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A place to discuss poly

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Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly], meaning "many" or "several", and Latin amor, "love") is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. It is distinct from both swinging (which emphasizes sex with others as merely recreational) and polysexuality (which is attraction towards multiple genders and/or sexes)

This community is public (including all posts and the members list).

See e.g. http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html for poly intro info.

The Rules:
#1: Please remember that it's ok to link things here, but that the expectation is that you will write a short paragraph of text introducing your link to your article, blog, link, pictures, discussion topic, etc. and that It must be topical to the Poly community.

#2: No advertisements for services or for partners, I.E. no things like dating sites and no "I'm looking for a unicorn in Hoboken, NJ" type posts. We as a group have decided that we don't want personals, sexy pictures, etc. That includes advertising for other poly groups. Note that blog posts are not considered ads, and links to your blog articles about polyamory are welcome, so long as they are not solicitations for services or partners.

#3: This is a discussion community devoted to helping one another, support, and outreach.

#4: No reshares. Please avoid resharing things that were shared elsewhere first. Make the same post an original post here please if you feel you must. The exception to this is something that you write a well thought out intro post to. Something that makes it's relevance clear, and poses a question for debate.

#5: Communication is key. Arguing with moderator decisions is not. Do not publicly argue with the staff once a decision about something has been made. Please contact the community owner directly in case of a dispute with a moderator.

#6: The staff reserve the right to summarily delete comments, and posts if they break the rules, as they don't really contribute here.

Thank you.

We are now on FetLife as well! Come on by. FetLife gives our members another option, one that allows private posting to a group. Things posted on FetLife cannot be read unless you are logged into FetLife, granting an additional measure of privacy.

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Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly], meaning "many" or "several", and Latin amor, "love") is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

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What is the difference between friend and lover?

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1.3 PolyMOOC Friendships Additional information and links around attachment. http://padlet.com/fhossmann/polyMOOCfriend Your level of participation is completely up to you as there are no formal grades. The Poly MOOC is a hack on the Science of Relationship course (as offered by Colorado State university). Hack meaning that we take something and use it for something else than intended.

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Find the "polyamory and MOOC" group on facebook

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Log into Facebook to start sharing and connecting with your friends, family, and people you know.

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Love vs respect. What do you think about this?

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Kurt Vonnegut gave a lecture in 1986 that included these wonderful lines. My wife said to me the other day, after a knock‑down drag‑out fight about interior decoration, 'I don't love you anymore.' And I said to her, 'So, what else is new?' She really didn't love me then, which was perfectly normal.

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About love and respect.

― Kurt Vonnegut, Slapstick or Lonesome No More!

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A quote from Slapstick, or Lonesome No More!

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I have had some experiences with love, or think I have, anyway, although the ones I have liked best could easily be described as common decency. I trea...

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I've noticed that in the sexual polyamory community, when the subject of relationship anarchy comes up, it is often used as a term interchangeable with nonhierarchical polyamory. I view the two as dramatically and significantly different, and (I could be wrong) I think that Andie Nordgren, who can be credited with creating the term in...

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The difference between love and friendship

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The difference between love and friendship

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How to rephrase this from a poly point of view?

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Key difference: 'Love' is a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. It is a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend. It can also be used to describe sexual passion or desire. Friendship is a relationship between two people based on mutual affection for each other.

Humans are fascinated with love. We need love, we crave love, and we'll do anything for love. There are pages and pages devoted to love throughout history, stories, poems, sonnets, paintings, and so much more.

According to Dictionary.com, 'love' is a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. It is a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend. It can also be used to describe sexual passion or desire.

Love is a strong affection and a emotion of personal attachment. Love is defined as a virtue full of human kindness, compassion, and affection; "the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another". While, love more often than not is used to denote feelings toward the romantic partner, love in fact is more generic than that.

Loving someone is a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection. It can be used to refer to anyone, any person, or any thing. For example: I love you. I love my mom. I love my husband. He loves his girlfriend. I love my dog. They love pizza. She loves vanilla ice-cream. Mary loves the sea. John loves football.

Love can be used to refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from pleasure to interpersonal attraction. It may refer to passionate desire, intimacy of romantic love, sexual love, familial love, platonic love, religious love, and to a concept of love that encompasses all of those feelings. However, when referring to love between two different people, there are in fact two distinct forms of love:

Platonic love: A deep and non-romantic connection or friendship between two individuals. It is love in which the sexual element does not enter. Platonic love can refer to friends, best friend, siblings, parents, children, etc.

Romantic love: Considered similar to platonic love, but involves sexual elements. This the type love referred to when taking about love between two partners, such as a boyfriend - girlfriend, husband - wife, boyfriend - boyfriend, girlfriend - girlfriend, etc.

