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A mental illness is a constant, everyday struggle, and finding identity and control within that struggle is difficult. When John Green writes about his main character, Aza Holmes, who has OCD, we are never actually told what her illness is. We just witness her daily—more like hourly—struggle with the characteristic intrusive thoughts that the illness torments her with. We see how her search for an end to those thoughts send her into a spiral of trying to find her true self. We also experience what it's like for Aza to  constantly struggle sorting through what's part of her "self" and what isn't, all the while tryng to keep up with her life around her.

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This songs connects to the theme I collected from Turtles All The Way Down, because Rihanna's lyrics about obsessing over a boy to the point where someone needs to help her because of it being unhealthy is exactly like Aza's experience with OCD. They both share a lack of ability to control the obsessions, and it is a non-stop struggle. For example, in Turtles All The Way Down, John Green writes, "I couldn't stop myself from taking out my phone and rereading the horror story that is the "Human Microbiota" Wikipedia article." This inability to control her obsessions and compulsions is similar to Rihanna's nonstop thoughts of the boy in her song, and it relates to the theme, because it illustrates a never-ending struggle for control of Aza's actions.

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In this example, I'm using a clip from Pixar's Inside Out, but instead of the obvious with Riley being Aza and the emotions being her thoughts, I'm using Aza as the emotions and her thoughts as Riley, since they seem like they have a mind of their own. In this example, the emotion characters, similar to Aza's daily life, are struggling to have control over the situation, and Anger, like Aza, eventually spirals out of control trying to fix it. This clip is similar to in Turtles All The Way Down when John Green writes, "A thought occurred to me: His tongue has been in my mouth... It's fine you're fine just kiss him you need to check something it’s fine just be normal check to see if his microbes stay in you billions of people kiss and don’t die just make sure his microbes aren’t going to permanently colonize you come on please stop this he could have campylobacter he could be a non symptomatic E. coli carrier get that and you’ll need antibiotics and then you’ll get C. diff and boom dead in four days please stop just kiss him JUST CHECK TO MAKE SURE. I pull away." This is just one instance where Aza's mental illness has her struggling for control over the situation, just like the emotions' struggle in this clip.

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This is a from a 2012 movie, which I found out about because Emma Watson was costarring, but it reminded me of a very intense moment in Turtles All The Way Down.  In this clip, Charlie is in the midst of a mental breakdown from his depression, which sent him to the hospital. This was just like how Aza got really bad and pretty much had a mental breakdown when she was IN the hospital.  From this part in Turtles All The Way Down, John green writes, "The full panic gripped me. See the hand sanitizer mounted on the wall near the door. It’s the only way that’s stupid if it worked alcoholics would be the healthiest people in the world you’re just going to sanitize your hands and your mouth please stop think about something else stand up I HATE BEING STUCK INSIDE YOU…do you want to die of this do you want to die of this because you will you will you will you will you will you will. I pulled myself to standing." I didn't quote the whole two-page-long internal battle / break down, but from the beginning and the end you can see how Aza'a mental illness, just like Charlie's, had her struggling for control and her identity as far as which part was herself and which part was the disease.

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"I'm always amazed                          how you stand so very tall,                     how you never give in.                     You bend, but do not fall."                                                                                                                                                                 -Paul Holmes

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"I'm always amazed                          how you stand so very tall,                     how you never give in.                     You bend, but do not fall."                                                                                                                                                                 -Paul Holmes

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This grabbed my attention, because I thought it was interesting how Aza and Paul shared the same last names. Then, I noticed how much it truly relates to Turtles All The Way Down and its theme that I've picked out. We know that mental illness is a constant, daily / hourly struggle for main character Aza Holmes, and this poem beautifully demonstrates how people with these illnesses have to pick themselves up and deal with their illness, because it is a part of their identity. They, just like Aza, might not always have control over what they have, but the most important part is that they get back up and continue to move along, since it is something inside of themselves.

