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Am I insane? Yes, probably, clinically, not just methaporically

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I need a place to write my thoughts

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Maybe with this, its a little bit easier to explain how it feels to be me or whats going on inside my head everyday

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Without much talking of course

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I cant, social interaction costs too much energy

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Oh, btw dont try to change my mind. I'll get violently defensive real quick

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This is not simply my "thoughts"

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Its rather doctrinal

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Lets start with love

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I dont have any intention to change others way of thinking about love. No, but please dont try to change mine too

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Love? What is it? Is it mutual feeling and affection you got from your partner?
For me, love is neither need to be mutual nor makes me happy

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Love is absolute, love is devotion, love is sacrifice, love is servitude. You love someone, you dont need them to notice you or give you something back

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But you have devotion, absolute loyalty, obligation to serve for them. Make them happy, protect them, do something for them, without anything in return

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Love is absolute loyalty, absolute devotion.

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How much devotion? How much loyalty?
Well, how much is humanely possible?

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This is why I hate methapors, this is why I hate flirting

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When you said to your lover "I am ready to die for you", you SHOULD really mean it. You should mean it literally, not methaporically just to sound sweet. You should tell yourself everyday everynight train yourself how much you are willing to die for them

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When you said "You are my everything", it should literally means they are your everything, like everything everything. Tell yourself, doctrine yourself, hammer it down to your head that nothing else matter. Tell to yourself you will literally, very ready, to kill everyone around you if they told you to do so. Tell yourself everynight that you will burn this entire city to the ground, or rather prefer die trying to execute it if they told you to do so

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But of course, you know your love, they are not an evil person like that

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But you still need to hammer it down to your head, you should be ready, your life purpose is now solely for them

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What else matters? Nothing, except if it could lead to their happiness

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But this is of course, such a painful way to devotion

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People keep telling me this is a severe case of obsession

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Yes, so what? Whatever they called it, obsession or whatever. This is how my worldview works

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I've lost everything long time ago, I decided to just give up living mostly...But I am not allowed to die

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I cant die, not because I still have hopes that everything would be better
But because I believe I shouldnt die until the time for me to die for someone else's causes

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Nothing in my life will improve much, it will be downhill from now on, or..it has been for like quite sometimes now. Years

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It is a pathetic way to stay alive, simply because you believe you need to die for someone else in the future

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But it is pretty effective to make me stay alive

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Oh? And my opinion on how regular folks saw love? I hate it to the guts

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You can't just change loves within months, you can't just do breakups and hate eachother despite making sacred promises

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Promises within love are sacred, as sacred as love itself. And love is so sacred that it should be maintaned and fought for even if it costs tears and blood

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Promises within love once said, should be fullfilled, no matter how painful or destructive it is

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You can't just easily move on within a week or a month, that is very unhonourable, and disrespecting the sacred bond you both supposed to form previously

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Love isnt about happiness with others, love is about how much you are willing to sacrifice and destroy yourself for others...at least thats how it works for me

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Love is about how much you are willing to give up everything for someone else, how much you are willing to value your promises

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And the way most people around me treat love, as some sort of something fun or something they can play with, is just such a horrifying way of handling it for me

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Oh, I dont force this ideal to anyone
I was just talking to myself lol

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You do you, I'll do my own stuff

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Also how do I want to have my life now?
Probably like rose petals, they scattered beautifully to the ground

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I really want to die for my loved ones...I should die for them, it will be more useful than staying alive in this useless weak body and stupid mind

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At least I wish a beautiful death, if I dont have beautiful life (which I obviously wont have)

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How about the princess? Who is she? I dont know...I cant explain, I dont know how to start

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It has been a very painful period...I dont remember how many years it has been

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Am I tired? Probably? Will I stop? No, that is not allowed

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Well, but as you can see my sanity isnt exactly great

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Its been like that for quite a while, back and forth