Love or actually the need to be loved is the driving force between all interpersonal relationships that one forms. Love is a psychological need for all humans. We all want to feel loved. Love is in fact a part of our survival instinct. It is a function to keep human beings together so that they may procreate and continue the species. However, this is debatable as to why humans need love, whereas many other species procreate well in the absence of love.

Despite of the presence or lack of love, humans seek acceptance in a group of friends. It can be said that friendship is a form platonic love. Essentially, friendship is a relationship between two people based on mutual affection for each other.

According to Dictionary.com, a 'friend' is:

A person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

A person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.

A person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?

A member of the same nation, party, etc.

A person associated with another as a contact on a social-networking Web site: We've never met, but we're Facebook friends.

A friend shows the value of his friendship by expressing the following:

The tendency to desire what is best for the other

Sympathy and empathy

Honesty, even in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth

Mutual understanding and compassion; ability to go to each other for emotional support

Enjoyment of each other's company

Trust in one another

Positively strong, deep, close reciprocity, mutuality - equal give and take between the two parties

The ability to be oneself, express one's feelings and make mistakes without fear of judgment.

A friend is someone you hang out with in a group, someone to talk to, and to laugh with. Friends stand out in a group of people. Friends are someone who you are happy to spend time with you doing absolutely nothing at all, someone who doesn't mind driving you on stupid errands; someone who tries to help you. A friend is someone who would never intentionally hurt you, lie to you, deceive you, manipulate you, abuse you and who takes great care to be kind to you.

It can also be said that romantic love is step ahead of platonic love or friendship, as a lover also emulates more or less all the characteristics of friendship. One can say that a lover is a friend with the added benefit of romantic attraction. In fact, many relationships start off as friendships.

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'Love' is a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. It is a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend. It can also be used to describe sexual passion or desire. Friendship is a relationship between two people based on mutual affection for each other.

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Obs! Warning! Very monogamous! How could this be rephrased from a poly-point of view?

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differentiate between love and friendship

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How to Differentiate Between Love and Friendship

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It's normal to love your friends. But how can you be sure that what you are feeling is not actually romantic love? Sometimes it might be hard to tell the difference between platonic friendship and a different kind of love. If you're...

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The turbulant seas between Philotes and Eros

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The turbulant seas between Philotes and Eros

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The turbulant seas between Philotes and Eros January 27, 2014

Because I am poly polyamorous, having friends of the gender I tend to be attracted to can often be an adventure of uncertainty and transitions. Some of them I am attracted to, some I am not, and sometimes that attraction leads to something. Many times it does not. But when it does, the transition can be, well, it's a lot of things.

With attractive friends, and acquaintances, who are not already polyamorous, the issue is less uncertain as one learns to curb the attraction because it is not appropriate, and usually not wanted. Sure, I might flirt, playfully, but I do my best to leave it at that unless the cues are overwhelmingly in my favor. But then, inevitably, some of those people want to be polyamorous (Who wouldn't?) or they were already but for whatever reason things didn't click at first. And if they demonstrate interest in me, the flirtation and the relationship in general takes on a different tone. Interest is communicated, and hopefully requited. Suddenly I find myself in a place between friendship and something else (assuming we accept the distinctions and roles of those mainstream relationship types, of course).

From a Relationship Anarchy point of view, this transition is less significant. Yes, there will be actual differences in how people interact when they stop being merely 'friends' and playfully flirting to being sexually affectionate, but if we were to reject the model of relationships of our mainstream culture (in which one is either a friend or a lover but not both) then that difference is less meaningful and often less distinct. And while I have some affinities with Relationship Anarchy, the distinction between these two relationship phases is significant and important to me. This is mostly for reasons having to do with my level of comfort of physical affection with friends versus lovers (something I'm open to being less dichotomous about, as I grow).

I have few non-sexual friends with whom I'm comfortable being affectionate with beyond things like hugging and basic body contact. This is because sexuality is extremely powerful and often overwhelming for me, mostly as an emotional and sensual experience. Being affectionate with a person I don't have some level of sexual relationship with (especially women, being that I am heterosexual) can lead to spikes in desires which are inappropriate with some people. There are quite a few women in my life with whom I have no sexual relationship, but am still attracted to, and so I minimize my physical contact with them because physical intimacy can sometimes lead to spikes in sexual desire which are uncomfortable for me to have when I don't perceive them as reciprocated or wanted by those women. Respecting other people's boundaries is especially important to me, and the vast majority of times I will not initiate flirty touching without making sure it's wanted.

