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Means the title is currently on pause.

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Virgin Squad 3 script (Just finished it, such a masterpiece!)

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Virgin Squad 3 script (Just finished it, such a masterpiece!)

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Virgin Squad 3: Virgins at Work: Movie opens on a mission in LA, California. We are scoping a skyscraper that is believed to be an enemy base. Noah is watching the building with binoculars from a skyscraper a couple blocks away. The binoculars are pink. He sees a big black bulk guy, and a small white twink going into a room together, locking the door behind them. Triston Is at the entrance of the building siting on a bench eating a sandwich also scouting the building from the ground. He sees a guy with a Mohawk walk into the building. Jason is in the rip-off mystery machine with some random hacker guy that also works for S.A.P. Jason is checking out the security cameras that the random hacker guy that isn’t even going to get a name hacked into. Noah sees the same Mohawk guy walking past the glass window with a rainbow suitcase. He is also on the security camera opening a security door. Jason and Noah are too busy arguing over what is better sandwiches or hoagies to notice that the Mohawk guy is out of view. Jason notices that the Mohawk guy is missing and tells Tristan and Noah. Just then the building blows up... MISSION FAILED! This is The Virgin Squad: the worlds protectors. (We are screwed ass fuck) Tristan gets crushed by the rubble and Jason gets out of the mystery machine to go check on him. He finds him under the rocks unharmed laying on the ground just eating the sandwich. Sandwiches are great for anything. It cuts to us being back at the HQ where we are getting yelled at for failing are mission. YOU FUCKING IDEOTS ARE TO BUSY JACKING OFF TO FUCKING PORN SQUARTING YOUR MAYONNAISE ALL OVER AGENCY PROPERTY TO REALIZE THE TARGET IS WALKING INTO THE BUILDING, U GUYS HAD ACCESS TO ALL THE CAMERAS!!! Noah apologies and begs the boss to accept the apology. Tristan just sits there eating another sandwich. Jason says “Actually fuck-head we were arguing over what is better sandwiches or hoagies, so I think you should get your fucking facts straight. OK BITCH HOW ABOUT THIS, YOUR FIRED!!! YOU KNOW WHAT DUE TO YOUR BUDDY’S COMMENT ALL THREE OF YOU ARE FIRED!!! He has the big bulk black guys pull the 3 out. And tossed into the open mountains. The 3 just lay in the open snowy mountains. Noah- nice job dumb ass you just got us fucking fired. So, you have a million-dollar company. Noah- billion-dollar company. Jason- I don’t fucking care. Tristan- I wish I had some Mayonnaise to go with this sandwich. Noah - how are we going to get home? Tristan - perhaps that jet right next to us could work. Noah- I knew that was there. They get on the jet and the screen cuts off. It goes back to the inside of the S.A.P. HQ where the guy who they believed to be their boss takes of a face mask revealing himself to be some... random guy? He then licks his lips and takes a rainbow cake out of the workers only fridge. HOW THE HELL DID THAT RAINBOW CAKE GET THERE? It shows Tristan and Jason at their sandwich bar when some random people come in and start to shoot it up. They duck for cover and run to a room with experimental guns that they have been working on called the muster-Fyer. It shoots mustard. Obviously. They grab the guns and start to fight back shooting the people with mustard. The mustard guns are meant to be radioactive liquid that once they touch the enemy it will melt whatever it touches very slowly. Instead though they currently just stick to the enemy’s but if the enemy is near a wall, they will work like spider man’s webs. They spray the enemies with mustard and beat them up and stuff. YATA YATA YATA. More action stuff. Fight, fight, fight. Blah, blah blah. All the fighting is over, there is mustard everywhere and bad guys sticking to the wall and ceiling. Tristan grabs one of the bad guys and interrogates him, he refuses to say anything, so Tristan puts the mustard-Fyer in the guy’s mouth and pulls the trigger. The disgusting raw mustard burns the guy's mouth and he speaks. He claims he works for some organization called S.E.X. it is not yet known what that could possibly stand for. Their goal was to destroy the place, and the guy said his boss told him that the owners wouldn’t be there and would probably be to busy eating the snow and/or licking mirrors. Jason and Tristan carry the guy down to the basement and lock him in it. They walk outside to see the whole place sprayed with graffiti, there is a whole bunch of hoagies spray painted onto the wall. Jason – WHAT DID THEY DO TO MY FUCKING SANDWICH BAR, THERES HOAGIES EVERYWHERE!!! Tristan – How about we just paint sandwiches over the Hoagies. *Jason lies on the floor crying* Tristan – well alright then. Jason – what do we do with all these Hoagies? There’s literal Hoagies scattered all over the ground. Tristan – burn them. Noah pulls up in his Rainbow machine. Noah – or you could just eat them, and stop crying like a 5-year-old? Noah gets out of his Rainbow machine and takes a big bite out of one of the Hoagies and throws it back on the ground. Jason – That’s gross. Tristan – yeah, you just picked a piece of food off the ground and ate it. Jason – No not because he picked it off the ground, because it was a Hoagie. I bet it was from Wawa. Noah – shut up and get into my van. I have something to show you guys. They get into the Rainbow Machine/Van, same difference and he takes them to his Mansion. It for some reason looks like a bad guy’s mansion. Such a weird CONINCEDENSE. Noah takes them to his very secret bunker below his house. Jason – Hello random hacker guy! Random hacker guy – I have a name asshole, it’s Z- Tristan- do you have any hacked sandwiches random hacker guy? My name isn’t random h- Noah – SHUT THE FUCK UP, THIS ISN’T WHAT YOU’RE HERE FOR. RHG – ok, so I have located the guy who sent those people to your sandwich bar. He owns a rival sandwich bar. Jason – WELL LET’S GO DESTROY THAT BITCHES SANDWICH BAR, BURN IT TO THE FUCKING GROUND! RHG – wait I’m not – the 3 run to the rainbow machine. Noah drives to the rival sandwich bar, and they walk in casually. They sit down and order some Sandwich Cocktails. Noah – ok, let’s just sit down and act casual, scope the place out a bit. Tristan – this sandwich cocktail tastes weird. Noah – well yeah rainbow cakes are disgusting. Jason – No one said anything about rainbow cakes you fucking dumb ass. They all take a big sip of their sandwich cocktail. Random big bulk black guy – hey you, shouldn’t be here! Other random bulk black guy – Hey it’s the Virgins from the rival sandwich bar. White twink – get those bitches! Noah takes cover behind the bar counter. Tristan gets grabbed by The Random Big Black Bulk Guy, so he kicks him in the dick and TRBBBG lets him go and lays on the ground crying. The Other Random Bulk Black Guy tries to grab Jason, but he pushes a chair into him which keeps him still long enough for Jason to grab one of the really hot sandwich cocktails and throw into his face. The white Twink just sits there and laughs as the Big Black Bulk Guys get beat up by the Virgins. A Big Bulk… white guy? Walks through the front door and somehow sees Noah behind the counter. Again, this is one of those scenes that aren’t going to get explained because I just simply DON’T FUCKING FEEL LIKE IT. It makes sense, trust me pls. He grabs Noah. Jason is fighting the TORBBG, he runs towards Jason and pins him into the wall, just then Jason has a flashback of this asshole named Peyton from High School that once pinned him to a wall and laughed hysterically as he did it. Jason imagines this asshole being Peyton and punches him in the guts, then kicks him in the left leg, really, really, really, really, really hard. Tristan sees Noah being held up by the Big Bulk… White Guy? And grabs a pencil and jabs it into his Neck. The BBWG let’s go and falls to the ground. OOF! Pencils hurt. Noah and Tristan continue to kick him. Jason jumps onto a table, grabs a really hard object that would really hurt that I can’t think of right now and bangs it into his head, he falls down crying. If you haven’t realized no one dies in this franchise they just cry when they should be dead. It’s much more amusing than death, and less serious. The White Twink gets up and runs out the front door, Noah chases after him. Jason – I wonder if they have any actual sandwiches here… Tristan – they might have some through that door. Tristan points to a door that’s labeled: Sandwich Storage Unit. Jason walks into the room and Tristan follows. Jason grabs a sandwich off a shelf ad takes a bite out of it. Jason – Ew! Tastes like fucking shit! He throws it on the ground and stomps on it. Deeper in the room they find some bombs. What a wonderful coincidence, that’s just what they needed, and they happened to forget it. Tristan places one of the bombs and sets it for 5 minutes in the Sandwich storage room. I grab another one and place it in the main room and set it for 5 minutes. Tristan grabs another one and sets it for 5 minutes in the dungeon that I forgot to mention is a thing underneath the actual building. We run out of the building and into the Rainbow machine, we call Noah to see where he is at. Noah – Yeah umm…. The white Twink got away. I’m also kind of stuck… Jason – what do you mean your stuck? Noah – I got hit by a car and fell the white twink turned around flipped me off and ran away. I can’t get up. Tristan – Did he just say “Help, I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up? Jason – yes, he did. Noah – are you making fun of me? Jason – where are you? Noah – turn right. Jason – Oh, nice job your causing a traffic jam. Hangs up. Noah is laying on the ground at an intersection causing some cars to crash into each other. Tristan – okay, let’s go pick up Pillsbury Doughboy. They pick up Noah (Pillsbury Doughboy) and throw him into the back of the Rainbow Machine. Noah – whatda fuck, did you really have to throw me into the van? Tristan – yes. Jason – what’s that Pillsbury Doughboy? Noah – I like Tasty Cakes. Tristan – I think that technically makes you a cannibal. A firetruck and a couple of police cars past by with their sirens on, they follow in the Rainbow Machine. Jason – well I’m not sure about you guys, but I think that place looks 10x better now. The whole building is destroyed, with debris everywhere. There are burnt sandwiches everywhere, even on the road. A couple of blocks were destroyed along with the building. They were Chinese and Pizza places though, so if anything, it helped are economy. Tristan – it looks much better now, almost as good looking as Bill in the morning, but 10x more attractive. Noah – umm… one of the officers are coming towards us. Jason – I got this. Noah – oh just like you had talking to Nicole. Tristan – well, that’s an oof. Jason – you better shut the fuck up you 1000-pound goblin. Jason gets out of the van, slamming the van door shut behind him. Detective – Hey, I’m Detective Dick Smalls. Did you see what happened here? Jason looks back at the van. Tristan shrugs. Jason – excuse me, what did you say your name was again? Dick – Do I need to show you my badge, this is a serious case right here. Jason mumbles to himself – well maybe I should show you my badge. Jason mumbles really loudly, and Dick here’s him. Dick shows Jason his badge. Jason – Detective? Ha, your really low on the board. Dick – Fine, show me your “Badge” Jason goes into the van grabs a couple of crowns and a piece of paper, and draws a badge like a 5-year-old. Jason – here’s my badge. The badge is labeled “Virgin Squad, High on the board in more than one way” in colorful colors. Dick – Holly Shit, I’m so sorry for wasting your time Mr. Virgin Sir. Jason – WELL GET BACK TO FUCKING WORK, YOU KNOW WHAT. SHOW ME WHAT YOU FOUND SO FAR! Dick: Well we found this Rainbow cake in a safe. This scratch ticket, this gun that has only ever been bought by one person, and this signed confession. Jason – Hmm… guess the scratch ticket could be useful. Cuts to Noah licking his lips to the Rainbow cake. Then back again. Noah and Tristan get out of the van. Noah – Maybe we should take that Rainbow cake with us so I can eat it. Tristan gives Noah a weird look. Jason – wait, what did you just say? WE SHOULD TAKE THAT CAKE WITH US THAT WAY I – WE CAN BLOW IT UP AND LAUGH AS WE DO IT!!! Jason – Oh yeah, that’s a great idea. Tristan – how about the gun and signed confession? They don’t sound very useful. Dick – All the signed confession says is “The fake S.A.P. boss that fired the Virgins loves Rainbow cakes.” What’s S.A.P.? Tristan – a sandwich storage center? Noah – yeah… Jason – Well Small Dick it was fun meeting you, but we have some very important business to attend so I’ll be taking all this, and you will be acting like none of this ever happened. Have a good life! They get in the van an immediately start driving. Tristan – I can’t believe there’s a fake boss. Noah – that would explain us getting fired. Tristan – I think you should apologize to a certain person that is driving the van. Noah – NO. Jason – I can’t believe he likes eating Rainbow cakes and I hadn’t caught on earlier. It cuts to them walking onto Noah’s helipad, and they head towards the mountains. Jason – wait, let’s stop at my house really quick. Noah lands the helicopter at Jason’s front yard. He runs in and shortly runs out with a suitcase. Jason shoves a sandwich in Noah’s mouth and forces him to chew it. Noah – okay, let’s go. Tristan – so what’s in the suitcase? I mean that’s like 3x larger than any suitcase I’ve ever seen. Jason – I present to you Mustard gun 2.0. Don’t you dare fucking question when I was able to improve the original, I just did, okayyyyyyyy. Tristan – Got it. Jason – These have faster shooting rates, faster cooldown time, farther range, and it comes with a cup holder. Tristan – does it actually melt them yet. Jason – no, can’t seem to get that part to work. They are powerful enough though to were if we shoot someone with it, they will go flying. So, I think we can manage to get these to work. Noah – okay, we are landing. Jason – okay let’s get these weapons ready. Tristan – Hey, where did the Rainbow cake go. Jason looks at Noah and sees Rainbow crumb all over him. Jason – Noah, did you eat the Rainbow cake? Noah – No… I just blew it up (: Jason – o: Tristan – oh, good gob. Noah says weirdly – thx. Alarm: Attention all S.A.P. agents the Virgin Squad has gone Rogue and is here to destroy the whole HQ, I could do a whole bunch of talking but this is no DC movie, so I’m just going to keep this simple and say kill the Virgin Squad. I WANT THEM DEAD, CHOPPED UP, AND THROWN INTO A BURNER! Tristan – Fuck, That’s dark. They get out the Muster – Fyer 2.0.’s and run to building front door. Usually a movie like this would be more climatic, but since it’s a comedy and not meant to be taken seriously at all the front door will be the Virgins way in. Tristan opens the front door and right away some agents come out attacking the Virgins with some Flimsy Russian Dildos. They try to attack Tristan, but Noah shoots the guy right in the face and then Tristan knocks him to the ground and sprays him to it. Now Agent 1 can’t get up and is laying there crying, because that’s funny. It is, deal with it. Agent 2 tries to attack Jason with the Dildo, but Jason just pulls to the side and Agent 2 goes rolling of the cliff.

Agent 3 runs out the door and whacks Noah right in the face. Noah grabs onto Agent 3 as he fall, then grabs onto the ledge and let’s go of Agent 3. Agent 3 falls to his death. WAIT THERE IS NO DEATH IN THESE MOVIES! Agent 3 falls to his crying. They run inside and take cover behind some convenitaly placed product placement labeled CAT. So… some boxes I guess, or machines. Something like that. The 3 shoot about 15 agents that where trying to shoot at them from cover. Tristan – I think I found a flaw in these guns. Jason – what’s that? Tristan – they clog up, mines not working right now. Noah – Maybe you can suck it clean. Tristan – That’s fucking gross. Six more agents walk in though the front door right behind them. They fight a lot. Noah body slams Agent 19 onto the ground and shoots him with mustard. Tristan grabs the Dildo from Agent 19 and whacks Agent 20 with it. Jason grabs a Hoagie of a nearby table and throws it with full rage at Agent 21’s face, Agent 21 runs out the door with the Hoagie. Jason barricades the front door with some nearby stuff. Jason shoots Agent 20. Tristan and Jason then gang up on Agent 22. Jason punches him in the guts, Tristan whacks him in the back of the head, then Jason pushes him, and Tristan pulls him to the ground. Jason shoots Agent 22 with the Mustard gun. Noah is brawling a Mini Me rip off. Noah gets knocked on the ground and can’t get up Tristan jumps onto the guy pushing him too the ground, and Jason shoots MMRO/Agent 23. Tristan helps Noah up. Jason – wait, wasn’t there one more? OH HELLLLLLLLL YEAH!!! Agent 24 walks into the open with 2 machine guns and a couple of whips on his back. He has terminator glasses on, and is wearing a leather jacket with Guess jeans, because Guess jeans are quite literally tight, has black spikey hair. He looks like a Jeff Goldblum clone. Agent 24 shoots up the 3 Virgins, even after they are clearly dead – I mean crying he keeps on shooting. He laughs a lot as he walks closer to the 3. Wait! They aren’t dead, the magical sandwiches they ate revived them! They get back up and Agent 24 runs towards them with the whips. Jason – This is going to get messy. Jason grabs a metal bar off the table and throws it at 24, he catches it and throws it back at Jason, it hits him right in the head, Tristan runs up to 24’s left while Noah get’s his right. Tristan grabs him by the neck while Noah tries to take his whip. 24 whips Noah to the other side of the room, because it’s a really powerful whip. Jason grabs the metal bar and runs to 24. He blocks the upcoming hit from 24, but the bar gets knocked out of his grasp. Tristan throws the Dildo to Noah and Noah whacks him in the face, 24 is about to throw Noah again, but before 24 can do that Noah throws the Dildo to Jason. He whacks 24 in the face and 24 steps back. Tristan is on a higher level of the building which is basically a balcony, he pushes a big brick down, which falls down on 24’s head knocking him un-cautious. Tristan – Fuck, I miss the Big Black Bulk guy now. Jason – Yeah. Noah – now to fine the fake boss. They walk into the boss’s office to find the fake boss and the real boss. The real boss Is taped to chair. The fake boss is just sitting there eating a Rainbow cake. Fake boss – Holy shit, you guys are alive? Jason – TAKE OF THE FUCKING MASK YOU FUCKING COCK DEVOYER! Fake boss – okay, you got me. He takes off his mask to reveal himself the be the Virgin’s old Math teacher Mr. Voipe. You guys might think you have won, but Mr. Rainbow has got you just where he wants you. Noah – Who’s Mr. Rainbow? Tristan – I think Mr. Voipe has gone crazy. Well he was already not – weird, but this is a whole other level. Jason – He gave himself his own nickname? Mr. Rainbow – it’s not a nickname it’s my name! Jason takes out a mustar – Fyer and shoots Mr. Rainbow. Tristan helps the real boss out of the chair, Noah helps taking the tape of. Real boss – Do you guys not realize I have an actual name, it’s Bob Hitler. *Gasp* Jason – Oh, your related to Hitler? Bob – Yeah but I’m not like him, that’s why I helped you guys lock him up. Tristan – Makes sense, we just figured you would have told us something like this. Noah just stares at the Rainbow Cake. Agent 24, Mr. Rainbow, and all other Agents that betrayed S.A.P. get locked up in the prison with Hitler. Cuts to the 3 Virgins being at the newly built sandwich bar, that has a new lounge, sexual jokes spread throughout, and a good majority of… you guessed it FRECKLES. They all take sips of their sandwich cocktails, when Bob walks in. Hey, would you mind getting your boss a sandwich cocktail? The bartender that hates their life because they are forced to where a big sandwich outfit brings Bob a Sandwich outfit. Tastes pretty good! Noah – So what do you need boss? Bob – well after that mess with Mr. Rainbow I don’t really have any Agents left, so I figured you guys being my main and well only team could help me recruit some people. So I have some files, and if you happen to see something or someone worth looking into contact me and we can go through with it. Jason – Business talk is so fucking disgusting. Tristan – I like sandwiches. Jason – They are great. Noah – Yeah, now you just need to talk to Nicole. Jason stares blankly and gets lost in his thoughts. Sit through the credits and there is a scene where a Tom Cruise looking guy is robbing a bank beating cops and other people getting in his way in hand to hand combat and other fighting stuff. He completes the robbery but when he get’s back to his hideout, Jason is waiting there for him. Jason – Hey Rob, how’s it going? Rob – Who the hell are you? I’m Jason I work for this weird ass organization called S.A.P. not going to lie it’s pretty weird. Anyway we are in high demands of Agents, so I’m here to recruit you. Rob – And if I say no? Jason – Well I could simply turn you in, but I’d prefer to just point out how you just used the overrated “And If I Say No” Cliché.

