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by Dr. Jane Nelsen

Helping children explore the consequences of their choices is much different from imposing consequences on them. Exploring invites the participation of children to think for themselves and figure out the consequences of their choice, to decide what is important to them, and how to achieve what they want. The end result is focusing on solutions to the problem instead of focusing on consequences.

Imposing consequences often invites rebellion and defensive thinking instead of explorative thinking. The key to helping children explore is to stop telling and to start asking curiosity questions.

Too often adults tell children what happened, what caused it to happen, how the child should feel about it, what the child should learn from it, and what the child should do about it. It is much more respectful and encouraging when we ask what happened, what the child thinks caused it, how the child feels about it, what the child has learned, what ideas the child has to solve the problem, or how the child can use what she has learned in the future. This is the true meaning of education, which comes from the Latin word educare', which means to draw forth. Too often adults try to stuff in instead of draw forth, and then wonder why children don't learn.

Watch this video for examples of Asking vs Telling.
Typical curiosity questions:

What were you trying to accomplish?

How do you feel about what happened?

What did you learn from this?

How can you use what you learned in the future?

What ideas do you have for solutions now?

I call these typical curiosity questions because it is important not to have a script. The point is to get into the child's world. You'll notice that "Why?" isn't one of the suggested questions. The reason is that "Why?" usually sounds accusatory and invites defensiveness. This isn't always the case. All of the questions can be asked in an accusatory tone of voice. "Why?" works when children feel that you are truly interested in their point of view.
The following guidelines will help when using curiosity questions:

1. Don't have an agenda. You aren't getting into the child's world if you have an agenda about how the child should answer these questions. That is why they are called curiosity questions.

2. Don't ask questions if either of you are upset. Wait until you are both feeling calm.

3. Ask curiosity questions from your heart. Use your wisdom to show you how to get into the child's world and show empathy and acceptance.

When the solutions come from the children, or are brainstormed together and the child chooses what will be most helpful, they learn that they can make a valuable contribution when using respectful decision-making skills. Children learn that mistakes aren't horrible if you don't beat yourself up about them and if you look at mistakes as opportunities to learn.

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by Dr. Jane Nelsen Helping children explore the consequences of their choices is much different from imposing consequences on them. Exploring invites the participation of children to think for themselves and figure out the consequences of their choice, to decide what is important to them, and how to achieve what they want.

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Excerpt from Positive Discipline Tools for Teachers

by Dr. Jane Nelsen and Dr. Kelly Gfroerer

Too often students (and adults) blame others for their feelings by saying, "You make me feel _____." This is not true. No one can make anyone else feel something. They might invite you to feel something, but you always have a choice. One way to help your students take responsibility for their feelings is by teaching the skill of using "I" messages.

Ask your students to make a list of things other people do that invite them to feel annoyed or angry (that is, what bugs them). The list might include things such as cut- ting in line, gossip, and not being invited to join a game. Let them know it is okay to exaggerate when they are brainstorming to make it more fun.

Then share an example of how to use the "I feel __________ about __________, and I wish __________" formula: "I feel hurt when you don't let me join the game, and I wish you would let me take a turn in the game." It can be helpful to role-play certain situations, such as bullying, pushing at the water fountain, or not helping to return the play equipment, to give students the opportunity to practice using "I" messages. Let them practice until they feel comfortable sharing their feelings and wishes.

Self-regulation (taking responsibility for one's feelings) is an important social and life skill. "I" messages require self-regulation, and students seem to enjoy learning this language and practicing it.

Tool in Action from London, England

About a week after teaching my tenth-grade students how to use "I" messages (I always joke with them that I don't mean messages on the iPhone), I had a student ask if he could come and speak to me about his essay grade. He came to me and said, "Ms. Marchese, I feel confused about my essay grade because I worked really hard on the assignment and I don't understand why I received such a low grade."

This was brilliant! If he had approached me with his usual tone, he might have said, "Ms. Marchese, I don't think the grade you gave me is fair!" With this approach, I would have felt inclined to defend the grade I gave him. However, because he used an "I" message and shared that he was feeling confused, I wanted to help him understand and to feel better.

