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Talking to Children about the Shooting (002)

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How Children and Adolescents Understand Death and Ways to Help Students Cope with a Death in the School Community

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How Children and Adolescents Understand Death and Ways to Help Students Cope with a Death in the School Community

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Anxiety over school shootings has become a common fear in America. When something that once seemed unthinkable happens with some regularity, added to our feeling of horror that it's happened (again!) is another kind of alarm: Could this happen at my child's school?

And many parents have begun to worry whether the news of school shootings, along with the active-shooter drills most schools are now conducting, are frightening children in a damaging way.

Responding to this concern, Jamie Howard, PhD, director of the Trauma and Resilience Service at the Child Mind Institute, says that parents tend to worry about school shootings more than their children do. "Even though they're the ones going into school every day, I just don't hear a lot of kids worrying about it," she says. "When children are younger they're more egocentric. As they get to become teenagers this changes." This developmental selfishness is a quality that often protects younger children from the kind of anxiety that the adults around them are experiencing.

This is good news for parents who worry about their children feeling afraid. But kids are very good at picking up on the fears of their parents, and if they sense that Mom or Dad is afraid, they will take notice.

Psychologists sometimes describe anxiety as the body's internal alarm system. You want your alarm system to go off if there is a threat nearby. But sometimes the alarm is triggered too easily and you are alerted when there isn't any danger at all. Or maybe there is a threat, but it doesn't actually warrant a full-fledged alarm response.

The way school shootings are covered on television and discussed on social media is intense. We can hear about the tragedy throughout our day, often for several days, whenever we look at a screen. Besides making us feel upset and frustrated, it can also make us feel less safe. "Because it's so horrific and scary and important it dominates the media and therefore our minds, and we think of it as a much bigger threat than it is, explains Dr. Howard. "The more you watch, the more it tricks your mind into thinking it's an increased probability of occurring."

School shootings actually are not very common, so while they are a threat, the likelihood that one will personally affect you is slim. In Dr. Howard's words, "some anxiety is warranted, debilitating anxiety is not." If you feel that you are more anxious than you should be, a good first step is always to take a break from any media that might be focusing your attention in an unhealthy direction.

Because anxiety is meant to prepare us for action, it makes sense to channel the worries you are feeling into something proactive you can do. One of the things Dr. Howard recommends is forming a parent group at the school. Assessing what the school needs, getting involved in the planning process for drills, and having ongoing conversations about keeping the school safe can make worried parents feel better.

Likewise, participating in political activism or efforts to support mental health and wellness in your community can make you feel like you are making a difference. It also sets a good example for your children, who may want to get involved, too. Many of the students at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School began lobbying lawmakers after the tragic shooting at their school, and they inspired students across the country to think about ways they might make their own voices heard. Participating in a school walkout or even just getting their opinion across in a conversation with a parent can make kids feel like their thoughts and values matter, which will feel reassuring.

Parents are sometimes afraid to bring up school shootings with their children, because they don't want to scare them. But children will have often heard about a school shooting that is getting a lot of attention in the media, and bringing it up can actually alleviate any anxiety they might be feeling. Avoiding potentially scary topics can make them scarier to children.

These discussions are a chance for you to answer questions that they might have and provide some reassurance. While you can't promise that their school will never have a shooting, you can in good faith tell them that school shootings are actually very rare and remind them that they practice drills at school to keep them safe.

If you aren't sure what to say, you can always ask your kids if they have any questions. Use common sense about how much detail to go into, and try not to use euphemisms or fuzzy language, which can make a young child's imagination run wild.

You can also take this opportunity to share important messages that you want to communicate. For example, Dr. Howard suggests saying, "If a classmate of yours is struggling, we don't do nothing. We don't gossip about them. We tell a grownup so they can get help." Or if your child is a teenager, and another student says or writes something scary, the same advice holds: they should let an adult know.