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We spend years training on how to make the best sandwich ever created and finally accomplish it, it’s protected in Noah’s bunker with lasers and a giant safe. But the 3 of us being the fuckheads that we are forget to lock the safe and turn on the lasers. So Bill finds the Sandwich and steals it. He’s planning on dropping it from a really tall building, that way it can be extra dramatic and we can show the sandwich fall apart in slow-mo. So he makes his way to the One World Trade Center. We follow him because a whole bunch of plot holes that I will fill in eventually. Other stuff happens so we can reach at least an hour and a half runtime. But then it leads to us all being on top of Trump Tower because somehow Bill mixes the two up. We have a really cringe fight. BLAH BLAH BLAH. He wrecks the 3 of us because we are dumb asses. And we wind up having a dance off... because it worked in guardians of the galaxy... so why not? Bill being the sore loser that he is attempts to parachute of the building after he loses. He crashed into a tree and is stuck there. The police come and we say he stole are sandwich and we needed to get it back. The cops say they will only let us go if we make them one of are special sandwiches. So we do, they let us go. MOVIE. OVER.

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Virgin Squad 2, II, Two: Hitler's Resurrection Script (ALSO DONE)

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Virgin Squad 2, II, Two: Hitler's Resurrection Script (ALSO DONE)

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The movie opens in the location “VIRGIN ISLANDS PENETRATION PRISON” where Bill is being held. A guard brings Bill a cake. Jokes on you there’s no item of any sort. It’s just a cake, stop overthinking it you fuckhead. Then a another guard comes with a cookie... the cookie has a phone in it. The guy tells Bill “It is time” and based on are audience fan base they will automatically assume it’s some gay joke. They were not wrong, it cuts to you making out with a microwave, when you get a call from me saying “I need your help, I’m in a bit of a messy situation.” It cuts to me being in a experimental room where there is sandwich guts everywhere. You say your on your way. It’s worth mentioning we both own a company together called Sandwich Inc, we make sandwiches. Good Sandwiches. Really good sandwiches. It than cuts to Noah... making a whole in a pizza box as he is watching something pornhub related. Get the reference? Then he gets a call from some random contact telling him to meet him somewhere. It cuts to him driving is Honda Civic. Has to be that car. Has to be a Honda. And he pulls up to this location and he gets in a white van with some random guy. The guy reveals he works for a secret company called S.A.P. Also known as Straight Ass People. He is recruiting people for a upcoming problem. Hint, Hint: it’s Hitler So he is recruiting the 3 of us but decided to go to Noah first and have him come get us. Noah calls us telling us we have a great business opportunity and we say “SHUT THE FUCK UP NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT FUCKING BUSINESS OPPORTUNITIES, WE ARE TRYING TO CLEAN UP ALL THIS FUCKING
MAYONNAISE! Noah tells us we will get to beat up Bill and we immediately agree. We hop in my Chevy (mmm... product placement) and drive to his location which is still the inside of the white van. When you go in the white van though it is ten times the size on the inside. Some real Doctor Who shit. We get taken to some secret base which is right on the open mountains. We get told that Bill and his really bad company, which we directly refer to as the bad guys are resurrecting someone really eval, we don’t learn who to later. It cuts to Hitler coming out of a sinkhole. BLAH BLAH BLAH. Shows Hitler doing a whole bunch of stuff. Meanwhile we are being trained to fight and use guns and stuff... and more stuff. The guards are apparently eval so they just let Bill walk out of the prison and basically the interior of the building is destroyed with mayonnaise. It’s called the Mayonnaise-Fyer. It lets you shoots Mayonnaise out of a gun. At a really strong rate and power. Hitler is in New York with Bill and they are trying to resurrect the rest of the Nazis. Forgot to explain earlier... in order to resurrect someone using the sinkhole you need this special ore that is really hard to find so they are planning on digging for it with... spoons? It can only be found under cities. Can’t explain, won’t explain, shouldn’t explain. Then you put that ore in a machine and set the sink hole and you need something with the DNA or something like that of the person. So they realize the spoons aren’t going to work so they get out this Giant drill. Don’t know where it came from, not going to bother to explain. They aren’t doing the digging though they have some eval agents doing it. We do some Grand Theft Auto and rip those people out of the giant drills after a hell lot of climbing. There happens to only be three. We drive those drills into Trump Tower because that’s where Bill and Hitler are at because that’s one of the bases. They some how survive the collapsing building. They somehow deactivated the drills with a app. We get out of the drills. We go after Bill and Noah can’t catch up because he is too fat. Your right behind me when Bills about to fight me. But I immediately beat him because we had a whole bunch of training and all Bill has is karate which according to him means he can fight. We hijack a police helicopter and crash it into a car Hitler is in, Hitler jumps out and tries to run away. We have a fight with him which is slightly more climatic than the fight with Bill. He punches me in the jaw after he distracts me by saying Freckles suck. I just lay and cry. Yelling about how great freckles are. You beat Hitler by throwing a paper Ninja star at his eye really hard causing him to fall over and cry about how much his eye hurts and he rants about how much Jews suck. You help me up I say freckles are awesome  over and over again. You assure me they are, that way I will shut up. The cops come at pick Hitler up and tell us Bill got away. We are walking over to where he last was to see if there was any way to track him down when we see Noah walking out of a crappy looking pizza place with a pizza box, he is carrying it right above his waist. WE RUN! It cuts to Bill eating another Rainbow cake in his bunker, and then Hitler being held in that same Prison that Bill was in earlier, But it was bought and rebuilt by Noah. If you sit through the credits you’ll see the the scene where we are at a bar we just opened up... everything Is sandwich and freckle related.

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This scene isn't in the actual script, because this script is actually a summary. (Quite a twist) Jason cries in this movie at the very end right before he see's Noah with the pizza box he passes a girl with freckles. He cries, but shoves it off as soon as the freckled girl is out of range.

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In Virgin Squad 3 Jason cries when he see their is Hoagies spray painted all over the outside of his sandwich bar.

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In the second movie Jason cries when Hitler says Freckles suck after punching him in the jaw.

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Virgin Squad 4: The Final Chapter (This is it, so far)

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Virgin Squad 4: The Final Chapter (This is it, so far)

