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This picture is very important to me because it was taken a few minutes after my mom passed away. In it, you can see my brother, my sister, and my hand, holding hers. Mom spent most of her life making sacrifices for my brother and I, and I believe that in this moment, she wanted us to make a sacrifice for her, by finally letting her rest. I think that this last lesson that she taught us, can best be documented  in another picture that I have, however, I chose not to share it because it was my last picture with her, taken only a few hours before this one, when she was still alive.

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My faith is also very unstable, because I cannot understand why things had to end this way. I do not understand how to place my faith in a God that takes the lives of people that want to live, one that takes away those who deserve to be here. The plans that I had for my mom and I, extended way into the future, and now that everything has been shattered by her loss, I am not sure what direction to go in. Everything that I did, even my career path, was for her, so now that she's gone, I feel as though I have lost my purpose and my motivation. In her letter, my mom told me "if you feel that nothing else works, don't lose faith in God" but I don't believe that we have a fair and just God, and for that reason, I do not feel as though I can turn to prayer. The only person that I really want to turn to right now, is her.

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I needed to have a lot of patience, in order to carry these challenges gracefully, but the reason why I listed it as one of my weaknesses is because I am having a lot of trouble utilizing that now. I find myself taking everything out on the people around me.

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When I think of compassion, I look back to these trying times. Everything that she went through, was so heavy, and it broke me to see the brokenness of her spirit. I tried to cheer her up in between the moments when I wasn't attending to her physical needs, by downloading movies that she and I could watch together, keeping her updated on the events that were happening around us, asking our relatives if they could talk to her on the phone so that she may feel encouraged, and ultimately by acting as her advocate and speaking up for her when no one else could take the time to try and understand her.

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Humility was a different value that only settled in when I learned that my sufferings, were in no way, the same, as hers. Although I had been putting her needs before my own, right from the start, I was very bitter about it. I learned how to put my pride aside and focus solely on her, when she spiraled into a month long's bout of psychotic depression. During this time, my mom was hallucinating, and calling out to our relatives who had passed away a long time ago. She was paranoid, often thinking that we were out to harm her, and she did not even recognize me and my brother, as her children. It was during this time that I decided to really spend more time with her, so that she wouldn't feel as though she was just a burden to us. I wanted her to feel loved. During the nights when she could not fall asleep because she was scared, disoriented, and confused, I would stay up with her, and hold her hand, stroke her hair, and talk to her softly, to try and calm her down so that she would sleep. At the end of every day, I would tell her goodnight, and I love you, then kiss her forehead, and despite not being able to recognize that I was her child, she always, always, said it back, and it gave me hope that she would one day, remember, and come back to us.

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I was very emotional when I first read her letter to me back in 2017, but I don't think her message really sunk into me, until she got sick and I had to take care of her. Doing so was very difficult for me because she was the strongest person that I knew, and I couldn't really accept having to see her so helpless, sad, and dependent on those around her. I think that this is when I really had to be gentle and kind towards her. She really tested me sometimes, taking out her anger and frustrations on me, but as the months went by, I learned to hold my tongue and not answer back to her, after realizing that she was only behaving this way because she was in pain. Physical pain, from her debilitating condition, and emotional pain, from her sudden loss of freedom, and the most recent passing of my grandfather, whom she had been visiting at the hospital everyday, until the hospital banned visitors.

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In this, you'll find excerpts from a letter that my mom wrote me 3 years ago. She passed away last September 14, and this is the first time that I have been able to read through it since then. As you know, my relationship with her, particularly when I was growing up, was never that smooth. I found, however, that I began to understand her more, as I got older. My brother and I did our best to take care of her from when she became paralyzed, up until her last moments with us. It was during this time that I began to connect pieces of the puzzle that was her life, learning to see her not just as my parent, but as an individual. I am in awe, whenever I think of how she had dedicated her whole life to us, from the day I was born, to 23 years and 8 months later, when she left me. I give my mom credit for everything that I know about life, and for everything that lead me to create the foundations of my very being.

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Dear Ms. Anna
I know that this isn't the conventional way to pass in my preliminary exam but this is how I wanted to express myself. My life over the past few months have been extraordinarily confusing, and painful. I hope you can forgive me for once again, doing things my own way, and that you'll still be able to see a reflection of my values, through my work.

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If you think nothing else works don't lose faith in God, talk to our Lord God, because sometimes he too wants your attention. And lastly, be thank to our Lord God, at all times because he gave you the chance with the right instruments to reach for your goals in life

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Try to understand the happiness that touches our heart and soul

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Be always gentle to others because you do not know what others are going through

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Be humble no matter how successful you become, keep your feet on the ground

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Be always patient, do not tired of doing good because you will clearly understand its reward at a right time

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Manifest kindness, because what you show to others is a reflection of your worth