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(for the time being, written 7/6/23)
choreography has been an especially hard form to understand. growing up, misunderstanding that my way of being was a result of neurodivergence, I did not know that my innate way of creation was ripe with intelligence. I channel the times I spent dreaming about creation as a kid and pick the abundance fruit from the trees of my memory. I like to squeeze and peel and pit and spread the juices and savor then spit it everywhere and see what happens.
taking from the fruits of my childhood is exhausting!! learning from the creation of my thesis that its ok to choose times in your life to be inspired by, it was okay the way I created my piece. in fact, it was extremely satisfying, I was even proud of myself. for the first time in my life, I was able to say I created a choreographic piece I really really liked, that I thought was prfoundly truthful to my life now and in the past. and that there was more! flowing out of me. I had cracked open the coconut in my mind and let it drip out of my brain into my mouth and I splatter that coconut juice on my cast ehehehe.
enoughfood talk, I may be hungry writing this :D
when I really sat down to think about this process, for realsies, irl, no joke, I thought about what everyone else saw. the costumes with the androgynous clothing scheme. the ladder so in your face with the distracting youtube clips and journalistic typwriting.  it being all in your face of course, thats what people told me they loved. im glad they loved it. in retrospect the costumes were really coming from a place of intuition I did not know I had in me. layering a button down over a pretty dress, the influence of masculinity winning in my life as a transmasc person. the mustache of my dad cowering over the lip of each cast member, reminding myself that being triggered is seeing your abuser in the wrong people. the nodding off the nodding in jewish disgust the nodding of neurodivergent soothing the nodding of davening. its all so perfect its all so me.
the ladder. the loop.
perpetually have felt in my life that I live in patterned disconnected and disjointed chaos. back and forth constantly, I can never decide what to do unitl one day my knees give out and I perfectly dance away into the fading light of some random dream I copied from some girl I had a crush on. this may make sense if you watched my thesis, also if your my mom or the girls who bullied me in middle school. I have felt repeated lessons being taught to me in my life in a way so in my face that I get overstimulated and don’t often learn til the third time its come back in my life. I imagine my lifes struggles as loading bars on a computer, right now, im downloading learning how to actually care for myself, im about 60% there I think. im downloading a lot usually, as well as cleaning my hard drive of virus, failing, and getting sick again. its a loop. its never ending, ill climb and climb and fall, and get scared of heights, step down a few rungs. try again.

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Basic musicality for all movers!!!!!

We will be moving and discussing through isolations, by the end of class everyone will move to champagne coast by blood orange!

Isolations are moving one part of the body while trying to keep the rest completely still, to accentuate and showcase the movement in that one part. Typically done in a jazz or contemporary technique class, we will move past those bounds of technique towards self expression! As a group, we will warm up by performing for each other, free of judgment, and learn to isolate through teaching the muscles as well as musicality.

We will also discuss the polarities within the body. Life is about polarities, existence is acknowledging our being is polar and dichotomous. Moving in and out of parallels, being contradictory, engaging the body while knowing this!!

NOTAFLOF!!!!!!

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This work sample was inspired by a very close friend of mine whom I met the first week of college on my dorm floor: this person struggled with BPD. Our friendship held a mirror to the internal turmoil I struggled with due to growing up with family members whose mental and emotional state were tumultuous. The closer we grew, the more intense life became. Especially during our final semesters, our friendship drained more life out of me than I could acknowledge at the time. Looking back at this piece, it truly came from a place of vulnerability and emotional truth; that truth being that I was in pain. I loved my friend so dearly, but I became selfish through my ‘selfless’ nature so much so that I’d drop anything to be there for them. Our delusional mindset that because we had moved away from our hometowns, our woes would, powered our toxic bond. We pretended together, that if we just made it to graduation, BFA and all, we would have figured it all out. My research will continue to reflect the ones I hold closely in my life, the day to day reality of the queer trans life that I, and so many others, live. As this work sample turns a year old, I strive to continue this reflective research in an extrapolation of my original thesis work. This would be the second time I restaged this work, the first being in Fall 2023, however this time around, I’d like to push further into a new realm of choreography and discovery.