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Location: Deptford Mall, Deptford United States New Jersey. *Alarms going off throughout the mall, police sirens are making their way closer to the mall* Jason – PUT THE FUCKING MONEY IN THE BAG BITCH! Jason is pointing a Musta-Fyer at the cashier. Cashier – But why would you want the money, wouldn’t it make more sense to ask me to open up the back room with all the electronics in it? I mean, do you really think people pay in cash. I mean, its 2019 son. They use fucking credit cards when they are buying the expensive shit. Noah is in the corner of the GameStop to the right of the Cashier counter. Noah grabs a Virgin Squad video game case and throws it right at the cashier’s face. Cashier – WHATDA FUCK, NOW I’M GONNA HAVE A FUCKING BLACK EYE YOU PIECE OF SHIT! Noah – OPEN UP THE FUCKING BACK ROOM! OTHERWISE, I’M GONNA… Cashier – Your gonna what? Noah – I’ll umm… blow up the local Pizza Hut… Cashier – YOU WOUDN’T DARE! Noah – Do you really wanna find out? The cashier opens up the draws to look for the storage room key. Jason – Where the hell is Tristan? Noah – I don’t know, why does it fucking matter? We’ll find him later. Cashier – OK OK OK! I GOT THE KEY… JUST PLEASE… don’t blow up are local Pizza Hut… the cashier starts to cry. Noah – FUCKING BULLSHIT. QUIT THE FUCKING ACT AND OPEN THE STORAGE ROOM. Cashier – Okay. The cashier walks up to the storage rooms and unlocks the door. Cashier – There. Jason – Thankyou. Jason takes a pause, are those… freckles? Cashier – What? On my face? YEAH PLZ DON’T HURT ME. I CAN’T GET RID OF THEM WITHOUT MAKEUP, DO YOU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE THAT SHIT IS? Noah – Well, you could always just cut your skin off… you know that could work… Jason – No! Freckles are not bad. Cashier – Oh. So you’re not going to shoot me? Jason – OF COURSE FUCKING NOT! THEY ARE FRECKLES! FRECKLES ARE AWESOME! Jason continues talking to freckled female as Noah walks into the storage room. Noah – WHATDA FUCK? HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN HERE. Tristan is sitting on the floor eating Tacos and playing Minecraft Survival games on the PS69. There is a whole bunch of used condoms lying around the ground near Tristan. Tristan takes a quick glance at all the condoms. Tristan – Ummm…. Those aren’t mine. Noah – Where the hell did you get those burritos from? Tristan – Umm… they are TAcos. Noah – Well, I got a couple questions. First question if those aren’t your condoms then why are they Sandwich flavored. Second question, how the hell did you get in here? Tristan – Well I was checking out that rival Sandwich bar and this big, bald, black guy offered me the special. Whats weird was both the name and how the guy looked. The name of the drink was apparently the Cosby K.O. and the guy looked a little like Bill Cosby, he wasn’t even wearing a bartender uniform either. Noah – Umm… Tristan – I figured, hey whats the worst that could happen. I mean the drink looked like shit, piss, and dick, and ass but it didn’t taste that bad… It tasted kinda like Milk, If the milk was in a cat dish and shat and pissed on. Noah – Wait, why would you know what that tastes like? Tristan – You told me what is tastes like. Anyway of course the worst that could have happened was me waking up with my pants down, locked inside a storage room. Noah – So how did you get here? Tristan – Oh, I woke up with my pants down locked inside a storage room. Cuts to Jason. Jason – You have Instagram? Cashier – No, I have SnapChat though. Jason – Well shit, let me add you. *Meanwhile – A huge group of cops pull up to the mall entrances and start making their way into the building. Cop 1 – EVERYONE GET OUT OF THE AREA! THERE IS SOME COCK SUCKING LOSERS ROBBING THE GAMESTOP! IM NOT GOING TO ALLOW THESE DIRTY ASS SCUMS TO GET AWAY WITH THIS CRIME. I. AM. HERE. FOR. JUSTICE!!! Cop 2 – MISS, DID YOU NOT JUST LISTEN TO ANYTHING HE JUST SAID?!? HE SAID TO GET OUT OF ARE WAY, ITS NOT SAFE HERE!!! Miss – Officer, I must get my smoothie first. I paid 7 dollars for it; do you not know how much that costs for someone with minimum wage in the United States? Miss also has a baby with her, she is holding it in a basket. Smoothie server – Here is your smoothie miss. She puts down the baby in the basket that way she can grab her smoothie. Cop 3 – FINE! IF YOU’RE NOT GOING TO DO THIS THE EASY WAY, I GUESS WE WILL HAVE TO DO IT THE HARD WAY. All 3 of the cops put their strength together to pick up the lady and throw her through a glass window. Cop 1 – Have fun in safety! Cop 2 – Be free! Cop 3 – We are great people! The baby crawls out of the basket and slowly makes his way to the Gamestop, but the officers are in its way. Cop 1 – Aww shit, there’s a baby!?! Should we let it pass? Cop 2 – Sir, show me your ID? Cop two puts his hand out. The baby drools on his hand. Ewww; Whatda fuck?!? SHOOT THE FUCKING THING! MY HAD IS FUCKING MELTING!!! Cop 3 – Oh stop being so dramatic. Let me see her hand. Cop 3 shines a light on cop 2’s hand. Yeah, looks legit to me. You may enter. The cops move out of the way to let the baby enter. Cop 2 – The thing fucking drooled on my fucking hand and you’re just going to let it walk right pass and get away with that? Cop 1 – Fucking god, you’re so annoying. Cop 1 pulls out a gun and points it at cop 2. Cop 3 – Yooooooo. This isn’t the fucking time for messing around, there is 3 criminals over in that GameStop. Are we just going to let them get away? Cop 1 – shut the fuck up! Cop 3 – Fine. Cop 3 takes out a gun and points it at cop 1. Cop 2 – ohhhhhh shit. Umm… I kinda don’t have my gun. Sorry. I woke up this morning and was rushing out, so I grabbed my gun case, but then when I got to work and opened up the case there was weird dildo thing in it. He pulls out the dildo. Cop 1 – Try shaking it. Cop 2 shakes it. It seems kinda flimsy. Cop 3 – Therefore it must be Russian… All 3 cops at once say hmm….. Cuts back to the Virgins. Jason – There, sent you a request. Freckled Cashier – K, give me a second. Noah – And what’s your explanation for the condoms? Tristan – I have no clue what you mean by condoms. Noah pulls some gloves out of his pockets and puts them on. He then picks up the condoms. Noah – These condoms. Tristan – Ohhhhhhhhh. Those are condoms? I thought they were Jolly Ranchers. Sandwich flavored Jolly Ranchers. Noah – Well. No. They are not. They are condoms. That would explain why they were so hard to digest. Can you die from swallowing a couple of condoms? Noah – I don’t really know the answer to that. Freckled Cashier – There. Jason opens up his phone and sends the freckled cashier a message. Freckled Cashier – Whats that supposed to be a picture of? Jason – I don’t have a clue. Just then the cops run into the GameStop. Cop 1 – YOUR ALL UNDER ARREST! Cop 2 – I’M GONNA EAT YOUR ASSES OUT IN PRISON! Cop 3 – YEAH – WAIT WHAT? Cop 1 and 3 stare at cop 2. Cop 3 – What did you just say? Cop 1 – Okay, that’s enough. I’m done with this shit. Cop 1 shoots cop 2 in the head. Cop 3 – HOLLY FUCKING SHIT! Noah – They are distracted, we can make are escape. Jason – WHAT ABOUT THE FRECKLES? Tristan – You can get freckles another time. Noah – Yeah, we need to get out of here that way I can use the money to afford the new $98575468567 iphone 69. Tristan – Shut up before I eat your ass. They run out of the GameStop. Jason – Wait I gotta make a stop really quick. Noah – what, no. We have to get out of here. Tristan – What for? Jason -There is a rival sandwich, I’m gonna check it out. Noah – Fine. Have a quick scope, make it quick tho. Jason runs over to the rival sandwich bar. Jason to himself – okay C4, Tyler’s get you in place. Jason places all the C4 throughout the rival sandwich bar. He then searches the place for anything valuable. Jason to himself – ahhhhh. Look what I found. Must have been quite a milestone for this business. There is a plaque labeled are first sandwich. With a silver sandwich sitting in a case below. Jason smashes open the case and puts the sandwich in his pocket. Jason to self – This will make a nice souvenir. Jason puts the activation switch for the C4 in his pocket and runs out of the Rival Sandwich bar and back to his fellow virgins. Jason – hehehehe. Noah – What did you do? Jason pulls out the switch. Noah – WHATDA FUCK! I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO JUST SCOPE THE PLACE?!? Jason – Pshhhh. I never agreed to that. Tristan – That red button is pretty. I wander what it does. Tristan attempts to press the button but Jason puts it back in his pocket before he can. Noah - I’m not leaving with the C4 in there. We need to go pick it back up. Jason – Fine. The 3 Virgins go into the Rival sandwich bar. Noah- Okay before you accidentally blow us all up, give me the switch. Jason – umm… I don’t have it. I left it in my pocket, but it’s not in here. Tristan – Ahhhhhhhhhh. Red button your so fucking hot and sexy. I just wanna make love. Noah – Tristan! Don’t fucking do it! Jason – Think about all the sandwiches you might kill. Tristan presses the button. The 3 virgins are all cover in rubble. Tristan precedes to make out and make love with the red button. Tristan – ahhhhhhhhhh. Who’s a sexy hot vainy red button? That’s right. You are. Cops – EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UP! YOUR FUCKING UNDER ARREST YOU NASTY FUCKING SCUM! ITS PEOPLE LIKE YOU THAT FUCKING RUIN THIS COUNTRY. Tristan - Don’t worry baby it will all be ok. Cop – Give me that fucking switch. He takes the switch and slams it into the ground. He then stomps on it. Tristan – Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!! It cuts to a Militarized police van pulling up to the prison entrance. Noah – You motherfucking assholes are so fucking stupid! You need to let us go! Guard – Oh, shut your fucking mouth. Or you will be our sex slave. Noah – ahhhh. I love the sound of that. Guard – Brick, get out the sleepy serum. Brick gets out the sleepy serum and injects Noah with it. It knocks out Noah instantly. Both Jason and Tristan start laughing not – weirdly. Guard – BOTH OF YOU SHUT THE HELL UP BEFORE I FUCKING INJECT BOTH OF YOU. Tristan – Ewww. No I don’t want your penis inside my ass. Guard – What I never s -Jason – that would be really gay. Guard – no I’m not – Tristan – Kydere! WE FOUND YOU LOVE MATE!!! Guard – SHUT THE FUCK UP! The guard starts to cry. Plzzzzzz don’t tell my wife. Jason – We won’t if you let us go. Guard – Nah; my wife is dead anyway. Tristan – Ya I get what you mean. She is that much of a bitch. Guard – No. I murdered her and framed my son. Jason – That’s fucked up. Guard – And your about to meet him. Goodnight. Brick injects both Tristan and Jason with the sleepy serum. They all wake up in their cells, which are all right next to each other in a row. Jason’s is in the middle. Facing the cells from the outside, Tristan’s is on the right and Noah’s cell is to the left. Noah – You have to be fucking kidding me. We are stuck in fucking cells. In a fucking prison. And we have no clue where we even are. Jason – Look on the bright side. Noah – And whatda fuck is the bright side of being in a fucking prison? Tristan - Don’t you want to see the guys son? Jason – Yeah. Plus: they have free food, free sleeping quarters, and free plumbing. Also, it had to happen to us eventually. I mean. The screen writers need original ideas. Might as well get this one over with. Noah – Must be one fucking shitty ass screenwriter. Tristan – Oh. For sure. Jason – ummm…. Yeah. Guard – HEY! DIPSHITS GET TO FUCKING SLEEP! Tristan - I’m not tired tho. Guard – Hey. Open up this door would you? The cell door to Tristan’s cell opens. The guard gets out his taser beater stick. Guard – Time to teach you a lesson. Tristan – PLZ NO! The guard beats Tristan. The```````````````````` guard walks out of the cell with the door closing behind him. Do either of you want to talk shit? Or do you wanna get some sleep. There is just silence for a minute. Jason – Do you guys have Tacos here? Guard – GO TO FUCKING SLEEP! Jason – I will as soon as you answer my questions. Do you guys have tacos here? Guard - *Sigh* Only on Tuesday. Noah drools. NOW GET SOME FUCKING SLEEP. They go to sleep. Jason whispers to Noah from the other side of the wall. Jason – Noah, I think THEY MURDERED TRISTAN! Noah – Knock it off. Go to fucking sleep. Jason goes to sleep. In the morning. Guard – EVERYONE WAKE THE FUCK UP! UP! UP! UP! He opens Noah’s cell. He starts tassing him. WAKE THE FUCK UP! He pulls Noah out of the bed and throws him into the main hall. Jason gets out of his cell and helps Noah up. Jason – Where da fuck is Tristan. Noah – Did you check his cell? Jason – Of course I fucking checked his cell. Noah - I’m sure he’ll turn up eventually. Right now, let’s go get breakfast. They grab their lunch and search for a table but they are all taken. Noah – I know the perfect place. Cuts to then walking into a bathroom. Jason – Really? We are going to eat in a bathroom. Noah – it’s the safest place. There is no threats. No inconveniences. Jason – Shhhhhhh. Noah – what? Jason – Someone… is in that stall. Jason points to a stall. Noah – Oh. Shit. The person open the stall and walks out. Person – Oh! Who are you guys? Jason – MOTHERFUCKER! GET THE FUCK OUT YOU SHITHEAD!! THIS IS OUR FUCKING TERRITORY!!! Noah (whispers to Jason) – calm down and be nice to the bitch. We could get ourselves someone to work with. Jason (whispers to Noah) – I thought you said we can’t trust anyone? Noah – I was talking about all those big bulk men that this prison is full of. Does he look like he can harm you? Jason – I guess not. But I don’t see why you have to be so sexist, there is also plenty of big bulk lady’s to pleas you and your horny needs. Noah – Whatda fuck! No that’s not what I fucking meant. Person – You guys know, I can hear everything your saying right? I’m a girl not a guy. Jason – I know that, just this idiot doesn’t. Jason slaps Noah’s neck. Person – Also fat boy you have a weird fetish. Noah mumbles to self. Noah puts his hand out to shake the person’s hand. The person doesn’t shake his hand Noah – Hi I’m Noah. Person – Hi. Jason – I’m Jason. Person – Hi. Jason – And sir, what is your name? Person – I’m not a sir. I’m a female. My name is Gabby. Jason – Ehhhh. Same difference. Gabby – So what are you guys doing in the lady’s room? Jason – We aren’t in the lady’s room, you’re in the men’s room. Noah – Umm… I don’t think these restrooms are specified. Jason – Still why were you hiding in the stall and then jump out as soon as we walked in. Noah – Wait… do prisons even have restrooms? I’m pretty sure they just have a single toilet in each stall. Jason – Well yeah, were in it right now. Stop questioning the script guy. Noah- Okay. Jason walks up to the stall that Gabby was hiding in and opens it. Jason – Whatda fuck? Noah walks up. Noah licks his hand and picks up the powder. He sniffs it. Noah – Coke. Your kind disgusts me. Gabby – NO! I SWEAR! I HAVE A GOOD REASON! Jason – WELL FUCKING SPEAK!!! Gabby – Well you see, the coke fogs up the prison’s movement sensors of which they turn on at night in the case of anyone finding a way out of their cells. Noah – Ahhh I see. Jason – Whatda fuck is a movement censer? I thought those were only in Mission Impossible. Noah – I hope you’re making a horrible joke. Otherwise, your even dumber than I thought. Noah – And I suppose you need the help of some other people to go through with the plan? Gabby – Well… yeah. Jason – Why do you have it scattered everywhere though? Gabby – Hey, just because I’m using it to escape doesn’t mean I can’t use a small portion of it for my own joy. Jason – Alright, sounds good to me. Noah – So, do you have more to this plan of yours? Gabby – To be honest… no. Well kinda. Ok, no I don’t. Noah – Well, it’s a good start. Guard – EVERYONE INTO THE FUCKING COURTYARD NOW!!!!! Cuts to courtyard. Jason – Still no Tristan in sight. Where the hell did you get that sketchbook? Noah – Found it in a trashcan, it has an escape route on it. Jason – And you’re going to follow it! Dumb ass. And you call me dumb. Noah – No, I’m not going to follow it. Just, it is really interesting. According to this there is a big empty area inside the prison walls, could be a secret room. And Its larger than most the other rooms. Jason – What do you think could be in there? Noah – I have no clue, but probably something they don’t want us to see. Jason – So I’m assuming your planning on finding a way into it? Noah – Well, yes. We certainly aren’t going to follow this route though, there is no way someone would have left this behind if they went as far as making it. So it has to be either they died somehow and it ended up in the trash or someone is plotting a trap for us. Jason just stands there with a super confused face. Jason – Huh? Noah – We are going to check out that room, I just need to construct a plan. Jason – Oh, got it. I’m gonna go look around and maybe talk to some people. Noah – Good idea. Jason walks to a couple of people talking on a bench next to the basketball court. (Of which I’m not actually sure if any prisons have those because I didn’t feel like doing and research and feel kinda lazy) He squeezes in between the two people. Person 1 – Whatda fuck do you want cunt? Person 2 – I’m gonna cut your fucking eye out! Jason – Relax peeps! Me and ma homie over there are just trying to make some new friends. Jason – So what you say homies? Wanna be best friends? Person 2 – THAT FUCKING DOES IT! He takes out a knife and Jason jumps off the bench. I TOLD YOU I WAS GONNA FUCKING CUT YOUR GODDAMN FUCKING EYE OUT! I KEEP MY PROMISES!!! Person 1 – You know what, actually, yeah I’ve been trying to make new friends here. Just everyone either wants you to burn in hell or cut your fucking eyes out. Person 2 – You wanna be friends with this loser? Person 1 – I’m pretty sure I just said that. Person 2 – I just want you to know, I’m not trusting you with nuthing you ass. Jason – That’s very nice, good for you. So, new friends: was there like any recent deaths or sumthing in this prison? Person 1– Yes actually. There was one yesterday. Jason to self – That ma- Person 1 – There was also that one guy that got killed the day before that. Not to mention the guy that got killed the day before the day before that guy. Jason – Wait, I’m con- Person 2 – May I add on to that? Person 1 – Of course! Jason – Calm d- Person 2 – There was the guy that got killed the day before the day before the day before the other guy that got killed. Person – Oh yes that was last Monday. Jason – That makes no sense! Today is Sunday! Person – No, cuz there is 8 days in a week. Jason – THERE ISN’T 8 DAYS IN A WEEK! AND EVEN IF THERE WAS THAT STILL WOULDN’T MAKE SENSE! Guard – EVERYONE BACK INTO THE FUCKING BUILDING. TIME FOR FUCKING DINNER! Jason – Wait, but we didn’t even eat lunch. Person 1 – We don’t have lunch here. Person 2 – Cuz they have a really low budget. Person 1 – No they have a fucking billion-dollar budget, they just spend it all on those fucking beater sticks. Jason – You guys say fucking a lot. Person 2 – Is that an insult? Jason – Umm…. Gotta go get dinner see you guys later! Jason runs. That guy is scary. Jason meats Noah and Gabby in the restroom. Noah – Ok, so I’ve got a plan. Gabby – EScApE PlAN?!? Noah – No. we are going to check out this secret room before we plan are escape. Gabby – What secret room? Noah – We found this blueprint of the building and there is this big empty area in the middle of the building which is probably a hidden room. Jason – So? What’s the plan? Noah – Well, were gonna cliché. Jason – Huh? Noah – We can get there through the Sewage system, so we can use the toilets. Jason – OH! LIKE A WAY OUT! Noah – Yes, like A Way Out. It can also be are escape route. So, we are going to need a screwdriver, some cheese and crackers, and a rope. Jason – For what? Noah – We are going to use the cheese and crackers to distract the guards, we need to rope to put enough force on the toilet to pull it out, and the screwdriver to unscrew the entrance to the sewage system. Jason – Where da fuck am I going to find cheese and crackers? Noah – The guard lounge retard. Jason – How da fuck am I going to get into the guard lounge?!? Noah – Relax. I’ve already thought that through. You know how to pickpocket right? Jason – Of course. How else would we push this movie forward? Noah – Huh? Jason – Yes. I can pickpocket. Noah – Okay, I’ll distract the guard while you pickpocket him. Gabby – And what do I do? Noah – Umm…. Jason – You can be the Meth dealer. Noah – Where does all those drugs you have come from anyway. Gabby – Oh, you don’t wanna know. Jason – She definitely shits the drugs out. Noah – For sure. Noah – Ok, so in a few minutes they are going to call us to are cells. You’re going to find the most gullible one and stall. Jason – Gul-ib-ler… Noah – Damnit. The most stupid one. Hopefully you’re not more stupid than him. Jason – That’s kinda mean. Noah – I don’t fucking give a shit. While you’re talking to him I’m going to come up and join the conversation. You’re going to kinda slide out of the conversation as you pickpocket him. We need that ID badge so we can get those cheese and crackers from the lounge. Guard – ALL YOU DIRTY ASS FUCKIG HOES GET TO YOUR CELLS. TIME TO GET SOME SLEEP! Noah – FUCKING GO! Jason – Calm da fuck down, I’m going dam. *Jason think! I need something to say. Whatda fuck do I say to a guard?!?* Jason walks up to a guard. The guard looks at his ID tag. Guard – WHAT DA FUCK ARE YOU STANDING THERE FOR #669? DID YOU FORGET WHERE YOUR CELL IS?!? *FUCK! FUCK!! FUCK!!!