Of course, one of the exceptions to that rule was the night I met Ginny. And now we're married. I don't know what to learn from that, exactly. I do know that the lesson is not to just touch whomever I want in the hopes they like it, because boundaries. Also, non-verbal cues are not always sufficient, because sometimes we mis-read them. Nonetheless, I have chanced it a few times, and it worked out fantastically once. I don't plan on chancing it again, because some people really don't want that and I don't want to be that guy.

So when I find myself in a situation where I've communicated my interest, that interest has been requited, I find myself in a limbo between knowing those desires are appropriate, wanting to act on them, and still being somewhat nervous to touch those people affectionately, let alone sexually, it is tough for me. And as the idea of future potential affection and sexual contact hovers over me, the beginnings of New Relationship Energy start to form (let's call that pre-NRE). And despite the fact that it is potentially premature to have those feelings, they happen (and sometimes they remain in that pre-NRE stage, which is also fine). And for a borderline like me, those feelings are often overwhelming and cause days of anticipatory anxiety and anticipation. I both love it and hate it. I love it when it genuinely does become NRE (which I define as a multi-way magnification of emotions and desires between 2 or more people, and not personal infatuation towards another), and I fear that what I desire might not materialize at all. If what I desire does materialize, but never reaches genuine NRE, that's actually fine.

This experience of pre-NRE (As well as NRE itself) has another side effect, which I don't think my current partners mind so much (and I might be wrong here, but I'm sure they will let me know...). It gives my sex drive a huge boost. For me, new sexual (requited) attraction has the effect of making me want sex with my current partners even more. The spill-over effect of being sexually charged is not limited to the source of that desire, at least not completely. In my experience, my desire for one person can only be fully quenched by them,* but that desire amplifies the already existing desire I have for other people.

Of course that level of excitement doesn't happen always, but it does happen enough to be a thing worth thinking and talking about. Those pre-NRE feelings don't always become overwhelming in the beginning of meeting and conveying interest. Sometimes, in other cases, the feelings grow slowly. There are some people I grew to love and desire (more), when in the beginning the attraction existed but was not overwhelming, nor did an emotional attraction exist at first. Sometimes, in the beginning I just saw us as incompatible, but later changed my mind about that. I never know what to do in those situations. Mostly, I remain friends with them and wait for what I think will be the right time to say anything. Sometimes that right time never seems to happen. Like I said the other day, I'm not always great at communicating my desires.

Writing all that makes me wonder if any of those friends of mine might wonder if they are one of the people I might have feelings for I'm not expressing. Gah! Blogging is hard! I'm trying to get better at that. It's scary. No, it's down-right terrifying sometimes. I have issues.

So, the times when I am swimming between the shores of one way of interacting with a person to the other is always overwhelming, scary, and exciting for me. There is the nervousness of whether it will actually happen, the conversations which cross the lines between friendly and potentially sexual flirtation, and the feeling of fuzziness in my head and flutters of butterflies in my stomach as I think about it. But in any case, I'm surrounded by wonderful, beautiful, sexy people who I love in many different ways. But don't worry, I'm not secretly restraining overwhelming sexual desires for all of you out there.

Not all of you.

All this makes it really hard to concentrate on tasks. That reminds me, I have to change out laundry and eat some lunch.

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*and if it doesn't happen, that sticks with me for a long time. This situation, which never came to be, still sticks with me now and that was 3-and-a-half years ago! Granted, that was a huge exception to my usual level of sexual attraction

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The turbulant seas between Philotes and Eros

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Because I am poly polyamorous, having friends of the gender I tend to be attracted to can often be an adventure of uncertainty and transitions. Some of them I am attracted to, some I am not, and sometimes that attraction leads to something. Many times it does not.

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How does it work for you?

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My family is very ordinary to me. We eat dinner together. We gather in the living room and watch movies. Last weekend, we went on a camping trip and sat around the campfire making s'mores, the grown-ups enjoying a few beers while my 9-year-old daughter challenged us with endless rounds of "would you rather?" It all feels so wonderfully mundane that sometimes I have to remind myself that most people view us as strange at best, depraved at worst.

I'm polyamorous, which means I believe you can love multiple partners at the same time. I'm in a relationship with my husband of nearly 17 years, and my boyfriend, with whom I celebrated my second anniversary in May. (In polyamorous lingo, our relationship is known as a "V"; I'm the "hinge" of the V and my two partners are the vertices.) People often say our lives sound complicated, but the truth is, we're quite harmonious. We often joke that we'd make incredibly boring subjects for reality TV.