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1:34 march 3 2024

Watched the multicam vid of my thesis without turning away and confronting the feelings I had around improving my thesis

More dance yet more specific moments without it, closer together could help with that, or using my space, maybe going closer to ladder

The specifity is rly good !! I guess  didn’t want to be specific at first, it does hurt after all the years of being flighty and unspecific

Lyrics to matter to me, the sounds, the spacing and timing, more thoughts on it more more more clear

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A joyous meal and occasional satisfaction 

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A joyous meal and occasional satisfaction 

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Even though you remember

Exactly what it looked like

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Thank goodness you’re gone! I wish all of my Zionist abusive judgmental family will rot in hell for the horrors they stood by in the name of Judaism. For the mental health crises caused by the patriarchs, for the stroke my grandpas narcissism gave my grandma, to the institutions they upheld proudly in the name of their ego whiteness and Jewish identity. But also I miss you when you were good I miss you when you were kind I miss you when you were supportive I miss you when you made me laugh and I miss only that. How did it feel to torture someone else ? Good? Awe that’s awesome! I can only say these things bc I know I’ve done them to, followed in your footsteps ofc. I’ve been racist homophobic xenophobic and transphobic because of me, because I chose to follow your hatred. Of course I was under the age of 18 for 99.9% of those subconsciously motivated evils. The rest micro aggressive maligned ignorant actions the average white closeted art school student makes! Ten lashes per year spent in hell. Not too bad considering how many you’ll get —- yikes!!! You did your best but how many times have you made me to believe this? was it the time you pried my gender identity out of me just to cry about hard it was to raise children? Orrrrr the other times  I’ve opened up to you about the true affect our family has had on my ability to function and the resulting guilt trip? Oh you don’t remember right right. That’s not okay. :)

Well the next time a stranger kisses me on the head, or someone I trust coerces me, a coworker disrespects me and corners me, or I’m considering killing myself, I’ll give you a call so you can add your two cents on why I should suffer just that much more at the hands of my own choices (bc all of it’s my fault anyways)

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Limp, limpdickies/dick

Snotbrain

Booger fart

BoyBoy3

Shoshibot

Dj shussh

Dj lil Awesomeguy

Soap bar/soapy/barsoap

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I need to stare at myself in the mirror about this

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I need to stare at myself in the mirror about this

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Went to the bathroom for 10ish minutes and let the pulsing happen

Like if I don’t slow it down sometimes so the pulsing is all I hear and feel I jus can’t live

Like I haven’t been living or breathing I keep forgetting

Dont gokissing me on the head penis you deserve the guillotine including me bc I have a shoshinis shishi penis shosh nis

You don’t seem like yourself today baby

Girl go put the meat back in the walk in and do your damb job da fuck

You don’t KNOW ME

Waittttttt also my eyes hurt so maybe I saw god too much in dreams, yk the dream where my childhood friend CANCELED me

And then the one where I stabbed my roommate bc she pranked me

The bubble machine stealer isn’t real he can’t hurt you and

One beer WILL heart you hurt you

Omfgmggmmgmg crunchyyy

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I have been waiting for this moment to be humbled ❤️

My personality has been tied to these dam bangs for four fuckinf ywars

I have opened the space for you to cut ur hair (if I haven’t already say “I now open the space for you to cut ur own hair or have someone else cut it for u”)

We are more thang bangs !!!!!!!!!

We are more than reaching our hairy youngins to wax their lip!!