Most schools today practice active shooter drills. The goal of these drills should never be to scare children. Just as we don't use fake smoke in fire drills, schools don't need to use fake guns during active shooter drills. Schools who try to make the drills as realistic as possible risk scaring students (and teachers), and miss the point of these drills in the first place.

Schools have active shooter drills to get everyone used to their safety plan. "The more you practice something, the more you rehearse it, you lay the mental tracks so that you decrease the tendency to freeze in the case of a real emergency and you can go quickly into action," explains Dr. Howard. "In the military you do realistic drills because you really will be in combat, but this is a low-probability event. You just need to lay the tracks so you decrease those few seconds of reaction time."

When teachers (and parents) talk about the drills, they should do it with a lot of confidence. They should make it clear that school shootings, just like fires, are unlikely, but, says Dr. Howard, "We are going to be ready if it happens. This is what we're going to do to stay safe."

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How to Talk to Kids About School Shootings - Child Mind Institute

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Finding proactive ways to deal with anxiety over school shootings. What to say to kids who might be feeling worried, and what to do about your own anxiety.

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How to Talk to Children About Mass Shootings - The New York Times

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An Age-by-Age Guide to Talking to Children About Mass Shootings

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Whether you’ve got a kindergartner or a teenager, here is how to help them in the immediate aftermath of tragedy.

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Resources from National Child Traumatic Stress Network

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Resources from National Child Traumatic Stress Network

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Resources in Response to the Robb Elementary School Shooting

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Anxiety over school shootings has become a common fear in America. When something that once seemed unthinkable happens with some regularity, added to our feeling of horror that it's happened (again!) is another kind of alarm: Could this happen at my child's school?

And many parents have begun to worry whether the news of school shootings, along with the active-shooter drills most schools are now conducting, are frightening children in a damaging way.

Responding to this concern, Jamie Howard, PhD, director of the Trauma and Resilience Service at the Child Mind Institute, says that parents tend to worry about school shootings more than their children do. "Even though they're the ones going into school every day, I just don't hear a lot of kids worrying about it," she says. "When children are younger they're more egocentric. As they get to become teenagers this changes." This developmental selfishness is a quality that often protects younger children from the kind of anxiety that the adults around them are experiencing.

This is good news for parents who worry about their children feeling afraid. But kids are very good at picking up on the fears of their parents, and if they sense that Mom or Dad is afraid, they will take notice.

Psychologists sometimes describe anxiety as the body's internal alarm system. You want your alarm system to go off if there is a threat nearby. But sometimes the alarm is triggered too easily and you are alerted when there isn't any danger at all. Or maybe there is a threat, but it doesn't actually warrant a full-fledged alarm response.

The way school shootings are covered on television and discussed on social media is intense. We can hear about the tragedy throughout our day, often for several days, whenever we look at a screen. Besides making us feel upset and frustrated, it can also make us feel less safe. "Because it's so horrific and scary and important it dominates the media and therefore our minds, and we think of it as a much bigger threat than it is, explains Dr. Howard. "The more you watch, the more it tricks your mind into thinking it's an increased probability of occurring."

School shootings actually are not very common, so while they are a threat, the likelihood that one will personally affect you is slim. In Dr. Howard's words, "some anxiety is warranted, debilitating anxiety is not." If you feel that you are more anxious than you should be, a good first step is always to take a break from any media that might be focusing your attention in an unhealthy direction.

Because anxiety is meant to prepare us for action, it makes sense to channel the worries you are feeling into something proactive you can do. One of the things Dr. Howard recommends is forming a parent group at the school. Assessing what the school needs, getting involved in the planning process for drills, and having ongoing conversations about keeping the school safe can make worried parents feel better.

Likewise, participating in political activism or efforts to support mental health and wellness in your community can make you feel like you are making a difference. It also sets a good example for your children, who may want to get involved, too. Many of the students at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School began lobbying lawmakers after the tragic shooting at their school, and they inspired students across the country to think about ways they might make their own voices heard. Participating in a school walkout or even just getting their opinion across in a conversation with a parent can make kids feel like their thoughts and values matter, which will feel reassuring.

