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14.5.2007

Today, when I woke up, I felt odd again. The house I had tidied the night before seemed wrong to me again. The books weren't sorted right, the utensils were placed out of order, the light's seemed off center and my laundry was not folded in a way that was sightly.

I tried to brush it off as just me being hysterical again, as the doctors said, but even while I was freshening up in the shower, I could not help but note the imperfections in my home. Everything was off and not in place.

As I tried to go on with my day, the itchig feeling kept getting more uncomfortable to ponder on. So I ended up abandoning my breakfast in order to properly tidy my home.

I spent around an hour simply undoing the work I did yesterday, taking everything out, measuring them back in place, making sure they were up to par. At the end, my eggs ended up going cold and I had to boil the water all over again for my coffee. I ended up off plan again, as I had to replan my entire day, which annoyed me even more.

I couldn't shake off the feeling again, as it silently stwered inside me. I was already off scheduele, so I had no choice other than too eat my breakfast and grab a quick snack from my pantry, which to my annyance, also needed to be tidied once I'm back from work.

Perhaps I should see a doctor for this, but for now, I'll have to wait. Maybe this time they won't dismiss it for 'hormones acting up.'

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Today i wake up so early in the morning and from the second i opened my eyes i was overthinking that i want everything is perfect , if it’s not i feel so nervous so i stand up and opened the window and i came back to do my bed it took me 20 - 25 mins to do it then i went to do my breakfast but my phone start to ring i didn’t want to answer it but i start to think something bad will happen while that i touched the unwashed tomatoes .., at that moment i start to freaking out and scratch my hands then i start to wash it really hard with and without a Soap until it become red and start to hurt me but i couldn’t stop it .., i continue my breakfast really hard and i was thinking about leaving my house but i remember that outside my house everything going to be bad and i’ll stat to freaking out so i start to clean my house again and again until i start to cough hard .., sometimes i feel bad but i feel shy to tell my family and friends to help me with it .

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27.11.2024

Today was so up and down. This morning, I felt like I could do anything. My mind was full of ideas, and I had so much energy. I was talking too fast and making big plans, but it felt great. For a moment, I thought I had everything figured out.

By the afternoon, it all changed. I felt heavy, like I couldn’t move. The energy was gone, and so was the excitement. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or think about anything. How can I go from feeling so good to feeling so low in just a few hours?It’s hard for me, but I know it’s hard for others too. When I’m excited, I’m too much for them. When I’m sad, I shut them out. I wish I could find a middle ground, something steady. I just want to feel normal for a little while. Maybe tomorrow.

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September 23 1998,

When I woke up this morning I felt annoying buzzing inside me. I don’t know what was it, but counting chirps of birds (47), heard outside of my window, helped me to calm this buzzing and get up. I tried my best with usual routine — exactly 5 minutes in bathroom, 3 times washing my hands, 3 times washing my face, 3 times gently tapping 3 layers of paper towels to dry my face, — but the buzzing was coming back, so I hurried and tried to get to breakfast part. I did oatmeals for myself (3 tea spoons of sugar), but I got distracted with how my fridge was nearly empty and dirty, so I had to clean it and rearrange products how they supposed to be; top shelf - cheese/additional ingredients, second shelf - light food that can be consumed as snacks, third shelf - products for breakfast (including eggs but they have to be on the right side), and the last shelf - any leftovers from previous lunch/dinner or heavy food.

Unfortunately, while I did all that, oatmeals got cold and tasteless and I also was running late by 20 minutes of my known schedule. I decided to light snack instead, with 2 sandwiches that I knowingly prepared yesterday night for such occasion. But with time that ran out and with unsatisfied stomach and brain lacking glucose- I could not. Damn buzzing only got worse, so I spinned on my place 15 times as I’m supposed to do, I washed my face as well 10 times and even took my medicine, but the buzzing inside me did not stopped. And then I froze on my place, when I just took my meds, I froze, I got paralysed by my own buzzing of annoyance that I was late, I’m behind the schedule, that I didn’t eat as I’m supposed to, and that medicine gonna take time, so I just stood and stood and stood, until the buzzing got softer and soon enough was gone. I missed already 5 hours of my life just for a normal breakfast as I’m supposed to have, medicine helped, but I’m getting tired with how unfitting it feels to me — calming down, stopping buzzing, and getting behind my schedule. I know medicine supposed to help, but it’s making me worse, I’m falling behind schedule and unable to do what I’m supposed to do.

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January 18, 2024.

after waking up I went outside to drink a cup of black Turkish tea. When I went in and ordered two cups the waiter looked at me very strangely and I thought he wanted to choke me from my back, my intuition told me that I should ask him why is he looking at me like that. I said: 'Abi neden bana bakiyorsunuz' he then replied with 'ne dyon oglum'. I thought that my intuition was wrong. When I finished my tea I left the cafe and headed back home. As soon as I arrived there was different aura, as if someone snuck in and waited for me in the bathroom, however when I checked the room, It was empty. at that day I had to take the pills to normalize my feelings, doctors say that I have a very severe disease called schizophrenia but I don't believe them. I went to sleep because it was too late, however later at night I suddenly woke up and there was someone else in my head and it was trying to tell me something, since the voice was too loud I couldn't understand anything. After a while the stranger was arguing with the intuition about my existence and that I should jump off the roof however my intuition was against it, I listened to them carefully. I then saw nothing but darkness, it was a very pleasant moment, since I didn't hear anything except my thoughts.

next day: the policeman found dead body of a 35 year old man in the garden of his house. he had scars on his face, it looked like he was trying to cut his scalp.

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I woke up today feeling unsure if what I dreamed was real. Sometimes, I hear voices that won’t stop, whispering things I can’t ignore. They tell me I’m in danger or that people are watching me. It’s hard to tell what’s true and what isn’t.

I see things too, shadows moving when no one’s there. I try to explain it, but people don’t understand. They say it’s all in my head, but it feels so real. Sometimes, I’m terrified to leave my room because I don’t know who to trust. Even my own thoughts feel like they’re not mine.

It’s exhausting, living like this. I want to be normal, to not feel like my mind is playing tricks on me all the time. I feel so alone, like I’m trapped in a world no one else can see or understand. - Tamer Oran

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April 25, 2024

I woke up this morning and immediately noticed something was off—the kitchen tiles weren’t perfectly aligned. I had to fix it, but even after adjusting them, it didn’t feel right. I spent way too long checking things, like locking doors or washing my hands over and over. I just can’t stop. If I don’t do it, I feel like something bad will happen.

It’s hard to explain to people because they think I’m being dramatic when I tell them I have to do these things. Sometimes, I get so caught up in it that I can’t focus on what others are saying. It makes me feel distant, even though I want to be there for them.

I try to hide it because I don’t want anyone to think I’m weird. It’s exhausting, and sometimes I just feel like I’m trapped in my own mind.