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There was a young man from Madras

Who had a magnificent 🤬.

Not rounded and pink,

As you probably think,

Because he was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.

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There was a young lass from Australia

Who painted her ass like a dahlia.

The shape it was fine,

And the color divine,

But the aroma--well, that was a fahlia.

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Add your limericks here!

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There were once two young people of taste
Who were beautiful down to the waist.
So they limited love
To the regions above,
And thus remained perfectly chaste.

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There once was a black cat named Boris,

Who liked chanting with crystals pourous.

He was a witches’ familiar

And liked his adventure.

But Boris he was not for us.

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There once was a lecture on poems
Intent on expanding our domes
With rhyming so slick and metres so quick
From the mouth I have started to foam!

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Climate Change is happening fast.
So I won’t sit around on my ass.
I’m going today,
To strike in Galway,
I hope you’ll excuse me from class!

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There once was a man named Tim Burton,

Who made movies that were dark and uncertain,

Some say his movies are scary,

But I find some quite weird –

At least they’re not hallucinations.

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My dog named Chewy has a scowl

Some assume it must be a growl.

It is just an underbite

That gives stray cats a fright,

When Chewy is out on the prowl.

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There was a young man from Japan
Who said 'I can only do what I can'!
I do what I want,
Life is just a short jaunt
Without ever making a plan.

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There was a bad poet from Iran

Whose verses he couldn’t make scan.

When it came to the rhyme,

The time was all wrong,

And the last lines just kept going on and on and on because he couldn’t figure out how to fit them into a plan.

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There once was a man from peru
Who dreamed he was esting his shoe
He woke with a fright
In the middle of the night
To find that his dream had come true

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Some men think of poems as trite,
That reading them makes one uptight,
That they're rather a bore,
And obtuse at their core.
Well I'm here to say that that's right.

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here lies the boy who fell off the earth.
he prayed, and hoped for a glorious rebirth.
he dropped his class,
now a shell of his past.
spectators watch in uneasy mirth.

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There was once, in Mayo, who lived a man,
That would talk about football any time that he can,
“This is our year,
We’ll win and we’ll cheer.”
How much longer until Mayo for Sam?

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There once was a doting mother Who would never think to smother Her wee lil kin before they begin To grow up and kill one another

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There once was a man from Limerick,
who was overly fond of his Smithwick.
He’d lift up his glass,
then hydrate his A$$.
Until the owner sent for his medic.

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It's time to move,
So get on your groove,
You have no time to wait,
I'll be at the gate,
Ready for us to improve

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I once saw a scrawl in IT,
It begged quite salaciously
Quote: "🤬 in my mouth,"
A writ by a lout
And from body my soul was freed.

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There once was a boy from Brazil
Who swallowed a dynamite pill,
His legs retired
His A$$ backfired
And his head shot over a hill

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There was a young lady named Bright

who traveled much faster than light.

She set out one day

in a relative way,

and came back the previous night

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Pining for her, they say that I’m wrong,

They tell me I must wait far too long

And they say she can’t feel

With a heart made of steel,

But they can’t say that steel isn’t strong.

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When you’re out on a gloomy night,

And the skies are without light,

Looking up for the moon,

You hear the banshee croon,

That’s when you should take your flight!

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The lass I brought home was a prize,
With an alluring set of bright blue eyes,
Her breasts, so well kept,
Were what I'd expect,
But her pr*ck was quite a surprise.

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My sister is bratty and rude,
Her sayings are all rather crude.

With her tuft of blonde hair
And her ferocious stare,

She’ll make sure that you’re in a bad mood.

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A limerick reminds me of primary,
My teacher would write them quite timely.
But a look of disgrace,
Appeared on his face
When he saw that my one wasn’t rhyming.

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I want to eat a biscuit,
however, can I risk it,

I know it's wrong,
but, diet, so long.

I just really missed it.

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There once was a lad who played county,
He represented his parish so proudly.
When they won the cup,
His head so swelled up,
That when he fell to the ground he was bouncy.

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Relentless, insatiable deadlines!
This manuscript's still full of red lines.
First I'll sweat through the edits
and check all the credits
then chill with my favorite red wine

(Monica Sharman)

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There was a young scholar from Trinity
Who, although he could trill like a linnet, he
Could never complete
Any poem with feet,
Saying, "Idiots! Can't you
see that
what I'm writing
happens to
be free
verse?"