That hasn't kept the world at large from condemning us. The right has spent years warning that we are the travesty waiting down the slippery slope of same-sex marriage. With every stride forward for marriage equality, I can count on turning on the TV to find conservative talking heads lumping families like mine in with pedophilia and bestiality. But liberals, for the most part, don't treat us much better. They're quick to insist that same-sex marriage would never, ever lead to such awful things - failing to point out how multi-partner relationships between consenting adults do not exactly belong in the same category as "relationships" with children or goats.

Even people who don't vilify us still have a great deal of misconception. Aren't you just "having your cake and eating it too," they ask me? Isn't this unfair to the men? Doesn't this hurt your daughter? The confusion is understandable. Many people have never seen a polyamorous family like ours before. So let me explain how it works - or, at least, how it works for us.

My path here was a long one. As far back as I can remember, I felt that loving one person romantically did not preclude the possibility of loving another at the same time. It seemed natural and intuitive to me. But I had no models for that way of living, so I assumed there was something wrong with me.

I married my husband and remained in a monogamous relationship with him for many years. I knew I wanted to be with him for the long haul. But I was never entirely fulfilled. I couldn't shake the feeling that some part of me was repressed.

When I learned about polyamorous relationships, I knew that's what I wanted. My husband wasn't so sure, though. It sounded fine for other people, but just not him. And it still seemed unrealistic to me, so I never pressed the issue.

When I returned to school to finish my bachelor's degree in my late 20s, I became friends with a man who changed my mind about all that. He believed in polyamory, too, and we had long conversations about it together: how it could work, how it was truly possible.

One night, I sat down with my husband and spilled everything. I told him that being polyamorous was a part of who I am, and I asked if he would at least do some research and give it serious consideration before dismissing the idea. He understood that I never would have asked this if it hadn't been extremely important.

That conversation could have ended our marriage. But instead, our journey into non-monogamy began.

One of the biggest hurdles in non-monogamy - probably the hurdle - is jealousy. My husband was an incredibly jealous person back then, but he began to question its usefulness and purpose. Jealousy is born from a fear of losing a partner; if you believe that love and intimacy can be shared, and are not diminished by sharing, then that fear loses a lot of its power. It was liberating for my husband to step outside of the box that saw everyone else as some kind of threat.

Once he became comfortable with the idea, I began dating my friend from school. Those early days were not without challenges. Choosing to be polyamorous doesn't mean you instantly flip a switch that extinguishes all jealousy. But it does mean that we seek to understand why we're feeling insecure. Rather than saying, "You can't do this with this other person," we try to pinpoint what's missing from our own relationship. We say things like, "I'm having a hard time, and I could really use some quality one-on-one time with you right now." Being able to ask for what you need - rather than direct negativity at a partner's other relationship - is vital in a polyamorous relationship. Opening ourselves up in this way was a revelation for my husband and me. We became more connected with each other than we'd been in years.

That first romantic relationship of mine only lasted 10 months (though he remains one of my closest friends). Afterward, I didn't actively seek another partner. I was hurting from the breakup and not in any rush to put my feelings on the line again. Still, I was happy knowing I had that freedom when the right person came along.

Eventually, he did. My boyfriend and I met through our leftist politics. We were members of the same organization. We built a friendship over a period of months, often sitting up talking until sunrise on my back porch. He hadn't been familiar with polyamory before, though he said the idea made sense to him immediately. I knew I was falling for him, and suspected he felt the same, but I was uncertain whether he would want to be in a polyamorous relationship. After we finally kissed for the first time, I forced myself to have an upfront conversation. Because polyamory don't rely on familiar social scripts, it's crucial to spell out terms and expectations rather than relying on assumptions. I needed him to know I wanted a real relationship, not something casual on the side. He told me he wanted exactly the same thing.

From the beginning, I was aware that this relationship was different from my previous one. My boyfriend introduced me to his family, something my ex had never done. We spent a great deal of time together, and within months I knew I was falling in love. I hadn't experienced that kind of emotional intensity since my husband and I were teenagers. Feeling that same surge so many years later made me freshly aware that my husband was the only other person I had really ever been in love with before.

My husband liked my boyfriend a great deal. He had even encouraged me many times to "go for it" in the preceding months. Still, it was an adjustment to watch me develop such deep feelings for someone else. And he was somewhat surprised to find himself struggling with his feelings over this. (Hadn't he slayed that green-eyed monster with the last relationship?) But this was another learning experience: Every relationship is different, and presents a new set of challenges. With time, and plenty of talking, I was able to give my husband the reassurance he needed. This wasn't a threat to our relationship. If anything, I loved him more than ever.

