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Something you should know about me is that I really don’t like popcorn.
Everyone else seems to love it at movies or parties, but I can’t stand the smell or the way it gets stuck in my teeth.
If you ever hang out with me, don’t bother offering popcorn—I’ll say no thanks.

But something I do love is my guinea pigs.
I have two of them, and their names are Mr. Brown and Dash.
Mr. Brown is calm and chill, but Dash runs around like he’s in a race all the time.
They make little squeaky noises when they want food, and I think it’s funny.
Taking care of them is part of my everyday life, and they always make me smile.

So yeah, if you want to know one quick thing about me:
No popcorn, but yes to guinea pigs.

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I like to surf i like to go skateboard and hang out with my friends and I like to go play basketball and we pick up our friends.

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Something You Should Know" by Bear foyle

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Something You Should Know" by Bear foyle

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Something you should know is I love the beach. Perhaps I love every beach. I love surfing at the beach, I also like bogie boarding and bodysurfing too. perhaps I love swimming a lot too. I love going through caves a lot with my dad, I love fishing too and spear fishing as well. That is the things you should know.

My Revisions

I tried out the perhaps move by loving every beach

I also tried out the perhaps in my sentence because I wanted to say I like swimming too.

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Something you should know about basketball
it’s late nights, fast breaks, and giving your all. It’s missing a shot, but taking it back,
it’s pushing yourself to stay on track.

The courts where I clear my head and play,
Basketball’s part of me every day.

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Something you should know about me is that I love to surf, skateboard, and hang out with my friends

Perhaps I will do something else, perhaps I'll go to the beach and jump off the Rocks

Perhaps I would surf after school, and it would be peaceful and fun

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Something that you should know is that I love playing video games.

Perhaps I will play the same ones forever and ever.

Perhaps I will try new ones.

video games are my time to get away, my peace and my silence.

id play them all day if I could, I would.

Video games, after the day, less than a minute away, id like to play, my fun for the day

Video games, my peace and my silence

O, video games, my peace and my silence

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Something you should know about me is that I love fishing. Being out on the water makes me feel calm and focused. I’ve learned that fishing takes patience you can’t just expect to catch something right away. Sometimes you sit for hours before anything bites, but when it finally happens, it feels rewarding. Fishing also taught me to enjoy the quiet moments, because they matter just as much as the big catches.

My revision: I tried out new words

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Something you should know by Saezen Souza

Something you should know about me is that I'm a bodyboarder. But I also am sponsered by the pro brand Hubboards. Even though I'm still a Jr pro I look forward to compete in the world tour in bodyboarding. On the world tour my dream is to win a world title and represent Hawaii. This makes me feel like I'm going to have to put in a lot of time and effort. If this comes hard and stressful I promised myself to not quit and keep going. Plus I have my friends and family supporting my journey so I cant fail them. Perhaps it might take a long and perhaps it might take hard work but that's okay because with hard work comes good reward.

I cleared up some of the run on sentences and put more flowing words.

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Something you should know about me is that my passion is to act, sing, and dance, which makes me feel happy and comfortable. Perhaps I can be a great actress, perhaps I can be a better singer, and dancer through acting. But I am excited for what's next.

My Revisions

I repeated a word twice, which was perhaps

I cut out a lot of things from my draft.

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Something you should know about me is that I love to draw and write, but I don't enjoy reading as much. I feel that reading a book can be interesting in various ways, don't get me wrong. But it's just that I need to find the right one that catches my eye.

Writing has its way of expressing your thoughts and feelings. Drawing is showing what you see, and how you can make it real. And it's of your imagination in both drawing and writing, so you can have some fun with it as you go along.

But that's not just about me. I love to play softball, and over the years I have been playing for about 5 1/2 years now. Playing for all those years, I would say, makes me feel a bit overworked when I play, like I always think that I need to be better and put myself down.

But overall, in general, I hate the way that I think about myself. I always overthink everything that I do. Softball gave me my ups and downs, like recently, over the summer, I went to Utah for a tournament, and we did pretty badly in the beginning, but towards the end, we battled till we got to the championship, but we got second place.

I knew that we were very hyped in the last inning, up by one. But errors were made that I couldn't do anything about, since it wasn't me playing the position. And I was upset at the fact that we got 2nd place, and I blamed myself for not doing enough. When what I did was enough for myself and the team.

Perhaps, if I didn't put myself down so much, it would help me realize that I am good at my level. Perhaps it's the way that I try to cope in stressful situations, since I don't know how to calm myself down properly.

My revisions

I changed my writing, switching things around so it would make sense in a shorter version

I put in repetition

I added more description to my story.

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Something You Should Know About Me - Kaimanahiwalani A. Kaleimamahu

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Something You Should Know About Me - Kaimanahiwalani A. Kaleimamahu

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Something you should know about me is that I am a big family person. Yes, I may have friends, and perhaps sometimes I may prefer to hang out with them from time to time. But overall, I'd rather spend time with my family than spend time with anyone else. Especially, getting to know the family I haven't seen since I was a baby. Seeing my family and being with them just makes life worth it. Like, I wouldn't trade anything for time with my family. Even if it's just an hour. Because I feel like family is more important than anything in life. One thing I would say I am proudly living for is my angels, my family I lost. I may have some days where I am going through stuff, but I believe they are there, standing by me, helping me through it.

My Revisions:

I tried out using "Perhaps."

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Something you should know about me is that I'm more of an outdoors person than an indoors person. I realized that being inside all day feels like I am stuck in a cage and disconnected from the world around me.

This summer, I discovered that I am happier while outdoors in the sun. Whether it is paddling during regatta season, park days with my friends, or body boarding at the beach.

These last few weeks of summer were the best I've ever had. Which made me feel happier than ever.

Perhaps it's not only good for my health to be active, but for my mental health too. Perhaps I should be open to new things.

Revisions: I expanded my writing and added figurative language.

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I like to play games is fortnight and i get the win and roblox and i will have robux and i like to play apax moble and go play basketball and never play i don't git pick up

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Something you should know about me - eames

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Something you should know about me - eames

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Something you should know about me is that I always do my best to make others' days a little bit nicer.

While in line at the vending machine, I let others go before me in line. While taking a walk outside, if I notice someone is looking like they're having a bad day and not smiling, I'll give them mine. While at school, I like to give others compliments even if I don't know them.

Even though all of these things are small, you never know what people are going through. Perhaps, they are having a bad day. Perhaps they are not feeling good about themselves.

Whatever they are going through, I know from experience that it always feels good when someone is kind to you, and what I want to do is give others that feeling.

My Revisions

Changed the whole story from being about saving Christmas to this.

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Something You Should Know by Thalia Rogers

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Something You Should Know by Thalia Rogers

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Something you should know about me is that I have a passion for art.

It visualizes someone's mind; it comes from the heart.

Although I always thought it would be impossible for me.

Until, in 5th grade, I came to a start!

I learned about digital drawing.