* Jason – I HAVE A FRECKLE FETISH! The guard just stares at him. Guard – Well actually, I very much understand. Freckles are extremely attractive. Jason – Yeah I know! Guard – Especially freckled co***. Jason - Whatda fuck!?! Guard – Are you judging me for being homo? Jason – WHAT? NO! Just that wasn’t what I meant. The guard takes out his beater stick. Jason – FUCKING SHIT. Noah walks up behind the guard with an annoyed and confused face. He mouths “keep distracting him.” Guard – TIME TO LEARN SOME MATTERS YOU LITTLE SHIT!!! The guard swipes the stick forward with force, Jason jumps back and it barely misses. Jason – CALM YOUR FUCKIG SHIT MAN! Guard – EHHHHHHH! He runs towards Jason with the beater stick waiving back and forth. He swipes it high in the air near Jason’s head and Jason ducks down. Jason jumps onto the guard and knocks him to the ground. The guard hits Jason in the leg with the beater stick. Jason – Ow! My fucking leg. Other guards run in and pull Jason off the guard. They beat Jason and knock him out. He wakes up in tight enclosed cell pod and can’t move. He can barely breath through the small little breathing whole in front. Jason – Good thing I happen to be the perfect height for this thing. Torture guard – We have different models. They come in different sizes and shapes. Jason – How da hell do they come in different shapes? Torture guard – Some are smoother and more circle than others. Jason – That wouldn’t make it a different shape. Torture guard – Yes it does. Jason – No. The torture guard clicks a button and the chamber starts to fill with gas. Jason – Hey ass twat! *Cough Cough* Bet you can’t beat me in a 1 v 1 fight… (Very long pause) of Smash Bros. The torture guard has a huge grin on his face. Torture guard – Are you challenging the smash god to a game of smashing? Jason – Yes. I. Am. Torture guard – BET. Cuts to them playing some SMASH. Jason wins. Torture guard – You little bitch. You said nuthing about items, and I had items off. How da hell did that Smash ball get there? Jason to self – Ah shit. Torture guard pulls a machete out of his pocket. Torture guard – time to settle this the right way. The Torture guard launches himself towards Jason. He pulls to the side and the guard pushes past him. Jason – SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! *I need a weapon. Where da fuck is a – * Jason finds a beater stick lying on a nearby table. Jason – Fuck yeah. The guard runs back towards Jason as he grabs the beater stick. He hits the machete with the beater stick and pushes force. When the machete is about to hit the ground he whacks the torture guard in the face with the beater stick. The torture guard runs at Jason out of pure rage. Jason jumps to the side and the ass twat runs right into the chamber. (Ignore the fact that it was way too small to run into earlier, cuz this is just plot convenient. Obviously the script writer is playing it by year 😊) Jason slams the button to close the chamber. Torture guard – LET ME OUT OF HERE YOU LITTLE SHIT AND MAYBE I WON’T SLAUGHTER YOU AND EAT YOU WHEN I GET OUT! He has a huge grin on his face. Actually I take that back. I’m still gonna eat you. Jason – SHUT UP ASS TWAT! I’M DA SMASH BOSS NOW BITCH! Jason slams the gas button. Now, time to get out of here. As Jason is walking towards the exit he sees a tool room. How convenient. He opens the door and finds a screwdriver and some rope. Ah! Goody bag. Jason picks a duffel bag up from the corner and puts some stuff in it. Jason walks out of the storage room and down the hallway. (Switches to Noah) Noah swipes the keycard on the guard lounge after he is sure it Is empty. Ah! There they are! He grabs the cheese and crackers and exits the guard lounge. (Are guard lounges a thing in prisons?) (Cuts back to Jason) Jason walks out of the building and into the… courtyard? Jason – Wait, this fucking torture chamber was here the whole time?!? That’s scary. Jason casually walks by the other prisoners. Prisoner 1 – Oh hey, weird man how’s it going? Prisoner 2 – Oh this cracker again. Jason – Sorry. Too busy to talk right now. Prisoner 2 – Clearly. He glances at the duffel bag. Jason enter the main building. Noah – OH! Your alive… Jason – Huh? Noah – I SAID OH SHIT! THANKGOD YOUR ALIVE! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD! Jason – Oh. For a second there you sounded a little disappointed that I was still alive. Noah – I think your just hearing things. Jason – Yeah, your probably right. Noah – You got the rope and screwdriver in that duffel bag? Jason – Yes, not we just need to get the cheese and crackers. Noah – Already got that. (Flashes back to “A short while ago”) Noah enters a stall with the cheese and crackers. He closes the toilet seat and puts the cheese and crackers on top. He then takes his shoes off and places them in front of the toilet to make it look like it is occupied. Noah locks the stall from the inside and crawls under the door to the outside of the stall. Random Dickhead – HEY YOU! WHAT YA TRYING TA HIDE?!? Noah – Nuthing. Mr. Sir. Random Dickhead – I saw you enter that stall with those cheese and crackers and I’m hungry ass fuck. He licks his lips and makes a huge slurp sound. Noah – Sorry… You can’t have them. Random Dickhead – And whats stopping me from getting them little boy? Noah gulps. Noah – mE? (Noah has a major voice crack as he says me) Random *Hungry* Dickhead – Looks like I gotta fight ya for those cheese and crackers boy. Noah – You think your big and tough ass hole, I can beat you in some hand – to – hand combat anytime. Random Dickhead – I ain’t say nuthing about nun hand – ta – hand combat boy. He leans down and takes a knife out of his shoe. Little boy… lets have me sum fun.            Noah – … Random dickhead – Live or deaf son. The Random dickhead charges at Noah. Noah runs into a stall then closes and locks the door. (No fuckhead, it is not the one with the cheese and crackers in it) The random dickhead bangs on the door and screams. Random dickhead – OPEN THE DOOR MOTHERFUCKA OTHERWISE ME SHALL BRAKE DIS SHIT DOWN SOON ENOUGH! Noah takes a deep breath and then unlocks the stall. The random dickhead barges in and attacks Noah. He pushes Noah to the ground and then starts to Rawr and pound on his chest like Donkey Kong. While he is acting like he is Donkey Kong Noah pushes random dickhead’s head into the toilet and fully submerges his head in water. Noah keeps his head in there until…. He dies. Except he doesn’t die, he just starts to cry. Cuz we don’t allow death here. (Cuts back to present) Jason – Oh, well that answers my next question. Noah – Of which was? Jason – Where da fuck are your shoes? Ok, so that means we got all the shit we need to escape. Whatda fuck do we do now? Noah – Well, today is the concert. Jason – I’m not joking around; I fucking hate this place. Noah – I’m serious. This prison allows prisoners to play their own instruments. And they have a band, that is playing for us today and we are forced to participate in. Jason – Where da hell is this concert even taking place? The prison’s amphitheater. Jason – How da fuck does the prison have a – Noah – ENOUGH FUCKING QUESTIONS!!! Jason – Damn, ok. Noah – The questions are super fucking annoying. Jason – Sorry. *Over prison speakers: All prisoners report to the prison’s amphitheater for the CockSurgers music concert thingy.* (Cuts to concert. Obnoxious horrible music is being played by the prison’s CockSurgers) Noah whispers to Jason – Hey, how about we find that weird girl and sneak out of here. It’s the perfect distraction for are escape, we just can’t get caught from all those guards patrolling the prison. Jason – How do you know they are patrolling the prison? Noah – It just seems logical. Jason – Alright, let’s get out of this shit hole. Jason gets out of his seat and starts walking down the theater isle crouched, looking for Gabby. He makes it about a quarter way down the aisle before a guard sees him. Guard – Whatda fuck are you doing?!? Jason – Umm… *He thinks of an excuse for a minute* I’m trying to get a seat closer up because I can’t see. Guard – You don’t really need to see them playing the music. It’s kinda a hearing thing. Jason – I said hear. I told you I need to get a seat closer up so I’m able to hear the music. Guard – Oh… ok. Well, why are you crouching like that. Jason – Ehhhh…. My legs hurt. Guard – We – Jason – Wait no, that’s not what I said. You heard me wrong. I said I don’t wanna get in the way of peoples view. Guard – That is very generous of you. Sorry to interrupt you, continue – Another guard walks over and interrupts. Guard 2 – You stupid fucking retard. This is that troublemaker that’s been causing all the problems in the prison. Guard – Well, how da fuck was I supposed to know. Aren’t we supposed to take mugshots or something when locking someone up? Cuz if we had I would have known who he was. Guard 2 – Shut the fuck up. I don’t make the rules and neither do you. Since you asking all these annoying ass questions like a little bitch I’m gonna have to report you. Now you, you little piece of annoying shit come with me. Guard 1 sighs. Guard 1 – I hate my life…  Guard 1 grabs Jason by the arm and takes him out of the ampheater. They past Noah on the way out. Noah – Fucking shit! Fucking hell! It can never be easy. Noah sneaks out behind them. Jason – So bro, where you taking me? Torture chamber? Mine Shaft? Wait, it better not be that suck dungeon again I had enough of that back in Monaco. Guard 2 – SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU ARE SO ANNOYING!  Jason – Then answer the question, my man. Guard – I am not your bro or man! SO SHUT THE FUCK UP!?! PLEASE?!? Jason – I appreciate the manners dude, is it alright if I call you dude, yeah it is. Sorry tho, no can do. I need to know where I be going. Dude –  (This is guard #2 he will be known as dude going forward) FINE IF IT WILL GET YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP! Jason – I’ll handshake on it. Dude – Fine. We are going to the dungeon. They shake hands. (Little does Dude know, Jason spat on his hand) Whatda fuck?!? Jason – That’s how we do it in the west, dude. Also, would this dungeon happen to be… a sex dungeon? Dude – IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU GETTING RAPED BY ANOTHER MALE! Jason – Oh, I was thinking more original, like maybe shemales. Dude – What da fuck, do you have a penis fetish? Jason – No, but you do. Dude – I – NO! Jason – Yes you do. You got a boner when you saw my buddy Noah. Dude – HOW DA FUCK DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?!? IT ISN’T EVEN VISIBLE, MY ARMER COVERS IT!!! Jason – It is kinda like Noah’s seventh sense. Dude – He can smell gay? Jason – No, homo homophobic ass. He can just sense if someone is horny. Sexual intent is irrelevant. He keeps fucking picking on me when I see some pretty freckles or glasses… it just isn’t nice… Noah walks up from behind and bashes Dude in the head with something really heavy. (Fill in the blank?😊) Jason – Sorry, had to tell him about your seventh sense to distract him. Noah – You didn’t tell him about the sixth sense did you? Jason – Of course not. Gabby turns a corner, smoker some pot. Gabby – There you guys are. Noah – Good. Now that we are all together we can go through with the plan. Jason – Don’t we have to wait till night time? Noah – Why da fuck would we have to wait to night time? Jason – Cuz that’s when all prisoners escape. Cuz, the cells aren’t open during the day. Noah – Well, the douchebags here are stupid enough to leave them open all day. Jason – That just doesn’t work. You can’t escape during the day!!! That sounds so fucking weird!!! Noah – JUST SHUT UP! WE ARE DOING THE ESCAPE NOW! Jason – Well damn, ok. Fine. We will do the escape now. What was the point of the cheese and crackers then? Noah – They are most likely going to pull backup once this guy wakes up. I’m gonna go grab the cheese and crackers right now. You guys head to my cell. *Cuts to cell* Jason – So…. What are you going to do once you get out of here? Gabby – Smoke some pot. Jason – Really that’s it? Gabby – Nah. I’ll also smoke some weed, sniff some cocain. Oh and I’ll kill that bitch. Jason – That bitch? Why do you want to kill someone? Gabby – The bitch is my fucking dad. He killed my mom and framed me. She/he eats the coke. Jason – Are you supposed to eat that shit? Gabby – I don’t know, it doesn’t come with instructions. Noah walks into the cell. Noah – Ok, time to escape. Jason, take this end of the rope. Jason – What do I do with it? Noah – Give me a second. Noah grabs the screw driver from the duffel bag and puts pressure on the back of the toilet with it. Gabby, You see what I’m doing? I need you to keep putting pressure on it. Gabby – Ok. Noah – Now Jason, wrap it around the toilet with the middle of the rope on the back of the toilet. Jason – Done. Noah pulls the other end as hard as he can. Noah – Fuck. We are going to need something heavy. Would be easier if it had wheels. Jason – Would that metal food serving cart behind you work? Jason points behind Noah. Noah – Yeah. I guess it would. Noah wraps the other end of the rope to the carts wheel. Angry guard 1 – THERE ARE THE FAGGOTS THAT ATTACKED THAT GUARD! Angry guard 2 – LETS GO FUCK THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS UP! Angry guard 3 – YEAH! THEY HURT JIM! Angry guard 4 – SHUT THE FUCK MAN! WE AREN’T SUPPOSED TO USE ARE NAMES! (Hell O! I bet your probably questioning my writing skills, well more like typing, and saying I use caps too much. Maybe questioning how much “!” I use? Or maybe the fact that this escape plan might make literally 0 sense. Well 2 things. #1: YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF!!! Caps bitch. #2: I forgot to do the research, or more like just didn’t feel like it. I’d like to see you do better. Anyways time for me to stop trying to make the script longer with pointless dialogue.) Jason – Good thing the government only hirers dumb asses. Noah – This prison is actually privitaly owned. Something called GAD or GAP. Noah pushes the metal cart out of the cell. Help me pick this up. Jason and Noah throw it over the ledge. Angry guard 5 –  (He isn’t actually angry tho) Guys, you left without me. Angry guard 3 – FUCKING HELL, NOT THIS ASS AGAIN. The cart falls of the ledge and hits 5 in the head. And he dies/cries. Gabby – Woah, you guys just committed a cold blooded murder. Jason – No, he is just lying down taking a nap, and crying… red tears. Noah – How can you even see that from over there? Gabby – I could hear his head crack. Fun Fact: Coke helps with hearing. Noah – Up until you die from having too much. Jason – Umm… you do realize the angry guards are running up the stairs? Noah – Shit! Jason – I might be able to deal with them, just need some certa weapon. Noah – Yeah, I don’t think the cheese and crackers are going to work with this many guards. I need to put some heavy stuff on that cart so that it pulls the toilet out of its spot. Jason – Okay cool, just hand me a fucking weapon. Noah hands Jason the screw driver. Jason – This will have to do, time to make some angry prison guard ass holes cry. The guards start running towards him. Jason – OH, FUCK! I DIDN’T THINK THIS THROUGH! The first guard jumps Jason knocking him to the ground. He is about to electrocute Jason with the taser beater stick, but Jason stabs him in the neck with the screw driver. I’ll be taking that. Noah, catch! Jason throws the screw driver back to Noah and he catches it. Oh, now you asses are gonna get FUCKED up. The 3 guards run up to Jason at the same time and start attacking him. Come on guys? Haven’t you ever watched these fights on movies your supposed to fight me one at a time. Angry guard 2 – YOU KILLED MAX! Angry guard 3 – FUCK YOUR STUPID RULES BITCH! Angry guard 4 – YOUR GOING TO PAY FOR THAT MOTHERFUCKA! They continue to attack him but he blocks, dodges, and reflects there laser beater stick attacks with his laser beater stick. Okay ass whole, looks like your the last one. Gabby crouches over. He starts to run over, but Gabby bites his leg. Noah – WATCH OUT! Jason turns around and sees the toilet flying towards him and ducks. The toilet flys past him and hits the last angry guard. It knocks the angry guard of the ledge and he falls to his crying. Jason looks over the ledge. Jason – I don’t think he’ll be beating any prisoners ever again. Noah walks up. Noah – Doesn’t look like he will be doing anything. Like ever. The hole is open. Jason turns around and sees the entrance of the sewer is open. Jason – This is gonna be nasty. Gabby – I can’t wait to get some quality meth once we get out! Jason and Noah walk in front of the hole. Jason – So um, whos going first? Noah and Gabby look and Jason with huge grins. You guys are ass holes. Jason jumps into the hole followed by a big splash. THIS IS FUCKING DISGUSTING! Noah jumps into the hole followed by Gabby. Noah – so, according to the map the we need to take a right, then we walk straight. We pass 2 intersections, then make another right, as soon as we can turn again we make another turn to the left. Somewhere along that wall there should be a thing. Jason – A thing? Noah – Well, I’m not sure how we will get into the room from there. It’s a secret room so we might have a hard time getting in. *Cuts to them at the entrance of secret room* Jason – So… its just a door that opens up. Gabby – and there is a ladder leading up inside. Jason – And the door is wide open… Jason and Gabby look at Noah. Noah – Well, looks like they weren’t so worried about keeping it a secret. Jason – Wow. That’s the under statement of a lifetime. Jason – Its your turn to go first. Jason pushes Noah into the room. Noah – Fine. Ok. Noah climbs up the ladder. Then Jason and Gabby climb up. Jason – Wow! Its nice and dar – Noah slaps Jason. WHATDA FUCK MAN?!? Noah – QUIET! THERE IS SOMEONE IN THAT CHAIR! Gabby – Why are you guys yelling? Jason – I don’t know what your talking about. Do you Noah? Noah – No clue. Jason – You guys stay here I got this. Jason grabs a knife that is just sitting in the wall and approaches the person in the chair in front of all the big monitors. Ok, asshole… Time to get stabbed. Wait, this person looks familiar. Jason turns walks up right behind him. He puts the knife right above his neck. OK GUYS I GOT THE BITCH! YOU CAN COME OVER NOW! Noah and Gabby run over. Noah – Fucking hell. Jason – AH SHIT! ITS BILL ISN’T IT? Noah - *Sigh* No. He takes the knife from Jason and throws it at the wall behind him. He spins the chair around so Jason can see his face. Jason – TRISTAN?!? Tristan mutters – Oh… Cosby Ko’s… oh, how I love you; AlL the joy you give me. I love you, my precious Kos. Jason – I didn’t realize Tristan knew poetry. Noah – I don’t think that was poetry. Should we wake him up? Jason – Yeah. He pushes the chair down and Tristan hits the cold ass fuck ground. Tristan wakes up screaming: Tristan – I’VE BEEN FUCKING KO’D. I’M IN FUCKING HELL. ITS FINALLY GOTTEN TOO ME. SATAN HAS CAUGHT ME. Tristan opens his eyes. Oh. When did you guys gotten here? Jason – A couple minutes ago. Noah – When did you get here? Tristan – Some day. On a week. I think it was after Sunday, but it was on the same week as that Sunday. Noah – Right… He must have gotten here recently. Otherwise, it would have faded away by now. The effects that is. You can’t really fix natural stupidity. Jason helps Tristan up. All the monitors switch on and they all combine to make one image. Mysterious Douchebag – Alahaahaha! Nice to finally meat you guys, my friends have told me all about you? Noah – You know Bill? Mysterious Douchebag – Whatda fuck is that? I don’t eat out. Jason – That might literally be the worst joke ever. Noah – Yeah, and you suck at lying. Gabby – He also has coffe stains on his shirt. Fucking gross. Noah – Your obviously talking about either Bill or Hitler, both of which are under the same evil umbrella. Making whichever one you know basically guarantee you know the other one. Mysterious Douchebag – SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOUR RUINING MY MOMENT. He starts to cry. Why do you virgins have to make it so hard to be evil? Gabby – I’m not a virgin. I actually lost my virginity to a cow that one night I was high on Meth. Jason – Does that still count as losing your virginity if its too an animal. Noah – I don’t know… Mysterious Douchebag – ENOUGH! Your little friend there, you see, has been drugged with some extremely strong Billy KO. 10 times stronger than Cosby KO. He will die within an hour. Unless you Jason, take that gun of that table over there and shoot yourself in the heart. Ahahaha. Noah – Or can just use this. Noah takes a needle out of his pocket. Mysterious Douchebag – YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT! Noah – Well thankyou. Incase you didn’t know this is an ejection needle. Noah stabs Tristan with it. Tristan – SanDwiCh!?! Jason – Hello to you. Tristan – Oh, finally. That shit hurt. Mysterious Douchebag – ASS HOLE! I’M SENDING BACKUP TO FUCKING MURDER YOUR ASS!!! Noah – I’m pretty sure they won’t make it in time. You literally just tried to get us to turn are selves in. Just so we could save his life. He points to Tristan. Mysterious Douchebag – ahahaha. You little shits have no clue whats coming. Tristan – I do. He points to the plans drawer under the monitors. Mysterious Douchebag – WHO THE FUCK MADE A PLAN DRAWER!?! *Ahem* I mean you guys are so stupid, do you really think we would leave are plans in there? Jason – Well, considering your boss is Bill. Yes. Noah – Yeah. Tristan – Yesery. Mysterious Douchebag – I fucking hate you guys. He starts to cry. I HOPE YOU ALL FUCKING DIE. The monitors turn off as he continues to mumble and cry. For a short 15 seconds after the monitor turns off they can still hear his mumbles and crying. Gabby – Damn. They got some nice shit. She smokes the pot that has some type of evil corporation looking symbol. Jason – DETECTIVE TIME! Jason snatches the bong from Gabby. Jason – Hmmmm…. Noah – What? Jason – Ahhhhhhhh. Tristan – IS IT WRIPPING YOUR BRAIN OUT?!? Jason – mmmm…. Just then Noah and Tristan notice Jason is smoking the bong. Noah – Fucking ass. Give me that. Noah snatches the bong from Jason. Noah gasps. Jason – Yeah, pretty good right. Noah – I’m not smoking the shit dumb ass. It says this is property of GAP. Tristan – You might wanna see the plans thing. Noah walks over. Noah – Holly shit. These are some really evil plans. It involves sumining the fucking devil. Hold on a fucking second, Jason you might want to see