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lachlan dived into the deep sea of the abyss with his 3 friends while they were swimming. They say a creature with the tip of his eyes.
while they were going deeper the creature came back. They were swimming away but it was too late.
It took his friends one by one and he was left. When he was swimming up he saw his friend in the boat and then woke up from his dream.

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Wake up at 6:30

Brush teeth and eat breakfast

Pick up Sarah and Ryan

Arrive at Raging Waters

Standing at the top of the halfpipe

Racing down the half pipe backwards

Falling off the half pipe.

Identify the action in this sequence. In 10 minutes, generate an intriguing way to engage your audience.

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I wonder if you can focus on the drama like what happens in slow motion.

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"Wait, I change my mind" Lachlan bellowed! His eyes glared at the instructor. Eyes locked, fist clenched. His destiny sealed with the instructors chuckle.

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My heart jumped out of my chest as I saw the massive wave of people waiting in line. My legs turned to jelly as what felt like hours passed. Now it was my turn. Now I am so ready!

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I wonder if you can exclude unnecessary details?

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I wonder if you can include metaphors, similies and descriptive language to strengthen your hook.

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Hook:  Bob froze in fear goosebumps running along his spine, he hopped that this creature didn’t hear his perplex and petrified breathing under the old blanket. He did what he could to survive just stood still, not daring to move a muscle for the sake of his life and family. For now he forgot about everything. Just focusing on his life and this monster.

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Hook:  Bob froze in fear goosebumps running along his spine, he hopped that this creature didn’t hear his perplex and petrified breathing under the old blanket. He did what he could to survive just stood still, not daring to move a muscle for the sake of his life and family. For now he forgot about everything. Just focusing on his life and this monster.

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giorgio

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Yui gasped, then held her throat, something was making her thirsty and her throat was dry.

"Chichinashi!"

Ayato came in kneeling right next to her.

"Hey what's wrong?"

This was like she was losing air like nothing was there.Ayato came back in a second,gave Yui the bottle and she chugged the water down.

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Hook: 5! 4! 3! 2! Lachlan is regretting his life choices, he shuts his eyes thinking of everything he loves, 1! SWEESHHH! Lachlan keeps his eyes closed, thinking of all the worst things that could happen; SQUZZE after he goes through the smallest loop of the halfpipe.CRACK! Crack! A part of the pipe breaks. Lachlan has no idea what to do he just keeps his eyes closed, then suddenly he screamed for help AHHHHHHHHHH!

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I was looking down the slide thinking…”should i really be doing this?” My friends shoved me on the slide and tried to hype me up as I cried hysterically.I tried to scream”STOOOOOPPPP”.But nothing would come out.

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Walking in she heard something,it sounded like laughter and she heard a familiar voice,a voice she hasn't heard in a year.

Walking up to the second floor of the living room seeing Misako, she was crying.

Then she recognized it,it was her friend who was murdered six months ago before she came to the mansion.

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“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH,” I screamed and panting for breath as we slid down fast.

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He gasped, his throat couldn’t  hold any more air. He squeezed his hand and trusted his gut. He dashed down the gigantic slide with uncontrollable speed. AAAAARRRRRRRHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

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“ Wait, who is that following us?”

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As I ran out of breath yelling for help. I ran to the nearest police station.

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I screamed in fear out loud, trying to catch my breath.

I'm home alone, then I suddenly hear footsteps coming up to my room. Who could it be?......

I squeal in fear as a baby spider crawls up my leg.

I panic as I see my door open by itself, is it a ghost…..?

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I woke up, half unconscious, and overheard the slight tremble in the nurse's voice and the rapid beeping sounds as well as a breathing mask that fogged up every time I took a breath.  what happened how did it happen was the only thing I could think of.Here came a flashback it was in a glimpse of me and my friends we were too overconfident about the jump. We heard the 3,2,1 drop!!! Then there was a slight chill on my body…..

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Hook:  All in a blink of an eye , I woke up to reality. Taking a step to the platform to face my deepest fear, just optimising how i got to this stage and realising  it all. :I was on the 32 foot platform for diving, i was petrified and wasn't prepared still question what happened and what should I do, suddenly I heard a shot A person fired a flare gun, suddenly all the noise came to my ear as people started diving in for the race, me still confused sat still while being pelted with voices.