Anyone's ideas could be poured onto a glass canvas with the convenience of an iPad and an Apple Pencil.

I was trying to climb up the same ladder, thinking I could skip rungs.

But then, I started to lose my grip.

I realized you couldn’t skip steps.

I closed my mind, thinking that I just wasn’t born for this passion.

Art.

But then, after a year of fears and tears, bigger problems than my dillema with art…

There was a calm after the storm.

June.

I re-opened my mind.

Without as much worry about school work and responsibilities, I had time to delve back into my interests for a little while.

No, I didn’t just start drawing again, for I knew it would lack style!

I learned, and learned and learned.

About others' art.

Techniques, styles, stories, possibilities.

I returned to the idea of heart.

My journey isn’t over, for there is still much to learn about the techniques and machinations.

Perhaps.. With a little time, I could become smart.

Like the others I admired.

Perhaps…I had the heart, but not the mind.

But the thing about art is that it’s both.

Revisions:

I transformed my Freewrite into a rhyming poem

I picked more impactful words like “passion”

I included literary devices like repetition and contrast

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Something You Should Know-Ayzrie Peralta

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Something You Should Know-Ayzrie Peralta

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Family is my everything, but my cousin has a special part. Every birthday, Christmas, and New Year's has been spent together. We are always at each other's volleyball games and are supporting each other. We have countless inside jokes. Which makes me feel happy because I know I will always have someone to count on. It's funny because when we are at family events, they will ask, "Where is your twin?". Perhaps without her, I wouldn't be the person I am today. Perhaps we will always be the ones trying to make a serious moment funny.

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"Something you should know" by Brooklyn 

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"Something you should know" by Brooklyn 

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Something you should know about me is that I love to learn new talents. Some talents I have already learned is crochet, piano, guitar, ukulele, basketball, volleyball, and crafting. Some talents I would like to learn are electric guitar, bass guitar, flute, dancing and writing songs which makes me feel excited and determined to keep improving. Perhaps, I'll be able to start learning one of these skills soon. Perhaps one day, learning one of these skills could take me somewhere I never imagined I could go. Who knows?
My Revisions
I tried out using strong word choice (determined)

I tried out using (repetition)
I also tried out adding the word determined in my 4th sentence because I wanted to show how much I want to keep moving forward in learning talents

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i like to play Fortnite because it is a addicting game and I have a problem with connecting with people on my game and being friends to fast.

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Something you should know about me by Jax

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Something you should know about me by Jax

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Something you should know about me is that I want to be a good friend towards everyone and make them feel valued and seen. Whether its a joke, a "whats good", or a "hey" it could be enough to make someones day. And as a friend, I want others to think that to be themselves is okay. lastly heres a take, theres no need to be fake, this is our school to remake, a place where we care, and kindess won't break, a place where were real with eachother and truly awake (awake and sensitive to others)

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Something You Should Know

I love the ocean, no matter which beach I visit. The sea is my happy place. It clears my mind and makes me feel free. As soon as me and the water meet, I can feel my worries wash away with the tide. I dread the moment I have to leave, but until then, I cherish every moment I spend there. I know that even when I have to go, I can always return because the ocean will always be there for me.

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Something you should know about me is that I traveled to Iceland. For two weeks, I had to stay in a place that was a cold, windy ice-scape. And yet it was the best fun I have ever had. Dog sledding was the most fun. The dogs were as fluffy as pillows and, surprisingly, were still warm. Perhaps I could learn something from them. Perhaps I could learn that even in the toughest of environments, if other intelligent lifeforms still thrive, then so can we. Even at the bottom of the ocean, even in the cold vacuum of space, some form of life will still live on.

I put a metaphor in my story by saying, "The dogs were as fluffy as pillows."

I also put in "even in the toughest of environments, if other intelligent lifeforms still thrive, then so can we," because it shows that even if the world is ending, life will still live on, somewhere in the universe.

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Something you should know is that I feel like my ENTIRE life is revolved around Percy Jackson books. Well, any book by Rick Riordan, he is my favorite author of all time. One of my favorite series by Rick Riordan is "Percy Jackson and the Olympians". Favorite books from this series is book 3 " The Titans Curse" and book 4 " The Battle of the Labyrinth". I like "The Titans Curse" because we get introduced to Nico and Bianca Di'angelo. Thalia Grace is back and my most favorite parts of the book we get hints of PERCABETH I mean Percy cares so deeply about Annabeth and is so intent on finding her that he sneaks out of camp and follows and interfers witha QUEST and every demi-god knows that is a big NO-NO. I Also like " The Titans Curse" because ANNABETH HOLDS THE SKY UP FOR 20 HOURS BY HERSELF i mean THE SKY!!!!! This makes me feel so well WOAH holding up the SKY is a job for Atlas A TITAN not A DEMIGOD the actual GODS couldn't even it almost DESTROYED ARTEMIS A GODDESS!!!! I know Percy held it up but for only like 5 minutes and then they tricked Atlas into holding it again. I also like " The Battle of the Labryinth" because Percy goes Ogygia and meets Calypso and its SO sad when Percy has to leave Calypso. But it is AMAZING WHEN Percy and Annabeth KISSS ON THE LIPS FOR THE FIRST TIME!!!!! I also like the Hero's of Olympius series a continuation series by Rick Riordan I love book 3 of the series "The Mark of Athena" and book 4 of the series "The House of Hades". "The Mark of Athena" Is an AMAZING book because Percy and Annabethh reunite finally after 6 long MONTHS and they kiss and Annabeth Judo flips Percy, they sneak away and uncle Rick gives us a " we were just talking and so happened to fall asleep just the two of us together" with Percy and Annabeth. I mean all good things....Perhaps "The Mark of Athena" is my LEAST favorite as well as one of my favorites in the series because after Percy and Annabeth reunite finally Rick Riordan THROWS THEM IN TARTARUS AND GIVES US A CLIFFHANGER!!!! But in "The House of Hades" we see their journey across Tartarus and Hazel ( another main character in " The Hero's of Olympus " series ) get better at her control over The Mist and become one of the most powerful mist users at her age. Honestly, Rick Riordans books are my Roman Empire, I mean its like the way Percy feels about Camp Halfblood and the way Reyna feels about Camp Jupiter. That's how I feel about these books.

REVISIONS: I checked my punctuations and Capitalizations. I also Used Metaphors and Similie's

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Something you should know about me is that I enjoy writing. Most students hate writing, but to me, writing helps me express my feelings. It's like opening a window in my mind. It lets my thoughts and feelings come out so I can see them. I can write on for days. Perhaps let's use it in this term. To me, since we are comparing to a window, some days the window will be filled with joy, sunshine, and happiness. On other days, it can be cloudy, stormy, and somewhat unhappy. Some things I write about are sports. Sports can be very overwhelming. You have so many expectations from parents, coaches, teammates, and college coaches. Coaches are a big one. My coach expects a lot from me, but sometimes I push myself too hard, which constantly keeps me irritated. One mistake is like a million mistakes in one. But that's a story for another day. Something that makes me happy that I write about is friends. I never had a hard time making friends growing up, and that is a blessing. When I first sat down at school, I clicked instantly with people around me, and I will always be grateful for that. When I get older, I wanna write my book, I am still wondering what it would be about. But for sports, I wanna go pro and move to the mainland... perhaps then I will start my writing career.

