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Money, and Time. These two thing hinder us from the impossible dream. The American Dream. On average the regular American makes $51,000 a year for a common household of 4 (Two Parents, Two Kids). The American dream annually costs $130,000 a year that’s about $80,000 more than the average American makes in a year. According to USA TODAY only 1 in 8 actually earned that much in 2013. That’s 16 million houses out of the approximate number of 128 million households in the U.S. That’s only if it’s a house hold of 4. What if you have more than 2 kid or more than one vehicle? The already insane price of 130,000 keeps rising and rising. Collin Powell say in his book “Sharing in the American Dream” that “All of us can spare 30 minutes a week or an hour a week. All of us can give an extra dollar.” Who has the time in our cram packed schedule to stop for 30 minutes or an hour to help every single person we see. Although that would be a perfect world the fact is that there is just not enough time and money in the world.

Replace:  "According to USA Today..." with a different transitional device showing the contrasting amount of people actually making the necessary income to live the dream. Also, while I understand your intent for including "Who has time in our cram packed schedule...," how could you be more tactful in your rebuttal to Colin Powell's speech (not book)?

Add: References to your sources. Add context to your Colin Powell quote ("All of us can give an extra dollar" to do what? Why?) Also, consider adding onto your "2 kids or more than one vehicle" section. I like the concept you've started to develop, but how can you connect that to truly being able to live the American dream?

Delete: While they are terrible, consider taking out (or replacing) your opening three sentences. How could you lead into your topic in a more fluid manner? Maybe lead with the counter claim, then delving into your stance?

Reorder:​ x

Overall, this was pretty well-written. A few revision needed, as well as a few edits for conventions.

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The Dream, the money, the car, the house, the food, everything you could imagine. This is the American dream, but as it sounds very nice and looks friendly you look at the expenses and tell yourself that this is unachievable.

Even though we can donate time and money to make the dream seem available to children as Colin Powell stated, the dream is just a hope that will never happen. The American dream may be alive to some citizens, but in reality it is dead due to its expenses. For an average house hold of four it will cost them around $130,000 a year as “most families cannot afford this. As stated in Source 2 "1 in 8 American households live through this expensive dream. You may still think the dream is alive but in all reality it’s dead.

The dream that people want desperately is no longer available as its expenses are to high and the economy is crashing. The Dream itself may no longer exists anymore for people have given up.

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Although some people, like Colin Powell in his speech "Sharing in the American Dream", may argue that the American Dream is not dead and with help we can achieve this goal. But with the economy nowadays, that is close to impossible. A graphic in "Price Tag for the American Dream" reveals that costly amount for the average "extras" like family vacations, entertainment, and restaurants totals approximately $17,000. if that's only the extras in the average family of four, one can only imagine the cost for the necessities in life such as food, shelter, and clothing. people are losing jobs, and people are losing homes, so the American Dream is very hard to achieve especially in 2015.

Edited by: D'Jon Smalls

Replace: Although some people, like Colin... with "people like Colin....

And replace the period in between the "goal" and the "but"(the first period) with comma.

Add: the amount for the simple price of the american dream (130K)

Delete: "people are losing jobs, and people are losing homes"

Reorder:

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A lifestyle of serenity and security in the U.S. is no longer affordable for most Americans. A study done “by USA TODAY shows that living the American dream would cost the average family of four about $130,000 a year” (Source 2). According to “Price Tag of the American Dream” by Howard R. Gold, “Only 16 million U.S. households... earned that much in 2013, according to the US Census Bureau”. This means that only a small fraction of the population would have come close to achieving the American Dream two years ago. With the rising costs of food, housing, and other necessities, the Dream would be even further out of reach today. But other people choose to be more optimistic. Former Secretary of State Colin Powell remarked in his speech “Sharing in the American Dream” that “all of us can spare 30 minutes... or an hour a week… all of us can give an extra dollar”. Can we really? Not everyone has the resources or the time to create a better life for themselves, let alone help others to reach the same goal.

Feedback from Perla

Replace: You should replace the first sentence with something like why the american dream isn't affordable. Because you just went straight into evidence.

Add: You should add a little bit more of an imaginative. Like" Imagine if..."

Delete: You could delete the first sentence and be more creative and and imagine if .