this. Jason – Your being over fucking dramatic. Nothing can be worse than fucking resurrecting Hitler or Sumening Saitan. Jason looks at the paper and his pupils grow 3x larger. NOOOOOOOOOOOO. THESE BITCHES REALLY FUCKING ARE PURE EVIL. Tristan takes the plans and read them aloud: Freckle Elimination. We must destroy all freckles. They are a power source. Jason starts rolling on the floor and cries. Jason – I’M GONNA FUCKING MURDER THEM ALL! He starts kicking and slamming stuff. Jason punches the wall and bruises his hand badly. Owwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!! My fucking hand hurts. Tristan – And my fucking brain hurts. Noah – We need to get out of here. And we need to take these files with us. Tristan – I mean, this might not be very useful but I found a weird room full of lawnmowers. Tristan pulls a book down on a book shelve and it opens a secret room full of lawnmowers (A.K.A. Guns) Jason – FUCK YEAH! THINK OF ALL THE SHIT I CAN DESTROY WITH THESE! Noah – Or we can use that rocket launcher to blow a hole in the building and escape. Jason – Fine. But I’m gonna take all these fucking guns with me. Noah – How the hell are you going to take this many guns with you. Jason takes out a dusty black case. He opens it to reveal a GTA 5 disk. I have been saving this bitch for a long fucking time. You guys want some? Noah – No. I think I’m good. Tristan – Looks tasty, I’ll have some. They both stare at Noah. Noah – Fine. Jason – Its sandwich flavored. Noah – Of course it is. Gabby – Why don’t I get any? Jason – AH SHIT! I FORGOT YOU WERE HERE! You want a piece? Gabby – Fuck Nah. I got all I need right here, she says as she smokes the pot. Jason splits it in 3 even pieces and eats one. He hands one to Tristan and one to Noah. Jason – So you know just grabs the guns you want and they will teleport into your pocket, whichever gun you want, just put that hand in your pocket and think about it. It will teleport into your hand. Tristan – Ah, but you see I already got the only gun I’m gonna ever need right here in my pocket. Noah – That is fucking disgusting. Jason – You disserve to die for that disgusting joke. Tristan – But I’m not joking. Gabby – Your gross. They grab all the guns. Noah – You guys ready? Tristan – No. Jason – Not really. Noah shoots the wall with the rocket launcher. Noah – TOO BAD! LETS GO! Tristan – Wow. What an ass. That was so mean. Jason – Its fucking middle school all over again. Tristan – I’m confused. How is it like middle school. Jason – 1. Noah is an ass just like in middle school. And 2. Jason starts to sniff around. I smell… Freckles! Noah – FUCKING COME ON DUMB ASSES! *Sirens go off* Jason – FUCK! THEY KNOW WE ESCAPED! Noah – OF COURSE THEY FUCKING KNOW, IT’S A PRISON! YOU THINK THEY WOULDN’T HAVE NOTICED A HUGE EXPLOSION?!? Jason – I don’t know. I ‘m just craving a sandwich. (The whole fight turns into a Grand Theft Auto styled gun fight with military trucks and shit. It would look so cool on screen. But because, I’m not the fucking guy that wrote the Adventures of Huckleberry Fin, this fight is way beyond my ability of writing or well I guess typing. Shut the fuck up you sarcastic ass hole, we both know you were about to correct me. So, we shall skip this.) Noah – RUN TO THE FUCKING PRISON BUS! SOME PRISONERS ARE GETTING AWAY. Jason – Wait, but that’s the police’s job. Noah – WE NEED THAT FUCKING BUS TO GET OUT OF HERE YOU FUCKING STUPID RETARDS!!! Tristan jumps onto the back ledge of the bus. Cuz this prison bus has a back ledge on it. FUCK OFF. Tristan then helps Jason up. Jason takes out a crowbar and bashes it onto the buses back window and climbs through. Tristan does the same. Prisoner – Hehehehe. Other prisoner – Ahahaaah. Another prisoner – STOP MAKING THOSE WEIRD ASS NOICES AND FUCKING ATTACK THEM ALREADY! The prisoners run towards Jason and Noah but trip over some seat belts that are hanging of their seats. Their faces hit the ground and they start to cry. Tristan – Nice. Jason – Very. We didn’t even have to fight anyone this time. Another prisoner – Oh really? Jason and Tristan realize there is still Another prisoner. TIME FOR YOU MOTHERFUCKAS TO FUCKING DIE. He starts running towards them flaring his arms around in the air. Jason and Tristan pull to opposite sides of the bus and the prisoner runs right past them at full speed, crashing into the buses back wall. Tristan grabs him in a choke hold and knocks him out. Now time to get the bus driver. They walk over and see… Gabby? Jason – Whatda fuck? Gabby – Sorry, they threatened to take my meth and I just couldn’t let that happen. She pulls the bus over. Noah walks into the bus. Jason – So, where are we going? Well, I guess the proper thing to do is report to S.A.P. HQ. Guard – NOT SO FUCKING FAST! A guard stand outside the bus with a gun pointed at the back of Noah’s head. DON’T TURN AROUND YOU FILTHY SHIT. Jason – Hey its you! Tristan – Its that asshole guard that had you knocked out on are way to the prison. Noah – Ass hole. Guard – SHOW YOUR FACE DRIVER! Gabby gets up and looks at the guard. Gabby – SHIT. Guard – So you thought you could finally escape me child. Guess I’m gonna have to kill all of you. Ahahahahaha – He gets interrupted by Tristan biting his arm. WHATDA FUCK?!? Tristan gets back in the van and they drive off. Jason – I think maybe we should have killed that guy. Noah – No, we’ve already caused enough trouble as is. Are boss will probably be mad enough as is, considering we just released a whole prison of prisoners. Tristan – I eat prisoners for breakfast. Jason – I eat them as a snack. Tristan – Prisoners are like fucking crumbs to me bitch. Jason – Eating a ant is more appetizing then eating one of those prisoners for me. Noah – You guys are fucking dis- Jason – I could eat more prisoners in 5 seconds than you could in a day. Just ask your mom, she was very tasty. Tristan – Well I – Jason – I FUCKING WIN! YOU LOSE! SUCK! A! FUCKING! DICK! Tristan – Alright. Fine. You win child. Noah – Your fucking stupid. (The Virgins continue arguing as they drive towards S.A.P. HQ) Noah walks off the bus and soon as he steps off the Guard from earlier jumps out and grabs him. Guard – I GOT YOUR FRIEND NOW ASS HOLES!!! (I probably should mention they are standing right on the edge of a cliff. Gabby, get your ass down here. Time to kill all 4 of you Max Payne Style. Tristan – And what exactly does that mean? Guard – AAHAHAHAHAHAH. Jason – I think he is going to put us all in a row and try to shoot us with one bullet. Noah – He does know its probably not going to make It through 4 head? It is a fucking pistol. The guard grabs Gabby. Guard – Your first in line. Gabby – Nah. I’m good. She grabs him by the arm and pushes him and jumps off the cliff. (Just this once I will allow this so called “Death.” They stumble down the mountain to their fucking DEATH. They all walk over. Jason – Damn. Didn’t see that coming. Tristan – I kinda one Broken Bones now. Jason – Ah. I love some Roblox Broken Bones. Its by the same guy as City Tycoon. Noah – That was extremely unnecessary. Jason – Huh? Noah – The fucking gun was empty. Noah pulls out the empty clip and shows it to Jason and Tristan. The 3 of them start to laugh for like 3 minutes straight. (Yeah, I really wanna drag this shit out.) Noah – Ok, lets head in. They walk in to find the whole place destroyed. Jason – Fucking hell. Tristan – Someone was here. Noah – Yea, no kidding. This must be why we didn’t get a search team sent to us. Jason – Or maybe its because we suck at are job. Tristan – Yea, remember Monaco? Noah – Will you guys please stop mentioning fucking Monaco. Seriously, that is a horrible memory. Plus, we have to figure out what the hell happened here. Jason – I know what happened here, it was G.A.P. Noah – And what exactly would make you think that? Tristan – Well, I think that might possibly be an explanation. Tristan points to a cafetee drawing on the wall that says “GAP was here BITCHES!” Noah – Oh. Well, I guess that explains it then. Tristan – Yeah, I’d say so. Jason – I know the perfect place to think this all over. Cuts to the 3 of them at their Sandwich bar. Noah – You know, I’m surprised they didn’t attack this place to. It has already been under attack like 3 times already. Jason – Oh, I installed machine guns outside if it detects anyone nearby with a gun that isn’t one of us it will completely murder them. Tristan – Watch your profanity. Jason – I didn’t even say a bad word. Tristan – Murder. You said. You said murder. Murder is bad. Murder is a bad word. Cuz its bad. Jason – Alright. I won’t say murder ever again. Tristan – You just fucking did. You piece of fucking shit. Jason – Starting now. Tristan – Well, you should have fucking said that. Someone sits down at the table with a fedora covering his face. Fedora Man – Someone call me? Jason – Fucking take off the stupid ass fedora. You don’t need to cover your face. Like, damn. BIG – Fine. What’s up bitches? Jason – The sky. Tristan – No. The ground. Noah – Shut the fuck up, seriously. Jason, why did you call him? Jason – Well, I figured you should know S.A.P. has been destroyed. Like completely destroyed. Like, I think the boss is dead to. BIG – What the fuck?!? Is this some kind of joke? It isn’t April fools yet, so I don’t know what you guys are playing but this shit isn’t funny. Jason – This isn’t a joke. BIG – Well, If It wasn’t for the fact that you probably never used those 4 words in your life I would think you were lying. So, assuming this isn’t just some big joke I was just there yesterday so it would have happened really recently. Noah – Shit. That means they anticipated are next move. Jason and Tristan – An – tis – im – patid? Noah – Fucking retards. They knew where we were going. Tristan – Well, we did kill one of their people so I guess that should have been pretty logical, especially with that tracker he had in his neck. Noah – Wait what? *Flashes back to earlier, Beeping and glowing thingy in the guard neck as he falls to his death. Tristan gasps* Noah – Why did you not fucking tell us this shit earlier? Tristan – Just like gay porn, I don’t see how it is relevant. Jason – HA, good one! Jason gives Tristan a high five. Noah – Seriously, can you two take something seriously for just a few minutes? Tristan – Sure. Ok. Although you should probably know Noah, that new neck style doesn’t look very pretty on you. Noah feels the back of his neck. Noah – WHATDA FUCK?!? Jason – Alright Noah this is gonna hurt. Tristan – Oh, I have the perfect thing for this occasion. He takes a bondage apple out of his pocket and puts it into Noah’s mouth. Jason – Very nice. Noah – HSWTDBWGYDIWGDVIAVGDWIAVAWGDVWIAVGADIGAVWIDYVWAGDIYWGADAIWWVGAVGIDGGV?!!?!??!??!?!??!?!!?!?!??!?!? Tristan – I couldn’t say it better myself. Jason – I totally agree. BIG – This is oddly entertaining. Jason takes a pencil out of his pocket and pushes it deep into Noah’s neck. He wiggles it around pushes it under the tracker in Noah’s neck. Jason – SHIT! BIG – What did you do? Jason – Forgot to feed the cat. BIG – I didn’t know you were married? Jason – Huh? Tristan – I hope that was just a really bad joke. I’m pretty sure he means an actual cat. Jason – No, your both wrong actually. I bought the Sims 69 Cats and Dogs pack. BIG – Well. Was the 50 bucks worth having those damn cats and dogs? Jason – No. I would have paid 70 bucks just to get that fucking shit without the dogs. Disgusting shits. I’ll stick to feeding my striped cat every day, twice a day, at 4:20 and “4:20.” BIG – Well damn, someone obviously hates dogs. Tristan – I wonder where you get that idea from. He points to Jason’s shirt which says “I hate dogs” with a heart with a x on it. Jason – Fuck the pencil. Jason throws it behind him and uses his fingers to rip out the tracker. He pulls it out and hands it to BIG. BIG – EW! What the fuck man?!? I don’t want to touch that shit! Jason – Well put it on the fucking table then. Tristan takes the apple out of Noah’s mouth. Noah – Great job ass holes. Now what am I going to do with the big ass hole in my neck. Jason – Are you worried about not getting laid? Because if that’s the case I can guarantee you it wouldn’t happen anyway. Tristan – actaually i think it will help him get laid, some girls seem to like sticking their tongs in holes.  Noah – (Scoffs) Oh yeah, and you think you would get laid? Jason – Better chance then you. BIG –WILL YOU TWO STOP ARGUING?!? Jason – We weren’t arguing, we were just joking. Noah – Yeah. Tristan – Its called gay time play time. Minus the its, called, gay, first time, and the p in play. Noah – That would just make – *Jason puts his hand over Noah’s mouth* Jason – Shhhhhhhh. Just leave it to the audience. BIG – As enjoyable as your stupid arguments are, shouldn’t we be worried about the fact that the whole base was destroyed? Noah – Yeah, your right. BIG -Anyway we could track them down? Noah – We looked around the whole place, there wasn’t really any evidence of what they could be planning next. Tristan – You think they would be dumb enough to use the Trump Tower base again? Noah – No. There is no way they are that dumb. Jason – Are you sure? Noah – YES. No one is that dumb? Not even you two. BIG – Maybe we should look, just in case Triston is right. Noah – Fine. Jason – Alright everyone get in the white van. (Cuts to them pulling up in front of Trump Tower. Noah – Alright, we have to go in calmly and discreetly. Jason and Tristan anime run into the building. Noah – WHATDA FUCK! IDIOTS! Noah runs in behind them. BIG – Ima just sit out here and have myself a smoke! Jason is questioning the lady at the counter. Jason – ALRIGHT LADY! I’V HAD A FUCKING LONG ASS DAY! AND I DON’T FEEL LIKE DEALING WITH YOUR SHIT! SO, TELL ME WHERE THE FUCKING SECRET BASE IS! Meanwhile Tristan is arguing with a guy that is carrying boxes. Tristan – WHATDA FUCK ARE YOU HIDING IN THAT BOX?!? A EVIL DILDO? A EVIL LAIR KEY? Guy with boxes – Sir, I’m going to need you to calm down. We do not carry “Toys” of that category in fact we do not carry any toys here. We are a hotel. As you may have noticed on the entrance “Trump Tower” if you want some “Toys” though, there is a the spicy store a few blocks down. (Switches back to Jason.) Lady – Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Unless you would like to purchase one of are luxury penthouses of course, of which are of the highest quality and have a beautiful view of the city. Jason – DAMN. YOU EVIL DOUCHES ARE WELL TRAINED! MAYBE A PUNCH WILL HELP! Lady – You wouldn’t let a lady. Jason – EQUAL RIGHTS! Noah – BOTH OF YOU FUCKING STOP! Jason and Tristan shut up and look at Noah. Noah – The base isn’t here. These people are just trying to do their job, come on. Let’s leave. As they walk out the door the guy with the boxes and the lady at the counter pull out some big ass looking guns and start to shoot Mayonaiss at them. Tristan and Noah make it out the door, but Jason gets shot in the leg with the Mayonaise. Jason – FUCKING GROSS! GET THIS MAYONAIS OF ME!!! Both the Mayonais guns clog up giving Tristan and Noah a chance to help Jason. Tristan – Whatda fuck are we supposed to do? He has the fucking Mayonais on him. Do you know how much this shit sticks? Jason – I surely know how much this shit sticks, because ITS STUCK TO MY FUCKING LEG!!! Noah – I’m going to have to eat it. Tristan – WHAT?!? Jason – WHATDA FUCK?!? DON’T EAT THIS SHIT! Tristan – Yeah, its probably made out of Bill’s fucking cum. Jason – well I mean, I don’t think he has any. Tristan – He doesn’t I would know, because of that time he tried to show me his fucking dick in the men’s stall back in High School. Jason – Damn, he is so fucking G – OUCH! WHATDA FUCK! Noah precedes to eat the Mayo off of the floor and Jason’s leg. Tristan – Fucking Christ, that is fucking disgusting. Noah – *gag* If I don’t make it out of this *gag gag* alive (Noah throws up and then precedes to eat the Mayo and then stops again.) make sure you delete *gag* my browser history. Jason – Sure, right after we look at it. Tristan – I wouldn’t do that, probably not the best idea. Tristan gives Jason a stare and then whispers: “He has gay porn.” Noah finishes up eating the Mayo and stands up. Noah – alright lets go before they fix their guns. Jason – Wait, no. There distracted. Lady – FUCKING SUCK MY GUN CLEAN YOU DIRTY LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT! Guy – NO! IT WAS MY IDEA! SUCK MY GUN CLEAN FIRST! They start beating each other with their guns and by throwing themselves at each other. They run past the two idiots that are fighting each other and into the elevator. BIG runs in and throws his still lit cigar at the two idiots as he runs into the elevator past them. Lady – OW! Guy – WHATDA FUCK ARE YOU WHINING ABOUT!?! I DIDN’T EVEN HIT YOU THAT HARD! They both turn around and see them all in the elevator. Noah – RETARDS! PRESS A FUCKING BUTTON! Jason – Ah. This one looks promising. Jason presses the top button labeled “My Evil Lair, MWAHAHAHA.” Tristan – I’m surprised no one mentioned this on the yelp reviews. Jason – Probably because every person that stays at this place is celebrity, a brainwashed maniac, or both. I mean they kinda go hand to hand. Noah – Your being slightly over dramatic. And by slightly over dramatic I mean you are completely wrong. Haven’t you ever heard of Keanu Reeves? Jason – Alright, that is very true. Keanu Reeves is awesome, especially in the Matrix. Tristan – Eh, never watched the Matrix. Love some John Wick though. (Switches to the lady and guy standing in front of the elevator) Lady – The boss is gonna kill us. Guy – Yeah… Lady – I call not calling him. Guy – Fucking bitch. I’m not calling him. Lady – Hmmm…. Fine. She takes out her phone and calls the boss. So uh boss, we have some imposters heading up to the penthouse. Mysterious boss – Which penthouse? Lady – Your penthouse. (The guy coughs) Boss – ARE YOU FUCKING LAUGHING AT ME?!? Lady – No no, I swear that wasn’t me. That was Jerry. Jerry (or guy) – Sydney, Whatda fuck? Boss – Well very well, Jerry I have appreciated your service but it is now time for you to go. Jerry – Wait I’m free to go. Sydney is just standing confused. Boss – Yes, you are retired. Jerry – YES! FINALLY! Boss – From life. You are retired from life. Jerry – Huh? *Click* Jerry’s head explodes and graffiti goes everywhere. Sydney – Huh, so that’s what those implants are for. Boss – Yes, and I made yours blue. Sydney – ah, thanks. Boss – Your welcome. Now which penthouse. I have like 15 penthouses. Sydney to self – Wait…. But how can 15 of them be penthouses? They have to be on the top… Boss – Sydney! Sydney – Oh sorry. The one you actually own. Boss – I own like all of them, be more specific. What, you think people actually buy these things? Sydney – Well yeah? Boss – No! I suck at this shit. I just use them as tax write offs. Sydney – Is that even how it works? Boss – Sydney are you questioning me? Sydney – WHAT, NO SIR! Boss – WHICH FLOOR ARE THEY GOING TO?!? Sydney – Your evil lair Mr. Dump. Boss – FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCKITY! FUCKERS! Sydney – Boss, what’s wrong? *Beeeeeeep* Oh, he hung up. Switches to the mysterious boss opening his weapon safe and grabbing his machine gun. (The boss wouldn’t be visible because this part would be happening in third person view) BIG – Eh, Keanu Reeves is alright. Much better than fucking Emma Stone. Jason WHATDA FUCK DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?!? HOW DA FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO COMPARE FUCKING KEANU REEVES TO FUCKING EMMA STONE?!? THEY AREN’T EVEN THE SAME TYPE OF ACTOS!!! BIG – Eh. Actors are actors. They are all the same. Jason – EMMA STONE IS THE FUCKING BEST! I’M GOING TO FUCKING MURDER YOU. Jason starts to attack BIG as the elevator stops moving. The elevator opens and they hear a loud machine start to sound up. Jason – Does anyone hear that? Noah – I smell… fire? Tristan – Mmm… love the smell of a machine gun starting up. BIG – FUCKING IDIOTS GET TO COVER. BIG pushes Tristan towards the left side of the elevator and runs out of the elevator to cover behind a counter in front of the elevator on the right. Jason takes cover behind the counter on the left side. Noah stays in the elevator on the left side and Tristan on the right side. Boss – YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHITS BETTER GET OUT OF MY OFFICE BEFORE I MURDER YOUR ASSES! Jason – WHATDA FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?!? Noah – Would you happen to have any of your GTA disks? Jason – Whatda fuck do you think I am? A money tree? Those fucking things are fucking 30 bucks a pop, plus the magic part. I don’t fucking ha – The glass breaks and the gun stops causing them all to go quite. They all get out of cover and see a helicopter flying away. Jason – FUCKING ASS. They all get back into the elevator and run to the van. Jason hops into the driver’s seat. Noah – Hell no, like I’m gonna let you fucking drive. BIG – GET IN THE FUCKING VAN! Noah – Fucking fine. Damn. Noah gets in the back of the van with BIG and Tristan gets in the passengers seat. Jason follows the helicopter. Tristan – So what da fuck are we even going to do when this helicopter stops? Noah – Obviously catch whoever this is. He either works with or for Bill. He also obviously has a lot of resources of which would make it really easy for him and therefore Bill to continue their evil crimes. Jason – OH SHIT! Noah – WHAT HAPPENED?!? Jason – I see Burger King. Tristan – Oh, yum. Noah – I swear, you better not pull into fucking burger king. Jason – What would ever give you that idea. Of course I’m not. Noah – Good. Tristan – Actually I’m kinda hungry, can we go through the drive-through? Jason – Oh, well now we need to go through the Burger King drive-through. Jason pulls the van into the burger king drive-through. Noah – I FUCKING SWEAR, WE ARE GONNA LOSE THAT ASS HOLE BECAUSE YOU IDIOTS DECIDED TO STOP FOR A QUICK MEAL! I WILL MURDER BOTH OF YOU IF WE LOSE THIS BITCH! BIG covers Noah’s mouth. BIG – Shut the fuck up, I’m hungry. Noah – dnebewbewyjdbwejwe.

