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Priya Vulchi and Winona Guo: What it takes to be racially literate

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Over the last year, Priya Vulchi and Winona Guo traveled to all 50 US states, collecting personal stories about race and intersectionality. Now they're on a mission to equip every American with the tools to understand, navigate and improve a world structured by racial division.

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Take your first steps with Antiracist Baby! Or rather, follow Antiracist Baby's nine easy steps for building a more equitable world.

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by Isabel Wilkerson

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Tips for Talking with Children about Racism and Social Justice

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Tips for Talking with Children about Racism and Social Justice

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Every child has the right to grow up healthy, educated and safe - regardless of race, gender or socioeconomic status. Systemic change to end racism is essential to achieving this vision.

Save the Children was founded over 100 years ago to fight for universal values and children's rights. However, we also live in a society that still suffers from a legacy of institutional racism. The past year has been an especially difficult one for America, and for anyone who believes in and is fighting for a more just world.

Save the Children remains committed to fighting for what is right and against injustices. We proudly stand in solidarity with the Black communities, the Asian American and Pacific Islander community and all communities targeted by racism, sexism, ableism, xenophobia, homophobia and other forms of discrimination..

As you seek ways to navigate conversations with children in your life about recent events, including violence, and race in America, we are here for you. We know that talking to kids about racism and social justice are not always easy conversations to have, nor are they a one-time occurrence. There is also no unique individual or organization that holds all the answers to every question that may arise. But we encourage you to use the following tips to start a conversation or as a continuation, aimed at helping children to better understand what is happening around them.

1. Limit exposure to media and social media. Protests are occurring right now over racism across our nation. Protests have occurred throughout history to express feelings over conflict, violence, injustice, discrimination, inequality and more. To peacefully assemble is a protected right in the United States and is a way to stand together and make your voice heard.

It is important for your child to understand what is happening, but also understand that the images and stories portrayed on the news and social media can cause anxiety and fear in both children and adults. It's encouraged to limit exposure based on what you feel is right for you and your family.

2. Talk about race in age-appropriate ways.
- For preschoolers:At this age, your child may begin to notice and point out differences in the people around you, like when you're at the park. If your child asks about someone's skin tone, you might say, "Isn't it wonderful that we are all so different!" You can even hold your arm against theirs to show the differences in skin tones within your family.

- For elementary school children: This is the age that is important to have open talks with your child about race, diversity and racism. Discussing these topics will help your child see you as a trusted source of information on the topic, and he or she can come to you with any questions. Point out stereotypes and racial bias in media and books such as villains or "bad guys" in movies.

- If your child makes comments or asks you questions about race based on school incidents or something they read or watched: Further the discussion with questions such as, "How do you feel about that?" and "Why do you think that?" This is also helpful if your child heard something insensitive or if your child experienced racial bias themselves. Before responding to his or her statement or question, figure out where it came from and what it means from his or her perspective.

3. Recognize what's in your power. Think about what you can personally do to take action and stand up for what is right.

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Tips for Talking with Children About Racism and Social Justice

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Every child has the right to grow up healthy, educated and safe - regardless of race, gender or socioeconomic status. Systemic change to end racism is essential to achieving this vision. Save the Children was founded over 100 years ago to fight for universal values and children's rights.

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Lower School Butler Spencer Library libguide

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Lower School Butler Spencer Library libguide

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Check out this comprehensive lbriary guide developed by Mr. Buffington and Mrs. Lee for our younger learners and their families!

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LibGuides: Butler-Spencer Library: Social Resources Summer 2020

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The Double Pandemic

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The Missouri Historical Society is ... Missouri Historical Society and was founded in 1866.

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The Double Pandemic | Missouri Historical Society

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Explore the overlapping pandemics of COVID-19, systemic racism, and income inequality in this series of 10-minute virtual plays inspired by real-life experiences.

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Dia de los Muertos and a Celebration of Hispanic Culture

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The Missouri Historical Society is ... Missouri Historical Society and was founded in 1866.

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Día de los Muertos and a Celebration of Hispanic Culture | Missouri Historical Society

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Join us to celebrate and learn about this holiday in our first-ever virtual festival. Plus, visit the Missouri History Museum to see traditional altars and original artwork on display.

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How to talk Honestly with Children About Race

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How to talk Honestly with Children About Race

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PBS Kids for Parents

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How to Talk Honestly With Children About Racism | Parenting Tips &...

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Talking with young children about race and racism is tough and important. Here are ideas to help you prepare for conversations, ask questions, and model anti-racist behavior.

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St. Louis History Live - Commemorating King

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The Missouri Historical Society is ... Missouri Historical Society and was founded in 1866.

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Commemorating King: 60 Years after His St. Louis Speech | Missouri Historical Society

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Join Rabbi Brigitte Rosenberg of United Hebrew, enjoy choir music, and hear a theatrical reading of King's speech in the very space it was delivered 60 years ago.

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Ever since the recent Black Lives Matter protests, leaders have called for a national conversation on race.

Race is a thorny topic, and for people seeking to understand others' racism - or their own - it can be difficult to know where to turn.

So please consider this a safe space where you can pose questions you may hesitate to ask elsewhere. To help answer them, we've reached out to scholars and other experts on race. Send us your questions - there's a place to do that at the bottom of this page - and we'll try to answer those, too.

Our purpose here is not to chide, preach or settle historical scores. We're all in this together. And we all have questions. Here are some of yours.

We'll keep updating this by answering more of your questions as they come in.

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Ever since the recent Black Lives Matter protests, leaders have called for a national conversation on race. Race is a thorny topic, and for people seeking to understand others' racism - or their own - it can be difficult to know where to turn.

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Talking with White Children about George Floyd from Independent School Magazine

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Talking with White Children about George Floyd from Independent School Magazine

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Following the police killing of George Floyd in Minneapolis in May, many white people have been asking me, "What is the right thing to say to my white children about George Floyd?"

There is no one right thing to say, of course. But, for those who ask, I share my approach to talking with my own white children about race and racism. If we do this thoughtfully and steadily-which is to say daily or weekly-our children won't end up grasping at troubling stereotypes every time a conflict arises. Instead, they will have a much clearer picture of the systemic causes of racism-and understand that George Floyd's murder took place in the context of such systems of division, injustice, and discrimination.

Laying the Foundation
I frequently talk with parents about how to talk to white children about race, often using " What White Children Need to Know about Race," an Independent School magazine article I wrote with Eleonora Bartoli, as a starting point. Many white adults were raised, as I was, to be colorblind; thinking that it's rude to talk about race, that it's impolite to notice racial difference, that there is no reason for white people to talk about racism. Others were raised with overt racism from their parents and, not wanting to replicate their own socialization, have no idea what to say to their children. Both of these experiences of racial socialization render us without instinct for how to talk about race in a way that helps our children learn how to be anti-racist. Often we are just quiet or we wait for them to bring it up. But what we don't realize-until they get older-is that our silence leaves space for others to teach our children what to believe about race.

Racial socialization scholars Wade Boykin and Forrest Toms say that what you do "consistently, persistently, and in an enduring manner" is your manner of socialization. If you avoid conversations about race and racism most of the time and address it only during times of conflict or once a year when you go seeHidden Figures, then silence about race and racism is your mode of racial socialization. Talking about race on a regular basis-in an anti-racist way-even if it is imperfect, is how to racially socialize your children to be racially literate and anti-racist. Racial socialization is about engaging, engaging, and continuing to engage--even when it seems like they're not listening, even when you're not sure what to say.

The children we are raising today are members of a multiracial 21st century society in which racial competency is required. Our children cannot navigate and dismantle racism in themselves, their relationships, and their communities if they cannot talk about race.

How to Start
I don't think it's ever too early to start naming skin color and recognizing critical media analysis in the books we read and the movies we watch. At young ages-from birth-we can bring up skin color and racial identity as a normal part of conversation and of life. Young kids need words to describe the people around them, and skin color can be part of that. My colleague Deidre Ashton compares it to sex ed. Before age 5, we really just give them the correct names for body parts and a few basic rules (i.e. "They are called privates because they are for you-not for anybody else.") As they get older, they are ready to hear more nuance around sex, and it goes more smoothly if they're already comfortable with using the names for body parts and understanding some of the basic rules.

It's also important as kids get older to help them differentiate between racist talk and racial talk, a concept that comes from anthropologists Michael Omi and Howard Winant. Some kids will accuse people ofracist talk, simply for mentioning the colors brown and white, even outside the context of skin. I still remember being a camp counselor at 18 years old and asking kids if they want "brown bread" or "white bread." One white 12 year old camper said, "You're racist! You're making us choose between brown and white!" The bread incident was not racist or racial. We were talking about bread. But kids-especially middle schoolers-know how to raise the temperature of the room by throwing around the "r-word." And it doesn't help them get clear about what kind of talk is racist or how to confront it when they encounter it. Racist talk is talk that perpetuates racism and racial stereotypes. Racial talk is talk that enables us to talk about the ways that race is a part of ourselves, our identities, our communities, and ultimately to talk about racism in a way that helps us to work against it.

I have tried with my 9-year old daughter and with my 7-year-old son to lay the foundation, the vocabulary, and the comfort of talking about race. We've talked often about race, racial categories, and the fact that everyone has a race. We've talked about the fact that we're white. I've shared information from books that I read. I've tried to insert history into what my daughter learns at school so that she won't see the racism of today as disconnected from the founding of our country. I find that the more my daughter is capable of understanding abstract thought, the more likely she is to question what I say. This is good; if kids were to just absorb our "teachings" unquestioningly, we would not be raising critical thinkers. As they age, we need to co-construct the conversation even more alongside them, welcoming their thoughts and sharing our own ideas, knowing that sometimes our ideas will be rejected.

This fall my daughter and I had a fight when two police officers came into her classroom to read books to the fourth graders. I was quiet when she told me this on our walk home from school. She expected a response, and she knew what I was thinking: "Why don't you respond? You think it's a bad thing, don't you! You don't know these police officers. They were kind! What if we needed them to come to our house in an emergency? You can't judge them just because they're police." She had her whole argument planned out before I even opened my mouth.

