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It has been three years. I left Banff last with so much joy in my heart. It was there, staring out at the snowy landscape that I heard about my promotion. It could not have been more perfect. Strangely, it felt that the 2023 visit, was the happiest visit of all. I felt completely embraced by the landscape, the magic of the mountains, the quiet of the deep white and the gentleness of mountain life. I have railed about going back. I have listened to those who tell me it is a waste my time and resources to return to the same place. Last year I listened and escaped to the wilds of Scotland and the bustle of London. But, the yearning for the mountains quietly walked behind me. I felt the overwhelm deep in my bones. So, I return. Much has happened. My health is challenging and my depression deep. I feel an emptiness that will not go, that shakes me to the core and divides my days with false bravado and masking to moments of deep despair. I call on the angels to protect and provide. And I look to the mountains to refill my soul.

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Anxiety rises. I don't know why. Like a cloud descending, floats,then crashes. I rise through it pushing against, breathing in. Breathing out. I can conquer the fear. I must. The mountains are calling, and I must go.

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Anxiety rises. I don't know why. Like a cloud descending, floats,then crashes. I rise through it pushing against, breathing in. Breathing out. I can conquer the fear. I must. The mountains are calling, and I must go.

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BLESSING OF COURAGE    I cannot say where it lives, only that it comes to the heart that is open,to the heart that asks,to the heart that does not turn away.It can take practice,days of tugging at what keeps us bound,seasons of pushing against what keeps our dreaming small.When it arrives,it might surprise you by how quiet it is,how it moves with such grace for possessing such power.But you will know it by the strength that rises from within you to meet it,by the release of the knot in the centre of your chest that suddenly lets go.You will recognise it by how still your fear becomes as it loosens its grip,perhaps never quite leaving you,but calmly turning into joy as you enter the life that is finally your own.—Jan Richardson from The Cure for Sorrow: A Book of Blessings for Times of Grief

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BLESSING OF COURAGE    I cannot say where it lives, only that it comes to the heart that is open,to the heart that asks,to the heart that does not turn away.It can take practice,days of tugging at what keeps us bound,seasons of pushing against what keeps our dreaming small.When it arrives,it might surprise you by how quiet it is,how it moves with such grace for possessing such power.But you will know it by the strength that rises from within you to meet it,by the release of the knot in the centre of your chest that suddenly lets go.You will recognise it by how still your fear becomes as it loosens its grip,perhaps never quite leaving you,but calmly turning into joy as you enter the life that is finally your own.—Jan Richardson from The Cure for Sorrow: A Book of Blessings for Times of Grief

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As time draws a line in the sand for me, as youth passes from my face with growing veracity and my hands, my father's hands, grasp the last remnants of what it meant to be loved, to be whole, I look to the mountains for solace. I am unsure if my return to the snow and ice will isolate or compensate for the loss I feel.  Whether the silence will quell the tumultuous noise in side my heart. In silence conquer fear, in silence, find  my voice. As memories float, ebb and flow within my consciousness, I cannot help but wish, you could be there, for just a short while, to remind me of when I was desirable.

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As time draws a line in the sand for me, as youth passes from my face with growing veracity and my hands, my father's hands, grasp the last remnants of what it meant to be loved, to be whole, I look to the mountains for solace. I am unsure if my return to the snow and ice will isolate or compensate for the loss I feel.  Whether the silence will quell the tumultuous noise in side my heart. In silence conquer fear, in silence, find  my voice. As memories float, ebb and flow within my consciousness, I cannot help but wish, you could be there, for just a short while, to remind me of when I was desirable.

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The anticipation of the return is at times, exhilarating but also uncertainty. Leaving the dream only to return to it may mean it is instead muted by the familiar. The yearn for the yesterday propels me forward but warns me not to try to replicate what was. Growing older with a desire for a life that I can never have fills me with frustration because I always knew I needed to be in the mountains but was borne of sea and sunshine. It confuses me. And pushes me forward. 

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The anticipation of the return is at times, exhilarating but also uncertainty. Leaving the dream only to return to it may mean it is instead muted by the familiar. The yearn for the yesterday propels me forward but warns me not to try to replicate what was. Growing older with a desire for a life that I can never have fills me with frustration because I always knew I needed to be in the mountains but was borne of sea and sunshine. It confuses me. And pushes me forward. 

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As i sit, numbed by work and the prospect of greyness in so many aspects of my life, my memory returns time and time again to the white splendour, of the silence, where my grief, thick, heavy, unnamable, that which cloaks my heart, is allowed to 'sit'. I will return seeking solace in the crispness of a snowy visage, aching for healing. 

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As i sit, numbed by work and the prospect of greyness in so many aspects of my life, my memory returns time and time again to the white splendour, of the silence, where my grief, thick, heavy, unnamable, that which cloaks my heart, is allowed to 'sit'. I will return seeking solace in the crispness of a snowy visage, aching for healing. 

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I made the decision. Booked the ticket. Heart soars. Mind tingles with the anticipation of returning to the mountains. Jasper. Banff. In the stifled cave of my office, I imagine the air, the sublime cathedrals of mountains that encircle Banff - that which ignites my soul, beyond the toxicity of the human follies and endless toil of making ends meet. Soon. I am born of sea and sand but I am at home in another place. A place of ruggedness, of pines and birch....that conflict fills my senses and confused my identify. Solutions allude me. 

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I made the decision. Booked the ticket. Heart soars. Mind tingles with the anticipation of returning to the mountains. Jasper. Banff. In the stifled cave of my office, I imagine the air, the sublime cathedrals of mountains that encircle Banff - that which ignites my soul, beyond the toxicity of the human follies and endless toil of making ends meet. Soon. I am born of sea and sand but I am at home in another place. A place of ruggedness, of pines and birch....that conflict fills my senses and confused my identify. Solutions allude me. 

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A yearning. A melancholy. Permeates my soul when I least expect and whispers....come home. 

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A yearning. A melancholy. Permeates my soul when I least expect and whispers....come home. 

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Banff, a town of magic. Who knows how it quite gets under your skin.....nestled beneath THAT mountain, a backdrop of splendour. How I miss it. Bow Bridge. Deer eating on the side of the road near the Fairmont, that gondola, those hot springs. My heart misses a beat when I think of you. Banff.

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Banff, a town of magic. Who knows how it quite gets under your skin.....nestled beneath THAT mountain, a backdrop of splendour. How I miss it. Bow Bridge. Deer eating on the side of the road near the Fairmont, that gondola, those hot springs. My heart misses a beat when I think of you. Banff.

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Sleigh. Ice. Snow. Silence. Fire crackle. Frozen lake. Warm hands. No voice. Good coffee. Deer Lodge. Ice skating. Mist. Mountain mama. 

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Sleigh. Ice. Snow. Silence. Fire crackle. Frozen lake. Warm hands. No voice. Good coffee. Deer Lodge. Ice skating. Mist. Mountain mama. 

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Lake Louise - the beauty was overwhelming, the experience unparalleled. I look at this photo with longing and some melancholy. Will I ever get to return?

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Lake Louise - the beauty was overwhelming, the experience unparalleled. I look at this photo with longing and some melancholy. Will I ever get to return?

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Canada. What an experience of change and enlightenment. Unbelievable majesty. Beauty beyond the everyday.

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Missing the snow and the serenity. I can't imagine what it would be like to live somewhere like this all the time. The silence would be like a blanket of peace

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Missing the snow and the serenity. I can't imagine what it would be like to live somewhere like this all the time. The silence would be like a blanket of peace