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Leslie ❤️ my brothers best friend, sister to me.

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Leslie ❤️ my brothers best friend, sister to me.

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Knott's Berry Farm with my son and brother.

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Knott's Berry Farm with my son and brother.

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40. What can you learn from your biggest mistakes?

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40. What can you learn from your biggest mistakes?

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I learned that no one's perfect and everyone makes mistakes no matter how much they try to avoid it. My biggest mistakes can literally link straight back to who I was dating at the time. Majority of my mistakes are the men I chose to date. I would honestly believe I was not worthy of common decency and respect. I allowed so much wrong doing by my son's dad and my ex boyfriend Robert but would let it go simply because I didn't want them to leave. Since I was with my first boyfriend Juan Alfaro, 7th through 12th grade, I didn't know how to casually date. The times people would casually date in highschool, I was already in a full blown monogamous committed relationship. After we ended, I did not want to even talk to anyone because I didn't know how. The next guy I began talking to, I ended up in a 3 year relationship with him and got pregnant. So looking back I should have tried to heal my self from my 1st relationship, not because he treated me bad but because I needed to learn how to be me. I was so used to being his girlfriend that being myself and figuring out what I want was foreign to me. So since I didn't fulfill that inner self journey, I set myself up for failure. However if I would have done so, I would have never had my son. What I take from that, is I may feel like many of the things I've chosen to do in life were the wrong choice, but something good always came of it. So was it a mistake after all?

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39. What has surprised you the most about your life or life in general?

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39. What has surprised you the most about your life or life in general?

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I used to laugh at my mom when she would tell me, after highschool life goes by faster than you think. I swear when I was a teenager the days felt so long, I always thought it would be like that. But I hate to say it, my mom was right. I graduated in 2012, and my life has been going by so fast it scares me. I could have sworn I gave birth yesterday to my son, but he just turned 6. It's crazy to think my mom and dad seen me as a baby one day and in the blink of an eye I was a teenager.

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altruistic, compassionate, charismatic, loyal, open minded, protective, talkative, wild, generous, solid
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"Till the wheels fall off, then I'll walk with you"

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37. Write about your first love—whether it’s a person, place or thing.

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37. Write about your first love—whether it’s a person, place or thing.

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Juan Alfaro. I was in a relationship with him from 2007 through 2013; 7th grade through 12th. We were the cutest couple and everyone knew we were a pair. We both lost our virginity to eachother. I was close with his family; more specifically his mom and sister. I still talk to his sister often. She was the sister I never had. My family adored him also. He is still probably the funniest guy I ever met. If you were around him you would get in trouble because he would have you dying of laughter. He was very protective and had the biggest heart. He was very good looking too so there were always girls trying to get in the middle of us, but he never let them. He had so much respect for me and wouldn't do anything to hurt me. We basically grew up together. He was a big part of my life for a long time, and I don't know how it would have been if we never got together. He loved everything about me, and I loved everything about him. We didn't fight a lot which made it even better. However once we graduated, he didn't want to do anything. He was okay with being home all day doing absolutely nothing. I  did not though. I would go to college, work, and sometimes hang out with friends which he didn't like, that's when we started arguing. And that's when I began to get over him while I was with him. I felt like he was just dragging me. I cared about him still till this day. We tried to be friends after but it didn't work. I think we just grew too comfortable too young. We were head over heels in love way too early in life. I believe he showed me what love was and what it wasn't. Some call it high school sweethearts and puppy love. Whatever you may call it, I know what I felt for him was true and I'll never wish bad upon him. He'll always have a place in my heart and we'll always have our memories together from back then.

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The life I created. He came into my life when I was in a toxic relationship. Both of us were immature and not doing anything productive with our life. We fought all through my pregnancy, and sure enough, I found out he was being unfaithful. It was so bad that he almost missed my son's birth because he was out cheating on me. We split when my son was a little over a week and I haven't looked back. Regardless of how it ended, the tears I cried, and pain I went through, I would do it all over again if I had to. My son is the greatest gift I could have ever gotten. He will always be the best thing that happened to me. He's the best parts of me.

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35. If my body could talk, it would say....

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35. If my body could talk, it would say....

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Stop abusing yourself. Start eating healthy and working out. All the years of unhealthy eating habits and questionable decisions are starting to take it's effect on your health. If you're not careful, in a few years, the damage could be irreversible and possibly fatal. Don't take that risk.

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33. What does unconditional love look like for you?

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33. What does unconditional love look like for you?

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The love between a mother and son. It sees no limits. There's nothing they can do to ever tarnish how perfect they see each other. Mother's are their sons first love. We're their safe place, their protector, their guide, their everything, and we will do anything for them; even give our own life if it meant theirs being saved. I'd sacrifice my freedom and my last breath for my son if he needed me too. I'd do so without hesitation or without giving a second thought. I thank the universe for allowing me to be his mommy. Him choosing me as his mommy will always be the greatest gift I can ever receive.

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(obstacle) 2015 I went off a cliff in the Azusa Canyons. 