REVISE:

Some things I revised are using the word perhaps, I added a little metaphor here and there, and I added more description of my actual topic I was talking about.

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Something you should know by Aiden Reyes

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Something you should know by Aiden Reyes

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Something you should know about me is that I'm usually really hard to wake up in the morning, even though an alarm clock rings or a rooster that is crowing at six in the morning. I also beg my mom to let me go on the VR because I can only go on the VR on the weekends. I will be like," I will massage your legs for 30 minutes if you let me go on the VR for 30 minutes, got it?" This makes me happy because I get to go on the VR and make some new friends or even meet up with some of my friends I already have. What makes me annoyed is that a rooster came into our neighborhood a couple of days ago, and it keeps crowing from 6 in the morning to 2 in the afternoon. Perhaps I can lock up the sliding doors and window so I don't hear the rooster. pershaps i can just simply ignore the rooster. Like the saying goes," A rooster only crows only when it sees light. Put him in the dark, and he will never crow again."

Revisions:

I added the saying A rooster only crows only when it sees light. Put him in the dark, and he will never crow again.

I also changed the 1 in the moring part to 6 in the moring at the top

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Something You Should Know By Easton Nisewonger

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Something You Should Know By Easton Nisewonger

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I play football,
But my team is really bad,
We fumble the ball,
And it makes me feel sad.

We’ve only won once,
Back in week two,
And honestly, I think
It shocked the whole crew.

Perhaps they gave up,
Their spirits ran low,
While I kept on pushing
Through rain, mud, or sun’s heat aglow.

Coach shouts from the side,
But the message falls short,
Our plays are a mess,
And we don’t pull flags like that.

Practice is quiet,
No fire in the drills,
Except for a few
Still chasing the thrills.

Parents check phones,
Just wishing the end was near.

But I lace up my cleats
Every day just the same,
Because win or lose,
I still love the game.

When the ball hits my hands,
And the field closes tight,
For a moment, I’m flying
With everyone beside.

I dodge and spin,
I hear my heart pound,
Even if no one
Is cheering around.

While heads all hang low,
I whisper, “Next time,
We’ll give them a show.”

When you’re deep in a dig,
You don’t quit the fight.

We may not be stars,
But we’ll give it our might.

Someday I’ll look back,
On the sweat and the pain,

On cold morning sprints,
And the runs in the rain.

I’ll remember the feeling
Of giving it more,
Because effort’s a treasure
That no one can ignore.

So I’ll keep on playing
Through bad and through worse,
For the love of the game
And the strength in the verse.

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something you should know about me by Dylan

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something you should know about me by Dylan

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I have a little dog named Yoda. I love him, but he whines a lot and barks a lot. Perhaps he is sometimes afraid. Perhaps he misses us when we leave. He loves to play and run.

The revisions i made were i added perhaps

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While summer makes me happy,

It can also make me sad.

From excitement and anticipation,

To the unreadiness for the year to come.

In the two months of freedom that are gifted to me,

I feel an almost endless thread of joy.

I feel grateful for the gift bestowed upon me,

And I try to cherish it while I can.

But sometimes I feel like a dog.

Only free for the hour we spend at the park.

Constantly trying to find a way to make the time last longer.

While I don't mind being home,

I can't help hiding and running, and fleeing with my friends,

Trying not to be caught by the leashes of obligation and the indoors.

Mostly not wanting the time to end.

Perhaps I'm an autumn leaf not wanting to stray from my tree.

Perhaps the sight of summer joy fading farther and farther as I free-fall is the reason.

The golden source of fun and freedom, as sweet as sap escaping your grasp.

But like most golden things, summer ends, and the leash is back.

You finally hit the ground.

In a way, I feel like the leaf, unable to change what happens.

When the tree releases you, you have no other choice but to fall back to the ground.

But I also feel like the dog, knowing that this fun and joy will repeat the next day.

Obediently going back into the endless loop of the year, Content with the time I had.

So yes, while summer makes me happy,

It can also make me sad.

When the happiness and excitement come to an end,

It's "Back to my duties I go."

My Revisions:

I ended up making my draft into a poem.

I also tried to add an emotional response to my poem.

Lastly, I tried to use strong word choices.

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 Something you should know by Kaiya Ichimura

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 Something you should know by Kaiya Ichimura

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Something you should know about me is that I do gymnastics. I practice 5 days a week for 4 hours. My coach pushes me very hard on my routines. We do a lot of condtioning at the end and beginning of practice. I was injured for about two months or more. I am still trying to get all of my regular stuff that I would usually do. It was hard to get my skills back but I will try my best and whatever it takes to get better. Which makes me feel very preshured for how much work I am going to put into this. But if I want to get better I am going to need to try. My coaches will be trying to help me as much as they can. Perhaps if I try hard enough I will get my skills back. Perhaps when I get my skills back I can do level 9 and not do level 8 again

I tried the word "perhaps"

I also tried strong word choice

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Somthing you should know about me is that I love playing the piano and helping others when needed. But also loveee playing the piano for Jesus. Me and my friend Koa really sweet and mindful friend has helped me over the years with playing and it has really helped me wanting to get into new instruments like the cojon(it is like a beat box you hit it and it makes like a cool beat), the piano i have played for years and want to play it all my life, and the getuiar I want to learn how to play it but I do not have the time for it and need to get back on track. The wonderful person who got me started with piano is Mrs.Tazono she is wonderful person of god and loves teaching others her talent. One time her studant Owen really sweet young boy I want to play just like him but it took many years and over time I got a little bit jeolus. Perhaps i was thinking to myself i just need to practice more perhaps I just need somemore guidance and perhaps I would be better in playing the piano and that is when it clikked i was so blessed to hear that thought in my head and today I am great in the piano and always learning new things with my firend Koa and my piano teacher Mrs.Tazono.