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Hook:  All in a blink of an eye , I woke up to reality. Taking a step to the platform to face my deepest fear, just optimising how i got to this stage and realising  it all. :I was on the 32 foot platform for diving, i was petrified and wasn't prepared still question what happened and what should I do, suddenly I heard a shot A person fired a flare gun, suddenly all the noise came to my ear as people started diving in for the race, me still confused sat still while being pelted with voices.

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giorgio

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I was 100m in the air, the water slide was scary. Should I walk away NO, then my friends will laugh at me.  I was so scared that I nearly threw up. I heard it 3, 2… Drop. Ahhhhhhhhh I dropped I felt like throwing up but done i felt relieved and I thought that I was gonna die.

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“Ahhhhhhh” yelled Lachlan as he felt a hand  his back.His arms flapping and feeling like jelly.Thud!  Screaming and crying filled Lachlan’s ears. Yet Lily’s couldn’t be found

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“Ahhhhhhh” yelled Lachlan as he felt a hand  his back.His arms flapping and feeling like jelly.Thud!  Screaming and crying filled Lachlan’s ears. Yet Lily’s couldn’t be found

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He is standing right there, right outside my room. My heart was pulsing at the wisp of his breath.

Was he on our side, or was he on the Hitlers side?

They have probably taken my parents, and I'm guessing I'm next…

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Hook: I Immediately felt my heart drop, there were people in my home.

I quickly trapped myself in my room till I heard one of the burglars go on the other side of my door...

I heard the burglar come on the other side of my door. I could hear their heavy breath against the door, their voice sounded so familiar I just couldn't place it...

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I could feel their breath on my neck. My heart beat faster and faster. I know I couldn't escape no matter how hard I tried. I was trapped with no way out.

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As I stood there in the snow, gasping trying to catch my breath after walking down the mountain.  I could feel my eyes water as I slowly fell to the ground on my knees in despair.
I thought to myself “ If only I had gotten here earlier, if only I was fast enough...It's all my fault." But who would do such a thing? Why these innocent people?
I've never felt so many emotions before. Anger, depression and denial.

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Denis peeked into the abyss not knowing what he signed himself up to. He jumped into his abyss the water rippled as he jumped not knowing what he was about to face.

He slowly fell deeper and deeper until he hit the seabed. Others watched him fade into the underwater abyss. Denis panicked, he wanted to turn back but he couldn't. He wanted to show his dad that he was capable of doing dangerous things.

He swam carefully around dead coral hoping to find anything that might make his dad happy. Suddenly he found an Anglerfish then a large glowing light shined on him, he turned around to see a Giant Anglerfish.

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My heart was bursting out my chest, I didn’t really think this through.. I couldn’t give myself the courage to run down the devilish pipe. I took a ripped, deep breath in, and out. I then leapt down the pipe. I was tumbling around and couldn’t get a good grip of myself. My life flashed before my eyes..

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I like the idea of your friend forcing you to go onto the slideeeee

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Descriptive language

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I like how you wrote " I tried to scream but nothing came out"

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I like how you wrote " I tried to scream but nothing came out"

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I like that the way you have shown fear and confidence with "squeezed his hand and trusted his gut".

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I prefer the second because of the suspense and the words you have used in this hook

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I liked the way that you used a similie

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i like how u have used other characters aside from the personat hand

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i like how u have used other characters aside from the personat hand

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I like the way you started with onomatopoeia

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I got off the bus and screamed as loud as I could. I was terrified my legs were shaking.It was because I was walking home. Walking home ALONE!!! I couldn’t move. Some people say “oh walking home? I do it all the time.” but I was frightened that something was going to happen to me. Like getting kidnapped or tripping on the concrete and hurting myself.I Started walking then I was on the ground. This is what I expected. What I think happens in real life.

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Hook: Huff! Puff! Lachlan shut his eyes as perspire dripped off his head. He shivered, his fingers were ice, he took a deep breath as the fate of his life hung on the push of a button. Beep

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I like how you used a son's perspective how he has pressure to impress his dad 

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I like how you used a son's perspective how he has pressure to impress his dad 

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I like the phrases you use and how you added onomatopoeia 

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I like the phrases you use and how you added onomatopoeia 

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I love that you includes that the person fell in despair. Great detail to the persons emotions.

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I like how you used body language to help the reader infer how they are feeling

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I tried sprinting away, but nothing worked. It was still following me…

All I could do was hide behind a tree, but when I peeped my head out all I had to say was “go away, please!”.