At the same time as I was trying to help my husband feel secure, I was also fearful about the future with my boyfriend. As the months went on, and I began to envision a lasting relationship with him, I worried constantly that he would leave me for a "normal" life. He never expressed any jealousy over my relationship with my husband, but I knew it was frustrating for him that I wasn't freely available to leave my family and spend time together on a whim, and I felt guilty for the unavoidable limitations placed on us. But my boyfriend made it clear to me that he did see a future with me.

A year ago, my husband and I started looking to buy our first home, and we did so with the full intention that my boyfriend would come live with us. When we first embarked on living polyamorously, I hadn't imagined meshing our worlds so fully. But it became increasingly clear doing so made sense for all of us.

This past year has been a gradual transition. My boyfriend is at our house about half the week, and will be moving in full-time when his current lease is up, just weeks from now. All three of us had some apprehensions about sharing the space. But this slow adjustment has given us a chance to see firsthand how well it works, and none of us has concerns anymore.

Like any relationship, both of mine occasionally have conflict. But at this stage, that conflict isn't related to the fact that there are three of us. I have the same kinds of spats and disagreements with each of my partners that monogamous folks have: I'm sensitive and get my feelings hurt; stress makes one of us snippy; we have those absurd fights that start over nothing.

Sometimes, having limited time with each of them does create more tension. I have higher expectations for the time we're going to spend together, and sometimes those high expectations cause me disappointment. But that's less and less of a problem as we blend our lives together under one roof, and I no longer feel that my time is so divided between them.

Last weekend, as the three of us were sitting around the campfire, after my daughter had gone to sleep, the conversation turned to the impending move-in, and how ready we all feel to take that step.

"It just feels right," my husband said to my boyfriend, and I just sat back and smiled.

Of course, one of the most common questions I get is about children. Isn't a family like ours a harmful environment for kids? My daughter, who will be 10 next month, has known that her father and I are non-monogamous for nearly as long as she can remember. She certainly isn't exposed to sexuality any more than children of monogamous relationships are; she sees child-appropriate displays of affection between me and both of my partners, and she lives in a stable, loving home. I often talk to her about the fact that society frowns on families like ours, and whenever I mention the claims that polyamory is bad for children, she rolls her eyes and says, "Oh no, kids having more people to love them! How horrible!"

She adores my boyfriend, and his relationship to her is like that of a stepparent, or maybe the fun live-in uncle. They play video games and do Mad-Libs together, and they laugh a lot. When I think about the number of kids with an absent parent, I think it's pretty great that my daughter has three adults in her life to give her time and attention and care. And with all the varieties of loving, blended families in the world, I fail to see why mine should be considered any differently.

After all these years together, I still look forward to seeing my husband every day when he gets home from work. At least one night a week, the two of us stay up and do nothing but talk for hours and hours. We are far past the honeymoon phase, but in a world where so many marriages fail, we both feel incredibly fortunate to still genuinely enjoy one another's company, and to remain deeply in love.

And my husband feels that he benefits a great deal from being non-monogamous. He is far more introverted than I am, and knowing I have another partner to spend time with helps him to feel like it's OK for him to spend time alone, or to turn down invitations to social events he once would have felt obligated to attend with me. Being polyamorous allows us more breathing room to each be ourselves, rather than feeling like our needs are in conflict with one another. Maybe because I am more fulfilled now and living in a way that feels authentic for me, our marriage is stronger than it's ever been.

My boyfriend and I, too, can easily pass an entire night engrossed in conversation. We giggle together a lot, love nerdy board games, and share a dedication to leftist organizing and social justice. After just two years together, we are in a newer and in some ways more exciting phase of our relationship than my husband and I are. But there is a tremendous amount of comfort between us, as well. I often find it difficult to believe that we've only known each other such a relatively short period of time. It feels as though we've known each other forever.

My boyfriend and I are planning a (non-legal) wedding ceremony next summer, and would likely legally marry if we could. But it's painful to know that many people in our lives will never take our relationship completely seriously, or see it as entirely real.

The reality is that all three of us are consenting adults, who are all incredibly happy in our family. My partners are equally free to pursue other relationships, and both value that freedom a great deal. But for the time being, we are all quite content with things the way they are. And it's offensive to all three of us when people assume that someone in our relationship must be the "victim."

Both my partners are firmly committed to feminist values, and both make me feel respected, loved and valued for who I am. They are my best friends, my greatest supporters, and I cannot imagine my life without them. As for what makes it work, we don't really find it as complicated as other people assume. Just like any relationship: communication, honesty, trust and respect. The ability to compromise comes in handy. But for the most part, we celebrate one another's individuality, and we never try to stifle or control one another. Our life is comfortable and peaceful.

