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i hurt my legs lol (i mean i can still walk but I CAN'T RUN)

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so i've done some stuff in the time i was gone. i started running, which honestly is one of the most fulfilling things i've done in a long while. like dude i bonded with several dads at an event in my school cuz of running. BUT I CAN'T RUN BECAUSE I HURT MY LEGS THAT DAY. oh and also i did a split at a party the next day but let's not talk about that. oh ig i'm gonna talk about running now. i normally like to run around my complex for an hour-ish and then go home take a shower yada yada. I like running because i can do it whenever, and i can feel my progression. i am not the same person i was before i started running. maybe i should hit the gym while i'm at it.

still not really disciplined about studying, i'm not one of those crazy crazies that study day and night. i mean i'm writing this instead of studying bio and chem for me quizzes tomorrow. eh whatever i'll be fine.

family is cool like, we cool. i mean we was always cool, but ig we cooler now. i think i appreciate family more now. pretty cool 👍. i still get irritated by them sometimes though. i think i might go to bed soon.

i still get like down like a debby downer pretty often, not like i don't have fun, just i'm not a 24/7 poppy anymore. luckily i'm p sure i'm over that one speicifc person horhor. still tryna love myself tho. love life does not exist lawlll. i can't be bothered to put in the energy for a relatoinship hahaha.

yk when someone's talking to you and you just don't care, but you just pretend liek you do? i do that pretty often, not to say i'm annoyed, it's more like i'm not focused and i zone out. like everyone who's known me since last year tells me i'm different now. tbh not much has changed since the last post i made.

i still feel like i should do more. i know i'm gonna look back at my school life and regret that i didn't do much with it. i know i'll regret it once it's gone, but i don't realize that fact yet. it's not real to me yk. the future still isn't real to me. i live in stasis, immune to the past and future, stuck in a slice of now. man i don't even feel like i'm pouring my heart out with this. i still don't vent to my friends. i think i wanna meet new people, or perhaps i should rediscover the people i think i alr know. FONK I don't have the enrgy to carke about other people enough to do that.

yk most people don't genuinely care unless you're on your deathbed, that's why i like stories with that sort of a premise. the kind where a character is about to die soon, because that urgency pushes the character to do what they want. i feel like if i was in that situation, told i'd only have a few months left to live, i would probably still procrastinate on what i want till the very end. it's a comfortable discomfort, the refusal to act and the acceptance of the boiling pot of stress over stuff i should've done a long time ago.

forgive this brain fart of a message. TL;dr is that i did a thing which made me feel better but i can't do it for now. i can't be bothered to write as much thiss time mannnn.

i'm gonna stop writing and go to bed. i'm not in the mood to use my brain. i wish i could just slseep forever. maybe i'll write again soon. see you.

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ONCE I DIE I WILL HUNT DOWN WHOEVER CREATED MATH, MAY THE LORD HAVE PEACE UPON THAT PERSONS SOUL CAUSE I SURE AS HELL WONT

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To whoever made the Earth day debate event, I shall drag you down to hell with me. How dare you give us more work 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

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Death must be so beautiful…. To lie on the soft brown earth with the grasses waving over one’s head and listen to silence, to have no yesterday and no tomorrow. To forget time, to forget life, to be at peace…

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Tuesday, 16 April 2024

It was just a few days after I started reading the journals of Saint Bernadette. Love is joy, as much as it is inseparable from suffering. One would only imagine heaven full of love, joy, as well as suffering. My friends in misery, there is a thin string dividing paradise and gehenna, because meaningful suffering is paradise, and empty pleasure… is hell. Hence it is always good to remember that your choices are what eventually led you to where you are now, although they may not be entirely your fault.

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"Sorry, for I fear the world more than the unknown." And she lost her footing...

