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I've always found it hard to communicate about my feelings.

I've become accustomed to staying closed off, especially if I'm feeling upset or angry.

But I learnt the hard way that this way just ruins relationship.

So, I tried to open up more about my feelings, become more verbal with my feelings.

I thought it would go well. I thought it would make the bond I share with said person stronger.

But I was wrong.

Apparently, I 'talk too much', I 'text too often', 'I never give them their me-time', and that talking to me 'occupies too much time'.

I never really thought that by being verbal, it would mean that I might become some sort of nuisance in someone else's life.

Or maybe it's just too naive of me to conclude it this way, maybe he was right and that I was being too much, because I realize I haven't actually found the balance between 'not being too much' and also 'not being too less'.

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Went to Pasar Seni today! It was a pretty much unplanned trip, but they all say these ones are the best types of trips ever, and I can't even disagree.

Irma made the trip a whole lot more fun though. She is genuinely such an amazing company, and I'm forever grateful to God for having met me with Irma.

I wish I would be given more chances to take care of her, as in, to always be by her side and be a good friend, so that we can plan another trip together LOL.

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It's been a while since I last talked with my Indonesian friend.

He's been busy, I mean, as expected for a final-year degree student. But today, we talked for what seemed like the whole night LOL!

It's nice to catch up with him again as I've missed him terribly. He's the definition of 'a second home'.

We talked about all kinds of things, from our future plans in life, to the current issues in the world, and then to random little things.

I've missed these kinds of talk, where you just can't ever seem to get bored no matter what the topic is about.

I guess I never really realized it, but I genuinely value these kinds of friend, where you're free to talk about whatever you feel like, and the vibe still carries on.

If I have to be honest, he's the reason I grow to love having conversations more and more. I crave for these types of conversation.

I'm forever grateful to him for he's the reason I'm who I am today, in a sense. He encouraged me to talk more about my feelings and to not feel insecure about my opinions, and to just genuinely enjoy the moment without really worrying about what others might expect of you.

Love you, Zaa. Platonically though, hihi.

(P/S: the poem/song I linked above has nothing to do with what I talked in this section. It's just something that we both share mutual interest with.)

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Stasis.

Stasis is the word I believe is most suitable to describe both my current mental state, and the current state of my life.

I'm sitting in silence, held hostage by my own thoughts, a moment enveloped by the music I hear in the background.

I have found this song by pure coincidence, and just like my thoughts, it is now looped in the background, effectively becoming the soundtrack to my own life.

I wonder if this music is what is giving life to the lines I'm currently writing, or if these lines are what is giving life to this music.

I would love to talk about how I think the music is both a source of comfort and despair, but I don't think I have enough space required to further stain this once clean and empty space with these white letters.

I am just currently empty.

The culmination of my own nothingness.

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Nothing can ever beat a home-cooked meal. No words can express how much I've missed my mom's cooking.

It has been a month since I last saw my beloved mother, blame the never-ending assignments (sigh). But she told me she would come and visit me today. Yeay!

Perfect timing too, I would say. It's just as if my mom could tell that I just had one of the worst downfalls ever in my life. The power of the mother instinct, they say.

My mom is my strength. I have always regretted the way I treated her when I was young and naive, not that I'm any older, but I'm definitely wiser now!

Thank you, Ummi for being the best mom I could ever ask for. Thank you for sacrificing your youth to take good care of me.

I promise I will make all your efforts worth it.

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First day of assignment!

And I just watched one of the most heartbreaking movies ever, Grave of the Fireflies.

Geez, perfection is an understatement to describe this movie.

It was so well-written, and I would NEVER STOP recommending it to my friends.

There isn't much to write today unfortunately, given that nothing exciting really happened today.

But I promise there will be more to come!

Toodles~

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It’s currently 4:36am. I woke up around 40 minutes ago.

I hate this feeling. I hate that as humans, it’s normal to feel sorrow.

I hate that our brains are trained to miss something or someone that we lost.

It has been 2 months, quite literally. A lot of significant changes had happened in my life.

But how is it even possible that the pain is still as strong as ever.

If I could, I’d go on and on about this twisting pain, I’d love to describe it in detail; how the tears won't stop falling, the heart is twisting and churning in pain.

Nobody ever really talks about how painful relapsing actually is.

What a terrible day to be a human with feelings.

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Just saw Siksa Kubur with my roommate, Sabrina. Genuinely the scariest movie I've seen so far, and if I were to get any weird, scary dreams tonight, it'll all be Sabrina's fault!

Just kidding.

Or maybe PARTIALLY kidding.

As we were watching, Zaa texted me. We ended up talking after the movie ended, and as usual, we spent the whole night talking again, LMAO.

Conversations are always fun with Zaa.

Man, how I wish I could show him my appreciation more towards his time and attention. My words are simply not enough!

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If you had a chance to move on..

Would you let it go to waste?

If you had been wronged beyond the conception of wrong itself...

Would you still come back and try to make things right?

If you had a chance to rewind time...

Would you do it all over again?

Knowing what awaits you..

The only logical answer present withing this realm of reason is : no.

However, somehow, a voice unbeknownst to me kept relentlessly calling out for you.

I was wronged, but I know I'm also in the wrong, for not having cared to be right about being wrong.