We sat down for about thirty minutes and went over every part of the essay and rubric. In the end, I didn't change his grade, but he felt better knowing what he could have done to improve, and I felt like a better teacher. A win-win situation! I did compliment him on his use of "I" messages and expressed my gratitude to him for approaching me in a respectful manner.

When I teach "I" messages, I always share the example of how they may use it with their parents to discuss their curfew, such as "I feel left out because I am the only one of my friends that has to be home at eleven, and I wish that we could negotiate a later time that we can both feel okay with."

The students love this example, and many of them will go home and use it. Most of the time the students are successful at negotiating a later curfew because their parents don't get defensive, and they appreciate the positive way that their teenagers are communicating with them. When we give our students the opportunity, they show us how truly intelligent they are.

-Joy Marchese, tenth-grade teacher, American School of London, Certified Positive Discipline Trainer

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Excerpt from Positive Discipline Tools for Teachers by Dr. Jane Nelsen and Dr. Kelly Gfroerer Too often students (and adults) blame others for their feelings by saying, "You make me feel _____." This is not true. No one can make anyone else feel something.

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A foundation of Positive Discipline is to be kind and firm at the same time. Some parents are kind, but not firm. Others are firm, but not kind. Many parents vacillate between the two-being too kind until they can't stand their kids (who develop an entitlement attitude) and then being too firm until they can't stand themselves (feeling like tyrants).

Opposites Attract: When One Parent Is Kind And The Other Is Firm

It is interesting to note how often two people with opposing philosophies about kindness and firmness get married. One has a tendency to be just a little too lenient. The other has a tendency to be just a little too strict. Then the lenient parent thinks he or she needs to be more lenient to make up for the mean old strict parent. The strict parent thinks he or she needs to be more strict to make up for the wishy-washy lenient parent-so they get further and further apart and fight about who is right and who is wrong. In truth they are both wrong. The trick is to be kind and firm and the same time.

Putting kind and firm together can be a challenge for parents who have a habit of going to one extreme or the other.

The Importance of "And" In Kind and Firm

One of my favorite examples of kind and firm at the same time is, "I love you, and the answer is NO."

Other examples:

I know you don't want to stop playing (Validate Feelings), AND it is time for _____

I know you would rather watch TV than do your homework (show understanding), AND homework needs to be done first.

You don't want to brush your teeth, AND we'll do it together. Want to race? (Redirection)

I know you don't want to mow the lawn, AND what was our agreement? (Kindly and quietly wait for the answer-assuming you decided together on an agreement in advance.)

You don't want to go to bed, AND it is bedtime. Do you want one story or two stories as soon as your jammies are on? (Provide a choice?)

I know you want to keep play video games, AND your time is up. You can turn it off now, or it will be put in my closet. (A choice and then follow through by deciding what you will do.)

Kind Is Not Always Nice

The mother bird knows instinctively when it is time to push her baby bird from the nest so it will learn to fly. If we didn't know better we might think this is not very nice of the mother bird. If the baby bird could talk, it might be saying, "No. I don't want to leave the nest. Don't be so mean. That's not fair." However, we know the baby bird would not learn to fly if the mother bird did not provide that important push.

Kind is not always nice. It would be very unkind to allow her baby to be handicapped for life by pampering-an unkindness practiced by many parents today.

I think we all know the mistakes made in the name of firmness without kindness. In a word, it is punishment. However, many do not know the mistakes made in the name of kindness such as:

Pleasing

Rescuing

Over-protecting

Pampering-providing all "wants"

Micromanaging in the name of love

Giving too many choices

Making sure children never suffer

All of theses parenting methods create weakness.

You may be surprised to see, "making sure children never suffer," as a mistake in the name of kindness. The following story of the little boy and the butterfly may help you understand how rescuing children from all suffering creates weakness.