How do we know when we’re playing and when  we’re fo real, I’m fo real player

A clod of earth

Bad stand up jokes, include embarrassing stories about puberty as I celebrate second puberty, sound a bell with each new phase and start off with the stand up jokes to ease into the surreal ness of inviting people over to shave ur head

Meal style like Passover, taking themes from Purim Passover and Easter

Give slips to ppl telling them if their Judas/haman or not (have to give to Sean) Judas/haman gets to take shave

Easter basket filled with something weird

I wish I could include Ramadan but sadly neither me nor sol have experience with the holiday, here is a statement reminding all that we wish we could have included it and its importance in this satirical performance/discussion/piece

Mirror from bedroom

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Dnb breakcore, basketball game sounds, loud fan, distant sounds of busy restaurant

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Dnb breakcore, basketball game sounds, loud fan, distant sounds of busy restaurant

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Ambient noise of the workplace

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Maybe I’m tryna to have a father and mother figure replacing the father and mother through relationships with men and avoiding relationships with my mother the only way Ik how to approach the two genders and trans ppl always give off that same energy that I felt growing up except when they start acting out cis trauma

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I believed and today came

After a night so cold

Yellow toes in Christmas socks

I broke my zipper in my sleep

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So gay gay

Breaking up cove oh no!

Feeling like a twink boo hoo

drunk in bk

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Since my grandmas funeral

Yesterday was a week actually

A week from such a triggering day, family seeing each other again after a long time and much feeling of contempt

I recounted the events to my therapist and found myself grasping for air, pushing the words out like the vomit that I wishedi didn’t push down, that I should let out

Its hard enough to even feel let alone speak, speaking I’ve worked on for years yet neglected the feelings part, turned it into a codified skill a targeted attack channeled through mazes I built to hide that I’m rly jus sad and pretend that it’s cool and that my words didn’t travel through years of telling myself to shut the fuck up

My stomach jus got so bad again which is trggieng a lot for me, all of the eating and stomach problems that came from those family dinners, land mines mindlessly placed by each adult at that table to make you feel jus the right amount of hatred for yourself than you internalized it til the next time someone pushed me over the edge, til the next time the feeling made it out the maze of words til my cup runneth over I suppose I should say. Period, I’ll make this gramatically correct for you mommy cunt

So mad so upset so confused and sad frustrated and hopeless filled to the brim with feeling I’m so over out under behind beneath above

unfinished instagram post

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Remembering my dear grandma Naomi, it’s been a week since she passed. Our time spent in New York, letting me eat pancakes at the dinner even if my parents didn’t let me. Watching the thanksgiving parade the next day and celebrating her birthday, usually falling on the same day or days close to thanksgiving. This ritual, every other year, spending time in the city on Thanksgiving was one I looked forward to. The less exciting years spent at their home in Ardsley were still fun nonetheless. I remember my first time going to the Wegmans near their house and loving the whimsy of its mid 2000s-2010s design. I always picked up on the design choices, especially in their home. The guest room that felt just like the one of the boat they used to own. The whicker chair I sat on in the tv room. The great artwork and furniture in their living room next to large window sheltered by the big bushes outside. Though a far drive, I do remember our trips there fondly.

Hearing of my grandmothers first stroke was terrifying, mid high school, I barely knew what it meant. Visiting her in the rehab facility for the first thanksgiving/ birthday post stroke was heavy. Every time after, the visits mimicked this same intensity first felt. They moved out their beloved home to a place better suited for my grandmothers needs. Most visits I remember her crying trying to communicate with us about her memories or just a contribution to the conversation. A stroke will do horrible things to a persons brain, I wished it had never happened to her. One visit, she asked me what show I liked st the moment and we watched the first episode of Euphoria. The comedy of it all, my grandmother and I sitting silently watching the most vulgar show I can think of! She didn’t care anyways , from what I remember I think she may have even drifted asleep.

I grew scared of life, as well all did, the years following her first stroke. A woman we all loved deeply, sharp and stoic, great with numbers and a marvelous parent, her mental state diminished by her body’s attack on itself. Heartbreaking to see it happen to someone you love, but even more so, terrifying to imagine, what if that was me? We all take for granted how privileged we are to be able bodied able minded, society takes control of those who don’t fit that mold and still, toss them away! My grandfather, in the modest yet privileged state he lived in, wasn’t even able to get an aid until a year or so ago. No matter who we are, we will stride slowly towards the same fate my grandmother met. Unable to communicate just how miserable and in pain we are because our words have been taken from us, our bodies have been destroyed, and with that so is eveyrthing and everyone around us.

