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January 1 22 BC

Julius grew up without much attention from his parents which resulted in his need for others to validate him. This led to him developing narcissistic tendencies similar to borderline personality disorder. He has trouble maintaining relationships due to his selfish traits and poor ability to listen and follow others. This explains why he had three different wives during his life. This failure within romantic relationships caused him to go through periods of depression. As a result of suppressing this depression, his narcissism only got worse. This explains his later desires for extreme control.

January 7 22 BC

When Caesar was younger he had a traumatic experience with pirates. He was kidnapped against his will. This severely affected his mental state. As a result he suffers now from post traumatic stress disorder. The number of men in ancient Rome with beards increased recently due to beard oil becoming cheaper. Unfortunately for my client, this led to him having increased anxiety attacks and impulse control issues.

January 14 22 BC

Caesar seems to be very socially isolated. He has very few true friends, and struggles trusting people. This is likely due to the fact that he has a lot of enemies. The last time he recalls having a real bond with someone was during the triumvirate. However, when the Triumvirate fell apart and he became enemies with Pompey, this only furthered his isolation and trust issues.

January 21 22 BC

Caesar exhibits some forms of antisocial personality disorder which has become apparent within the last 4 sessions. He lacks empathy, craves power, and visibly manipulates others to reach his goals. He has no remorse for the people he has killed and shows no visible sadness for deaths in his personal life. His impulse control issues can also be explained by his psychopathic tendencies, he lacks control because he has no empathy.

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It was a sunny day in Rome, and premier therapist and psychoanalyst Barney the Dinosaur was content to spend his day in the public baths, alternating between pools of different temperatures and ripping fat clouds. Unfortunately for poor Barney, his days of calm contentment were about to come to a screeching halt. A messenger ran into the baths and shouted for him: “Barney! Barney! Dictator Julius Caesar has requested your presence!” Grumbling to himself, Barney drew himself out of the bath, dried his disgustingly purple skin, and tried to slip a tunic over his oversized head.

As he made his way over to Caesar’s Palace (See figure II) , he drew a long breath from his generic brand e-cigarette (Therapist Barney was not one for pipes, the traditional choice of therapists worldwide), and tried to recall everything he could about the newly risen dictator. He was pretty sure Caesar was born as a patrician, a noble though not quite wealthy family. The dictator’s father had died suddenly when the boy was 16 years old, an event that Barney was sure he could drag out for a full 3 sessions, billed at his generous rate of 50 gold coins an hour. ​After his father’s tragic death and Caesar’s ascension to the head of his house, he was forced to endure the bloody purges that came with the civil war between Marius and Sulla. Barney’s walnut sized brain (Figure III) swirled with ideas on how to exploit the buried trauma that the experience had undoubtedly caused. He continued on his journey to the palace, making good time despite his uselessly stubby legs. As Dr. Barney considered the depths of the Dictator’s trauma, he recalled the stories he’d heard of the then young man being kidnapped by pirates and befriending them, only to later return to have them all crucified. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to lean into Caesar’s trauma, lest the oversized purple dinosaur end up executed in a fittingly gruesome manner. He did remember hearing that Caesar had demanded the kidnappers raise his ransom, claiming that the sum they demanded was far below his true worth. Maybe he could focus more on the Dictator’s inherent arrogance rather than the likely touchy subject of his buried trauma. Then again, accusing the most powerful man in Rome of being arrogant wasn’t such a good idea either. Instead, he’d focus on Caesar’s impressive climb through the Roman political ladder, framing it as “impressive ambition”. Continuing his awkward waddle, Barney sped towards the palace.

​At last, Barney arrived at the palace, now fully reminded of any relevant information about Caesar. With a final exhale of his generic brand e-cigarette, Barney knocked on the door, and Caesar answered. “Barney the therapist, I find you guilty of treason against me, and sentence you to be executed immediately.”

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Setting: Therapist’s office - the day before the ides of march, 44 BCE

Therapist: Hello Julius. My name is Dr. Jessica. I am so happy you have made the choice to come to therapy to better yourself. I am hoping we can chat today. What has been bothering you lately?

Caesar: Um so well one of my comrades recently passed away. In war. Comrade. Just a friend.

Therapist: I see. Who exactly is, sorry, was, this friend exactly?

Caesar: Um. My very best friend in the whole world, my confidant. His name was Crassus.

Therapist: I see. Was romance involved?

Caesar: NO! Absolutely not.

Therapist: Alrighty, why don’t we backtrack to your childhood. Tell me about your family. Let’s say three good adjectives and three bad.

Caesar: Faraway, detached, passive, undemonstrable, uncommunicative.

Therapist: Those were five, and they were all bad. Who was that about again?

Caesar: My father.

Therapist: Oh? Tell me about your father.

Cesar: He is dead.

Therapist: When did he die?

Caesar: When I was sixteen. Young, stupid, soft to the world. I was left in charge of my family, my mother, my sister, Julia, our family dog. They all looked to me. Me. I was a child. I married. That young. I kept the bloodline. I made my father proud. Cornelia is the light of my life, well, until Crassus.

Therapist: Was he proud of you when he was alive?

Caesar: I don’t know. I’ll never know.

Therapist: (looking up from notepad) Let’s circle back to Crassus.

Caesar: It always circles back to Crassus.

Therapist: What do you mean?

Caesar: I see him everywhere. The only thing we shared was the first triumvirate. I’m mystified by how this city screams his name.