I agreed with her and affirmed her righteous indignation. But I also added that it's not individual police officers I distrust; it's how much power they have within our system. And I said, "I really believe the police officers would keep us safe if we needed them. And I always felt safe with police when I was growing up. But I also believe that if they went to the home of one of our black friends, that safety would not be guaranteed. And so I question whether it's smart to set up school programs in which your black friends are taught to trust police without any other discussion." She was furious. She didn't want to hear it. After more back and forth, my son-who hates conflict-threw himself on the flames of our conversation: "Blame me, OK? Just blame me!" he shouted. She and I laughed at his reaction, and we let it go.

The Current Context
I didn't initially intend to tell my kids about George Floyd. We have talked about police brutality a lot in their short lives, and I haven't always felt right about it. I remember when my daughter was 3 telling our rabbi during the prayers for healing that she wanted to pray for all of the black men killed by police. That day stands out because one of the families in the service was multiracial-and it occurred to me in that moment, that the parents might not want their 3-year-old black son to hear about police brutality against black men from a white family at a Shabbat service. I realized that what for me felt like critical anti-racism education could, in fact, feel like an unexpected assault to their child. All of our kids need to learn about police brutality eventually-in no small part so that they can keep themselves and their friends safe-but we also don't want them to be terrified at a young age by facts that they cannot process. At 3 or even 6, a child cannot keep threat (particularly threat targeted on their own group) in its proper proportion. So while my daughter and I would continue to discuss race and racism at home, I started being more careful about how and when I shared details of police brutality and murder during those early years. I didn't want her to continue to amplify that message in our multiracial community before she and her peers could fully understand it. I also didn't want it to seem like a natural part of life. When she learned about it, I wanted her to be outraged.

Two days after George Floyd's murder, my daughter asked me, "Who was George Floyd?" She had seen his name come up on a news site as she opened her schoolwork. When she asked, I stopped what I was doing, looked her in the eyes, and told her who George Floyd was and what had been done to him. I used plain language, and I answered her follow-up questions. After acquiring all the details she was prepared to ask about, she stared back at the computer and started to cry. "That's so sad," she repeated over and over.

She continued to ask questions and express her sadness the rest of the afternoon. She needed to continue to process it. She wanted me to say that George Floyd's family would be vindicated, that they would get money from the government, that the police officer would go to jail, that at least Floyd's children would have the opportunity to slap the police officer. I agreed that all of that is what should happen, but I was honest about the fact that I don't know if it is whatwill happen. That made her cry harder. I tried to sit with her in her grief and talk it through, just as I would if a family member had died.

She went back to our conversation about police coming to her school, and she asked, "Is this why you said we shouldn't trust police who come to our school?" I found myself waffling, suddenly trying to reassure her that not all police officers are such heartless murderers, that many have taken a knee in the protests, that they many want safety and protection for everybody. I told her yes, but there are lots of police who don't do this. "But they allcould do this," she said.

"Yes."

In grief and in anger, we co-constructed this situation yet again, with her asking me not to go easy on police. Throughout the whole interaction, I felt in awe of her capacity to access sadness at injustice, sadness at the death of somebody she didn't know. It is that emotional connection that I want to continue to cultivate and support--in her and others. I have heard parents question whether they should let their white children cry about racism because of the fear that they will be fragile. White tears in the context of fragility are to be avoided when white people use crying to avoid engaging, to avoid culpability, to shut down conversations on racism, or to focus those conversations on themselves and their own pain. But I believe that white people need to cry about racism-long and hard. We need to cry and feel the sadness. At the appropriate age, our children need to cry about it, too. Crying about racism is part of learning about racism. And what better place to do it than in the context of a loving and supportive family, where the crying helps to create connection to the focus, rather than distract from the focus?

Building Blocks
There was a silent presence in this conversation-my son. Throughout my conversation with my daughter, he listened. He didn't say much. I think he took in what he was capable of, and if he'd been emotionally ready to join the conversation, I believe he would have. But he stayed on the outside, and I think that's OK for now. He does have a foundation for thinking critically about police.

When he was five, he became very interested in the police. He had the fire station Lego set, and he wanted the police station Lego set. He also had seen the police station in our community where they keep all of the police cars, and he wanted to visit. I didn't buy him the police Legos, but I did agree to drive him to a parking lot near the station where he could look at the squad cars in the parking lot.

The whole time we were driving, I was thinking about how this excursion would be different if we were black. Would I even feel comfortable driving him to the police station? And what message would I want to send him about police? I didn't want to shame him for being interested in police, and I didn't want to give him the impression that all police are bad or untrustworthy. But I wanted him to know that police make mistakes and have bias like all of the rest of us, and that their authority to use violence makes them especially dangerous to people they have bias against. We sat together in the car, next to the parking lot of the police station, and looked at the patrol cars for a while. I've learned that if I'm going to critique something my child is interested in, I should engage in it first, understand his interest. Simply leaping to a negative critique of something that excites him would make him feel ashamed-and it could distance him from whatever I'd say next.

After we left the parking lot, I asked, "Do you know that police officers sometimes make mistakes?" He was intrigued. I said, "Yeah, sometimes they accuse people with brown skin of doing something wrong when they didn't do anything wrong." He said, "That's mean! Why do they do that?" I said, "Well sometimes in movies and TV shows they make it seem like brown people are criminals, and police officers get those ideas in their heads. But did you know that brown people don't commit more crimes than white people?"

He sucked his thumb quietly for a bit. I could tell he was thinking about it. I didn't really know what to say. I didn't know if this was right or wrong, but I knew I had to say something. Author and sociologist James Loewen says one of the main problems with how we teach American history in K-12 history textbooks is the "heroification" that we engage in regarding our leaders throughout history. The problem with this hero storyline is that it makes it difficult, if not impossible, to deal with either the truth of history or with the flaws of our modern-day leaders. I knew I had to say something so that my son could remember that police officers are not perfect. So I said, "Then what ends up happening is everybody's time is wasted. And everyone's money is wasted, and people actually becomeless safe, because the police are often stopping the wrong people." He pulled his thumb out of his mouth and said, "That's silly."

That was it. I felt like he understood a little bit more than he had before, and that was all he could handle right then. It was also, frankly, all I could handle in the moment.

Foundation-building with kids is not something you do once and then it's done. You lay the foundation day in and day out over the course of one year, and then the next year you realize with dismay that every cell in their brain and heart has regenerated in the interim, and they remember nothing. This is why the daily and weekly connections are so important. Foundation-building is like making baklava-it takes at least 15 carefully laid and buttered layers of phyllo dough to get even a quarter inch of pastry.

Anti-Racism Action
Learning about racism is-and should be-deeply disorienting. Given what we teach our children about how they should act and how the world should be, racism is deeply contradictory to the essential values that many parents hold. The more children learn about it, the more they look at us and ask, "Why aren't you doing something about this?" Adults learn to live with a discordant reality-the way the world should be and the way that it is-in a manner that is developmentally impossible for children. The confusion our children express as a result of this discord can feel like judgment and irrationality. It can also be frustrating to hear because they are right; we should be doing more. Precisely because they are unable to hold this discord, children need to see action and take action so that their sadness can turn outward into change, rather than inward into helplessness and depression. What they need from us is support, love, truth, and strategies for action that can make them feel they can effect change. We also need to take action ourselves. We need to look at our own spheres of influence and do what we can to shift the systems we are a part of towards racial equity. Talking to our children about racism cannot be our only action.

I told my daughter that we could write on our driveway in chalk, "I stand with George Floyd." She said, "But then police will come and put their knees onour necks." I said, "I don't think so. I think police in our community will see that and say, 'I wish those police officers hadn't done that because now they are making people scared of all of us.'" She is thinking about it. I am not invested in the action she takes because I am taking my own actions. But as her parent, I want to help empower her, help her to process. Whatever she does-whether she chooses to protest or not, whether she writes a letter, whether she says a prayer, whether she publicly declares support, it's not about vindicating my own success as an anti-racist parent or demonstrating our woke-ness as a family. It's about helping her process her emotions, and helping her feel like she can do something in the face of despair.

It can be overwhelming to realize we need to be "consistent, persistent, and enduring" in our efforts as parents to help our children learn anti-racism. But at the same time, it means that we have second chances. We can come back to the conversation. It's not about one big conversation when they turn 13; it's about many tiny one-minute or five-minute conversations every day or every few days for their entire lives. In the meantime, as our children see us chart our own steps toward action, they will be able to more carefully calibrate the actual--vs. feared--risks of speaking out, so that they can begin to calculate their own steps today and every day.

Blending Models and Technology: How Might We Do Education Better?

With weeks of remote learning under our belts, it might be time to reimagine what we ask of ourselves and our students.
Read the Post

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ONLINE EXCLUSIVE: Talking With White Children About George Floyd

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Following the police killing of George Floyd in Minneapolis in May, many white people have been asking me, "What is the right thing to say to my white children about George Floyd?" There is no one right thing to say, of course.

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by Ibram X. Kendi

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Racism isn't always obvious, but it can be found almost everywhere. This hour, TED speakers explore the effects of everyday and systemic racism in America-and how we can work to defeat it.

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Suggestions on managing the changing social media landscape within the current events

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In these past few days, we are experiencing an intensity that is hard to put in words. I am not going to write about all that is happening in the wake of a pandemic, protests, politics, and so much more. What I want to focus on is how we help our kids emotionally and mentally right now. Social media and news are playing a major role in many of their lives currently. Social media can connect youth with others, but at the same time, there are increasingly more taxing and painful posts of yelling, riots, death.

Teens say they have never seen Instagram change so quickly. For example, today many people are posting black squares for #blackouttuesday. These past few days, it is only socially acceptable to post about the current events happening. If anything gets posted that is not related to the issues at hand, then people write "Read The Room" - meaning don't post your usual content, such as a photo of a sunset or a happy selfie.

