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Chapter Ten - I wish I could see agian...

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Chapter Ten - I wish I could see agian...

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I had a friend named Eric in elementary school. He was my first love and when I finally had enough courage to say how I truly felt it was too late because he had decided to date a girl in Nixa because he was moving. The last thing he said to me was ¨Im sorry¨. I would want to see him again and tell him that there is no need for him to be sorry. I would spend the day with him and catch up. I want him to know that I still hold on to the love I had for him even if Im not in love with him now. At least I would get that off my shoulders. And I would want to be his friend again.

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I never really stayed in a place for over a year and ended up with a bunch of different people. I mostly had my own room. I was taken care of mostly and I survived. Although it was me who took care of myself. I never got along with a lot of people in my life but found out what people really though of me. As I grew up nobody treated me the same and didn't hold back their words. They would spit them out in front of me and expect my to do nothing. I have tried to kill myself several times but was stopped or failed at it. Everyone planted hatred in me and soon that's all they showed. Up until the point they needed me for something and I would rarely refuse. I thought I could change people and there hearts but I realized reality sooner than most. I grew up at four years old basically fighting to trust even myself. Each year on the day I was born on I consider it one more year that I survived my own personal hell. I see pain in the world and yet I still hold on to hope no matter how small. It takes one person at a time to help make the world a better place. So that's where I start.

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I have five hobbies.
One is drawing. I love to sketch anything I see or feel. Sketching has helped me cope when I self harmed. Eventually I stopped hurting my body and drew all day everyday.
Two is swimming. This helped me after I almost drowned. I was pushed in the water by the other foster kids when I was five. I was scared for my life. I never was learned it from others but instead learned by myself. I accomplished this by jumping in over and over again and was able to make it back to the edge of the pool or back to shore. This is the reason I swim underwater because that is how I was able to learn. So if I swim above water its because Im still teaching myself.
Three is dancing. I dont do the crazy moves of the 2000´s but I dance formally. I had six dance partners and refuse to dance with anyone else. Dancing helped me survive residential. I was able to relieve stress and anger through dance. My favorite dance I do is line dancing and the waltz.
Four is listening to music. This helps with moods. If I get mad being bullied for example I was seven years old and would put Taylor Swift on when upset. Then I would laugh it off.
Last but not least five is photography. This is something I enjoy a lot because my mom loved it. I wanted to know how if felt so when I tried it I loved it and thought of it as my own personal hobby. It helps me knowing Im able to do what my mom once did when she still walked the earth. It feels good knowing I share this with her.
I do more but these are my main hobbies.

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Chapter Seven - Hobbies and Activities. 

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Chapter Seven - Hobbies and Activities. 

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I love volleyball and I played for a little bit. I received two first place metals for it to. I would love to continue but I cant. I still practice with myself most of the time. I tell everyone about it not to brag but to share the love I have for it. i still toss it around because it was important to me at a point in time. I love it soo much and hope to see others who love it just as much as me.

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Ten years from now I see myself starting my career as a kindergarten teacher. Hopefully I will be in Missouri still. If not I will most likely be in South Carolina. If my career changes I would be working with animals. I would maybe be out there finding a nice man worthy of becoming apart of my family. I would have a car and looking at houses to rent. I would even have a cat with me. In ten years I will be starting my life as a twenty eight year old adult.

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Chapter Five - If I could live my life all over again I would...

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Chapter Five - If I could live my life all over again I would...

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I would leave everything as is. I wouldnt change anything in my past no matter how small because I love the person I am today. And its because of what I went through. Yes I have wondered before weather my life would be different but still refuse to change the past. My past is hard but Im willing to relive it the same exact way to get to the person I have become today. Im glad that I made the choices I made in the past because every little one matters and had a huge affect on who I am.
If I never tried to kill myself I wouldnt have the knowlege I have now. Or if I were to tell the truth and expose my family I wouldnt be who I am today.