On a typical evening when everyone is home, my husband - who loves to cook - makes dinner, and we all eat together. Afterward, we might watch a movie. Sometimes my boyfriend and my daughter play video games while my husband and I work on our computers. Sometimes my boyfriend (currently a nursing student) has homework and my daughter reads in her room, and my husband and I sit and talk in the living room. After my husband and daughter go to bed, my boyfriend and I - the night owls in the family - might stay up and talk, or just sit together and read. It all feels so normal, it's hard to believe I once thought it was impossible.

When my daughter talks about same-sex marriage or polyamorous relationships, she always looks perplexed and says, "I don't understand why anyone is angry about people being in love and not hurting anyone." And I long for a world where everyone is able to see it so simply.

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My family is very ordinary to me. We eat dinner together. We gather in the living room and watch movies. Last weekend, we went on a camping trip and sat around the campfire making s'mores, the grown-ups enjoying a few beers while my 9-year-old daughter challenged us with endless rounds of "would you rather?"

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Here is another angle? What do you think?

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Some of my friends have already read this because I posted it on my Tumblr (no longer in use). I feel that this information is worth repeati...

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How to not be a dick to your polyamorous friends

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How to not be a dick to your polyamorous friends

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(and maybe how not to be dick to your monogamous friends)

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xoJane: Women's Lifestyle & Community Site - xoJane

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For many people, polyamory is a new and strange concept. The idea that romantic love is not a finite resource that can only be shared between two people can be confusing and frustrating, particularly if you haven't been properly introduced to it.

While the vast majority of my friends and family were incredibly understanding when I came out as polyamorous, some had questions and criticisms. Even now, after about 4 years of being publically polyamorous, I know quite a few people who just "don't get" polyamory.

While discussing relationship structures which may be unfamiliar to you can be a bit awkward, and lead to misunderstandings, it is important to ask questions rather than passing judgements or making blind assumptions.

Most people will understand that you mean well and are simply curious. However, in order to avoid offense as much as possible, here are some guidelines on how to treat polyamorous friends with regards to their relationships:
1. Treat your friend and their relationships with respect.
If your friend comes out as polyamorous, whether or not you believe that it is a phase, treat them and their decision with respect. It can take a lot of courage to tell friends and family about a non-normative lifestyle, and being treated as if it were a passing fancy can be hurtful. Imagine how you would feel if someone interrogated your decision to be monogamous?

In the same vein, treat your friend's partners and relationships the same way that you would treat them if your friend were in a monogamous relationship. If your friend refers to their partner as a "boyfriend/girlfriend," follow suit. If you would invite a monogamous friend and his or her date to an event, accept that a polyamorous friend may want to bring their husband and partner, and not allowing this could be hurtful.

It is unlikely that your friend will start an orgy on your living room floor without permission, and more likely that they will behave perfectly "normally" in a public setting without being offensive. For my polyamorous readers, you wouldn't bring a stranger to a party without asking the host first right? Make sure you clear it with your friends before you bring your partners to events!
2. Don't ask a question that you wouldn't want someone to ask you.
It was only when I came out as polyamorous that I experienced someone asking me if I had sex with more than one partner at one time! What a personal question! Unless your friendship is at a point where discussing sex openly is part of your normal conversation, asking "Do you all have sex together?" can be as intrusive and jarring as asking "What position do you usually have sex with your partner in?"

While some polyamorous groups do have sex together, others do not, and unless your friend has made it clear that these questions don't bother them, do not assume that asking intrusive personal questions is acceptable.
3. Just because they came out does not mean they want to be your "polyamory ambassador."
It is totally natural to have questions about something you are unfamiliar with. I, personally, have no problems answering intimate questions about my love life. Partially, this is because I am naturally an open person, and partially because I really enjoy educating other people about alternative lifestyles.

While I am more than happy to answer almost every single question you may have for me about polyamory and my life, other people may not be so comfortable. I recognize that more often than not, you aren't asking personal questions to be nosy or intrusive. You're more likely asking questions to help understand and support your friend better. An excellent way to gauge how your friend would react to questions about their lifestyle is to simply ask "I have some questions, but they are rather personal. Would you mind answering them, or could you direct me to a resource that could?"
4. On polyamory and parenting.
I do not currently have children, and thus I may not be the most qualified person to discuss raising children. However, when discussing my life, many people feel the need to tell me that they hope for my future children's sake, that I stop my polyamorous ways before I have kids.

My future intentions regarding children are not up for public discussion as they are no one's business but mine and my partners, however I feel for polyamorous families who do have kids. I'd like to include a point about dealing with your polyamorous friends who are also parents: You may be tempted to raise concern about your friend's lifestyle in regards to their children. I would suggest that you tread carefully.