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Sorry i haven't post anything before but it's better late than never i guess. So i just wanna pour my heart a bit in here, hope u guys don't mind :) I'm kind of stressing and feeling overwhelmed lately. the culprit is something that's not assured and not fixed. I'm more scared of the future possibility more than how much task i have right now... And i also feel quite pressured with my own standard. I think the problem is I'm not confident enough with my own strength and capability. But let me know if you guys know what other possibility that makes me overthink like this. It would be much appreciated (My parents have nothing to do with it, it's more like my problem.) Thanks

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So, I've been having an identity crisis for a while now. I have been able to somewhat delay it, but I never actually solved it. If you think it's about my future, like college, the major I want, and etc., you would be right. I already chose a major, and I'm not exactly struggling academically, but I can't see myself in that major, or that profession. I wasn't forced into this choice, but I didn't exactly choose it either. Simply put, I have no will. I just went into whichever my parents suggested. I never really thought of what I want, because all I want is for my parents to not be disappointed in me. And I'm pretty sure they are anyways. So. Yeah...

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Im scared of school i dont want to see that monkey

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So I have a childhood friend who I had just started dating these past few days. He claimed that he had liked me for years. And it was just recently I found out how much he went through for me, how he bore all the consequences for the mistakes I consciously (not accidentally) made, how all his friends left him, how he was bullied at his school, bearing numerous injuries, and yet never told me anything, nor force me to like him back. In the contrary, I was angry and blamed him for letting some other incident happen that wasn't even his fault and left him alone. To add to that, knowing that he liked me, I dated his friend who like me but who I don't like just to break his heart. But he was never mad at me or to his friend. As soon as I found out about all this, I cried for three days straight and decided to make myself belong to him. Yet I never knew if I really loved him back, or if it is just pity, or regret. Now I am even thinking of a future with him.

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I wanna die, f=c# physics this mother flippin monkey of a teacher gives us two homework in the holiday like give us a break you monkey .

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Sleeping at night without my significant other is really tough, cause i feel so lonely and i get nightmares sometimes. When i do a sleep call with her, i find it wayyy easier to sleep and the nightmares are less frequent. Its hard to exchange affection sometimes, since she finds it somewhat discomforting at certain times to reciprocate, probably because she isn't used to it. But i guess its fine, i can find a way to make it work.

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i just hate my dad so much but maybe in other ppl's eyes he's a good parent and im the terrible child. Or maybe we're both just incompatible with each other. I also think my mom and dad aren't rlly meant to be together. My mom would cry and would be so stressed bcz of my dad. And my dad had always placed her below his priorities, he would prioritize his friends and other ppl above us. I just hate him so much. If we were to have an argument he would just shut me off and blame everything onto me. If he could, i think he could just disown me and throw me away if i were already an adult. He would often not listen to what i have to say abt smth (he thinks im just complaining and is nagging at him) and would be angry if i didnt do what he wanted me to do. And u know what, he thinks im a very selfish kid. I once asked my mom what was that big black mark on the bed that i was sleeping on as a kid, my mom told me my dad burned the bed bcz he was pissed at her and fyi i was sleeping on that side and was still a baby that didnt know how to walk, my mom was panicking at that time, well obviously. Whenever he was angry, all of his common sense and reason just dissapears, but its not like he had any to begin with :/ there were countless of times where he just acted all stupid and was angry like a kid. i just want my dad to dissapear for a short while. My mom would always tell me to shut my mouth to not anger him and just follow along (even if he was in the wrong). ofnwkfjebkfjwifhrjfi That shitty piece of shit. I just want to smack some sense into his head. Why on earth did my mom choose him anyway???????? Ughh whatever. I just need to wait for 1 or 2 mote years then ill go study abroad and not see him for a few years.

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jujur minggu ini better sih, tapi tetap. Kok padahal udh tau gw tuh perlu belajar dari minggu lalu, yes sih gw belajar dari minggu lalu tp tetap aja ga ada banyak progress belajarnya karena ga fokus lah distraction lah. terus dari kemarin gw masalah sama tidur. tidur siang 3 jam akhirnya tidur malam jam 3 subuh, udh ga bener banget tubuh gw. Lama2 gw meninggal karena sakit, padahal msh muda. Terus ulangan besar gw udh tinggal bulan depan. This will be for my future. terus skrng gw msh nonton santai2, dan males2an. ga tau banget kenapa gw tuh nyiksa diri sendiri. tapi ya gitulah ya.

