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Divorce turns into a bad thing when children are involved. Families break apart and changes in daily life routines change too. Not only does it make it complicated for the parents when figuring out the visitation but ten times harder on kids. Divorce can even make kids like one parent more. Divorce can make kids feel uncomfortable and could make them upset.

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Reams of research testify to marriage being a force for good in the lives of children and statistically, the home of a child's married mother and father is the safest place for a child. However, Them Before Us does not advocate for "marriage at all costs" if the "cost" involves sacrificing the safety and well-being of children. We acknowledge that divorce may be necessary in extreme circumstances, but that overall divorce should be rare and viewed critically.

"At Fault" Sometimes, "No Fault" Never

Before the advent of no-fault divorce, marriage was widely considered to be a permanent contract which held both parties to their marriage and parenting commitments. There were societal expectations and pressures brought to bear when one spouse could be found "at-fault" for a divorce due to abandonment, adultery, or abuse. Not only was there a stigma in violating your marital commitment, but being at-fault also resulted in a greater financial burden on the responsible party and thus incentivized both husband and wife to find a more viable solution to marital troubles. At-fault divorce provided protection and rewards to the "innocent party" and/or the spouse who tried to make the marriage work. However, no-fault divorce allowed the dissolution of the marriage relationship with no explanation. It's surprisingly difficult to find good data on what reasons are given for divorce, but some estimate over 80% of divorces are because of no-fault cases. The all-too-frequent result is that the party who was the most at-fault and who wanted the marriage the least, held the most power during the marriage and divorce proceedings.

On a societal level, no-fault divorce has given rise to a culture of low-commitment marriage at the expense of life-long risks to children. Because when a marriage can be casually ended, it's often entered into casually as well. No-fault divorce also has resulted in increasing numbers of couples who view marriage skeptically all-around. As a result, the next generation has often chosen to forgo marriage altogether in favor of the also-bad-for-kids-alternative: cohabitation. Rejecting no-fault divorce policy and the no-fault mentality would shift marital attitudes back to what is intended to be- a serious, life-long commitment. And it would spare countless children the heartache and negative effects of a divorced home.

While in extreme cases divorce may be necessary to protect children and the innocent spouse from the parent who is "at fault", no-fault divorce has produced disastrous results for decades of our country's children.

What's so bad about divorce?

Research demonstrates clearly that divorce has numerous negative impacts on children. However, no-fault divorce policy disregards everything except the feelings of the adults involved. As a result, children often suffer irreparable consequences.

Divorce begins, what can often become, a lifelong cycle of family disruption. Divorce is not victimless in any scenario, but when there are children involved, they pay the highest price for marital dissolution. Studies show that while adults sometimes reported being more happy or stable after divorce, it rarely resulted in children being happier or more stable. In the majority of cases children experience the opposite with most reporting that they were worse off after a divorce. A common theme in research on family breakdown revealed that divorce was only the first of many family disruptions that child would then experience throughout his or her life. Judith Wallerstien, a pioneer in the filed of long-term psychological impact of family disruption on children noted that, "Divorce is deceptive. Legally it is a single event, but psychologically it is a chain-sometimes a never-ending chain-of events, relocations, and radically shifting relationships strung through time, a process that forever changes the lives of the people involved." (See the stories of Nate and Maria.)

Two homes are not better than one. A divorce often results in two homes, two sets of rules and expectations, and gaps in concern or attention for schooling and behavior. A child often experiences one or two sets of parental romantic partners entering the scene, cohabitating, and then leaving. (See Jennifer's story.) This "new normal" can create a cycle of stepparents and stepsiblings, and the relational strain of new relationships that are suddenly dissolved if the parents break up. Also, the potential for sexual abuse drastically increases when biologically unrelated males are cohabitating with children ( Wallerstein & Lewis, 2004).

Divorce causes a decline in parental involvement. Fatherlessness is a national epidemic, particularly within minority communities, and divorce often lessens the involvement of one or both parents in the lives of their children- usually fathers. ( Wallerstein & Lewis, 2004) Women are more likely to become the

primary parent and dads, whether by choice or not, are often less involved in decision making, spend less time with their children, and are less financially involved in providing for them. One study revealed that after a divorce 42% of children never see their father again.

Children of divorced parents are more likely to experience poverty and remain in poverty longer ( Fagan, 1999). Nearly half of divorced families in the United States live in poverty afterward, and 75% of women who apply for federal benefits do so because of a "disrupted marriage/relationship". While work opportunities, for both men and women, have increased and diversified, divorce has caused a regression in the wellbeing of children economically. Prior to no-fault divorce, childrens' health, likelihood of having both parents at home, and economic stability was growing steadily. But with growing cultural approval for divorce and out-of-wedlock birth in the 60s, our nation saw an economic divide between kids living more prosperously with their married parents, vs economic insecurity for kids whose families had been disrupted ( Whitehead, 1993).