With all this intensity happening on social media, it is more important than ever to figure out effective ways to be engaged in our kids' lives. I have some suggestions here and I hope some bit of it may feel helpful.
Validate, validate, validate
Youth are extremely energized by what is going on, and social media is on fire, particularly, Instagram with calls to action. Many of us, including myself, want to help our teens see the 360-degree view of the situations, but that reaction often makes them feel we don't respect what they are feeling. Validation is letting them know that you understand why they think something and that it is valid. It does not mean you condone it, or agree with them, although you very well might. It is saying you love them, and you want to understand how they see things. What they believe is so important, and we want them to know that.
The power of other adults
One of the key things parents can do right now is to purposely enlist the wonderful wisdom of other adults to share with their kids. For example, my co-producer, Lisa, called her younger brother, who is close to her 16-year-old daughter, to have him talk to her about things she can do right now that are safe and useful. He stressed to her that going to big protests right now was not a wise idea for various reasons including Covid-19 risk and the potential for violence. He suggested instead, she put her energy into learning all she can at this moment. His words resonated with her.
Take advantage of nature to soothe emotions
I have been amazed by the number of birds I find that now let me get close to them and watch them pick up sticks and eat worms. My stress melts as I watch these scenes. If your kids or teens are not already unplugging to go outside, what are new ways that might entice them to? Things you could consider saying could include telling them you want to show them some cool nature you discover, or perhaps you can tell them you are feeling emotional and it would help your mood if during the day they had 15 minutes to go on a walk with you. You could ask another family to meet outside altogether (staying distant, of course). When our kids unplug and get outside, we all know how it can lift their spirits.
Calm, calm, calm, family conversations
Pull out an old photo, grab special cookies, show them a quick magic trick, do whatever you can do to bring the family together, lay on the rug, and just hug for a moment. Can all the outside images on screens be put aside for a few minutes during a family talk? Talk about anything, talk about the issues of the day, and focus on calm, calm, calm.
Be their sounding board for news
Work to get information to your children that you want them to see. One parent made sure to text her daughter key information she wanted her to know about current events. She knew emailing would not get it to her, but texting would. The information was reliable and not overly sensationalized. The sound, fact-based news brought clarity to some key issues. Her daughter read the text and found it helpful.
Help them get some sleep
is so convincingthat sleep is critical for the emotional health of our youth, and teens tell me that now that they are on their screens until 1 or 2 a.m. They need a break, and so many upsetting incidents are playing out late at night, which will cause their minds and hearts to race, keeping them up longer. Furthermore, you may be asleep and not there to tune into what they are feeling. When I ask teens if they need help ensuring getting to sleep earlier, many say yes that they do want their parent(s) to make sure their phone goes out of the bedroom. Others may not be happy at first, but after a few nights of better sleep, they may agree it's worth it.

Here are some ways to approach it:

Consider saying something like, "We are in such an intense and stressful time, and for me, I want to parent with integrity, and to be the best parent I can be, I really need to help get you a little more sleep than you have been getting. I know you want to be with your phone (or other devices) at night, but now is the time when sleep has to be the priority."

Consider everyone shutting down together. If you normally have a device in your room, perhaps you can say how you too are going to keep devices out of your room for this extremely volatile time so you too can get the best sleep possible so to be able to be your best self when facing everything in the day.
Final thought
Civic engagement is a good thing, no matter your politics. Our kids are thinking about these topics right now. Let's be a source of support and engage them in all the important topics of these intense times.

Here are a few questions to get the conversation going:

1. What things are you doing to take care of your emotional health during these times?

2. Which friends or family do you like talking to the most about what's going on?

3. What ways are things being talked about in social media and the news that you think is helping? What do you think is hurting?

4. What topics are happening right now that you want to learn more about?

We NOW have a way for people to host online events during this time. We still strongly believe in the coming together as a group model for showing both movies, so these temporary online events will be here only while the social distancing is in place.
Click here if you are interested in hosting an ONLINE screening for your community.

Click here if you want to attend an ONLINE screening.

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We are experiencing an intensity that is hard to put into words, and we must help our kids emotionally and mentally navigate. Their social media feeds - which already were playing a major role in their lives during the pandemic - are roiling with taxing and painful posts of yelling, riots, death.

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Ages 3 and up
Not your typical alphabet board book, this one packs a powerful message both visually as well as verbally. Each spread presents a letter and a bit of social commentary urging children to take a stand against war and violence, develop an awareness of our environment, and promote acceptance and equality for all cultures, races, religions, genders, and walks of life.

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by Mahzarin R. Banaji

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George Floyd and the Dominoes of Racial Justice

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George Floyd and the Dominoes of Racial Justice

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by The Daily Show with Trevor Noah

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George Floyd, Minneapolis Protests, Ahmaud Arbery & Amy Cooper | The Daily Social Distancing Show

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Racism and Violence: How to Help Kids Handle the News

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Racism and Violence: How to Help Kids Handle the News

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With protests over the violent deaths of black Americans dominating the news, it's understandable that many kids are feeling scared, confused or angry about the situation. How can parents, many of whom are struggling themselves, help children process what they're seeing and manage their feelings?

There's no one right answer. That said, there are a few guidelines parents can keep in mind to help kids deal with troubling news about race and violence.

Validate their feelings

Start by checking in with your child. Kids, even very young ones, are extremely perceptive, and they may have worries or concerns they don't know how to express.

This will look different for every child. Kids might be afraid of riots, of being hurt by the police, or worry that something bad could happen to loved ones. Avoid making assumptions. Instead, ask broad questions that give kids space to talk over what they're feeling: "How did you feel about what we saw on the news? What did it make you think about?"

For young children, drawing, painting or acting out stories with toys can be helpful tools for expressing thoughts and feelings that aren't easy to put into words.

Do your best to meet your child where they are and acknowledge their feelings, fears or worries.

Don't avoid talking about it

"Racism is not new," says Dr. Kenya Hameed, PsyD, a clinical neuropsychologist at the Child Mind Institute. "These are ongoing problems. It's going to take all of us changing the mentality and the mindset to work towards a better future and fix them."

That change, she emphasizes, can't and won't happen without frank, open conversation - a conversation that for most black families has never been optional. "It's really not a choice," says Dr. Hameed. For families of color, racism is a daily reality. "Black parents can't wait, even if they wanted to."

White parents, she says, can help by addressing race and racism with kids early and often. Research shows that even very young children are aware of racial differences, and children can learn harmful lessons about race when it's not discussed openly. It's helpful for white families to see that minimizing the legacy of racism in our society by avoiding ugly truths does children a disservice. Instead, white parents can commit to educating themselves and building conversations about race into kids' lives early on.

Additionally, white families can make a concerted effort to represent racial diversity in the products they buy for their children. For example, parents of white children can look for black dolls and books with predominantly black characters, which can help normalize diversity for kids and spark spontaneous, everyday conversations about race.

Be clear, direct and factual

Even with young children, use clear language. Don't say, "People are upset because some groups treat other groups unfairly." Instead, say: "This is about the way that white people treat black people unfairly."

"If you expect children to read between the lines, they can miss the message," says Dr. Hameed.

Emphasize that racial violence is wrong. It's easy for kids (especially little ones) to think that bad things happen to black people because black people are themselves bad. "Even if a child doesn't explicitly tell you this," says Dr. Hameed, "it is an easy assumption they can make based on how black people have been portrayed and treated in this country." Help children understand by speaking to them in a developmentally appropriate way. Emphasize to your child that black people are good and that being black doesn't make you bad. Treating people unfairly is the thing that's bad, and black people have been treated unfairly for a long time.

Talk about history. Kids need to know that racism is part of a history that dates back hundreds of years, Dr. Hameed notes. At the same time, you can also emphasize your hope for a better future and plan ways your family can help make that a reality.

Encourage questions - and don't worry if you can't answer them

Kids are likely to have lots of questions about racism and violence, and chances are they won't be easy ones. They might want to know how racism affects them or why white people treat black people unfairly. These aren't easy subjects and feeling uncomfortable during the conversation is normal - but it's not a reason to stop talking.

By tolerating discomfort you're modeling an important skill for your child. Be honest. You might say, "I find it really hard to talk about this. It feels scary. But it also makes me more hopeful about making change."

Try to be calm, but don't hide your emotions

Children take their cues from parents, so talking to them calmly and staying factual helps them process information. It's helpful to pick a time when you're feeling centered and have had a chance to work through your own feelings.

At the same time, it's important that we don't hide our emotions from children, especially when the subject is so important. Let them know that you're sad or angry, says Dr. Hameed, and acknowledge that it's good to be upset by injustice, as long as it doesn't stop you from working to make it better. That way, you'll leave kids with a clear lesson about the family values you want to pass on to them.

Rely on your support system

Witnessing scenes of racist violence is deeply upsetting for many parents, but for parents of children of color, it can also be traumatic. Take time to check in with your own mental health during this time, especially given the additional stress of the coronavirus crisis. If you're feeling exhausted or overwhelmed, reach out to your networks for support. Friends, family members, religious leaders and mental health professionals can all help you process your own emotions and plan conversations with children.

It can also help to bring in trusted allies to talk to your children themselves - having an adult perspective that doesn't come from a parent can give them more space to sort through what they're feeling and ask questions.

Keep the conversation open

Like any important topic, racism and violence aren't something you can have "the talk" about just once. For kids of any age and race, this is something that's going to keep coming up, so be sure to let your kids know that you're there for them whenever they need to talk - and keep checking in proactively, too.

Explore resources

No matter what challenges come up as you talk with your kids, there are lots of great resources out there to help you continue these crucial conversations. Check out the following resources for further help and support along the way:

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Racism and Violence: How to Help Kids Handle the News | Child Mind Institute

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With protests over the violent deaths of black Americans dominating the news, it's understandable that many kids are feeling scared, confused or angry about the situation. How can parents, many of whom are struggling themselves, help children process what they're seeing and manage their feelings? There's no one right answer.