Parents are sometimes afraid to bring up school shootings with their children, because they don't want to scare them. But children will have often heard about a school shooting that is getting a lot of attention in the media, and bringing it up can actually alleviate any anxiety they might be feeling. Avoiding potentially scary topics can make them scarier to children.

These discussions are a chance for you to answer questions that they might have and provide some reassurance. While you can't promise that their school will never have a shooting, you can in good faith tell them that school shootings are actually very rare and remind them that they practice drills at school to keep them safe.

If you aren't sure what to say, you can always ask your kids if they have any questions. Use common sense about how much detail to go into, and try not to use euphemisms or fuzzy language, which can make a young child's imagination run wild.

You can also take this opportunity to share important messages that you want to communicate. For example, Dr. Howard suggests saying, "If a classmate of yours is struggling, we don't do nothing. We don't gossip about them. We tell a grownup so they can get help." Or if your child is a teenager, and another student says or writes something scary, the same advice holds: they should let an adult know.

Most schools today practice active shooter drills. The goal of these drills should never be to scare children. Just as we don't use fake smoke in fire drills, schools don't need to use fake guns during active shooter drills. Schools who try to make the drills as realistic as possible risk scaring students (and teachers), and miss the point of these drills in the first place.

Schools have active shooter drills to get everyone used to their safety plan. "The more you practice something, the more you rehearse it, you lay the mental tracks so that you decrease the tendency to freeze in the case of a real emergency and you can go quickly into action," explains Dr. Howard. "In the military you do realistic drills because you really will be in combat, but this is a low-probability event. You just need to lay the tracks so you decrease those few seconds of reaction time."

When teachers (and parents) talk about the drills, they should do it with a lot of confidence. They should make it clear that school shootings, just like fires, are unlikely, but, says Dr. Howard, "We are going to be ready if it happens. This is what we're going to do to stay safe."

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How to Talk to Kids About School Shootings - Child Mind Institute

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Finding proactive ways to deal with anxiety over school shootings. What to say to kids who might be feeling worried, and what to do about your own anxiety.

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Updated February 17, 2023
In response to recent school and mass shootings, the Interagency Working Group on Youth Programs (IWGYP) has compiled a list of resources to help youth, families, educators, and community members cope with and talk about community trauma, as well as provide psychological first aid.

Need Help Now?
The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration's Disaster Distress Helpline is available 24/7/365: Call or text 1-800-985-5990 (for Spanish, press "2") to be connected to a trained counselor any time.
Additional Helplines and Apps

Resources on Psychological First Aid

Psychological First Aid (PFA) ( Spanish version) is an early intervention to support children, adolescents, adults, and families impacted by these types of events.

PFA in Schools:

Resources from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN)

Resources on Violence, Gun Violence, and Mass Violence

Resources for Children, Youth, Parents and Other Caregivers, and Schools

Resources from Additional Federal Sources

Active Shooter Recovery Guide - From the Cybersecurity & Infrastructure Security Agency

Active Shooter Situations: After an Active Shooter Incident - From the REMS TA Center

Addressing Adversarial and Human-Caused Threats that May Impact Students, Staff, and Visitors - From the REMS TA Center

After an Emergency - From the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Division of Adolescent and School Health

Attacks in Crowded and Public Spaces - From Ready.gov

Before, During, and After: Staying Safe in Public Spaces - From the Federal Emergency Management Agency

Caring for Children in a Disaster - From the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention

Coping with a Disaster or Traumatic Event | Spanish version - From the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention

Creating, Practicing, and Implementing Plans for Family Reunification Before, During and After an Emergency - From the REMS TA Center

Helping Children and Adolescents Cope with Traumatic Events | Spanish version - From the National Institute of Mental Health

Helping Children Cope with Emergencies - From the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention

Helping Crime Survivors Find their Justice - From the Office for Victims of Crime

