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What new parents need to know about resuming their sex life as painlessly and comfortably as possible - Mirror Online

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What new parents need to know about resuming their sex life as painlessly and comfortably as possible - Mirror Online

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In those deliriously-happy-but-knackering early days of parenting , sex is probably as far from your thoughts as a night out on the tiles, showering daily or, for that matter, any remnant of your pre-baby life.

In fact, the only reminder you once had it might even be that tiny person who's turned your life upside down.

The NCT research shows a fifth of new dads (21 per cent) experience less sex or intimacy with their partner after having a baby.

While you physically and emotionally adjust to the enormity of the role you now have, sex takes a definite backseat. And that's OK.

So, as and when you're ready, the experts at the National Childbirth Trust have put together some guidelines to help you resume old habits as quickly, painlessly and comfortably as possible.

1. Getting the all clear

When your favourite footballer injures his knee, you don't expect him to be on the field again until the trainer gives him the all clear do you?

Well, your partner faces a similar situation after giving birth. After all that pushing, and in some cases stitches or surgery, your partner needs time to recover before resuming sex.

NCT Head of Knowledge, Dr Sarah McMullen says many women wait until their six-week postnatal check before having sex again.

"It is important to make sure that everything down there is healed before you start having sex again. Otherwise, you risk infection or pain and you might have to hold out even longer."

2. Practice patience

Just because you have the green light to start having sex again doesn't mean it will resume immediately.

Emotionally, some women (and men!) are ready sooner and some will take a little longer.

It is important to talk about how you feel, follow her lead and don't pressure or make your partner feel guilty about not resuming your pre-baby sex life.

Of course, empathy goes both ways. For mums, it's important to find other ways to remind your partner just how important he is to you.

Some men find it difficult to adjust to the baby being the centre of attention so a little special attention - whether it a nice/sexy text or ordering his favourite takeaway - can help remind him he is still desirable to you.

3. Understand your own libido

Believe it or not, new mums aren't the only ones who may experience a drop in their libido when baby arrives.

In many cases, men can experience a decreased sex drive due to exhaustion and stress - both emotions that go hand-in-hand with a new baby.

In other cases, a lack of interest in sex can suggest something more serious such as postnatal depression (yes, guys can get this too).

Sarah says, "If you continue to feel disinterested in sex, or feel low or anxious, try talking to your partner or a close friend about it.

If this doesn't help or you're uncomfortable doing so, it may be time to see your GP. It can be hard to talk about these things, but seeking help early can make all the difference."

4. Play it safe

Chances are adding to your brood is the last thing on your mind as you both navigate the joys and challenges of being new parents.

Even if you and your partner aren't quite ready to get back to doing the deed, your partner's body can be fertile within 21 days after giving birth and before she even has her first period.

There is also a common misconception that breastfeeding is a natural contraception.

Sarah says chatting about contraceptive options before resuming sex is a good idea.

"You might not have used contraception for quite a while, particularly if it took a little time to get pregnant. Different options might suit you now, and some need to have been in use for three or four weeks to be effective."

5. Help her feel attractive

When a new mum feels anxious about her body, the last thing she probably feels like doing is being a sex kitten in the bedroom.

For many new mums, her rounded belly that everyone thought was adorable has transformed into an unfamiliar post-baby figure which can take time to adjust to.

Telling her she is beautiful - even if she is running on no sleep or is self-conscious about her post-baby body - may help to restore her sense of confidence.

Sarah says, "For women, it can take time to adjust to the way their body has changed. Helping your partner to feel positive about their body can build their sexual confidence."

6. Let's talk about breasts

It's likely you were well acquainted with your partner's breasts before the baby came along. But if your partner is breastfeeding, you'll need to get used to their dual purpose!

Some breastfeeding women prefer not to have their breasts touched, but others are happy to and enjoy it.

Take the time to talk to your partner about what she would prefer and explore what you feel comfortable with.

Sarah also points out that breastfeeding could impact your sex life in a more unexpected way.

"You might find that milk is released in response to the stimulation, which may take dads by surprise.

"The process of breastfeeding also changes the hormone balance of a woman's body and can lead to vaginal dryness. Some water-soluble lube might be a necessary investment during this time."