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A lass who weighed many an oz
Used language I darenot pronoz
When a fellow unkind
Pulled her chair out behind
Just to see, so he said, if she'd boz.

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The school trip was a special occassion
But we never reached our destination
Instead of the zoo
I was locked in the loo
On an M62 service station

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The white world is closing the gate
While they beat, belittle, berate
Ancestors shipped over
They sing "The Wild Rover"
So since when were immigrants not great?

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Ted lay in his bed,
Unable to rest his head,
He twisted and turned in his bed,
Until his wife rose from the dead,
She shouted at him to get into the bed,
But he thought he was dreaming and opened his eyes to see his new wife with another man in his bed!

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JGH
Not everything lost will be found.

I keep my high hopes on the ground.

Despite what we're taught,

More often than not,

What goes around just goes around.

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Things that go ‘bump’ in the night
Should not really give one a fright
It’s the hole in each ear
That lets in the fear,
That, and the absence of light!

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There was a tutor called Adrian
Who appeared to be an Arcadian
From renaissance mythology
To a Spanish anthology
He finally came out as Shavian

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There once was an English professor,
who was a bit of a messer,
'No' the computer would say,
nearly every friday,

as he had broken its internal processor.

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There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.

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There once was a man named Aido,
Can't remember what he'd say though.
I'd sit in the back,
Eating a snack,
Watching my fave TV show.

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We've conquered the "Moon", says my source!

Young folks, will soon go there, in force!

What I'd like to know,

is when Honeymooners go,

will they call "what they do", Outercourse?

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There once was a man from Peru

Who had a lot of growing up to do,

He’d ring a doorbell,

then run like hell,

Until the owner shot him with a .22.

- Anonymous

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In autumn I attend local college.        As the trees are dropping their foliage
Try as I may
At lecture today
I will bring home a nugget of knowledge

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There once was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate too many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
Inside the lamented,
And made cider inside her insides.

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There was a young student from Galway

Who one night got sick in the hallway

His landlady’s daughter

Came in with some water

Which comforted him in a small way.

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I'm rubbish at this sort of thing,
As when it comes to English I am not the king.
I'll do my best
To get through this test.
And at the end English is what I will sing.

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There was a young lady named Bright
who traveled much faster than light.
She set out one day
in a relative way,
and came back the previous night.

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A man with a trust fund most vast
Wanted to try failing fast.
He failed and failed until he was jailed
And found he had peace at last.

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Example from There was a small boy of Quebec (By Rudyard Kipling)
“There was a small boy of Quebec
Who was buried in snow to his neck
When they said, ‘Are you friz?’
He replied, ‘Yes, I is —
But we don’t call this cold in Quebec.'”

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Example:: To Miss Vera Beringer (By Lewis Carroll)
“There was a young lady of station
‘I love man’ was her sole exclamation;
But when men cried: ‘You flatter,’
She replied, ‘Oh! no matter
Isle of Man is the true explanation.'”

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Example: There was an Old Man with a Beard (By Edward Lear)
“There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, ‘It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!”

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There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.

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My dog is quite hip,
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.

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A creature of charm is the gerbil
It’s diet exclusively herbal
It grazes all day
On bunches of hay
Passing gas with an elegant burble

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There once was a farmer from Leeds,

Who swallowed a packet of seeds.

It soon came to pass,

He was covered with grass,

But has all the tomatoes he needs.

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I remember when I was small and cool,

I was always playing truant from school.

My mum used to say,

"You'll regret it one day

When you grow up to become a fool."

Now I'm old; the damage is done.

How I wish I'd listened to Mum.

If I could turn back time,

I'd study hard and toe the line

Instead of acting foolish and dumb.

Now let that be a lesson to one and all

That life is more than just having a ball.

It was great having fun

When I was young,

But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.

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There was a young lady named Jeanie,
Who wore an outrageous bikini,
Two wisps light as air,
One here and one there,
With nothing but Jeanie betweenie.

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I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully said when it goes

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There was a young girl on a tower
Who looked just as fresh as a flower.
Her hair was like silk,
Her skin smooth as milk,
But her breath made the strongest knight cower.