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Kenapa sih aku ga kaya, jadinya ga bisa beli album txt bro. Voucher shopee isn't enough to cover my brokeness please help donate to my paypal, thanks in advance bb

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I was just sick for a decently long period of time and it made me feel like I was wasting alot of time, especially during the holidays... I want to pick up some hobbies that will also be able to benefit me in the long run, maybe things like coding or 3d art. If anyone has experience with learning these things please share tips and how you got started learning them, tanku <3

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Kadang suka mikirin kuliah gt karena it’s a whole new “world” trus kea i heard a lot of bad things about it. I think my biggest worry right now tuh college applications cause takut gamasuk ke uni pilihan. A lot of people blg jalanin aja apa pun hasilnya, and ya bener juga, tapi greget aja gitu gasih?

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OKAYY OKAYY WHERE DO WE STARTT 😭💃🏻

(I will be switching from english to Bahasa Indonesia frequently btw)

soooooo I'm a part of drama for LiVi and it has been a stressful view weeks. Jadi kyk yg perform bagian drama tapi yg kyk ikut campur banyak banget bjir (bole curse ga si disini, if not I'm so sorry) like wth 😭😭😭 anyways pokoknya susah dah trus BANYAK YANG GA AKTIF 😀👋 BYE- IM SO DONE YALL, jadi please kalo kalian ikut kyk cca or organisasi gtu2 PLEASE BANGET AKTIF DAN JANGAN JDI BEBAN KARENA NYUSAHIN BANGET HUHUHUUHUUHU

oke next, liburan panjang bener hahahahaaha 😃😄 Do you guys have any ideas on what I should do? Ada PR math sihhhhh tapi males :( Like who does math hw on holidays? (well tbh i will kalo bener2 gatau mau ngapain hahahaha)

itu doang sih for now, sektor2 dan bagian2 kehidupan gw yg lainnya so far masi aman cuma itu dua aja, drama & idk what to do for the rest of the week :D

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Just like most students, I suffer from stress in school. I like to think I'm a hard worker and have a lot of ambition, but I failed a lot, and it feels like my hard work is pretty much useless, and it is quite demotivating.

To motivate myself, I remind myself what I want and why I'm doing all of this. But it's not exactly working and honestly at this point giving up and dropping out seems like the most likely outcome.

(BTW I would like to apologize to the creators of this forum, I genuinely forgot to post this week, I am so sorry 🙏)

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this holiday damn boring, makes me feel like i have no life other than school…

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My sister sent me a class picture of my fifth grader self. There I was kneeling on the right side of the picture, smiling as best as I could. My skin is yellow, and my arms were the equivalent to Tim Burton’s stick-clay figures. Behind me stood Samael, round and stout-faced, as thick as his wretched soul. After two other boys to his left, stood my departed homeroom teacher, who in his time, was too kind and blind to deliver me from evil.

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I have a "interesting" relationship with my mom. Idk why but whenever I cry she'd hit and scream at me saying things like "MAU DIEM GA??" "ANAK MAMI GA ADA YANG NANGIS" "KLO KM MASIH MAU NANGIS GA USAH JADI ANAK MAMI" and obviously it hurts so I cry even more, and she'd hit me and I would say "ya kan mami pukul gmn ga nangis sakit tw ga..." and then she'd yell at me again telling me to shut up. And in MY opinion I don't even make a sound when I cry, I just sit there and tears would be streaming down my face but I guess thts still not subtle enough for her. From tht description U'd prob think tht I'm a boy, but im not lol. I guess she just gets an ick when she sees someone cry? Which is kinda ironic honestly since she would cry to K-drama. But oh well it is wht it is, U can't change ur parents anw :)

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"Why are you still, holding back....Have you forgotten what they said to us, what they did!? They think you're a monster....Prove them right. FIGHT, OR BE FORGOTTEN!!!"

