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3:30.

i wondered how i was then, hence, i'm here.

...it feels so good to be reminded of how life was less bitter and unbelievably better then.

perhaps, it hit me.
life just happens.

...and i can never make a guess as to how it shall unfold.

...and i am here, lost and lifeless in the now.

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i enjoyed reading your entries! <3 love u!

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i enjoyed reading your entries! <3 love u!

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I came from a 3-hour meeting which left me paralyzed. It dawned on me that I am still a president of an organization, and I have much left to achieve before this year ends. Looking back, we have accomplished so much since April 2021, but I still feel that I am a failure. All these, "I could have done more", "I could have been a better leader, sister, and mentor" and "I feel like I'm a fraud."

When I hopped to Twitter for my random K-pop and drama lurking to appease myself momentarily, I learned that some of our classmates just had their own teaching demos in their respective classes. I am genuinely happy for them, but I couldn't help but feel anxious in waiting and be unsure of myself.

I don't know if this is a pre-menstrual mood, but I am trying to sit with it, but not long enough to let it consume me.

"It is okay to fail," Teach said.

May I make my heart believe.

1-6-2022 // 8:45 PM

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It took me two days to finish this piece. It has my heart and soul in it.

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hi! welcome to one of my safe spaces. feel free to listen to my fave soul songs. :')

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Green and Red Winter Christmas Collage Facebook Post (1)

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Of all the themes, which do you think you have learned the most? What could be the reason it has left a mark 'till now?

Solidarity & option for the poor.

Rather settling with the family Ailene, Neijan, & I were assigned to, I hopped from one house to another to meet and listen to more people as I could within the time left. I remember how weighed down I was upon listening to the stories. Learning about the socio-economic + familial conditions they are in, the extremes they do to make ends meet, and their perceived indifference of the universe left a lasting impression of being one with them in their suffering.

As an empath, I can feel things so profoundly and deeply that it amounts to a physical sting within. I was clinching my fist then pinching my skin not to make my eyes weep. I thought to myself that if only I have the resources, I would have granted them the support for survival and sustenance that they need. If only I am brave enough, I'd be the one to face the authority and demand for their benefits.

Yet rendered speechless, I only listened intently, then soon left with silent cries of prayers. God knows how I fervently prayed for them in moments of sudden recalling. Not only did it make me feel more human, but it grew my conviction that I truly am not solely for myself but for others, that I am truly a part of a bigger family. Now that I am writing, I wonder how those people are now.

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Prince of Peace - of Dirt and Grace - Hillsong UNITED

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Hidden (ft. Will Reagan) - Official Video

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Since Your Love (ft. Brandon Hampton) - Official Video

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It Is Well - Kristene DiMarco | You Make Me Brave

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What does formation mean to me?

It is the totality of learning, unlearning, and relearning a myriad of deeply held values, practices, and principles that shape the whole person. It is an intentional journey of knowing one's self, building one's self, and extending one's self.

Have I allowed myself to be formed in my stay in Ateneo?

Yes.

Long before I stepped in the university, I have been seeking questions & answers about my identity, my purpose, my place in other people's lives, and my relationship with a Higher Being. I cannot believe that I then called myself a follower of Christ and I dreamt of becoming a missionary. Then, a crisis came, where all that I claimed and perceived myself to be was gone.

Amidst the loss and confusion I was in, I clung to a tad bit of hope that I can feel alive once again, and that the Divine will be in my story. When I was looking for a university, I was not really looking for the best Education program out there but a safe space where I can find and build myself once again.

Unlike others who walked mindlessly, I made sure to savor my experience in my ASF, NSTP, Philosophy, Ethics, Understanding the Self, and Theology classes. I'd silently barge in worship nights, especially in my 1st Year. Far greater than that, I knew that the universe favored me when it graced me with beautiful relationships, like in the person of Ate Ysa, who was like me—lost and lifeless yet then have found life in being there for others.

I may have not made it to the application process of being an Arrupe Volunteer, and I may have shed tears in front of Ma'am Darlene, but I stayed true to my vow between her and myself: I'll know and befriend my shadows, and I'll find my light. So, I did.

I may have not gone to far communities through various school orgs' initiatives, but I hold spaces for those within my reach. It was never in my deepest dreams and intentions to save people, but when I was healing myself, souls came to me. That's when I knew, I was slowly finding my light and embracing my shadows, and it helped others to do the same.

My 17 year-old self's sole reason behind choosing Ateneo over other topnotch Education programs in the city was the integrated formation in its curriculum. If there's something my current 21 year-old self is genuinely grateful for, it would have to be that—the choice of being here.

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I can list other things that I have been gifted with or grown in my nearly 4-year stay in Ateneo like the ones in leadership, collaboration, and technical/practical skills (e.g. multimedia & performing arts). As one can notice, the table is free from lesson plan-making, syllabus writing, and module writing as such are not true to me. I am honestly not confident in anything that has to do with my course, hence, the general life lessons above.

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People say, your best four years of your life are in college. Nihilistic that I was, I just shrugged it off. I was a seventeen year-old struck by existential angst when I first walked along the halls of Ateneo.

Even long before that age, I had already found myself pondering life's greatest mysteries.

Who am I? What am I here for? Is there a meaning and purpose behind my existence? Why am I alive if I were just to die?

If there was a feeling so consuming enough to fill the emptiness I was in, it was the crippling fear of my inadequacy and life's uncertainty.

Upon deciding my course, I didn't know anymore what I wanted as the love I had for language & literature faded with no notice at all. When I resolved to pursue it, I knew to myself I can probably survive but not thrive.

How can someone who had speech dysfunction dare become an English teacher? How can you teach when you have little to no confidence in your writing and speaking? There are thousands, if not millions, who are in the same course as you. What makes you think that you can land a job with your lack of competence and confidence?

Much has happened within the years that have passed. I can truthfully say that I am in a better place now... that I know myself better now.

If I were to be utterly honest, I can no longer see myself as an English teacher. I might not be pursuing masters and doctorate degree in language or literature. Still, one thing is for sure: I will teach.

Perhaps, it was the totality of my long-standing interest in psychology (ChildDev was a factor), new-found appreciation for anthropology (thanks to MIP), and death-defying experiences with DepEd ALS teachers last summer that cleared a path for me. Having climbed mountains and crossed rivers to reach far-flung communities with people I just met, who have been in the profession for years and decade long, made my heart believe: I am meant for this.

I am meant to make a difference in the lives of the people I cross paths with, and teaching is one among the myriad of ways that can I make this a reality.

Now, I am in my fourth year. I am far from having it all figured out. But, if there's one thing I am certain of in the seas of doubts and questions life has thrown me into, it would have to be this:

I was once lost in my angst, but now, I feel alive bracing the waves as I make myself a part of a cause beyond myself.

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how it felt then stepping onto the university life and how it still feels now that i am nearing to bidding goodbye