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Stuck on the train with a cold
It's not much of a tale to be told
I've missed my next train
I hope it won't rain
Is this what it's like to be old?

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There was a young lady named Hall
Wore a newspaper dress at a ball
Her dress caught fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section and all.

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There once was a girl named Kate
A limerick she was destined to create
But she looked at the clock
And had quite a shock
Realising it was already too late!

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there once was some terrible men
but that's where most stories begin
We fought tooth and nail
and almost prevailed
but nevertheless, they continued to win

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There once once was a lady with a beard,
Who all the young village men feared,
She had crooked teeth
She always ate beef.
But never got anaemia.

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There once was a women called bright,
Who's speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.

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There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, “it is just as I feared!
Two owls and a Hen,
Four larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!”

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There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster then light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.

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I'm really determined and keen,

To start giving this house a spring clean.

I will do it I say,

Yes, I'll do it today,

Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.

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There once was a man from Butte,
Who went out in his birthday suit.
He wouldn't be told,
His willy got cold.
Now he's not feeling too cute.

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A fellow jumper off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to his bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.

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"There's a train at 4:04," said Miss Jenny.
"Four tickets I'll take; have you any?"
Said the man at the door,
"Not four for 4:04,
For four for 4:04 is too many."

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There once lived a boy near the ocean,
who thought he’d found magical potion.
He took a big drink
and started to think
it tasted just like suntan lotion.

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Why chose English?
possibly to thrive
or perhaps just to survive?
If you chose the latter,
I agree with you on that matter

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There once was a man from Esser
Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser
It at last grew so small
He knew nothing at all
And now he’s a college professor

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My neighbour came over to say,
Although not in a neighbourly way,
That he’d knock me around,
If I didn’t stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.

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To thee I bestow this creation

A rhyme to inspire elation

with words wrapped together

In unequal measure

to grant thee in mind, a vacation

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There once was a man who left class,
with the grand thought "oh at last,
I now have some study to do",
but when he got home,
his housemate was stoned,
so he lit up a joint or two.

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What a pity it is that Miss Horniman
When she wants to secure or suborn a man
Should choose Willie Yeats
Who still masturbates
And at any rate isn’t a horny man.

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Relentless, insatiable deadlines!

This manuscript's still full of red lines.

First I'll sweat through the edits

and check all the credits

then chill with my favorite red wine

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There was a young woman from Kircaldy,
Who drank IRN-BRU with her voddie,
She drank it too quick, it made her feel sick, and she puked up all over her body.

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There once was a very mad mam,
Whose wash game was going quite bad,
She looked left and right,
She seen no sun insight,
And decided it was time for a new plan.

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Once I had a woman I could call my own
Once I had a woman, now my woman she’s gone
Once there was a river, now there’s just stone
You know you’re losing when you’re living alone !

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There was once a fellow from Mallow

Who walked the streets as though in limbo

'The Fisherman' nick-named,

His life down the drain

And now hell flames claim his poor soul

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Once I did hear my brother call

The sun a giant fire ball.

How can that be?

For what I see,

Is something up high so small.

I see it at the break of dawn,

When it announces the day is on.

Its brilliant gold,

A joy to behold,

And being outside is so much fun.

John might be right, for I must say,

The sun is not so cool at midday.

Its shining light

Is just so bright,

I have to pull my eyes away.

Evening comes and it's so strange

How the sun still appears to change.

No longer small,

A bigger ball.

Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!

This curious ball hanging up high,

For me, raises many questions why.

But when it shines,

Then life is fine.

Thank God the sun is in the sky.

Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/the-ball-up-high

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There once was a man from Kansas,
Who’s nuts were made out of brass.
In stormy weather,
He’d clack them together,
And lightening shot out of his 🤬.

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A painter, who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.

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This cough has plagued me for a week,
Thankfully, it already hit its peak.
But the phlegm keeps on coming,
The Frustration is mind-numbing,
And if it doesn't clear soon, I will freak.

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There once was a man from Kansas,
Who’s nuts were made out of brass.
In stormy weather,
He’d clack them together,
And lightning shot out of his 🤬.

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One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

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The limerick packs laughs anatomical

Into space that is quite economical.

But the good ones I’ve seen

So seldom are clean

And the clean ones so seldom are comical.