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If you notice you are trying to "force" a student to do anything. They are non-responsive or just not really doing it. Or even, arguing with you.... (And... if the options below are open to you)

STOP. Then say aloud, in front of everyone (since they're probably already watching), "I notice we are in a power struggle. This is not going to help you. It is my job to help you. This is not going to help me either, I'm getting frustrated, mad, upset (whatever... just name it!). So, I'm going to help us both by just letting this go. You do whatever you need to to cool down and I'll try and show you how much I care about you after a little while." Then, let the kid do whatever, waste time, read, sulk in the corner (popular).

After a little while, when you can. Go to the kid and apologize for losing your cool. Let them know that its your job to help them, including helping them move out of their current funk, so they can learn, have fun, and love school. Use "I noticed" words to describe their behavior. Tell them (and mean it) that they are not in trouble, at all. Say, "Even I have a hard time sometimes, and I need to start over. I want to start over with you. To do this, could you..." then ask them not to do whatever they were doing/not doing, and tell them you know they can do better. Engage them in the ongoing lesson, toss them a ball, do whatever you need to in order to get them to smile or regain a presence in the group.

This is re-connecting a disconnection. In order for the kids to learn, they need to feel connected to you in a positive way. NOTHING is worth disconnecting a student from you, from learning, from loving school. This is a practice. Practice.

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Instead of labeling a student:
1. Look for opportunities to show the student a new picture of themselves.
2. Put the student in a role/situation where they can see themselves differently.
3. Let the student overhear you say something positive about them.
4. Model the behavior you'd like to see.
5. Remind the student of their past accomplishments.
6. State your feelings/expectations.

* From How to Talk So Kids Can Learn by Faber & Mazlish

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If I immediately deny their feelings, I dismiss them and negate my whole "we should express our feelings" vibe. I am saying, "You're wrong to feel what you feel. Listen to me instead." This leaves kids feeling stupid and inadequate.
* From How to Talk So Kids Can Learn by Faber & Mazlish

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Help kids save face, give options. Use  flash cards that show what they need to do. Walk away. Don't tell them again. Give them time.

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Shaming students = disconnecting a connection

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Shaming students = disconnecting a connection

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"As a researcher, I do believe that shame is present in every school and in every classroom. As long as people are hardwired for connection, the fear of disconnection (aka shame) will always be a reality. I don’t believe shame-free exists but I do believe shame-resilience exists and that there are teachers creating worthiness-validating, daring classrooms every single today."

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"When the kids start to get ramped up, instead of yelling from across the room to settle down... I get closer. When the kids are starting to argue, instead of yelling above their voices to get along... I get closer. When the kids are ignoring my requests, instead of yelling my request louder... I get closer." So one way to head off your yelling is to just physically move yourself to where they are. Not only will that proximity get their attention, it will make yelling basically unnecessary."

"Harris also recommends using as few words as possible, rather than delivering a long lecture: "The more you limit your words, the less you're going to get into a power struggle."

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Listen to this post as a podcast:
I'll start right away by admitting I have done my fair share of yelling. As a middle school teacher, I wasn't too bad-I probably had one good yell per week. As a parent, though? Ugh. Much more. So I know the struggle.

And I know a lot of you struggle, too: Even if you're a great teacher, even if you're a swell person most days, sometimes it all gets to be too much and you just snap.

I remember the teacher in the room next to me one year, a person I completely adored. This teacher had a perfectly fine relationship with our students, but once or twice a week...Hooo-WEE! I could hear it through the walls, often accompanied by the slam of the classroom door, and it turned my blood to ice. If my students and I happened to be doing something quiet, we would all kind of freeze up listening to it. It never lasted long, but I always felt bad for my colleague during those moments. I knew a switch had been tripped and it wasn't this person's normal way of dealing with students.

And if this person was anything like me, they probably felt pretty awful when it was all over. Once the moment has passed and I have had my little tantrum, I'm ashamed of the spectacle I have made. Losing control is not a proud moment for anyone. But I have gotten a lot better in recent years, and I want to share what has worked for me, along with some research and ideas from other people who have cut way back on their yelling.

Understand Why You Need to Stop Yelling

Kicking the yelling habit will be more likely if you have a good basic understanding of why it's an ineffective way to solve classroom discipline problems.

It Trains Students to Ignore Your Regular Voice
When your go-to strategy for handling negative situations is yelling, students ultimately tune out all of your other voice levels. In 10 Reasons Why You Should Never, Ever Yell at Students educator Michael Linsin explains: "When you yell, you train your students to listen to you only when you raise your voice. In other words, they learn that unless you're shouting, you must not really mean it." So yelling begets more yelling, which may in turn make them immune to even the garden-variety yelling, so you have to keep upping the volume and intensity to get their attention. That's just a horrible, slippery slope you need to back away from.

