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GHHG Essay Draft Workshop (Fall 2020)

Author’s name______________________________

Your name (responder)____________________________

** Please remember, your goal is not to grade or revise the draft. Instead, think of yourself as an engaged reader in conversation with another writer. You want to give feedback to support this writer in specific and helpful ways.

1.     (a) What do you think the author is trying to argue in this essay? (b) In one sentence, summarize the author’s thesis or central claim.

2.     What in particular do you like about this draft?

3.     From here, write 2 further observations and/or questions. You might begin with any of the questions below or go in another direction you think would be useful to the author.  Use “I-statements” (“I notice that...” as opposed to, “the paper is...”), and be cautious about giving direct advice (instead of, “put this paragraph on p. 2,” say “for me, this paragraph might work better on p. 2 because….”) Remember, your job is not to revise the paper as though it were yours, it is to help the author write the best paper he/she can write.

1.     What do you notice about the order of ideas so far?

2.     What do you want to hear more about, to enhance the paper?

3.     What do you think the author is hinting at, but not saying explicitly?

4.     What do you notice about the author’s voice or style?

5.     What does this piece make you think/wonder about?

6.     Do the paragraphs seem unified to you?  If not, explain why.

7.     Are there parts where the writing seems less effective? Why? (For example, does the author repeat the same point?)

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Note: There are three potential body paragraphs without an introduction or conclusion. No thesis statement has been developed.

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GHHG Essay Draft Workshop (Fall 2020)

Author’s name Theresa

Your name (responder) Hattie

** Please remember, your goal is not to grade or revise the draft. Instead, think of yourself as an engaged reader in conversation with another writer. You want to give feedback to support this writer in specific and helpful ways.

1.     (a) What do you think the author is trying to argue in this essay? (b) In one sentence, summarize the author’s thesis or central claim.

Argue: The image offers only half the view of the opioid epidemic, focusing on its consequences instead of what factors cause it.

Thesis: Aspects of one’s identity can predispose them to addiction, especially when looking through the lens of chronic pain.

2.     What in particular do you like about this draft?

There were lots of interesting statistics and I feel that I got a good understanding of the fact that socioeconomic divide and culture can lead to differing rates of opioid addiction.

3.     From here, write 2 further observations and/or questions. You might begin with any of the questions below or go in another direction you think would be useful to the author.  Use “I-statements” (“I notice that...” as opposed to, “the paper is...”), and be cautious about giving direct advice (instead of, “put this paragraph on p. 2,” say “for me, this paragraph might work better on p. 2 because….”) Remember, your job is not to revise the paper as though it were yours, it is to help the author write the best paper he/she can write.

I think something that could enhance the paper is to explicitly explain how opioid use can kill you → what specifically happens to the body?

I noticed that the sentences in the second paragraph are slightly long/run-on. For me, it might work better to have the sentences reworked in order to improve conciseness.

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Author’s name Hattie

Your name (responder) Pau

1.     (a) What do you think the author is trying to argue in this essay? (b) In one sentence, summarize the author’s thesis or central claim.
Hattie is emphasizing how black women were perceived around the 1900's (ugly, overweight, smelly) and how it wasn't normalized to see a white man with a black woman, therefor highlighting racial injustices.

2.     What in particular do you like about this draft?

I really like Hattie's introduction. It gives the reader an idea of what the main topic is going to be about and it provides the reader with information, which is very helpful and the reader isn't blindly reading the essay.

3.     From here, write 2 further observations and/or questions. You might begin with any of the questions below or go in another direction you think would be useful to the author.  Use “I-statements” (“I notice that...” as opposed to, “the paper is...”), and be cautious about giving direct advice (instead of, “put this paragraph on p. 2,” say “for me, this paragraph might work better on p. 2 because….”) Remember, your job is not to revise the paper as though it were yours, it is to help the author write the best paper he/she can write.

I like your introduction! But if you want to make your essay longer, maybe you could talk more about the effects of Mammy on the Black community which then you could again tie back to how POC view themselves due to the society in which they live in.
Maybe you could also talk about the origins of Mammy

Something else that I took note of is your tone! I like the tone you used for your essay because it's very direct and I can tell you're confident about what you're writing about!

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GHHG Essay Draft Workshop (Fall 2020)

Author’s name Pau

Your name (responder) Hattie

** Please remember, your goal is not to grade or revise the draft. Instead, think of yourself as an engaged reader in conversation with another writer. You want to give feedback to support this writer in specific and helpful ways.

1.     (a) What do you think the author is trying to argue in this essay? (b) In one sentence, summarize the author’s thesis or central claim.

Argue: people shouldn’t be judged based on their skin color

Thesis: there are negative connotations to the word black and positive to the word white

2.     What in particular do you like about this draft?

It is clear that you are really passionate about this topic and that you have a lot to say. There is a strong viewpoint that makes the reader want to listen.

3.     From here, write 2 further observations and/or questions. You might begin with any of the questions below or go in another direction you think would be useful to the author.  Use “I-statements” (“I notice that...” as opposed to, “the paper is...”), and be cautious about giving direct advice (instead of, “put this paragraph on p. 2,” say “for me, this paragraph might work better on p. 2 because….”) Remember, your job is not to revise the paper as though it were yours, it is to help the author write the best paper he/she can write.

I noticed that it was hard for me to understand your thesis upon my first read, so editing that could be helpful for clarity.

The writing style centers around long, complex sentences which can be hard to grasp. I was left a little confused on the point you were trying to get across in some places. The ideas are really good, so with a little reworking of sentences this could be super successful.