Reorder:You should reorder the Opening with the ending.

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A lot of Americans still have hope that the dream is still alive, but they have been let down.According to Howard Gold, Brookings Institution conducted a survey, which revealed that the American Dream is "harder to achieve". Therefore people are not able to achieve this as easily as they would have ten years ago. Howard also stated that the U.S. census bureau shows that only 16 million out of 128 million houses achieve the $130,000 goal of the American Dream. This is less than 1/4 of Americans that achieve this goal, and soon the numbers will keep depleting and the American Dream will be dead forever.

Feedback from Ethan

Replace: Replace "they have been let down" maybe just not use it as it can cause confusion later in the paragraph.

Add: Add a bit more elaboration to show how the dream is dead. maybe try to build off the elaberation using your evidense.

Delete: Delete "They have been let down". maybe include something like " the citizens cannot afford this????

Reorder: The opening statement is restated in the artical several times making it repetitive. Maybe use the phrase " the dream".

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The American Dream as many people as there are that want to accomplish it, it's not possible. According to Howard Gold, a survey conducted by the Brooking Institution revealed that the dream was "harder to achieve." People now a days really can't get enough. money. In source 2 it says "AAA estimated it would cost $11,039 a year to own a four-wheel-drive sport utility vehicle."That's for a family of four, but when the kids grow they are gonna want to have car, which is going to be more and more money each year. Now because of these facts the american dream is not achievable.

Feedback from William

Replace: When you elaborated at the end saying "Now because of these facts the american dream is not achievable." You could use more evidence like saying "Now that you know that the american dream cost so much money it is difficult to achieve.

Add: The total cost of the american dream. Say it costs about $130,000 a year. Also add a comma in the first sentence between the "american dream" and "as many".

Delete: delete "people now a days can't get enough money" and put more elaboration.

Reorder: Maybe switch around the ending part where you say "now because of these facts the american dream is not achievable" to "Now that you know the facts you understand the American dream isn't achievable."

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A single dream, and the right voice, can change the entire world. like MLK Jr. (Mather Luther King Jr.) famous "l have a dream" speech. But what happens to a dying dream? Like the great American poet, Langston Hughes said "Does it (The Dream) dry up like a raisin in the sun, or fester like a sore and then run?  Does it stink like rotten meat or crust and sugar over like syrupy sweet? Maybe it just sags, like a heavy load. Or, does it explode?"...

With the price tag of 130,000 for a average family of 4, The American dream is just as hard as wining the lottery... if not, harder. According to Price tag of the American dream, "An analysis by USA TODAY shows that living the American dream would cost the average family of four about $130,000 a year. Only 16 million U.S. households — around 1 in 8 — earned that much in 2013, according to the U.S. Census Bureau." And soon only 1 in a million will be able to live this American dream.

Peer Feedback by Immogen

Replace: A bit too much evidence in (what i believe) was the introduction. Not to mention the evidence chosen was a bit run on. Try and shorten the evidence in the first part, and replace with a more distinguished claim.

Add: More explanations for the specified evidence.

Delete: Take out some of the more opinionated pieces of evidence.

Replace: Replace some of the more unnecessary parts of the evidence and put some exploitations in it's place.

Notes: Claim? And where is the part where you distinguish the argumentative side?

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Edited by Zach West

Replace: You need to replace "need to make tons of income" by stating, this is a lot of money the family would have to make to achieve this.

Add:

You already have the cost of resteraunts but you need to add relateable things like the cost of a car of food in general.

Delete: You need to delete the second sentence because while it does support your claim it is not factual or strong enough.

Reorder: You need to reorder your refrence in the beginning of the third sentence to the end of the sentence so it does not sound repeditive.

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Replace: You should replace "The American Dream" with it or The Dream because you "The American Dream" is overused.

Add: More detail, evidence, and elaborate on the evidence you already have.

Delete: In your first paragraph it says AS the article "Price tag of the American dream" says, it says... Take out the second "it says" because it is repetitive.

Order: Your first sentence should be moved to the middle of the paragraph because you don't really want to start your paragraph to start with evidence and you didn't have a hook.