7. Life as a zombie

Your new baby has likely reduced both you and your partner to living life in a zombie-like state.

While fatigue is not exactly the ideal state to be in to resurrect your sex life, it can also cause you to behave in all manner of weird and unpredictable ways.

Sarah jokes, "There is a reason sleep deprivation is a torture method!"

In other words, be prepared to cut yourself and your partner some slack.

Being open to doing more around the house or accepting any and all offers of help from family and friends will also allow you both time to rest. After all, a rested parent is a sexy parent!

8. Keep the spice alive

Just because you or your partner temporarily lacks interest in or cannot partake in a little bedroom romp doesn't mean the fun is completely off the table.

As we know, there are plenty of definitions of sex and intimacy and these can be a fun way to ease back into the swing of things if discomfort or anxiety is a concern.

Other things to try include kissing, cuddling, back-rubs, or foot massages - even simply stroking your partner's hair can jump start the intimacy.

Sarah says the hardest part is often simply setting aside time to do it.

"Even taking 5 minutes a day to make time for each other will help keep your connection alive and make it a little easier to get back to having sex when you're both ready."

9. Back in the sack

When you do get back in the sack, don't be surprised if your partner starts requesting different positions, especially during your early foray into having sex.

In many cases the physical and hormonal changes from pregnancy and after birth may prompt your partner to request different positions or alter her preferences entirely.

Spending a bit more time on foreplay or positions that limit deep penetration may be preferable during the first couple of goes and can help ease you both back into the swing of things.

While a change in sexual routine can be worrisome for some, it can offer a chance to re-explore the passion and fun you had early in your relationship.

10. Expect a stronger relationship

While your life won't ever be the same as it once was, having a baby can actually make the connection you have with your partner better than before.

NCT research has found that 44 per cent of new dads felt they had a closer relationship with their partner after having a baby, and a further 19 per cent felt they had a bond that couldn't easily be broken.

Sarah says, "The dynamics of a new family can mean there is less intimacy between mum and dad initially, but over time the relationship is often stronger than before."

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What new parents need to know about resuming their sex life post-baby

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In those deliriously-happy-but-knackering early days of parenting , sex is probably as far from your thoughts as a night out on the tiles, showering daily or, for that matter, any remnant of your pre-baby life. In fact, the only reminder you once had it might even be that tiny person who's turned your life upside down.

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One Plus One | Online Relationship Advice

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One Plus One | Online Relationship Advice

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OnePlusOne is all about helping people to build stronger relationships. We do this by equipping them with the skills and knowledge they need, so that couples, parents and children can be happier, healthier and more successful.

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When is it safe to have sex after giving birth?

You should wait until any bleeding after the birth (lochia) has stopped, which should be by about three weeks after your baby's birth. This is because the wound left in your uterus (womb) by the placenta coming out is still healing. If you have sex before the bleeding has stopped, you may get an infection (NCT 2012).

When will I feel like having sex after the birth?

Everyone is different. There's no norm, or set time, when you should aim to have sex by (FSRH 2009). The most important thing is to wait until you are physically and emotionally ready (FSRH 2009).

A small number of couples start having sex within the first month after the birth, but about half wait until at least six weeks, as do most women who have had a tear or episiotomy (Woranitat and Taneepanichskul, 2007). By three months, most couples have tried sex again, though some couples prefer to wait until after six months (FSRH 2009, McDonald and Brown 2013, Leeman and Rogers, 2012, Lurie et al, 2013).

If you both feel ready to have sex before your postnatal check at about six weeks after the birth, you can go ahead if you want to (Macdonald and Brown 2013). Some health professionals suggest trying sex with your partner before your postnatal check, if you both feel ready, so they can address any problems at your appointment(NICE 2006: 14).

You'll need to consider contraception when you do start to have sex again. Even if you are still breastfeeding and your periods haven't returned, you may still get pregnant again.

If you're not yet ready to have sex, continue with kissing and touching and being physically close to each other. Try to do this, even if it seems a lot of effort when you're tired and preoccupied with your new baby. Returning to sex will then feel less daunting and more like a natural progression.

Why don't I feel like having sex after the birth?

