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Positive Discipline: The Classic Guide to Helping Children Develop Self-Discipline, Responsibility, Cooperation, and Problem-Solving Skills

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Positive Discipline: The Classic Guide to Helping Children Develop Self-Discipline, Responsibility, Cooperation, and Problem-Solving Skills

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Whether you are in the trenches of potty training, are trying to teach your kids empathy, or need the magic formula to coparent with your ex, one thing is certain: You. Want. Answers.

With the overwhelming amount of information on the internet and the slew of parenting books that make their home on Amazon, it's nearly impossible to sift through the online bookshelves to find the help you need.

As an author myself, I get asked all the time, "Amy, what are your favorite parenting books?!" Well, my friend, it's nearly impossible to give you all of my favorites, but here are a FEW that I know you will love.

From general parenting advice to tackling specific struggles, this list of books will help you navigate many of the parenting issues you're facing.

Before we jump into our Top Picks for 2021, we just HAVE to tell you about a must-have book that's being released on March 16, 2021! Sure, at first glance it might not look like a parenting book, but for anyone with a parenting partner, this book will help lay the perfect foundation for a united parenting front.

By Jocelyn & Aaron Freeman

If you're parenting with a partner and have trouble getting on the same page, this book is for you! The Freemans are world-renown relationship experts and will help you make the most out of your adult relationship so that you and your parenting partner can do the best you can for your kids!

In this relatable, no b.s. book for couples, the Freemans explain what an argument hangover is, what causes it, and how to clearly communicate your needs to feel understood, without having to change each other.

This modern guide includes step-by-step tools and exercises you can implement right away, so you can handle the challenges that so many couples face today. Topics include:

Why conflict doesn't have to be something you avoid

How to keep arguments from escalating

How to resolve those nagging two or three disagreements that keep coming up

Embrace conflict and grow from it with the right communication skills―and say goodbye to argument hangovers once and for all.

Plus, if you preorder this book before March 16, you'll get access to 3 Pre-Order Bonuses worth over $200 - including a 4-part mini-course, a "debrief after conflict" guide, and a 90-minute communication training video. Simply order The Argument Hangover...and claim your bonuses here!

Now for our list of already-published parenting favorites...

By Ross W. Greene, Ph.D.

Do you feel like your child is out of control? Does your child often respond to problems by crying, screaming, swearing, hitting, etc? If you've tried everything and nothing seems to work, please get your hands on this book.

This compassionate, thoughtful, and practical book will give you the roadmap you need to diffuse these destructive behaviors in the moment and prevent them from happening in the future.

Dr. Greene will help you understand why traditional parenting methods of punishment and rewards don't work with explosive children and what to do instead.

By Rachel Macy Stafford

In Live Love Now, New York Times bestselling author Rachel Macy Stafford tackles the biggest challenges facing kids today and equips adults to engage them with humanness and heart, compassion and honesty to discover the deep, life-giving connection everyone is longing for.

What do young people need now more than ever? Adults who are Truth-tellers not taskmasters. Encouragers not enforcers. Guides not half-listeners. The good news is, it's not too late! No matter what's happened in the past, you can help the kids you love face the top stressors of today, including academic pressure, parental expectations, technoference, lack of purpose, isolation, and loneliness.

Whether you're a parent, educator, older sibling, coach, or anyone in a role of leading young people, Rachel Macy Stafford will help you meet the goal of raising and guiding young people to become resilient, compassionate, and capable adults.

By Jane Nelsen, Ed.D.

Jane Nelsen is the mother of Positive Discipline - the books, training and methodology based on the work of Alfred Adler, MD.

Jane's background as a psychologist, educator and mother of seven make her a trusted voice in parenting. In this book (and in all the books authored and co-authored by Jane) she shares practical strategies to help parents and teachers be both kind and firm, loving and consistent.