Other negative effects: Research has shown that children of divorce also face: an increase in teen suicide, juvenile crime increasing and becoming more violent, declining school performance, kids more likely to marry as teenagers, more likely to have babies outside of marriage, more likely to dissolve their own marriages, increase in depression rates, damage to their relationship with both mother and father, and a decline in the marriage rate overall. Millennials are more likely to avoid marriage altogether in favor of cohabitation.

While divorce might be necessary in extreme cases, it is for the benefit of children and society as a whole that we return to a more appropriate view marriage and divorce. Seeing the lifelong and often cyclical negative impacts of divorce on children demands that we reorient our personal concepts about marriage, as well as our national policies, and reject no-fault divorce. The demise of the permanence of marriage that entered our legal landscape with the introduction of no-fault divorce is nothing short of a cultural crisis. A renewed focus on healthy marriages in which both parents are committed "for better or worse, till death do they part" would revolutionize the lives of the children of our nation.

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Reams of research testify to marriage being a force for good in the lives of children and statistically, the home of a child's married mother and father is the safest place for a child. However, Them Before Us does not advocate for "marriage at all costs" if the "cost" involves sacrificing the safety and well-being of children.

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Divorce is positive. Divorce can help people strive to be the best person they can be. When someone gets all the negativity out your life will be better. Divorce helps people find a new happiness and move on. Divorce can also show you how strong and independent you are.

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Years ago, when I was in the middle of a divorce, I remembered thinking I'd never be happy again.

My life was in such turmoil and I was so consumed by sadness and anger that I couldn't imagine any future where I would be over my bad marriage or divorce, let alone be able to learn, heal, grow and move on.

If you are preparing to start the divorce process or are currently in the midst of your own divorce, you can probably relate!
But I want you to know that there is a such thing as a positive divorce.
And things eventually did get better in my life.

Once my divorce was far behind me, I chose to spend a lot of time reflecting on my marriage and everything that happened.

And I learned some valuable life lessons that made me stronger as a person, happier and more in tune with my authentic self.
I realized that I am the only person responsible for my own happiness.
And that I will only attract a loving relationship when I learn to love myself first.

These were just some of the many positive things about divorce I learned. And these lessons were life changing.
I am truly grateful for all of them.
I recently asked a few of our former divorce mediation clients to share some positive things about divorce they learned now that they, too, are divorced.

I hope their insights will help give you faith that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that while it is no doubt extremely painful to go through a divorce, good can come from the bad if you let it.
There is a such thing as a positive divorce!
P.S. - All of these people have given me permission to publish their answers, but because divorce mediation is a confidential process, I am only using their initials to protect their identities.

What are some positive things about divorce you discovered now that your divorce is behind you?

Before the divorce, every day had its challenges, but when I got divorced they multiplied twice over.

I have to be and do everything myself and YouTube tutorials have become my best friend. I remind myself often that post-divorce, I may flounder a little every now and then, but eventually, I find my way.

It is a growing and learning process beyond my imagination. It is my experience which is filled with endless victories.

- S.S.

I am far more productive! I am able to make decisions without second guessing myself - my relationship with my girls is 100% better - I have never felt better!

- C.T.

I love my kids and a divorce was actually something that made us better parents.

- K.W.

I learned a very important health lesson through my divorce.

I've suffered with depression most of my life and I learned that my unhappiness wasn't just the depression - it was a mix of a very unhappy, unhealthy marriage and depression.

Once we separated, I learned that I could manage my depression much easier by removing unhealthy, negative people from my life.

I can use my positive energy now to take care of myself better.

- G.B.

I re-learned just how strong I am. I can do anything and do it well and I don't need a partner to validate me.

- L.T.

Now I am free of emotional pain, hostility, and anger. I am now able to move forward knowing I did the best possible for my family.

Yes, I did make several financial compromises to keep the settlement amicable, however, I gained immeasurable value in the peaceful, loving family life that I have preserved.

- R.R.

I learned that I have to make decisions for myself and do things for me, not in a selfish way, though.

I previously made decisions based on what I thought I should do by society's standards and did things that I thought family and friends would take delight in.

Now I've found things that I enjoy for me.

In a lot of ways it's a process of rediscovering myself and who I am as an individual.

- E.K.

The biggest thing I learned about myself is I cannot go through life without making the time to spend with my spouse/special someone.

