive connections throughout our day, which, in turn, contributes to our own health and well-being.

9. THINK before you speak

We've all been guilty of saying or doing something we wished we hadn't. It happens. But we can certainly make more of an effort to be thoughtful with our words and actions. Try this experiment for a week: Before speaking to someone, consider the following: Is it True, is it Helpful, am I the best one to say it, is it Necessary, is it K ind? See how your interactions change.

We might even imagine what the world would be like if everyone practiced this a little more.

10. Practice "Just like me"

DNA research has revealed that regardless of gender, ethnicity, or race, humans are 99.9% the same. If you want to foster a greater sense of connection in your life, as you go through your day and encounter someone who you think is different from you, silently say, "Just like me," and see what comes up. You may just experience the awareness that each of us wants the same things: to feel cared for and understood, and to experience a sense of belonging.

11. Experience joy for others

Be on the lookout for moments when you notice that others are taking care of themselves, experiencing a success or accomplishment, or even just having a good day, and see if you can be happy for them. Sometimes this joy for another's happiness naturally arises, and other times it's something we can intentionally foster. If you feel so bold, tell them, "Good job" or "I'm so happy for you." Not only can this create or strengthen your connection, but it can amplify your own good feelings.

A Box of Simple Advice: Build Connection Through Digital Zones

If eye contact, touch, and the way we use vocal tone (prosody) can help create connection, technology dilutes it. It pulls our gaze away and reduces human physical touch and can give us a sense of connection that often stays at the surface. Consider how you can create some tech-free zones throughout your day to increase your relational awareness and foster deeper connections in your daily life.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
We are social beings by nature. Connecting with others is what provides richness in life, makes us feel safe, and has us recognize that we're part of something greater than ourselves. Yet we sometimes choose to stay behind a wall of emotional (or physical) distance, even in our closest relationships.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
The Science of Love | John Gottman | TEDxVeniceBeach

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
All of your relationship problems cannot be solved by reading a book, attending a weekend workshop, or enrolling in couples therapy. With that said, learning what distinguishes happy couples from unhappy ones can change the course of how you and your partner love each other.

The seemingly insignificant shifts in the trajectory of your relationship can have a significant effect over time. The catch is that you have to continue to build on the positive changes you've made so you don't fall back into old, negative patterns.

When we followed up with couples who attended The Art and Science of Love weekend workshop in Seattle, we asked ourselves, "Is there a the noticeable difference between couples whose marriages continued to improve over time compared to those whose marriages did not?"

You'd think the successful couples would have made a dramatic overhaul in their marriage. This is not what we discovered.

To our surprise, they were only devoting an extra six hours per week to their relationship. How these couples split up these six hours depended on their focus and areas of improvement, but we did notice some clear patterns.

Here's what the winning formula looks like.

Partings

Happy couples make an effort to learn one thing that is happening in their partner's life that day before saying goodbye in the morning. This could be lunch plans with a best friend or a doctor's appointment or a scheduled call with their parents. The goal is to ask questions and learn about the exciting and not so exciting things about your partner's day.

Time allocation: 10 minutes per week (2 minutes a day x 5 working days)

Reunions

When you see your partner again at the end of the day, share a hug and kiss that last at least six seconds. Dr. Gottman calls this a "kiss with potential." The six-second kiss is a ritual of connection that is worth coming home to.

After the six-second kiss, have a stress-reducing conversation for at least 20 minutes. This provides you with a space for empathy and non-sexual intimacy, as well as encourages you to understand the stresses and problems outside of your relationship that you're both facing.

Time allocation: 1 hour and 40 minutes per week (20 minutes a day x 5 working days)

Appreciation and Admiration

It's important to find ways to genuinely communicate affection and appreciation toward your partner. I encourage couples that I work with to use an admiration journal, which enables them to record something small they notice and connect it to a trait they admire in their partner.

Not only does this make your partner feel valued, but it also primes your mind to see the positive traits of your partner, instead of focusing on the negative. Here is an example: "Thanks for helping out with the dishes last night and letting me go finish my project for work. You're such a thoughtful and kind woman."

Time allocation: 35 minutes per week (5 minutes a day x 7 days)

Affection

Expressing physical affection when you're together is vital to feeling connected to each other. Make sure to embrace each other before falling asleep. This can be as simple as cuddling for a few minutes or a goodnight kiss.

Think of these moments of affection as a way to let go of the minor stressors that have built up over the day. Imagine lacing your goodnight kiss with forgiveness and tenderness for your partner.

Time Allocation: 35 minutes a week (5 minutes a day x 7 days)

This important "we time" is a relaxing and romantic way to stay connected to each other.

During your date, ask open-ended questions and focus on turning towards each other. Think of questions to ask your partner, such as, "Are you still thinking about redesigning the bathroom?" or "I'd love to take a vacation with you. Do you have any places in mind?" or "How has your boss treated you this week?"

Time allocation: 2 hours once a week

State of the Union Meeting

Dr. Gottman's research revealed that spending just one hour per week discussing areas of concern within the relationship has shown to transform the way partners manage conflict. In my practice, I notice this dedicated space to discuss conflict gives couples the freedom to express their fears and concerns in a way that makes them feel heard and loved instead of feeling neglected.

I'd recommend this become a weekly ritual in your relationship that happens at the same time each week. It's sacred time because it's transformative, even though it may not feel fun in the moment.

Here's how to do it: Start by talking about what has gone well in your relationship since the last meeting. Next, give each other five appreciations you haven't yet expressed. Try to be specific and include examples. Now, discuss any issues that may have arisen in the relationship. To make the conversation effective, take turns being the speaker and the listener.

As the speaker, use gentle start-ups that avoid triggering your partner. As the listener, try to truly understand what your partner is saying without judgement. If you get defensive or flooded, take a 20-minute break and return to the conversation.

After both partners feel understood and heard by each other, move to problem solving with the two-circle method described on page 185 in The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. If a regrettable incident happened during the week, process it using the exercise on page 188 in The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. At the end of the conversation, each partner needs to ask and answer, "What can I do to make you feel loved this coming week?"

Time allocated: 1 hour a week.

Grand total: 6 hours!
You can download a free PDF version of the 6 hours to a better relationship here.
As you can see, six hours a week is quite minimal. In fact it's only 5% of your waking life if you sleep 8 hours each night. As insignificant as these six hours may feel, they will help enormously in keeping your relationship on track.

For more researched based ideas on how to make your relationship thrive, subscribe to receive insightful articles directly to your inbox:

More in Dating & Premarital

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
All of your relationship problems cannot be solved by reading a book, attending a weekend workshop, or enrolling in couples therapy. With that said, learning what distinguishes happy couples from unhappy ones can change the course of how you and your partner love each other.