It stopped but then everything turned pitch black my eyes were in a blindfold and I was in a van? Before someone took me somewhere I could say anything I heard a voice I recognised “Hello? Anybody there?-”.

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I like the emotion that you have used through  words.

I dislike it because the emotion doesn't really take you in the hook

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i like your writing but you could be more descriptive by adding similies and metaphors. To Reyes

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I wonder if you could try not to use as much detail in a hook, since you don;'t want to bore the reader out

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i like how you describe how the person had fear going down their spine

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i wonder if you could include better language as well as spelling

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i wonder if you could include better language as well as spelling

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I wonder if you can add more adjectives to create more emotion in the hook

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WHAT MY SPELLING IS ALL CORRECT?

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“How could you have done such a thing?!” Mitch's mother replied. “I got word from the principal, you are grounded for 3 months!”. He ran to his room, clutching on his pillow because his mother was yelling at him. Mitch didn't know why his mother was yelling at him. But then, he remembered everything.

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I like the descriptive language.

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I wonder if you can shorten it but still have the same information and impact it has

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i like how you express how they're feeling

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I like the way you built suspense, but in the first sentence you used past tense but in the rest of the hook, you used the present tense.

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I wonder if you could describe the burglars and not use the word burglar to much

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I wonder if you could describe the burglars and not use the word burglar to much

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I wonder if you can add more suspense in the hook using more words that describe emotion.

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I wonder if you could add onomatopoeia and fix up "think" to "Thinks" since it doesn't make sense with 'think'

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Paarth, I wonder if you can reduce the sentences in the beginning. While they are entertaining and build suspense, there are a few too many conjunctions that extend the sentence longer than it needs to be.

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Things*

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i like how u wrote that u kept running away but it didn't work  

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i like how u wrote that u kept running away but it didn't work  

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Maybe add more suspense to engage the reader into your hook

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i like how discribe how you talk about the expression

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I wonder if you could use a little more descriptive language.

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I like how you are telling the reader how you felt and there was some part of a mystery so I liked that part

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i like how used direct speech, however you forgot to add some fullstops

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I like how you built up the suspense and how you made some words in bold to make the text stand out.

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I like the emotion and suspense words you use and metaphors, but you over used figurative language and made it not make sense ' I felt my breath on my spine"

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I like the emotion and suspense words you use and metaphors, but you over used figurative language and made it not make sense ' I felt my breath on my spine"

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I woke up, half unconscious, and overheard the slight tremble in the nurse's voice. The rapid beeping sounds as became unbearable!  what happened? how did this happen?

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I wonder if you can reduce your sentences but have that same suspense in it

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I like how you added a cliffhanger to the story at the end to make them read more into your story.

I also like how you describe why you are afraid to go alone and reasons.

great job! 👏

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i love the words you used to show emotion but The first sentence dragged on a bit.

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I like the different rhetorical questions that hook the reader, but you could use more describing words to describe his breath or your emotions.

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I like the different rhetorical questions that hook the reader, but you could use more describing words to describe his breath or your emotions.

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I liked how you told the reader how terrified you were staying alone in the house.

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Good descriptive words that hook the reader and make it interesting,  overuse of commas and repetitive similar phrases 

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Good descriptive words that hook the reader and make it interesting,  overuse of commas and repetitive similar phrases 

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I like the way you used the count down, but you started off with past tense then the second sentence went to present tense

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I like how you didn't give away who or what was following you which builds up suspense.

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You used 3rd person then 1st person which made it confusing. maybe add more descriptive words, I like the plotline which hooks the reader

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You used 3rd person then 1st person which made it confusing. maybe add more descriptive words, I like the plotline which hooks the reader

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I wonder if you can add a little more drama in it.

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I wonder if you could add some onomatopoeia

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I wonder if you can rephrase and add punctuations to your text to make it stand it out more.

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i wonder if you could add a bit more suspence

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i wonder if you could add a bit more suspence

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Sort of the same things as paarths, I feel like there is to many sentences for a hook. But is a very great start to a story!

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I wonder if you can add more drama or suspense in the hook

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I wonder if you could maybe bring it like a little closer to the edge to make it like they person reading it is on that situation.Like instead of waking up from a dream maybe you could say that you woke up in a hospital bed or something that is going to shock the reader.