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32. The words I’d like to live by are....

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32. The words I’d like to live by are....

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- Treat people the way I want to be treated, but if they choose to not return the love and kindness back, don't dwell over it. Never let an ugly person, or someone who had bad intentions for me, turn me into a mean person. Just because they are nasty to me, doesn't mean I should return it. Instead I should continue to put out love and kindness because the world needs more of it. It's easy to let the anger consume me and let it turn me evil, but I refuse to let that be the case for me.
- Stop expecting me out of people. I might be the go to friend when they need help, need a ride, need a few bucks, or need a friend, but who's mine? I have always been the friend to people that I wish I had. I've had to overcome many obstacles and have faced trials that I wish I wasn't alone for. I am a strong believer that the universe only puts you through things that it knows you can handle.
- Appreciate the little things in life and tell whoever is in you life for the long run, how thankful you are for them. We are on borrowed time, and we never know when it's our time to check out.

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18. If I could talk to my teenage self, I would say….

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18. If I could talk to my teenage self, I would say….

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There's so much more to life than having a boyfriend. Make memories, join a team, go to the dances, go to the games, go out with friends because when you look back on your teenage years, all your memories are going to be centered around your boyfriend. Having one wasn't an issue, but not doing anything worthwhile while being with him is where I messed up. I wish I would have made more memories. I am grateful for the small amount of memories I was able to make though.

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14. What’s the one thing I’d like others to remember about me at the end of my life?

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14. What’s the one thing I’d like others to remember about me at the end of my life?

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I hope people remember me as the person who was always there for them when they really needed someone. I hope they can easily remember the times they'd call when they were going through hard times and needed someone to hear them out without worrying about judgement. I would always be the one who dropped everything to help someone in need. I always  made sure everyone around me was happy and laughing even if my entire world was falling apart behind closed doors. Also, I hope if or when they think of me, it brings a smile to their face knowing that I was always laughing or smiling. It was very rare to see me in a bad mood for too long. Even if they don't want to remember me, I know my charisma and aura is one that they will never forget. I make sure to leave my mark on everyone I meet. I am not an easy person to forget.

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Lyrics:
I just need some time, I'm tryna think straight
I just need a moment in my own space
Ask me how I'm doin', I'll say "okay, " yeah
But ain't that what we all say?
Sometimes I think back to the old days
In the pointless conversations with the old me
Yeah, back when my momma used to hold me
I wish somebody woulda told meIf you want love, you gon' have to go through the pain
If you want love, you gon' have to learn how to change
If you want trust, you gon' have to give some away
If you want love, if you want loveYeah, as a kid I used to think life
Is moving so slow, I watch it go by
Look out the window on my bus ride
I thought the world was so small, through my closed eyes
I've always tried to control things
In the end that's what controls me
Maybe that's why I'm controllin'
I wish somebody woulda told meIf you want love, you gon' have to go through the pain
If you want love, you gon' have to learn how to change
If you want trust, you gon' have to give some away
If you want love, if you want loveThe older I get, I feel like I'm always tryna save time
Talkin' to the voices in my head, they make me think twice
Tellin' me it doesn't mean it's wrong because it feels right
I'm scared that one day I wake up and wonder where the time go
Talk about the past like it's the present while I rock slow
I'll sit in the living room and laugh with kids of my own
And tell 'emIf you want love, you gon' have to go through the pain
I wish you woulda told me
If you want love, you gon' have to learn how to change
I wish somebody woulda told me
If you want trust, you gon' have to give some away
You gon' have to give
If you want love, if you want love
If you want love, if you want love
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Why does it relate to me?
My heart feels the pain behind this song. I have always felt things so immensely. I feel like like I have always expressed and received love differently. Things that seem so minor to other people, are devastating to me. I feel the need for validation and reassurance constantly or else I feel like my person, whether friendship or relationship, does not love me.

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I learned that making impulsive decisions out of anger or sadness, will only cost me later. The anger and sadness will go away but the consequences of the choice I made, won't. So when it comes to life decisions or ones that can alter any part of the way I've grown used to, I make sure I am level headed and thinking clearly.

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Do not give up nor fall back into old ways. These babies need me. All four of them. I'd cross oceans for them.

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I want financial stability. I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck. Traveling with my mini plus 1 to Greece is my dream.

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Referencing the song that plays in opening credits of COPS

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11. Would I break the law to save a loved one?

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11. Would I break the law to save a loved one?

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Without any hesitation. If I had to break the law to spare their life, I'd do it without giving a second thought. I'd gladly risk my own life for those I love. I'll smile in my mugshot if I was arrested for breaking the law too.

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10. Who has had the greatest impact on my life?

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10. Who has had the greatest impact on my life?

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My brother Andrew has had a big influence on my life. When we were younger we would fight a lot. However now that we're grown, he has become my best friend. We have the same humour and can be laughing at the dumbest stuff for hours. I have always looked up to him because he is well respected everywhere we go. He is also a great artist and a great fighter. He has even trained in jujutsu. He sets his mind to something and he masters it. I always loved that about him. I have never found anything I'm good in, sports or subjects, or anything. However my brother inspires me to keep trying.