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Something you should know about me by Miriam Chamlee

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Something you should know about me by Miriam Chamlee

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Something you should know about me is that I love a lot of things. I love hula, because it makes me feel so happy! I love drawing, and I have amazing skills! I love reading, because it makes me smarter. I love sleeping because it makes me feel so relaxed. I love watching TV, specifically My Hero Academia, or Anime. I love hanging out with my dog because she has an IQ of -100,000, and it's fun to tease her. I also love strawberries and cherries, because they're so delicious! I love performing hula performances, because they're so much fun! I have been dancing hula for almost four years! I don't ever plan on quitting. The hui I dance for is Hui O Ka Uluwehi! I have many friends, and I love and accept all of them! Perhaps I should try a new activity? Email me to recommend a new sport at mchamlee1866@myhta.org! (PLEASE no surfing!!) Byeeee <3

REVISIONS: I tried out using the word "Perhaps"

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Something you should know about me is that I love to play volleyball. But in volleyball, I hope to make it far and get on TV. For high school, I want to play for Kamehameha. I also really hope to play in college. I would be honored to play for the UH Wahines. After college, I hope to play at the pro level. Which makes me feel very happy, and it releases stress. Volleyball also makes me feel more confident about myself and just generally in some situations. But there are not only positive things about volleyball, though. Volleyball also has some negatives. Some of those negatives are making you feel tired and sometimes a little less confident. But some people will feel less confident because they are benched, don't get playing time, or their surroundings aren't supporting them. We as a team all support each other, but sometimes parents will put them down and say rude things like "you aren't good enough, you have to..., why didn't you...". But does our team expose their feelings? Not all of their feelings, they only show the good side of them. Once you get to know them more. Perhaps, they will start trusting you and will tell you a lot more about themselves. Perhaps you could become someone positive and help boost their confidence. I was the person who helped boost people's confidence when they were being dragged down. That's also a thing I would like you to know about me: I'm a positive and helpful person. Another very possible way people lose self-confidence in playing volleyball is due to a lack of playing time. Perhaps you don't get as much playing time as you wish for, you start to get mad, stressed, or worried/curious. Perhaps you could feel less confident and/or not good enough. I have felt that way before, but did I let that bother me? No, instead of being mad, my parents and teammates supported me. But what I did was practice more, harder, and practice the days I was off. So the results led to me being a starter and captain the next season.

My Revisions

I tried out the repetition move by adding perhaps 3 times to 3 sentences. I included perhaps at the beginning of two sentences, one after the other.

I also tried out different word choices in multiple sentences because I wanted to make my writing/story sound stronger and more professional.

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Something you should know about me, by Olivia

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Something you should know about me, by Olivia

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Something you should know about me is that I love snow and winter. I love the way the snow falls from the sky and the way the snowflakes melt on my tongue. I love the way the pretty white coats the greens of the trees. I don't like the heat very much, and love the cold (which is a reason I love winter). I love the memories made in the beauty of the snow. The taste of hot chocolate on a cold snowy day is like peace after a long fight, for the winter it's the heat of spring. Since I was little I've always admired the snow. Christmas is in the winter and brings everyone together to spend quality time with one another, which I love. Which makes me feel happy and warm inside. Even with the cold of winter, it brings memories and joy. When I moved here I started to miss the snow (I already had in Texas after the snow in 2020). I think about it sometimes and the way it brought such a beautiful shade of white to the land. Perhaps it's the way I smile and laugh with others as we watch the snow fall. Perhaps it's the fun in building Snowmans and having fun in the snow; but I know snow brings people together in happiness and peace, even if it ends the pretty greens of spring and melts away when summer comes. Even so, while it's there, it's beautiful and a season full of joy.

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something you should  know by Gavin Berger

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something you should  know by Gavin Berger

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My favorite pet is Lilikoi, a golden retriever. Something you should know about me is that I enjoy surfing. My favorite place to surf is Vland because it has a lot of barrels. which makes me feel happy and excited. It is super fun surfing VLand because all of my friends surf there. Perhaps I like 1,000 more surf spots. I like Sunset Beach because I live close to the surf spot.

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Something you should know about me is that I enjoy talking to people. I enjoy talking about my dogs, school, home, or anything else with people. I love it when people listen to me blabber about random things. I love it when people agree with me when I start talking about something. When I start talking, it's hard for me to stop talking. Even when someone else is talking, I'm always thinking about what I could say to respond to that or emphasize it. When people listen to me, it makes me feel heard and worth listening to; it also makes me feel happy because they're taking the time out of their day to listen to me. Perhaps if I wrote down all my thoughts in a book, I would be able to voice my thoughts even when no one is with me or listening. Perhaps if I were more extroverted, I would be able to talk to people I haven't talked to before, even if it is a complex thing to do.

I used a strong word choice by adding words like complex and emphasize.

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Something you should know about me is that I'm a chill, friendly, and kind person. I enjoy spending time with my family, including playing cards, mini 8 ball, and watching movies. Which makes me feel happy, perhaps it makes me feel curious because when I watch movies, I don't know what's gonna happen, but me I wonder what's gonna happen. Perhaps it makes me feel mad because I always lose in card games.

What I did was when I used perhaps, I changed how I felt when spending time with my family

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Something you should know about me is that I have been playing piano ever since I was 3. As soon as I started playing, I soon found out; It was magical, without a doubt. As soon as I played my first note, it was so beautiful, I wrote. Perhaps Piano may be hard; Perhaps Piano for some is as easy as folding a card. Piano: Tis the best musical art, and to learn it, you must play with all your heart.

I tried to use rhyming words, like 3 and me, but it was kind of hard to find a lot of rhyming words.

I also tried to make the last sentence sound as cool as possible.

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Something you should know is that my entire life has been mostly near-death experiences. For example, let's look back to when I almost died because of a singular cashew. It was around ten at night, and I had stayed up late. I saw my dad watching TV, eating nuts, so I asked if I could try a cashew. However, I had been so fascinated with trying out cashews that I forgot that I had a severe nut allergy. So, idiotically, I ate the cashew. I didn't realize at first, but I was already showing signs of early anaphylaxis. My throat was getting tight, I had rashes all over my body, and I threw up. However, I ignored these signs and went back to sleep. Not even an hour later, my dad had realized that he had given his own child something that his child was deathly allergic to. So, he woke me up and drove me to the hospital. I almost fell asleep many times on the way there, so he was yelling at me to stay up. When we got there, they rushed me to a room immediately and began to give me fluids and epinephrine. I think they accidentally missed my vein like five times because my wrist had become bruised. Also, I felt indecently exposed to the outside world when I walked to the bathroom in the ER because they gave me those types of gowns that don't cover your butt. So, my dad had to cover me. It was like being a hermit crab without its shell. Anyways, then I got discharged 12 hours later and came home to my mom deeply hugging me. Perhaps that's when I became afraid of nuts. Perhaps I was not the one who caused my own near-death experience.

I used repetition and a metaphor.

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Something you should know about me by Danyca

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Something you should know about me by Danyca

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Something you should know about me is that I have been playing volleyball since I was 4, and I love it; it's a sport that shapes me not just physically but mentally. I've never been so dedicated to something as I am to volleyball. It was the thing that helped me zone out and forget all my worries and troubles. When I would play volleyball, even if it was a 1v1 or a peppering practice by myself, I loved it. Whenever practice was over, it was like my tiredness went away. I wanted to practice more. I would beg my family members to keep playing with me. The desire to improve and continue playing drove me. Volleyball isn't just a sport for me. It motivates me, which makes me feel driven, like I have a reason to keep going. Without volleyball, my grades would probably be lower than it is. It makes me feel hyped and like there's an aura around me. It sometimes makes my body loosen up, and I just let my body play and take me. The movement and sound when your arms and hands cuff the ball. The satisfaction of successfully hitting the ball. Perhaps it's the joy of volleyball I have. Perhaps it's the connection I have with volleyball.