My ex and I put our children at the top priority, especially at their younger ages and rightfully so. However, we also put off the time we should have been spending focused on our relationship as a couple.

That is how we started our lives together in the first place. Forgetting to set aside time together and putting the kids before our plans is a mistake I will make sure doesn't happen again. The small moments like just going grocery shopping, having coffee in the morning and talking, watching a movie - just the 2 of us, are important.

I always thought, because so many of those opportunities were put off, for whatever reason, the time we needed to spend together had to be BIG or I used the excuse that we would have our couple time back as the children got older.

I know now that it is so important to speak what you truly desire and important that those moments, no matter how small, need to happen in order to have the relationship we all dream of. There has to be a balance to that.

- R.M.

I learned to be a more open communicator and to focus on listening vs trying to fix.

- A.R.

I learned not to focus on fighting the little things, to go easy and pay attention.

To own the moment.

- J.T.

I learned what happiness feels like again.

The burden lifted by being divorced is so much greater than the perceived weight of guilt of getting divorced.

I have also learned my kids are way smarter than I gave them credit for. They may have really disliked the divorce, but they saw the issues and understand them.

- K.A.

I realize how independent I used to be, and how dependent I became over the last 10 years.

Now I believe in myself and my strength.

I CAN take care of myself and my family on my own.

- J.J.

I learned (and am still learning) that life can be fun!

That while yes, sometimes it seems lonely to come home and not have a relationship with someone to ask you about your day, that it's all just surface.

There were a lot of positive things about divorce in my situation. The biggest one is that I truly feel happy now!

You don't need anyone else to validate you, you do it yourself!

We, humans, are way stronger than we give ourselves credit for and as long as we put our mind to something, we are fully capable of doing it!

- J.M.

Other Useful Resources:

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Years ago, when I was in the middle of a divorce, I remembered thinking I'd never be happy again. My life was in such turmoil and I was so consumed by sadness and anger that I couldn't imagine any future where I would be over my bad marriage or divorce, let alone be able to learn, heal, grow and move on.

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When you should get a divorce. Are you happy? Being happy is the whole reason for a relationship. You should know if you are happy. If you have to second guess yourself are you really happy?

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"Is divorce the best option for me?" The decision to divorce is one of the hardest decisions individuals ever make. In some cases, divorce is the best course of action. Research makes clear that some relationships are unsafe or unhealthy. In other circumstances, we believe-and again research supports-that the best option for all would be to repair the relationship and keep the family together, if possible.

Ultimately, only you know your situation, and only you can decide what is best for you and your family. We know that making the decision to divorce can be confusing and overwhelming. It's common to have many questions. We'll try to answer those questions the best we can, based on good research, so that you can make a more informed decision. We also provide links to other resources that may help you with questions you have and your decision.

Can unhappy marriages become happy again?

Individuals at the crossroads of divorce can sometimes feel like they have to choose between two competing options: "Do I divorce so that I can find happiness again, or do I stay together for the family's sake and remain unhappy?" For most, however, this is a false choice. With proper help and willingness on the part of both spouses, many marriages that might otherwise end in divorce can become healthy, satisfying, and supportive.

One study found that half of unhappily married adults who avoided divorce ended up happily married to the same spouse 5 years later. Another 20% improved, but didn't say they were happy. Only 10% of the unhappy individuals who stayed married were still unhappy 5 years later. For the most part, those who divorced and even those who divorced and remarried were not happier and better off psychologically than those who remained married.

Sometimes, the key is just the passage of time. Marriage problems may have more to do with circumstances outside the marriage that place stress on a relationship-for instance, a job loss or the death of a family member-and eventually the stress goes away. Sometimes adjusting attitudes can improve the marriage. Other times, couples are able to work together to repair their marriage (more on this in the question below).

Here is an exercise to think more about whether you should hang on or move on.

What are some resources for strengthening a marriage?

If you want to try to repair your marriage, there are resources available to help you. Some couples try marriage counseling and research shows that many are able to resolve all or almost all of their major problems with counseling, especially if both spouses are committed to working on the relationship.

Here is an exercise to think more about marriage counseling and whether it would be a good option for you.

Here is more information to learn more about how to choose a good marriage counselor.

However, some don't like the idea of counseling. Maybe they are very private and want to try working on things on their own. There are some good self-help books that can be helpful.

Here is some more information about strengthening your marriage on your own and recommendations for good self-help resources.

Other couples prefer to take a class rather than go to counseling or work on their own. There are often marriage strengthening classes in your community, many of them offered for free, that can help couples learn to communicate and solve problems better and strengthen their relationships.

Here is an exercise to help you learn more about marriage strengthening classes and whether they would be a good option for you.