It Disrupts Student Responsibility
A 2001 Australian study found that when students have teachers who use more coercive, aggressive behavior management techniques (like yelling), they report being less likely to act responsibly in that class (Lewis). This makes sense, because students are acting more out of compliance and fear than out of any kind of intrinsic desire to be responsible. So if you believe it's part of your job to raise mature, conscientious humans, know that yelling at them will only slow that process down.

Students Are Less Likely to Respect You
When adolescents are raised by authoritarian parents-whose methods are punitive, coercive, and often include yelling-they are less likely to view their parents as legitimate authority figures than kids whose parents have different styles, according to a 2012 study in the Journal of Adolescence (Trinkner, Cohn, Rebellon, & Van Gundy). Because parenting and teaching involve similar skill sets, it's reasonable to assume students who have authoritarian teachers feel the same way about them. The obedience you might get from yelling might look like respect, but that behavior probably doesn't match their true feelings for you.

It May Contribute to Bullying
The way students treat one another has become a major concern for educators in recent years. We tend to look at programs that aim to change student behavior and attitudes, but our own conduct may be a contributing factor: A 2010 study found that classrooms where the teacher used an authoritarian style-using punishment and coercion to influence student behavior-created an environment where bullying behavior between students was more likely to develop (Allen). "Bullying doesn't occur in a vacuum," write the authors. "A host of factors contribute to its existence, and one of them is how teachers manage their classrooms and respond to inappropriate student behavior."

It Creates Anxiety for Everyone
I don't think any research is needed to back this one up. When you yell in anger, it changes the feeling in the room; not just for the kid you're yelling at, but for everyone within earshot. That includes the teachers and students in nearby classrooms. Just a quick glance at your handy Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs will tell you that the need for safety comes way, way before the desire to satisfy any kind of cognitive or creative interests. Therefore, if your students are preoccupied by an awful, tense feeling in the room, they're much less able to do quality academic work.

Prevent the Yells Before They Start

The most effective way to combat yelling is to catch it early. These techniques will help you avoid the conditions that will make yelling more likely.

In her Psychology Today article 10 Steps to Stop Yelling, Dr. Laura Markham uses the term "kindling" to describe the "resentments you start to pile up when you're having a bad day. Once you have enough kindling, a firestorm is inevitable." The only way to prevent that firestorm is to recognize when a pile of kindling is growing in a certain situation or against a particular person, and do something about it before lighting the match: Have a calm conversation with someone about the problem while you have your head on straight. You'll thank yourself later.

If I were to look carefully at my thoughts in those moments, I think I would see something like this: They don't respect me. Look at how they just keep doing exactly what they're doing, as if the didn't even hear me. Kids who actually respect their parents would get up immediately. They would follow instructions immediately. But they don't even take me seriously. I'LL SHOW THEM!! GRRAAAAAH!!

The same happened with my students. In my first few years of teaching, I had a colleague (let's call him George) who would regularly stop by my classroom to reprimand my students if they were misbehaving. The kids would straighten up, he'd head out, and everything would be taken care of. Except I was basically humiliated. I felt weak and ineffective and embarrassed. And within the next 60 seconds I would be yelling at my kids over some small infraction. My ego had been bruised and I felt like all the other teachers thought I was a pushover. I'd show them. I'D SHOW EVERYONE! GRAAAAHH!!

The American Psychological Association recommends we control our anger with something called cognitive restructuring: "Simply put, this means changing the way you think. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, 'oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined,' tell yourself, 'it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow.'" I have personally found this to be an incredibly powerful way to diffuse my own anger.

So think about the things you tell yourself that lead you to yell. Are you regularly ruminating over how disrespectful students are these days? Are you furious about the impossible pressures placed on you by standardized testing? Do you believe certain students make it their mission to sneak, lie, and cheat their way through life? Do you resent the fact that you're having to teach students whose learning or language needs go beyond your training? Sit with those thoughts and feelings a while. Listen to them long enough to be very clear on the scripts they're playing in your head. Then see what you can do about rewriting them. For more examples of how cognitive restructuring can work for teachers, read my review of Angela Watson's book Unshakeable: 20 Ways to Enjoy Teaching Every Day...No Matter What.

So choose your secondary tasks wisely. Sure, if your students are working quietly and you want to file a few papers, fine. Just make sure it's an interruption-friendly task, something that doesn't require a lot of concentration, because if you choose something complex, or something that could give you problems, you're far more likely to see students as an annoying distraction.