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"I am terrified by this dark                         thing that sleeps in me."                                                                                                                                                                                                       -Sylvia Plath

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"I am terrified by this dark                         thing that sleeps in me."                                                                                                                                                                                                       -Sylvia Plath

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This poem by Sylvia Plath not only reminds me of Aza (since she's always nervous about her intrusive thoughts and that she might do something terrible because of them), but it also relates to our theme. People with mental illnesses are often scared of the thing they're fighting, because (especially in Aza's case) they don't know how to control it. And, more specifically in this poet's case, have to consciously keep that part separate from their identity, which they are lucky to find at all. I know that at least with Aza it's difficult for her to find her true self under everything inside her head, so for Sylvia to at least be able to put a box around what's not a part of herself is an accomplishment.

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In this Netflix Original Series, we are introduced to a character, named Jessica Jones, who struggles with PTSD from when she was little. This started after a person, named Purple Man, came to her home, locked her in a closet, and tormented her with other things. Now, years after that happened, Jessica still struggles with PTSD from that man and everything he's been "making her" do. For Jessica, just like with Aza, it feels like there is no escape. Nowhere to turn to. Nowhere to go, because the problem isn't an outside object to walk away from. The "problem" comes from within. This is why, relating back to our theme, mental illness is such a constant struggle for so many people: because there is no obvious escape.

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Marvel's Jessica Jones | Official Trailer [HD] | Netflix

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In this song, Halsey is singing about how she has "demons" inside of her and is at a lack of control over her thoughts in her head and her actions. This reminds me of Aza, because there were multiple times in Turtles All The Way Down where she referred to her thoughts as if they were something that haunted her. This is just like Halsey's "demons," and both Halsey's and Aza's lack of control over them are what really relate to the theme here. Mental illness in both of these girls is something they struggle to have control over and its effecting their everyday lives.

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Matchstick Men (2002) - Roy's Break Down

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Matchstick Men (2002) - Roy's Break Down

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This movie from 2002 stars Roy, a depressed con artist with obsessive-compulsive disorder. In this clip we see Roy freak out when his typical compulsions, which include taking off shoes when coming into the house, are set aside by his friend, Frank. When Frank wore his shoes inside and dropped his food crumbs on the floor, Roy flipped out, because that meant the space wasn't clean. This instantly reminded me of Aza, because she can't stand when things aren't clean, more particularly things inside of her body, but also how many germs are on objects around her. This relates to the theme of Turtles All The Way Down, because it shows us how out of control the situation can get when in the midst of an attack like this. I'm sure really, deep down inside, it wasn't a big deal to Roy that crumbs got on the floor, but like Aza, Roy can't really control his thoughts, and when the thoughts take over, control is a very hard thing to come by.

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Matchstick Men (3/10) Movie CLIP - Panic Attack (2003) HD

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Matchstick Men movie clips: http://j.mp/1zoVI6z BUY THE MOVIE: http://j.mp/NUv1iY Don't miss the HOTTEST NEW TRAILERS: http://bit.ly/1u2y6pr CLIP DESCRIPTION: After he accidentally drops his medication down a drain, Roy (Nicolas Cage) suffers due to the effects of his anxiety disorder. FILM DESCRIPTION: Ridley Scott directs the crime comedy Matchstick Men, based on the novel of the same name by Eric Garcia.

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This is judge / comedian Howie Mandel from America's Got Talent. He's had OCD his whole life, and just like Aza, he struggles with germs, though not in this clip. In this clip, Howie is seen trying to hit a certain number on his step counter in the middle of The Ellen Show. I picked this clip for my connection, because I think it really goes to show how never-ending OCD is. Just like how Aza couldn't turn off her intrusive thoughts to kiss David (look at the quote from the Inside out post), Howie couldn't turn his off for Ellen. Instead, he had to work with the illness to gain some element of control back into his life, which as we know from Turtles All The Way Down and all of these connections, can be difficult.

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This poem by Neil Hilborn, performed aloud in this video, truly brought to mind how much of a constant struggle mental illness—more specifically OCD—is and how there is no escape even in this video. This reminds us, just like with what John Green writes in Turtles All The Way Down when Aza has to know all about how many germs are in what, how the fight for control over the illness is a battle that never ends.

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Poema sobre o amor de um homem com transtorno obsessivo compulsivo (TOC). Legendado. O poeta Neil Hilborn, que faz parte do grupo Button Poetry, apresentou o texto OCD obsessive compulsive disorder, ou em português Transtorno obsessivo-compulsivo (TOC). O TOC é um distúrbio psiquiátrico de ansiedade que tem como característica a presença de crises de obsessões e compulsões.