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The Grief Quiz:
https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/grief-quiz.htm

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Great resource in identifying both negative and positive coping mechanisms

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Drug and Addiction Treatment Centers | Promises

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Life is filled with challenges, interpersonal conflict, physical and emotional pain, loss, and stress. It doesn't matter who you are - no one goes through life unscathed. Some people also experience significant trauma, be it a childhood scarred by abuse, neglect or the tragic loss of one or both parents; a near-death experience as an adult; being the adult victim of violence or abuse; or witnessing something horrible happen to a loved one.

Regardless of your past - your life "story" up until now - what matters most is how you cope. All of us learn various "coping mechanisms" as children. For example, as a very young child you may have clung to a favorite blanket or sucked your thumb to comfort yourself when you were scared. As you got a little older, you may have used humor to deflect or hide emotional pain, or acted out when you wanted attention from your workaholic parents. Perhaps you took a healthier route and channeled angry or painful feelings into physical activity, tearing up the asphalt as a sprinter or slamming tennis balls in vigorous volleys with a teammate.

Perhaps you learned to use alcohol or drugs as a way to cope. Substance abuse is one of the most popular - and destructive - means of coping with life stressors for many adolescents and adults. Many, if not most , addictions start out as an ill-fated attempt to relax after a stressful day, calm down after a conflict with a significant other, feel more confident in an uncomfortable social situation, or numb painful feelings of rejection or loss. It worked so well the first time, you did it again and again. Before you knew it, you were drinking or using every time you felt stressed or experienced unwanted emotions. And now you're an addict.

If lasting recovery is one of your goals, it's essential to examine the coping mechanisms you've been using over the years (in addition to substance abuse). You'll find that one of the keys to recovery is making sure you identify maladaptive coping techniques and begin to replace them with new, healthy ones. Doing so will help keep you on the right path.

Common Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

Following are some of the more common unhealthy coping mechanisms - the ones that can easily trip you up and make you vulnerable to relapsing.

Denial - This is one of the most common coping mechanisms for addicts. It involves lying to yourself and others in an attempt to avoid facing the painful truth about yourself. If you're in recovery, you've already admitted (at least to some degree) that you have a problem with alcohol or drugs. But, you may still be using denial in other areas of your life. For example, maybe you're in denial about how troubled your marriage is or how critical you are of your children.

Avoidance - Avoidance is a common coping mechanism, especially for anyone prone to anxiety or low self-esteem. This is a particularly challenging habit to break, because each time you avoid something, you reinforce the behavior.

Displacement - This occurs when you redirect negative feelings about someone or something (e.g. anger at your boss, frustration about getting stuck in traffic) toward someone (or something) else - typically someone "safer" or someone who just happens to cross your path next, such as your spouse, your children, or a coworker. Unfortunately, this unhealthy coping technique can create serious problems in your relationships.

Procrastination - It's a rare person who doesn't procrastinate at least once in a while. But when you do it frequently, it creates a lot of problems in your life. It also leads to more stress, which is not good for anyone in recovery. If you are a procrastinator, you're most likely trying to avoid doing something undesirable, uncomfortable, or difficult.

Passive-aggressiveness - This is a very common coping mechanism for addicts. Hostility, anger, and / or hurt are usually the driving emotions behind passive-aggressive behavior. For example, you're angry that you had to cancel a weekend getaway because your mother-in-law came to visit unannounced, so you "accidentally" spill a glass of red wine all over her new silk blouse. Passive-aggressive behavior may make you feel good in the moment, but it will damage your relationships and keep you from dealing with negative feelings in a constructive manner.

Rationalization - Rationalization involves the use of "logic" or excuses to avoid facing the truth. For example, you may rationalize that you were passed over for a promotion at work because of your age, when, in reality, you were often late to important meetings and had bungled a recent high-priority project.

Staying ridiculously busy - Whether it's being a workaholic or keeping your schedule overbooked with activities, this is yet another way to avoid dealing with people, situations, or emotions that you don't want to face for one reason or another. You'll either burn yourself out or be forced to "face the music" at some point - both of which are powerful triggers for relapse.

Compartmentalization - This coping mechanism occurs when you mentally put conflicting emotions or thoughts into different "compartments". For example, a woman who's secretly involved with two men compartmentalizes her feelings for one whenever she's with the other. Sometimes compartmentalization serves a purpose, but those compartments inevitably start to "leak."

Intellectualization - This is another way to avoid or "shut out" negative or uncomfortable emotions. People who intellectualize often focus on things like facts, statistics, and logic - not only in their conversations with others, but in their own internal dialogue.

Trivialization - This involves minimizing or downplaying things that are important or significant, usually to your detriment. For example, you tell yourself it "isn't a big deal" when your spouse is verbally abusive to your or your children.