My revisions: stronger word choice, Deeper connection, Punctuation. Instead of enjoyment, I put satisfaction to bring more emotion.

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by Messiah

Something you should know about me is that I have a passion for video games. It is one of my biggest hobbies, and it has helped me socialize with people. I use video games to relieve stress; though they can make me feel less stressed, they can also make me feel more stressed. Video games are what I do to cure my boredom and creativity. If I didn't have video games, I think I wouldn't be as social with people. I also think that if I didn't have video games, I would probably be sleeping all day. A life without video games is a life of just continuous work with no breaks. I strongly encourage you to take a break and play some video games if you're stressed. Perhaps you should try some video games! Maybe you should also try making a video game.

I used Metaphor, and strong words

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I have a lot of stage fright. I have a fear of small spaces. I play a lot of games, my favorite color is red, and my favorite animal is a raccoon. I like playing with friends in video games, but I am an introvert. My favorite game is Roblox I try using metaphors for my sentences

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Something you should know about me is that I’m very athletic. I participate in sports like outrigger paddling and pickleball. Additionally, I enjoy going on 2-mile runs with my mom before our Zoom classes and occasionally on Mondays before I start my homework. I also love spending time in nature, particularly hiking on trails like Aiea Loop Trail or Waimea Valley. Furthermore, I enjoy spending time with family and friends at the beach. My favorite beaches are Pokai Bay, Waimea Bay, Sharks Cove, and Nimitz. These places help me feel connected to the people around me and the island. Perhaps you may think that I must be overworking myself and not getting enough rest. Perhaps I shall see if I'm not getting enough rest, or rather benefiting my health.

I added repetition (perhaps x2)

Tried adding stronger word choice.

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Something You Should Know About Me-Gianna Love

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Something You Should Know About Me-Gianna Love

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Something you should know about me is that I have a passion for drawing and painting. I usually draw in my free time. I rarely ever paint, but whenever I do, I focus and put all of my effort into it. I enjoy using clay to create figures, animals, plants, and other objects, and then painting them. Painting and drawing makes me feel calm, relaxed, and peaceful. I like to draw whenever I'm stressed to keep my mind off it. I mostly draw people, cartoons, and animals. Perhaps doing other forms of art is calming, too. Perhaps making jewelry, papercraft, origami, or using a hot glue gun to make something crafty.

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Something you should know about me is that I hate guinea pigs, but I have one. His name is Mr. brown, but we call him Browny. He likes to bite, but he's a very loving one. I also don't like popcorn. I don't like the way it melts on my tongue; it makes me feel like my tongue is going numb. It makes me feel like someone just put a needle in my tongue. Perhaps I'll learn to like it, or perhaps I won't. I don't know. Sometimes I like popcorn, sometimes I don't

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Stephen's "Something You Should Know About Me"

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Stephen's "Something You Should Know About Me"

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Something you should know about me is that I like my family like roots to the ground. I also like fun things, like when I went bowling yesterday. I also like playing video games. I like playing them with my sister too. Which makes me feel happy and content. It makes me feel like I want the day to happen again and again till the end of eternity. Perhaps it is the amount of fun I had those days. Perhaps it is because my family is there.

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Penelope's "something you should know about me"

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Penelope's "something you should know about me"

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Something you should know about me is that I'm a big music nerd. I've been doing music since I was a small child and have always enjoyed it. Music has always been a big passion for me and is what got me into a lot of other things. Music is an important part of my life, and it makes me feel happy. Perhaps I got into music because I listened to a lot of nursery rhymes (like twinkle twinkle little star and Mary and a little lamb), when I was little in daycares, and grew to like them. Perhaps it's because I just enjoy singing and writing things like songs. In the end though, music is important to me.

I tried referencing nostalgic things like nursery rhymes.

I also tried to be descriptive in my writing, about why I like music.

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Something you should know about me is that I love playing outside with my dad. Sometimes I feel like a pillow, so punchable, because whenever we play outside, I'm always getting hurt by the football, which is fine because it doesn't last, but something that makes me feel happy is when our family comes over and we all play outside together, which this makes me feel happy that we all get to spend time with one another and we all get to play with each other. Perhaps we could do this more often, and we all play outside together. Perhaps they could start to come outside more often.

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Something you should know about me is that I really love strawberries.

My Revisions: Something I tried to do was I tried to get rid of repeated sentences, and instead of using those repeated sentences, I tried to replace them with sentences that have more emotion, for example, Me and strawberries are like a bee to a flower, they both go perfectly together, and so on. I tried to use more metaphors (comparing oneself with something else)

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something you should know about me- Zayne

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something you should know about me- Zayne

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Something you should know about me is that I love games. Roblox is my passion. I play Roblox everyday to get better. Which makes me feel happy, joyful,yet lonely. I learned things from Roblox like what in a petrol and diesel engine. Roblox is very fun and safe. Perhaps if other people like me play Roblox they will enjoy it too. Perhaps maybe Roblox isn't for everyone but it is awesome for me.

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Something you should know about me is that I have been playing piano ever since I was 3. As soon as I started playing, I soon found out; It was magical, without a doubt. As soon as I played my first note, it was so beautiful, I wrote. Piano: Tis the best musical art, and to learn it, you must play with all your heart.

I tried to use rhyming words, like 3 and me, but it was kind of hard to find a lot of rhyming words.

I also tried to make the last sentence sound as cool as possible.

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Something you should know about me is that I fidget a lot. At one point, I fidgeted with my writing pen so much that I somehow learned how to spin it. And now I unconsciously spin my pen so much that I forgot how not to spin my pen, and I'm afraid to stop spinning my pen. When I start to get fidgety and spin my pen, everybody is okay with it and accepts it more than when I didn't spin my pen. And I got so used to fidgeting with my pen and being accepted. To me, fidgeting is something I can't control anymore, like when a song plays and your body starts dancing. Perhaps I could try and go back to the original me, where I didn't fidget, but it will feel like when a mosquito bites you and your mom tells you not to scratch, it's like a shackle holding you down. Perhaps if I don't worry about what other people think, I won't be afraid to stop spinning my pen.

Revision: I added a metaphor that goes throughout the whole writing. I hope that you can understand it!

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Something you should know is that I love to help my community, even in the smallest ways. When I was about 5 years old, I started doing community service, and it made me feel happy to know I was helping others. At first, I wasn’t sure if I liked it because my parents encouraged me to join these kinds of events, or if it was because I truly enjoyed it myself. But as I got older, I realized it was something I really wanted to keep doing. Helping others makes me feel proud and gives me a sense of purpose. I enjoy meeting new people and seeing the smiles on their faces when we do something kind for them. Even small acts, like picking up trash or handing out food, can make a big difference. My hope is to keep finding ways to give back for the rest of my life.