It's very common not to feel like having sex in the first few weeks or months after having a baby. For a start, you're probably feeling exhausted due to lack of sleep, not to mention overwhelmed by the demands of being a mum. If you are breastfeeding, the hormone prolactin can reduce your desire to have sex, too (Lawrence et al, 2012).

Feeling low, or suffering from postnatal depression, will make you feel less like having sex. Talk to your GP, midwife or health visitor if you think this is a problem for you (Johannes et al, 2009).

You may also be feeling sore from a tear, episiotomy or stitches (Rådestad et al 2008; Handa, 2006). If you had a tear, or if your baby was born with instruments, it may take you a little longer to feel like having sex again. This is perfectly normal, and you should give yourself time to recover. If you had a caesarean, you will still be recovering from a major operation.

The soreness may go away relatively quickly, though the pain of stitches or a severe tear may take a while longer to heal. Stitches may be painful for a few days or weeks (Andrews et al 2008, Macarthur and Macarthur 2004). Let the wound heal, and any stitches dissolve, before you have sex again.

Even if you haven't had an episiotomy or a tear, the perineal area can feel bruised and sensitive for some time.

If you had a caesarean, the scar should have healed by the time your stitches come out. If it still feels sensitive, you and your partner could try to find positions that don't put pressure on the scar (NCT 2012). Starting with foreplay will help to reduce any fear you may have of your scar being painful.

If you are anxious, your tummy will tense around your scar, and this will feel uncomfortable. You could place a small, soft cushion between your tummy and your partner. This may relax you and help to protect your sensitive scar. Or you could position yourself on top, while gently cradling your tummy. This will help to prevent the movements from making your scar uncomfortable.

Your perception of your own body may have changed. You may feel that your body is so changed by pregnancy and birth that you need time for it to recover before you feel like yourself again. You may feel proud of the changes that pregnancy has made to your body, or find it hard to deal with these changes (NCT 2012). All of these feelings are understandable and normal.

Many women worry that their partner won't find them attractive any more, but when they explain their concerns, realise that this is far from being the case.

What if my partner wants sex before I do?

Talk to each other about how you are feeling, and keep the channels of communication open. Your partner might feel rejected if you don't want sex and he does, but you shouldn't feel pressured to have sex again before you are ready. Sex should be a pleasure, not a chore.

Sex doesn't have to mean full penetration. The stimulation of touch alone can be highly pleasurable. Words and cuddles can do much to convey affection and emotion. You will both benefit from this closeness, until you are both ready to have sex again.

Your partner may feel uncertain about having sex after seeing the birth. He may worry that sex will be painful for you, or be unsure about his own feelings. Talk about concerns that either of you have. By sharing the problem, and being honest with each other, you can work through it together.

Are there any self-help tips for sex after the birth?

Try just cuddling and being intimate at first, so you gradually become used to being touched in a sexual way again.

Take it slowly. Enjoy each other's bodies, and plenty of foreplay, without expecting it to lead to penetrative sex.

If you are anxious or tense, or worried that it will hurt, you won't become aroused (Brauer et al, 2007). Sex may then be uncomfortable because your vagina won't be lubricated, or have softened.

Try using a lubricating jelly if your perineal area is feeling sensitive, as this can make sex much more comfortable. Don't use an oil-based lubricant if you use condoms, as this may cause them to leak. The lubrication will also help with any vaginal dryness you may be feeling, which is common if you are breastfeeding (NCT 2012).

When you do feel ready, try not to rush things. It should feel natural, and you should both feel ready and fully aroused. Try a position that doesn't put too much pressure on wherever you are feeling sensitive. Beginning with you on top means that you can control the rate and depth of penetration.

If things become sensitive or uncomfortable, ask your partner to stop for a while. He could instead try gently touching your clitoris. Once you do feel aroused, you can try again.

If tiredness is your biggest barrier, try making love during your baby's nap time, so you are not too exhausted to enjoy it. Your baby is bound to wake up at the most inconvenient time, but just try to laugh it off and wait until the next opportunity presents itself. Be patient, as things will get easier when your baby starts sleeping through the night.

Keep doing pelvic floor exercises, to help bring back muscular tone to your vagina. This will help to increase your enjoyment of sex (Citak et al 2010).