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I start hallucinating weird stuff too, I heard the moon was talking to me, and also the starts...I might start to think of them as angels? Weird

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I definetly dont do drugs, except probably some...which are not drugs as in antipsychotic drugs...They are just regular drugs against headache and stomach ulcer stuff like that

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What's next? No idea...I wish she will give me more command, I can't function alone as a human being without her

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Do I expect a relationship with her? Or something mutual?
Of course not, silly. In what world a servant can try to be on equal footing with his own mistress, the princess herself? No, no that would be silly...I believe I will be stuck in this position until I die or I break

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I feel quite shakened recently due to unknown reason. I feel a lot more violent and unstable

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I probably should be locked inside a mental hospital now

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Why am I doing this? Am I just an attention seeker?
Yes, probably...Probably all of this are not valid, maybe my sanity is actually normal, and everything is just me being a weirdo that seeks attention. Well, if thats the case then feel free to literally punch me in real life if you meet me. I am indeed an attention seeker, a low one.

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What? Inception of thoughts
My mind try to think that maybe people think I am attention seeker, which maybe some people think is a way to invalidate the argument that I am an attention seeker, which is used to hide the fact that I am probably indeed an attention seeker

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But then other side of me will argue that I should stop calling myself attention seeker because it makes me trying to sound like playing victim here and indeed an attention seeker, because trying to say "yea i am indeed an attention seeker" sounds like something an attention seeker would say to defend their case and make people believe they are genuine

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But then me having this complicated trains of thoughts and chain of arguments is probably just my brain subconciously trying to make me sounds more insane than I actually am and just a small drama to justify and make me sounds like I am not an attention seeker and so people would gain sympathy for me which means I am an attention seeker

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And doing that train of thoughts and keeping the theme of argumentception that will keep going forever just to make me even sound actual insane while maybe in reality I am just playing victim, and again, just a scummy attention seeker

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Someone please lock me in mental asylum or like shot me with a blowgun and then tie my hands and feet

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Or maybe not, maybe I am normal, not insane. I am just fine and its fine

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How about college? Job? Other stuff? I dont know, what are those things for?

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What the hell im even talking about? To whom?

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Its not like I dare to share this to anyone, really

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But...am I? Well, if you share this to someone then your life is probably over? Not really

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Maybe they will just think I am overreacting or just playing victim

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Yeah so who to share this to? What? Grammatical error so stupid

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Nah you wrote a lot of grammatical errors

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Alright then, fair enough

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You are arguing with yourself and it makes you look dumb

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Well its not like I can be dumber than I already am

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If you are genuinely insane, then you probably should try to bang your head to nearby wall and see how it goes

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What? Nothing?

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What did you expect?

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

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Long Live the Princess

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Its supposed to be her birthday

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You cant give anything to her now, you are useless pathetic servant

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Try to be useful to her sometimes

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Have I calmed down? Let's just...sleep and see what kind of whacky dream I would get

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Or that weird sound of bells ringing in your head out of nowhere? I told you I were hallucinating weirdly

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Do we need to ask permission to the moon and the stars?

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Listen stupid, stop pretending like you are sick or insane or anything. You dont deserve any more attention

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Like, I would dare you to even send this to someone, just one, from the class. If you did...

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It will destroy my social life that I dont have in the first place

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Great

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Nyan should sign up for that one thing that kept flying around the clouds towards Sirius

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Babbling nonsense, stop

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But really, Long Live the Princess

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Will she appreciate you in this current state? Doesnt she want you to be happy too for your own sake?

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Well, thats among one command I cant fulfill

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I am happy for her sake

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...she doesnt know and she should never know this state of me

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Unless she demand me to tell her

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Do I need salvation from the moon? Or the star?

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Where, and when

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It makes less and less sense

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Die for the princess, live for the princess

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but who is your princess?

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...well its her?

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but does she really acknoweldge you? does she ever utilize your possible usefullness to her?