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I'm dealing with stress from school but I'm still trying to help others with their own work and its honestly tiring but its okay because it makes me happy to see the other person happy

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Friday, 29 March 2024

I wonder how will it be if I yielded myself to depravity. It felt like being impaled in the heart with a dagger you cannot touch or see. My body, upon my shoulders, felt weighed with insurmountable flaws. It felt like sinking in the ocean with your limbs tied, facing upwards to the light that went more and more distant, more and forevermore cold. The question isn’t even ‘why does this happen to me?’, but ‘what is this?’. No matter how many times it caught me, it always felt foreign. And the manner it caught me, there are no question, even in the beginning of the day when I opened my eyes, even with a cheerful mind, even with no memories of tragedy,  it caught me and plunge me back into the ocean. How would anyone understand me when I myself can’t understand what is happening? I know sleeping won’t end this feeling, but I can run away to the land of dreams even if it’s just for a while. One thing I know about this is that this is painful. Or am I just weak?

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Whewww, school. Can't live with it, can't live without it. Yeah I think currently I can be defined as burnt out. For the past two weeks I think? I've been forced to sleeping at 1-2am daily. It's to the point that my body got used to it-- I get sleepy or tired if I sleep earlier. But then again I was super sick and then still kind of sick. My sickness also relates with food and that it hurts when I eat, so sleep deprivation and starvation is both gnawing at my vitality. I'm also taking in a lot of activities, school tests and projects, production, club, lessons, etc, thus furthering my mental and physical stress. I fear for my health, long term and short as I'm travelling to a whole other country for this break. But I should be getting a little more rest in this holiday, right? Right?

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I've been experiencing burnout from school and I do find myself overthinking a lot for the past few weeks, mostly about my skills and my relationships with other people. Besides that, I have been getting existential, though I wouldn't interpret this as something negative.

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Thursday, 28 March 2023

It was just yesterday that I thought I was ready to say ‘I want to live’. Frankly,as soon as I ran to the other side, I was faced with the question of ‘what will I live for?’ And right after that moment, I sought desperately, I sought for him, I sought for Economics to dedicate myself, to a nostalgic yet intense high school life, or the passion of writing, yet none of them will accept me for who I am now. Nobody gives before taking. And here I am faced with my responsibilities, these are contracts I made with those above that I sought for, contracts I made with the devil. I know that eventually the real answer is self love, something so vague that I came clueless about it, yet I still made those contracts. There is even one contract I had before birth. ‘Whatever happens to you is not your fault, but it is your responsibility.’ Why? It would have been better if it was my fault, wouldn’t it? But it isn’t. I just happen to be born in this unjust world.

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Stress ulangan RAAAAAHHHH

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I have a "friend" that i love, but this person and i have complications in terms of relationship stuff. This person's parents dont really seem to favor my existence, and it also seems so for an extent of people. I find myself often tired and depressed but i just try to hide it with a smile since no one really cares that much. This person i know does care, but sometimes my problems cant be helped since this person lives a good distance away. Call it LDR, if you will. And they help, thats for sure, but its only temporary relief when coupled with my overthinking and constant rage of anxiety. I cant help but thinking that the people that care about me are just doing so out of pity, not genuinely. Do i get suicidal? sometimes, and there isnt really much i can do about it. I put on a mask for years trying to trick my brain into thinking everything is fine, but as per usual, its temporary relief.

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no i don't actually want to commit suicide

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So haha I'm having like a whole existential crisis lol. The funny thing is I know how to solve most of my problems, I just don't do anything about it cuz :p.

For example I've always been that kid who can get through school alright without putting much effort into studying. That's great and all, but I've never been forced to work hard, since everything has been on a silver platter my whole life. Great body, great intelligence, great family. Like do I even belong here in this group?? I know the solution is to just do it, I know there's no workaround, but it's a lot easier to know it than to actually do it.

Let's get to the existential crisis. As you may have surmised, I'm lazy af. It's practically been drilled into my identity by now. So since I'm lazy, I don't do shit at home. I have tried a few things during the pandemic to pass my time, rubik's cubes, coding, and those were actually pretty fun, but the guilt of not having done my work (i do this a lot, and it's a recurring problem) prevents me from doing any of that. most of my routine back then was just listen to music in my room while i pace around for hours on end, talking to myself (lowkey schizo behaviour).