Also, here is a website with listings of available marriage-strengthening classes in various states and communities, most of them for free.

Are there clear reasons for divorce? Are abuse, infidelity, or addictions clear reasons?

Some couples are faced with very difficult situations, such as abuse, infidelity, or addictions. Each of these situations deserves special consideration:

Abuse

When there is a pattern of abuse in a marriage or in a family, not surprisingly there is evidence that ending the marriage is usually best for all involved. While some spouses are able to end and overcome abuse, abused spouses and children are usually better off when the marriage is ended.

Sometimes, ending a marriage with an abusive spouse can be dangerous, however. It is probably a good idea to work with a domestic violence shelter in your community to help you end the relationship safely.

If you suspect that you (or someone you know) is in an abusive relationship, you may want to look at this webpage on . Also, for more information and help, you can access the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233, or visit their website at http://www.thehotline.org/.

Infidelity

Most Americans say they would end their marriage if their spouse cheated on them. However, many couples (50-60%) who have dealt with infidelity in their marriages find the will and strength to stay together.

An excellent resource to learn more about recovering from marital infidelity is the book, Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On-Together or Apart.

Also, consider getting help from a well-trained marriage counselor and/or a dedicated religious leader who will help you heal, decide what to do, and repair the marriage, if you decide to stay together. Recovering from infidelity can be very difficult to do without some help.

Addictions

Addiction can come in many forms, such as alcohol, drugs, gambling, or pornography.

If you are faced with addictions or a spouse is suffering from addictions, you can find help from organizations such as and .

In some cases, the addict can recover and the marriage can be repaired. In other cases, it is best for the spouse and children to separate from the addict to see if progress can be made. Each person has unique circumstances and must decide what is right for her or him. Again, consider turning to a trained professional and/or a religious leader to help you know how best to handle your situation.

Do divorcing couples sometimes get back together?

Reconciliation involves the full participation of both spouses. Researchers estimate that 10% of married couples in the United States have experienced a separation and reconciliation. About one in three couples who separate later try to reconcile, and a third of those succeed. There are a number of factors that make reconciliation more likely: Couples who have the same religion and attend together regularly, couples who were older when they married, couples closer in age, and couples who have more education. One research found there were two common themes with those that got back together; first, reconciliation was their top priority, and second, the couple sought outside help include religion or professional services.

What if I want to save the marriage but my spouse doesn't?

This can be a really difficult situation for the spouse who would like to work through the problems of marriage, but legally, there isn't much that can be done once a spouse is ready to divorce. Sometimes the possibility of divorce leads to changes that causes your spouse to change their minds. For others, regardless of the change there may be too much that has happened, or too much time that has passed to consider reconciliation. While it may seem as if there is no future, most people do remarry. This is a good opportunity to learn how to be a better spouse in your future relationship.

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"Is divorce the best option for me?" The decision to divorce is one of the hardest decisions individuals ever make. In some cases, divorce is the best course of action. Research makes clear that some relationships are unsafe or unhealthy.

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People see divorce as a bad thing but really it's the start of something great.😀If you feel like divorce is the right thing it most likely is. When you're in a relationship you shouldn't be fighting all the time. A divorce and help you grow as a better person. Although divorce is hard work it will all be worth it in the end.

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There is a lovely quote that is credited to Marilyn Monroe that is actually quite insightful coming from a ditsy blonde bombshell. At some point in her career, she said, "Sometimes, good things fall apart so GREAT things can come together!" Often, when it comes to divorce and the end of relationships in general, people don't always see it as a good thing. Most see it as a bad, negative thing that marks an ending. So it is important to remember that with every ending, comes another beginning.

Divorce really can be a good thing. It can give you a rebirth in life - it can end a painful situation, it can force you to take a good, deep and hard look at your life and stand all to make firm decisions that are based upon your own happiness rather than someone else's. It's also a great time to sit back and reflect on the mistakes you've made and the things you've learned so that you can pick and choose what you want to move forward with. Even if the divorce was not your choosing - or something that you were motioning against, the eventual outcome that comes once the pain has been digested and the grief has been served its due process - can be transformational and empowering.

You might not be in that place yet. You might still be reeling from the shock of the situation, or the intense emotions that come when life throws you a sliding curve ball. And that too is okay. Give yourself the time and space you need to grow and heal. You should also be reminded that God never gives you things that you can't handle. This my friend, is one of those things. Learning to be self reliant, to see yourself as a whole rather than half of a whole is a beautiful thing and you may be able to realize and seek bigger dreams than you ever imagined.

Of course, if you need some reminders of times when divorce really can be a good thing, read one! Some of these reasons may ring true for you, some may make you laugh, and others may make you cry.