While there are other unhealthy coping mechanisms as well, those listed above are some of the most common. Did you recognize yourself in any of them?

Healthy Coping Mechanisms

There's a popular saying that "nature abhors a vacuum." The same tends to apply in psychology. That's one of the reasons addicts often struggle in their recovery. Giving up an addiction leaves a huge void in many different ways. It also means you've given up one of your primary coping mechanisms. So, now you need to replace it (as well as any other unhealthy coping mechanisms) with something else - something healthy and life-affirming, rather than detrimental or downright destructive.

Following are a several examples of healthy coping mechanisms. Some will seem like common sense, while others may seem unusual or foreign to you. Don't be too quick to rule out any of these, even if they don't seem like a good fit at first glance. For example, maybe the idea of meditating sounds a bit too "spiritual" or "new age" for you, or maybe you've always hated any type of exercise. However, since recovery is a new chapter in your life, it's also the perfect time to open yourself up to new practices.

Exercise - Exercise is hands-down one of the best coping mechanisms. In addition to helping you achieve and maintain a healthy weight, sleep better, and reduce your risk of developing a multitude of serious health problems, regular exercise also improves your emotional well-being. Aerobic exercise (e.g. jogging, brisk walking, cycling, and swimming) has been shown to reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression. In fact, studies have shown regular exercise to be just as effective as taking an antidepressant medication for depression. It also reduces stress, boosts self-confidence, and enhances self-esteem. If you find a type of exercise you enjoy and / or do it with a partner, you'll be much more likely to stick with it. (Always check with your doctor before embarking on an exercise program.)

Focusing on the positive - Relapses are often triggered by negative thinking. One of the best ways to avoid a downward spiral is to focus on the positive. Sometimes you may have to dig deep to find the silver lining, but it's there. This doesn't mean you should trivialize or minimize negative things; rather, acknowledge them and then look for the positive.

Practice gratitude - The key here is to "practice" gratitude, as it doesn't come naturally for most people. This means to consciously look for things - no matter how small - for which to be truly grateful. It might be a cool breeze on a hot day or running water - things we often take for granted. Some people find that keeping a daily "gratitude journal" is a great way to implement this coping mechanism. When you feel sad, angry, or down, read through your gratitude journal to boost your spirits and refocus your thoughts.

Journaling - There's a reason therapists recommend journaling - the act of writing down your thoughts and feelings - to their clients. Journaling is a great way to express your feelings - both positive and negative - in a safe, private place. Doing so on a regular basis will help you gain insight into yourself. Expressing yourself on paper also helps ensure that you don't keep negative feelings bottled up.

Meditation - Meditation is often associated with religious practice, but you don't have to be religious to enjoy its many benefits. It can be as simple as taking a few minutes to find a quiet place and sit in silence, focusing on nothing more than your breathing. When practiced regularly, meditation provides numerous mental and physical benefits by inducing deep relaxation, enhancing mindfulness, and reducing stress.

Deep breathing - Sometimes we all just need to take a deep breath. Formally practicing deep breathing - whenever you feel angry, upset, frustrated, stressed, or anxious - is an excellent way to reduce those negative feelings and calm yourself down. Practice breathing from the diaphragm, inhaling deeply and exhaling slowly.

Talking it out - As humans, we're not meant to be socially isolated. It's important to have someone - a trusted confidante who's a good listener - with whom you can disclose distressing feelings and thoughts. Talking about them is a good way to work through them. This is one of the reasons people go to therapy - to "talk out" whatever it is that's troubling them.

Turn your anger or pain into something useful - Many charities, volunteer organizations, and self-help / inspirational books were borne out of someone's pain or anger. For example, a woman who endured a painful, heart-breaking divorce writes a book to help other women see the light at the end of the tunnel. A man who lost his wife to ovarian cancer starts a charity to raise funds for ovarian cancer research. Whether you create your own project or join another, channeling negative feelings into something that will help others is a win/win situation and a great way to facilitate healing.

Hopefully these lists will help you recognize any unhealthy coping mechanisms you may still be using, while also providing ideas for new, beneficial ways to cope with the challenges that are an inevitable part of life. Your recovery is vital to your well-being. Decide today that you'll begin replacing negative ways of coping with ones that enhance your life - and your recovery.

If you or a loved one is being impacted by drug abuse, call to speak with a Promises Recovery Specialist.

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Life is filled with challenges, interpersonal conflict, physical and emotional pain, loss, and stress. It doesn't matter who you are - no one goes through life unscathed. Some people also experience significant trauma, be it a childhood scarred by abuse, neglect or the tragic loss of one or both parents; a near-death experience as an...

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This material was adapted from Helping Teens Cope with Death by Dougy Center. To order a copy of the book, visit our online bookstore or contact Dougy Center, 503-775-5683.