The key to Positive Discipline is not punishment, she tells us, but mutual respect. Jane will teach you strategies to get compliance from your children while still saving their dignity.

By Carol S. Dweck, Ph.D.

After a quick search of the title, you may be thinking, "Wait a second! That's not a parenting book!" Before you stop reading, my friend, let's get something straight: parenting, like most things in life, is all about mindset.

If YOU want to be a successful parent and you want to raise successful kids, then this book has EVERYTHING to do with parenting.

In this brilliant book, Dr. Dweck shows how success in almost every human endeavor (parenting included) can be dramatically influenced by how we think about our talents and abilities.

People with a fixed mindset-those who believe that abilities are fixed-are less likely to flourish than those with a growth mindset-those who believe that abilities can be developed. This must-read book reveals how great parents and teachers can put this idea to use to foster outstanding accomplishment in their kids.

By Leslie Josel

Our dear friend Leslie Josel (founder of Order Out of Chaos) developed the must-have guide for parents who struggle helping kids push through the roadblock of PROCRASTINATION.

Procrastination is especially tough for young adults. Getting started is overwhelming, it's hard to get motivated, not knowing how long things take messes up planning, and distractions are everywhere.

We are all wired to put things off, but we can learn tools and techniques to kick this habit. This book is a user-friendly guide to help teens get their tasks done. Simple, straightforward, and with a touch of humor, this book is packed with practical solutions and easily digestible tips to stay on top of homework, develop a sense of time, manage digital distractions, create easy-to-follow routines, and get unstuck.

In her breezy, witty style, internationally recognized academic and parenting coach Leslie Josel opens the door to a student's view of procrastination, dives deep into what that really looks like, and offers up her Triple Ts―tips, tools and techniques―to teach students how to get stuff done...now.

By Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, M.D.

By understanding what's happening in your child's brain, Dr. Siegel and Dr. Bryson give you strategies that work with your child's brain instead of against it. By implementing these 12 strategies, you'll help foster healthy brain development which leads to calmer, happier children.

Complete with age-appropriate strategies for dealing with day-to-day struggles and illustrations that will help you explain these concepts to your child, The Whole-Brain Child shows you how to cultivate healthy emotional and intellectual development so that your children can lead balanced, meaningful, and connected lives.

By Michelle Icard

This little book is a must-have guide for parents and educators who want to help the tweens in their lives navigate the socially fraught hallways, gyms, and cafeterias of middle school.
Michelle helps parents, teachers, and other adults in middle school settings understand the social dilemmas and other issues that kids today face.
She covers a large range of topics, beginning with helping us understand what is happening in the brains of tweens and how these neurological development affects decision-making and questions around identity. She also addresses social media, dating, and peer exclusion.

Using both recent research and her personal, extensive experience working with middle-school-aged kids and their parents, Icard offers readers concrete and practical advice for guiding children through this chaotic developmental stage while also building their confidence.

NEW FROM MICHELLE IN 2021! On February 23, 2021, Michelle is releasing her brand-new book 14 Talks by Age 14: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School. This book is another must-read for all parents who want to equip their teens with the skills they need to grow into capable and responsible adults. Pre-Order your copy today!

By Dr. Shefali Tsabary

In this book, Dr. Tsabary helps parents get in tune with their own psychological and emotional awareness. By encouraging parents to look in the mirror, Tsabary helps parents understand why it's important to be conscious of our own histories in order to pass along a positive wholeness to our children.

This book serves as a holistic approach to parenting, rather than a quick fix, but will help parents and children engage in a mutually loving relationship rather than a hierarchical one.

By Jamie Glowacki

Jamie is my go-to gal for all things potty training. Her no-nonsense approach to potty training is effective and informative, humorous and heartfelt. Jamie is a mama and social worker who has been there and helped thousands of parents cheer their toddler onto success in the bathroom.

Using no bribes and no gimmicks, Jamie can help you wave farewell to the diapers in your life for good!

By Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

This gem is a must-read for any parent who frequently finds themselves in the throes of a power struggle. This book is easy-to-read and packed with practical steps you can take to resolve conflict and improve cooperation from your children.

Filled with exact scripts and real-life examples, you'll learn how to talk with your kids in a way that diffuses their anger and allows you to reconnect with their sweet, loving side.

By Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

Adele and Elaine bring sound wisdom again in this second book! As parents themselves, they were determined to help their children get along. The result was Siblings Without Rivalry.
With the help of scripts and cartoons, they teach you how to manage the competition in a way that feels fair to all children.

This book offers practical strategies to improve cooperation among your children and reduce feelings of competition - all while helping your children connect to build lifelong friendships.

By Dr. Laura Markham

I couldn't choose my favorite book on Sibling Rivalry, so I had to include them both! Popular parenting expert Dr. Laura Markham tackles one of the greatest struggles parents face: sibling rivalry.

In this book, she shares strategies to improve the relationship between your children by equipping you with tools and scripts to use in the heat of the moment.

You'll learn how to decrease the competition in your home and how to foster a loving, supportive bond between siblings.

By Jessica Lahey

This book is a must-read for any parent of school-aged children! While many parents tout their desire to raise responsible, resilient, and independent adults, Jessica argues modern parenting strategies inhibit our progress towards this goal.

In this beautifully written manifesto, Jessica challenges the idea that we need to deliver the forgotten homework or try to resolve our kids' friendship troubles.

She explains that even though overprotective parents see themselves as being highly responsive to their child's well being, they are prohibiting their child from learning to solve problems on their own.

To help parents adjust their over-responsive tendencies, Lahey lays out a blueprint for handling homework, report cards, social dynamics, and sports. Most importantly, she sets forth a plan to help parents learn to step back and embrace their children's failures.

By Christina McGhee

Oh, sweet friend. If you are co-parenting or parenting apart from your ex, you NEED this book. This is the book every child of divorce wishes their parents would read!

Christina tackles all of the biggest issues of divorce and separation and helps you make a game plan for parenting your kids. You'll learn:

How and when to tell the children about the divorce

How to guide children through family change

How to help children cope with having two homes

Deal with finances

Manage a difficult relationship with an ex

And more so much more!

This book is relevant no matter what age your children are!

By Kim West, LCSW-C with Joanne Kenen

Are you losing sleep over your bedtime routine? Don't worry, The Sleep Lady has got you covered from infants to bigger kids. This step-by-step guide helps you tackle even the toughest bedtime struggles so you and your children can get the sleep you need, without any of the frustration leading up to it.

Having helped thousands of parents tackle the bedtime routine, The Sleep Lady is a trusted resource in the world of sleep training.

By Dr. Michele Borba

Dr. Borba tells us that teens today are forty percent less empathetic than they were thirty years ago. She argues that this lack of empathy hurts kids' academic performance, leads to more bullying, and correlates with more cheating and less resilience. But don't worry, not all hope is lost.

In this book, she offers a step-by-step plan to increase empathy in your children.

Empathy is a trait that can be taught and nurtured and Dr. Borba will teach you just how to do it, so that you can raise successful, happy kids who also are kind, moral, courageous, and resilient.

By Katie Hurley

In this self-promoting, digital age we live in, it's incredibly difficult to raise daughters who are able to confidently separate themselves from society's views of who they should be. When girls feel insecure and devalued, these feelings often manifest in ways that put other girls down instead of lifting them up.

Luckily, Katie provides actionable steps to help parents empower young girls to be kind, confident leaders who work together and build each other up.

Katie will help you and your daughter navigate this consumer-world so she can discern what positive traits she can offer this world. By empowering your daughter to focus on her strengths, you'll increase her self-confidence and ability to lead other girls well.

I hope this list helps you sort through the millions of parenting books on the shelves and that you'll find them helpful! These authors and teachers are incredibly wise, and you can trust that they are offering sound advice. I've also written a couple books that could be helpful to you, too!