Eat well, drink plenty of fluids, and rest whenever you can. Looking after a new baby is extremely demanding. To have energy left, you also need to look after yourself.

What problems should I look out for?

If sex continues to be painful, despite going about it carefully and gently, talk to your health visitor or GP. Occasionally, the way a tear or an episiotomy is stitched can cause long-term discomfort, which further surgery can put right.

If you have vaginal discharge that smells unpleasant, you could have an infection that requires medical attention. If you are still losing blood from your vagina after four weeks, or have a sudden increase in blood loss, see your doctor (NICE 2006: 9).

The important thing is to seek help as soon as you can. Talk to your GP, who can then refer you to a women's health physiotherapist. Sometimes, just talking about how are you feeling can help things to improve, without any need for further treatment (Lawrence et al, 2012).

Also see our eight sex secrets for new parents.

Visit our community

Feeling a bit nervous about getting back in the saddle? Join our friendly BabyCentre community to get advice from parents who have been through the same thing.

References

Andrews V, Thakar R, Sultan AH, et al. 2008. Evaluation of postpartum perineal pain and dyspareunia - a prospective study. European Journal of Obstetrics & Gynecology and Reproductive Biology: 137(2):152-156

Brauer, M et al. 2007. The effect of pain-related fear on sexual arousal in women with superficial dyspareunia. European Journal of Pain: 11:788-798: doi:10.1016/j.ejpain.2006.12.006

Citak N, Cam C, Arslan H, et al. 2010. Postpartum sexual function of women and the effects of early pelvic floor muscle exercises. Acta Obstet Gynecol Scand. 89(6):817-22

ACOG. 2011. Female sexual dysfunction. ACOG Practice Bulletin No. 119. American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. Obstet Gynecol:2011;117:996-100

FSRH. 2009. Postnatal sexual and reproductive health. Faculty of Sexual and Reproductive Healthcare, Clinical Effectiveness Unit, Clinical guidance. www.fsrh.org [pdf file, accessed February 2013]

Handa VL. 2006. Sexual function and childbirth. Semin Perinatol 30:253-256

Johannes CB et al. 2009. Distressing sexual problems in United States women revisited: prevalence after accounting for depression. J Clin Psychiatry:70:1698-706

Leeman L and Rogers R. 2012. Sex After Childbirth: Postpartum Sexual Function. Obstet Gynecol: 119:647-55

Lurie S et al. 2013. Sexual function after childbirth by the mode of delivery: a prospective study. Arch Gynecol Obstet. DOI10.1007/s00404-013-2846-4

Macarthur A, Macarthur C. 2004. Incidence, severity, and determinants of perineal pain after vaginal delivery: a prospective cohort study. Am J Obstet Gynecol 191(4):1199-1204

McDonald EA, Brown SJ. 2013. Does method of birth make a difference to when women resume sex after childbirth? BJOG. Online first 27 Feb

NCT. 2012. Sex after having a baby. www.nct.org.uk [Accessed March 2013]

NICE. 2006. Postnatal care. Routine postnatal care of women and their babies. NICE clinical guideline 37. www.nice.org.uk [Accessed March 2013]

Rådestad I, Olsson A, Nissen E, et al. 2008. Tears in the vagina, perineum, sphincter ani, and rectum and first sexual intercourse after childbirth: a nationwide follow-up. Birth. 35(2):98-106

Signorello LB et al. 2001. Postpartum sexual functioning and its relationship to perineal trauma: a retrospective cohort study of primiparous women. Am J Obstet Gynecol:184:881

van Brummen HJ, Bruinse HW, van de Pol G, Heintz AP, van der Vaart CH, 2006. Which factors determine the sexual function 1 year after childbirth? BJOG:113:914-8

Woranitat W, Taneepanichskul S .2007. Sexual function during the postpartum period. J Med Assoc Thai. 90:1744-1748

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You should wait until any bleeding after the birth (lochia) has stopped, which should be by about three weeks after your baby's birth. This is because the wound left in your uterus (womb) by the placenta coming out is still healing. If you have sex before the bleeding has stopped, you may get an infection (NCT 2012).