No one wants to be told how best to raise their children. Unless you see signs of abuse and neglect, the well-meaning concern that you are raising over a child that may be happy and well-adjusted is the same kind of concern that people have raised about same-sex and interracial parents. If you trust and love your friend, have faith that they are taking care of their child to the best of their ability.
5. Polyamory =/= cheating.
Cheating is defined by Oxford Dictionary as "being sexually unfaithful" and unfaithful is defined as "engaging in sexual relations with a person other than one's regular partner in contravention of a previous promise or understanding." While people who may be unfaithful could and do use the language of polyamory to explain or justify their choices, polyamory, at it's core, is not a form of infidelity.

The philosophies of the lifestyle are rooted in openness and awareness from everyone involved. While this is not to say everyone's polyamory looks exactly the same, most polyamorous people are not cheating on each other, or looking for excuses to. Many people who are polyamorous have partners who know each other, and those who have a don't-ask-don't-tell policy are often able to provide some proof that their partner is agreeable to the arrangement.

Do not assume that your polyamorous friend is cheating on their partner without all of the facts. If you must ask, a simple "Do all of your partners know about your arrangement?" is an acceptable way to ask without being too intrusive. For an excellent metaphor on cheating and polyamory, take a look at this incredible article from Poly Momma.
6. Don't assume that polyamorous friends are interested in dating you or your partner.
Just because someone is polyamorous does not mean that they are interested in dating you or your partner. This is very similar to the idea that just because your same-sex friend came out as gay or bisexual, does not mean that they want to date you. Unless you have a concern based on how they are behaving toward you, or your partner, just assume that they are not trying to start a romantic relationship with you.

If you do have a concern, a gentle "Hey friend, I have noticed you seem to sometimes be flirting with me/my partner, while I love and support you, monogamy is the norm in my relationship and I would appreciate if you could try to respect that." will suffice.
7. Orientation is not an indication of relationship status.
Do not assume that just because someone is bisexual, or pansexual that they are going to be polyamorous. Do not assume that just because someone is homosexual, or heterosexual that they are monogamous. Do not assume that just because someone appears to be in a monogamous relationship or single that they are no longer polyamorous. The long and short of it, is that you should not make assumptions about your friend's relationship or orientation based on the outward appearance of their relationship.
8. Do not make assumptions about someone's sexual behavior based on their relationship status.
The idea that someone is promiscuous because they are polyamorous is offensive. It is equally as offensive and hurtful as assuming that someone is prudish for only having sex within the confines of marriage. While some people who identify as polyamorous are comfortable with casual sex, others are not. There are many polyamorous people who do not believe in casual sex, or only have sex with established partners. Polyamorous people take on a number of different relationship structures in regards to sex and sexuality.
9. Don't question the reasons behind their relationships.
This point often comes in the form of "if you were just going to sleep with or date other people, why did you even get married?" There is a wonderful article about the "Relationship Escalator" that talks about the expectations of relationships and how they conclude. The reality is that people marry for many different reasons, whether it is for security, comfort, or love. It is not considerate to grill your friend on the reason their relationship is in whatever stage it is in. Conversely, it is not polite to ask your friends why they haven't gotten married yet, because people choose not to marry for just as many different reasons.
10. There is no one way to have a relationship.
For some people love is a finite resource. For others it is not. Non-monogamy and polyamory work in very different ways for many different people. Some polyamorous families include a hierarchy where one couple is a "primary couple" and those partners have secondary relationships that exist outside of that relationship. Others have more of a square or triangle shaped relationship.

Some couples have one polyamorous partner, and one monogamous partner.

These and many others are all relationship structures that can and do work when you put in the requisite communication and energy. With the obvious exception of abusive relationships, no relationship style or structure works for every person. Monogamy is no better than polyamory, and polyamory is no better than monogamy.The absolute beauty of life is that people are different. They have different opinions, lifestyles, and interests that make them happy. You may not agree with it, and you may not choose to live your life that way, but if your friend is not harmed or causing harm to another person, what is the difference between having one partner or many?

For more information you can read Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships or The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures.

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How Not To Be A Dick To To Your Polyamorous Friend

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For many people, polyamory is a new and strange concept. The idea that romantic love is not a finite resource that can only be shared between two people can be confusing and frustrating, particularly if you haven't been properly introduced to it.

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Some thoughts from a sceptic

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Friendship and polyamory March 26, 2012

In my last post, I discussed how monogamy is unlikely to satisfy all of our needs. I was aware of a few issues tangential to that, but wanted to leave them aside in the interest of keeping posts shorter. So I will address two issues today; non-sexual friendships and our ability to satisfy needs and desires without relationships.