In today's 24/7, often over-stimulated, over-indulged, can't get enough culture - many parents struggle to find the means to not only say "no" - but to connect with their kids in a way that allows them to better learn to be RESPECTFUL, RESPONSIBLE, and READY to meet a world where frankly, it's NOT all about them.

In this book, I outline the step-by-step strategies for empowering your kids without indulging them. Fueling their spirit - not just funding their wish-lists. Building bonds that can last a lifetime. Fostering compassion for others, rather than focusing on themselves. And parenting in powerfully positive, proactive, life-changing ways.

In this best-selling book, I point to one of the all-time great paradoxes of parenting: giving our children more power-not less-can put an end to power struggles in the home.

Drawing on Adlerian psychology, I explain that every human being has a basic need to feel powerful-with children being no exception to the rule. And when this need isn't met in positive ways, kids will resort to negative methods, which often result in some of the most frustrating behavior they exhibit.

Inside these pages you'll find step-by-step tools and instructions to diffuse the power struggles in your home!

If, after reading through some of these books, you're still looking for answers, I'd encourage you to join us for a free online class and learn how to get your kids to listen without nagging, reminding, or yelling! We are always here to help you on your parenting journey!

What You Should Do Next:

1. Subscribe to my Newsletter:

Sign up for my newsletter for parenting tips to help you create a happier home and become the parent you always wanted to be. Plus, when you subscribe, I'll also send you a copy of our strategy-packed guide 10 Tips for Better Behavior - Starting NOW!

2. Register for my FREE 60-Minute Class:

Register for my free class called How to Get Kids to Listen, Without Nagging, Yelling or Losing Control. Classes run several times per week but I recommend you register early, as spaces are limited.

3. Enroll in my 7-Step Parenting Success System

Enroll now in my proven 7-step system for busy parents ready for change (it's rated 5 stars on Google). Plus, for a limited time, save 10% plus get a FREE upgrade on all plans-completely risk-free and with lifetime access.

About the Author

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Best Parenting Books: Top Picks for 2021

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Whether you are in the trenches of potty training, are trying to teach your kids empathy, or need the magic formula to coparent with your ex, one thing is certain: You. Want. Answers.

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https://www.brighthorizons.com/family-resources/parenting-style-four-types-of-parenting

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The difference between Authoritative & Authoritarian 

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The difference between Authoritative & Authoritarian 

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Parenting Styles and Their Effects on Children

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The authoritative parenting style is the very best parenting style out there. Find out why and how to be an authoritative parent.

Did you know that among the four different parenting styles, research has shown one is superior over the other three?

The ideal parenting style to be is an authoritative parent. This style consistently raises children who are happy, well-adjusted, kind, and successful and this continues on into adulthood.

What Are the Characteristics of an Authoritative Parent

An authoritative parent is someone who has high expectations for her children but is also very warm and involved in her kids' lives. Authoritative parents set limits with clear expectations. They outline consequences, enforce boundaries and rules, and are consistent.

Authoritative parents are a "moderate" parenting style. They are not the strict "do as I say or else" type that the authoritarian is and they are not the "you decide and I will follow" type that is the permissive parent.

Read: Understanding the 4 Types of Parenting Styles

What Are the Effects of Authoritative Parenting

What makes authoritative parenting so good?

Studies have shown measurable differences in children with the various parenting styles as young as preschool. Children raised with authoritative parents are typically happy, content, independent and self-reliant. They tend to have good social skills and are good at controlling themselves and their emotions. They are kind and cooperative with their peers. They are competent and assertive and can face new situations without fear.

As the children get older, they have great academic success and are involved in school. They feel good about themselves and tend to have lower rates of depression and anxiety. There is less drug and alcohol use among these children.