With great disdain, I must bring up Israel, the place my grandparents met. They are part of this monstrosity filled society we live and work for. And my grandma is a perfect example of why it isn’t sustainable, we will never thrive as people under it. I grew up a Jewish young woman, just like her. I remember the pressure to marry Jewish, go on birthright, contribute to Jewish culture, give back even!!! This false idea of what Zionism has provided Jews for so long, being just another prank from white supremacy. In the end, we aren’t even safe!!!!!!!!! Holocaust survivors receive just as little support as the veterans who live on the streets and in squalor, yet again tossed aside for they serve no purpose towards capitalism. We should revolt.

I am angry! I thought to myself at her funeral , you deserved so so much more. Survivor of both polio and uterine cancer, mother of three children, child of escaped Estonian immigrant whose family was murfered by anti semites. She should not have been described as the quiet wife in the shadow of her husband, her story deserved to be told just as much as her male counterparts. She was a person with worth, worth that diminished as such her cognitive abilities. Reflected in every interaction I had with her as a child, she may have spoken with me but I mostly remember times with my grandpa. He took the reins , his voice was CERTAINLY heard, his laughter echoed, his feelings lamented as he teary eyed explained his love for family. Where was she? Left to her devices, quietly struggling, until her body said no more, you should not live if you do not possess worth, society will deem you irrelevant anyways.

I listened to a song I heard many years in a row at the Plays in the park showing of Joseph and tbe Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat my grandparents took us to in New Brunswick. any dream will do. Its lyrics moved me as a child and continue to move me now.

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Standstill rack made to look like curtainned entrance , Joseph reference, steps through with eyes closing someone is weeping in far off distance, they slowly open eyes as they’ve slowly entered and once fully opened , realized fully and certainly about whatever is making the person weep, they put on their jacket lights sparkles multicolor and head towards…. The east, dawn is breaking world is waking they go towards their goals

Crash of drums flash of light their jacket is stolen, stage is emptied: solo

Beginning again, more disheveled less certain hesitant, dreaming to cope dreaming to escape, escaping won’t fix it all, only five space and time to learn

Crashing of drums and flashing of lights jacket stealing important

Colors fading in and out of complete darkness and sparkling bright lights

Lights dimming dreams crushing , waiting for the dreams to come true is jus like how you feel after you’ve chased that dream , chasing and chasing hope

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When I die, the only people invited are strangers. My family gets to decide one thing about me and my life to inform the strangers of. Then they all write eulogies based on what they think I would’ve been like to llove and have in their life. Maybe the only know my name or the color of my hair or my favorite food … whatever it may be. No loved ones get to see me off.

The almighty dollar

Steve never left, don’t you see him

The light is dimming, may I return?

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Fuzzy angsty furry staticky sticky smelly poignant 

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Fuzzy angsty furry staticky sticky smelly poignant 

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Working in a state of fear crying underwater

Big piano tall hands

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The last 30 seconds of that song you showed me when we first met

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The last 30 seconds of that song you showed me when we first met

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Short and sweet, bittersweet just like our relationship

Feels like it could last forever but it never could have never will

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“Title: "Blossoming In and Out"

Description:

"Blossoming In and Out" is a multi-sensory performance art piece that explores the journey of self-discovery, embracing uniqueness, and breaking free from the cocoon of conformity. The narrative is woven through dance, music, and visual elements, creating a surreal and thought-provoking experience for the audience.

Lights:

The lighting design transitions from the isolation of individual spotlights to vibrant, mixed colors representing self-expression and diversity. Floor lights symbolize the grounding of identity, while movie-inspired lighting sets the tone for different emotional landscapes.