When You Get that Yelling Feeling

If you've done everything you can to prevent the desire to yell from even coming up, and it starts coming up anyway, here are some approaches you can take to fight it face to face.

Get Closer
About six years into my life as a new parent, it suddenly dawned on me that one of the main reasons I yelled at my kids was because I didn't have the energy to physically go to where they were. I was worn out and didn't feel like getting up. Or I had my hands in the sink and a problem erupted somewhere, so instead of drying off and going to deal with it, I yelled. On her blog Lemon Lime Adventures, Dayna Abraham captured this epiphany perfectly in One Simple Tip to Help You Stop Yelling: "When the kids start to get ramped up, instead of yelling from across the room to settle down... I get closer. When the kids are starting to argue, instead of yelling above their voices to get along... I get closer. When the kids are ignoring my requests, instead of yelling my request louder... I get closer." So one way to head off your yelling is to just physically move yourself to where they are. Not only will that proximity get their attention, it will make yelling basically unnecessary.

Instead of Loud and Ranty, Go for Quiet and Concise
When you get the urge to yell, make a conscious effort to go in the opposite direction: Speak much more softly, almost in a whisper. This can actually get students' attention even more effectively than a yell. More importantly, it projects self-control. In a recent Periscope broadcast, special education teacher Amy Harris shared some important principles for dealing with explosive student behavior and staying calm in high-pressure classroom situations. "We are the adults in the situation. These are kids that we're talking about, so we can't try to get into a shouting match with them." Harris also recommends using as few words as possible, rather than delivering a long lecture: "The more you limit your words, the less you're going to get into a power struggle."

Find a Replacement
If you're mostly yelling to get the room quiet, look for an alternative. In her post 15 Creative & Respectful Ways to Quiet a Class, Angela Watson suggests countdowns, hand signals, and asking content-related questions to refocus students' attention. Or check out Todd Finley's 30 Techniques to Quiet a Noisy Class, which includes having the teacher just turn and write a message to the class on the board. My own go-to strategy when I really wanted to blow up was to grab a notebook and just start writing (a strategy I describe in this video). Repeating a mantra in your head, stepping outside your room, counting to ten...if you've made a commitment to not yell, you will find the trick that works for you.

Track Your Progress

Success with dropping any kind of bad habit can be reinforced if you track your progress. My yelling with my own kids got so bad at one point, I actually had to set myself a concrete goal with a reward at the end of it: If I could be yell-free for two solid weeks, I would buy myself a nice new pair of boots. I made a "No Yelling" chart to check off each yell-free day, taped it to a kitchen cabinet, and showed it to my kids so they could keep me honest. Each time I blew it-which I did, twice-I had to start over with a new chart. After I finally got through two full weeks and I stopped tracking, I would occasionally slip back into my old yelling habit, but my awareness of it had grown significantly, and that's what stuck.

Now I know that if I ever start getting really bad again, I can always work toward another new pair of boots. ♥
References
Allen, K. P. (2010). Classroom management, bullying, and teacher practices. The Professional Educator, 34(1), 1.

American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Controlling anger-before it controls you. Retrieved March 25, 2016, from http://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx

Lewis, R. (2001). Classroom discipline and student responsibility: The students' view. Teaching and teacher education, 17(3), 307-319.

Trinkner, R., Cohn, E. S., Rebellon, C. J., & Van Gundy, K. (2012). Don't trust anyone over 30: Parental legitimacy as a mediator between parenting style and changes in delinquent behavior over time. Journal of adolescence, 35(1), 119-132.

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Listen to this post as a podcast: I'll start right away by admitting I have done my fair share of yelling. As a middle school teacher, I wasn't too bad-I probably had one good yell per week. As a parent, though? Ugh. Much more. So I know the struggle.

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Practice, get a frame, model. Help kids and self turn disaster thoughts into more realistic thinking.

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"As an adult you can imagine how resentful and humiliated you would feel if someone forced you into isolation for something you said or did."
* From How to Talk So Kids Can Learn by Faber & Mazlish

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* From How to Talk So Kids Can Learn by Faber & Mazlish

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"When students are upset, they can't concentrate or absorb new material. If we want to free their minds to think and learn, then we have to deal respectfully with their emotions."
* From How to Talk So Kids Can Learn by Faber & Mazlish

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"When a student has strong negative feelings about doing something, they can experience a choice as manipulation or entrapment. Before they can even begin to entertain the options offered, they need to know that you understand their resistance.
* From How to Talk So Kids Can Learn by Faber & Mazlish

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1. Listen to the student's feelings and needs.
2. Summarize the student's point of view.
3. Express your feelings and needs.
4. Invite the student to brainstorm with you.
5. Write down all ideas - without evaluating. This is powerful. WRITE IT DOWN!
6. Decide together which ideas you like/don't like and how you plan to put them into action.