"The Greatest Love of all"

As I mentioned the other day, in order to have successful relationships, you need to start with yourself. We need to find where it is possibly, and even preferable in some cases, to find ways to make ourselves happy on our own.

Surely, there will be many circumstances where there will be overlap between this self-satisfying of desires and our relationships with other people. Our sexual needs, for example, sometimes can be answered with masturbation and sometimes will require, you know, sex with other people. Also, there will be times when an emotional challenge can be solved by some serious thinking, reflecting, and evaluation of a situation on our own. Other times we will need the perspective of others to help us, as often other people see things in us we cannot see.

We are not island nations, but sometimes our own domestic policy is sufficient for answering to issues of the day rather than appealing to other nations, (or whatever the UN would be in this analogy) for help.

But the essential point is that when it comes to our needs, simply looking within is a great way to go satisfy them. Therefore, I encourage everyone to maintain a healthy relationship with the complexity inside our own heads. I encourage self-love, without getting all hippy about it or something. Dammit, I think I might be too late....

Polyamory as a footnote to Plato?

...or at least Platonic friendship.

Many of the needs we have in our life, complex as they are, do not require finding a sexual partner at all. The needs which are not satisfied by our partner(s), which are not satisfied by them, do not necessitate finding another romantic or sexual partner necessarily. Sometimes just a Platonic partner, or friend, is sufficient.

As I have written about before, polyamory does not require sex to be polyamory. As a result of this, many people are already polyamorous even if they don't use the term, or know the term. Friendships outside of a relationship, especially if they are very close, are so much like what polyamorous people are doing that I often use it as an example of how poly works to people who seem confused by it's strangeness. It's really not that strange.

If you are in a monogamous relationship, there will be things you want and need to do which your partner does not satisfy. Whether that is watching sports, going shopping, or getting some drinks on a Wednesday night, our friends fulfill many of our needs which our committed, exclusive, relationship do not.

Assuming that one partner in a coupling does not interfere with their partner's friendships, which does happen (and, I think, is due to the same jealousy which makes most people avoid polyamory), those relationships are highly rewarding, meaningful, and important to us.

Most monogamous people have arrangements just like this, and many of them, in reading this, might be confused why this has anything to do with polyamory. "So," the objector may say, "why would people need polyamory when we have friends, ourselves, and our one loving partner to satisfy our needs in life?" Well, if these things actually do satisfy your needs, then perhaps we don't need to be polyamorous. Where I have the problem is that people ignore, repress, or rationalize away other needs they may have in order to maintain monogamy artificially. My problem is when monogamy is maintained for its own sake, and not for the sake of authenticity and honesty about what we want.

That is, many people pretend like monogamy+friendship=satisfaction of all needs, when in fact it does not.

What happens when a friend of ours starts to become someone you are very attracted to? What happens when you develop feelings for a person at your gym, book club, or run into an old flame? Why should we ignore this reality, just because we have a sexual/romantic partner? And if so, why?

What's wrong with enjoying sex, safely, consensually, and transparently with other people whether we, or they, are in a relationship?

What's wrong with wanting your cake and having it too?

Nothing.

Pursuing every desire?

Yes, there are people out there I am sexually attracted to who I don't pursue. I don't pursue every potential relationship I find, because I recognize that it sometimes there are complexities of desire which are more than I need or want, and so I don't pursue every desire.

But sometimes the feelings are too strong, the desire to intense, to ignore. And depending on how much time I have in my life, I will pursue sexual/romantic partners to various degrees. Right now, my fiance and my girlfriend take up a lot of my time, so pursuing anything very involved or serious is unwise and unwanted at the moment. That said, if I really got into someone, I would probably find time, because, well, love is worth the effort.

But finding a friend with whom I can share a sexual relationship, especially if that desire is two-way, is healthy and available to me. It does not threaten my relationships to do so, and it brings some pleasure and joy to my life. Why should I not want and pursue such things?

Friendships are great, whether they are Platonic or not. We should allow ourselves to express how we feel about people without artificial censorship or repression because of some strange obsession with maintaining monogamy in our culture. So keep up your relationships with yourselves, enjoy your friends, and allow yourselves to have the relationships with the people around you as you want, and let "normal" social expectations and pressures have minimal say in how you do so.

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In my last post, I discussed how monogamy is unlikely to satisfy all of our needs. I was aware of a few issues tangential to that, but wanted to leave them aside in the interest of keeping posts shorter. So I will address two issues today; non-sexual friendships and our ability to satisfy needs and...