Divorce Can be a Good Thing When:

You haven't had sex in over a year. (Or more) Sex is wonderful, exciting and lots of fun and you have been missing out. More than half of all married couples experience extended periods of times that are sexless, which is sort of ridiculous if you ask me. You don't have to like your partner to enjoy having sex with them. But now, you CAN seek and enjoy sex again - just for the sake of sex. (Try not to get too crazy with it) You'll likely wonder why the heck you have waited so long when you have that first orgasm after a year or two without one.

If you ex was a spender, then you will be able to save a ton of money. Okay, so divorce can be expensive too - but it doesn't have to be. And at least now, you know that your hard-earned money isn't going for an umpteenth pair of shoes or a set of new pipes for a rusty old Harley. You get to be in charge of where your money is spent.

The end of the stupid, nagging yet frustrating arguments such as leaving the toilet seat up, leaving dirty clothes in a pile on the floor, messing up the sink with make-up or using one another's razors are officially O.V.E.R. You become the master of your domain and can do anything damn thing you want without worrying about it causing some sort of passive aggressive War of the Roses.

Remember your ex's family member or friend that you HATE! Now you can tell him or her what you really feel. (if you haven't already) Oh, and those crazy family members that make you wonder what kind of family your ex was raised in....no more Christmases spent watching them drink too much eggnog and remove their clothing.

You can go and do however you please whenever you please. Even if you didn't have to ask permission before, now you have total freedom to explore the world again without feeling the need to call someone or let them in on your plans.

Married to someone who snores? Or who steals the covers? Ha....reclaim your good nights sleep.

If you have felt like you had no control over the television for the duration of your marriage - now is your time to see what you have been missing. You can watch anything you want on the boob tube now - or nothing at all if you so choose. And, you can stay up as late as you want or go to bed as early as you want to!

No one can laugh at you for having a dream. And no one can influence you to not follow your dream. Couples don't normally do this on purpose....but it often happens.

You might be a better parent if you have children. Many couples find that they can parent their children more happily when they aren't swallowed whole by irritating relationship issues.

Now, it won't matter if HE (or she) forgets an anniversary or birthday!

If you were in an abusive relationship, then divorce is a savior. Now you must simply take the lessons learned and move forward.

Of course, there are hundreds of other reasons, big and small - that can actually make divorce a good thing in your life. But mostly it's up to you. If you perceive the divorce as the end of the world, it's going to feel that way. If you perceive it as an end, it will be. And if you have the courage to see it as the beginning of something new, as a fresh chance in life - then that's how your divorce will be! Choose your thoughts wisely.

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There is a lovely quote that is credited to Marilyn Monroe that is actually quite insightful coming from a ditsy blonde bombshell. At some point in her career, she said, "Sometimes, good things fall apart so GREAT things can come together!"

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Getting a divorce can help end physical relationships. Fights in relationships are normal but when things get out of hand it should stop. No one should feel as they need to stay in a relationship because of any reason. If things are not getting better and you gave it time get a divorce. Things will definitely get better.

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Divorce helps people move on. It can also help you get back with your family and focus on them. It gives you a new beginning to start things over. Divorce helps people learn a better life. Divorce is a good thing for all the reasons.

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Divorce is a good thing when you see signs it's time to divorce.

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Divorce takes a lot of time. Divorce lets you see your dreams again and have the chance to follow them without having to worry about someone else. Divorce isn't the end of the world it just means they are not the right person. There is someone for everyone. And most importantly you can focus on yourself. Love yourself before you love anyone else.

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Divorce means you're free. When you get a divorce you're no longer required to spend time with the person. You can go out and meet new people. If you haven't already started a family why make one with someone who doesn't make you happy. Divorce can help you make a better future.

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without divorce you could possibly not be happy. When you aren't happy it can cause you to ignore each other. You both could end up doing your own things like eating dinner, shopping and even not sleeping in the same room. Divorce can help you regroup yourself and let you be happy again. Divorce is just to make you happy. Try divorce to make you happy again.

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If you know things aren't going good you should talk to them because they might be feeling the same way

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The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

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When Parents Divorce They Must Emotionally Support Their Children

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During and after divorce, children need the emotional support of both parents. When parents are going through a divorce, the stressfulness of the situation can be complicated. Both parents love their children and don't want them to suffer from the parent's decision to seek a divorce.

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Financial difficulties can be a source of stress among divorced people or couples in the process of getting a divorce. A 2014 survey conducted by the Nolo Network, an online legal guide, found that the average divorce costs over $15,000, most of which goes to attorney fees, and lasts nearly eleven months.