Helping Victims of Mass Violence & Terrorism: Planning, Response, Recovery, and Resources - From the Office for Victims of Crime

Higher Education Emergency Management Virtual Toolkit - From the REMS TA Center

Managing Bereavement and Loss as a Part of School and Higher Ed Emergency Preparedness Planning - From the REMS TA Center

Managing Grief after Disaster - From the U.S. Department of Veteran's Affairs

Mass Violence/Active Shooter Incidents: Family Assistance - From the Technical Resources, Assistance Center, and Information Exchange

National Center for PTSD - From the U.S. Department of Veteran's Affairs

Resources for the Victims of Recent Mass Violence Incidents - From the Office for Victims of Crime

Response and Resiliency - From the National Center on Safe Supportive Learning Environments

Returning to School After an Emergency or Disaster: Tips to Help Your Students Cope - From the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention

Safe Place: Trauma-Sensitive Practice for Health Centers Serving Higher Education Students - From the National Center on Safe Supportive Learning Environments

School Crisis Navigation Resources - From the National Center for School Safety

Talking to and Supporting Young People after Violence - From the NTTAC for Child, Youth, & Family Mental Health

The Impact of Disaster and Mass Violence Events on Mental Health - From the U.S. Department of Veteran's Affairs

Trauma-Informed Approaches - From the IWGYP

Trauma-Informed Care for Schools Before, During, and After Possible Emergency Events Webinar - From the REMS TA Center

Understanding the Role of Community Engagement Specialists in Supporting School Safety Before, During, and After an Emergency Webinar - From the REMS TA Center

Understanding Trauma and Its Impact - From the National Center on Safe Supportive Learning Environments

Resources from the National Mass Violence and Victimization Resource Center

Resources from the Center for the Study of Traumatic Stress at the Uniformed Services University

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Resources to Help Youth Cope after a Mass Shooting

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Updated February 17, 2023 In response to recent school and mass shootings, the Interagency Working Group on Youth Programs (IWGYP) has compiled a list of resources to help youth, families, educators, and community members cope with and talk about community trauma, as well as provide psychological first aid.

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The National Child Traumatic Stress Network

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The National Child Traumatic Stress Network

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CFTSI is a brief (5‐8 session), evidence‐based early intervention for children 7 to 18 years old that reduces traumatic stress reactions and the onset of PTSD. CFTSI is implemented within 30-45 days following a traumatic event or the disclosure of physical or sexual abuse.

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How Trauma Affects Kids in School - Child Mind Institute

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Learn how trauma from ongoing neglect, abuse, homelessness or violence causes children to have problems with learning and behavior. How to help these kids.

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The Teacher’s Role When Tragedy Strikes - Child Mind Institute

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What is a teacher’s role in dealing with tragedy? Child Mind Institute offers tips for helping children in the classroom when tragedy strikes.

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In the wake of a disturbing event or tragic loss in the lives of children, we know parents and teachers will do their best to help kids cope with their grief and anxiety in a healthy way. We have provided some tips on how best to engage kids in a calm and supportive dialog about their feelings-it's certainly not easy to do, but it can make a big difference to kids.

Still, some children are more at risk than others for suffering long-term effects from an upsetting event, including those who have lost close friends or classmates and those who might have learned about the event or loss in a particularly emotional and upsetting way.

How a child experiences an event and how it's handled by those around him have an effect on how traumatizing it can be, notes Child Mind Institute psychologist Jerry Bubrick, PhD. When families come upon news accidentally, parents can be caught off guard and respond in a highly emotional way that can impact children. Television coverage and shocking newspaper headlines can also amplify the impact of a disturbing event or loss.

So even as you try to soothe and comfort children, it is important to recognize the signs of unhealthy coping that would suggest a visit with a professional might be needed. In extreme cases, children can develop post-traumatic stress disorder, but even less extreme PTSD-like symptoms can interfere with a child's life and happiness. Here are some signs to look for and things to keep in mind.