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Ages 3 and up
A story about a black father learning to do his daughter’s hair for the first time and the special bond they share

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Whistling Vivaldi: And Other Clues of how Stereotypes Affect Us 

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Whistling Vivaldi: And Other Clues of how Stereotypes Affect Us 

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by Claude Steele

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Our lives, our cultures, are composed of many overlapping stories. Novelist Chimamanda Adichie tells the story of how she found her authentic cultural voice -- and warns that if we hear only a single story about another person or country, we risk a critical misunderstanding.

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How to Talk to Kids About Racism, Protests, and Injustice

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How to Talk to Kids About Racism, Protests, and Injustice

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For many parents, talking to their children about the nationwide protests following the death of George Floyd may seem daunting. Racism, police brutality and civil disobedience are big topics that some parents might feel afraid to broach. Yet experts say it is essential to address them.

"Not talking about it sends a message that maybe what (children are) feeling isn't right," Dr. Jacqueline Dougé, a Maryland pediatrician and an author of the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) policy statement The Impact of Racism on Child and Adolescent Health, told TODAY Parents. "It also sends a message when it comes time to deal with hard conversations and hard issues ... that perception that child has is, 'I'm not going to be able to open up my (parents).'"

Sometimes parents shy away from a topic because they might not understand it well. But admitting to not knowing shows kids that parents are human - and are willing to look for an answer. Both the AAP and the American Psychological Association have talking points for parents to discuss race, for example.

"It is OK not to know how to talk about (a topic) and not exactly know what to say," Dougé said.

But being silent can give children unrealistic views.

"If we brush it under the carpet ... the message we are giving to our children is racism doesn't exist, races don't exist," Annette Nunez, a psychotherapist in private practice in Denver, told TODAY Parents. "Racism does exist ... it's really important to talk about it."

Dougé and Nunez shared ways to talk to children about the protests, Floyd's death and racism.

Research indicates that even infants notice racial differences, so kids are noticing it way before many parents even think about it. With younger children, books and toys can be good tools to help recognize and celebrate differences.

"Kids are starting to see what other people look like and what's normal. A white kid can ride a bike or black kids can ride a bike or Hispanic kids can ride a bike," Dougé said. "Kids need to be exposed to differences that are normal and celebrated."

To talk about racism and the protests with kids this age, Nunez suggests using the concept of fairness because little children understand this.

"Explain it in terms with experience that they've had. So maybe you talk about the time their brother got something and they didn't. Start explaining the concept of inequality and then to relating it to the protests," Nunez said.

When it comes to older children, parents can talk more specifically about what their children have heard or watched.

"Then parents can say, 'Let's talk a little bit more about your thoughts about that,'" Dougé said. "We've got to talk about it with them to validate their feelings."

It's important for parents to listen to their children and respond to what they say while still relating it to their children's experiences.

"They need to know they are being heard and have a safe area to process these feelings and ask a question," Nunez said.

As children get older the conversations will be more advanced, but it is still important for parents to keep an open mind. Parents should encourage middle school children to ask questions.

"See what they're feeling, then gauge your conversation based on that," Nunez said. "They need to know they have can a voice about it, they know they're being heard, they know they have a safe area to process these uncomfortable conversations."

Dougé says it's important for parents to watch media with their children or simply talk about what they're watching.

"Let them, perhaps, direct the conversation," she said. "There's also an opportunity if your son or daughter is telling you about this video they saw on YouTube to say, 'OK, I haven't seen that, can I see that?"

Again, it is important to ask questions to high school students, but parents should expect that teens are familiar with protests (and racial inequality).

"You've got to be honest with yourself that they know about it. This is everywhere," Dougé said.

But understanding what they know and adding context can help.

"It's really important to hear their voice, but then also use books to show them images of historic protests," Nunez said. "Really start showing the history of race and racism and protesting because it's not something that's new. It's something that has existed and it's a part of our history."

It can also be a time where parents talk to their teens about critical thinking and media literacy. Parents can say something like: "Oh, that's interesting. Where did you get that information?" Dougé suggested.

"These are opportunities when they're starting to become independent and parents are helping them develop those skills," Dougé said. "You're shepherding your kids so that they can become an adult that's a free thinker and can make the world a better place. I think that's what all parents want for their kids."

The authors of the book "All American Boys" joined TODAY to discuss how to talk about racism, protests and police violence with kids. Their book is about two boys, one black, one white, whose lives are forever linked and changed by an act of police violence. Here are Jason Reynolds' and Brendan Kiely recommend the following books for further reading by parents and kids:

"Ways to Make Sunshine," by Renée Watson

"Black Imagination: Black Voices on Black Futures," by Natasha Marin

"Stamped: Racism, Antiracism, and You," by Jason Reynolds and Ibram X. Kendi

"Let's Talk About Race," by Julius Lester and Karen Barbour (for very young readers)

"This Side of Home," by Renée Watson (for Middle Grade and YA readers)

"So You Want To Talk About Race," by Ijeoma Oluo (for adults)

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How to talk to kids about racism, protests: An age-by-age guide

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For many parents, talking to their children about the nationwide protests following the death of George Floyd may seem daunting. Racism, police brutality and civil disobedience are big topics that some parents might feel afraid to broach. Yet experts say it is essential to address them.

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Ages 5 and up
A tribute to Mrs. Rosa Parks' historical and courageous refusal to give up her seat on a public bus.

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by Ta-Nehisi Coates

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Author on How White Parents can Talk to Kids about Race

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MICHEL MARTIN, HOST:

By now, we assume most people have heard about the talk - that's the conversation many African American parents have with their kids about how to avoid altercations with police or what to do and say if you're stopped. But with the recent unrest sparked by anger over police brutality against black men, it got us thinking about the role that white parents could play in talking to their kids about race.

Jennifer Harvey is the author of "Raising White Kids: Bringing Up Children In A Racially Unjust America." She's also professor of religion at Drake University. And she's with us now.

Professor Harvey, thanks so much for talking to us.

JENNIFER HARVEY: Thank you so much for having me.

MARTIN: You just actually wrote a piece for cnn.com titled "How Do I Make Sure I'm Not Raising The Next Amy Cooper?" - Amy Cooper being the white woman in Central Park who was recently recorded calling the police on an African American man who had just asked her to leash her dog, which is, in fact, the law...

HARVEY: Yeah.

MARTIN: And, you know...

HARVEY: Yes.

MARTIN: ...Invoking his race - basically saying, I'm going to tell the police that a black man is threatening me. And I want to read from what you wrote. You say, most white parents of today have come up in families in which white silence was a pervasive norm in our socialization. These same parents are now passing such silence on to their kids. Could you talk a bit more about that?

HARVEY: Sure. So, you know, many white Americans today were raised in families where explicit racism was not what parents were trying. Now, of course, some white Americans were raised in such families, but many of us were raised in families that thought that they were teaching equality. But the way that they did that was to just say, well, we're all equal and not say anything more explicit about, what does it mean when you believe everyone should be equal, but many members of our society do not experience equality?

And so what happens is the racist culture that we live in. And Dr. Beverly Daniel Tatum talks about it as smog. Our kids, our youth, we adults just breathe it in, so we end up showing up in racist ways even from - when we come from families where equality was the presumed value.

MARTIN: You say that - well, here's what you wrote. You said that sometimes, it sounds like everybody's equal. Sometimes we white parents tell our kids, be colorblind. Sometimes we even say celebrate diversity. And you say, but we say this while failing to notice we're expecting children to be magically immune from the same racism-induced tensions that get in the way of white adults successfully navigating diversity and sustaining interracial relationships. I mean, you say sort of the consequence of that is the silence you said kind of breeds what?

HARVEY: It breeds a lack of capacity among white people to engage well in conversations about race, to talk about and respond when racism is happening. So we literally develop not enough capacity to, for example, oh, I hear racism out on the street or from a co-worker. Should I challenge it? What should I say about it? And then, if I have friendships across racial lines, if my African American colleagues or friends see me be silent because I don't know what to do, I become untrustworthy, right?

So I think about this with children and youth, for example. You asked about - you know, named the talk. If my 11-year-old, who is white - if I only ever say to her, hey, police are safe, go find one if you're in trouble, but her African American cousin who's 13 is learning really complicated messages about the police because his parents have to teach him that, they can be great friends for a while, but eventually over time, their friendship - the depth of it will erode because she - my white child will not be able to identify with her African American cousin, her African American friends.

And so I have to teach my kids, we all white Americans have to teach our white kids how to identify with that experience and how to be good friends to black and brown youth as they grow up. And that requires us teaching about - them about racism. And it requires us teaching them and modeling anti-racism, which is something a lot of white Americans really struggle with, even when we think we want to.

MARTIN: So let's talk some practical things here. Obviously, this has a very deep stem, and there are so many more conversations that ensue, but - or should ensue, as you point out. Let's start with a video like the one that just surfaced - clearly not the first, but it may be the first for some child, right - seeing what has emerged here at this African American man being pinned to the street, you know, saying I can't breathe and calling for help and the other officers standing around to - you know, some of them participating and one of them just standing there.

HARVEY: Yes.

MARTIN: How do you discuss this? Do you wait for the child to come to you? Do you show it to the child and say, this is something I need to talk about with you?

HARVEY: So in white families, we cannot wait to talk about it with our children, because segregation is so deep that if we just wait, it will never come up. Having said that, I never show my video - my children videos of black people being killed by police. I try not to watch those videos myself. I do talk about the videos with them. And I started doing that work with my own children before they even had words, really. I would make sure we were in spaces where we were engaged in anti-police brutality visuals and organizing.

And I knew they wouldn't exactly understand what was going on. But, for example, my 5-year-old one time - after a rally we were at when we got in the car, she started saying, black people are not safe. And I said, yes. That's true. And then she said, white - but we're white, so we are safe. And I said, yeah, that's true, too. And then I said to her, and the reason we went to this rally to be with people is because we're trying to tell the government - that's how you tell it to a 5-year-old - we're trying to tell the government that everybody deserves to be safe.