My revisions:

Added new sentences, Simplified wording for clarity, Improved flow and structure (organized the sentences ect.)

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Something you should know about me is that I love to travel, and I love to discover new places. The thing is that I don't like flying in an airplane. It is just boring, long, and I get antsy. But the destination is always worth it in the end. I haven't been to a lot of unique places. I have been to Oregon, Las Vegas, Palmdale, Long Beach, San Diego, and Japan. I am very thankful to be able to visit these destinations. Because sometimes people can't afford to travel a lot and visit new places. I also really want to travel to Florida, Texas, and Korea are on my bucket list. Perhaps, in the future, when I am older, I will want to explore new places. Perhaps, when I have my future kids, I would like them to experience traveling at a young age as I did in life.

My Revisions:

I tried out using stronger word choices, like instead of grateful, I used thankful. Instead of different, I used unique.

I also tried out shortening my writing a bit. Like cutting some sentences out and cutting not really important stuff.

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something you should know about me is by Connor Sumang

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something you should know about me is by Connor Sumang

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Something you should know about me is that I like to listen to music like Michael Jackson, Jackson 5, rap, and jazz in my free time. The music makes me feel calm, and when I have both earphones on with max volume, it's better like you're in your own world with the music, and when I'm on a bike ride by myself, I listen to music with the wind blowing in my face, it's like you're in an F1 racetrack with the music blasting in your ear.

I made it so that the reader can feel like they are actually there

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Something you should know about me is that I am a huge fan of One Piece, and I can't get enough of it. The animation style is addictive and SUPER eye-catching. I especially love how the animation style progresses over the years and gets more fluent and just in all a LOT better. The flashing colors during the fights steal your attention away immediately. Perhaps the animators thought of this tactic and decided that they would use this for future development. Perhaps it isn't; nobody really knows other than them.

Revisions: I added more to make it longer, and I added better word choices.

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Something  You should know about me (Milan G) is that

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Something  You should know about me (Milan G) is that

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I love to read. I like genres such as, realistic-fiction, and thriller books. Two of my favorite authors are Gordon Korman and Stuart Gibbs. Reading books to me is a good way to spend my free time and you can learn a lot of stuff from books. A book series I would want to read is, " The Naturals". My favorite books or book series right now is " Spy School" By Stuart Gibbs. Perhaps I can get into more genres of books like history or geography books. Perhaps I can gradually read more every day.

My Revisions

I changed my topic from traveling to books.

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Something you should know. By Jonah Wilkins

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Something you should know. By Jonah Wilkins

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Something you should know is that I have an unhealthy video game addiction. I play video games too much. I feel like a shell of a person. It's hard for me not to. It puts me in a bad mood. I don't like who I am when I play too much. When I think about it, it makes me sick. They are fun, but not more important than family. It makes me feel like a jerk, mean, rude, sick, like a shell of a person that isn't fully there, miserable, and fearful. Perhaps I could play video games less, go outside more, be grateful, and be less rude. Perhaps I should take a long break and show the world who I am instead of a rude shell of a person.

I added a metaphor

And stronger word choices.

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Something that you should know about me is that I love playing Roblox! There are millions of games on Roblox that are pretty engaging for me. The best part is that I love seeing any genre of games. Whether it is low quality or high quality, I would probably play it either way. Another thing that I love about Roblox is the moderation. It checks every day if you follow the terms of service. And the ability to chat online with people makes Roblox more fun. The avatars on Roblox are the best part for me. I love cosplaying characters from shows or even movies! It shows your imagination and creativity put into that avatar. Perhaps, if the Roblox community can be nicer and play fair for younger players, it could be packed with players who admire Roblox.

Revisions

I removed unnecessary words.

I even tried to check for run-on sentences.

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something you should know-revised by Sydney Berry

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something you should know-revised by Sydney Berry

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I love plants and will ALWAYS love plants because I have flowers, veggies, and fruits.I love having my garden because when my sister and I get to eat the cucumbers, they're SOOOO tasty and good. I like gardening because it's something to get me off my phone and get outside more often.My parents love eating the 200000000 types of lettuce I have in my garden, and my brother likes eating all of strawberries blueberries. Oranges are rare, but he still likes to eat them sometimes. I also enjoy gardening and getting fresh veggies from the garden because they don't have chemicals on them and they've been in the dirt:) (yes, we still wash it.... we're not the crudes) I also like my garden because I'm able to give my friends and family some produce from my garden, which makes me very happy, I'm sad that HTA doesn'tsnt have a garden program :(

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By: Mila Ickes

Something you should know about me is that I am a big family person. My family is everything to me, even if I don't show it that much or make me feel a certain way. To me, family is like glue, messy at times, but it holds the pieces of your life together.

My family makes me feel a wide range of emotions, from happy to sad, ignored to loved, and even despised. I feel happiest when I'm with them because I have so many great memories that I will cherish forever.

Perhaps family is a garden of imperfect seeds, still blooming in their own time.

For my revisions, I added metaphors to make the text more engaging.

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Something you should know about me is that I have a variety of unusual hobbies, including seamonkeys and painting miniatures, among others. I also have three dogs, Leia, Odin, and Legend, but I had more before. I enjoy spending time at the beach with my family and friends, especially when we hang out together. I'm close to my soccer team as we always hang out and go to the beach alot and jump of rocks. One last thing is that I am planning on going to Waimea with a couple of my soccer friends.

My revisions, I tried using better words like in the sentence about my hobbies.

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" something you should know" By Lilly Berry

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" something you should know" By Lilly Berry

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Something you should know about me is that I love to play soccer. Soccer is the sport that I have the passion and the talent for the sport. I play for Hawaii Soccer Academy on the 14u team. Soccer is the sport I tried out for when I first moved to oahu, and Ive played for 3 different teams. My team and I like working together, and we talk a lot during practice, which is very fun. Perhaps I may get a soccer scholarship for college, perhaps ill play soccer until I cant anymore.

I tried out using the word perhaps in my sentence because I think it would put like a yes no maybe so on peoples faces like oh you might or wow thats awesome.

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Something you should know about me is that I feel like I have to be loud and funny, maybe somewhat annoying, to be noticed. I believe I'm not the quiet type of person. I enjoy talking to people and making them laugh, and I like it when they make me laugh, too.

My Revisions:

I don't believe that I'm always funny and messing around; I tend to be serious when it comes down to it.

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Zaney Martinez: Something you should know

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Zaney Martinez: Something you should know

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I would come from school, so excited when it was my father who picked me up

“Look at what I did dad!” “Guess what happened today dad!”