I'm a fool, I acted foolishly, and for that I was fooled, and once I had the courage to acknowledge it, I became the fooler, not the fooled.

What a deplorable example of hypocrisy...

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Sampai Jadi Debu (Menampilkan Gardika Gigih)

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Sampai Jadi Debu (Menampilkan Gardika Gigih)

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I told Zaa we played a Kahoot game in grammar class yesterday. And he asked to play as well, LOL!

After playing a few games, I helped him with reviewing some words from a novel that he recently read titled "The Fourth Wing".

I've never really been one for 'Empyrean' stories but I'm not going to lie, this book had successfully captured my eyes.

I asked Zaa for the PDF of the book, and I can't wait to read it once I have the time to.

Some of the things I enjoy doing most are helping people reviewing words from books and correcting their pronunciations. These are honestly what made English so appealing to me!

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Learnt a lesson the hardest and most embarrassing way!

Never lie about your conditions unless you want to get severely humiliated AH! (high-pitched screaming)

As usual, I spent the whole night talking to Zaa and at one point in the conversation, I got sleepy.

He realized it but I told him I was not (which was blatantly a lie!) and then, I proceeded to say the most unhinged thing a person could ever imagine saying (crying rivers of tears reminiscing this moment at this point)

I was talking to him about how microsleeping is dangerous BEFORE PROCEEDING TO MICROSLEEP MYSELF.

Even worse, I had a short dream..or actually, a more correct way to phrase it is I had a 'vision', which made me started saying "Oh, look at the fish,"

...WHAT FISH?!

God, I would never lie to people and tell them I wasn't sleepy anymore when matter of fact, I was!

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"On the days when your trauma is louder than your love, just remember that you are more than what has hurt you."

A quote that I hold on to with all my might.

I always let my past mistakes define who I am. And honestly, they never do me any favors, if not bringing me further down the black hole.

Love yourself, because if not you then who else? You can never have the guarantee that the people around you will stay with you through thick and thin, but you, you can never leave yourself; your body, your soul.

I learnt it the hard way, too.

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Just saw the prettiest sunset!

And people ask me why I love sunsets as they mean everything has an end.

But it tells me that whatever happens all day, a beautiful end can help it mend.

I love how the lonely clouds strand in the sky, distorted.

And I realized that that's the most glorious thing I spotted.

It is beautiful as the weeping cloud pour the raindrops, quite delicate to embrace, yet broken but still adds to the nature its grace.

Broken doesn't mean it is the end, as they're still left with the pieces.

Though broken, much more beautiful.

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I just did the 'Your Spotify Room' trend that is going viral on TikTok these past few days and WHAT IS THIS ABOMINATION?! (crying a bucket of tears)

I never really realized that the songs I saved are way too diverse to the point that it would make my room look so flashy AH! (high-pitched screaming LOL)

AND WHAT IS THAT COCKROACH DOING THERE?!

Please get this abomination of a room away from me!!

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"I met this girl who holds her pain as if it's glass

Who's gotten so used to carrying it

She's convinced that without it her light won't pass

With so much to carry, with bruises on her shoulders

She saves being happy for some day when she's older"

An unfinished poem. I might continue it later, once I get the motivation to write again. Sigh.

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Arabic oral test is going to be the DEATH of me!

And as expected, I exaggerated. It wasn't even THAT difficult. Teehee!

I managed to answer all of the questions as smoothly. A little pat on the shoulder for myself.

To many more successful days such as today, Aisyah!

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A day out today!!

I went to Bangi Gateway with my friends. Well, I didn't really have any purpose to go there. I just decided to tag along HAHA, ever the busybody.

At one point, we went to a restaurant there to eat as it was already lunch time.

And as we wait for our orders to come, us, being girls, we had a 'tea-spilling' session.

I kid you not, it was one of the most spiciest, juiciest session I've ever been in.

Rephrasing yet again, EVER THE BUSYBODY.

I genuinely enjoy 'bonding' sessions such as this.

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It has been 2 months since I last read a story a very dear friend sent me.

He wrote the story by himself, and it wasn't even written in the span of the time that we've known each other, but still, it felt as if the story was speaking to me.

I remember when I first read the story, I was having such a rough week in my life. The story was unbearably relatable to the point that I could not stop the tears from falling.

I read the story again, for the first time in 2 months, today.

Oh, how I terribly miss my dear friend.

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"The moonlight dimly illuminated the endless path ahead of the entity.

It was just the lone silhouette and the ethereal presence of the luminescent moon, just the two of them dancing a sorrowful, yet comforting waltz in that cozy night..."

Till the sunlight will set us part

this dance will bless my heart.

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I was looking for pictures of my best friend back in my high school days as it is her birthday today, and I found this picture too!

Oh how I've missed my old friends. Just look at our smiles! We look so young and carefree, so happy just living our lives.

We were 16 here I believe.

The one on the left, her name is Aisyah too! And the one on the right is Alia Hanan, but I just call her Haney LOL.

I remember it was one of our friends' last day at the school and we all decided to wear purple for the farewell party.

Genuinely missing my younger self, just look at how good my skin was ugh!

Just kidding.

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Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove.

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wand'ring bark,

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle's compass come;

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me prov'd,

I never writ, nor no man ever lov'd.

-William Shakespeare-