Edited by avery

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Thought the American dream sounds like a lot of fun, you can't achieve it. The American dream is dead. only 12.5% of Americans can achieve this "dream". This means very few Americans can live the dream even if they tried. To live the American dream it would mean you would have to earn $130,000 a year. According to the US Census Bureau only one out of eight Americans make that much money a year. So most Americans can't live the dream.

Kevin

Replace 'you can't achieve it' with 'it is impossible to achieve' or another grammatically efficient phrase.

Replace 'sounds like a lot of fun' with 'sounds appealing' or 'seems idealistic'. Other grammatically efficient phrases are acceptable.

Add 'all but' to 'The American dream is dead.' 'The American dream is all but dead.' decreases the inefficiency and superfluousness of the abstract sentence.

Reorder 'This means very few Americans can live the dream even if they tried.' into 'This means that, even if they tried, very few Americans could live it.' This is not necessary, but would improve the grammatical aesthetic of the sentence.

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Edited by: Hannah

Replace: The words "stable future" is overused. you can replace it with "bright future" or "successful future".

Add: I would had more statistical evidence to make it more factual.

Delete:

Reorder:

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To start with many people think that the American Dream is till alive and achievable with hardwork. But according to Howard Gold a survey was conducted by the Brokkings Institution revealed that the American Dream was "harder to achieve". The reason being that not only is the hope for the Dream dead but also the expenses that take place in trying to achieve it, Because to be able to live the dream you have to be able to made about $137,000 each year. Also according to a U.S census that was taken in 2013 it states that "Only 16 million households 1in 8 earned that much". Showing that there are a lot of people who wont ever reach the American Dream .

Replace: "The reason being that not only..." This is poorly phrased. Consider a different transitional phrase. Maybe use "So, what makes this dream so far out of reach?" Then, lead into elaboration provided.

Add: Evidence! You've used some good pieces, but neglected to show the significance of why $137K is so difficult?

Also, make sure to add more about the counter claim, refuting Colin Powell's idea of coming together to share in the American Dream...

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Replace: "American dream is able to achieve" to "American dream is an attainable life."

Add: Elaboration to the "AAA" statistic. Why is this number so significant?

Delete: "The dream is dead!" (Sounds informal, and overall, a bit overly dramatic...) Also, take out "no one can achieve this dream at any cost" because that is not factually based. (Remember the evidence presented in the article.)

Reorder: "Brookings Institution... harder to attain" quote to the sentence prior, showing the central idea before leading into the details.

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Feedback from Armin Malekajdswjisdhn

Replace: In the second sentence, instead of saying a lot, you should say it costs an extensive amount that most Americans can't afford.

Add: More evidence to support why the American Dream is so expensive, like the cost of a house and car.

Delete: The last sentence should be deleted because the prompt is not to show that the American Dream is dead, not expensive. Even though this does indirectly say this, it would be better if you said "With costs sky rocketing over what the average family makes, the American Dream is too much to try and achieve, the American Dream is dead."

Reorder: The first sentence should go after the statement that says how much the American Dream costs because the readers then know really how expensive it is and makes more sense.

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Although some say that the American Dream is still a possibility, others feel differently. The price of the American Dream has gone up while job wages have gone down. Achieving the American Dream has been proven harder to achieve. Every year less and less people are making the 130k. "Around 1 in 8 earned that much in 2013" (source 2). Although some people make that kind of money, they are not entitled to the American Dream . If job wages are unchanged, the American Dream will never be easier to achieve.

People will still come to America in hope of achieving that Dream. The more people that come makes it harder for everyone. The American Dream is dying and there's not much anyone can do. The American Dream will be a thing of the past.

Feedback from Dallen:

Replace: you could replace the "Even people who make that money are not guaranteed..." for something like "Although those people make this money, they are not for sure achieving the dream".

Add: You could add more elaboration to the evidence at how the job wages have gone down.

Delete: y ou could delete"The American dream is no walk in the park", and rephrase it to "The dream has been proven harder to achieve".

Reorder: You could reorder the end sentence and take out "If the wages remain" and put the rest in the beginning sentence.