Costumes:

Performers wear a mix of unconventional outfits, incorporating elements like giant comforters, funky hats, and symbolic accessories like crowns and goggles. Each costume reflects the journey of self-discovery and acceptance.

Music:

The eclectic soundtrack features "Urchin" by Arca, creating a dynamic atmosphere. The music shifts from energetic and playful tunes during moments of self-discovery to contemplative and ambient tracks during introspective scenes.

Movement Ideas:

Dancers engage in diverse movements, from partnering with unfamiliar dancers to dancing with earbuds, symbolizing the individuality of their experiences. The choreography includes elements like folded-up trans flags, symbolizing resilience, and a solo inspired by the vulnerability of coming out.

Ending Scene:

The performance concludes with a powerful group lift, symbolizing collective support. As one performer is slowly let down, others grieve in a tribal-like ritual, echoing the journey of self-discovery and transformation. The finale pays homage to the resilience and strength found in vulnerability.

Visual Elements:

Throughout the performance, visuals include snippets of scenes inspired by TikToks, micro photography of blood, and even moments of smashing a symbolic "Tony computer" with a baseball bat. These visuals serve as metaphors for breaking free from societal expectations and embracing individuality.

Narrative Thread:

The narrative weaves through moments of vulnerability, self-doubt, and ultimately self-acceptance. The incorporation of spoken word, inspired by the writing provided, adds depth to the performance, exploring the themes of visibility, uniqueness, and the desire to be seen authentically.

Overall, "Blossoming In and Out" invites the audience to contemplate the complexity of identity, the courage required to be authentic, and the celebration of diversity within the human experience.”

“"Blossoming In and Out" incorporates a structured and intricate movement vocabulary, emphasizing partnering moments to explore the dynamics of relationships and the complexity of self-discovery.

Prologue: "Visible Fragments"

A solo dancer moves in fragmented patterns, symbolizing the struggle for visibility. As the dance unfolds, fragments gradually come together to form a coherent whole.

Act I: "Duet of Identities"

The central ladder becomes a focal point for partnering duets. Each additional dancer engages in a duet with the ladder and another performer, symbolizing the intertwining of personal and external influences on identity.

Interlude: "Mirror Duets"

Dancers engage in mirrored duets, using the reflective surface of the ladder. Partnering moments emphasize the dialogue between inner and outer selves, creating a visually captivating reflection.

Act II: "Pas de Deux Metamorphosis"

The ballet solo on pointe transforms into pas de deux moments with partnering. The ladder serves as a partner, representing the challenges and support found in the journey of self-discovery.

Midpoint: "Colliding Perspectives in Trio"

The six additional dancers engage in trio sequences, exploring the collision and harmony of perspectives. Partnering moments reveal the interconnectedness of identities within the group.

Act III: "Collective Resilience Quartet"

The performance transitions into quartet sequences, emphasizing structured partnering moments that symbolize collective resilience. Dancers support each other, using the ladder as a shared anchor.

Climax: "Ascending Unity Ensemble"

The entire ensemble engages in structured partnering, creating a dynamic sequence around the ladder. Lifts and intricate partnering moments emphasize unity and shared strength, visually portraying the complexity of self-acceptance.

Finale: "Blooms of Connection"

The finale features a structured ensemble piece with moments of partnering. Dancers create visually stunning patterns, symbolizing the interconnectedness of individual journeys. The ladder becomes a central point for collective expression.

This structured approach to movement and partnering moments adds a layer of sophistication to "Blossoming In and Out," highlighting the intricacies of relationships, both with oneself and others, within the context of the journey towards authenticity”

“"Blossoming In and Out" embraces the complexity of technology, blurring the boundaries between reality and the virtual realm. The incorporation of augmented reality, holography, and artificial intelligence creates an avant-garde performance art piece that challenges perceptions and offers a truly immersive experience.”