And “Im gonna need some help dad”

No matter what I said he would always listen

May not be looking at me but he's listening

We have gone through a lot

Maybe even too much

The things we have gone through makes me feel like I was stuck in a small tiny box

Getting smaller and smaller until it swallows me whole

But we’re still good

Yeah still good

Even then he listens

Ears open…eyes open

When I come home then the box gets bigger and bigger

As big as the house we live in

And all I can hear is “welcome home…welcome home”

As I flop onto my bed, feeling the cool blanket under me

As sleep starts to take me under its wing

Goodnight goodnight…I can't wait until we speak

And that's me and my dad, I talk, he listens

But now I'm free and I can talk without worry…

Goodnight goodnight…We don't have to feel the fright again

And I'm home…forever, and that's where my history ends, it doesn't get any better than that…

Perhaps, my dad has gotten tired of that

Perhaps my dad is just as relieved as I am

But we are still good

my Dearest dad...

I had tried out repition and added more emotional things to mkae it visual enough

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Something you should know about me is that sometimes I get attached to random things like a piece of a toy from my last day in San Diego or an apple from an airport store I never ate and pillow that had to be thrown away but was sad because I had it almost my whole life gone in a second, also in my last day In San Diego. This is no good because the things I keep accumulate but then I feel bad for them if I throw them away. Perhaps I will do this forever and ever, Perhaps I won't anymore and learn to let go faster.

Revisions: I added something emotional, removed 2 unrelated topics, used repetition and tweaked the topic to more about me.

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Something You Should know by Nehemiah McCallum

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Something You Should know by Nehemiah McCallum

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I have type 1 diabetes. Type 1 diabetes is something that doesn't have a cure. When the doctor told me the news, I felt helpless, like a sick baby bird with no one to rely on. Your pancreas stops working when you have T1D (Type 1 Diabetes). I can't eat without giving myself insulin because usually my pancreas would provide me with insulin. This makes me feel out of place, this makes me feel sad and scared of what might become of me. Perhaps I shouldn't let T1D slow me down; perhaps I should learn from it. This made me feel weird and out of place among the other kids. I desperately wanted to be normal again, like I was in the distant past, but I shall never feel normal again.

My revisions were that I tried out the metaphor of feeling like a sick baby bird. I also used the "Shift to himself" trick by saying phrases like this made me feel. I also used strong word choice, using "desperately".

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my first ever so I was nervous my teeth felt weird and I but when I turned 12 I caught bombs it was the biggest wave of my life it also makes me so happy that I can go out and do all kinds of moves I love that I can go out on big days perhaps when it been a bad day and I go to the beach.

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something you should know about me is that when I was about couple mounths old I caught my first wave also it was my first time at the beach then when I turned 3 I learned how to swim then at 5 I started to practice surfing  by my self then when I turned 8 I got better and by the time I turned 10 I entered my first contest it was ever contest I was nervous

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something you should know about me is that when I was about couple mounths old I caught my first wave also it was my first time at the beach then when I turned 3 I learned how to swim then at 5 I started to practice surfing  by my self then when I turned 8 I got better and by the time I turned 10 I entered my first contest it was ever contest I was nervous

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it Datsun

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Something You Should Know - Alaila Turturro

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Something You Should Know - Alaila Turturro

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Something You Should Know - Alaila Turturo

My pets are my life, my heart, my soul

I got them when I was little

I saw my dog whilst we were in a pet shop and said, "Mother! Father! I want this one!"

They smiled and agreed as we took her home

In the car, we were trying to figure out a name for our new addition to the family

"Autumn!" My mother yelled out as I looked back at my pup's golden fur. Something seemed to shift

Maybe it was the way my eyes shone with adoration for the new member

Perhaps it was the awe of getting my first pet

As the chemicals and particles shifted in the air of the year, everyone panicked

The year when the world seemed to tilt on its axis

My family and I were in the car, driving somewhere I do not remember

My father decided to lighten the mood, "Lai, would you rather get a kitten or an iPhone?" He had asked me

"Kitten!" I said with a bright smile

He nodded, and my mother grinned

I did not know that we were actually going to get a kitten

When we entered the pet shop, I saw this tiny black kitten, the last one in the whole shop

"Mama, I want that one," I said with a head tilt

Much like me nowadays, this kitten was shy and misunderstood

He huddled in the corner of his tiny carrier and meowed as if he were nervous

Of course, he was; the other cats at the shelter had bullied him into a shell of his former self

His original name was Pingu. We decided to keep it because he had a little white spot of fur on his chest

As we both got older, with my two pets, Pingu slept with me most nights, and Autumn slept on my floor

I felt protected, and I could only assume they did too

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Something you should know about me is that... By kira

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Something you should know about me is that... By kira

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My favorite weather is when it rains. Many things happen when it rains, including drizzle becoming big downpours, tree branches falling, and everything seeming extreme. After the storm, many come outside to see the damage that was done and ask, 'Why rain, why?' This makes me feel sad, like the rain is unappreciated. Everything is tragic, broken, and it may seem like nothing can be undone. However, it is never over. A storm can only last forever until the one who controls the weather stops it. Perhaps the rain can shade the light in me, my sunshine, my passion. Perhaps it is when my sun shines through the clouds, it is when I stop fueling the rain that all becomes well, everything is better, healed, and all my fallen seeds sprout into new beginnings, new ways of life.

To revise my writing i used a metaphor (me vs. the changes in weather, rain to sun). I also tried to use stronger word choices (fueling, sprout, extreme, etc.)

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I love collecting cars because it is a fun hobby of mine that I enjoy is building and collecting the cars, and just putting them on display in my display Shelf. And I love cars and bikes, so this type of collection is special to me.

My Revisions:

At first I did not have a big collection but then it grew and grew and I learned to be more strategic of what to buy because it might not be sold anymore

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When I was little, I was afraid of loud noises

I also used to be afraid of dogs until I had my own

Perhaps I thought I was a scaredy cat of loud noises

Perhaps I also thought loud noises were scary, like yelling or fireworks

Perhaps I tried covering my ears or wearing headphones, but it didn't always work

When I stay inside my house, scared of the noises, I notice my dog barking

And it made me realize I was never alone

Others were sensitive to loud noises, too, even animals

But some may not understand, like how dogs bark, but no one understands why.

My Revisions:

I tried out using perhaps more than 2 times

I also tried out using an animal that represented me in my sentences because I wanted to make this more emotional or catch other people's attention.

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"Something you should know about me" by Lily N

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"Something you should know about me" by Lily N

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I like singing, perhaps it's just because it's a way to express myself

Perhaps it's because whenever I go through hard times in life, music has been my way to escape them.

I like acting, perhaps it's because it's fun.

Or perhaps it's because my whole life I've hidden my emotions so that the people around me didn't get upset.

I kept a smile on my face, keeping my voice happy, and if someone was hurt, I was there to help.

I've acted my whole life, and now I use it as a strength.

I'm like a car on a bumpy road, just getting through life the best I can.

All the while keeping the people inside safe, never letting them know that the doors might have scratches.

things I changed:

I tried out the perhaps move by repeating a word

I tried out comparison in my last sentence because I wanted to summarize what my story/poem was about.

I also made it more personal, allowing it to be a little more emotional.