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The American dream is that of a mere memory now. As Howard R. Gold stated in his article ' Price tag of the American dream' "Three- quarters of the Americans polled said the dream was hard to attain" Showing that about 3/4ths of Americans cannot afford what is deemed 'The Perfect life'. Despite the belief of some people, such as Collin Powell, who think the American Dream is not dead. But the sad but true story of life is that, it just isn't as possible as it was before. The total of what is deemed 'Perfect' is about 150,000$ a year, and most people cannot afford it. Showing that The American Dream is falling faster than it is walking.

Checked by, Micala Jones

Replace: "But the sad but true story of life is that, it just isn't as possible as it was before." What is not as possible as before? How come it is not as achievable? Please include how it is not possible, your reader may have some confusion as to how it was easier 'back then' to achieve the American Dream versus achieving the Dream currently.

Add: Include some background as to who Collin Powell is. Try to switch up your vocabulary (not that it's not goo), but do not continue to start most of your sentences with "Showing."

Delete: You do not need As Howard R. Gold stated in his article ' Price tag of the American dream' "Three- quarters of the Americans polled said the dream was hard to attain."

Reorder: "The total of what is deemed as the 'perfect' life costs about $150,000 a year. So, the sad but true story of life is that most people cannot afford this dream. Showing that The American Dream is falling faster than it is walking."

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Body paragraph

Clothes, cars, houses, traveling, medical bills, groceries, gas, and so much more. In order to be able to live the American Dream it would cost around 130,000 dollars a year, for an average family of 4. “Only 16 million U.S. households – around 1 in 8 – earned that much in 2013, according to the U.S. Census Bureau” (Source 2). Some families have 6 or more people in one household, it is much harder to afford the groceries, clothes, gas, etc. Very few families make 130,000 dollars a year, let alone be able to spend that much and still have money left over. Yes for some families the American Dream is still alive but for most people it’s just a dream that is no longer alive.

Edited by Sebastian Vazquez

Replace:

"is no longer alive" in the last sentence with something like "is dead and always will be"

“Very few families make 130,000 dollars a year” can be replaced with “Very few families make enough money a year that the American dream requires”

Add:

“due to that” can be put after “Some families have 6 or more people in one household,” and in front of “it is much harder to afford”

Delete:

Delete all but 3 items you listed in the first sentence to use The "Rule of Three" instead of over listing

Reorder:

:)-Brian Mero!!!

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2 pieces of evidence

“Only 16 million U.S. households – around 1 in 8 – earned that much in 2013, according to the U.S. Census Bureau” (Source 2).

-This piece of evidence means that only 1 family out of every 8 families only made 130,000[barely enough] to be considered living the “American dream”. That means that living the high life is pretty much unreachable.

“AAA estimated it would cost $11,039 a year to own one four-wheel-drive sport-utility vehicle” (Source 2).

- just to own a vehicle of your own car it costs 11,039 dollars, just for one car. That does not include gas probably or break downs.

BODY PARAGRAPH

Everywhere money is spent. Clothes,gas,food,car expenses, house expenses and others. It is hard enough to just get by as a family now days with the prices going through the roof. Now there is the american dream it is

basically the dream that american's have that they want to have alot of money retire and have plenty of money for their kids to grow up nicely. This so called American Dream costs 130,000 dollars for a family of four to be living it.he American Dream is too expensive and is a waste of American's dreams and time. It is dead, in the ground, and completly vanished.

feedback by Brian Gomez

replace: don't talk to the reader "lets face it folks"

add:

delete: last sentence is unnessisary

reorder: you could have mixed your 2 evidenceses into your paragraph

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The American Dream has died out, since people have not been able to achieve it. The expense costs for living this dream is way too expensive for the average American. To live the American Dream a family of four would have to pay at least $139,000 per year, "Only 16 million U.S. households - around 1 in 8 - earned that much in 2013, according to the U.S. Census Bureau" (Source 2). These necessities are to much money, but that's what makes it the American Dream.

Edited by Jacob Slavkin (Sniclefritz)

Replace: You could replace the sentence after your evidence with something along the lines of these necessities are becoming harder to achieve.

Add: You could add a bit more elaboration on your evidence to make it more clear to the audience. Or you could add more evidence.

Delete: You could delete the second sentence of the paragraph because it is kind of redundant when it's used at the end

Reorder: I would put your evidence after the first sentence so the paragraph would flow better.