What is it like for teenagers when someone close to them dies? How do they respond to the death of a parent, a sibling, a relative, a friend?

In our work with teenagers, we've learned that teens respond better to adults who choose to be companions on the grief journey rather than direct it. We have also discovered that adult companions need to be aware of their own grief issues and journeys because their experiences and beliefs impact the way they relate to teens.

Six basic principles of teen grief

1. Grieving is the teen's natural reaction to a death. Grief is a natural reaction to death and other losses. However, grieving does not feel natural because it may be difficult to control the emotions, thoughts, or physical feelings associated with a death. The sense of being out of control that is often a part of grief may overwhelm or frighten some teens. Grieving is normal and healthy, yet may be an experience teens resist and reject. Helping teens accept the reality that they are grievers allows them to do their grief work and to progress in their grief journey.

2. Each teen's grieving experience is unique. Grieving is a different experience for each person. Teens grieve for different lengths of time and express a wide spectrum of emotions. Grief is best understood as a process in which bodily sensations, emotions, thoughts, and behaviors surface in response to the death, its circumstances, the past relationship with the deceased and the realization of the future without the person. For example, sadness and crying may be an expression of grief for one teen, while another may respond with humor and laughter.

"I hate it when people think I should be grieving according to the 'stages' described in some high-school health book. Since my sister's death I've learned that grief isn't five simple stages."

Kimberly, 17

While many theories and models of the grieving process provide a helpful framework, the path itself is an individual one, and often lonely. No book or grief therapist can predict or prescribe exactly what a teen will or should go through on the grief journey. Adults can best assist grieving teenagers by accompanying them on their journey in the role of listener and learner, and by allowing the teen to function as a teacher.

3. There are no "right" and "wrong" ways to grieve. Sometimes adults express strong opinions about "right" or "wrong" ways to grieve. But there is no correct way to grieve. Coping with a death does not follow a simple pattern or set of rules nor is it a course to be evaluated or graded.

There are, however, "helpful" and "unhelpful" choices and behaviors associated with the grieving process. Some behaviors are constructive and encourage facing grief, such as talking with trusted friends, journaling, creating art, and expressing emotion rather than holding it inside. Other grief responses are destructive and may cause long-term complications and consequences. For example, some teens attempt to escape their pain through many of the same escape routes adults choose: alcohol and substance abuse, reckless sexual activity, antisocial behaviors, withdrawal from social activities, excessive sleeping, high risk-taking behaviors, and other methods that temporarily numb the pain of their loss.

"My friend went crazy into drugs, sex, and skipping school after her boyfriend got killed in a skiing accident. She stopped talking about him. Now she's kicked out of school and is pregnant by a guy she hates. Since my boyfriend's car accident, I know what can happen if I make wrong choices like her."

4. Every death is unique and is experienced differently. The way teens grieve differs according to personality and the particular relationship they had with the deceased. They typically react in different ways to the death of a parent, sibling, grandparent, child, or friend. For many teens, peer relationships are primary. The death or loss of a boyfriend or girlfriend may seem to affect them more than the death of a sibling or grandparent.

"Expect the unexpected. Emily actually danced and sang after I told her that her mother died. I was shocked. Later I realized the relief we both felt. The relationship had been filled with her alcoholism, lies and illness."

Father of Emily, 17

Within a family each person may mourn differently at different times. One may be talkative, another may tend to cry often, and a third might withdraw. This can generate a great deal of tension and misunderstanding within the already stressed family. Each person's responses to death should be honored as his or her way of coping in that moment. Keep in mind that responses may change from day to day or even from hour to hour.

5. The grieving process is influenced by many issues. The impact of a death on a teen relates to a combination of factors including:

Social support systems available for the teen (family, friends and/or community)

Circumstances of the death - how, where and when the person died

Whether or not the young person unexpectedly found the body

The nature of the relationship with the person who died - harmonious, abusive, conflictual, unfinished, communicative

The teen's level of involvement in the dying process

The emotional and developmental age of the teen

The teen's previous experiences with death

6. Grief is ongoing. Grief never ends, but it does change in character and intensity. Many grievers have compared their grieving to the constantly shifting tides of the ocean; ranging from calm, low tides to raging high tides that change with the seasons and the years.

"I've had people say that you've got to go on, you've got to get over this. I just want to shout, 'You're wrong! Grief never ends.' I don't care what they say."

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Dougy Center for Grieving Children & Families | Portland, OR

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This material was adapted from Helping Teens Cope with Death by Dougy Center. To order a copy of the book, visit our online bookstore or contact Dougy Center, 503-775-5683. What is it like for teenagers when someone close to them dies? How do they respond to the death of a parent, a sibling, a relative, a friend?