A little boy felt sorry for a butterfly struggling to emerge from its chrysalis. He decided to help so he could save the butterfly from the struggle. So he peeled the chrysalis open for the butterfly. The little boy was so excited to watch the butterfly spread its wings and fly off into the sky. Then he was horrified as he watched the butterfly drift to the ground and die because it did not have the muscle strength to keep flying.

Like the little boy, parents too often (in the name of love) want to protect their children from struggle. They don't realize that their children need to struggle, to deal with disappointment, to solve their own problems, so they can develop their emotional muscles and develop the skills necessary for the even bigger struggles they will encounter throughout their lives.

It is important that parents do not make children suffer, but sometimes it is most helpful to "allow" them to suffer with support.

For example, suppose a child "suffers" because she can't have the toy she wants. Allowing her to suffer through this experience can help her develop her resiliency muscles. She learns that she can survive the ups and downs of life-leading to a sense of capability and competency. The support part is that you validate her feelings, but avoid rescuing or lecturing.

It isn't helpful when parents engage in "piggy backing"-adding lectures, blame and shame to what the child is experiencing. "Stop crying and acting like a spoiled brat. You can't always have what you want. Do you think I'm made of money? And besides, all I got in my Christmas stocking was nuts and an orange."

Instead, parents can offer loving support. "I can see this is very upsetting to you. It can be very disappointing when we don't get what we want." Period. I say, "period," because some parents even overdo validating feelings-going on and on in the hopes that validating feelings will take away the suffering.

Validate a child's feelings and then allow her to recover from those feelings. "I can see you are very disappointed that you didn't get a better grade." Then comes the tough part-no rescuing and no lectures. Simply allow her to discover that she can get over her disappointment and figure out what might increase her chances of getting what she wants in the future.

Kindness Without Firmness Is Permissiveness

Many people who are drawn to Positive Discipline err on the side of kindness. They are against punishment, but don't realize that firmness is necessary to avoid permissiveness. Permissiveness is not healthy for children because they are likely to decide, "Love means getting others to take care of me and give me everything I want."

Have faith in your children that they can learn and grow from suffering-especially in a supportive environment. Understand that kind is not always nice, short term. True kindness and firmness together provide an environment where children can develop the "wings" they need to soar through life.

For an example of Kind and Firm, watch the video below from our friends at Sproutable.

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A foundation of Positive Discipline is to be kind and firm at the same time. Some parents are kind, but not firm. Others are firm, but not kind. Many parents vacillate between the two-being too kind until they can't stand their kids (who develop an entitlement attitude) and then being too firm until they can't stand themselves (feeling like tyrants).

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Ask, Don't Tell Activity (Curiosity Questions) 

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Ask, Don't Tell Activity (Curiosity Questions) 

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An excerpt from the book Positive Discipline The First Three Years.

This tool is also referred to as "Do vs Don't." Children under the age of three do not understand "no" in the way most parents think they do. (And, a full understanding of "no" doesn't occur magically when the child turns three. It is a developmental process.) "No" is an abstract concept that is in direct opposition to the developmental need of young children to explore their world and to develop their sense of autonomy.

Oh, your child may "know" you don't want her to do something. She may even know she will get an angry reaction from you if she does it. However, she cannot understand "why" in the way an adult thinks she can. Why else would a child look at you before doing what she "knows" she shouldn't do, grin, and do it anyway?

Around the age of one, children enter the "me do it" stage. This is when they develop a sense of autonomy vs. doubt and shame. Two through six heralds the development of a sense of initiative vs. guilt. This means it is their developmental job to explore and experiment. Can you imagine how confusing it is to children to be punished for what they are developmentally programmed to do? They are faced with a real dilemma (at a subconscious level). "Do I obey my parent or my biological drive to develop autonomy and initiative by exploring and experimenting in my world?"

These stages of development do not mean children should be allowed to do anything they want. It does explain why all methods to gain cooperation should be kind and firm at the same time instead of controlling and/or punitive. This is a time of life when your child's personality is being formed, and you want your child to make decisions about him or herself that say, "I am competent. I can try and make mistakes and learn. I am loved. I am a good person." If you are tempted to help your child learn by guilt and shame and punishment, you will be creating a discouraging situation that is difficult to reverse in adulthood.