So when it comes to intelligence, I'm not the top dog in my school, and my ego would not like that, if not for the argument that, "Oh, I barely study, so it's not fair to compare myself to them." Like okay?? Good for me ig, but I know I can be better. Like, I wanna go abroad with a full scholarship right, but my current scores don't cut it. BRO I KNOW I CAN DO IT BUT I JUST DON'T CUZ I DON'T WANNA. I'm a goddamn manchild. It's not even like I don't like my studies, I actually think they're pretty cool, but still I DON'T DO ANYTHING.

Ok let's get to social life hahahahahaha. I'm not some isolated introvert or anything, it's just that I haven't found those fellas for life. I mean maybe I have and just haven't gotten close to them yet, but either way I got none rn. I don't talk about my worries to anyone soooo yeah I end up venting like this a lot anonymously (like in those discord vent channels 💀)

Oh and there's also romantic relationships. I think my current view of them, whether I wanna admit it or not, is as a crux for my loneliness. I've met 2 amazing people who I still talk to to this day. But it stings lowkey, knowing the romance could never flourish with either of them. I think I gotta learn to love myself a little more before I try love other people.

Like I could fix this if I just hit the gym, started investing more time into my hobbies (potentially blooming one of them into a passion), spent more time with family, be more selective with my friends (cuz lowkey some of the people around me be problematic bruh).

AH I'M LAZY I'M GONNA STOP WRITING HAHAHA just know that this isn't even the half of it

this stuff isn't part of the rant, I just lost focus sometimes while writing this

i wish i was caked up

😢🚫🍑

I AM DENIED MY BIRTHRIGHT

oh hey i actually do feel better when i vent it out like this 😳

have fun writing a comment for this one random anonymous person 😈😈

also it's so weird how i'm venting on a platform that i used in school during the pandemic...

oh also here's a random sosng it's pretty chill ngl

https://open.spotify.com/track/6qzTbAFDX82BxJIBbdKPH8?si=UxzwSlxhQe6qHLfiKVbBeQ&utm_source=copy-link

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I have a freind tht gets suicidal thoughts rlly frequently, and idk why but i myself dont have any "serious" problems but for some bloody reason i attract ppl with problems :') so I've basically bevome the "therapist" freind. In all honesty im glad tht I can help ppl out by listening to their problems but yknow it would be nice to have someone do the same for me. It's getting to the point where it affects my sleep schedule and my performance at school bcs of how often i stay up in call with my freind (sometimes until 2am)

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I often find myself overthinking a lot. Although I can't do anything to undo my past actions or have tried my best, I'm often stricken with regret and anxiety over the simplest things. This result in me stressing over things people normally wouldn't. My friends and the people around me would often told me it's nothing to be worried about, but their encouraging words only has a short lasting affect on my mind 😞 I feel like I always mess things up which is either caused by my overthinking or is a result of me overthinking things.

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Aku biasanya tanggung jawab mading, tadi gak ada yang bantuin walau udah dikasih tau wali kelas, teman-teman sekelas ku langsung pulang, mereka bahkan gak kasih ide buat hiasan madingnya, mana deadlinenya juga kelewatan, "hari ini dikasih tau, hari ini juga harus selesai" pesan wali kelasku, katanya dari kepala sekolah, ya walau masih belum selesai sih, makin nambah beban stressku hiks-

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Padahal udh tau udh mau ylangan, padahal udh tau waku makin lama semakin dikit. Tetapi ga tua kenapa pasti selalu ga belajar hingga menit-menit terakhir. Yabg kemudian selalu aku regret, nyesal bngt jujur. Tapi setelah selesai ulangan rasanya lega juga. Terus legaaa bnget jd males belajar. Sampai ulangan udh mau datang lagi.

Ini itu cycle aku ga tau bisa pecahin dimana harusnya waktu yang ada sekarang di pake untuk nyicil pelajaran tetapi ga aku pake. Seperti minggu ini padahal mingdep ulangan. Ntar regret trs makin guilty sama diri sendiri makin lama give anxiety and depression. Unable to reach my own expectations padahal yanf set standarnya diri sendiri, diri sendiri saja ga usaha. Makin lama jujur makin berat dan makin capek. Ga ada inprovement jg sedih 😔

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waktu i wish di genshin aku merasa stress karena aku bisa dpt char bgs atau char yg jelek jd itu bikin aku stress