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College orientations for parents help ease separation pains - The Boston Globe

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College orientations for parents help ease separation pains - The Boston Globe

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College orientation is a rite of passage for freshmen, a time to savor the first taste of independence. But the tradition is not just for students anymore.

Special orientations for parents, once a rarity, have in recent years become common on campuses.

"A lot of parents are living their lives through their children," said the Rev. Joseph Marchese, Boston College's orientation program director.

The one- or multi-day events for parents, held mostly in June and July, allow colleges to cover issues students tend to ignore during their own orientations, such as academic expectations. But some administrators say the sessions also help overinvolved, or "helicopter," parents who might be having difficulty letting go, particularly amid increased concern over issues like school shootings, sexual assaults, and dangerous party and study drugs.

Boston College recently held an elaborate orientation for parents that spanned three days, five campus venues, and several meals - along with a wine and cheese reception.

Speakers assured parents their sons and daughters will be fine, telling anxious adults to essentially back off - don't call, text, visit, e-mail, or post on their child's Facebook page so often.

"Your kids, over the next four years, need you to be there for them and listen to them - not to judge them," motivational speaker Norm Bossio told the 500-plus parents gathered in BC's Robsham Theater. "You've worked hard to get here. Don't wreck this by being a nervous wreck."

He segued between jokes and heartfelt anecdotes, which caused some parents to well up.

One BC parent at the session, Joe Castro, said it's difficult not to worry about the safety and general well-being of his daughter, Emily.

"She's going to be all out on her own,'' said Castro, of Weston, Conn. "I'm close with my daughter. I told her that when I'm driving home after I drop her off, I'm sure I'll be bawling my eyes out."

He sees a dramatic shift in the 30 years since he was in college.

"My parents came up to drop me off and said, 'See you later,' and that was it," he said. "But I think during this orientation they lay everything out . . . and get rid of your fears. They've convinced us, 'Don't worry, they're in good hands.' "

Parent orientations were virtually nonexistent a generation ago.

Now, more than 90 percent of campuses offer such programming, according to a 2011 National Orientation Directors Association survey of 200-plus schools nationwide. Attendance rates are high, between 80 and 90 percent.

While BC essentially implores parents - particularly the incessant worriers - to simply let go, other colleges encourage them to maintain a closer level of involvement.

For years, Brandeis University administrators told parents to "detach as rapidly as possible," said Andrew Flagel, senior vice president for students and enrollment at the college.

But he said Brandeis - which ends its orientation by bringing parents to a room stocked with wine and tissues for emotional mothers and fathers - has changed its tune in recent years.

"The concept of keeping parents at arm's length can become very unproductive," Flagel said. "In an age of digital technology and social media, that process of parents and students communicating back and forth is very positive."

"Parents feel like they are a part of what's going on at campus. That's not helicoptering, that's just being proud of what their child is doing," he added. "My advice is to keep being the kind of parent you most want to be."

Becker and Emmanuel colleges and Suffolk and Lesley universities, also have retreated somewhat recently from emphasizing "letting go."

"We're not saying do it all for your child, but here's how to help your child do it for themselves," said Joe Onofrietti, Emmanuel's dean of students.

Suffolk orientation director Patrick Heaton said he distributes his phone number during parent orientation, a two-day affair that includes lunch with faculty, a campus tour, and a "Telling It Like It Is" student panel. He said he welcomes their calls.

If a mother, for example, called saying she hadn't heard from her child a while, Heaton might tell the student: "Your mom called, she's worried, you don't have to have a long conversation. But shoot her an e-mail. Let her know you're eating and you're OK."

But like BC, other colleges, including Holy Cross and Wheelock, say their overall message to parents is give their freshmen space.

Bryan McGrath, assistant dean of students at Wheelock, said some parents gasp when administrators advise them to wait six weeks after school begins before visiting their child or having them come home.

Holding student and parent orientations simultaneously can help ease the pain of the impending separation.

Remy Fischer, a Barrington, R.I., native who recently attended orientation at BC along with her parents, Ted and Lisa, said: "I consider myself very close with my parents. We have a tightknit relationship. But I think it will be a good experience. I feel like I'm ready,''

Plus, she is not the family's first child to go away to college.

"Our parents will give us advice, but they won't tell us what to do," Fischer said.

Boston College's Marchese says much the same thing, although he frames it a bit differently. College, he said, is the "beginning of our identity and asking those big questions about ourselves - who are we called to be. Let the students involve themselves in that process. Don't construct a life for them."

Related:

* 'Snowplow parents' overly involved in college students' lives

* Parents get competitive on college

* Summer fun takes a back seat to college resume-building

* A student's take on learning the true cost of college

Matt Rocheleau can be reached at matthew.rocheleau @globe.com.

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College orientations for parents help ease separation pains - The Boston Globe

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College orientation is a rite of passage for freshmen, a time to savor the first taste of independence, make new friends, and scope out the best places to study, eat, and socialize for the next four years. But it's not just for students anymore: Special orientations for parents, once a rarity, have become commonplace on college campuses.

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A commuter student's guide to the college galaxy | Campus Life News for College Students | USA TODAY College

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A commuter student's guide to the college galaxy | Campus Life News for College Students | USA TODAY College

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My first year of college I felt a little offended whenever I heard the phrase, "Welcome to your new home for the next four years."