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Please don’t forget we are a lovely family with lovely memories!!!!!!! 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊

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Please don’t forget we are a lovely family with lovely memories!!!!!!! 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊

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It only took five hours to get to my grandmas house. A drive I often didn’t mind. Whether we were there to stay a few days, or for an insignificant birthday, I enjoyed leaving town. Something about how clean and compact the space was, yet I never got bored of exploring every corner. I like how my grandma called my grandpa Irving sometimes, her brothers name or something, even though his actual name was Louie. It was weird and made me giggle. She was always up early like my dad and I, restlessly preparing breakfast for everyone. I didn’t know until later how and why she was like that, even until she got so old she was doing it after having gotten any sleep and could barely stand because of her back. It was mostly carpeted in a real retro way, fake fireplace that I adored, weird tchotchkes like a glass egg shaped thing, chocolates with foil painted like a soccer ball. I loved soccer as a kid I was super active, my grandpa and I definitely talked about it but I don’t remember that much from then. We were there under obligation mostly, but I did and have continued to find a way to enjoy myself. Fascinating how that becomes harder the more distance you put between the people who caused that habit to form. Humans aren’t really meant to switch from survival mode to relaxing mode easily, it’s in our blood to survive.

My sister and I would endlessly run around and play in my grandparents basement too. It was cement black top sort of unfinished floor with strange lighting and tons of boxes of crap my grandma gathered from working at the local theatre. There were also tons of family photo albums and old clothes, yet it was organized pretty well. Probably thanks to my mom of course. My mom professionally organized during a majority of my early childhood, only occasionally did she do some work at inner city schools related to curriculum or some shit. Eventually she became a teacher when I was in middle school, detrimental to me really.

I’ve always been extremely sensitive to academic pressure, being adhd as fuck. It’s not even that hard have adhd actually I just do what I want when I want and it’s extremely counterintuitive to the way an average school in north Jersey works. Even the so called progressive performing arts high school I was gleefully accepted to. But anyways, it was really tough when my mom became a teacher because of this lovely trait I possessed (incompetency in school)

Not only was it hard enough to be a student in the terms of completing work, but I had so much trouble socializing with ease. And of course my mother’s perception of her students didn’t translate when I needed support. She didn’t know how to work with me, I wanted to share but didn’t want advice, I was touchy but very mean, non communicative

Baby carrot

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If I imagine a performance the first thought is me screaming my name saying my name desperately like over and over again on some stage intimate but spacious in the audience, dark light dramatic yu can’t rly see me it’s a pure performance of the fave since that’s all I have left sometimes my knowledge of my body has receded so much that I don’t even feel the skin on my face I used to be able to control muscles to deeply but never enough to the point where I could’ve made it, it did take great focus but that focus killed me now I just focus on healing if I ever want to be knowledgeable again I think it’s possible but it’ll take seriousness ab care ab my craft ab my performance I will scream my name over and over to remind myself I am here whether I like it or not and I will like it bc I want to be I want to exist I cannot keep trying to choose not existing that’s not possible even if I died my memory would live on in some way shape or form in ppls minds til they die in records until they are erased in molecules even after the sun explodes and separates them amongst different universes I’ll still be there

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May your French onion slurping

Just under 6 foot standing

Rotting ass

Consume me

Giddy with desire for your sticky skin

The sheen of handsome still shining through

No matter how little baths mommy has given you

Yea I’ll let you break my back while you almost pass out from the shower water

But the absence of hairbrushes and reciprocation will keep me

At a distance

Just enough

That the intimacy idles at puppy love

Scratch that

Break my back and pass out from steam

Yellow intimacy smoothing soothing

Cut and dried like the tomatoes I’ll never taste

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I know when the bristles are exhausted

It’s easy to be in tune with their energy when it’s my weapon of choice

I’m so damn good at cleaning

Just me and some soap and my broom and we can do anything

We can clean whatever we want

I know when the bristles are exhausted

I will sleep when it’s time to replace them with new

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I’m jus in my house sitting on the bathroom floor

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I’m jus in my house sitting on the bathroom floor

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Polarities

Life is about polarities existence is being polar and dichotomous

Moving in and out of parallels

Being contradictory

We are encouraged to be free but on it within terms set by contrasting structures of governing white people

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Observe and draw/write!