So now, you know, six years later, she's already got deep understanding of this. And so we can talk about what happened to George Floyd and, you know, we were much further along the conversation than if I had waited until she was 14 to start talking about this with her.

MARTIN: Obviously, for some people who just feel that people of color, black people in particular, are inferior or are in - prone to criminality and therefore deserve whatever happens to them - that's a different mindset, right - different conversation?

HARVEY: Yes.

MARTIN: But for people who just say, you know what? This stuff just gives me a headache. I don't want to be bothered. This isn't my problem. I just - why do I have to think about this? I have problems of my own. What do you say?

HARVEY: Well, when I get to talk to those folks, or when they'll say that out loud to me, I ask them what they would do it - would they call it a headache if it was their child or their sister or their brother or their parent? To white parents who say, this is too much work, or this is too much, and I'm tired, my messaging, my belief and the way I'm trying to live, is, we're talking about our fellow human beings. And it could be - you know, if it - what would you do? What would you do on behalf of your own?

And then my work as a parent is to raise my kids in a way where they experience communities of color, black people, Latino people, literally being human beings they identify with as part of their human network. And that's something that hasn't really happened, in part because of segregation, in the United States.

MARTIN: That's Jennifer Harvey. She's the author of "Raising White Kids: Bringing Up Children In A Racially Unjust America."

Professor Harvey, thanks so much for talking to us.

HARVEY: Thank you so much for having me, Michel.

Copyright © 2020 NPR. All rights reserved. Visit our website terms of use and permissions pages at www.npr.org for further information.

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'Raising White Kids' Author On How White Parents Can Talk About Race

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MICHEL MARTIN, HOST: By now, we assume most people have heard about the talk - that's the conversation many African American parents have with their kids about how to avoid altercations with police or what to do and say if you're stopped.

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Helping Children Cope With Frightening News

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Helping Children Cope With Frightening News

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When tragedy strikes, as parents you find yourself doubly challenged: to process your own feelings of grief and distress, and to help your children do the same.

I wish I could tell you how to spare your children pain, when they've lost friends or family members, and fear, when disturbing events occur, especially when they're close to home. I can't do that, but what I can do is share what I've learned about how to help children cope and process disturbing events in the healthiest way.

As a parent, you can't protect you children from grief, but you can help them express their feelings, comfort them, help them feel safer, and teach them how to deal with fear. By allowing and encouraging them to express their feelings, you can help them build healthy coping skills that will serve them well in the future, and confidence that they can overcome adversity.

Break the news. When something happens that will get wide coverage, my first and most important suggestion is that you don't delay telling your children about what's happened: It's much better for the child if you're the one who tells her. You don't want her to hear from some other child, a television news report, or the headlines on the front page of the New York Post. You want to be able to convey the facts, however painful, and set the emotional tone.

Take your cues from your child. Invite her to tell you anything she may have heard about the tragedy, and how she feels. Give her ample opportunity to ask questions. You want to be prepared to answer (but not prompt) questions about upsetting details. Your goal is to avoid encouraging frightening fantasies.

Model calm. It's okay to let your child know if you're sad, but if you talk to your child about a traumatic experience in a highly emotional way, then he will likely absorb your emotion and very little else. If, on the other hand, you remain calm, he is likely to grasp what's important: that tragic events can upset our lives, even deeply, but we can learn from bad experiences and work together to grow stronger.

Be reassuring. Talking about death is always difficult, but a tragic accident or act of violence is especially tough because of how egocentric children are: they're likely to focus on whether something like this could happen to them. So it's important to reassure your child about how unusual this kind of event is, and the safety measures that have been taken to prevent this kind of thing from happening to them. You can also assure him that this kind of tragedy is investigated carefully, to identify causes and help prevent it from happening again. It's confidence-building for kids to know that we learn from negative experiences.

Help children express their feelings. In your conversation (and subsequent ones) you can suggest ways your child might remember those she's lost: draw pictures or tell stories about things you did together. If you're religious, going to church or synagogue could be valuable.

Be developmentally appropriate. Don't volunteer too much information, as this may be overwhelming. Instead, try to answer your child's questions. Do your best to answer honestly and clearly. It's okay if you can't answer everything; being available to your child is what matters. Difficult conversations like this aren't over in one session; expect to return to the topic as many times as your child needs to come to terms with this experience.

Be available. If your child is upset, just spending time with him may make him feel safer. Children find great comfort in routines, and doing ordinary things together as a family may be the most effective form of healing.

Memorialize those who have been lost. Drawing pictures, planting a tree, sharing stories, or releasing balloons can all be good, positive ways to help provide closure to a child. It's important to assure your child that a person continues to live on in the hearts and minds of others. Doing something to help others in need can be very therapeutic: it can help children not only feel good about themselves but learn a very healthy way to respond to dealing with grief.

Read More:

Helping Children Cope After a Traumatic Event
The Teacher's Role When Tragedy Strikes
Signs of Trauma in Children

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Scared Kids | How to Deal with Fear | Getting Over Fear | Child Mind Institute

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When tragedy strikes, as parents you find yourself doubly challenged: to process your own feelings of grief and distress, and to help your children do the same. I wish I could tell you how to spare your children pain, when they've lost friends or family members, and fear, when disturbing events occur, especially when they're close to home.

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The Youngest Marcher by Cynthia Levinson

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The Youngest Marcher by Cynthia Levinson

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Ages 5 and up
Based on a true story: In 1963, hundreds of children were jailed in the City of Birmingham for joining the Children's March. Nine-year old Audrey Faye Hendricks was taken from her family and spent a week behind bars. This story honors her perseverance and determination to make a difference

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by Ijeoma Oluo

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Clint Smith: The Danger of Silence

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“We spend so much time listening to the things people are saying that we rarely pay attention to the things they don’t,” says poet and teacher Clint Smith. A short, powerful piece from the heart, about finding the courage to speak up against ignorance and injustice.

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Talking to Children After Racial Incidents 

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Talking to Children After Racial Incidents 

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by Dr. Howard Stevenson
Image Credit: Chris Kendig Photography

Parents have a natural instinct to teach and protect their children. Police-involved killings, the shooting of unarmed black men, peaceful protests that turn violent - incidents that are often traumatic for adults - can make these two instincts feel in conflict.

Do we try to explain the strife our child sees on television? Or should we try to shield her from such "grown up" problems?
Why is this a conversation parents and guardians need to have?
We can't hide our children from the world. Your child is probably already more aware of race, class, and gender differences than you realize. This can be a time to teach your child about social justice, while also helping process how painful these events can be for them, and for you.
Why talk about social justice?
Adults often have a romanticized view of childhood that ignores how much children actually know. Our research, for example, has found elementary children are acutely aware of racial attitudes. Talking about injustice allows children to make sense of the things that don't go right in the world.

At some point, your child will be treated differently. Or one of her friends will be. They will be exposed to or have a sense of unfairness or injustice that is rightfully upsetting.

Explain that: "I'd like for you to be able to talk about it if someone treats you unfairly because of the color of your skin, or because you are a girl, or because of your religion, or because of a disability."

Right now, as chaotic as things might seem, is a good time to begin having these conversations with your child. It opens the door to you saying, "Here's what we are going to do. Here's how we can face this. You might feel helpless, which is natural and OK. I want to talk to you about this so you can feel strong."

We can't hide our children from the world. Your child is probably already more aware of race, class, and gender differences than you realize.

Why talk about race?
We tell our kids not to approach strangers promising them candy. That's a scary situation for a child to imagine. Why do we do it? So children will be prepared for what to do.

Talking about race in America can be scary. People don't want to be seen as a racist or someone trying to start a conflict. But the less prepared we are to think about race and talk about race, the scarier those conversations are when they occur. And children need tools for how to feel and speak about these issues.

Video: How to Resolve Racially Stressful Situations (credit: TEDMED, 2016)
Remember "Affection, Correction, and Protection"
Think of this as a three-step plan for conversations about race and social justice:

1. Embrace your child's difference. Make it clear how much you care about her, how her difference is a gift, not a liability, and how not everyone will view it as a positive.

2. Correct misperceptions the world has about people who are diverse. We certainly know the adult world is filled with misinformation after a racist incident makes news. Kids hear that too. Help them better understand that no one is less human than another.

3. Monitor your child's emotions before, during, and after the conversation. Say, "this is an ongoing conversation." You're going to keep talking about these issues and they should too. When another incident makes headlines, follow up.

Reason it out
Kids are smarter than we give them credit for. Rather than simply give them rules ("Don't talk to strangers") give them reasons ("I would be afraid that a stranger would misunderstand you.")

Explain the reasons and emotions of why you are having this talk with a child. Explain that you want them to be able to talk about what makes them afraid, because that will make them strong.

It's OK if they're upset by what's happening in the world. You are too. Any reaction, as long as it's not violent or retaliatory, is OK.
How can you partner with other parents?
Every parent feels isolated having these hard conversations with their children. When you have the chance, practice having a hard conversation with your partner or a friend before you have to have it with your child.

Remember that other parents are struggling in the same ways that you are. Reach out to like-minded parents in your life at church, at your kids' games, waiting to pick them up from camp. What are we trying to say? What do we think they need to hear? What feelings am I having? Can I model how to share those feelings? If we can't communicate that, maybe someone else can. Who is that?
Avoid either/or
There's a reason many simple stories are told in terms of good guys and bad guys: It's easy to grasp. But this either/or construction doesn't help children reflect on the complexities in the world. Everyone has a family and loved ones.

A useful lesson is to teach a child how to refute an over-simplified either/or characterization. For example, why can't it be true that all Black, White, or Brown people act a certain way?

Many instances of injustice happen because a person dehumanizes someone else. It's much easier to be cruel or unfair if you are thinking of someone as not human. Ask your child to think, what if that person were my sibling? What feelings would I have?

