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As I was introduced to new conversations about topics that arose from my humanities courses, I began to take an interest in the intellectual conversations that were being had around me. I had gotten a sense that the adults in my circle cared more about the stability of our economy than the rights of human beings, the amount of taxes they could find loopholes in rather than researching how to be charitable, removing the homeless folks from their cities rather than addressing the mental health stigma. I was faced with the reality that I had been unknowingly benefitting from a system of 'whiteness' my entire life. I struggled with this deeply, not to imply white guilt or a white savior complex, as I knew right away that I would spend the rest of my life committed to joining the fight against the unjust system.

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When I reached high school I was confronted faced barrier of being a horrible test taker. No matter how many hours of studying I would do, I always found myself scoring low on exams or not finding them adequate in  holistically measuring my content knowledge.  I received As because I was able to prove my participation and work ethic over the course of a year, but performing on individual tests set me behind my classmates. I spent ten weekends preparing for the ACT and  SAT but I was never able to get the scores that I felt were a good measure of the type of student I was.

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Growing up the only thing I cared about was making it home after school to play sports in the neighborhood with friends. As I grew older...well what I was going to say was how much I changed, but that would not be true. My priorities remained relatively the same until I was about a junior in high school. I thought I cared about school, but what I cared about was getting good grades to be granted social freedom from my parents. Both of my parents had steady incomes and fully financially supported my siblings and I, so there was no weight on my shoulders to have any responsibilities aside from having fun. In sunny Southern California, where there are virtually no seasons, there was not much I could complain about.

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After Allegra shared with us the gravity and danger that comes along with asking for decolonizing curriculum, I do not in this exact moment feel equipped to answer the question of what exactly my responsibilities are in relation to this topic. I will update this box when I feel that I speak my truth to what a decolonized curriculum presents for me as an educator. 7/6/21

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My relationship to violence, although minimum, has manifested in the demonstrations that I have participated in. I am a firm believer that peaceful protests are a good start to things, but too many times shit does not change until ‘violent’ behavior occurs. I quote the term violent because I think that we have to speak the language of our oppressors, if law enforcement are the ones creating these narratives for folks but killing people on the other hand, who can judge who? The phrase two wrongs don't make a right has been ingrained in me by my mother since childhood but history tells us that violence talks. I also understand that my short relationship to violence/me having not lived in violence yet chosen to attend violence makes my opinion less informed.

As a white body that I am statistically in less danger than a BIPOC person at a protest, for this reason I understand my bias toward embracing violence or putting myself on the front lines.

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While delving into deep identity and positionality conversations with my classmates in BE3 I have made myself vulnerable and tried my best to be receptive to others who wanted to do the same. In trying to keep in mind the critical race theory objectives I recognize how I belong to the whiteness that serves as an oppressor in our institutions or how I have unknowingly perpetuated these injustices. However, I think in this process I lost track of the most important part, speaking my truth. In the beginning I felt an unnecessary urge to match or surpass the traumas of my peers, in hopes that it would serve as some sort of connection between us. Looking back at my first autoethnography I might have been experiencing a twisted inferiority complex due to a falsehood that I created in my mind about lacking hardships. Becoming vulnerable (so I have come to learn) is offering what I have experienced and then giving the rest of myself to my peers. This course, or this entire program for that matter, has been a bumpy path of un-pealing the onion of my identity and contemplating my relationship to race/sexual orientation/religion/socioeconomic status/ ableism. Experiencing this discomfort in break rooms thus far, I hope, has made others comfortable to do the same.

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To be an educator for social justice I can not stand in front of my students and tell them to fight for equality but not take myself to the streets.

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In order to be a teacher for social justice I have to lead by example.

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Where does that leave me?

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While the jobs of educators at Coliseum College Prep Academy (my cite placement) need to take a more holistic approach to education, taking into account that recourses and a stable home life are not a given like they might have been at my high school. I understand how my role as a mentor in the classroom might be less/more academic depending on what particular students in the CCPA family need from me.

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The jobs of my teachers in my South Orange County high school rarely extended beyond making sure that we understood course content (only 11% of students at my high School were on free and reduced lunch programs).

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I understand why there are rules and regulations in place for appropriate teacher-student behavior. However, it is skewed to ask me to follow a uniform set of rules while having diverse groups of students with diverse needs across regions. I envision my teaching identity to recall on my past experiences in juxtaposition to my present conditions.

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I want to be a teacher who takes risks.

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Why am I giving you a movie review? You didn't ask for this.

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The photo I selected to frame this assignment is of Paula Patton, the actress who played Ms. Raines in the film Precious (2009). In the beginning, the film alludes to the ‘teacher saves student form ghetto narrative’ but as the film progresses I realised that (unlike Freedom Writers), Ms. Raines does not subscribe to heteronormativity. The premise of Ms. Raines impact was not to help her students adopt the white/straight/cisgender story-line but rather her life functioned as a vehical to empower Precious.