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Hello Marco, I will give you my feedback on your writing piece. A strength you have is the amount of personality you give to the characters. The way that Blake is so confused about where he is while the others are already way ahead of him and are ready for anything. Another strength is the way you make the story so fast paced. The story is fast when Blake arrives in the Underland. All of the events are popping and are powerful moments. A wish I have for you is about how you can improve the character of Blake and his reactions to these events. You could have him react like “Why am I here now and why is this happening to me?” You could also add “I just want to get out of here and I don’t want to be a part of this.”

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Hi Andrew. A star that was present in these sentences “It’s one of the happiest moments for a child  to do."We all make choices in life, but in the end our choices make us."’ I really enjoy this because it really strengthens the end of your writing piece even more. One more thing that shines in your writing is your writing is very clear cut and gets straight to the point and right into the details. Your writing demonstrates that it is important to get to the point and use details to back up your writing which really helps in the perspective department. One thing that I wish you could change is make this sentence “Then it hits 2 people, and the child starts to move around”This is very confusing because the reader is not going to know if he just got a double kill or there is only him and another person so if you made this more clear it can help your writing.

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Shalom Marco! I really liked in your essay how you described many things, one of them that caught me was the way you described a moment as, “He gloomily walks over to his Nintendo Switch,” The way you described that showed what feeling he was in just by that moment. Another thing that caught me was, “The police officer wakes up in extreme agonizing pain.” Showing me how the police officer had felt in that moment and showing something causing pain struck him only moments ago. One thing that you can change about this is that maybe a moment like “To elaborate more, the data above proves that if children play video games that are violent like GTA V, Call Of Duty, Skyrim, etc.” and maybe change it because if someone reads that and doesn’t understand like I didn’t fully understand what was so bad at about the game.

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Hello, Marco! I saw lots of great material in your writing that you should definitely continue through your writing that you need to keep. I found the creativity in your anecdotes were phenomenal with persuasion and emotion for the readers. Though there were also so many creative choices you had concluded from your paragraph. Such as the quote from Master Chief about courageous people changing the scripts of our lives was powerful with what you are conveying in this paragraph. Though when browsing through your essay nothing really lingered in my head but another star I have was the specifics you named. I caught a glimpse of specific videogames in you anecdotes such as Minecraft, GTA V, Call of Duty, Skyrim, Super Smash Bros., and much more. This really fits for what your persuasive essay is trying to be and you’ve made a well crafted essay.
-Henry Beversluis

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A strength of your memoir was how you changed from feeling free to trying to get out of the mess you were in. You enjoyed being careless and having fun. You contradicted yourself when you wanted to desperately return to the camp. Another strength of your memoir was how you described what happened when you flew into the trees. You described how you got thrown off of your bike.  The description of the way you got up slowly . My one wish for you is that you can extend the scenes of what happened. Add more detail and descriptions. Describe how you felt when you were in the tight forest and when you landed.

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The greatest part of all was about you going down the hill with your friends. It sounded like you had a lot of fun. Also, the part I also adore was when you described a lot when you fell off your bike. I would absolutely appreciate if you told me if you had a cut. Keep it up, Marco!

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I was able to keep up with your pinches of humor that you added which can and will be a strong writing tool for future pieces. Your fluentness with external and internal perspectives is impressive and will definitely hook readers to your piece. My one small wish is for you to add more relation for your moral and the rest of your piece because it took a little while for both of them to reside in my head but you still did great!

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A strength that your memoir had is that there were a lot of similes like “I saw my friend speed past me like a bird flying away in the wind”, “My knees felt like they were gonna pop like a wine bottle cap on New Years”, “I flew into the air like a plane taking off” , etc. This really made your piece pop out even more.Other strength is that you really show how you were feeling saying things like “my stomach became a giant knot”, “My knees felt like they were gonna pop”, “My knee trembled with every step” these really made your memoir way better.One thing that you could do better is that when you said “I felt my water bottle fall” i think is that you should have elaborated on this to make the reader even more interest.

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A strength of your writing is when you said “Wonderful Well Written” that really hooks the reader in the rest of the About Me.  You used alliteration which is a strategy that pulls us in. Another thing you did really well was that you talked to the reader in your writing. “At the time you're reading this, I don’t know if the pandemic will be over or not but I wish you well in the Battle of The Germs.” This whole sentence is talking to the reader which can strengthen your writing. Something that I wish you could do better was adding more detail like you said things like “My favorite video games are, Stardew Valley, Minecraft, and Star Wars Battlefront Remastered.”, “I highly dislike COVID-19, Pollution and Black liquorice.”If you had added a bit more detail that could have made your writing amazing.

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Marco this is awesome! The beginning is great and your induction is awesome. I really like your word choice! This is a really good, but talking to people in the future when this is all over BLEW ME AWAY! It was outstanding! I do think you can add some more on to your introduction like make it little longer but apart from that i hope this works out for you!

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Marco this is awesome! The beginning is great and your induction is awesome. I really like your word choice! This is a really good, but talking to people in the future when this is all over BLEW ME AWAY! It was outstanding! I do think you can add some more on to your introduction like make it little longer but apart from that i hope this works out for you!

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Your introduction really states who you are. You also state the readers as “fellow students”. The way you said “Wonderful Well Written About Me” told me that you are dedicated to this writing and that you are sophisticated. You open with “My Name is Marco.” You introduced yourself in the second sentence so you can address the reader. You really focus on soccer in your paragraph. You talk about how you use soccer to de-stress yourself. You play soccer every Thursday and Saturday for games and practice. You can put some more detail about your likes and dislikes. The way you wrote it is just kind of listing them. You could add why you like Stardew Valley or why you dislike black liquorice.

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I really liked how you love soccer, I can connect. Also I like how you described what you did during COVID. Also I liked how you said you played lots of video games during COVID I connect to most of the things you wrote. I want you to write more about it  even though the writing was good. I think you should describe more of the things you wrote like soccer. You can tell me what you love about soccer or what food you love and why. There’s only so many things you can write. I just want you to write more things.

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I can see you really gave all these concepts and little pieces of your personality to share with your readers and help them understand how you function as a person. I also understood how you put more into the most current events of your life like COVID-19 and how it has become one of your fears and has shaped how you think and grow.  I only have one point that could have been a little bit better for my taste and it is how I think your writing was mostly surface and you could have gone a little more into depth.