Or ask, how would you like to be seen if a stranger comes up to you? That's how I'd like you to think about other people.
Listen
Don't assume you are the only one with wisdom to bring to the conversation. Children teach us too.

The more you listen for what your child already knows, what they are concerned about, what they are afraid of, the more you'll be able to help them speak and feel confidently about matters of social justice. And keep listening, because your child will need you to keep that conversation going.

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Dr. Howard Stevenson, a clinical psychologist at Penn and founder of Lion's Story, studies racial literacy and racial trauma. He works with educators and families to help them understand the emotions that racial incidents can bring about, and how to reduce their negative effects on health and well being.
This post was adapted from the original interview posted by Penn GSE in July 2016.

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Talking to Children After Racial Incidents

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by Dr. Howard Stevenson Parents have a natural instinct to teach and protect their children. Police-involved killings, the shooting of unarmed black men, peaceful protests that turn violent - incidents that are often traumatic for adults - can make these two instincts feel in conflict.

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MELISSA MAJCHRZAK/NBAE/GETTY IMAGES

When the police break your teammate's leg, you'd think it would wake you up a little.

When they arrest him on a New York street, throw him in jail for the night, and leave him with a season-ending injury, you'd think it would sink in. You'd think you'd know there was more to the story.

You'd think.

But nope.

I still remember my reaction when I first heard what happened to Thabo. It was 2015, late in the season. Thabo and I were teammates on the Hawks, and we'd flown into New York late after a game in Atlanta. When I woke up the next morning, our team group text was going nuts. Details were still hazy, but guys were saying, Thabo hurt his leg? During an arrest ? Wait - he spent the night in jail?! Everyone was pretty upset and confused.

Well, almost everyone. My response was..... different. I'm embarrassed to admit it.

Which is why I want to share it today.

Before I tell the rest of this story, let me just say real quick - Thabo wasn't some random teammate of mine, or some guy in the league who I knew a little bit. We'd become legitimate friends that year in our downtime. He was my go-to teammate to talk with about stuff beyond the basketball world. Politics, religion, culture, you name it - Thabo brought a perspective that wasn't typical of an NBA player. And it's easy to see why: Before we were teammates in Atlanta, the guy had played professional ball in France, Turkey and Italy. He spoke three languages! Thabo's mother was from Switzerland, and his father was from South Africa. They lived together in South Africa before Thabo was born, then left because of apartheid.

It didn't take long for me to figure out that Thabo was one of the most interesting people I'd ever been around. We respected each other. We were cool, you know? We had each other's backs.

Anyway - on the morning I found out that Thabo had been arrested, want to know what my first thought was? About my friend and teammate? My first thought was: What was Thabo doing out at a club on a back-to-back??

Yeah. Not, How's he doing? Not, What happened during the arrest?? Not, Something seems off with this story. Nothing like that. Before I knew the full story, and before I'd even had the chance to talk to Thabo..... I sort of blamed Thabo.

I thought, Well, if I'd been in Thabo's shoes, out at a club late at night, the police wouldn't have arrested me. Not unless I was doing something wrong.

Cringe.

It's not like it was a conscious thought. It was pure reflex - the first thing to pop into my head.

And I was worried about him, no doubt.

But still. Cringe.

A few months later, a jury found Thabo not guilty on all charges. He settled with the city over the NYPD's use of force against him. And then the story just sort of..... disappeared. It fell away from the news. Thabo had surgery and went through rehab. Pretty soon, another NBA season began - and we were back on the court again.

Life went on.

But I still couldn't shake my discomfort.

I mean, I hadn't been involved in the incident. I hadn't even been there. So why did I feel like I'd let my friend down?

Why did I feel like I'd let myself down?

A few weeks ago, something happened at a Jazz home game that brought back many of those old questions.

Maybe you saw it: We were playing against the Thunder, and Russell Westbrook and a fan in the crowd exchanged words during the game. I didn't actually see or hear what happened, and if you were following on TV or on Twitter, maybe you had a similar initial viewing of it. Then, after the game, one of our reporters asked me for my response to what had gone down between Russ and the fan. I told him I hadn't seen it - and added something like, But you know Russ. He gets into it with the crowd a lot.

Of course, the full story came out later that night. What actually happened was that a fan had said some really ugly things at close range to Russ. Russ had then responded. After the game, he'd said he felt the comments were racially charged.

The incident struck a nerve with our team.

In a closed-door meeting with the president of the Jazz the next day, my teammates shared stories of similar experiences they'd had - of feeling degraded in ways that went beyond acceptable heckling. One teammate talked about how his mom had called him right after the game, concerned for his safety in SLC. One teammate said the night felt like being "in a zoo." One of the guys in the meeting was Thabo - he's my teammate in Utah now. I looked over at him, and remembered his night in NYC.

Everyone was upset. I was upset - and embarrassed, too. But there was another emotion in the room that day, one that was harder to put a finger on. It was almost like..... disappointment, mixed with exhaustion. Guys were just sick and tired of it all.

This wasn't the first time they'd taken part in conversations about race in their NBA careers, and it wasn't the first time they'd had to address the hateful actions of others. And one big thing that got brought up a lot in the meeting was how incidents like this - they weren't only about the people directly involved. This wasn't only about Russ and some heckler. It was about more than that.

It was about what it means just to exist right now - as a person of color in a mostly white space.

It was about racism in America.

Before the meeting ended, I joined the team's demand for a swift response and a promise from the Jazz organization that it would address the concerns we had. I think my teammates and I all felt it was a step in the right direction.

But I don't think anyone felt satisfied.

There's an elephant in the room that I've been thinking about a lot over these last few weeks. It's the fact that, demographically, if we're being honest: I have more in common with the fans in the crowd at your average NBA game than I have with the players on the court.

And after the events in Salt Lake City last month, and as we've been discussing them since, I've really started to recognize the role those demographics play in my privilege. It's like - I may be Thabo's friend, or Ekpe's teammate, or Russ's colleague; I may work with those guys. And I absolutely 100% stand with them.

But I look like the other guy.

And whether I like it or not? I'm beginning to understand how that means something.

What I'm realizing is, no matter how passionately I commit to being an ally, and no matter how unwavering my support is for NBA and WNBA players of color..... I'm still in this conversation from the privileged perspective of opting in to it. Which of course means that on the flip side, I could just as easily opt out of it. Every day, I'm given that choice - I'm granted that privilege - based on the color of my skin.

In other words, I can say every right thing in the world: I can voice my solidarity with Russ after what happened in Utah. I can evolve my position on what happened to Thabo in New York. I can be that weird dude in Get Out bragging about how he'd have voted for Obama a third term. I can condemn every racist heckler I've ever known.

But I can also fade into the crowd, and my face can blend in with the faces of those hecklers, any time I want.

I realize that now. And maybe in years past, just realizing something would've felt like progress. But it's NOT years past - it's today. And I know I have to do better. So I'm trying to push myself further.

I'm trying to ask myself what I should actually do.

How can I - as a white man, part of this systemic problem - become part of the solution when it comes to racism in my workplace? In my community? In this country?

These are the questions that I've been asking myself lately.

And I don't think I have all the answers yet - but here are the ones that are starting to ring the most true:

I have to continue to educate myself on the history of racism in America.

I have to listen. I'll say it again, because it's that important. I have to listen.

I have to support leaders who see racial justice as fundamental - as something that's at the heart of nearly every major issue in our country today. And I have to support policies that do the same.

I have to do my best to recognize when to get out of the way - in order to amplify the voices of marginalized groups that so often get lost.

But maybe more than anything?

I know that, as a white man, I have to hold my fellow white men accountable.

We all have to hold each other accountable.

And we all have to be accountable - period. Not just for our own actions, but also for the ways that our inaction can create a "safe" space for toxic behavior.

And I think the standard that we have to hold ourselves to, in this crucial moment..... it's higher than it's ever been. We have to be active. We have to be actively supporting the causes of those who've been marginalized - precisely because they've been marginalized.

Two concepts that I've been thinking about a lot lately are guilt and responsibility.

When it comes to racism in America, I think that guilt and responsibility tend to be seen as more or less the same thing. But I'm beginning to understand how there's a real difference.

As white people, are we guilty of the sins of our forefathers? No, I don't think so.

But are we responsible for them? Yes, I believe we are.

And I guess I've come to realize that when we talk about solutions to systemic racism - police reform, workplace diversity, affirmative action, better access to healthcare, even reparations? It's not about guilt. It's not about pointing fingers, or passing blame.

It's about responsibility. It's about understanding that when we've said the word "equality," for generations, what we've really meant is equality for a certain group of people. It's about understanding that when we've said the word "inequality," for generations, what we've really meant is slavery, and its aftermath - which is still being felt to this day. It's about understanding on a fundamental level that black people and white people, they still have it different in America. And that those differences come from an ugly history..... not some random divide.

And it's about understanding that Black Lives Matter, and movements like it, matter, because - well, let's face it: I probably would've been safe on the street that one night in New York. And Thabo wasn't. And I was safe on the court that one night in Utah. And Russell wasn't.

But as disgraceful as it is that we have to deal with racist hecklers in NBA arenas in 2019? The truth is, you could argue that that kind of racism is "easier" to deal with.

Because at least in those cases, the racism is loud and clear. There's no ambiguity - not in the act itself, and thankfully not in the response: we throw the guy out of the building, and then we ban him for life.

But in many ways the more dangerous form of racism isn't that loud and stupid kind. It isn't the kind that announces itself when it walks into the arena. It's the quiet and subtle kind. The kind that almost hides itself in plain view. It's the person who does and says all the "right" things in public: They're perfectly friendly when they meet a person of color. They're very polite. But in private? Well..... they sort of wish that everyone would stop making everything "about race" all the time.

It's the kind of racism that can seem almost invisible - which is one of the main reasons why it's allowed to persist.

And so, again, banning a guy like Russ's heckler? To me, that's the "easy" part. But if we're really going to make a difference as a league, as a community, and as a country on this issue..... it's like I said - I just think we need to push ourselves another step further.