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Is when the 3 virgins forget to lock the safe and turn on the lasers.

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There isn't one yet, but there will be, because it's are Cliche.

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Freckles. Sandwiches. Grand Theft Auto. Those three things basically rule the world. Your walking on the streets and look to your left there is a girl. Everything is normal until you realize SHE HAS FRECKLES!!! That is when you start to freak out in your head, to the point where you just drive your friends crazy and make them want to kick you right in the ass all the way to the fucking moon. Sandwiches, 99% of are human population would be dead without them. They taste so good. Ham and cheese, peanut butter and jelly, tuna. Then there is also the other things that are technically sandwiches but aren’t sandwiches. Burger, Taco, Hoagie, Cheesesteak, Hot dog, and any other shit with bread on both sides of it that come to your head. MMM… BLT’s are tight. Not to mention all the dogs that eat their owners’ sandwiches when they aren’t looking, and all the birds that come swooping in stealing your sandwich right as your about to take a big ass bite out of that TASTY PIECE OF FOOD. Then there is Grand Theft Auto. That game is just plain awesome. What’s better then playing some SHITTY ASS VOCABULARY MATCH UP SHIT? GRAND THEFT AUTO!!!! You can kill cops in such creative ways. No, I have not been arrested in any sort of way. You could blow them up, simply shoot them in the head, drive into them at full speed, use a Flimsy Russian Dildo on them. Well the last one might be a lie, but I’m sure they will add that soon enough. Then you can do a whole bunch of grinding, making virtual money! What’s better, making money on a virtual video game or making money in real life. Would you prefer a virtual Lamborghini or a real Lamborghini? A virtual Lamborghini, obviously! WHO THE HELL WOULD WANT TO ACTUALLY BE SUCCESFUL IN LIFE? YOU CAN JUST PLAY GRAND THEFT AUTO ALL DAY EVERYDAY. JUST DO THAT. YEAH. THAT. DO IT. NOW. Even with these 3 things that basically rule the world there is 1 thing that seems to overrule all 3 of these things combined. No, it’s not Bad Dragon. Not Burger King or the Pizza place empire either. Fine. I’ll just tell you. Porn. It’s sad, but people love it. Porn. It’s even more addictive than a drug, cookies, or Freckles. Once you start you can’t stop. But once you stop for a couple days straight you just completely forget about its existence. I forgot it was a thing, before I started ranting about it. That literally just proves my point! There is a reason Rockstar Games is so successful. Luckily though I’m pretty much immune to it, but it’s also pretty sad. Anyway enough with all this daydreaming because my boss is about to yell at me. So… yeah. Boss – JASON! WHATDA HELL ARE YOU DOING? Jason – Checking out the pizza boss, I don’t think it’s greasy enough. Boss – NO! I MEAN WHY ARE YOU EATING A NAPKIN? Apparently, I was too distracted day dreaming to realize I was eating the napkin and was using the pizza too wipe my face. Jason – oh, I heard somewhere that napkins had really low calories, figured I’d give it a try, and see if it was true. Boss – IS IT? Jason – Yes, it is. Very much true. Boss – okay, well recruit training is coming up. Have you found someone you think might be worth checking out? Jason – not quite sure yet. Bob – okay well you need to find someone fast, so hurry the fuck up. Also, will you stop calling me fucking Boss my name is Bob. Don’t know how many times I have to tell you this. Jason – Got it boss. Jason walks out of the S.A.P. HQ in New York. He get’s in the rip off Mystery Machine and drives home. Okay. Okay time to play some Grand Theft Auto. I told you how great Grand Theft Auto is. I wasn’t fucking joking. Jason heads into the kitchen makes himself one of his special sandwiches. He goes into his living room and starts playing some Grand Theft Auto while eating the sandwich. After killing a whole bunch of cops, he decides to try something else. I should download Tinder. I bet they have some girls with freckles. WHY NOT CHECK! Heads to the Appstore on his iPhone 69 and searches up Tinder, hits the download button. In a matter of seconds the download finishes. He makes a profile and takes a picture for his profile icon. Hmm… what do I like most in a girl… Personality? Looks? How much Baggage she has? Freckles? YES! FRECKLES! OF COURSE THEY HAVE THAT AS AN OPTION, WHY WOULDN’T THEY! Jason selects freckles and skips everything else. He looks at all the girls with freckles as he slowly falls asleep. Then he falls asleep, because all those freckles were too much for him to handle. Jason is dreaming / having a nightmare. “SO MUCH FUCKING FRECKLES!!! OH MY GOD, CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIESS! CHIPS AHOY?!? Rejections not going to happen. I can do this. Just open my fucking mouth. TALK!!!!!!!!!!!” FUCKKKK! Oh, it was just a dream. I could use a sandwich. He walks to the kitchen and opens the fridge. Shit, out of pickles. *Ring! Ring! Ring* Oh, maybe it’s a freckled female calling. “Hey boss it’s joe from the sandwich bar. There is a small problem over here. Jason – what? Joe – Well. Some guy was playing pool and lost. Long story short, he’s not happy. He is really mad. It was an honor working for you boss, but there is a gun pointed at my head.  Jason – RAROW. TO THE MYSTERY MACHINE! He hops into the mystery machine and takes a drive. Pulls up to the Sandwich bar, and everything looks normal from the outside. Okay, time to see what’s going on. Jason opens the front door and beloni sandwich flavored beer slams into the wall to his right. Hey you look familiar? Agent 21 – THAT HOAGIE TASTED LIKE FUCKING SHIT AND GAVE ME SLAMTHIS! What the hell is Slamthis? 21 – oh. It's a rare sickness that only 0.000000001% of the world has. I got it from eating that hoagie. Have you tried throwing up? Maybe you can puke it out? 21 – No… Jason – well genius, looks like you screwed yourself. 21 – YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF! He throws a beer bottle right at Jason’s face and it slams right into him. Jason – okay fuckhead now your going to get it! 21 runs out of the building and 3 other guys come out surrounding Jason. One blocking the door, another one a few feet in front of him, and one setting the rainbow cake on the counter. Jason – okay you guys know the deal, this is an action scene in an action movie. So you must, and I say must come and attack me one at a time. That’s how it works. That’s how it always worked. That’s how it always will work. The 3 of them come at him at once. Jason – what was the point of placing the fucking rainbow cake then? Jason pushes through them. Grabs the cake and throws it right at random guy 1’s face. Jason trips random guy 2. Then kicks random guy 3 in the crotch. Jason jolts to the gun safe to get the mustar - Fyers, only to realize they aren’t in there and the safe is opened. Jason turns around to see 2 guys with the muster – Fyers. One on his left and one on his right. He jumps onto one and pushes him down right as he shoots him in the face. Jason pushes the guy in front of him right as the other guy pulls the trigger. Jason picks up the muster – Fyer and runs towards the other guy using that guy as a shield. He kicks the one guy into the wall and shoots him. He is now stuck to the wall. Then throws the other guy he was using as a shield at the wall. He is also stuck. Jason walks back into the main room to see the 3 random guys from earlier eating the Rainbow cake off the ground. Random Guy One – so good!!! Random Guy Two – I love Rainbows! Random Guy Three – I wish Bill was here. Jason – Hey, you guys enjoying you cake? All 3 look up. Fuck he is still alive? Well let’s finish him off. I can’t wait to use his body as a plate for my Rainbow cake! Jason shoots the first one with the gun then kicks him into the wall. The second one pulls him to the ground, and the third one get’s out a Pride Month Knife and is about to stab Jason with it. Jason pulls the second one that pulled him to the ground on top of him and the Third one stabs the second one by accident right in the head. Random guy 3 – OH MY GOD STAN, I’M SO FUCKING SORRY! He falls to the ground crying. Jason runs out of the building and looks around. Of course Agent 21 got away, because that was like a 15-minute fight. I should pick up some pickles. Jason heads to the supermarket “Sandwich Supply’s Co. and picks up some pickles. He then looks at his phone to see that he got a couple of freckle swipes. Jason – HOLY SHIT! FRECKLES! OH MY FUCKING GOD! He starts breathing heavily. All the other people in the store gives him weird looks. Jason – What the fuck are all of you looking at? I got the swipes. Did you get the freckle swipes? No. You didn’t. I win. You lose. Fuck. Off. He opens Tinder and sees all the freckle swipes he got. He messages the first one Frecklana Sauna saying “FRRRRRECKLESSSSSS ARE SO FUCKING HOT, DO YOU WANT TO MEET? He messages the second one Nichele Freckly using a pickup line he found online “The FBI are looking for my dick, can I hide it inside you?” Then he sees the Third one Freckled Beauty and has dramatic pause. She has freckles and black hair? She reminds me of… you know… the female. She must not be named. Full face of freckles… what should I say to her? “Hi. You have pretty freckles.” Well that’s that, guess I’ll go home and make my sandwich now. He heads home and is sitting on the couch eating a sandwich and watching tv. News – BREAKING NEWS THE “MADE TO BE ROBBED” BANK HAS BEEN ROBBED! ACCORDING TO ALL WITNESSES IS THERE WAS ONLY 1 GUY! THERE IS CURRENTLY LITTLE TO NO EVIDENCE ON WHO COULD HAVE DONE IT. POLICE ARE CURRENTLY INVESTIGATING THE CRIME SCENE. MADE TO BE ROBBED BANK IS THE SECOND BIGGEST BANK IN THE WORLD. THE BIGGEST IS LOCATED IN L.A. CALIFORNIA.” Jason checks his phone to see if he got any reply from the freckled females. Frecklana Sauna – I’m sorry, I must have swiped the wrong way. Nichele Freckly – Laughing emoji and a simple lol. That could and probably is an early rejection. He has not gotten a reply from Freckled Beauty. I might as well reply to the other two just for the hell of it. Jason to Frecklana Sauna – I’d be willing to give you a blowjob. WAIT! NO! I MENT I’LL BE WILLING TO TAKE THE BLOWJOB AND I’LL BE GIVING THE NECESSARY TOOL YOU NEED TOO DO IT. PS. The necessary tool is my Dick. He get’s a block a couple second later and messages the next one. Jason to Nichele Freckly – So, yes? Nichele Freckly – No. He get’s blocked. NAZIS CAUTION: Message from the real-life Jason Mansell: I don’t have tinder so stay with me here. I have never used it either. So if you have used tinder and blocking isn’t actually a thing and you are correcting me right now. You can just shut the fuck up and get a life. That might sound rude, but I don’t give a shit. Sorry. Bob is calling. Jason – Hello. Bob – just calling to tell you, there is only a week left until we start the training for new recruits. So you might want to find someone. Jason – I think I might have found someone. Bob – oh, really? Who? Jason – Well I don’t actually know the person’s name yet, or even their gender. Have you been watching the news? Bob – I’m head of a secret organization of spies. Anything that is on the news I would have known about before it was even on the news. Jason – I think the person who robbed the bank might be worth looking into. You know where I might be able to find them? Bob – I’ll have one of my hackers look into it, have them hack into the streets traffic cameras. Might be able to identify his license plate and find him through there. Would have to do it from inside the police station though. Jason – Don’t worry about that. Just send someone to help me with the hacking part. Bob – when? Jason – Tomorrow 7 PM. Bob – How about Tristan and Noah? Jason – THIS IS MY FUCKING SOLO FILM, THEY AREN’T A PART OF THIS! Bob – Got it I’ll send the hacker guy too your house tomorrow, bye. Jason hangs up. He then realizes he HAS A TINDER NOTIFICATION! IT’S FROM FRECKLED BEAUTY! He clicks the notification to open the app. Freckled Beauty – Thankyou (: Jason to Freckled Beauty – would you like to meet, there is this nice place called Virgin Squad’s Sandwich Bar? Freckled Beauty actually reply’s right away this time. Freckled Beauty – Sure! How does 6:00 work? OH SHIT! SHE SAID YES! HOLLY FUCKING SHIT. SHE HAS FRECKLES!!! Jason to Freckled Beauty – Sounds good to me. I need to get some sleep, need a lot of energy for when I meet Freckled Beauty. More dreaming, because this is Shark Boy and Lava Girl now. YOUR GOING TO SCREW IT UP. FRECKLES ARE YOU WEAKNESS. YOUR GOING TO CHICKEN OUT LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO! SO MUCH FUCKING FRECKLES! Jason sleeps through the dreams. FUCK. I have to meet that hacker guy at 7:00. Oh well, I can make this work. Jason gets out of bed and get’s in the shower. He sings Pocketful of Sunshine as he completes his daily tasks. “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine. I got a love, and I know that it's all mine. Oh, oh whoa” He sings while in the shower. He finishes the shower and goes and makes himself some Pancakes, from the batter! As he is making the pancakes “Do what you want, but you're never gonna break me. Sticks and stones are never gonna shake me. No, oh whoa.” He is now finished making the pancakes and is now eating them. “Take me away (take me away) A secret place (a secret place)” He chokes on his food but manages to not die “A sweet escape (a sweet escape)
Take me away (take me away)” He now must brush his teeth. “Drag me to hell, but you’re not gonna rape me. Fuck me in the ass, but it’s not rape if I like it. Oh wait, yes, it is. Wait that’s not part of the song is it. Fuck. Well, you get the point. Only 1:30. This is bullshit. Guess I could play some Grand Theft Auto. Jason is playing Grand Theft Auto 5 on the PC. He has created his own mod called the Flimsy Russian Dildo mod. It also adds Agent 24, Mr. Rainbow, and other Virgin Squad 3 characters. You can roam the streets with the Rainbow Machine/Van. You can use the Muster – Fyer on enemies, although it’s not recommended because it will practically murder your PC. Jason plays it till 5:30. Okay, well guess its time to hit the road. He grabs the keys to his Camaro that the script writer forgot he had, and heads to his garage that the script writer also just added. He grabs the garage remote, hit’s open. Get’s in his car and drives out. Then hits the close button. Jason pulls up to the sandwich bar and waits for a message from Freckled Beauty. He gets a message from Freckled Beauty at 5:56. Saying she has been in the sandwich bar for about 30 minutes now. Jason pauses for a minute then gets out of the car, he walks up too the front door and pauses. OK I got this, it’s just freckles. She is just a female and she has freckles. Female. Freckles. ONLY. That’s it. I got this. He takes one really deep breath and opens the door. Jason looks around and sees Freckled Beauty at the bar stools. Jason starts to freak out in his head. Opposite sex! Alert! Alert! She has freckles. How the fuck am I supposed to do this shit. SHE HAS FUCKING FRECKLES. She turns around and sees Jason and does a little head nod. Saying to come over probably. Message from the real-life Jason Mansell – I wouldn’t know how relationships work, because I’m a lonely piece of shit that can’t seem to talk to girls. BECAUSE IT’S A FUCKING PROCESS. So I’m not sure if this is something a girl would actually do. If its not fuck off and get a life. Sorry. No really, sorry. I mean it. Anyway back to the solo origin story. Jason slightly smiles and walks over, he sits down right next to her. With a little stuttering he says “Hi, how’s it going?” Freckled Beauty – Good. You? Oh my god, she has fucking freckles. Her freckles are so pretty. How is it that someone with such pretty freckles would swipe me? Jason just stairs awkwardly. Freckled Beauty – Umm… hello, are you okay? Your looking at me like I’m Kydere Wilson. Jason – Oh sorry, of course your freckles are pretty. OH WAIT! YOU MENT HOW AM I DOING?!? LOL. MY BAD. I’M DOING GREAT! Freckled Beauty laughs. Freckled Beauty – You would think this is your first date. Jason – Oh, well of course it’s not. Jason takes a big gulp and has a worried face. The same face and awkwardness he had every day in 8th grade in advisory while sitting next to she who must not be named. HOLLY SHIT SHE IS CATCHING ON TO ME. IT IS TRUE WHAT THEY SAY, FEMALES CAN READ MEN’S MIND! IS SHE AN ALIEN? Jason – So, what do you do for a living? Freckled Beauty – Oh I work at the Freckle Sandwich Manufacturing Plant. Short dramatic pause. Freckled Beauty – And you? Whatda fuck should I tell her ”I work for this secret organization called S.A.P. and I am a spy. We have defeated Hitler, Bill, and this guy that loves rainbow cakes. My only weakness is freckles. Freckles!!!” Freckled Beauty – Jason, are you alive? Jason – Oh sorry, guess I forgot to tell you. I own the place. Freckled Beauty – This place? Jason – Yes. Freckled Beauty – well you guys have some very tasty Freckle Sandwiches. Jason – Well, thank you. You do a good job making them at the Freckle Sandwich Manufacturing Plant. Jason – Would you mind if I play some connect the dots with your freckles? Freckled Beauty laughs and is about to reply when someone dramatically walks through the door. Its Agent 21. 21 – Well if my stupid evil minions can’t defeat you then I guess I’ll have to do it on my fucking own! Agent 21 has two Hard London Dildos on his back and a shotgun in his hand. 21 – Time to take you out once and for all ‘Sandwich God” you stand no chance against me without your fellow Virgin Squad members. Jason turns around and takes a long dramatic sip of his Sandian Sand Flavored Beer. Jason – You know, I would really enjoy a friendly greeting for once. Could we possibly do this outside, I literally just had the place cleaned up. 21 – NO! YOU! WILL! DIE! You should have let my minions eat their Rainbow Cake. Now your going to pay for your actions. You will suffer in the hands of G.A.P. Jason – Whatda fuck is G.A.P. 21 – Oh you will find out, but first I have to make sure your really close to dying but not dead enough to the point that you can get back up and fully recover. Freckled Beauty glimpses at Jason. Freckled Beauty – Who the hell is this shithead? She whispers. Jason – He lost a game of pool and is not letting it go. Jason get’s off the stool and throws the Sandian Beer bottle right at Agent 21. 21 blocks it and it falls to the ground. Jason grabs Freckled Beauty and forces her to jump over the counter, he follows. 21 shoots at them and misses shooting the wall right above the counter. Jason gets two Muster – Fyers out of the safe, and hands one to Freckled Beauty. Freckled Beauty – WHY ARE YOU GIVING ME A GUN, I DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE A GUN! Jason – Only use it for protection. Also, its not a gun. It’s a Fyer. Jason shoots 21 in the face, but he jumps to cover. 21 throws the shotgun right at Jason’s face and he falls to the ground. 21 runs over to Jason with one of the Hard London Dildos and is about to jab it through him. Jason does a role to the right while on the ground and the Dildo pounds into the ground. 21 pounded it so hard into the ground, that he can’t remove it. He get’s up and takes out the second one. Jason is about to grab the Muster – Fyer but get stabbed right in the waist with the Hard Dildo. FUCK! THAT FUCKING HURTS! 