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8. What do I need to change about myself?

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8. What do I need to change about myself?

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I need to stop procrastinating. I have been avoiding some important health concerns simply because I assume I have time.  I also want to be more present with my son. I catch myself being distracted sometimes when I'm with him and I hate that about me. I do it without even realizing sometimes but when I do I put my phone down. I make it an issue to apologize to him when I catch myself though. I'm working on showing up even more than I do now.

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B.o.B - Airplanes (feat. Hayley Williams of Paramore) [Official Video]

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Lyrics
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shootin' stars
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shootin' stars
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right nowYeah, I could use a dream or a genie or a wish
To go back to a place much simpler than this
'Cause after all the partyin' and smashin' and crashin'
And all the glitz and glam and the fashion
And all the pandemonium and all the madness
There comes a time where you fade to the blackness
And when you're starin' at the phone in your lap
And you hopin' but them people never call you back
But that's just how the story unfolds
You get another hand soon after you fold
And when your plans unravel in the sand
What would you wish for, if you had one chance?
So airplane, airplane sorry I'm late
I'm on my way so don't close that gate
If I don't make that, then I'll switch my flight
And I'll be right back at it by the end of the nightCan we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shootin' stars
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shootin' stars
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right nowYeah, yeah, somebody take me back to the days
Before this was a job, before I got paid
Before it ever mattered what I had in my bank
Yeah, back when I was tryna get a tip at Subway
And back then I was rappin' for the hell of it
But nowadays we rappin' to stay relevant
I'm guessin' that if we can make some wishes out of airplanes
Then maybe, oh maybe, I'll go back to the days
Before the politics that we call the rap game
And back when ain't nobody listened to my mixtape
And back before when I tried to cover up my slang
But this is for Decatur, what's up Bobby Ray?
So can I get a wish to end the politics?
And get back to the music that started this shit
So here I stand and then again I say
I'm hoping we can make some wishes out of airplanesCan we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shootin' stars
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shootin' stars
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right nowI could really use a wish right now
I, I, I could really use a wish right now
Like, like, like shootin' stars
I, I, I could, I could really use a wish right now
A wish, a wish right now.

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Why does it relate to me?
I am at a scary time in my life. I have to have surgery within the next few weeks to remove cancerous cells and to see if it is localized to where they found the original cells or if spread or if it came from elsewhere in my body. I relate to this song heavy because I am scared for my life. I need a miracle. I'm hoping and praying that I don't have invasive cancer.

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B.o.B - Airplanes (feat. Hayley Williams of Paramore) [Official Video]

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I give up on trying to make everyone happy. It is such a burden and takes a toll on someone when the weight of the world is on their shoulders. I can do everything under the sun, but someone always finds the 1 thing that is not done. I decided my son and my happiness is going to be top priority before anything else. He deserves his mom to be fully present and not occupied mentally.

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My brother, my parents, my son, and myself a few years ago. 

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The happiness and overall well being of my parents, my son, and those I love around me is the only thing that matters to me. I would give my own life if it meant that they would be happy forever. I would take a bullet over and over or take a prison sentence for them in a heartbeat. My parents and my son have saved me in ways I can never repay them for.

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4. Am I holding on to something I need to let go of?

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4. Am I holding on to something I need to let go of?

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I think I'm holding on to guilt for what came of my ex boyfriend. He is currently facing a life sentence for something he didn't do. The reason I feel like it's my fault is because if I had gave him another chance, he would have been home with me. He would have never been gone and would have never been caught up in the mess he's in. The only reason he took off was to clear his mind and forget about the love of his life not wanting to be with him anymore. I loved him then and I love him now. If I could go back in time to choose differently, I would make sure I didn't let him go. I wish there was a time machine everyday because that man did not deserve this. He is one of the most amazing people I have ever met and he loved me for me. He didn't see any flaws or imperfections. My heart truly aches knowing I could have changed the outcome if I had simply chose differently. I'll live with guilt for the rest of my life.

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 I am beyond terrified of leaving my son without a mom. I look at him everyday and want to bust out crying because I am scared that I will be taken from him. Having a child puts fears in your heart that are unexplainable. I pray that I am able to see my son grow up.

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2. What worries me most about the future?

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2. What worries me most about the future?

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What worries me the most about the near future is whether or not I'll even be here. I was recently informed by my doctor that they found two different types of abnormal cells during a routine exam. I have to undergo a diagnostic and prognosis procedure to remove as much abnormal cells as possible and determine how far it has spread, if it has indeed done so. If it is diagnosed as "carcinoma in situ"  that means it remained localized in one place. If it has metasized and spread to other organs then it will be diagnosed as a type of invasive cancer. Just hearing the word cancer is scary. I'm only 29. This was not even on my mind as something that could happen at my age. I am still trying to process it. I am trying to understand how or why this has happened to me.