To help a toddler develop autonomy instead of doubt and shame, and to help a two to seven-year-old develop initiative instead of guilt, try some of the following methods that invite cooperation:

1. If you are screaming, yelling, or lecturing...stop. All of these methods are disrespectful and encourage doubt, shame, and guilt in the future.

2. Instead of telling your child what to do, find ways to involve him/her in the decision so he/she gets a sense of personal power and autonomy. "What are we supposed to do next?" (For pre-verbal children say, "Next, we _____," while kindly and firmly showing them instead of telling them.)

3. Be respectful when you make requests. Don't expect children to do something "right now" when you are interrupting something they are doing. Ask, "Will it work for you to do this in five minutes or in ten minutes?" Even if you don't think a younger child understands completely what you are saying, you are training yourself to be respectful to the child by giving choices instead of commands. Another possibility is to give him/her some warning. "We need to leave in a minute. What is the last thing you want to do on the jungle gym?"

4. Carry a small timer around with you. Let your child help you set it to one or two minutes. Then let him/her put the timer in his/her pocket so he/she can be ready to go when the timer goes off.

5. Give him/her a choice that requires his/her help. "It will be time to go when I count to 20. Do you want to carry my purse to the car, or do you want to carry the car keys?" "What is the first thing we should do when we get home, put the groceries away, or read a story?"

6. Pre-verbal children might need plain ol' supervision, distraction, and redirection. In other words, as Dreikurs used to say, "Shut your mouth, and act." Quietly take your child by the hand and lead him/her to where he/she needs to go. Show him/her what he/she can do instead of what he/she can't do.

7. Use your sense of humor: "Here comes the tickle monster to get children who don't listen."

8. Be empathetic when your child cries (or has a temper tantrum) out of frustration with his/her lack of abilities. Empathy does not mean rescuing. It does mean understanding. Give your child a hug and say, "You're really upset right now. I know you want to stay, but it's time to leave." Then hold your child and let the child cry and have his/her feelings before you move on to the next activity.

9. Children usually sense when you mean it and when you don't. Don't say anything unless you mean it and can say it respectfully. Then follow through with dignity and respect-and usually without words. Again, this means redirecting or "showing" them what they can do instead of punishing them for what they can't do.

10. Create routines for every event that happens over and over: morning, bedtime, dinner, shopping, etc. Then ask your child, "What do we need to do next on our routine chart?" For children who are younger, say, "Now it's time for us to _____."

11. Understand that you may need to teach your child many things over and over before he/she is developmentally ready to understand. Be patient. Minimize your words and maximize your actions. Don't take your child's behavior personally and think your child is mad at you or bad or defiant. Remain the adult in the situation and do what needs to be done without guilt and shame.

12. Understand that your attitude determines whether or not you will create a battle ground or a kind and firm atmosphere for your child to explore and develop within appropriate boundaries.

Your job at this age is to think of yourself as a coach and help your child succeed and learn how to do things. You're also an observer, working on learning who your child is as a unique human being. Never underestimate the ability of a young child, but on the other hand, watch carefully as you introduce new opportunities and activities and see what your child is interested in, what your child can do, and what your child needs help learning from you.

Safety is a big issue at this age, and your job is to keep your child safe without letting your fears discourage him/her. For this reason, supervision is an important parenting tool, along with kindness and firmness while redirecting or teaching your child. For example, parents can "teach" a two-year-old child not to run into the street, but still would not let him/her play near a busy street unsupervised because they know they can't expect him/her to "understand" what he/she has learned well enough to have that responsibility. So why is it these same parents expect their children to "understand" when they say, "No!"

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An excerpt from the book Positive Discipline The First Three Years. This tool is also referred to as "Do vs Don't." Children under the age of three do not understand "no" in the way most parents think they do. (And, a full understanding of "no" doesn't occur magically when the child turns three.