21 – YES! JUST A COUPLE MORE STABS. HAR! HAR! HAR! 21 is distracted doing his evil laugh, giving Jason enough time to turn around and stab the Dildo into 21 while it is still in himself. It looks weird. But its nothing gay, because NO HOMO. Jason repeatedly pulls out and jabs again in different spots. Until there is basically nothing left of 21. Although there is enough of him left to where he can cry. Doesn’t make sense, never has, Never will. 21 is still alive some how and is slowly moving towards the door. Freckled Beauty get’s out from cover and shoots him. DIE BITCH! I HAVE FRECKLES! The cringer appears. (Credit of the cringer goes to are partner Tristan CO. All rights reserved) Freckled Beauty – Whatda fuck is coming out of this gun? Jason – Mustard, created it myself. What do you think? Freckled Beauty – Very Creative. Jason looks at the clock and sees the time: 7:30! Fuck, I’m late. Jason – Sorry, I have too get going. Call the cops and tell them one of the Virgins was here and said to lock this guy up in the prison with Bill, Hitler, and Mr. Rainbow. FB – One of the Virgins? Wait you’re a Virgin. Long dramatic pause. Jason – No, the name is meant to be ironic. FB – Oh, ok. Jason runs out the door and hops into his Camaro. He drives through red lights nearly crashing into other cars along his way. He pulls up too his house where the hacker guy is setting up In the Rip-Off Mystery Machine. Random Hacker Guy – Hey how’s it going? Nice to see you again. Hop into my van. “Umm…. That’s my van.” Jason – Are you the only person that can hack at S.A.P.? Random Hacker Guy – No there is this old lady that touches everyone’s shoulders and says you can go up. It’s like programmed into her head. Pretty sure you would prefer me over her. “Close call though.” Jason – Okay, so what do you have set up? Over there is cameras to the police station, right here is the cup holder with some Cake Flavored Lattes, and right in front of me is a cake from Rainbow Cake CO. that we will eat to celebrate. Jason – WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE A RAINBOW CAKE? RHG – No, that’s the company. The ingredients are completely different. Jason picks up the box and reads the Ingredients. Steak and Garlic cake, ingredients Include: Steak (Of course) Garlic (What, are you fucking dumb?) Spinage (It is the frosting, and dog piss (We honestly have no clue why this is in here, the creator must love dog piss. GROSS.) Jason – Well it’s certainly not a Rainbow cake. Jason gulps out of disgust. Still wouldn’t eat it though. Jason looks at the time again: 8:00 PM. Jason – Okay I guess it’s time to get going. Jason gets out of the back of the van and closes the back doors. He gets in the driver seat, starts the car, and drives off. They park right in front of the police station. RHG – Okay, so here is a flash drive that you will need to plug into the main computer in the police station. Jason – Okay, so I’m assuming you brought a disguise? RHG – No. That’s not my job, I’m just here for the hacking. I do have this bandana to cover most of your face with though. He hands Jason the bandana, he then pushes Jason out of the van and slams the doors shut. Jason – Could you throw my weapon case out? RHG opens the door, throws the case out, then shuts it again. The weapon case looks like a normal suitcase. Jason walks into the police station, throwing the bandana in a trashcan as he passes by. He walks right pass the metal detector and it goes off. Shit. Forgot about the metal detector. Officer – Sir. Stay where you’re at and put the case on the ground. Fucking cop. Jason puts the case on the ground and puts his hands up. The cop walks over to him and starts patting him down. Jason grabs the gun of the officer’s belt and shoots his leg. The officer falls over and starts crying. Jason jumps to cover because there is a whole bunch of other cops in there. He jumps over the service counter and tells the lady behind the counter to leave the building. Lady behind the counter – Okay, I know the drill. How many fucking times is this going to happen before they upgrade are security, this is like the 5th time this week. It is a Friday. She runs out of the building. I finally get to play some actual Grand Theft Auto! Jason pulls a out a PS4 disk that says Grand Theft Auto 5 on it. He eats the disk. Then pulls a Machine gun out of his pocket. He shoots all the cops in the room with the machine gun really quick. The whole main room is pretty much destroyed. Okay, need to get to that computer before backup get’s here. Jason walks to the door that says, “Room with Computer.”  He opens the door and there is a 5 cops pointing guns at him. He get’s shot in the head and heart, but ducks to cover. He survives because he ate the Grand Theft Auto 5 disk. Jason gets out the Muster – Fyer and free aim shoots into the room with the computer. All the cops are on the wall and ceiling. Jason walks in and puts the flash drive into the computer, it immediately gets on the camera files. Jason looks up the location near the bank and inserts the day the bank was robbed. He skips through a couple hours and finds a white van pulling into the bank garage, because it is a really big bank. He checks the license plate of the car. It’s a custom license plate: RobbingBanksAreFun. The license plate is written in crown. Jason takes the flash drive out of the computer then pushes the computer onto the ground and stomps on it until it is so broken it can’t be broken anymore. He runs out of the building as a whole bunch of police cars pull up. He pulls an RPG out of his pockets and blows up the police cars. He gets in the driver seat of the van and drives off. Jason drives until he is certain there are no cops after him, then he pulls into a Burger King drive threw. (Mmmm…. Product placement) Hell – o dipshit. Welcome to Burger Shot, give me your order. Jason – Hey, I’d like a bloody meal, with a Pokémon Go action figure. Sorry we are all out of Pokémon Go action figures. We could give you a free steak and garlic cake instead. Jason – Instead of the steak and garlic cake, can I get a happy meal. The lady pulls out a gun. WRONG FUCKING RETREAUNT DIPSHIT. Jason – Okay, I’ll just take two bloody meals. Okay dipshit, you must now drive up to the next window, its right ahead. Just push on your gas pedal. The lady hangs half way through the window and points to the gas pedal. Righhhhhhhhhhht therrre……… She falls out the window. Okay, I’m not dealing with this shit. Jason pulls up to the next window. Other Lady – Okay Lowlife, here is your happy meal. Jason – isn’t it a bloody meal? Other Lady – NO ONE GIVES A SHIT, GET OUT OF MY SIGHT AND GO ENJOY YOUR MEAL. Jason parks the car and opens the back doors. Random Hacker Guy – So, according to these files the van is owned by a Rob Big. It was last seen in… California? Jason – Fuck, that’s where the world’s biggest bank is! He is going to make a move soon, we need to start heading to L.A. Jason closes the doors and starts driving to L.A. *A lot of time later* They drive past all the weird shit that’s in L.A. and they finally pull up to a hotel that is across from the world’s biggest bank. Jason parks in front of “Hotel” and walks in. Hello, I would like to rent a room for the next… week? Cashier – Sorry, but we don’t currently have any rooms available. Jason takes out a Muster – Fyer and points it at the guy. Cashier – Nice! Okay fine I’ll give you the best room, as long as you shoot some of that nice tasty mustard into my mouth. Jason – Umm… that wasn’t what I was trying to do, but sure! The cashier opens his mouth and Jason shoots some of the Raw mustard into the guy’s mouth. Cashier – Mmmm… tasty. The cashier walks into a separate room and comes out with the keys to a penthouse. Okay, here you go. Jason – Thx. Jason takes the elevator up then texts the Random Hacker Guy, telling him what room they are. The Random Hacker Guy meets Jason up there and somehow manages to get all his equipment up there. The Random Hacker Guy starts setting things up and drops his ID as he is doing it. Jason goes and picks up the ID. Steven Rainbow Voipe! Jason – Your related to Mr. Rainbow? Why the fuck didn’t you tell me this? Steven – I tried to tell you this, but every time I tried to speak you and your Virgin buddies would just interrupt me with something stupid like sandwiches or how bad rainbow cakes are or some other dirty joke. Jason – Sandwiches aren’t stupid. Rainbow cakes are bad. And are fans like are dirty jokes. Jason turns to look at the audience watching the movie. Mhmmm. I’m talking to you guys. Don’t act like you don’t see me. (I can almost guarantee 99% of the audience is going to look away from whatever screen this is playing on out of pure cringenes. They might even skip this, but I don’t fucking care.) Jason – Okay Steven, I forgive you. Never hide anything like that from me again though. Steven – You’re a fucking ass. Jason – Well, thank you. That means a lot to me. Jason hands Steven the ID. Jason – Might want to keep better track of your ID too. Steven – Okay, so all of the equipment is set up. We just need to wait for him to make his move. How do we know he is going to make his move tonight? Jason – He will, because the script writer/director/screen writer/Jason’s actor/real life Jason/producer got really stuck and didn’t know how to move the movie forward. So this is just convenient for the plot. Isn’t that right Jason? Real life Jason – fuck off. I also voice a talking sandwich. You won’t see that till Virgin Squad 4 though. He/she/at will also have the same voice as you because… well I’M THE PERSON WHO PLAYS YOU DUMB ASS. They hear sirens coming in the distance. Jason – Oh shit, time to go. Steven – Here take these, They *Might* help. Steven hands Jason really stick gloves/magnetic gloves/whatever is plot convenient gloves/Mission impossible 4 rip – off gloves. Jason – Nice. Thx. I love Mission Impossible. Steven – They aren’t from Mission Impossible. Jason – Umm… yes, they are. Steven – Oh really, which one? Jason – Ghost Protocol. Mission Impossible 4. When he is climbing the world’s tallest building and one of the gloves stop working half way through just to make the scene more climatic and dramatic and risky and Tom Cruisish. Steven – ahh shit. They are from Mission Impossible. Jason – Yeah. Steven – And while we were sitting here arguing about them being from Mission Impossible the police got into the bank. Jason – Yeah, they – WAIT WHAT? Jason looks out the penthouse window to see a whole bunch of police cars in front of the bank. Jason – Okay, you have that drill with you. Steven – Of course, I’m always carrying this drill with me. It’s right in my pocket, as always. Steven takes a big drill out of his pocket. Jason – Okay, I need you to make a hole in the roof right there. Steven drill a big hole in the roof, that way Jason can climb onto the roof. Steven – Wait, don’t these buildings have a stairway to the roof. Jason – Maybe, but who fucking cares. Jason climbs through the hole onto the roof. Okay, going to have to jump from this building to that building. Right onto the ledge of the bank in front of the window. Jason backs up realllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyy farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Then runs reallllllyyyyyy fast. And jumps. Jason barely hits the edge that way it is extra dramatic. Jason – Steven I need the drill! Steven climbs through the hole on the roof and throws the drill to Jason. Jason catches the drill and drills a big hole into the glass window. He finishes making the hole and climbs through it. The hole through the glass probably would have set off the alarm, if the alarm wasn’t already set of by BIG. Okay, now time to find my way through this big ass building and get to BIG. Jason talks to Steven through an ear piece. Jason – Hey, could you possibly locate where the hell the party is going on in this gigantic ass building? I’m already late. Steven – It’s on the lower floor, looks like he is slowly making his way up to the top of the building. I don’t quite understand why, I would assume it would be underground. Obviously, that would mean the bottom. Jason – Maybe, he didn’t fully think this through. Steven – He sounds like kinda a dumbass. Jason – Well, he robbed the last bank just fine, so he might have just had a minor screw up. I’m getting on the elevator right now. Steven – I can see that. I don’t think it is such a good idea to use an elevator when the building is under lockdown. Jason – It’s California, I’m sure they hadn’t thought that threw. Jason takes the elevator down, until he only two floors above BIG’s location. He starts to hear all the commotion coming from the gun party. Random Guy – YOU BITCHES ARE NO MATCH FOR MY MACHINE GUN! STUPID LOSS SANTOS COPS. Jason – Whatda fuck? Steven – What’s wrong? Jason – I think this is the wrong guy. Steven – Ummm…. It says he is all the way upstairs now. Jason – but the guy is right here. Steven – Not sure who you are talking about, but I don’t see this guy on my radar. Jason – Fuccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. Jason takes out a Deadpool PS4 game disk and swallows it. He takes katanas out and runs up all the stairs and into the open where the party is happening. He gets shot up instantly. But he doesn’t die because he has Deadpool’s healing powers. He slices all the cops up that get in his way, until he gets to the vault on the top of the building. All the cops that were sliced up just cry. Jason gets to the vault and catches BIG in the act. Jason – Hey BIG I’m here to recruit you for – before Jason can finish, he get’s a gold bar thrown at him, he catches it. BIG – Good luck, bank robber. Jason – Whatda fuck man? BIG makes a big hole in the glass with a really small glass cutter that he had in his pocket. He then takes out a long rope that he ties to a really strong barrier in the building. He then drops the rest outside the building and starts to climb. BIG is really quick, so before Jason can make it too him, he closes the vault and a whole bunch of officers are coming up. Jason – FUCKING ASS! IF YOU DON’T OPEN THIS VAULT RIGHT NOW, I’M GONNA FUCKING CUT OFF YOUR PENIS AND FEED IT TOO YOUR DOG… Once I get out… you know... this vault is actually really peaceful. I have my phone with me, I could listen to some pocketful of sunshine. It will be lit. Jason starts to take his phone out when the vault door starts to open. Jason takes the kantanas back out and slices his way through more cops. Jason climbs down the rope and sees a pink Lambo convertible driving by. Jason runs in front of the Lambo and it stops right in front of him. Jason takes a gun out of his pocket and points it at the guy in the Lambo. He continues to drive and Jason is on top of the front of the car. The guy is driving slow enough to where Jason can climb up into the passenger seat. Jason knocks the guy out and pushes him out of the car. He then moves into the driver’s seat. Jason – Steven, are you able to find Steven’s location. Steven – Maybe. Steven digs through street cameras and finds a van running red lights with the same license plate from earlier. Steven – Just follow all the traffic jams, might also want to avoid them though. Steven – He is on “No name street” Jason starts driving towards no name street and sees the traffic. He zooms past the traffic in the Lambo. Product placement. Steven – “Virgin-ia avenue.” Jason keeps driving that way. Steven – He is turning on “Corny Name Lane.”  Steven – He stopped. Jason stops a couple blocks away from BIG’S location and gets out of the car. Jason – What building is he in? Steven – Looks like an abandoned warehouse. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE CLICHÉ. Jason walks to the abandoned warehouse. Jason – How much do you think he got away with? Steven – Millions, maybe billions. What does it matter? Are you going to turn him in, thought you were trying to recruit him? Jason – You know, you’re a pretty dumb hacker guy. I’m sure he isn’t going to be completely willing to join. Thinking I’m going to have to do a little bit of threatening and convincing. Steven – Rude. I wouldn’t walk through the front door, there is a ladder on the side. Climb up that and go through aa window. Hopefully he doesn’t know you were coming. Jason goes to the side of the building and climbs up the ladder. He climbs it to the roof, then jumps onto one of the weird balcony things that buildings have that I don’t know the name of. Jason grabs a rock and smashes open a window. He then puts his hand through the hole that he made and unlocks the window and opens it. He walks into the warehouse and is on another non weird ledge thing that is inside of the building. He sees BIG emptying his car full of gold. Jason some how finds a way down from the ledge and ducks behind some boxes he continues to walk to the room that BIG is loading the gold in when BIG Is at one of the trucks. He walks through the door and stands in the dark corner pointing his phone at the spot where BIG is putting all the gold, that way he can turn the flashlight on and point it at BIG when he walks in. BIG walks in and Jason points the flashlight at him. BIG drops the gold and points a gun at Jason. Jason – Hey Rob, how’s it going? Rob – Who the hell are you? I’m Jason I work for this weird ass organization called S.A.P. not going to lie it’s pretty weird. Anyway we are in high demands of Agents, so I’m here to recruit you. Rob – And if I say no? Jason – Well I could simply turn you in, but I’d prefer to just point out how you just used the overrated “And If I Say No” Cliché. Rob – What, are you high or something? Get out of my fucking crib, before I cap you. Jason takes out a Muster – Fyer and shoots BIG right in the face. Jason then runs up and they have some type of fight involving fighting and Hand – To – Hand Combat. Jason wins of course because he is the protagonist of this shitty story with shitty writing. (Message from person making basically the whole movie: If you talk shit about this movie I will find out where you and your mom live and come right down to that basement and kick you right into fucking orbit. You will be Pluto2. I’m allowed to talk shit because this is my creation.) After all the shitty fighting BIG is laying on the ground confused ass fuck. Jason – Here, let me help you up. Jason helps BIG up. BIG – mkay. So what exactly does this organization do. Well we are supposed to protect Earth from threats of basically any kind. BIG – Like what? Jason – Well I probably shouldn’t be telling you this but I suck at this shit and I really don’t fucking care. We have fought Hitler, my old math teacher Mr. Rainbow, some gay guy that I’ve known since 3rd grade named Bill, a couple of Agents, a whole bunch of other stupid agents. That about sums it up. BIG – Who is we? Jason – Oh, well there is basically this whole Agency, but the we mainly applies to my friends Noah, Tristan, and I. We call are self the “Virgin Squad.” Anyway enough with this Q&A. I need to know if your willing to join, otherwise I need to get the memory eraser as soon as possible. BIG – Are those even a thing? Jason – No, but I’m sure they could be. BIG – Okay well say I was willing to join this “Organization” where the hell would I go to sign up. Jason – If you are interested just say your interested, if not your not. BIG – Okay, I’m interested. Jason knocks BIG out and drags him outside. Steven pulls up in the Mystery Machine and Jason throws him into the back then gets in the back. They start driving to S.A.P. Headquarters, and the movie says “THE END. THIS WENT ON FOR LONGER THEN SUSSPECTED, AND I REALLY ENDED UP DRAGGING IT OUT, IN CONCLUSION IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT YOU CAN FUCKING GO FUCKING SHOOT YOURSELF YOU FUCKING PIECE OF FUCKING DOGSHIT.” The post credit scene is Tristan opening his front door and seeing a package. He takes it inside and opens it. Inside it is a mangled up dead bloody golden sandwich. It is the original perfect golden sandwich from the first Virgin Squad movie.