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My senoir year has been hard. I had no one to hangout with during lunch or after school. This is my first year at Ozark High and Im a senoir and everyone already have groups they belong to. I became a lone sheep once I entered the front doors.
Grades have been hard to keep up. The only thing I have here is my self esteem and motivation. Year after year of growing up I started to hate myself more than I hated the world. Because of that I gave up on school and skipped every chance I got. I would get suspended from school and even expelled. I didnt care for my education until my freshman year. I was forced to go to school so I had to go. I would get easy A's from freshman to softmore year. I didnt care for school still but I tried for the person I loved. Jr year I started to like school and had hope for myself. I loved school so much I had to get good grades or I would stress over it. I still stress over it now that Im a senoir. I missed so much school and never paid attention until highschool year and now I suffer because of it. I dont know the basics that people learn before  highschool. Even though its hard I still try.
My mom ordered my cap and gown so I didnt have to do anything.

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I was born in springfield at Mercy hospital April 9th 2001. After birth we moved back to my moms home in South Carolina. My mom wrote a poem for me before birth.
Reading:

My full name is Ashlynn Paige Starr but if I were to be born a boy my name would have been David Joseph Starr Jr. My dad had been on the run for a while and my mom only found out after she gave birth to me. He soon got caught and my mom left him.
2004 my little sister was born. She was my moms kid not with my dad though. In 2006 our mom was ashes in a jar.
My sister was givin the name Kaylee and she was born with an illness that causes her to not walk or talk. when our mom was no longer in this world Kaylee and I went to a foster home for the fisrt time in our lifes. A few months later my dad came to take me back and was not allowed to have my moms kid. So we left just the two of us back to missouri. Later on my dad went back to jail and I ended up in my aunts home.
It was only the begining of my life.

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Story:
1. When I was four I would go around chasing flyer-flies catching them. I was so drawn to the glow they put off I would run around putting them in jars. I continued to do so and eventually thought that I want to glow like them. So I would take their light (butt) and rip it off and rub them on me and found it impossible. So I ate them instead and I was so devastated when I had to give up the hope to glow.

2. When I was seven years old I would run around in my bathing suit. Even on the chilly days. I would play in the water hose and the puddles after or during the rain. I even when so far as to fill buckets full of water so I could swim in them. I had so much fun running around I seemed to always be doing the same thing all summer long.
3. When I was eight years old I would ride my bike everywhere I went. To the store school and even the park. Sometimes my brakes would give out and I would crash but I got up and kept going. I guess it was because the wind made me feel as if I was flying. My favorite part was going up the hill only to ride back down. It would take forever to go up but mere seconds to get to the bottom again.

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I have the biggest family ever!!!!
What makes me who I am today is what most want to forget. The past... I grew up in a home that was not stable and never stayed for long. My mom died when I was four and it wasnt a normal death nor was it purposeful. That led me to my first foster home. My sister and I were put there together but only I left. she was my moms kid and my dad is who came to take me back. My dad has been in and out of prison/jail my entire life and is curently in trouble for god knows why. We never stayed in a place for long and didnt live a truthful life. In and out of hotels walking for hours down the street. When my dad was low on cash for living he would find a family member and stay there for a while. Then he would be gone the next morning. In the end I was the only one who stayed. His sibblings cousins and even his own mother gave up on him and so he got worse. He kept promising me he will come back to get me when the time comes. And when I felt the need to give up on him he shows up and I push the thought out of my head. He would take me with him and drop me off at another family members house then disapear again. I continued to have hope for him even as I got older because even though he left empty promises he still came back. That was the only promise I ever focused on. One point in my life I decided to self harm because I had no reason to live. My cousin were allowed to bully and beat me. Blame everything they did on me and even though My aunt knew the truth she would turn away saying that its a waste of time. She started to work later and later into the night and that left an opening for my uncle to find every reason to harm me. Sometimes I stood in the corner for hours. I now can fall asleep standing up. We moved again and my aunt got rid of my uncle but she started to blame us kids for everything that went wrong never accepting reality. Every time I tried to end my life she would stop me because the state pays for me and she uses that to her advantage. Early in my teens I started to smoke nicotine. At first it was one or two everyu other day but then with me one of my cousins my aunt uncle and grandma smoked so fights accured often. I started to smoke weed instead and when drinking with my cousin a lot. That turnedd into a hot mess. My cousin she was raped and wouldnt admit it because only god knows why. But I was also raped but she got me beliving that I wanted it. After that night I hated my life and everything about me. Then they nooticed the cuts and went back into care after I was hospitalized on holloween night. I ended up standing up for myself for once to my cousins and fought back and was sent to residential home. I stayed for a couple months left then came back. I stayed for another two and a half years. Then I found A home. I became a Lopez but thats another story so you have to wait.