First, by identifying that less visible, less obvious behavior as what it is: racism.

And then second, by denouncing that racism - actively, and at every level.

That's the bare minimum of where we have to get to, I think, if we're going to consider the NBA - or any workplace - as anything close to part of the solution in 2019.

I'll wrap this up in a minute - but first I have one last thought.

The NBA is over 75% players of color.

Seventy-five percent.

People of color, they built this league. They've grown this league. People of color have made this league into what it is today. And I guess I just wanted to say that if you can't find it in your heart to support them - now? And I mean actively support them?

If the best that you can do for their cause is to passively "tolerate" it? If that's the standard we're going to hold ourselves to - to blend in, and opt out?

Well, that's not good enough. It's not even close.

I know I'm in a strange position, as one of the more recognized white players in the NBA. It's a position that comes with a lot of..... interesting undertones. And it's a position that makes me a symbol for a lot of things, for a lot of people - often people who don't know anything about me. Usually, I just ignore them. But this doesn't feel like a "usually" moment.

This feels like a moment to draw a line in the sand.

I believe that what's happening to people of color in this country - right now, in 2019 - is wrong.

The fact that black Americans are more than five times as likely to be incarcerated as white Americans is wrong. The fact that black Americans are more than twice as likely to live in poverty as white Americans is wrong. The fact that black unemployment rates nationally are double that of overall unemployment rates is wrong. The fact that black imprisonment rates for drug charges are almost six times higher nationally than white imprisonment rates for drug charges is wrong. The fact that black Americans own approximately one-tenth of the wealth that white Americans own is wrong.

The fact that inequality is built so deeply into so many of our most trusted institutions is wrong.

And I believe it's the responsibility of anyone on the privileged end of those inequalities to help make things right.

So if you don't want to know anything about me, outside of basketball, then listen - I get it. But if you do want to know something? Know I believe that.

Know that about me.

If you're wearing my jersey at a game? Know that about me. If you're planning to buy my jersey for someone else...... know that about me. If you're following me on social media..... know that about me. If you're coming to Jazz games and rooting for me..... know that about me.

And if you're claiming my name, or likeness, for your own cause, in any way..... know that about me. Know that I believe this matters.

Thanks for reading.

Time for me to shut up and listen.

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MELISSA MAJCHRZAK/NBAE/GETTY IMAGES When the police break your teammate's leg, you'd think it would wake you up a little. When they arrest him on a New York street, throw him in jail for the night, and leave him with a season-ending injury, you'd think it would sink in.

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Ages 5 and up
"Chloe and her friends won't play with the new girl, Maya. Every time Maya tries to join Chloe and her friends, they reject her. Eventually Maya stops coming to school. When Chloe's teacher gives a lesson about how even small acts of kindness can change the world, Chloe is stung by the lost opportunity for friendship, and thinks about how much better it could have been if she'd shown a little kindness toward Maya."

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Clint Smith: How to Raise a Black Son in America

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TED Talks are influential videos from expert speakers on education, business, science, tech and creativity, with subtitles in 100+ languages. Ideas free to stream and download.

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Supporting Vulnerable Students in Stressful Times: Tips for Parents 

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Supporting Vulnerable Students in Stressful Times: Tips for Parents 

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National Association of School Psychologists (NASP)

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The current climate of divisiveness, anger and fear in this country is having a significant impact on many children and adults. Feelings of uncertainty are particularly heightened for communities and families struggling to understand and cope with hate-based violence, discriminatory or threatening actions or speech, and shifting policies that are causing new uncertainties for specific populations. This marks an important time for families and schools to work together to foster supportive relationships, to help children understand their emotional reactions, and to teach effective coping and conflict resolution strategies. The tips and related resources in this document are intended to help you support your children.

It is important for parents to understand the effect of stressors and trauma on life functioning. Experiencing stress and adversity can contribute to both internal symptoms (such as anxiety, depression, grief, fear, anger, and isolation) and external behaviors (such as reactivity, aggression, and behavior problems). Children may be concerned about actions or statements that they hear or see in the news. Recent events in their communities or reported in the media may cause children to fear that they or their family and friends may be targeted because of their gender, race, cultural or religious background, sexual orientation, or immigration status.

The following represent concerning reactions that you should monitor in your children.

Isolation or refusal to attend school.

Withdrawal from peers or social activities.

Withdrawal from extracurricular activities at school or in the community.

Reports of bullying, harassment, or intimidation in school, the community, or on social media.

You can promote a sense of safety for children by doing the following.

Set limits around television and social media viewing, because too much exposure can increase fears.

Provide a consistent structure and routine for children, as this helps to generate a sense of psychological safety.

Provide a safe place for your children to talk about their fears.

Encourage healthy and safe coping strategies.

Emphasize that there are many adults in this country who care deeply about them and who will do all they can to ensure that children and their families are safe and remain together.

Maintain contact with your children's teachers, as they can connect children with supports inside the school where they can talk through their feelings and reactions.

Seek help immediately from your school's psychologist, counselor, social worker, and/or nurse if your child is experiencing strong emotional reactions and/or you have noticed significant changes to his/her behavior.

Immediately report any instances of bullying, harassment, or discrimination that your child observes or experiences to school administrators.

Report hate crimes to local law enforcement and the Southern Poverty Law Center.

Adult reactions can influence children's' reactions. Children may look to adults to determine how to respond and cope with stress. You can model appropriate coping strategies in the following ways.

Communicate with loved ones about feelings and healthy coping strategies.

Take care of your own physical health.

Make time to do things you enjoy with family and friends in your community.

Access school and community resources. Many schools have parent and/or cultural liaisons who can help connect families to supports in their communities.

Help others in your community by referring them to helpful resources.

Reinforce and focus on your child's strengths, and promote their sense of belonging. All children and families bring unique skills, strengths, and knowledge to our society. Build and emphasize those strengths in the following ways.

Help your children find others who allow them to share their knowledge about their origins, customs, and culture.

Identify positive activities that can help your children feel they are heard. For example, students can write a letter to the president-elect expressing their hopes and desires for the new administration.

Identify activities your children can engage in to show support and solidarity for each other and for their local and school communities.

Remember that at any time, should you or your children struggle with feelings of stress, please reach out to your school and community organizations for support. While many families may fear drawing attention to their diverse backgrounds, there are individuals and organizations who want to help. Talk to representatives of your school or local cultural or faith organizations. Other organizations include:

Contributors: Charles Barrett, Shereen Naser, Shawna Rader Kelly, and Melissa Reeves.

© 2019, National Association of School Psychologists, 4340 East West Highway, Suite 402, Bethesda, MD 20814, 301-657-0270, www.nasponline.org

Please cite this document as:

National Association of School Psychologists. (2019). Supporting Vulnerable Students in Stressful Times: Tips for Parents [handout]. Bethesda, MD: Author.

Note. This handout was adapted from the NASP handout, "Supporting Marginalized Students in Stressful Times: Tips for Educators." Schools and community agencies may adapt this handout to local needs for educational and student support purposes as long as proper credit is given to NASP.

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Supporting Vulnerable Students in Stressful Times: Tips for Parents

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The current climate of divisiveness, anger and fear in this country is having a significant impact on many children and adults. Feelings of uncertainty are particularly heightened for communities and families struggling to understand and cope with hate-based violence, discriminatory or threatening actions or speech, and shifting policies that are causing new uncertainties for specific populations.

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Yesterday I was tagged in a post by an old high school friend asking me and a few others a very public, direct question about white privilege and racism. I feel compelled not only to publish his query, but also my response to it, as it may be a helpful discourse for more than just a few folks on Facebook.

Here's his post:

To all of my Black or mixed race FB friends, I must profess a blissful ignorance of this "White Privilege" of which I'm apparently guilty of possessing. By not being able to fully put myself in the shoes of someone from a background/race/religion/gender/nationality/body type that differs from my own makes me part of the problem, according to what I'm now hearing. Despite my treating everyone with respect and humor my entire life (as far as I know), I'm somehow complicit in the misfortune of others. I'm not saying I'm colorblind, but whatever racism/sexism/other -ism my life experience has instilled in me stays within me, and is not manifested in the way I treat others (which is not the case with far too many, I know).

So that I may be enlightened, can you please share with me some examples of institutional racism that have made an indelible mark upon you? If I am to understand this, I need people I know personally to show me how I'm missing what's going on. Personal examples only. I'm not trying to be insensitive, I only want to understand (but not from the media). I apologize if this comes off as crass or offends anyone.

Here's my response:

Hi, Jason. First off, I hope you don't mind that I've quoted your post and made it part of mine. I think the heart of what you've asked of your friends of color is extremely important and I think my response needs much more space than as a reply on your feed. I truly thank you for wanting to understand what you are having a hard time understanding. Coincidentally, over the last few days I have been thinking about sharing some of the incidents of prejudice/racism I've experienced in my lifetime-in fact I just spoke with my sister Lesa about how to best do this yesterday-because I realized many of my friends-especially the white ones-have no idea what I've experienced/dealt with unless they were present (and aware) when it happened. There are two reasons for this: 1) because not only as a human being do I suppress the painful and uncomfortable in an effort to make it go away, I was also taught within my community (I was raised in the '70s and '80s-it's shifted somewhat now) and by society at large NOT to make a fuss, speak out, or rock the boat. To just "deal with it," lest more trouble follow (which, sadly, it often does); 2) fear of being questioned or dismissed with "Are you sure that's what you heard?" or "Are you sure that's what they meant?" and being angered and upset all over again by well-meaning-but-hurtful and essentially unsupportive responses.

White privilege in this situation is being able to move into a "nice" neighborhood and be accepted not harassed.