;)

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The American dream is one of many that most people cannot keep up with. Stated in Howard R. Gold in “Price tag for the American dream: $130K a year” “…the American Dream would cost the average family of four about $130,000 a year.” This hefty amount of money is only for the average family and could even go over the already large amount that needs to be paid. Howard also says that only 1 in 8 households achieved this $130K goal for their families. For us to believe that we can help 7 in 8 households get this goal is unreasonable and would be digging a deeper hole for the mess we are already in. Even though many people have donated to charity and the ones in need, we still do not see every family with a car, house, and education for their future generation. After all effort to get everyone the promise of living the American Dream, no more can be done, and all hope is lost.

Edited by Daniel Otero

Replace: The American Dream with "The Dream" or some thing close.

Add: Different sources or the counter claim.

Delete: Fine

Reorder: fine

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The American dream may be alive to some citizens, but in reality it is dead due to its expenses. For an average house hold of four it will cost them around $130,000 a year as most families cannot afford this. As stated in Soure 2 "1 in 8 American house holds live through this expensive dream. With the 16 out of 128 million house holds that are able to take home 130k a year to be able to live through this dream. The realism of this is that you may think it is alive but in real words the dream has been lost.

Feedback from Michael V

Replace: "The realism of this is that you may think it is alive but in real words the dream has been lost" Could be replaced with "You may still think the dream is alive but in all reality its dead."

Add: Add quotations around your evidence, When you're talking about how most families can't afford it you can say "For most , people, this is an unachievable goal"

Delete: Take away 16 out of 128 million because you said 1 in 8 already

Reorder:

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The American Dream, though it is the ideal that drives most Americans to achieve all they can, is a fading reality. The price for contentedness rises steadily like a mountain, invalidating the efforts of simple hard work and determination alone. Former Secretary of State Colin Powell said that “All of us can spare 30 minutes a week or an hour a week.  All of us can give an extra dollar.  All of us can touch someone whole doesn't look like us, who doesn't speak like us, who may not dress like us, but needs us in their lives. And that's what we all have to do to keep this going.” (Sharing In the American Dream, Paragraph 9). But the ideological Dream of antiquity is gone, replaced by a Dream mirroring the America of today, a Dream that relies on a good deal of money. According to Price tag for the American dream: $130K a year, the Dream for an average American family now totes a hefty $130,000 annual price tag, excluding the specializations of each individual family. From the same source, we discern that only about 12.5% of American families actually earn such wages so as to sufficiently support the idealistic lifestyle. In terms of correlation, Price tag for the American dream: $130K a year also provides the median household income of about $51,000, pegging what is at best a sharp disconnect. Goodwill and a tenacious spirit can’t simply conjure $130,000 out of thin air.

Feedback from Michelle

Replace: "The price for contentedness rises steadily like a mountain"- This simile implies that the price for contentedness will eventually drop steadily as it goes down the other side of the mountain. Instead, you could say "The price for contentedness rises steadily like a ladder" or something like that.

Add: "Goodwill and a tenacious spirit can't simply conjure $130,000 out of thin air." You probably should reword this sentence so it doesn't sound like you're talking about the fact that Goodwill (the company) can't magically make money appear.

Delete: Take out the middle section of your first sentence ("though it is the ideal that drives most Americans to achieve all they can").

Reorder: The sentences that start with "According to Price tag of the American Dream..." and end at the end of the paragraph should be moved to the place after the sentence that ends with "simple hard work and determination alone".

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e

People think that the American Dream is alive, but what many people think is wrong. For example, in, “Price Tag for the American Dream,” it states that, “AAA estimated it would cost $11,039 a year to own one four-wheel-drive sport-utility vehicle.” With that being said, that means that for one person to own a vehicle it costs around 11,000. Now for both parents to own cars. That would mean that the 11,000 dollars to own a car, would double. Now eventually, those kids would grow up and eventually need cars of their own, which would then double for car cost. In conclusion, The American dream is dead due to high prices to afford certain necessities.

Edited by Brian Mero

Replace: When you say "but what many people say is wrong" it could have been re-worded

Add: More specific details on where all the rest of the money comes from.

Delete: You should delete when you say "the kids are grown up and then needs cars of their own" part, it is too specific

Reorder: The "due to high prices to afford certain necessities" could have been re-worded and said it at the beginning.