How to Be an Authoritative Parent

These effects all sound pretty amazing, right? These are the skills we all hope our children can develop as they grow and mature. A great thing about this parenting style is that you can change a lot of things to address the individual needs of each of your children. Authoritative is a parenting style. Your exact practices or methods can vary greatly and still be within this style.

Here are the areas to focus on to be an authoritative parent yourself.

Have Clear Rules

Set clear rules and boundaries for your children. Children feel secure when they know what is expected, what they can expect, and what their boundaries are.

Sit down and think through what is okay and what isn't okay. Explain the rules you have set. Use if/then statements when explaining rules.

Do not repeat yourself over and over again. Make your consequences immediate.

One note, it is okay for a "consequence" you have at minor infractions be a warning. This is where some balance and moderation come in. Authoritarian parenting is very black and white. You make a mistake, you get punished.

Authoritative, on the other hand, can apply some grace and mercy to situations. Be sure you are consistent with this grace and mercy. You can even set some clear expectations for when grace and mercy will be applied and when it will not.

One great measuring stick is childishness vs. foolishness. A child is childish when he does something he shouldn't but he doesn't know better. Foolishness is doing something he shouldn't but he does know better. Read more about childishness vs. foolishness and how to respond to each situation here.

Another example is when your child forgets something at home that she needs for school. Authoritarian would never bring the forgotten item. Permissive would bring it every time.

Authoritative finds a middle ground. My rule is I will bring it if the child rarely forgets something and if I am able to bring it. If I have a meeting or something else planned, I just can't get it there and that is a natural consequence (read more on that below).

If it becomes a pattern and the child often forgets things at home, I let the child know it will be the last time I bring something. Read more about this in my post Should Your Bail Your Child Out?

Be Consistent

One of the most important elements to being an authoritative parent is being consistent. Be consistent in enforcing limits and discipline. Do not be authoritarian (letter of the law) one day and permissive the next. Be consistent in what you expect and how you expect it. Be consistent in how you respond when expectations and rules are not met.

Follow through on your rules. This is important in being consistent. There is no point in having a rule if you do not enforce the rule.

Use Logical Consequences

Logical consequences are a super effective form of correction. Real life has real consequences, and allowing these consequences to take their natural course can be very motivating for kids to learn to be responsible and respect rules.

Read: Benefits of Teaching Consequences

One of my favorite resources for understanding logical consequences is Parenting with Love and Logic. Read all about that here.

Some parents really struggle with allowing consequences to happen to their children. They hate to see their child suffer and want to save them. They feel like big jerks for allowing their child to feel sad or disappointed if they could have stopped it. They worry their child will never learn compassion.

Read up on Natural Consequences vs. Grace in this post.

When you enforce consequences, give a clear timeline with your consequence. Do not take something away indefinitely or until your child has reached some arbitrary state. Does this sound familiar? "You can have the keys back when I can trust you." When exactly is that trust? Again, set clear rules and expectations. Give your child clear steps and expectations that need to be met.

Read: 10 Guidelines for Using Logical Consequences

Understand Discipline Goals

When you discipline your child, the point is to help your child change. You want to use discipline to help your child change behavior and grow to be a better person. The point is not punishment.

Do not shame your child when you correct him. Do not guilt your child when you correct him. You want your child to learn from his mistakes so he can intrinsically change and grow. You do not want him avoiding actions simply to avoid punishment.

Children have emotions. Humans have emotions and children are young humans.

Allow your children to have emotion. That doesn't mean you have to allow your child to do whatever he wants because he is feeling emotional (that would be permissive parenting style).

But you do not tell your child not to cry or not to feel upset. That is the authoritarian parenting style.

It is okay that your child feels sad. It isn't okay that he hit someone because of it. It is okay he is disappointed. It isn't okay to stomp, scream, and yell because of it.
You want to correct the behavior, not the emotion.
Acknowledge the emotion you see your child having. So many times, people will calm down if their emotion is validated. "I can see you are feeling really disappointed that you can't watch more television right now."