Not that I don't appreciate a good greeting, but as a commuter I felt a little lumped into the majority. A majority ruled by freshmen living on campus while I, however, lived far from it. Considering over 30 percent commute to my college each year, I felt this assumption that all freshmen move into traditional dorms was slightly misconstrued.

So, what about the rest of us? From experience, I can tell you that it's not easy getting involved when you're far from the action, but it certainly isn't impossible.

Apart from being a regular commuter who lived off campus freshman year, I had an even bigger obstacle: Living with my mom. Believe me, the last thing I wanted to do when my freedom finally came last summer was stay at home. But, being from a college town, it was hard to justify turning down free room and board while attending a university on a college budget. For a while, I moped at all my former peers Facebook statuses about "getting out of this town" and wondered why that couldn't be me.

It didn't take long for me to realize that self-pity isn't productive, so I became determined to make the best out of a tough situation and make lemonade out of the lemons I was given. And if you're in the same boat, or even if you simply live away from campus, here are some ways to overcome limitations and have a social life.
1. If you live at home, set boundaries with your parents
Unless you find yourself playing drinking games with your parents every Friday, you may want to negotiate some boundaries. First of all, I can tell you that your only remedy for tackling overbearing parents is patience and a lot of rational debating. I suggest acting as courteous as a roommate or guest would and hopefully they'll do the same for you. For instance, if you're going out to a party let them know you have somewhere safe to stay ahead of time. The benefit is two-fold: it will help you build trust and avoid an awkward meeting at three in the morning.
2. Get involved with student organizations
Simply put, the best way to establish any kind of social circle is to surround yourself with people who share your interests. Now, this doesn't mean you have to go crazy and join every student-ran club; just get involved with one or two you're passionate about.

"Don't be worried about trying new organizations the first semester because even students living on campus are all in the same boat as you - looking to be involved, wanting to make friends and looking to create a new home for themselves," Patrick Heaton, Florida State University assistant dean of students and director of new student and family programs, said.

So keep an eye out, the signs and e-mail sign-ups are constantly circulating on message boards around campus.
3. Look for student hangouts
When you don't have the option to leave your dorm door open, you have to meet people in other ways. For commuters, it's no surprise that three popular places to meet new people are the gym, library and the campus green. Everyone gathers here, and everyone wants to make friends (either that or they just like Frisbee). Jasmyn Sanders, a fellow commuter, credits the library for helping her meet students.

"The ground floor of the library, and I don't mean the quiet part, is purely social," Sanders said. "There are times you will have to sit with people you don't know because it gets crowded and that's a great way to meet other students."

So once you meet at least one friend there, go out together. It is definitely a lot easier to make friends with someone else tagging along.
4. Get a job on campus or Rush
If you're a full-time student, you probably won't have time to juggle a job and a sorority/fraternity as a commuter. But be aware that each has its advantages: both will build your resume; rushing will help you network and socialize, and a job will fund your future pursuit to move out and become financially independent. If you can handle all of this and commute, go for both!
5. Maximize your social time on campus
To get the most out of your time on campus, space out your classes.

"Often commuters will intuitively schedule classes back-to-back in order to leave as soon as possible," Heaton said, suggesting instead to leave an hour or two in-between to explore.

The Student Union is a great place to spend that time, since unions usually give students resources and space to relax. You know those ridiculous in class, get-to-know-everyone games that make you say one interesting fact about yourself? Well, they are actually a great opportunity to discover connections with other students. Instead of saying your favorite color, advertise a favorite hobby. For example, if you're into volleyball, let everyone know if they need an intramural partner you're interested.
6. Don't pass up sports matches
If there is one event that brings all students together, it's a good football game. You can't beat tailgating and school spirit, whether you commute or not.
7. Take advantage of social media
Along with everyone else in your graduating class, you were probably invited to join a Facebook page keeping up with events. Joining this page and liking pages relating to school organizations that interest you will keep you socializing even when you aren't on campus. While on Facebook, don't be afraid to request new friends you connect with in class.
8. Keep in touch with old friends
Though they may be busy with their new lives, it's important to keep ties with people who know and love you. Take tips from their dorm life experience, Skype, and hang out with them when they come back every now and then. This is a great way to integrate elements of your new life with the old one.
9. Venture off campus to local spots
Whatever college town (or major city) you might be in, you're bound to find something suitable to your tastes. If not and you're having trouble, take a look in the arts section of your student newspaper. If you are originally from your college town like me, you can even be an ambassador for the town's best features.

"Really capitalize on the fact that you know the area, and introduce the restaurants and hangouts to other students," recommended Heaton.
10. Find your balance
The major challenge we face as commuters is that we have to decide when to get involved, not necessarily how. Figuring out when to drive back to campus after class and fighting for parking spaces are challenges that often end in frustration. You'll find however that your success really depends on how much effort you decide to commit to being involved.

Here is the bottom-line: managing schoolwork and finding time for a social life is something each student will find through trial and error, which is perfectly normal, so take pride in being a commuter. It makes you unique and I don't think anyone wants to be like everyone else. So when life gives you lemons...well, you know the rest.

Kayla Becker is a sophomore at Florida State University studying journalism, media and is a contributor for USA TODAY College. You can follow her on twitter at kaylabecker2.

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Ramsey Touchberry, University of Florida

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A commuter student's guide to the college galaxy

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My first year of college I felt a little offended whenever I heard the phrase, "Welcome to your new home for the next four years." Not that I don't appreciate a good greeting, but as a commuter I felt a little lumped into the majority.