Therapist: Where is Crassus now?

Caesar: (sniffles)(looks up at the ceiling)(takes a deep breath)(voice wavering) He’s. Well. See the thing is, he’s dead. (sobs)

Therapist: I see. That must be incredibly hard.

Caesar: Hard? YOU THINK THIS IS HARD, JESSICA? I spend every waking moment waiting for him to come back. He isn’t truly dead. He can’t be. I miss him all the time. He was my world. I ended up falling harder for him than any woman, man, anyone I will ever encounter.

Therapist: What I’m hearing is you miss him. A lot. And even though he’s dead, something keeps hurting you. Something Crassus did?

Caesar: It was complicated.

Therapist: Complicated?

Caesar: Pompey.

Therapist: What do you mean?

Caesar: After he died, the pain of his relationship with Pompey fell on me.

Therapist: That sounds really hard. How have you been coping with this?

Caesar: I became the dictator.

Therapist: Oh?

Caesar: Yeah. But the hole in my heart remains unmended. I half lost half of myself.

Caesar: The stress of losing him coupled with my various stints as dictator have become too much.

Therapist: Well thank you for opening up to me. Our time is up for today, but shall we meet again the ides of March?

Caesar: Sounds good. I’ll see you then.

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C: Why am I here? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with me.

T: Well, let's start with that one time you were captured by pirates.

C: Oh that? That wasn't a big deal, they didn’t even understand my true worth, so I had to make them ask for more money! I don’t feel bad for killing them at all, I told them I would, and I always keep my word! I was nice to them while they lived, anyways, we had a great time. And I showed them mercy in death! I killed them before I crucified them!

T: Maybe we shouldn't be normalizing… I don't know… murder?

C: Oh, murder’s no big deal! I’ve killed so many Gauls, over a million!

T: Why do you think you're justified in this?

C: Rome needs the land, I need the power, and they’re just barbarians! Who cares if they die?

T: Why do you feel the need for power?

C: My best friends have abandoned me! I was in a triumvirate with Crassus and Pompey –– you know, the boys –– and they both conspired against me! I need to prove them wrong!

T: [under their breath] … trust issues… insecurity…hm. It seems like this troubling experience led to your distrust of those emotionally close to you. Could that be a reason why you feel paranoid?

C: Paranoid? Who’s paranoid?

T: Well...you.

C: I AM NOT!!

T: Okay, okay, sorry! Let's dive a little bit into your childhood shall we?
C: My father died at a young age, and since then well….

T: So daddy issues.

C: Oh 100%. That’s why I feel such a need to be a good dad. For example, top dad moment of the year: marrying someone literally her age.

T: Doesn’t that seem a bit off?

C: Nah bro, she’s hot.

T: Your daughter??

C: No no, my wife.

T: What is your daughter’s age…

C: Yuh!

T: Anyways… what's up with declaring yourself dictator? Are we compensating for something?

C: No! I deserve it!

T: Uhhh looks like our time is up! I'll have to refer you to a psychologist for…. Let's see… narcissism, paranoia, and concerning homicidal tendencies.

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Julia [therapist]: Hi Caesar, nice to meet you! I’m here to help you. What's been stressing you out lately?

Caesar: Well, I was reading in the library and I'm pretty sure I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I'm a little bit of a scholar so I'm very used to self-diagnosing. You're welcome. You see, I was born into a patrician family, but my dad didn't accomplish anything great, so we were like low-class patricians. He also died when I was sixteen, so that's probably a source of trauma. I read somewhere that the loss of such a powerful male figure in my life was probably detrimental to my mental health. And then I got married to Cinna's daughter Cornelia and big WHOOP then Sulla took over and everything was turned upside down. Sulla put a target on my head and I literally lost everything, like, I can't even. I got no inheritance, no dowry from Cornelia, and no more priesthood! Then they were like, "Yo, you gotta divorce Cornelia man," and I was like "Yo, what in Pluto is going on here? By Jupiter, you must be insane! I'm not gonna, like, divorce my wife!" So then I went into hiding for awhile, but my mother's family bailed me out, which was totally WILD. So, with nothing left to do, I decided to get as much power as I possibly could, because, you know, what better antidote to feeling powerless than killing to get power. And that's how I joined the military.

Julia: Oh no, I’m so sorry to hear about your father. That sounds really hard. How have you been coping since then?

Caesar: I get into a lot of wars. It’s a form of release for me. I’m really good at fighting. The Romans are the best to ever do it, and knowing that I am the reason we are such a military superpower gives me a purpose in life without my father.

Julia: Hmm, so it seems like you aren’t satisfied in life unless you are conquering more land?

Caesar: Possibly. The war also just occupies my mind and gives me some other resources in life. For instance, the first triumvirate was important to me. My close friend Crassus and frenemy Pompey gave me a type of support system. When Crassus died, and Pompey and I were enemies again, I struggled with the loss of companionship. I think I may have some issues building relationships. Possibly stemming from my lonely childhood. I also think I may have some issues with narcissism. This can make friendship difficult, as I don’t really tend to care about my ‘friends’.

Julia: Wow. You’re pretty messed up. Not sure I can help you. But I’ll let you know that in thousands of years Latin students will be forced to hear all about your problems. So, really, you’re not alone at all. In fact, you may be the most stalked man in human history.  Also, that will be $200 for my expert advice.