Doesn’t need to make sense

Person moving can be as slow or fast/ as dynamic or stagnant/ as technical or loose as needed!

Where are we? Set the scene

are we on earth? Are we on another planet?

Are we in the same universe?

What color is the sky? Is it day or night?

Are there trees around? Build the landscape

Who is the being we are observing? Come up with a name

How many legs/ arms/ eyes/ hands/ feet/ heads do they have? Keep it simple or make it extravagant

Are they from here or are they visiting?

Why are they here? Do they have a family?

Are their friends here? WHO and why

What’s the story? Do they have plans for the day?start building a narrative

Continue building the scene around them, include other characters if u want

What’s the climax of the story? What’s the end? Beginning middle and end, does it exist in ur writing/srawings? Is it non linear non narrative? Stubborn devotion to structure or complete abandon!? U decide

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When Sarah Gorman was in trouble, they’d call her little miss, it was a nickname rather kind  compared to the superficial sweety I got after a lengthy half year of disassociating from family troubles 

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When Sarah Gorman was in trouble, they’d call her little miss, it was a nickname rather kind  compared to the superficial sweety I got after a lengthy half year of disassociating from family troubles 

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Transactional relationships: the nj Jew community

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The luck of a liar

Nothing October!

Didn’t blissfully mean harshness

Cruelty was intent

Coarse coercion in the prairie

Sissy henkshaw makes it known

How to know you are a boy

This happens when you have nothing to say

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Jellybeans letter to sissy….

How she perceived her impact on the ranch and how they think of sissy as someone who is so on top of stuff she can’t possibly be unhappy

Idk why this struck a chord with me maybe it was the way jellybean described the ranch “…spring sunshine I see my shadows against the grass and I swear that shadow extends far beyond…this world. It’s like my life is sparkling in every direction, through all of space and all of time. “

Her freedom and sense of unbreakable autonomy and love for womanhood, comemmorizing her time with someone she loves and admired deeply, even if not in a totally romantic way now but once held romantically

Just beautiful to think about how people have admired me and shared their love for me as of late

I wish I was more capable of accepting it

I thin it’s bc I drain all of my joy into other people and wonder why they admire me so much when it’s because I do really give to everyone I do too much because I think everyone else deserves happiness but myself and Ik every time I acknowledge that I just get so so sad and don’t know what to do bc that’s been my issue for a while esp while living at home

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Idol check in

Doll

Yk what I mean

😢 body hurts so much Wtf is wrong wit me I feel like I’m rly hungry maybe but like when I’m tired I’m not jus tired I’m sick and in pain and tired and it won’t go away and it’s unbearable and idk why no one else Ik feels this way bc I’m so so so sick feeling but I keep telling myself to stop reeLzikfn I’m feeling that way so I don’t have to leave my obligations behind

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Looping of the ladder and the repetitive movement

Shadow play wit Olivia willow and Meg

Dark lighting not well lit but u can see what u need to see

Versaille crawling to the light and commanding an end

Hesitation

Finishing what I started but without ease

Ladders being superstitious and big thing in my life, climbing a ladder for photo stuff climbing social ladder

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Viewing from the side of a long room on the short side, inspired because I was watching Sara’s class from the left side of 205 by the windows facing walnut

Music playing from other room

Different sound playing over sound speakers

Dancers jus going up and doing from the floor rolling up and accelerating down you watch them from the side on the ground

Occasionally over the speaker a glitch zap sound shocks everyone no matter where they are they fall to the ground then start over like nothing happened

Pretend they’re marking some invisible combo and do the dancer thing when they need to move back to the other side of the room bc they’ve marked the combo into the wall and there’s no space anymore also marking like they know it and or they are truly learning it