"Everyone grieves at a different pace," Dr. Bubrick says, and an immediate reaction-or lack of one-is not really an indicator of how a child will cope with the loss. "If a child seems to be coping well now, they might still have a poor reaction later," he says. "Or it could also just be a sign that they're handling it well." So while we want to help our children as much as possible immediately after the event, a lasting and hurtful response usually won't be evident until 3 or 6 months later.

Increased thinking about death and safety

One common sign of PTSD or a PTSD-like reaction is what Dr. Bubrick calls a "hyper-focus on mortality or death." And while some kids become notably morbid and fascinated by death, others will develop an obsession with their own safety and the safety of those close to them. In the case of a fire or another disaster, their thoughts might return with disturbing regularity to the possibility of a fire in their own home, or of the earthquake or flood happening where they live.

Problems with sleeping, eating, anger, and attention

Some of the symptoms of trauma in children (and adults) closely mimic depression, including too much or too little sleep, loss of appetite or overeating, unexplained irritability and anger, and problems focusing on projects, school work, and conversation. Sometimes the symptoms appear more like an anxiety disorder-obsessive or pervasive worry, difficulty separating from parents.

A year after a tragic event, we tend to look back, take stock, and memorialize those whose lives were lost. But as Dr. Bubrick observes, there are other anniversaries connected to children's lives that could have unexpected consequences for them- the birthdays of friends or classmates who died, for instance. Children "could be basically OK between now and then, maybe with some rocky periods," he says. "And then around the time of the birthday, they could have more symptoms. It's a trigger."

When an event is connected to school, such as the loss of classmates or violence at school itself, an unhealthy reaction could take the form of avoiding school. As Dr. Bubrick points out, school is "where the most reminders of the kids' deaths will be." While episodes of depression, heightened anxiety, trouble sleeping, and a fixation on the accident may be transient, avoiding school is a clear sign that something is wrong. "For the most part, everyone is going to experience some form of those things, altogether or in pieces," says Dr. Bubrick. "But if, over time, it's not really lifting and it's continuing, it may result in school refusal altogether. At that point we definitely know the child needs help."

You should also know that stress and trauma can manifest differently in girls and boys. Although this is by no means definitive, boys often react more quickly and with more irritation and anger, while girls can have delayed reactions that are more internal.

Frequently Asked Questions

What are the signs of trauma in a child?

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Signs of Trauma in Children - Child Mind Institute

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What to watch for in the weeks and months after an upsetting event - signs of trauma in children and how to begin to address the issue.

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It's important to understand that it's not the nature of the event itself that makes something traumatic. It's really the subjective experience of the child that defines whether an event is traumatic or not.

Many of us have experiences that are very upsetting. We may be disturbed, we may be unable to sleep, we may not be able to eat, we may be irritable, but we integrate it, over time, and recover. So trauma is really best understood as a failure of recovery. It's a response to an event, it's not the event itself.

There are many factors that go into whether an event is traumatic for a child.

First, there are individual factors that relate to the child's own history, her previous experiences, as well as biological vulnerabilities that we don't understand yet.

Then there are the event factors. We certainly know that close proximity, both emotional and physical, to the event are more likely to make it traumatic. For instance, rape is known to be one of the most traumatic of events, as is sexual assault.

Finally, there are also factors that occur after the event, whether a child has support from people close to her, especially her family, or whether there are additional stressors that are ongoing, and that interfere with her ability to process and recover.

So it's a very complex situation, because while we tend to think of an event as being the cause of trauma, trauma is actually a process over time. Trauma is the Greek word for injury, and so it's an experience that causes an injury to one's functioning-cognitive functioning, physiological functioning and psychological functioning.

This article was last reviewed or updated on February 3, 2023.

Steven J. Berkowitz, MD, is associate professor of clinical psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania and director of the Penn ... Read Bio

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What Makes an Event Traumatic for a Child? - Child Mind Institute

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Experiences before and after affect how severe the injury will be