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SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME IS    By Aja

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SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME IS    By Aja

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I like to play basketball. I have been playing since I was 7 years old. My goal is to play in the WNBA when I grow up. My coaches think I can make it to the WNBA, so I believe that I can make it to the WNBA; perhaps I mess up sometimes. But I know I can do better. My dream is to make it to the WNBA, so I have to work hard so I can make it. Perhaps I get tired sometimes, but I can still make it, but training harder. I love basketball a lot. My teammates and I had a game yesterday, and we locked in. When my teammates and I lock in, that means we want to get a win. Yesterday we won our game, and it was so fun because we won over one of the best teams called Swish

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Something You Should Know

By Uriah K

Something you should know about me is that I like to play basketball and I like to rollerskate on my free time. When I'm at home I complete the homework that i have to do then I'm probably watching tv or on call with friends. Perhaps, today I won't stay at home today. Perhaps, I will figure something out that i never knew that i could do. Laying on your couch and just resting with nobody bothering you is like the best thing that could ever happen to me. It makes me feel relaxed, and calm. I don't have to worry about anything. It's like heaven to me.

I used metaphors in my draft to make it like they can feel it too.

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Something you should know about me is that my three Main Hobbies are surfing, riding, and collecting Lego cars I love going surfing at White Plains because it brings me joy I love and go riding my brother-in-law because he gets me bikes and it brings me joy when I go ride cuz we explore places that I've never been at I love collecting cars because it is a fun hobby of mine that I enjoy it. And, I love building the cars and just putting them on display in my display Shelf.

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Something you should know about me is that I struggle to communicate well. I feel shy even if everyone's nice, and I feel like that's just who I am. I have found it hard to change that for 5 years.

There was only one class I finally felt comfortable in, one that I found peace in, and that was my last year advisory with Mr.Alderete. He felt welcoming even though I never did my homework, and all my friends were there.

I feel disappointed that he is no longer teaching grades higher than 6th grade, because I desperately wanted him again. Perhaps I can try to get more comfortable with Ms. Olivera since I've had her before.

My Revisions:

I tried using stronger words like "desperately," but I also wanted to keep "perhaps."

I added why I felt comfortable in Mr. Alderete's advisory class.

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Something you should know by Kekanoahiwahiwaakailianu

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Something you should know by Kekanoahiwahiwaakailianu

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Today I'm going to be writing about something I care about. Music. Music is an art form. Music is my favorite art form. And my favorite thing to play music on is the guitar. The guitar is the most versatile instrument. Perhaps I'm biased in my opinion. Perhaps it's foolish to think any instrument is the best. Perhaps I'm wrong. But none of that matters to me. What matters to me is how I feel. And to me, the guitar is the best instrument.

The changes I made: I wrote about something I cared about, music, and repeated phrases of emphasis to highlight their importance.

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I wonder if I would ever change because I thought your mom and dad would do everything for me; perhaps I thought wrong. It began when I was 7, and I asked my mom if she could help me with my homework, and she said no, I was so sad when she said that, but really did I realize she wanted me to be a independent and do the homework for my self becuase when shes not here to help me who else is there to help me.

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somthing you should know about me i that i love soccer and playing games. something i LOVE doing is playing games, especially at night.

somthing that i HATE in my life is my dog, well i dont hate my dog, i hate whats happening to her. she is blind and deaf and has to suffer because of it and it makes me so MAD that i have to see my dog who deserved nothing but care has to suffer while there are dogs who are mean and not the best dogs get care and are not blind and deaf. perhaps im over reacting and shes ok and she can get through being blind and deaf, perhaps my dog is fine and loves her life with us, i guess i can never know.

what i did to change my poem was add in perhaps more and explained more on why im mad that my dog is this way

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Something you should know about me is that I play soccer a lot. To me, soccer is like a big sip of ice-cold water on a hot summer day. Walking after a long day can clear your mind; it's like getting brainwashed because of how clear your thoughts can become.

Perhaps I did get brainwashed; no more thoughts running around in my head like crazy. Perhaps I just never paid attention to my surroundings so I never needed to overthink, or maybe just didn't bother to talk to others after a long day.

I tried using metaphors so you can visualize my writing more.

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I'm passionate about musical theatre! I get to dance, sing, and express myself on the stage! Until I saw someone get injured during a scene. It made me feel frightened! I was more nervous about getting injured than doing my part. Perhaps that is why my colors have faded. Perhaps I am afraid of being hurt than showing who I am.

I used metaphors and strong words to make my paragraph stronger!

I also tried a real-life example of what happened in my life. So everything in here is a real story

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Something that you should know about me is that I'm a creative guy. Everything I do for myself in the free time, it all just feels so magical. No matter what you do, I'll always just be a passionate little ant within the colony that can just make their own burrow for themselves. I am an aspiring game developer that tries to go out there and do my own thing. I don't find anything weird about it. You can make fun of me all you want, but no matter what, I'm going to give up on what I'm trying to do. I've went project to project, multiple games and all have went well. If I told you some of them I bet you'd be surprised by what some young people can do. Never let your creativity run out because i've been at this for 4 years. I was glad to share all this info with all my fellow peers.

I tried to use a metaphor to make the meanings more compelling.

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Something you should know about me is that I've been dancing since the age of 3. It's like my heartbeat learned the steps before I could speak. At five years old, I started doing competitive figure skating, gliding like a bird on frozen glass. Dance is like my second home, where mirrors reflect my dreams, and ice skating is my sparkling winter escape. Perhaps I get really tired, but I stretch and let the tension melt like ice in the sun.

[Type your revised draft.]

My Revisions

[I used comparing}

I tried out the perhaps move

I also tried out comparison in my 3rd sentence, last sentence, 6th sentence, and 7th sentence because I wanted to make it seem more relatable and more understanding

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I like collecting shoes. When I collect and wear different kinds of shoes, I feel like a hermit crab changing into different shells. Collecting shoes reveals a great deal about me. I like to wear black or white shoes with a touch of other colors. I wonder if I wear those types of colored shoes because of my personality. I wonder if people think I have a dull personality because of some of the types of shoes I like to wear.

I tried out the Metaphor move by comparing myself to a hermit crab changing into seashells.

I also tried out the repeating move in my 4th and 5th sentences because I wanted to add the overthinking type of writing. After all, it draws the reader in.

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When i was little i thought i would change the world and i still think so

perhaps i will help endagered species

perhaps i will cure a sickness

perhaps i will become the greatest cheif

i am a blank canvas and i am ready to paint my future

My Revisions

[i used repitition and comparing]

I tried out the perhaps move by repeating a word

I also tried out compareasin in my

last sentence because I wanted to give a cool effect

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"Something You Should Know" by [Your Name]

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"Something You Should Know" by [Your Name]

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[Type your revised draft.]

My Revisions

[Tell us what craft moves you tried to use when you revised your draft. Give at least 2 moves.]

I tried out the ______ move by ....

I also tried out ___________ in my ____ sentence because I wanted to...