So, again, I'm glad you asked, because I really want to answer. But as I do, please know a few things first: 1) This is not even close to the whole list. I'm cherry-picking because none of us have all day; 2) I've been really lucky. Most of what I share below is mild compared to what others in my family and community have endured; 3) I'm going to go in chronological order so you might begin to glimpse the tonnage and why what many white folks might feel is a "where did all of this come from?" moment in society has been festering individually and collectively for the LIFETIME of pretty much every black or brown person living in America today, regardless of wealth or opportunity; 4) Some of what I share covers sexism, too-intersectionality is another term I'm sure you've heard and want to put quotes around, but it's a real thing too, just like white privilege. But you've requested a focus on personal experiences with racism, so here it goes:

1. When I was 3, my family moved into an upper-middle-class, all-white neighborhood. We had a big backyard, so my parents built a pool. Not the only pool on the block, but the only one neighborhood boys started throwing rocks into. White boys. One day my mom ID'd one as the boy from across the street, went to his house, told his mother, and, fortunately, his mother believed mine. My mom not only got an apology, but also had that boy jump in our pool and retrieve every single rock. No more rocks after that. Then mom even invited him to come over to swim sometime if he asked permission. Everyone became friends. This one has a happy ending because my mom was and is badass about matters like these, but I hope you can see that the white privilege in this situation is being able to move into a "nice" neighborhood and be accepted not harassed, made to feel unwelcome, or prone to acts of vandalism and hostility.

2. When my older sister was 5, a white boy named Mark called her a "nigger" after she beat him in a race at school. She didn't know what it meant, but in her gut she knew it was bad. This was the first time I'd seen my father the kind of angry that has nowhere to go. I somehow understood it was because not only had some boy verbally assaulted his daughter and had gotten away with it, it had way too early introduced her (and me) to that term and the reality of what it meant-that some white people would be cruel and careless with black people's feelings just because of our skin color. Or our achievement. If it's unclear in any way, the point here is if you've never had a defining moment in your childhood or your life where you realize your skin color alone makes other people hate you, you have white privilege.

I remember some white male classmates were pissed that a black classmate had gotten into UCLA while they didn't.

3. Sophomore year of high school. I had Mr. Melrose for Algebra 2. Some time within the first few weeks of class, he points out that I'm "the only spook" in the class. This was meant to be funny. It wasn't. So, I doubt it will surprise you I was relieved when he took medical leave after suffering a heart attack and was replaced by a sub for the rest of the semester. The point here is, if you've never been 'the only one' of your race in a class, at a party, on a job, etc. and/or it's been pointed out in a "playful" fashion by the authority figure in said situation, you have white privilege.

4. When we started getting our college acceptances senior year, I remember some white male classmates were pissed that a black classmate had gotten into UCLA while they didn't. They said that affirmative action had given him "their spot" and it wasn't fair. An actual friend of theirs. Who'd worked his ass off. The point here is, if you've never been on the receiving end of the assumption that when you've achieved something it's only because it was taken away from a white person who "deserved it," you have white privilege.

5. When I got accepted to Harvard (as a fellow AP student, you were witness to what an academic beast I was in high school, yes?), three separate times I encountered white strangers as I prepped for my maiden trip to Cambridge that rankle to this day. The first was the white doctor giving me a physical at Kaiser:

Me: "I need to send an immunization report to my college so I can matriculate."

Doctor: "Where are you going?"

Me: "Harvard."

Doctor: "You mean the one in Massachusetts?"

The second was in a store, looking for supplies I needed from Harvard's suggested "what to bring with you" list.

Store employee: "Where are you going?"

Me: "Harvard."

Store employee: "You mean the one in Massachusetts?"

The third was at UPS, shipping off boxes of said "what to bring" to Harvard. I was in line behind a white boy mailing boxes to Princeton and in front of a white woman sending her child's boxes to wherever.

Woman to the boy: "What college are you going to?" Boy: "Princeton."

Woman: "Congratulations!"

Woman to me: "Where are you sending your boxes?" Me: "Harvard."

Woman: "You mean the one in Massachusetts?"

I think: "No, bitch, the one downtown next to the liquor store." But I say, gesturing to my LABELED boxes: "Yes, the one in Massachusetts."

Then she says congratulations, but it's too fucking late. The point here is, if no one has ever questioned your intellectual capabilities or attendance at an elite institution based solely on your skin color, you have white privilege.

6. In my freshman college tutorial, our small group of 4-5 was assigned to read Thoreau, Emerson, Malcolm X, Joseph Conrad, Dreiser, etc. When it was the week to discuss The Autobiography of Malcolm X, one white boy boldly claimed he couldn't even get through it because he couldn't relate and didn't think he should be forced to read it. I don't remember the words I said, but I still remember the feeling-I think it's what doctors refer to as chandelier pain-as soon as a sensitive area on a patient is touched, they shoot through the roof-that's what I felt. I know I said something like my whole life I've had to read "things that don't have anything to do with me or that I relate to" but I find a way anyway because that's what learning is about-trying to understand other people's perspectives. The point here is-the canon of literature studied in the United States, as well as the majority of television and movies, have focused primarily on the works or achievements of white men. So, if you have never experienced or considered how damaging it is/was/could be to grow up without myriad role models and images in school that reflect you in your required reading material or in the mainstream media, you have white privilege.

7. All seniors at Harvard are invited to a fancy, seated group lunch with our respective dorm masters. (Yes, they were called "masters" up until this February, when they changed it to "faculty deans," but that's just a tasty little side dish to the main course of this remembrance). While we were being served by the Dunster House cafeteria staff-the black ladies from Haiti and Boston who ran the line daily (I still remember Jackie's kindness and warmth to this day)-Master Sally mused out loud how proud they must be to be serving the nation's best and brightest. I don't know if they heard her, but I did, and it made me uncomfortable and sick. The point here is, if you've never been blindsided when you are just trying to enjoy a meal by a well-paid faculty member's patronizing and racist assumptions about how grateful black people must feel to be in their presence, you have white privilege.

He was getting stopped by cops constantly because he was a black man in a luxury car.

8. While I was writing on a television show in my 30s, my new white male boss-who had only known me for a few days-had unbeknownst to me told another writer on staff he thought I was conceited, didn't know as much I thought I did, and didn't have the talent I thought I had. And what exactly had happened in those few days? I disagreed with a pitch where he suggested our lead female character carelessly leave a potholder on the stove, burning down her apartment. This character being a professional caterer. When what he said about me was revealed months later (by then he'd come to respect and rely on me), he apologized for prejudging me because I was a black woman. I told him he was ignorant and clearly had a lot to learn. It was a good talk because he was remorseful and open. But the point here is, if you've never been on the receiving end of a boss's prejudiced, uninformed "how dare she question my ideas" badmouthing based on solely on his ego and your race, you have white privilege.

9. On my very first date with my now husband, I climbed into his car and saw baby wipes on the passenger-side floor. He said he didn't have kids, they were just there to clean up messes in the car. I twisted to secure my seatbelt and saw a stuffed animal in the rear window. I gave him a look. He said, "I promise, I don't have kids. That's only there so I don't get stopped by the police." He then told me that when he drove home from work late at night, he was getting stopped by cops constantly because he was a black man in a luxury car and they assumed that either it was stolen or he was a drug dealer. When he told a cop friend about this, Warren was told to put a stuffed animal in the rear window because it would change "his profile" to that of a family man and he was much less likely to be stopped. The point here is, if you've never had to mask the fruits of your success with a floppy-eared, stuffed bunny rabbit so you won't get harassed by the cops on the way home from your gainful employment (or never had a first date start this way), you have white privilege.

10. Six years ago, I started a Facebook page that has grown into a website called Good Black News because I was shocked to find there were no sites dedicated solely to publishing the positive things black people do. (And let me explain here how biased the coverage of mainstream media is in case you don't already have a clue-as I curate, I can't tell you how often I have to swap out a story's photo to make it as positive as the content. Photos published of black folks in mainstream media are very often sullen- or angry-looking. Even when it's a positive story! I also have to alter headlines constantly to 1) include a person's name and not have it just be "Black Man Wins Settlement" or "Carnegie Hall Gets 1st Black Board Member," or 2) rephrase it from a subtle subjugator like "ABC taps Viola Davis as Series Lead" to "Viola Davis Lands Lead on ABC Show" as is done for, say, Jennifer Aniston or Steven Spielberg. I also receive a fair amount of highly offensive racist trolling. I don't even respond. I block and delete ASAP. The point here is, if you've never had to rewrite stories and headlines or swap photos while being trolled by racists when all you're trying to do on a daily basis is promote positivity and share stories of hope and achievement and justice, you have white privilege.

Trust me, nobody is mad at you for being white. Nobody.

OK, Jason, there's more, but I'm exhausted. And my kids need dinner. Remembering and reliving many of these moments has been a strain and a drain (and, again, this ain't even the half or the worst of it). But I hope my experiences shed some light for you on how institutional and personal racism have affected the entire life of a friend of yours to whom you've only been respectful and kind. I hope what I've shared makes you realize it's not just strangers, but people you know and care for who have suffered and are suffering because we are excluded from the privilege you have not to be judged, questioned, or assaulted in any way because of your race.

As to you "being part of the problem," trust me, nobody is mad at you for being white. Nobody. Just like nobody should be mad at me for being black. Or female. Or whatever. But what IS being asked of you is to acknowledge that white privilege DOES exist and not only to treat people of races that differ from yours "with respect and humor," but also to stand up for fair treatment and justice, not to let "jokes" or "off-color" comments by friends, co-workers, or family slide by without challenge, and to continually make an effort to put yourself in someone else's shoes, so we may all cherish and respect our unique and special contributions to society as much as we do our common ground.

With much love and respect,

Lori

This article was originally published by Good Black News. It has been edited for YES! Magazine.

Read more of on White privilege and racial justice:
10 Examples That Prove White Privilege Exists in Every Aspect Imaginable The Language of Antiracism Leveraging White Privilege for Racial Justice
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My White Friend Asked Me on Facebook to Explain White Privilege. I Decided to Be Honest - YES! Magazine

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He wanted to know how institutional racism has made an impact on my life. I'm glad he asked, because I was ready to answer.