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Credit goes to Tristan CO.

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eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

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oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

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Rainbow Cake Eater (A beautiful work in progress)

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Rainbow Cake Eater (A beautiful work in progress)

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[ Noah writing inside his Diary: Mmm… Cakes. Cookies. Ice – Cream. Tristan’s mom. Desserts, so FUCKING good. That cookie, specifiacly chocolate chip cookies are so good. They make me hard. They get so messy on your fingers, which makes them even more enjoyable. When I eat de Rainbow cakes I feel like I’m eating a rainbow. How strange, I wander why… Ice – Cream without it I would be a twig like Jason. Ewww… the loving of freckles might come with that for all I know. I saved Tristan’s mom for last. Because you know save the best for last. I ate his mom out under the table and his mom kept screaming rape. I wander why she would scream that. Oh wait I know why she would scream that. Its ShlaphaMa for “I love this so much.” I can’t believe she knows Shlaphama. Then she said she would call the cops. I’m looking through the ShlaphMa dictionary right now and I can’t seem to find what that means. Maybe urban dictionary could help with that? Oh, I just checked. I think its broken. “I’m gonna call the fucking cops” just translates to “I’m gonna call the fucking cops.” It must be a technical difficulty. Maybe Dictionary.com will give me different results? No. It didn’t. ] Okay that’s enough diary writing for now. Noah heads to his fridge to grab a Rainbow Cake, he then realizes his supply is empty. Fuck. I wander how Tristan and Jason are doing. I bet they are at the Sandwich Bar. Noah hops in his Porsce and drives to the Virgin Squad Sandwich Bar. He gets out of his car and walks into the building. There is some people playing pool, darts, and kick the ass. There is some people in the corner table smoking pot and weed. A world globe, that you may use at your own will to plan world domination to your liking. There is also the signature gun safe in the back room. Then there is the bar. The sandwich bar. Noah sits down on one of the stools. Bartender – Hey fuckhead! Give me your order before I shove this cracker down your throat. Noah – How racist. Bartender – Excuse me. Oh wait, my apologies. The bartender picks up a literal plate of crackers and cheese. This is what I meant. Noah – Oh my, bad. Would the owners of this place happen to be here. Bartender takes out a pistol and points it at Noah. Bartender – Who’s asking? Oh I’m Noah FatBoy. The bartender looks at Noah’s picture on the V.I.P. wall and then at Noah. He then looks at the V.I.P. wall and then at Noah again. Bartender – Holly shit, your Noah FatBoy? I am so sorry. The bartender swallows the pistol whole. I’ll have one of the other employees call the boss. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to use the restroom my good sir. The bartender walks into the restroom. Another Bartender walks in to replace the first one. Bartender 2 – Mr. FatBoy, I called the boss he said he is on his way. Very soon Tristan walks through the door and sits on the bar stool next to Noah. Noah – Where is Jason? I asked for the boss. Tristan – I am the boss. Jason owns the place and is the boss of me, but I’m the boss of these people. I’m very well paid too, I make 5 pennies on average per year. Noah – Well, where is he. Tristan – Oh, he is on a tinder date. With a freckled female specimen named FreckledBeauty. And yes that is her actual name. Noah – Wow, sounds so real. What’s she look like? Tristan – Why and how would I fucking know Mr. FatBoy? I’d say there is a high possibility rate that she may indeed have a whole lot of freckles. So why do you need me anyway? Noah – Oh well you see both you and Jason got your own solo movies so Virgin Entertainment Cinema figured they should give me my own movie to. The problem is I’m the more serious lame character so they are kinda having a hard time coming up with a movie plot. Tristan – Hmm… I see. Whats the material so far? Well so far I’ve licked dog piss of a mat, written in my diary (Material very similar to Jason’s movie, I wonder why), and came to this bar where I am reading you what is happening in my movie. Tristan – I see… well we could always do what Marvel does. Noah – And whats that? Tristan – Good question, I don’t really know. I’m not a huge Marvel fan. We could ask Jason though. He loves Marvel movies. Noah – Could we text or call him? Tristan – NO. FRECKLES. ARE YOU CRAZY MAN, HE WILL DESTROY THE WHOLE PLANET IF WE INTERUPT HIS FRECKLE DATE FOR A FUCKING QUESTION ABOUT THE FUCKING MARVEL CINEMATIC UNIVERSE. Noah – And what makes you say that? Tristan – Because I called him once during one of his freckle dates. Noah – And? Tristan turns around and lifts up his shirt, on his back is a penis tattoo. Noah gasps and is speechless. Tristan – I called asking where he was because the place just got shot up. Instead of him rushing over here and helping clean up the place he pinned me on the counter with those fucking dildos then used one to draw a penis on my back. *He said “WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU INTERUPT MY FRECKLE DATE? I WAS JUST ABOUT TO GET PERMISSION TO LICK HER FACE. THEN YOU COME IN AND INTERUPT IT. NEXT TIME YOU DO THAT I’M GONNA DESTROY THE ENTIRE FUCKING PLANET WITH A HUGE, THROBBING, MASSIVE, VAINY Lazer. (Sudden pause) Tristan – Whatda fuck man, I said I was sorry. Jason – No you didn’t! Tristan – Oh, well I’m sorry. Jason lets go. It’s all good, you just needed to say the magic word. Tristan – Oh, freckles. Jason – No, not that one. Plz. Tristan – But I didn’t say that. Jason – I’m pretty sure you did. Tristan – When? Jason – I don’t remember, how many times do I have to tell you, my memory fucking sucks.* Noah – Okay, that’s enough I get the point. Tristan – You enjoying your sandwich cocktail? Noah – NO, it fucking sucks. Goodbye. Noah gets off the stool and walks out of the sandwich bar. He gets into his Porsche and starts driving. Noah – Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I think I’m pregnant. Noah crashes his Porsche and faints. Noah thinking in his head as he is nearly dead: Ahhhhhhhhhhh. I can’t move. Rutyhfhktrye.Myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy                                                                           asssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. Noah wakes up in the hospital. Miiisss. Ladyy I think I’m pregnant. Miiisss. Ladyy – No sir, your not pregnant. Noah – I’m not no penguin? Shall I had so hartattack? Miiisss. Ladyy – No sir, your on your man period. Noah – oH mE. I haven’t add one of those since the cold war. Miiisss Ladyy – I’m pretty sure you weren’t alive then. Noah – Oh MEeeeeee ladddyydy lets hav de sexy tim. Lady takes out peper spray and peper sprays his penis. Noah – WHATDA FUCKKKKKKKKKK? AHHHHHHHHHHH?@MirrorLicker.Org. Miiisss Ladyy – Oh, man the fuck up son. Miiisss lady exits the room and slams the door shut behind her. Noah’s phone starts to ring. Noah tries to get it, but he has a hard time getting it because he is now in a Comma/period/zombie mutation/Rainbow cake sickness, a sickness that comes with the consumption of Rainbow cakes. MY PHONE, SOMEONE GET ME PHONE! Miiisss ladyy walk in. Miiisss ladyy – Okay, my boss forced me to come in here and give you some cookies. Whatda fuck are you doing? Noah is squirming around on the hospital bed freaking out because he can’t reach his phone. Noah – Me nead me’m fuking phoen! Miiisss lady grabs the phone and puts it in front of Noah’s face. When he tries to grab it, she pulls it back. Noah falls off the bed trying to grab the phone out of her hands. Noah starts to attack Miiisss lady. GIVE ME MY FUCKING PHONE! GIVE ME IT. I AM NOAH THE RULER OF WORLD, GIVE ME MY PHONE YOU FUCKING CRACKER! Miiisss Ladyy – Fine! Miiisss Ladyy throws the phone at Noah and runs. YOU’RE A FUCKING LUNATIC I’M CALLING THE POLICE! (Message from the creator: You better not be thinking “Oh but hospitals have their own security, why doesn’t she just get them or wouldn’t they hear her screaming?” NO! FUCK OFF! THIS IS A FUCKING COMEDY MOVIE YOU FUCKING RETARD! DEAL WITH IT. OHTERWISE I’M GONNA COME INTO YOUR BASEMENT AT YOUR FUCKING MOTHER’S HOUSE AND FUCKING MESS YOU UP ON YOUR FUCKING GAME OF FORTNITE AND CAUSE YOU TO FUCKING LOSE!) Noah swipes through his phone and passes by the Roblox 2 icon and goes to the calls app. Hmm… who called me? Oh its Bobby, one of my factory managers. He hits call back. Bobby answers instantly. BOSS! SOMEONE IS ATTACKING THE FACTORY! WELL… more like someones… there is multiple, they said you stole their bosses penis? Oh wait, no. They said you cut off their boss’ penis and threw it into a lava pit. Then you covered up that lava pit by placing a bucket of water on it and turning it into obsidian, or stone. He says they don’t know which one it was. Oh. He says its my turn to die now and that we are going to make this quick and easy. Noah – What? Random guy – Hahahahahaha. Noah gets out of the hospital bed and starts running through the hospital. Miiisss Laddy – YOU! GET BACK HERE! Guards, that’s the guy! They are about to electrocute Noah when Noah jumps on the one and eats his heart out. Guard 2 – Ewww whatda fuck??? So much blood. I’m done! I quit, I only make 50,000 a year. That’s not enough for the shit I’m dealing with. Guard 2 runs out the door. Noah – Where is my fucking Porsche? Miiisss Laddy – You totaled it you dumb fuck. *Noah Gasps* Noah grabs the lady and pins her to the wall. Noah – GIVE ME YOUR FUCKING CAR KEYS BEFORE I EAT YOUR HEART OUT! DO YOU WANT TO END UP LIKE THAT SHITHEAD OVER THERE? Noah points to the guys dead body. It has the corpses and lungs hanging out, half the heart is on the ground, blood crumbs, and well… just blood. Miiisss Laddy – No mam. Here are my keys. Noah – Whatda fuck are these keys to? ML – My car. Noah – No you fucking dumb ass cracker, what car? ML – Well, I guess the type of car is probably an SUV… but it depends on if we are including the individual car classes that go into each class. Noah takes out a knive and hovers it above her throat. Noah – If you don’t tell me the fucking car model I will fucking cut your throat. AND eat your heart out. ML – Oh, it’s a Honda Civic. Noah has flashblack: Jason – Fucking honda civics suck: Flashblack over. Noah – Sounds good to me! Noah runs to the Honda Civic and gets in. He drives really fast to the factory. He parks across the street and gets out of the car. He watches a van drive away dramatically.  Then the whole factory blows up in front of him. Noah – Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How the hell am I supposed to make all my Rainbow cakes now. Noah walks onto the destroyed building and finds a burnt Rainbow cake on the ground. He picks it up and tries to eat it, but it is too dusty and he gags it out. Oh wait, I have other factories. OH FUCK, I HAVE OTHER FACTORIES! I need to call and have a whole bunch of guards on site. Noah gets back into his car and calls his factory owners. Hey Jake, its Noah. One of the factories were just destroyed by some people and I need you to be on guard, make sure you have the place full of guards. Jake – Ok mam, I’ll contact the FBI. Noah – Hey Blah, its Noah. First things first I need you to get the divorce papers ready. Blah – Blahhhhhhhhhhh? Noah – Yes, it is because you say blah too much. Blah – Blahy blahhhhhh blaah? Noah – Okay well guess what. I don’t fucking give a fucking shit. Now second, I need you to militarize the factory, we are down to two. Blah – Blah blahy bl ahhhh blahst bla? Noah – Good. Make it happen. Noah hangs up. Fucking Christ, blahs a trip. Who the hell could have done this? I don’t remember cutting of someone’s penis.

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Virgin Squad 1
Virgin Squad 2
Virgin Squad 3
The Sandwich God
*The Sandwich Slave*
*Rainbow Cake Eater*

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Virgin Squad 4