* From How to Talk So Kids Can Learn by Faber & Mazlish

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Instead of threatening punishment, you can:

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Instead of threatening punishment, you can:

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1. Point out a way to be helpful. "I hear your frustration. It would be helpful if you could express it without cursing."
2. Express your strong disapproval (without attacking character). "That kind of language upsets me."
3. State your expectations. "I expect you to find some other way to let me know how angry you are."
4. Show the student how to make amends. "What I'd like to hear is a list of strong words you could use instead of the ones you just did. Think about it."
5. Offer a choice. "You can curse to yourself - in your head - or you can use words that won't offend anyone."

And if the student continues....

6. Let the student experience the consequences of their behavior. "When I hear those words, I lose all desire to help you - with math or anything else."

* From How to Talk So Kids Can Learn by Faber & Mazlish

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Instead of questioning and criticizing, you can:

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Instead of questioning and criticizing, you can:

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1. Describe the problem. "I see wet paint all over the floor."
2. Give information. "Its easier to remove paint before it dries."
3. Offer a choice pointing out what needs to be done. "You can clean it up with a wet rag or sponge."
4. Describe what you feel. "I don't like seeing the floor splattered with paint."
5. Be playful (use another voice or accent).

* From How to Talk So Kids Can Learn by Faber & Mazlish

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Instead of dismissing a student's feelings, you can:

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Instead of dismissing a student's feelings, you can:

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1. Identify the student's feelings. "You sound very disappointed. It can be upsetting to know the answer and lose points in a quick mistake."
2. Acknowledge the student's feelings with a sound or just one word. "Oh." "Mmm." "I see.
3. Give the student in fantasy what you can't give them in reality. "Wouldn't it be great if you had a magic pencil that would stop writing if you were going to make a mistake."
4. Accept the student's feelings even as you stop unacceptable behavior. "You're still so angry about  that.... You're kicking your desk. I can't allow that. But you can tell me more about what's upsetting you. Or you can draw it.
* From How to Talk So Kids Can Learn by Faber & Mazlish

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Notes from Love and Logic: Magic for Early Childhood book

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Notes from Love and Logic: Magic for Early Childhood book

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**this book had some random bad mojo in it about kids using crack and how this system is the best and the only. With that, though, was a lot of good stuff.

Battles over control create tension and make warriors out of otherwise peaceful people.  Give  control away when you don't need it, so you can get some back when you do.

A child's ability to make choices, within the safety of limits, is the foundation of responsibility and wisdom.

Consequences + Anger = More Anger
Empathy + Consequences + Learning

Be strict and loving. Provide a strong dose of empathy BEFORE delivering consequences.

When we use empathy, the kids' reasoning brain turns on. When we use threats or frustration or sarcasm, thinking turns off and kids turn to fight or flight.

Use empathy and kids will think, and learn about problem solving.

The mistake is the bummer, not the child.

Choices: Offer two options, each a choice that makes me happy. If they don't choose in 10 seconds, I should choose.

Replace lectures, warnings, and lots of words with simple ACTIONS.

Don't warn, lecture, or remind. Let actions (consequences) speak louder than words.

Empathy soaks up emotions.

When something a student does bums you out, say, "I'm having an energy drain". "When you lie, it drains my energy. How are you going to put it back?" When they don't know, offer ideas and choice. When you do... it give me energy back.

Replace anger and frustration with empathy.

Set limits you can enforce.

Give away the control you don't need.

The more frustrated I get, the more monster-like a struggling kid will get with a tantrum.

Children who solve their own problems feel better about themselves.

Real world consequences often happen without warning.

Kid, you get attention by behaving and being nice. You will get no attention by acting nasty. Pay more attention happy times, and give less for bad behavior.

When kids whine, tell them you can't hear them when they use their whiney voices. They need big voices.

To strengthen a bond, use "I noticed..." statements. Avoid calling things good* or bad. Build a relationship by noticing. *not always.

Happiness comes from doing great things, not getting great things. Kids feel good when they work hard and accomplish good things. Chores are an excellent way to make this happen. Give choices about chores and avoid saying, "do it now."

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from Love and Logic and The Art of Education,
Provide choices for a solution.
If you have students that are having a difficult time dealing with tough situations or making good decisions, you can help them out by offering a few solutions they can choose to pursue. In this way, you allow them to take charge of their own problems and learn to build healthy relationships with others. A phrase you might consider is:

“I’m sorry to hear that. Would you like to hear some ideas about what other people have done (or might do) in your situation?”