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I recently learned that My Mother's side of me carries Mapuche blood/ancestry, but starting in the 1900's it was safer for my family to hide that part and assimilate. I now feel like there's a part of me I might never understand. There is strong discrimination today in Chile between the Hispanic ancestry Chileans, and the indigenous Mapuche. To the point where they've tried to snuff any records of them out,  I cant find any substantial information about the culture.

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In third grade, we had a hermit crab as a class pet. His name was Herman. I was fascinated by him. I loved how as he grew, he collected a new shell and left the other behind. He stayed the same, but changed.

Sometimes when I think of my gender(s) as a non-binary trans femme person, I think back to Herman.

Throughout my life, I have made so many stops all along the gender and sexuality spectrums. Each one felt like home until it didn't. I'd stumble across a new shell and try it on. If it fit, I'd keep it, and leave my old one behind.

So I've been gay. I've been gender non conforming. I've been queer. I've been genderqueer. And now I'm non-binary. And sometimes a demiwoman.

Sometimes I feel non-binary trans people exist like Herman. We exist in a binarist world. The language for who we are continuously erased by colonialism and cisheterosexism. We are continuously crafting new language to understand who we are and where we sit in society. Like Gloria Anzaldúa says, we give it a handle. We come across a new term or new way of understanding the complexities of existing beyond the binary, and we try it on.

But for Latinx non-binary trans people (and other non-English speaking non-binary trans people) we face the additional barrier of navigating not only binarist social expectations but binarist language restrictions. From pronouns to names, nearly everything is gendered as male or female-never male and female, never male nor female.

Sometimes we concede.

I wonder if Herman ever walked around uncomfortably with his shell, patiently waiting to find a one large enough to encompass all his possibilities. I wonder if his body ever carried callouses from places where his shell didn't fit and instead rubbed and rubbed until he was raw and in pain.

I know I have.

Many times I've settled for "Ella" when I wish it had been "Ey" or "Elle." Many times I've settled for "mujer" or even "hombre" when "género queer transfemininx" just seemed too cumbersome for a tongue already clumsy and struggling from lack of practice.

How do I explain to my mother, a Mexican woman who never truly understood or embraced my queerness, that though she thinks she gave birth to a jaundiced coneheaded baby boy, she actually gave birth to a gender mystery? How when the language I'd use for "child" is binarist to begin with? How do I correct my cousins, who call me "primo" on Facebook posts, when neither primx nor prime contain the sweetness the prickly pear "primo" does?

How do we find home when we must constantly build it for ourselves?

I don't know. I don't know if Herman ever found the one shell that stayed feeling like home. I don't know if I ever will either. I suppose that's the fun and challenge of existing adentro y afuera; ni de aquí, ni de allá.
Rommy Torrico is a queer, trans, undocumented artist born in Iquique, Chile, raised in Naples, Florida, and currently based out of NY. Along with infusing their art with powerful stories from their own life, Torrico's work consistently uplifts the experiences and identities of their communities. Torrico is a designer with passion and intention, authentically delivering striking, illustrative pieces that support messages of hope, resistance and creating new worlds. Their work has been exhibited in California, Washington DC, and NY. Karari Olvera Orozco is an amp Contributor and the non-binary trans femme first born of Mexican immigrant parent. A writer, activist, public speaker, and makeup aficionadx, they sit on the boards of United Latinx Pride and the TransLatin@ Coalition and on the production team of America in Transition. You can catch them IRL in Chicago on the Hoodoisie, a live and live-streamed news show disseminating block-optic and radical perspectives on culture and politics, or hosting at DURO, Boystown's only night centering and celebrating queer/trans femmes of color of all sizes and shapes.

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Ni de aqui, ni de alla: On being a Latinx non-binary person

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In third grade, we had a hermit crab as a class pet. His name was Herman. I was fascinated by him. I loved how as he grew, he collected a new shell and left the other behind. He stayed the same, but changed.

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As a part of the LGBTQ+ community and a medical cannabis patient for a chronic illness, my extended family has been ashamed of me for a while.

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When I went to a public school on the rich side of town (we lived on the edge of the borderlines) I was too different for my peers to accept me with my dark hairy arms, uni brow, mustache, and accent. I then switched to a school that had a ratio of 60:40, Mexican/Latinx children to white children. I felt a lot more accepted there but kept getting mistaken for Mexican. Most of the time I got too tired to correct people, and eventually just started calling myself that. Now I recognize that my identity should be respected, and I shouldn't have to conform. Sometimes I can't believe the stuff I let slide.

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Having a Chilean Mom but an Irish Dad made growing up a bit confusing. They both were catholic and enforced those views on me, but I had to adapt to communicating with two very different people, culturally and morally. Even their parenting styles and expectations pf me were distinct from each other. I identified more with my latin@ identity especially with growing up in my strictly Spanish speaking Chilean family.

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I was born in Chile and lived my first year there until I came to Oregon. My mothers family slowly followed suit and  immigrated over to the same place we had settled at. It was really important for me growing up that I had such a big + loving family. When I visit Chile and see the ever growing family, I love feeling like I have connections spanning thousands of miles. I live there in my mind, but sadly I know I'm better off in the US.

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 What has been your experience being from the place you were born?

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 What has been your experience being from the place you were born?

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When I visit I stick out like a sore thumb, tattoos and my gothic style don't get very welcomed during 1st impressions. At the same time, Its hard to care about the people staring at you when you can finally enjoy some traditional food you've been missing out on. I just daydream of eating a big pastry box of Alfajores and relaxing in the plaza.

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This is a classic art concept, done over and over. but the three different layers of the one face says to me - multiple identities, one face/body. Which can be said for how I feel as a Queer Chilean american.

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A view I always have to visit when I'm back home.

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I wish I had photos of my childhood and life growing up, but I don't have any access to those photos

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I wish I had photos of my childhood and life growing up, but I don't have any access to those photos

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Connections between my past and my present.

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Connections between my past and my present.

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The government in Chile has been corrupt since the start. My mom recounts her years of protesting the unjust imprisonment of Mapuche Chileans, when today, it continues to happen. I try to take that generational energy and channel in into the country I'm living in today. To Combat the racist police brutality and incarceration of our black and brown family. I will keep protesting and so will my offspring if the discrimination doesn't stop.

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Same can be said for the US
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"This is a movement, were not at war"

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I'm still looking for latinx friends that will accept me for the way I am. I've never met any other Chileans and I have yet to make queer latinx friends. I specify that because it's nice to be surrounded by people who understand you and have experienced similar things.