Help your child learn to identify and label the emotions being felt. Ask about the feelings and talk about them. Teach your child to recognize emotions-this is better done in times of non-conflict.

Read: How To Help Your Child Work Through Emotions

Listen to Your Child

To be a warm parent who has a good relationship with your child, you need to be willing to listen to your child.

You need to start in the young years. If you are past the young years, start where you are, but if you are in the young years, listen now! Listen to every detail about that My Little Pony castle she has been wanting or all about his weird dream last night.

You are teaching your child that you will listen when they want to talk.

Another facet of listening is to be open minded. If your child comes to you with a concern about a rule or consequence in your home, listen to what your child has to say. This doesn't mean you have to change because your child isn't happy. That would be permissive parenting.

But you also shouldn't just bark "Well this is my house so you will do what I say!" that is authoritarian parenting.

You listen. You consider. You are still the parent, so you still decide. But you show respect and consideration for your child's thoughts.

Explain the "Why"

Along those same lines, you want to explain "why" to your child. Why do you have the rules and expectations you do?

We often tell our kids that our job is to raise them to be responsible adults who are kind and good, functioning citizens. We sometimes need to enforce consequences to help them learn to become the best version of themselves they can be. They need to learn, and our job is to teach them.

I have explained to my children that they only have one mom and one dad. We have to be that for them.

They get it.

If you have a child who is logical, explaining the why will be well-received and "because I said so" will be very frustrating.

Read: Teach "Why"

Use Rewards to Establish Habits

Be patient with your child as she learns to do new things. You can't expect her to perform perfectly just because you told her how once.

Rewards can be a very effective way to change behavior.

You might do a sticker chart when you are helping your child form a new habit or master a new skill. Sticker charts are popular for potty training and for doing chores.

You might set up a system to help your child earn a privilege. This can be helpful if your child often shirks duties to go for doing something fun or if your child needs help learning to be responsible.

Try to focus on positive instead of negative. If your child has a hard time taking a shower faster than 30 minutes, you can set a timer and say "If you make it out by the time the timer goes off, you will be able to earn television time today." The negative side of that would be, "If you can't get out of the shower before this goes off, you lose television time today."

Same action and same result. Different delivery.

Allow Freedoms and Choices as Appropriate

Your child is growing toward becoming an adult. She must learn how to make choices and how to accept the consequences for those choices.

Give your child freedoms as age-appropriate. This can be hard to know for sure and may need some trial and error. This type of parenting is often described as parenting in the funnel. You keep your child where she can handle it. You do not keep her behind and you do not allow more than she should.

Here are some posts on the topic to help you out:

Expect Responsibility

With those freedoms come responsibilities. To raise children who are successful and responsible as we talked about above, they need to learn to be responsible.

This will take time, learning, and practice. As the parent, you need to teach your child life skills needed to be responsible. If your child can't remember to get things done, help him create a checklist and teach him to go through it to make sure he has everything done.

You could also make a flipchart for your child. I have loved this for my kids with their morning routines when they are young and need help learning to be responsible for getting ready in the morning. You can see my Printable Morning Routine Cards for Kids here.

The authoritative parenting style is one marked by a parent who has high involvement along with the high expectations. High involvement means you are warm and loving. Authoritative parents show love to their children.

An important facet of showing children love is to figure out their love language and appeal to that. Read up on How and Why of Knowing Our Children's Love Languages and Identifying Your Child's Primary Love Language for help on this.

Conclusion

Diana Baumrind, a clinical developmental psychologist known for her research on parenting styles, labeled the authoritative parenting style as "just right." The parent is firm but not rigid. The parent will make exceptions when the situation warrants it.

The authoritative parenting style allows you to make adjustments for your individual child as needed. Find that middle ground to help you have a peaceful family life at home. You can easily see why this parenting style is so successful when you read through the "how"

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